(soul.blue.print.)

winterchill + pix.

2008-11-22T19:37:00.004-05:00

Over the weekend the temperature dropped drastically, going from humid and summer type clothing to numbing wintercold displeasure. You will notice by clothes that what I was wearing only the nite before [less than twenty four hrs prior], was completely different in season.

see pix in aveda haircut entry.

I live in a state that is warm most of the year and I don't deal well with cold snaps or unexpected temperature drops. I enjoy the cold but am finicky and like it to be gradual, predictable, and expected so I am prepared and because my body does not adjust to temp change or very cold weather very well. It seems to resist. I did not expect it to get this cold right before or on my wedding which is nearly a week away today. Neither of us did. I expected light chill, maybe 60's but it dropped to 40's 50's and even 30's the last few days over here and freeze warning came into effect for outer areas around us in fact. this would not be such a huge deal IF i wasn't wearing a strapless wedding gown without nylons, stocking, wearing high heel open toed sandals, that are meant for summer weather, warm weather. when i bought my gown, the style i bought was what was most in season. and the lady seemed to suggest that long sleeved gowns or even short sleeved ones were a thing of the past and ALL brides wore strapless. in truth, i never wanted a strapless, i feel far too unconfident in my body and looks and its uncomfortable but it was all i had to choose from. i'd have preferred a short sleeve, halter or spaghetti strap as opposed to strapless but there were none when i made my purchase. now i notice at david's bridal far more flattering vintage style gowns which i would have chosen over this and also ones where your arms are covered. oh well, you live and you learn haha. i'm not complaining just i never anticipated this drop in weather or this cold front. never envisioned it once. even with sweater i bought at fossil last week, i do not think i would be warm enough. i have tiny small bones and i am the type of girl who is always cold, more so than others. we were supposed to take pix at a beach by sunset prior to our wedding ceremony with professional photographer but unless it warms up a bit , im not sure i can handle that as the beach near water is way colder than on land and we are not even near the water where we live. and ive been positively freezing these days.

it is supposed to be in the seventies by the weekend. here's hoping it will stay that for wedding day but FL is unpredictable and it could change at any moment. also my fiance's bro in seattle flies in on tuesday nite and we have to pick him up and have him stay here. his parents alerted us to this last nite. we did not know he would be staying here, just til wed. to go to wedding rehearsal and then he will go with my fiances parents far out where they live. it just would have been nice to know. id have liked an apt where it is just US the next wk when things are going to truly be stressful and crazy. now i have to worry about an intensive clean up of every room in this place, put away personal projects/things i normally have laying around and hope he doesnt snoop on my computer/email since everything i have personally is out in the open. i hate not having privacy or having visitors/guests. i feel like i have to put on an act and cannot relax the way i normally do. it feels restrictive and its certainly the last thing i wanted to be stressed over so close to the wedding. this just makes things much more stressful. we already have a lot of projects to finish for our wedding this week and weekend and now were going to have to add cleaning the entire apt from top to bottom. believe me we have a lot of stuff and weve let it go due to being so busy with wedding upcoming. this just puts a major dent in things. sigh....

on top of this post are some pix from over the wkend - when we had a final meeting with wedding chapel and reception hall coordinator Janice and then meeting at starbucks with minister to discuss final vows, poems etc. My mother is reading song of solomon for ceremony [i posted several mos ago the vows we chose - will share this more entirely after we make our wedding program, we will be doing this in next few days btw] also j's nephew g. is reading one of our favorite love poems, actually it was my suggestion as that is how i view love and how i want to be loved. i dug it out of this very diary as i had it privately saved. one of my fave romantic poems of all time- 'i carry your heart' by e.e. cummings.

(pix were taken at the place our wedding will be held- taken on nov. 16, 2008)

I hate how bright the sun was glaring in most of these days because I couldn't keep from squinting and I feel like it makes me look unflattering. And it was windy so when I put my hair down [which was still a little damp from showering], it didn't look very good and made my hair look flat. Other than that I loved the pix and the ones with Jimmy and I were definitely my favorites and came out really nice :)

escalating irritation/annoyance/stress- hate this.

2008-11-21T19:22:00.000-05:00

Things are hectic and busy. We are so tired lately. We have got a lot to do tonite in terms of wrapping up wedding stuff, hair appt tomorrow, and the need to clean.

My fiance's brother from Seattle is flying in on Tuesday and I found out a few days ago his parents decided to dump him on us and let him stay here.

Well-- the apartment is a HUGE fucking MESS due to being so busy and stressed out with our upcoming wedding lately and simply cannot be left "as is", not to mention I have got enough on my plate to prepare for and having a guest was the last thing I wanted, planned, or envisioned.

I am a bit annoyed but there is nothing I can do. My fiance's brother only stays one nite- Tuesday- but Jimmy is already planning our bar drinking outing with him Tuesday. nite. I don't really feel like going out or having extra things piled up on me next week when we have other things to get done before next Friday's wedding.

Wednesday is rehearsal dinner is at 6pm in Palm Harbor and we are picking up gown/tux that day prior to this while my fiance's bro jason tags along with us.

Thursday we have to drive to his parents for god knows why because they expect us to be there for Thanksgiving and well you know how long that drive is. Almost two FUCKING HOURS. It is not fun when you are a girl who has to pee every two minutes.

I feel like when we are planning for a wedding, for our BIG day..well it is just plain stupid, idiotic, and ridiculous to expect for us to go all the way out there but even if it wasnt expected, he would STILL want to go there because he is a momma's boy by all accounts.

If anyone in our families should have us at their Thanksgiving, it's my parents especially my mother who paid for the majority of this wedding, not his parents who complained and barely put one penny in this. Other than Rehearsal Dinner cost which they made sure to pick a cheap place since they don't eat out at expensive or average priced nice restaurants and getting an open bar- they havent put anything into this. My mother paid thousands and thousands for this wedding.

It is annoying because his parents could come out here for us this one year when they know we have so much to prepare for for our wedding the following day. I also feel like understanding families would accept and allow that maybe we might skip Thanksgiving get togethers this year so we could have enough rest and relaxation for our own actual wedding day.

You know, this IS exactly why i didn't want my wedding around a holiday especially Thanksgiving but it was his bright idea.

I don't like Thanksgiving food personally. I HATE turkey- find it boring. I hate stuffing even more, gravy and all the fatty foods. I don't revel in stuffing myself til I am sick.[but he does and so do they] and most of all I HATE football and that is ALL you can expect to find there. It is miserable being there and just the last place I wanted to go the nite before my wedding.

Sorry to complain but I feel like any other year I could have done it with a smile on my face but this year, we have a wedding right after and that is stressful and exhaustive enough!

I cannot say enough how i wanted to just be able to relax in my own private space at my home and do what I want when I want. That means, not having to go over someone's home least of all someone's home that entails four hours of driving- give or take- back and forth. That means NOT being stuck at some place that is in the middle of fucking nowhere, boring, and a place that is only about eating food, stuffing your face, and watching sports all day + night long while you lazily fall asleep.

The problem with these people is they don't do a variety of things or have much interest in anything deep or substantial. Their interests and activities are very one sided and since I am outnumbered by food and sport lovers - well you can guess where my interests stand. At the very bottom.

Besides sports or tv, there is no choice. They don't interact and when they do, it's to talk about family gossip, who is the latest trainwreck of the family (always the same people + characters which I never meet) and uninteresting unintelligent superficial things. The basis of all get-togethers tend to revolve around food, tv, and housework/laborous jobs that they've assigned and waited for Jimmy to do which I find rude, lazy, and insulting to him. He clearly is the apple of their eye but not without cost and he rarely stands up to them. I feel both sorry for him and annoyed at them, also annoyed that he doesn't assert himself and allows himself to be taken for granted. The tv + gluttony of food bores me more than I can say. Most irritating is that they dont watch anything but football on Thanksgiving or even take turns thinking maybe some people would like to watch something they might actually enjoy since they are "your guest". But since I am in the minority, what I feel really doesn't count at all.

I always end up sleeping. They think I'm lazy but it's that I am bored being there and I don't want to be there. Sleep just makes the unbearable time there go faster. Simple as that but they don't really get it.

Btw, I cannot read or even enjoy glancing at my magazines [I have tried] with their loud sports on. I can't concentrate on anything. It is usually so LOUD and drives me mad. It always gives me a headache and I can't focus on doing anything because it irritates me so much.

The far drive is not fun to me- it's torture. It is not fun to me to get up early either just for his family and football. I would prefer to stay home but don't have a choice in the matter. I just think it's very annoying that we have to go out there the day before my wedding.

I really think I need my energy for the wedding and I really would like to just relax at home doing what I want and not being stuck with headache inducing football all day. That is so boring to me!

Then the day after wedding we have two days before we go on our honeymoon to Jamaica and have to catch a plane, flight, at around 4 or 5am in the morning on Monday! So, technically that will be late Sunday since I normally don't go to bed til after four am anyway.

I am a little annoyed that Jimmy is already setting up multiple plans for us to get together with people on both those days. I think after the wedding, I would want to sleep in and not be around anyone. He is insisting we have to have lunch with his parents Saturday- the day after the wedding.

I said "well then drop me off at home. I want to go home. I'm not meeting anyone for lunch. I just want to relax, maybe I might want to go back to sleep."

I remember my last wedding, how tired I was and how I slept in in the hotel and how nice it was me and my new husband spent the day completely alone with each other, having dinner together, and going shopping at borders- might I add again- that we were ALONE. Without his family or friends expecting us to meet up. It was NICE and what it should be like.

It was special because we were fucking ALONE and able to revel in that we were now husband and wife, show the world NOT having a bunch of family + friends tagging along like my fiance seems to think I should want.

Getting married is a celebration of two people, the couple, not his whole fucking family and friends. That is what the wedding day is FOR!

I'm sorry to sound like a bitch but I think his idea of what our weekend should be like after our big wedding day, before going on honeymoon is completely NOT my vision of things, not logical and not what most people do or even WANT to do, after!!! It is SO beyond me, I feel like I could explode.

I just think its fucking ridiculous. We are seeing his entire family at the rehearsal dinner nite Wednesday, spending all of Thanksgiving at his parents home with all of their relatives and both his siblings! And then, the wedding Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, next week---- isnt that enough?

It makes absolutely NO sense to me!!!!

I think he is going to make plans to have other lunch dinner dates with his brothers in addition to this, that I am OBLIGATED to go to, as well as his friend Colleen in from chicago the weekend after we marry...and, god knows who else of his family.

I really planned on relaxing and packing before we went on our honeymoon and not doing a thing. I think it's logical most people want to be AWAY from people after a big wedding and just relax, especially before going to a tropical honeymoon. But not him.

He just doesn't get it. It's like the complete opposite of what it should be. As if after a wedding, this means spending even more time with OTHER people.

To me, wedding= alone time for the couple.

We are SO different in this it's not even funny.

I think there is going to be a fight if he persists on us doing all kind of social dates with his family and friends the entire weekend before we leave on our honeymoon to Jamaica and I know exactly what he will do.

The thing that really sets me off, is his ability to leave out things, lack of disclosure with me which is subtlely passive aggressive/ semi manipulative behavior which I simply cannot stand. He has a habit of not consulting with me when it comes to his family and the plans I am obligated to do with him for them.

I know how he works. J. will make the plans and dates without telling me because he expects me to go and probably knows I will say "No" - so he thinks by making the plan without me, he can force me into going or make it where I am unable to say no. I do not have a say in the plans he makes because he doesn't believe he needs to consult with me. I sensed that last nite when he accidentally let out he had already set a lunch date with his parents the day after our wedding.

What the FUCK!??

I mean, not only do I not want to do this. But, their idea of lunch is 11am.

My idea of lunch is like 3pm or later so I can sleep in past NOON on a normal day where I am not out late the nite before or at my own formal wedding the nite before!!! WTF?

Not just this, but I like a few hours to wake up before I go out anywhere in public or meet up with people. But being that I will be emotionally and physically exhausted the day after a formal wedding that is mine, is it really so strange that I might actually need more time to sleep in, rest, relax and just lounge around doing nothing for my day?!

In all honesty, I am not even AWAKE at noon, it takes me a few hrs to wake up and I need gradual time. I am not a day, morning person. I never have been. I cannot change who I am and I don't really care what people or his family think. If they think I am abnormal well then that is their problem and in fact maybe I am abnormal but I also don't think there is any thing wrong with being "different". Not everyone is alike and we are not ALL f-ing robots, followers.

Last nite when he just dropped the comment that we would be having lunch with his parents the day after our wedding nite, I was like - "are you fucking kidding me?!! You've got to be fucking kidding. I'm not doing that!"

I could tell by the way he mentioned it that he had already made the plan with them behind my back. This fully angered me because he had made the decision for me without my knowledge, and ASSUMED we would just meet his parents for lunch without consulting me about HOW I felt or even asking me what I wanted to do- or if this would be okay with me. It is not OK. it certainly is NOT.

I had a mini blow up on him. I got angry and I am sure he felt this but I am not so sure he got it or understood where I was coming from. I let it go because there was no point in going on about it. I stated how I felt and when it comes up again, my feelings will be made known. If he chooses to ignore what I already stated and that I will not do this on the day after our wedding, then he is asking for a fight. My anger last nite was restrained but there will be more to come if he keeps pushing me past my limit.

I know why he didn't ask. It is because he thinks it is my duty and he plans to do it or make me do it no matter how I feel. This is why I am pissed OFF. I don't like being controlled or treated like I am below someone. I feel in coupleship you consult with each other and do what each other wants, not what only ONE person wants and at the very worst, you find a compromise but you don't just make decisions like this without consulting the other person. It is wrong and it is definitely not how one acts in a marriage or even a serious live-in relationship.

His making this lunch date with his parents without taking my feelings into consideration is hardly fair and I think its strange not to mention weird that the day after our wedding after we get out of our first nite together in our hotel alone, his fucking parents have to see us before they go back home...HUH?????

My parents are nothing like that. Thank GOD. Because they respect the day after is for the couple to recuperate and be together for the first day of their new and special lives. Its not special if i have to share it, our first real day together with a HOST of all his family and friends. This is just unacceptable to me and unromantic.

In any case, i think he is going to try to stick me with a whole bunch of crap after the wedding, and cram it in sat. and sun. before our departure to jamaica early sun. morning. Even though I have already repeatedly warned him to "not cram in a whole bunch of social outings after the wedding and before we leave for our honeymoon".

I have not stated this to him yet in FULL but I think he knows it deep down. He is just trying to ignore what he knows of me and hoping I will kiss everyone's ass and do what they want me to do . NOPE.

If I am exhausted, I don't care who you are, I am not going to do it. I am not going to wear myself out right before we are leaving to our honeymoon so I can be sick for our vacation and unable to enjoy our time!! No thank you!!

This will NOT fly with me.

There will be a fight if I am pushed past my limit and he already pushed me past my limit by saying we have to go a few hrs out of our way just to spend the entire thanksgiving day and nite out of town with his parents, the day before our wedding.

The lunch date with his parents is way PAST my limit. He can go out with them without me. He is going to try to rope me in though because the hotel is in Clearwater and we live in another city forty mins away. I am going to fight this though but I have a feeling he may win.

If I am forced, it will show in my attitude there. I resent being forced and I resent that he is so inconsiderate of my feelings and what I want. I don't even eat lunch on most days. This is hardly a treat for me not to mention they have horrible taste in food and are cheap.

I'm not going to write further on this cos i will just get pissed and worked up over it - I think its best to opt for NO NOTES. Those will just add to working me up even more and trigger more anger and frustration.

I don't want any words that accelerate already rising anger and irritation and I certainly want to avoid things that will only increase my anxiety and emotional outbursts right before my wedding as I want this to be a happy thing for the two of us in the end.

I just feel irritated at these new revelations. I KNEW he would try to pull this on me but had hinted several times over the past several mos I want to be alone before our honeymoon and not have a lot of social outings, and have time to pack and get ready to leave, not be tied down with social plans.

I thought he knew me well enough but sometimes I feel like he simply ignores what he knows because all he cares about is getting his way and doing things how he wants them regardless of how I feel. It pisses me off more than anything in the world.

I also will be getting my period either the day before, day of, or day after my wedding- based on my monthly period outcome in past year. This sucks as you know I am not in the best mood during this and I frequently have intensified emotion [and i am already bipolar so i already cannot manage emotions in general] with angry blow ups, sometimes involving rage and screaming rants, crying hysterically when upset, extreme irritation, moodswings, feeling crappy crampy totally agitated-- etc.

I didn't really want the wedding on this weekend because I knew it would be my time of month and I would have my period but Jimmy insisted you could not plan a wedding around a period. I BEG TO DIFFER. Turns out I was RIGHT. I could have easily planned the date so it wasn't during my period only this was the only weekend in Nov. he would allow us to have a formal wedding. He controlled the date we chose.

I wanted our wedding to be in the month of November and in my opinion, there was absolutely no reason why it couldn't have been the weekend before or the weekend after my birthday so as not to conflict with holidays and such. But he had to have his way. It irritates me deeply.

Last month I got my period in b/t the 28th + 29th sometime in the middle of nite. Our wedding is on the 28th of this month by the way! That means I am guaranteed to have my period either that day or that nite because my body has been pretty consistent this past year and I've watched it closely paying attention to the date from month to month. It has never really wavered, usually if it's off, it was only a day or two where it came earlier than the projected average date. Getting it earlier isn't helpful to me though since I have it for at least five days and the first three days are always heavy bloody and painful- at times I cannot eat and if I do, I am in the bathroom with diarrhea all nite. This is what I wanted to avoid. I just hope my stomach cooperates with me. If it is bad, I probably will not be eating or eating much of anything to stay safe and keep from getting sick. Sorry for the graphic visual but it's the truth and I so dread this and worry it will ruin the wedding day!!!

The time my period starts is NEVER predictable. It can be out of the blue, while I am asleep, while I am out in public. I simply cannot predict. This makes me a lot more stressed than I can express and anxious because I am going to be wearing a beautiful Ivory formal gown and I fear getting my period, not knowing and finding I have blood all over me or something. I have worried over this the entire year but tried to push it away. But, now it is getting closer, and I am worrying over this more than ever!

Anyway- end of rant. This is what i have to look forward to, might as well get all complaining out NOW. So I can move ahead and cope with the upcoming stress in the best way [if it exists] possible!

Edit:

I was so worked up when I wrote this that I forgot to make it 'no notes' so I wouldn't get any. Well now its too late. and I already got one note from a favorite whom I completely agree with.

She wrote this and I thought I would share it, so I could further add to one aspect she covered and since I am in complete total agreement with her:

I would have to agree with you on wanting the day after the wedding to rcuperate. Sorry to sound crude, but I always imagined the day after the wedding to be full of lie ins, relaxation and wonderful loving, romantic married sex. I really would not expect the day after a wedding to make plans to visit the inlaws, especially if you are seeing them the day before the wedding anyway.x [B_Flodhast]

I agree it should be an alone day after the wedding with lots of rest, relaxation and sex but I forgot to mention that my fiance isn't all that much into sex and I am always having to ask for 'sex' just to get any, so I guess our priorities in that are different.

I will be lucky if I get sex on our wedding nite and yes even if I hate that I have to remind him for sex or have to even ask, I will ask if that is what I have to do. It's frustrating but what can I do, I am with someone who feels like sex is not that important and has a low libido while my sexual intensity + drive is like that of a man. I don't mean to be insulting but his sexual libido is truly like that of a woman who never wants to have sex and tries to avoid or make excuses not to have it. Not only does that anger, upset, and frustrate me but it deeply hurts and feels damaging to my sense of self esteem and ability to feel someone I love actually desires me and wants me.

It is an issue we've had thru the majority of the relationship while living together that has not really changed all that much. I've done what I can to get his interest and to express my needs thru expressing feelings, sharing articles, and getting a book. But nothing really works and I've become resigned to the fact that I will just never get sex as much as I want and that I will always have to ask him or hint that I want sex in order to get it.

Also so you know, him saying yes is dependent on if his stomach is ok since he doesn't have a gallbladder and is on medication for GERD heartburn, if he hasn't had a hard day at work [but most of the time its a hard day at work], if he doesn't have a headache, if all his shows aren't on that nite, if we are alone and not at his parents or anyone else's house, if he isn't tired which he always is. If he can stay awake til midnite which he often cannot. There are so many IF's and limitations that most of the time, it is a No-GO and I get the short end of the stick.

Because I love him, I try to get past this but it sure is frustrating and deflating to any sense of self esteem or desirability factor. I often feel like I am just not good enough, beautiful enough, or sexy enough.

I mainly wrote all this out to vent. Nothing is perfect because we are all human, so we all have our flaws. I just wish sometimes my fiance could see my side of things and see some of the notes I get from favorites here which often make me feel validated and understood, not to mention make me feel my feelings and thoughts are rational. While he often makes me think how I feel is irrational, abnormal and wrong.

Things are just stressful right now with things moving closer and it is high-stress stuff that puts me on edge. It cannot be avoided because I am bipolar but I am doing the best I can. I am venting here so I don't ruin our wedding day.

Sigh :(

Wedding Dilemma (oh no, wedding band is too big!)

2008-11-18T14:15:00.002-05:00

guess what? i lost so much weight, it looks like my wedding band is now too big and just falls off my finger. i can barely wear the engagement ring without it moving like its going to fall off but the wedding band is way more loose. don't know if i can do anything. i could wing it for wedding day but worry i could lose it on honeymoon in jamaica if it falls off cos it doesnt fit and ive lost apparent weight. even the alteration lady said you are so tiny, last nite and gathered the fabric of my gown around waist and hips saying she could really see that i had lost substantial weight since i had bought the gown and been measured. i'm glad for weight loss and want to keep it off but what do i do about wedding band being too big? sigh..the wedding dilemmas never end!!

so now this is my latest wedding stressor and worry!!

anyone have any advice or tips? help?!

+++

[note: my engagement ring is a 3.5 and had to be cut that small because i have tiny fingers/ hands in general. the wedding band itself was custom made to a size 4. it was made half a size bigger because when wearing a wider band [this band is considerably wider than the engagement ring i have which is fairly thin], you must always go up a little as it tends to fit more snug than thinner band styles]

so, when i ordered and got the ring after custom made several months ago, it did fit and quite perfectly but i hadn't lost any weight back then. at the end of oct, i had severe stomach pain and sickness that landed me in the ER- it completely altered my metabolism and was stress related. i quit coca cola soda right then. and i haven't gone back. i replaced with gingerale for the soda fix and alternate b/t this and gatorade or water. its been close to two months but not quite, since i ended up in the ER and changed my way of eating [i avoid trigger foods and have cut down drastically on dairy intake which triggers IBS and is my weakness in general- i love sour cream and creamy soups a lot and would often get extra mayo on every sandwich i ate--- but my stomach is unable to digest it and it often makes me sick.]

so, i have limited the amount that i allow myself to have in terms of dairy. i havent given it up completely but i've cut down. i try to have the dairy foods i love, only once a week, whereas before it was everyday or as often as i could possibly have it. this may be partially responsible for my weight loss.

i emailed my father earlier in the nite, to also ask his advice since he was once a jeweler and had a jewelry business [most of my childhood, teenage yrs and adult life] to see what he might suggest. he pretty much suggested what all of my noters suggested which was to get a ring guard so that the ring would properly fit without ruining it or having to alter the size. so, i guess this is what i will do.

+++

ps my fiance and dad both think i shouldn't get the ring resized to a smaller size because they think if i gain a pound or two it will be too tight and then i will be in trouble. while i understand why they may think that, i don't think i will gain enough weight to change in size. i would have to gain all the weight back in order to go up in size. a pound or two would not change my ring size at this point.

i lost enough weight [approx ten pounds] that my ring size isnt just going to go back to what it was and its obvious in all parts of my body.

i know this because i know my body and have been thru this sort of weight loss only less than 10 yrs ago and this weight loss is identical to the effects of that weight loss back then. it was also gradual but surprising in that i went down a few sizes in a matter of months. its identical in that i changed my diet in a very similar way and gave up soda [coke].

i know that if i keep my diet as is [which i intend to do] my weight should consistently stay at where i am at right now which is currently is b/t 98 and 99 pounds.

from past experience, once i changed my diet and gave up soda, lost weight, i stayed that same weight w/o gaining back for over five years straight. my body is predictable and once at a certain weight [under 100], it seems to stay there. its pretty consistent. so, i don't know.

i feel if the ring is still too big after the wedding/honeymoon, or by the new year- i should get it resized to a smaller size.

i am of course willing to get a professional opinion from the jewelry store manager and see if they agree once they see the ring on my finger and see how it is way bigger than my finger was only two mos ago.

jimmy doesn't believe weight loss like mine can make your finger smaller. but i beg to differ! i have been thru this before and i know my body like the back of my hand!

i think he doesnt know the first thing about weight loss or being a woman because i have seen my finger size change and even my shoe size change to a smaller size due to weight loss in my past. it did happen to me previously which is evidence that the same thing has happened again. he was trying to say that that doesn't happen and didn't want to believe me when i said, but it DID happen to me before and it is probable!

i know it does happen. i lost almost ten pounds and i was only a little over one hundred pounds. i am only five foot and am petite + small boned. it isn't my imagination!!

i think by all accounts - losing weight in fingers [its called water weight] is rational if not logical. i got irritated trying to prove to him that yes i have lost weight in my fingers and told him he was ridiculous when he refused to believe it had happened.

MEN!

sigh.

what-ev !

My Aveda Experience: transformative + rejuvenating

2008-11-17T00:45:00.001-05:00

I had my salon appt for wedding this weekend and got my hair cut - majorly different and colored. heres a peek of it, but plan to write a fuller entry than this on my aveda salon experience and with a set of better pix. this is just a hint of things :)

Warning: not wearing makeup [foundation concealer ] so skin looks yuck and complexion looks horrible, ugly.

Other than face, my hair came out really beautiful.

I love the new cut with slight layer, its definitely shorter than it was and has more movement, less weighted down. and color came out really nice.

It was a wonderful experience and am thankful to Jimmy who treated me to this.

I have updo and makeup trial next weekend.

I also had my eyebrows waxed which came out nice. My salon stylist was great and I'd definitely go to her again. Her name is Danitza [sp?] and looked of Spanish ethnicity. She was really laid back, calming and nice. She was able to take in my preferences of color via pix and styles as well as add recommendation to a nice look for me [the subtle layers in hair cut]

It was a relaxing experience and of great quality. Best salon experience I've ever had and worth it.

Jimmy made an appt for a hair cut next week during my appt, as it was reasonable and is worth such a nice experience. :)

Hope you enjoy :)

I took a few new pix today when I was out for wedding appts and dressed up, put full makeup on so I could give a better view of how the new cut/ or haircolor look as I felt my face looked horrible in these since I had no concealer or foundation and my complexion looks uneven and splotchy. I hate how the tone looks so weird and looks tan while my neck looks pale...anyway today's pix out, though cold and freezing, came out nice. Will share those at later date :D

Other pix taken directly after aveda salon make-over:

(more later when i find time and energy!)

People Are People.

2008-11-11T21:14:00.001-05:00

Diversity is the sometimes painful awareness that other people, other races, other voices, other habits of mind, have as much integrity of being, as much claim on the world as you do. And I urge you, amid all the differences present to the eye and mind, to reach out to create the bond that... will protect us all. We are meant to be here together.

William M. Chase, 1849-1916

American Artist and Teacher

Keith Olbermann's Countdown show with special comment/ speech earlier tonight was just phenomenal, he got all choked up expressing his feelings and in turn I did as well. It was extremely passionate, emotional, and something I too fiercely believe in.

I felt like everything he stated in this is at the core of what I truly believe in. Love is abstract and about the soul, nothing more. Love is Love.

No one has a right [not church, state, or government] to tell any of us who to love. It's not a matter of sex, race, class, or sexual orientation.

Love is unconditional. And every human has the right to love as they choose to do so. I can't say it any better than Keith's heartfelt speech which is NOT to be missed which is why I share it here.

I do not believe in oppression of any kind. At the core of my heart and soul, I believe in the principles Keith SO passionately subscribes to and I truly see myself as someone who thinks and feels very much like Olbermann- I am a humanitarian just like this--

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVUecPhQPqY

Afternote and After-thoughts on above:

When Keith Olbermann is moving, he is tremendously inspiring to a point of tears and almost mere breathlessness and when he is sarcastic he is absolutely hilarious and so right-on, that the laughter feels incredibly cathartic.

This was one of the most poignant speeches Ive heard by him, other than ones connected to the loss of lives and tragedy of 9/11 which I still remember to this day, being transfixed to the screen because what he said was so real and so incredibly moving to heart and soul.

These last few months Ive grown addicted and live to hear his show, his commentary, take on things nightly. This is because it is so in line with what I believe and the way I believe. I feel such admiration for he aspires what I aspire to be and is unafraid of speaking out even if it is One voice, alone.

How incredibly noble and brave.

And, what a beautiful soul.

+++

Do people not get that Hate does not equal Love and it certainly is rather hypocritical from the Religious right to condemn? "Do Unto Others As You Would Do Unto Yourself"..."Love your neighbor as Yourself."

Anyone with a solid foundation in organized religion would recall and recognize that the idea that God loves all, is consistently woven in and out of the bible and is at the root of every story, main idea, lesson and testament of the very bible that these ignorant people continue to preach. Since when is spreading hate, ignorance and lies god-like. It is sad that some can be so obviously blind and brain-washed.

That will NEVER be me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHxGXeyXNnA

I love this Depeche Mode song which takes me back to high school and 16 yrs old. I was a huge DM fan, had everything by them, saw them in concert as a teenager way back when.

I couldn't help but hear this song in my head as I was listening to Olbermann tonight. The core message in Depeche Mode's song really is much like Keith's message tonight.

Full Speed Ahead (thank god for manic energy!)

2008-11-10T23:30:00.001-05:00

Like i think everyone is aware of, my life is so unbelievably packed right now with wedding deadlines and an upcoming formal wedding around the corner not to mention that honeymoon we are taking toJamaica only a day or two after our wedding- my mind is completely fragmented + ABSOLUTELY CONSUMED with all of this- SO MUCH SO that I have not enough time, energy, and steam to do much else other than getting this wedding organized and making sure we cover every aspect so as to insure there are no mistakes or fuck ups that would ensure a miserable or otherwise stressful day.

I don't like things being done last minute, or not having any order esp when the pressure is totally ON. In order to cope and survive the stress of big events like this even IF happy, I need things to be organized and tackled in an orderly fashion w/o procrastination. I am so fixated on all this that my mind is forgetful, and Ive put off other things in life by the wayside that I did not mean to.

I need to make my brother allister in Cali a mix cd for his bday last month and send him the card I got him over a month ago. but have been so busy, I keep procrastinating and it keeps slipping my mind.

Must work on this tonite, I feel so bad. Ive just been really overwhelmed with TOO MUCH ON MY PLATE!!! That's prob why at J's work I ended up really trashed on vodka mixed drinks at the happy hr party his coworkers had for the two of us.

Oh I had a great time, I was a little bit too outgoing I think LOL that is I couldn't stop talking and I was pretty manic, life of party personality and think my energy could be felt from miles away. J ended up in separate convos cos I got so immersed in one particular one I was having and he was laughing at me later.

It was way more fun than I had anticipated [typically i hate social events - but if i click with others and have enough alcohol, my mood swings to happy, electrified high energy kind of girl. that is what i was this nite.]

As said last nite, will write on this later tonite or in week. Truly only had a few hrs of sleep today and have wasted half my day cleaning at home and trying to organize our list of wedding tasks and deadlines for this week. that took me several hrs. will write more later. got a few hrs before fiance gets home from work and have some stuff I must attend to which means I need to get offline. will catch up soon, promise! :)

I have so much to do, YES there are deadlines when a wedding is only a few wks, more SO than a few months ago actually and it is OVERWHELMING + I have more trouble coping with overwhelm than the NORMAL person and being manic makes it unbelievably hard to focus, stay centered, and to not wander, get distracted or lose track. I feel pretty scattered with so much in my mind and heart. a mixture of consuming feeling, worry, obsession, anxiety, [no time for depression- thank god!], excitement, anticipation, nostalgia, and growing feeling of closeness and bonding b/t jimmy and i thru this process and utter content [happiness and fulfillment.]

Can u tell i LOVE adjectives and emotions! lol

I think it is going to be a beautiful wedding and the emotions are going to sweep me off my feet.

A few recent self portrait pix I took of myself on my 37th bday on November 1st although I have a series of pix from that evening at a new outdoor mall where I dressed up and also took some couple shots with my fiance.

I thought to share a few of my most recent close up shots because I think I do look different. If I look back to pix from July/August, I think I look more bloated. I feel I look healthier although u can tell I am getting wrinkles around my mouth and I do agonize over seeing this in my pix which is only something Ive recognized in the past few yrs prob due to my real age, smoking, stress, and frowning/getting angry and crying too much in the past!!

I wear my glasses I got earlier this yr, the modern semi-cat shape style librarian mod look/style ones designed by Ralph Lauren. They are beautiful quality glasses but I confess that I really hate the glasses look on myself, but guess I look as good as I can for wearing them.

I prefer contacts all the time but allergies simply dont allow me to wear contacts much anymore so I am stuck with glasses 99 percent of the time. I did buy some new sephora makeup recently so Ive been experimenting with new looks :)

And NOW for something completely different--

NOW, this is what I call creative. I was completely thrilled with this oh so cool message that I found on flickr's blog. Here is the message they put together, found it so awesome!

Why couldn't I be this creative? Luv this message

November 6, 2008

A message for Obama

“What do you want to say to Obama, now that he’s about to become President of the US? A greeting? A warning? Some sage (or silly) advice? An idea? Hold up your message to the camera and tell the world what you’d like to tell him.” — A message for Obama

What’s your message?

Photos from happeningfish, gilest, and annavanna

Four Green Fields.

2008-11-10T21:25:00.001-05:00

this was written on 11.07.08

The coworker get-together bash for the two of us was held only blocks from the private University my fiance works at, at a little Irish pub and restaurant known as Four Green Fields.

I ended up drinking and getting a bit too drunk- after 1 and a half drinks [screwdriver]- the coworkers were laughing at me because I was drunk with hardly any alcohol in my system and I ended up having to get Jimmy to ask everyone around us if they had a piece of gum to spare before I passed out. They were laughing with me.

I laughed expressing if I do not smoke while drinking, I cannot handle my liquor very well. All around, I had an absolutely delightful time and it was great fun. Jimmy's worries were quickly put to rest. He had asked me earlier in the week if I was going to make effort to talk and socialize with the others. I said, yeah, if we have something in common LOL

Well, turns out I had absolutely no trouble socializing and this was one of those nite where my manic personality took over. It's hard to explain but when mentally stimulated with deep and fulfilling conversation, I become very extroverted and any shyness flies out the door and drinking increases this heavily.

If you didn't know me, (and only knew me via my words via blog/email) you would never ever guess that I am an extremely shy person frightened and panicked by the prospect of socializing and one who seeks to go to great lengths to avoid social situations which at times makes it seem as though I am excessively antisocial and isolated. I frequently cling to avoidant behavior when it comes to socializing in fact.

The strangest thing is that I have two different personalities, and can swing from social to antisocial depending on mood. There is usually no rhyme or reason. The right vibe, atmosphere, feeling of connection with others can produce the opposite personality [highly social, non stop talking, exuding vibrance and bursting with joy - easily amused, entertained and also perceived by others as very likeable and charismatic]

It is the opposite of what I seem to project to the world on a daily basis, more often than not. The duality and contradiction in this is still something I am not able to entirely grasp or understand at this point in my life.

I had a great venting session with those around [more on this later] as everyone there was for Obama and thrilled that he was elected and were all actually very supportive of me when I shared my upset that day [in regard to being attacked over my support of Obama from fellow Mccain supporters "online" by an ignorant stranger calling himself OLD HIPPIE]

So, I found an outlet and a way to get it out [as I was highly tense, agitated and stressed over these people's comments on viewpoints] although I feel a bit embarrassed I went on and on about it. To a point of excessive ranting but I felt the person I was speaking to truly understood my frustration, why I was so upset and how I felt attacked, and at the core totally misunderstood by these random strangers who were positively some of the most ignorant people I have encountered but not unlike all those mccain supporters who showed true disrespect towards Mccain when he made his concession by loudly booing and showing what sore pathetic losers they all were.

Anyway, the site this verbal altercation occurred on was 'viewpoints' and i quickly wrote head of site to take down my profile and all my writing promptly as i wanted to permanently cancel my existence/membership there and felt the site was slanted to the conservative side and not very open to liberal ideas and suddenly felt like i was in some cult. when you think of the net, viewpoints on film/music, i would think it highly likely that there would be many liberal minded people and at very least a balance of both sides but every where i turned i started to notice conservative extreme republican- one after the other and very ignorant minded, judgemental. This situation had me SO worked up and tho it is only a website, it bothered me deeply. the person totally attacked me for writing an inspiring piece on the election and made fun of my ideals/beliefs. I still feel upset over it, but I will somehow get over it, I guess. I won't be writing there anymore I guess. It's too bad, but I cant really afford the anxiety right now, right before our wedding.

I hit it off really well right off the bat with one of the guys at the Irish pub co-worker party whom Jimmy works with who is a great deal older than us, and shared with me that his wife was a mixture of many ethncities including the fact that her mother was Japanese [it made me think of myself since I am half filipino].

His name was John and he was white and works in the IT department at Jimmy's work. He was maybe ten yrs or more older than I was but we got along really well as we shared similar love of film [magnolia, vanilla sky, matchpoint] and political views as well. He also had very similar taste in film directors as my fiance so that was another common thread since I am very influenced by my fiance's most inspiring film makers. These are Woody Allen and Stanley Kubric.

That was a great convo that went on for a few hours. I don't know because I got so caught up in it all that I lost track of time as i always do when I get immersed into anything. Its almost like my mania and obsession with whatever I am immersed in comes out full fledged and completely takes over me. I cannot control it.

My excitement, enthusiasm, and vibrance are all accelerated the more I talk and the more I share and the more I connect with someone else outside of my actual daily life. I thrive on this kind of mental stimulation to the highest intensity.

I think my fiance was shocked [as well as everyone there, there were about 15 or so there] at the amount I talked. I was nonstop and felt there was just NOT enough time to talk about everything that interests and consumes me and could have gone on all nite to any one that would have listened or contributed to the conversation at hand. There was never a silent moment, and I never ran out of things to say as I usually never do when I am at this point of stimulated and deep conversation with someone new.

When I drink and I click with someone, the conversation possiblities are endless. I could talk all nite and I become hyper like the way a little child does when they've been running around playing in the park or at the playground. Just completely giddy with life. I can't help it but I love that aspect of my personality and most people respond positively to my energy because it is just contagious.

I think I talked everyone out of the bar that nite. and we were the last ones to leave at after 8pm because everybody had to get going and I probably wore them out [well maybe not, but u know, im quite an exuberant personality when in the right frame of mind] LOL..

Unfortunately we were so busy having fun, I didn't even have the opportunity to get any pix which is SO unusual for me esp since I always have my camera on me and since no one else took pix and I was having too much fun, life of the party, distracted by the noisy bar at happy hour. I hardly had time to think let alone remember to record the event for keepsaking memory sake!

Oh well :( I suppose I'd rather have had a fun stimulating experience then a bunch of pix because I was too bored or uncomfortable to socialize or get anyone at a party that was held in honor of us!

[pic of flyer sent to coworkers from Jimmy for us]

Where I'm At (a refutation of time + space)

2008-11-10T15:14:00.002-05:00

As everyone is aware my wedding is quickly approaching - a matter of weeks- and I am up to my eyeballs in to do lists, projected things that must be completed before the BIG wedding day which will be rolling around thanksgiving weekend. Not to mention finalizing ALL remaining unfinished things, tying up loose ends, and the WORKS.

I've got two salon appts for professional Aveda hair cut and color and eyebrow waxing appt, as well as trial run of updo formal bridal hairstyle and experiment of make up look for wedding day as well.

Trust me, we have so much i couldn't possibly explain. I also have two more alteration appts and it is an hour away to drive there and can only be done on wkdays- in the next two or three wks. plus have to meet with cake person, caterer, wedding chapel wedding planner, and minister sometimes before wedding in ADDITION to everything i have just mentioned and i know i AM indeed forgetting something else important but trying to think of it all makes my asthma worse and tightens my chest so I will save it for later LOL

I want to write a review of things bordering on current to nostalgia but time is NOT on my side. So this little teaser entry with a few pix of my desk top where I have my computer and office - where I type my diary entries and go to write online or to simply surf the net.

I love little vibrant knick knacks that give hints of my personality. I think even this tiny background on my desk shelf top [which isn't even a photo of the entire area] does a good job of showing something of my own personality here :)

Til I can share our wedding shower pix and more current things - please enjoy these few i took with very cute quirky and unique cake topper we got from the shower j's mom threw us and the whipcreamed publix cake she got us which was absol. delcious. will refresh everyone on shower when i actually do post all the pix from that day which took place at the beginning of last month. i had over a hundred pix and so that is why i havent had enough time to pull an entry to share these pix. i do prefer putting my real pix in the real entry rather than giving out links. i feel that impersonal and most people do not have time to click on a link of someone's random pix LOL Id rather share directly, as I go, so that is how I do it here!

So here you go!

The cake topper from shower cake- thought it was cute so placed it on my desk top of computer with all other knick knacks, came out adorable-

More Bridal Shower Pix from October, in a future entry when I find adequate time.

Stay tuned for this---

By the way, I've had very little time for anything aside from getting ready for our wedding this month. Sorry I am behind on everything!!!

More soon!

+++

Note to fiance + my self (for wedding):

I prob forgot other things but that is what is in my head and to keep from becoming scattered, more stressed, OR to avoid screwing our wedding up, I feel it necessary to list things that has to be done this week right now so u can refresh your mind and realize the place where are at. and so u can organize your own order of things in your own list at your work desk or at home.

I am calling attention to all things needed to work on in regard to wedding as well as other current things in life.

I have tried to stay focused and to the point. My list is under ten items we need to focus on. I think I did a good job of keeping it simple!

1. Our Photo collage

Reminder : decide on photo collage, the one I created expires soon- I think this week.

So, we should finish our Wedding Reception Photo Collage by tomorrow, but think we should work on it some tonite and finalize the photos we will use and order it ASAP. I do not know how long it takes to make and print and we want to have enough time for it to arrive, in case something was wrong with it and it had to be returned and because we will need to also buy a frame to frame it in appropriate for a wedding!

Just a heads up on something I meant for us to do last wkend that we forgot about, Also we need to contact the minister today and ask when the LATEST is for him to have our vows and what he precisely needs so we can check it OFF our list and have less stress!!!

2. Head count finalized by tomorrow.

3. Final choice of music and finding out parents choice dance songs with us by tomorrow or mid week.

4. Order Floating Candles via website

5. Call Minister, send our vows today IF we have what he needs right now!!!! We need to get all of this done so we can start making a wedding program roughdraft in order to get those printed SOON otherwise we are going to run out of time. We only have a few wks til our wedding left, time is getting very very tight. Need to tie up these tiny but intricate loose ends to keep everything organized and to have a stress free wedding week and day!!

Here is a copy and paste of those wedding vows, you need to send off to Minister, don't send til u are sure we are providing him with everything he needed though. This is why you should really CALL him today so we can get to the direct point of things, finish it, and get it out of the way. the more we get done, the less stress there will be.

Being pro-active eliminates DOUBLE or TRIPLE work, and makes things go smoothly, eliminating unnecessary stress.

If all he needs are these vows I have had for six months typed already and you have had a copy in your email box for same amount of time, then we could have sent this months ago and saved ourselves wasted time, energy and additional stress. Just a siggestion.

The less you procrastinate, the easier everything is. It is the way I operate when I feel overwhelmed by too many things and too much stress. I find it very helpful and recommend my advice to you because it really really works!

For Wedding Ceremony- from book, these are the ones I liked most:

WEDDING VOW

[below is my most favorite and only favorite as there was nothing else to me that was as beautiful as the one below. this particular vow is probably a fairly traditional style of wedding vow but i prefer this one the most out of everything because all the words are completely indicative of what marriage and love should include and involve.]

I, Jimmy, take you, April, to be my partner in life./ I promise to walk by your side forever,/ and to love, help and encourage you/ in all you do./ I will take time to talk with you,/ listen to you,/ and to care for you./ I will share your laughter and your tears/ as your partner, lover, and best friend./ Everything I am and everything I have is yours/ now and forevermore.

I, April, give myself to you, Jimmy,/ on this our wedding day./ I will cherish our friendship,/ and love you today, tomorrow and forever./ I will trust you and honor you./ I will love you faithfully/ through the best and worst,/through the difficult and the easy./ What may come, I will be there always./ As I have given you my hand to hold,/ so I give you my life to keep.

Ring Exchange Vows [either number one or two]:

1. April, this ring is a token of my love./ I marry you with this ring,/ with all that I have and all that I am.

Jimmy, I will forever wear this ring/ as a sign of my commitment/ and the desire of my heart.

OR-

2. You are more precious to me today than yesterday,/ and you will be more cherished tomorrow than you are today./ Please wear this ring/ as a symbol of my eternal love for you,/ a love that transcends all of our yesterdays,/ all of our todays,/ and all of our tomorrows.

Prayers/Blessings [i think Jimmy preferred no. one and thought the second one was a little tacky]

1. May God bless you with Hope enough to keep sunshine in your love, and Fear enough to keep you holding hands in the dark; Unity enough to keep your roots entwined, and Separation enough to keep you reaching for each other; Harmony enough to keep romance in your song, and Discord enough to keep you tuning your love so it becomes sweet music to all who may hear it.

OR-

2. May these two rings symbolize the spirit of undying love in each of your hearts. Wherever you go, may you always return to one another in your togetherness. May the home you establish be such a place of peace and joy that many will find there a friend. May your love for each other be as a pebble dropped in a pond of water. Like the ripples in the water that cross and recross one another's, may your love touch and retouch all those around you throughout your life together.

+++

6. Go to get your famous footwear shoes, decide on Best Buy groomsmen lunchbox/dvd gifts same day

Go to sephora BEFORE wed. of this week to pick up bday free gift, also look for bridesmaid something unique in price range for shannon and jenni while we are at sephora. Look at Ban. Republic + American Eagle, Limited, Express at THAT mall to make sure they do not have a better sweater for wedding gown day that I can buy or any sales on same day. if Nothing, go to Gap in same mall to buy sweater I wanted and use 15 dollar off coupon towards that purchase.

7. Lenscrafters:

Remember have to pick up clear contacts this week also. I do not know when but that's in countryside mall, at latest should get by weekend.

8. Use Michael's coupon this week to get discount and buy what is needed towards wedding, some butterflies to bring to put on floral at wedding, maybe??

Making A Quick Appearance - Wedding Weeks Away!

2008-11-10T03:03:00.004-05:00

been struggling with asthma [the on and off hot and cold weather triggers it, it seems] and lately the daytime upon awaking is a struggle, and then by nitetime it returns forcefully so i cannot sleep or do anything with much focus. i am dropping off my prescription for rescue inhaler tomorrow as my advair seems to be doing close to nothing in preventing a feeling, uprising of asthma attack.]

other than that, still susceptible to IBS, stomach sickness attacks. doesn't seem i can control or predict it and happens at least once to two times a week. it wears me out. other than that i've just been completely swamped, our wedding is only weeks away and our entire weekend was comprised of wedding oriented meetings, goals, and chores. we've got a lot done but still so much more to go. i'm afraid the rest of this month is going to be packed this way if NOT more packed than this, as it comes closer, so i will not be able to keep up regularly on diary reading and noting but will when i find moments of spare time and/or energy to do so. i also have a LOT i still want to share in here in regard to what we have been up to and am so behind that i don't know where to begin. i just haven't had time to write here. i really want to though and am going to first thing when my asthma lets up a bit and ive had a good nite sleep.

we did have a wonderful and full weekend with lots of exciting things happening-- i started writing about this in a roughdraft entry but haven't finished. i also have lots of pix from the past month to share, bridal shower, my birthday pix and more details on that day/ bday gifts etc. [november 1st] as well as a host of many things i am eager to write about when i get the time to do so!!!

other things to write about:

1. last wk's bridal gown alteration appt [have another alteration appt on the 17th, then believe it or not, another appt before my wedding day - that means four separate alteration appts TOTAL in this month alone. they said the beading and applique work is so intricate that it is a harder job than most and cannot be done that easily] jimmy got me some new sketchers at an outlet when he got himself some for work. they are really cute [pix later]

2. we had our appt for our marriage license [really meaningful for both of us and bonding with our love] + then right after raced to make it in time to a mini party with j's coworkers at an irish bar near his work. that was this past friday. it was a really great day and FULL day. that's why ive not been able to write. every day since friday has been so full of NON stop things to do, that I have not had time to go online or log on. I haven't even hardly been home and usually have been so exhausted by the time I am here again, that I just want to relax or go to bed, not look at any computer screens LOL i have begun a full emotional entry on my friday in a private entry but its merely a roughdraft right now, and also about the mini happy hour get together we had with his coworkers which was a blast. i think this was one of those nites that i was totally socially "ON" which is unusual since a lot of the time i am reclusive/shy. i think i was pretty manic that nite but i had a blast and it was exhilirating/ lots of fun, more on this tomorrow!

3. life is full, but life is GOOD :)

4. must write all about my special birthday weekend a few wks ago [nov 1st] which was also a memorable day/nite. i didn't get to write about the best part of it or the birthday shopping i did and the gifts i got but i will this week and ive got some nice pix to share as well - later [maybe tomorrow] we checked out the grandopening of a brand new luxurious outdoor mall called wiregrass on the outskirts of my city, newly built and elaborate, beautiful landscape. got some pix, that was my bday nite. again, ive been meaning to write on all this but i just havent had enough time or energy as of late so i am lagging way behind in everything in my life esp writing and keeping up here, sorry!

5. macy's - best buy shopping/ jimmy's present for my birthday, new music etc.

6. latest favorite documentary/ indie film- inspirational, must see- write on this later.

7. ordered clear contacts for my upcoming wedding

8. specialty m and m favors arrived, pretty. more gifts and favors for wedding bought and received by mail.

9. spent all saturday making playlists on notebook for wedding reception based on my taste, j's taste and the two of our taste since dating which is unique in music style. we got sucked up into this, excited and immersed in it all. more on this and the choices later in the week, still a work in progress but it IS going to be cool.

want to share with everyone his song to me or our couple dance will be absolutely beautiful. i will write about it and the artist/title later when i write about this entire topic. i will also share the song via music site or something. i can't wait to share but not right now, as i don't have enough time and need sleep!!

9. laurie fruitcake/nutcase florist contradictive behavior, final meeting sunday, and finally HOPE she is out of our lives after this meeting and out of our hair so we can breathe w/o stress before our actual wedding. our meeting yesterday.

10. new dilemma for wedding gown, temp. change with colder weather ensures i need to find a sweater or jacket. spent all day looking. hard to match ivory gown, that is formal couture and be able to afford it on my near to nothing budget. think i will find a beautiful knit neutral colored sweater in those 70's style knits that are out this season and are one of my fave trends and i have seen several i want right now. am considering GAP even though its 78 bucks for the one im looking at. i have a coupon so may get that this week when i take a trip back to the mall. i searched all over and it was the best possibility.

11. one good thing tho despite all stress, ive managed to stay off coca cola entirely since the ER visit, i only drink gingerale or gatoraid currently. and ive lost more weight in the past week and since i last posted pix. not a lot but enough to notice it now, ive lost a size or two in my waist/hips. its become more noticeable in a flattering way. i am pretty happy about that.

i now weigh 98.

after florist appt yesterday- i had fun trying on clothes, even more since ive lost weight and it really showed this wkend in the dressing room. i couldn't believe it when i tried on a gorgeous strapless little black dress at Express in a size zero and it fit perfectly. [i haven't been able to wear that size in a few years now since i had gained weight. guess i really have lost a substantial amount. that makes me so happy!]

i will elaborate on above top eleven things i mentioned in my summarized list of latest stuff i want to write more on--- hopefully when later on today or later tonite. after ive slept and caught up on some energy AND hopefully after this asthma feeling has lifted some. it feels like my chest/lungs are being crushed. i absolutely hate this and have felt this way on and off for a few wks now but its been more severe since feeling upset by some ignorant person on friday [a stranger] which is not worth going into because it just makes my asthma worse, and accelerated anxiety/agitation and pissed off feelings that i need to stay away from.

below are some recent photos at the end of October prior to my bday- I weighed around 101 pounds there and it was after I first lost weight after being in the ER for stomach problems stress related- more than likely. Before the ER sickness, i was b/t 107 and 110 pounds.

these are my latest pix upon visiting my parents which I am pretty proud of :)

More pix when I have more time and more on what is currently going on or what we've been up to lately or have accomplished in regard to our wedding which is this month.

marriage + changing your name

2008-11-08T18:22:00.001-05:00

next, i get the joy and stress of doing all appropriate forms needed in order to change my name . it is SO confusing that i feel overwhelmed. i hope its as simple as showing one certified marriage license copy [once minister and witnesses sign license after marriage next week and we turn it in to get official copy of marriage license thru state/govt or whatever] anyone who is married know how this works? advice so very welcome!!!

For those unaware, i get married next week day after thanksgiving so everything is FAST approaching and i am a NERVOUS WRECK right now with so much on my mind!!!

This "name change thing" is something ive actually felt great worry, anxiety and stress over.

It came up after we went to the court to get our marriage license and later that nite jimmy turned to me and said, so does your name just change by itself or do you have to go to court or get a lawyer to change it??

I was instantly overwhelmed when he said this as i had not thought that far or read anything on it so i felt completely in the dark and i was confused, not remembering what was done. this is my second marriage so i have gone thru this process once before but that was back in 1996 and things have sure changed where half my fiance's friends wives keep their name and refuse to change to the male name. I am more old fashioned however and like the idea of changing my name to my new husband's surname. not to mention, i still have my first husband's last name so it would feel good and proper to change that name to my new husband's last name.

In any case, all i recall is sending a certified copy of license to social security [or going in] and driver license office but other than that, i don't recall doing anything else and i dont know if things have changed so drastically that its no longer this way. Anyone know? those married recently in last five yrs or those aquainted with family or friends newly married?

Thanks, ahead of time. any help would be greatly appreciated and would majorly reduce the anxiety and worry i feel over this right now!!!

one step closer to unity + marriage-

2008-11-07T23:18:00.000-05:00

[written november 7, 2008]

By the way, getting our marriage license was really special. I will always remember November 7, 2008 the day we technically signed for our license and took our court vow!

It feels magical since i love november and 7 is my favorite number in the entire world. there was a cute couple next to us - probably close to our age, the guy seemed foreign and I couldn't place his accent and wondered if it was european- than later Jimmy told me they were Israeli and I'd have never guessed. I am not so good at determining the more exotic nationalities I suppose and suck at recognizing distinct accents. I know, I know... I am not very educated when knowing what accent is which.

Anyway, my fiance turned to them to say congratulations. the male said thank you apparently touched and the woman smiled at the two of us and said, the same wishes to you. Both had this very indie college like feel to them, people that looked like we would have a lot in common with them in terms of art, film, music and hip things such as that. It was pretty cool and neat!

The guy had been laughing with the person filling out the marriage license as he wasn't sure if he should put down caucasian or not, i am not sure now why he said this. maybe he didn't know what it meant? he did have a strong accent but on first glance, [quick] i actually thought he was german or belgian, something european and not very dark in color either, more fair skinned. It was amusing, and everyone laughed including us.

Recently - Jimmy asked if I put down caucasian or white for my race as I am mixed and I was completely shocked of that question as ever since a child, teenager and college student, I was always told to put down white or caucasian. In fact on early documents as a baby or child, that is what my parents recorded me as. Even though my mother is from the Philippines and I am half filipino [my father is white/ caucasian by the way for those unaware or new to my diary :) ]

But in this day and age where ethicity - even mixed ethnicity- is so common and there is a need to express our origins- there are so many different things you could put and I am always overwhelmed and confused by it all.

Because I was born in America and because I was raised 'white' and perceived 'white' for much of my life, by parents, by society, by school, by peers, by everyone. I sometimes feel as though I don't fit in anywhere. There is no box to check off, yes my father is white and american but my mother is filipino originating from another country but has also been a US citizen all of my life and so she is truly americanized, so Americanized that sometimes I forget that she wasn't born here!

I feel like there really is no box for people who are mixed and raised american. It's like you are either fully ethnic or fully american/white- I feel like there's no inbetween, too many areas of gray. They need to change things, those little boxes for those of us who fall in between the lines!

So anyway, after completing our marriage license papers, signing all of them and taking our marriage oath with person administering our license, we walked out feeling new and special and closer than before.

We held hands as we left the office and kissed each other down the long empty hallway, feeling giddy and happy. I joked with jimmy that now we are legally husband and wife. Jimmy put his arm around me saying i am finally a "his last name". and i said, yes and smiled. And, now I am your wife and you are my husband- my turtle, my stone, my solid rock to hold on to forever. and then I kissed him and held him tight. We exchanged 'I love you's' right then.

It was a tender moment and a romantic time that I will NEVER forget.

A New Day Dawning

2008-11-06T02:39:00.000-05:00

Initial thoughts, jotted notes of excitement and inspiration after watching the 2008 American Presidential Election take place last night. I used this condensed summary of feeling and thought to write the entry previous to this.

I was so inspired, moved and thrilled that at first I was almost unable to come up with the words. If you've ever been speechless due to something so wonderful and awe inspiring- watching walls come down and history being made right before your very eyes, then surely you will understand this.

My notes:

//Barack Obama//

44th president of United States of America

Amazing + Powerful

Transformative + Moving

Beautiful speech

Let's celebrate and Rise from the Ashes, America!

What a surreal, dream like, miraculous moment!

So euphoric much like New Year's Eve, it feels something like the New Year!

The Rebirth of Cool.

A new day is dawning, indeed!

While we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism and doubt and those who tell us we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes We Can.

Barack Obama

President-Elect of the United States of America

More 'Hope' Quotes

(With every best wish to America's next president.)

Remember This One?

"Fear less, hope more;

Whine less, breathe more;

Talk less, say more;

Hate less, love more;

And all good things are yours."

- Swedish Proverb

I sent what I wrote on the election to both my parents, brother and fiance via email.

These were the replies I got today thus far.

From Mom-

I enjoyed reading your letter and how involved and excited you are. We tried getting you excited before but you were not interested. It took a loved one like Jimmy to get you into it. We watched it till one am and it was very exciting. I have to admit seeing Grant Park made it more meaningful. It almost felt like we were there.

Your dad is always politically involved and made me one too. I am proud to say that we have the same feelings when it comes to that. I am happy that we are not against each other like some couples I heard.

I am going to work with the hope and enthusiasm that you have infused into me. Yes, things are looking up for the better and with God's help America will continue to be great and beautiful.

Love,

Mom

From Dad-

Your mom and I stayed up til after midnight watching it. I have WGN so I was also watching what was going on in Grant park.

dad

From my brother - one closest to me who resides in SF:

It is amazing! People here were so excited that there was cheering everywhere when he won. On Mike's street people came out of bars and of their homes to celebrate. So many people that they closed down the street and there was a huge street party. It really is amazing!

From Jimmy [my fiance]-

Hi, babe. This is an outstanding piece of writing! It almost brought tears to my eyes again. It felt so good waking up knowing that we are finally going to have a President that cares about us. Everybody around here seems to be in good spirits, too. I really hope that Obama comes through and gets us out of this mess as much as he can, which would hopefully solidify his chances of winning again in 2012. The last thing I want after this four years is another Republican in office, like Bloomberg (the mayor of NY), Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee or Sarah Palin (God forbid). I feel that the tide is changing and next election there will be even more young voters that are open-minded and will be inspired to change the world.

I was in the middle of writing this and got interrupted, so I'm just replying now. I have a bunch of things going on today as registration is starting tomorrow and have to get back to it. Hope you have a good day and I'll see you in a few hours!

Love,
Jimmy

+++

(jimmy after attending Obama's May 2008 rally right here in tampa. i took this of him with his new shirt at the time, it is sure moving to heart when looking back since we've been invested in this political race from day ONE!)

these are some personal pix from my own cAmera which jimmy took at the rally as well [i was not with him]

Barack Obama Makes History + Breaks Down Barriers!!

2008-11-05T03:51:00.004-05:00

(in praise of Barack Obama)

I've never felt as politically involved or as patriotic as I do tonight. The anticipation felt while watching the states and electorial votes pile up for Barack Obama was so exciting! We started watching at seven pm eastern time thru MSNBC so we would not miss a thing. We watched til after one am eastern time. We watched the crowd and speeches which were so incredibly moving and beautiful.
Even more moving were the people in the crowd [with TEARS in their eyes, crying. Jesse Jackson crying and later at the speech, Oprah crying] at Grant Park in Chicago [a place I am familiar with because I used to live there]. Our friend in chicago, called us briefly from Grant Park to tell us he was there. This made everything even more exciting!
Watching the people as they announced Obama to be the next President of the United States was something to behold and when this was revealed, it was one of the most touching displays in my entire life and both my fiance and I were in complete awe. I felt myself holding my breath and touching my heart. It was monumental. Even jimmy got tears in his eyes.

I got all choked up thinking what this will mean for society, the world, human rights, banishing prejudice and racism, conquering oppression. This is one of the reasons why I felt so moved. I knew what the people crying must be thinking and feeling. I felt so moved by watching them.

How FAR our world has come! It is both amazing and awe inspiring to watch any form of oppression disintegrate. But this one, I can feel, is going to be especially significant to a great many people who deserve THIS. It's so rewarding and refreshing to see these old ways falling into the cracks and people uniting to take a stand and make a change that could effect the whole world.

Finally, we don't have to look to our leader as a joke and with utter disdain and anger, anymore. Finally we can have a President whom we can see as a role model and can inspire our hearts and minds. Someone who isn't the butt of every single joke or story we see him in through news and media. It almost seems weird NOT to laugh or get pissed off at our President [Bush] seeing the long and blinding road he has taken us down and the damage he has inflicted upon our nation.

It feels like our country finally has a chance. I am proud to say that I voted for Barack Obama, was never undecided, and knew since the start of the campaign who I was voting for and who I believed in.

I cannot even express how happy I am, how happy both my fiance and I are over the final outcome! Obama even won our state which was pretty surprising due to the fact that this state tends to be overrun/controlled by Republicans!

I will never forget this day or the beautifully crafted speech Obama gave upon learning of his victory. I kept thinking through it all, 'I can't believe it really has happened. I can't believe this is happening. Seems too good to be true." It felt something like a dream, surreal, unreal. I mean, I had faith Obama would win but based on past elections, I felt uncertain what the turn out would be as in the past things seemed more than a bit fishy and corrupt.

That said, this was positively a joyous end to a wonderfully exciting and heated presidential campaign. What an amazing victory and a powerful night!

This will be transformative for our nation. It's time to join hands, unite as one people, and move forward together towards a brighter light.
I have never felt so touched in my life especially in regard to politics. This was extremely significant to all of our lives. It's about breaking down barriers, removing the shame of Bush so we can have pride in our country again and it is most definitely a history making moment that most will never forget. Obama's presence, depth, wisdom gives us something to believe in. It's time to rebuild our nation from the bottom up. Rise from the ashes, America. Hope is here now and it's time to change our world for the better!

Yes, We CAN!

Vote for America today, the land of liberty!

2008-11-04T07:17:00.000-05:00

Don't forget to Vote today for America, the land of liberty!

We will certainly be watching all the live coverage on the election tonight!

So exciting!!!

[poster/sticker from fiance's work/uni]

What Your Soul Sings

2008-11-04T07:13:00.000-05:00

Don't be afraid

Open your mouth and say

Say what your soul sings to you

Your mind can never change

Unless you ask it to

Lovingly re-arrange

The thoughts that make you blue

The things that bring you down

Only do harm to you

And so make your choice joy

The joy belongs to you

And when you do

You'll find the one you love is you

You'll find you

Love you

Don't be ashamed no

To open your heart and pray

Say what your soul sings to you

So no longer pretend

That you can't feel it near

That tickle on your hand

That tingle in your ear

Oh ask it anything

Because it loves you dear

It's your most precious king

If only you could hear

And when you do

You'll find the one you need is you

You'll find you

Love you

-Massive Attack

foundations + revelations- [nostalgic moment]

2008-10-29T16:17:00.001-04:00

i was feeling rather nostalgic, last nite and so i started tripping back down thru memory lane. i always go back to the beginning of the foundation of things. my origins. this time i found myself tripping back to the start of my relationship with jimmy which formed back in 2006. he is now the man i will marry in the next month.

once i started reading, i couldn't stop. pretty soon i was hit full-on with the emotions, like i was back in that place and it was 2006 again. a barrage of feeling- giddy-ness, happy and excited, full of desire, want and need, yet always analytical, insecure, anxious. i tried to remain hopeful whenever i wrote about him and the possibility of love and a future because i felt it was the only way to go.

these two entries i will repost and share here really do preserve a moment in time that covers everything from what was happening in both of our lives to music and film, and significant markers of that time period and when we first found each other and love was an adventure, very terrifying because i could really lose and i had been emotionally 'totalled' and shattered with the last hand ful of men i had been with. wasn't sure this falling thru would not be the final end of me. meaning - i'd been broken into pieces so many times by men, i feared that this failing would break me forever and would kill me. if it ended badly. i think he was always aware of this aspect of my fragile personality- its evident by the way he took care of me and by the words i spoke of him.

i shared this with him today. and he just called me on the phone to tell me, thank you, and that he had read it, and it was really nice. he told me he was almost unable to get thru the entire thing without breaking into tears. he was not able to go into great detail but i felt from his few words he was moved. he told me it was emotional and he felt it, and remembered all of it too. he didn't give much insight into his thoughts but he did emphasize several times, it made me, you made me feel really good - really good about myself. so i know that it moved the way i wanted it to move within him.

reading and remembering, feeling it all, well that was a precious gift and i felt an abundance of feeling when reading my own words, it was so touching and sweet. i felt the best gift would be to give him my words and my heart. in essence it was all there. if love wasn't evident back then, i don't know what was.

after reading the initial first thoughts uncensored from my own diary, i am sure he realizes now the importance of words and the memories that they form and what it really means to me, to write, record, and immortalize those feelings, memories, experiences - forever.

i am sure after i shared my heart with jimmy, there is absolutely no doubt in him that i've always seen the good in him and that all the key things i wrote about back then were the things that built the love i feel for him now.

foundations are important. we must not ever forget.

my email to him below:

Hi sweetie-

[prelude to what I am sharing with you and what it entails is below - please read on, thanks!]

In retrospect, I was looking back at things I wrote when we first began dating. I came across my first two entries about you when we began seeing each other. They are very telling about the way I felt and thought back then, my fears, worries, insecurities are also very clear, things I didn't openly admit to you.

The way I write is the way I think/feel in a relationship. I am much more open about my emotions and feelings with you NOW but that is because I feel there is security in the relationship now, but back then and for a long time [prior to living together], I didn't because I didn't really know where I really stood with you therefore my security in the relat. was not very solid and I was scared/anxious most of the time esp. previous to asking you if you loved me and to tell me if you did or not etc. [approx over 9 mos into relationship]

These two entries [medium length, not in depth or long] should not make you uncomfortable. I think it shows my heart, that it shows the way I am deeply nostalgic, the way I care, and also I feel it is sweet, it reveals thoughts of you and hopes towards you and a future...

It is a reflection of things happening and forming between us that really do lock a memory forever in time. I am grateful, so grateful that I am a writer and that I did take time to record what I did here. Reading this took me back and made me remember and feel everything all over again. I revel in remembering and feeling. That's why this is so important to me, even now.

This was in jumbled rambling without paragraph break sentences because back then I didn't write as much and felt so overwhelmed emotionally, I often had no energy to write about life or my relationship. I can still be this way but not to this extent. This isn't a good example of my typical writing but these were written right after you dropped me off on these weekends, before bed when I was often exhausted but pushed myself to write, not wanting to forget anything.

I just wanted to capture my memories with you before they faded. I was on a lot of meds then and drinking quite a bit, and I sometimes could feel my mind slipping. I know NOW that a lot of my memories from that time are erased due to excessive use of tranquilizers etc.

If not for this preservation of memory in diary form, I might not remember all the details although the majority of this I remember like the back of my hand. I think its touching / moving/ insightful/ strange/amusing and makes me blush to re-read this. because all my insecurities are so open and my true feelings are revealed in here without reservation.

Also NOTICE the amount of times i mention SEX and LOVE. both were most on my mind and things i love most. i think what you see here and what you know of me now is pretty consistent to a lot of the detail shared in these writings, altho i recognize ways in which i have changed and grown.

I hope sharing this with you means something to you and it touches your heart in some way, maybe provides insight into a part of me you have never seen or known yet. I am one of those people who enjoys knowing what someone thought of me in the beginning but didn't say and I find it fascinating.

I feel like most people enjoy this kind of thing and I also feel it brings two people closer to share this sort of stuff. It is about a memory and the start of our relationship together, that alone holds great significance because its solely about my heart in all of its fragility and vulnerability and how much i thought about you as well as my depth of feeling for you.

I admit that for a very long time, it was hard that i was unable to share how i truly felt about you- with you- it was excruciating and painful [not to make you feel guilty, but it just was what it was- painful not to express emotion towards you and to not know you felt anything for me].

I'm glad that is no longer something i have to wonder over. the feelings in here are pure and i think you can really tell how delicate i am inside. and scared.

When you read this, you may also notice and remember how nurturing you were with me based on the things I share in these posts, and also how emotionally nurturing you were towards me in the beginning even if you didn't necessarily express direct feelings or emotions even.

It seemed based on these writings I wrote, you were very reassuring - coaxed me knowing my insecurity, fear and hurt inside, and protected, took care of me. I think in the beginning you were this way but notice and recall months later you began to pull back emotionally from the relationship which both confused upset and terrified me.

At one point you were talking of it not working and it felt you were looking to leave or flee the relationship. I remember this being around when you went to Seattle and was gone for two weeks and often didn't call or write when you promised you would.

I think the push and pull in the relationship only kept me more invested in you and our relationship and made me fight harder to keep your interest in me, wish for your love. all of this tug of war and push and pull, memories of how nurturing and 'loving' you were towards me in the beginning of dating as seen in the below entries-- is probably what encouraged me to not give up on you and our relationship and also simultaneously cemented my emotional attachment towards you and deeper development of feelings of love, with you, although i could never reveal this to you when it all began and it sucked that i couldn't be honest for a long time since i am someone who doesnt believe in hiding feelings or keeping things inside.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this. I hope you find it interesting and even endearing, at the very least. I couldn't help but want you to read this, especially when we are taking such a big step together in the next month.

I hope you don't think it is silly and it would mean EVERYTHING to me if you wanted to read this and felt something thru reading it. I hope you like it. It is very emotional but in a good way that should move your heart on many different levels. I think everyone should look back every now and then and take the time to remember how it all began.

Foundations are important because somewhere in the midst of it all, that is when love was formed and created between us. I'd like to know when you have taken the time to read this and hear what you think. Hope you get something out of it :)

I love you-
April

+++

[ the past diary entries posted will be posted now - will update more currently later in week as i've felt extremely emotionally swamped this week, and have been too overwhelmed to write about more current things in life. second, i am struggling with an asthma attack which was kicked up last nite but started days ago when the weather unexpectedly went from HOT to COLD. i mean went from using the air on high sat/sun to having NO air on and even the heat on in the past two days. my system doesnt adjust well, my chest is extremely tight-constricted- hurts, breath is shallow and inhaler/advair is ineffective at this point. i feel congested. i also take zyrtec-d - BUT it's not making a dent either! anyway this is just a sort of emotional interlude and nostalgic share in b/t current events, for now. it's nice to take a break from current life every now and then and that's precisely the mood i am in right now :) ]

read on for the entries that are directly referred to in this actual entry.

[tripping back down memory lane]

HERE are the entries I wrote about him in the beginning:

Tuesday January 10, 2006

jan 6th-

he picked me up. on friday nite. had foods i loved. tapioca pudding and some soups because i was sick and took care of me. we watched me and you and everyone we know which my brother got my for xmas and he had seen but enjoyed so didnt mind seeing it again with me.

we both were very tired so ended up falling asleep towards the end but it was cos i was sick, cos i knew i'd love the whole film and would've if i had stayed awake- i have to rewatch it by myself because i missed parts- it was unique and off the wall funny in different parts.

that nite was the first time we had sex. i don't think he wanted to have sex so soon with me but think he couldn't control it because he knew i wanted to have sex so badly and i made him want it too. it was exquisite. fell asleep after. woke up, had sex again. watched some tv, then watched a radiohead live in astoria dvd he got from netflix, pretty good, fell asleep and napped together.

i woke up in the afternoon and got ready to go to the mall with him. picked up starbucks which he didnt allow me to pay for and looked at a few clothing stores for me (he wanted to buy me something but i didn't see anything i wanted even with the xmas money i had so i decided not to get anything)

it was so sweet that he wanted to buy me clothing though. i've never had a guy want to do that- he told me a little before we went to the mall he wanted to buy me something when we went there and i could pick it out and i felt so special. i felt like i didnt deserve it and didnt want him to waste his money on me! i was almost scared for him to buy me something- i dont know, because i think i feel like he's already given me so much and i don't know why he wanted to give me more?

anyway, i was so indecisive, he saw that it would be hard to buy clothing for me without me being there to choose it with him and mentioned that when we were browsing. i just felt so picky and i wasn't feeling well still so i wasnt in my best shopping mindset which sucked. we looked at: charlotte russe and gap. and then he wanted to look quickly at hot topic.

afterwards, we decided we were hungry and got chinese for lunch at the mall (westshore plaza) and ate in the food court. it was fairly good and we had good conversation. he brought up about teaching me to drive in the future and said if we were still together for a while he would help me learn to drive and get a car so i'd be able to get to places i needed to when necessary. i thought it was a good sign that he sees me in his future as something potentially permanent and serious.

when we got home, he decided to show me the film by stanley kubrick eyes wide shut- with nicole kidman and tom cruise which was bizarre, eerie and eccentric, well acted and great underlying theme of the idea that these people were living in a fantasy world, a facade of sorts, with their eyes closed, and that they needed to open them and wake up, to see what was right in front of them, and appreciate what they had in real life, to not take what they had for granted and to appreciate life. kind of like american beauty's message. my bf is a big fan of kubrick's films and woody allen films so he had been telling me a lot about those films and wanting to share them with me.

after the film, he let me sleep and rest for a while because i was still sick and just very run down and i slept next to him. he slept a little but woke up before me and did stuff while i was sleeping or watched some tv. then he made us both huge baked potatoes and we watched part of Grease (both our favorite film growing up- we idolized it similarly and like to sing the songs in it, also. he says him and his bros used to perform it for his parents. we really have a lot in common)..i believe we ended up having sex before going out that nite. then i showered.

he planned to take me to this beautiful light show with music at his work in downtown tampa that was on like every hour that nite. so we went to that though it was freezing out, like chicago cold and we were dressed like we lived in chicago lol and numb from the cold.

we took pics of the lights and he took some of me alone and a few of us together. it was pretty fun even though i was a little sick and it was so cold. then we drove back after spending an hour doing that. had some soup. watched sat nite live together. had a drink. put in a movie- broken flowers and then ended up having sex and going to sleep afterwards.

sunday we lazed around the house by watching some tv - he made us cinammon rolls for breakfast and then in the afternoon poltergeist was on and we watched it and fell asleep together on the couch during it. after it, we had sex again.

i showered to get ready to go home, and he made me a quick dinner for him and i before he took me back - of fettuncini alfredo and we watched grease again together and that was the last thing we saw on screen together when we walked out the door to go back to my house. it was a good weekend, depsite my sickness. our first time - becoming real lovers and fully having sex. so it was memorable and emotional. we both had a hard time expressing it though and are still going slow with this part of it, sharing emotions.

the weekend of january 13th 2006-

my bf picked me up in the evening- i was so drowsy from benadryl that for a few hrs at his place i kept falling asleep and passing out before we left to go to a club when we were laying next to each other on the couch watching tv shows and a dvd- i remember him kissing me too and not having energy to respond much and being shy and he asked me if i liked kissing as if maybe i didn't and i told him i did and felt bad because it had nothing to do with him, it was the benadryl making me unable to stay awake and my shyness.

i have a hard time making the first move when we kiss or inititate anything of a sexual nature. i think he wants me to be more assertive so he knows i desire him and feels good but i don't know how to be and am scared most of the time.

i'm trying to push myself to try harder but its difficult. i'm passive aggressive deep down. and can only be sexually assertive when i am very drunk or on something that relaxes me enough to make me lose control and lose all inhibition or fear. so, anyway, then we went out to czar, i had about three drinks. i finally woke up!

they played some good songs and so we danced for the first time and it was so emotional the way we held each other and arousing. i was a bit drunk and turned on and so it was easy to dance with him and get close.

i most remember how soon is now? by smiths playing and thinking that is exactly how i feel and the way i think both him and i think and i was thinking how this was meant to be, and how we were meant to be together and felt it was some slight sign.

we didn't stay too long because he was tired but it was ok because we had such a good time together anyway ..when we got home, i was drunk, trashed. i was also on my period. all i remember is laying with him on the couch and being so high on euphoria and aroused-- making out, playing with each other, then we went to the bedroom, after he got a towel to put down and lay me on it since i had my period and we were having sex. i don't remember it making a difference or feeling like it felt like my period, i hardly remember anything except feeling so good during sex and that we both came and collapsed on each other and fell asleep nude on top of each other for a bit and then must've changed into a pj top and underwear when i was half unconscious or half asleep/half drunk. because the next morning, i didnt remember dressing myself or putting it on and he said i had done it myself but we had passed out into sleep for a while before getting dressed.

the following day, we got up in the day. watched the bill murray (jim jarmusch film)- broken flowers- eccentric humor but interesting. then had to get ready to go out to do his car thing that day.

it was very windy and not a great day. he had to go to a car dealer to get a new battery so we went to university square mall and he dropped it off while we went in the mall and found a restaurant to eat at, Ruby Tuesday's for lunch. i can't remember what i had at this time.

so much has happened during these wkends and i haven't been writing that i cant keep up with it all. so much great stuff and emotion is seeping thru me and i can't pour it out fast enough and at the same time am holding on to it (or holding back) to make it stay special and to not jinx the fact that i might really have something here, something true and destined to be great in the future, something with him. i'm hoping i'm not wrong on that count. but i just feel he is the one. and i know its fast.

he doesnt believe in saying the L word right away and it takes him time to say it because he wants to mean it. i respect and admire it but it also makes me a little scared but he is doing it the healthy way. so i am not vocal about my emotions to him right now when it comes to "love"- i know i am falling in love with him. i can even say that i love him right now and it is developing and will get stronger and that this is real and what i feel is the truth and may take time, but i feel it already inside. i think i love him already but before i knew this, i knew from the first meeting that i wanted to love him and i wanted him to love me back.

i don't know what will happen because he is different in that he admittedly doesn't express 'love' right off the bat and that kind of thing takes him a long time to say which im guessing is because he wants it to be genuine and to be certain of himself. we'll see.

before bed, he put in eternal sunshine..cos he wanted me to watch it. he was tired so fell asleep during it. i watched the whole thing with him lying next to me holding me though. it was very sad in parts and i saw both characters in me (and even in him) i related it to us in a way (without the break up part)- just our personas. her impulsive ways and belief that she was just a fucked up girl was like the way i've viewed myself for a long time. and his introverted ways and diary writing of feelings, melancholy were a lot like another side of me too.

i went to sleep after it. i think we didnt have sex again until morning before i left because he was so tired and had to leave to go to his parents house for the holiday. he had to get up early sun. and take me home in the morning because he promised to go there for the holiday. but then, it ended up we didnt leave til afternoon.

in the car, he told me not to worry about anything and that he'd write me and things were going good between us and he didnt want me to feel insecure. he walked me to the door, helped carry my things, waited for me to open the door, then hugged me and said he had a good time with me. i said i felt the same and thanked him. he told me he would email me later and i thanked him and told him to drive safe.

it was hard to walk in that house, shut the door behind, without him following me, knowing i won't be seeing him for another weekend and it will be a long wk to get thru before that comes and just feeling overwhelmed with the fact that i miss him and already feel so much but can't tell him. out of fear he will get scared, reject me, or lose interest the closer i let him get inside of me. so, i don't know.

he treats me well and when i freak out over insecurity he is there right away to talk it out, soothe and fix things. he is reasonable, hasn't ever gotten angry at me or raised his voice at me or spoken in a way that would be felt as if i'm wrong, crazy, or irrational. he really listens and tries to be respectful and thoughtful always. he is the best.

i have to write more later, my medication is making me fall asleep at the desk.

later.

SO busy and all the latest going on with me!

2008-10-27T22:06:00.001-04:00

Life is so crazy right now- been SUPER busy with finishing touches on wedding which is in upcoming November month. and my birthday is this saturday, day after halloween. past wkend between being swamped with little wedding details, the stress of fking trainwreck florist Laurie- been exhausted and overwhelmed. called us to RUIN our saturday morning/day to tell us she had spoken with HEAD FLORIST [funny how the past six mos she represented herself as the EXPERT IE. HEAD florist and LED us on to believe she is something she is NOT]

In any case, she now told us, weeks before OUR wedding- that the head florist CANNOT do ALL colors we chose for reception [yellow, light green, and melon-red colored orchids] have to be fucking changed because florist says they do not match our lilac color in the wedding [my dress is ivory and bridesmaids are lilac]

Jimmy handled it all for us on the telephone and kept his cool but he is about to go off the deep end too and my mom almost wanted to just find another florist at the last minute because Laurie is that disruptive and stressful to everyone and because she is starting to get nervous this flightly Laurie is going to screw up our wedding and waste 500 plus dollars of her hard earned money. i could tell she is feeling as anxious as i am. we've revised our own plan but wont be able to discuss with laurie til nov. 9th and we KNOW she will make it hard no matter how organized we are because she is consistent about making us start from scratch and not allowing us to just tell her what we want and to be decisive in our decisions.

Laurie is so neurotic that she makes you go thru every single detail to assure herself she is not going to fuck your wedding up. i have about had it to HERE with her and when we do see her, if she tries to inflict more doubt, uncertainty in the choices we make- i am going to go off on her and tell her simply, this is what we want and this is what we are paying you for, so please just do it and stop making everything more complicated than it needs to be. this is ridiculous.

I will be reporting her ASAP after this wedding is over, btw, to the appropriate manager at Publix. No way is she getting off on this so she can ruin someone else's wedding in the future. she is completely incompetent in her role as 'event planner' and does not belong in the job title she is currently in and needs major training in customer skills although I believe it is a mental defect in how she treats others and she is so neurotic and all over the place, that she does not belong in a job that involves leadership, customer service, assertiveness or in catering to a person's special day.

The appropriate head people NEED to be aware of her inability to perform her job or remain professional. I expect her to challenge our decisions of floral and colors on our nov. 9th appt.

We will print and bring the ones we found online [i'll share pix of these at end of entry below] because we simply do NOT want to email her our ideas cos she will just ASK more stupid questions and waste more of our time on the phone, cause more stress and really I would like to fking enjoy my 37th bday this coming saturday and want NO part of laurie in my life this week. Everytime I think about her, I get pissed off. I do not have the patience to deal with her right now. I am fed up.

***Here are the orchid colors we are considering and hope we can come to an amicable consensus b/t laurie and head florist as I dont have much energy left to contend with our choices NOT being good enough.

I hardly think I LACK the visual sense of what colors go with what and knowing how to put colors together. That is one of my best skills and fashion is something I have always considered as a career because that is how good I am at style and color so it REALLY insults me when someone suggests that the color flowers I chose do not go wtih the colors in my wedding not to mention the fact that I thought we HIRED her and are paying her to do our wedding. Doesn't that mean that we have total say in what we want and that what we say goes??!! I feel like these people act like they are the customers and we are the ones working for them. I just don't get it.

Phalaenopsis Orchids >

Doritaenopsis Ruey Lih Beauty "M"

Phalaenopsis Orchids >

Phalaenopsis Sogo David

Dendrobium Orchids >

Dendrobium Nestor "Nagata"

Cymbidium Orchids >

Cymbidium Meglee "Miss Taipei"

Cymbidium Orchids >

Cymbidium Lady Fire "Red Angelica"

Cymbidium Orchids >

Cymbidium Dorothy Stockstill "Forgotten Fruits" with Two Flower Stems

Cymbidium Orchids >

Cymbidium Waltz "Romance"

PS.

BTW, I have the bridal shower pix finally but haven't had any time to upload and share here. Will later when I can find some time! Also had dinner with parents and visited on wkend and took a few photos over there on Saturday. Will share and post at a later date.

New things or upcoming:

1- Marriage License appt is November 7th for the two of us. we cant believe how fast everything is going and it is really an emotionally warming/moving experience to realize that by the end of November I will be his wife and him my husband :D

2- his coworkers which are predominantly female [most i've met and are nice, always tell me what a nice guy he is and such a great catch cos he is so polite and ultimate helpful boss/worker with them] want to hold a little late lunch/dinner get together for US in honor of our upcoming wedding. A bit like a shower but not really..More like a get together and celebration of our upcoming future.

I think that is so sweet and I look forward to it actually. It is really nice of them to think of us this way especially when some people are still set in the tradtitional way of things. It's rare that coworkers would throw any sort of party for the guy in the engaged relationship or the couple then again maybe it is cos they are female and he is well liked by them. It is refreshing that they aren't stuck in conservative conventional ways which I think are very unrealistic in this day and age. It is refreshing that people realize things are far different today and both people in coupleship deserve to be honored! :)

More things going on in life, not all connected to our upcoming wedding, in a future entry when time allows me to do so. I feel so scattered and all over the place that I feel I am way behind when it comes to sharing all that I want presently. More later when I have unlimited time to think, focus and write! :)

(latest wedding update/ details from fiance)

2008-10-27T15:50:00.000-04:00

Hi, babe. I just wanted to let you know that I called about the marraige license and the tux. We don't need an appointment to get the marraige license. The lady said that Monday and Friday are the busiest days, but it shouldn't take longer than 15-30 minutes. I'm telling Michelle that I need to leave at 2 or 2:30 pm on Nov. 7th, so I can pick you up and drive downtown to get our license. I could probably wait until 3pm, but I don't want to take the chance of there being a long line and us not being able to get it that day. I'm not sure what they have planned for the little celebration or party they want to have for us, but I'll let you know the details as soon as I know them. It'll probably just be for about an hour or so someplace near work, like Four Green Fields or the Dubliner (both Irish pubs), or some other bar/restaurant.

I called about the tuxedos and everyone has been fitted. I also got our group number so I can look at what we ordered online. They had the wrong vest color in the system, so I asked the guy to change it for me. I'll be picking up my Dad's, both of my brothers' and my tuxes at Citrus Park and your Dad's, Allister's and Corky's will be at the Clearwater store. I'll call again about a week before the wedding to verify everything is correct because the website doesn't show pickup locations.

At lunch, I went to Alessi's to pay the deposit. It was like $71, so the balance due on Nov. 18th will be around $214. Maybe, we'll go there on Sat. Nov. 15th to buy the cake topper and pay the balance. I think we should look around Tampa for other places that might have toppers because the ones there are pretty expensive. The nice one that you were talking about is $45, but I think they have another nice one for $30 or $35. I heard that Party City has a wedding section and I think there is a $5 off coupon in the paper, so maybe we can go there one night later this week to see what they might have.

Well, that's about it. Hope you are having a good day. I'll see you in a few hours.

Love,
Jimmy

Being An Early Voter Feels Great!!

2008-10-23T20:45:00.000-04:00

We filled out our ballot [absentee] tuesday nite and am proud to say voted early yesterday!!!

I have to say that IF Jimmy hadn't researched all the ones running locally in FL so i knew who was the best to choose from each category, AND if he had not researched proposed bills or whatever to vote on, I'd have been overwhelmed because some of it is worded in a way that is confusing, overwhelming, and I am not that UP on what each amendment bill proposal was about. that is over my head. Even Jimmy who knows a lot about that stuff, had to find a website online that explained what each bill was in depth before choosing the best answer. It took him HOURS to research everything and fill out the sample ballot. We have the same overall beliefs on controversial issues and in life, so I knew I could just put whatever he chose for himself .

I mean, the main answer that counts MOST is who you choose as president and vice president and truthfully that is ALL I care about.

BUT I still did not want to be 'ignorant' OR put any wrong answers or leave blanks and run risk of having my ballot not counted. Jimmy explained to me in simple terms what each bill literally meant and why he supported or did not support it. I agreed with every answer he gave for the proposed amendment bills.

We are both very excited over this election but also feel great caution and trepidation while simulatneously feeling terrified what the world will come to IF mccain/palin are chosen [BAD CHOICE] as we feel the country will crumble, freedom will not reign in this country of supposed free choice AND we will be doomed.

We think Obama is doing extremely well and while everyone speaks highly of his chances of winning and predicts his success, we still have the same fear that what happened in the past TWO elections will repeat itself. I believe both of those were fixed elections and I most certainly did NOT vote for that IDIOT.

Corruption is all around in politics and ive already said IF mccain gets in, that means this race was completely bogus and most definitely FIXED.

We hope for the best though. it took me five mins to copy jimmy's sample ballot last nite and it felt GREAT to get it completed knowing my vote counts for something and wanting to get it in right away since my choice is solid and my mind has been made up since the start.

Jimmy dropped it off by hand today in downtown tampa [we didn't want to take a chance by mailing. u never know if it anyone is dirty. the one head of ballots in FL is on the ballot and his name is on the voter registration. he is affiliated with dirtiness and corruption. we do not trust him.] --- where our voter ballots are assigned. :)

(more wedding planning/mom's sweet email)

2008-10-23T16:24:00.000-04:00

Sent: Thursday, October 23, 2008 3:57:26 PM
Subject: Fwd: I had a ball [from mom about candles/decor she bought for US]

I just came back from the store and it was a productive day. I found the unscented ivory floating candles or tea lights and there are 144 for six dollars. I can be use for anything. If you dont like it I can return them for a refund. I bought a bunch of amethyst glass gems which can be use for decorations or par t of favors. I can ask my Chinese friend to inscribe Chinese characters for April and Jimmy'

I also bought a purple small wicker basket which can be used for anything. I can decorate and will look Pretty. Everything is falling in place little by little. We dont need to get stressed out anymore. What do you think of my adventure? Talk to you soon.

Love,
MOM

issues + power struggles

2008-10-23T15:14:00.003-04:00

I wrote this to my fiance because I am at times triggered by the fact that he often doesn't appreciate the emails I send to share my thoughts/ feelings with him and he doesnt really email me much at all when at work. Its foreign to me and Ive never known anything like this. It also makes me very unhappy that he has little interest in emailing me, sharing or replying to what i do take time and effort to share. It irritates me and upsets me.

J. doesn't share much and I've had to pull everything out of him that Ive gotten in the past. he never tells me about his day or his friendships at work, he never volunteers anything with me and I always have to hint or ask him straight out. I hate that.

It makes it seem like he doesn't want to share anything with me and I feel resentful. He says that he just doesn't share cos he feels its work and its unimportant but I disagree. Sharing makes me feel closer whether its trivial or deep, and we are sharing a life together.

I had a PAST relationship and a marriage that encompassed constant sharing, there was not one thing we couldnt tell one another and it made me absolutely the happiest most secure person in the world and it is HOW ALL relationships should be. It is what I want. I cannot live with someone who cannot give me this.

I love my fiance but this is a big problem to me and it is an ISSUE that has to be fixed or I will grow bitter towards him and it will push me away and the marriage will be doomed.

I need someone who lets me inside and communicates. he has major trouble with both of these and often shuts me out esp when I most need empathy, care, soothing, consolation.

I have to SCREAM, cry and get upset for him to even give nuturance that I want.

I am very needy. and he is very emotionally distant at times. He never discusses the relationship, how he feels or what he thinks. It bothers me and drives me insane most of the time.

I do not like it and I want it to change.

I wrote the below email to him yesterday when I found he still had not read something I sent a week ago to share something I wrote in this diary, that was important to me. I was extremely hurt.

I often feel I am not a priority or important to him. I feel worthless that he doesn't read what I write when I send it and furious that I have to fking remind him to read what i sent a long time ago by forwarding the same email I had already sent him and asking him everyday did he read it yet.

He always says oh no, i forgot or i am too busy YET he has time to do other things which I feel should NOT be a higher priority than me. his reply to me in this email made me blow up and cry for an HOUR or more hysterically last nite.

J. basically replied how he always does wthout apology, without any remorse, without acknowledging that I feel hurt, without empathy, without saying he will try, without admitting he should try and that he wants to try becos he loves me enough he wants me to be happy. He is great at saying nothing and the more I want him to comfort me and console me when upset, the more he ignores me walks away or acts like I do not exist. There is nothing that makes me angrier and that is the quickest way to get me to fking HATE you.

J. didn't say anything and I asked aren't u going to say something to what I wrote to you?!!!

[This is how it is anytime I tell him how I feel + what I want from him in the relat. he says absol nothing and I feel enraged]

So then he replies with: "I don't know what you want me to say. "

I say, " You Have Got To Be Fking kidding me!!! You don't know what to say?!?!?! Are you fking for real???

And after all this, ALL he could say which made me more hurt and even angrier, was this fking pathetic answer:

"Well the baseball game thing was time sensitive so I had time for that."

SO, in other words, my words and what I share are not significant. F**king NICE. He eventually came in the bedroom and told me he loved me but he is always so emotionally vacant when I cry and hurt, and he acts the opposite of what you think someone who loves someone would act WOULD. He is always stiff like he is uncomfortable.

I do NOT get IT or HIM. It is just beyond my comprehension. I got over IT but it is an issue and he didn't really say anything of validity to make me convinced he gets ME and gets that this needs to be fixed if he wants US to work out.

I wrote him this:

Hi sweetie, thanks. it's just that I notice even when busy, you don't avoid reading/ or replying to any of your male friends who write you. I notice you read and replied right away to bryan when it had to do with baseball, that you do read/ and write back to any of your friends in general or your bros if they email you. I would like to be treated with the same type of loyalty and excitement, effort that you give to them.

Maybe if you did w/b and make me feel that you cared about the things I sent by replying with a single word reply or one sentence to know that you even read it, I would not send so many emails in a day to you. The more I feel I don't get attention , the more I act out by desperately seeking your attention.

If I continue to feel ignored, I will just send more and more and eventually I will get very angry because I begin to resent that I am not noticed, appreciated, or given attention to. If I feel invisible that means I feel like I am worth nothing and the amount of confliction/pain I feel over this "rejection" is tremendous.

My anger is created out of pent up feelings of rejection and it is tied to past abuse. Whether you want to believe it or not, the past is always a result of how someone reacts, feels, and views things in the future. If you have not suffered abuse, you will NEVER understand. The damage is forever but if you don't realize the way I am affected/effected or start seeing the things that do upset me and start changing those things- you will continue to make me feel hurt. If you love me, you will wake up and notice these things and do what it takes to exert effort to show you care what I have to say when I share it with you.

The TINY amount of effort you could make takes NOTHING to do and I don't care how busy you are. If you have time to write your friend about baseball and find tix and world series times to find a way to go, then you SURELY DO have adequate time to read my measley small email that I only shared to be close to you and share a part of my world in diary writing and what I share with people who are my friends outside of YOU.

I sent my thoughts WAY before the day B. wrote you and you searched for baseball tix but being busy did NOT stop you from taking time/effort to read, write, and find out stuff for him + for yourself. That probably took MORE time to do than reading and writing one sentence back to my email would have. That proves to me that IF something or someONE is important enough to you, then You WILL find the time. If I were top priority, the same would be true but I am not a sport or baseball so I do not come first. That is just how I see it, no offense.

Just sharing my frustration of feelings. It is not my intention to make you feel small or hurt you or yell at you or make you feel stupid. My intention is to get you to see that it really hurts when you don't acknowledge things I share or make any effort to tell me you read it and what you thought or show some way that you care that I sent you some part of myself. It hurts me that you don't and I have asked you over and over again to please make an effort and told you how it makes me hurt, cry and sad.

I want to get my point Across on this because if I don't, I am going to get more and more bitter and resentful becos inside I feel very rejected by you a lot of the time and you are not doing much to change it.

I also feel my feelings on this are justified and I have never had a relat. with someone who had a problem that I lived with or dated, emailing me or emailing me back to every email I wrote them and making me feel like I was the MOST important and the CENTER of their world. That tells me a lot.

Anyone can make the effort and will when they truly want to show the person in their life that they love them and it really isn't any effort to make when you truly are devoted to the person you love. That is what I give to you and what I want to get back. It is what I deserve and it is absolutely nothing I should feel guilty about, because it takes nothing out of any man who is marrying the woman he loves and is asking her to be his wife. These are things that should come easy and is part of the role of what you give to your wife.

If you are not able to give this, you aren't going to be able to handle being married. that is the honest truth. I hope you think about what I have said and realize that I do love you that is why I am trying to 'fix' this cos it is a problem , a big problem in the relationship.

Lack of sharing and communication will not work for me- things will not last if you cannot learn to give more than you do, verbally and emotionally. I am not asking for anything that is impossible or that is not a "given" in ALL marriages not to mention general committed relationships that do not even include marriage yet. Please consider all this.

I love you,
April

+++

Ironically I then received this random email from emotionalhealth.com and the topic was on the top ten secrets to a happy and lasting coupleship/marriage. I found it fking hilarious and also redeeming to see everything I had stated and emphasized to him about healthy happy relationships and what he NEEDS to do and work on, was in this email by a REAL therapist. I could not wait to show how this article supported every thing I had tried to get him to see but he wouldn't listen to me. So I couldn't resist to send it. I wasn't trying to rub it in his face but he constantly makes me feel like I have to PROVE what I say is TRUE, valid, credible and REAL in order to get him to believe in what I say. I wonder why I have self esteem and confidence issues. It's because I always sense by the way he reacts to my emotionality that he doesnt support what I think or feel my view is rational or real.

I always feel he is doubtful of me or accuses me of exaggerating. I always feel like I have to prove myself. it would be nice if someone loved me enough to believe in and actually have faith in me and see me as a competent person. I have screamed at him over this several times in the past yr.

Yes, it has been a very stressful yr in our relationship becos he is so unaware of what it takes to have a healthy relat. and he is SO resistant when it comes to change, compromise or giving validation - he especially does NOTHING to really help me cope with my mental illness nor does he have any interest in reading on it. It discourages and pisses me off.

He says he supports me but doesn't need to read about my bipolar disorder. I think people like this are ignorant and lazy. He just doesnt want to put any effort forth. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would do everything I could for him. Because that is what love is. His attitude also reflects what his parents think that people who say they are depressed are just lazy and it doesn't really exist. I truly hate ignorant people.

So I sent him the note below along with article!

Hi sweetie,
The majority of this list covers ALL the things I have been trying to tell you for a long time and what I keep emphasizing everytime I am upset or have an issue with our relationship. All the things I have tried to make a point to get you to understand are covered in here. These simple ideas are in line with what I have said to you all along and have asked for. They support everything I tried to get you to see earlier tonite when I was upset, but that you seemed to resist against and not understand that they are indeed required in any lasting or growing relationship and most definitely in marriage.

If this doesn't make you see how important what I say is, I don't know what will but this was written by a licensed marriage therapist and I think this will prove to you that I know what I am talking about when it comes to successful loving relationships and what is necessary if you want to last.

I believe it is important that we always work on our relationship just like this says and it is one of my strongest beliefs in life. I think it is important to care about the relationship you have with your partner and I think that taking care of the relationship shows how MUCH you are invested in the person you love and in what the two of you share together. When you are invested in something, you do whatever it takes to make it work because you value that thing or person.

This article is short and covers ten main points. It should make all the things I have said to you over and over, valid. I think this will also make you realize that what I have asked for is realistic and it does need to be worked on and not ignored or swept under the rug until the next argument.

I hope you will now take seriously what I have said when you see that these things are most certainly required for our relationship or any marriage to succeed. Please take the time to read this. Thanks.

Love, April

+++

The 10 Secrets of Happy Couples

By Maud Purcell, LCSW, CEAP

December 10, 2006

They might be 30, or 75. They come in all colors, shapes, sizes and income brackets. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been together. Whatever the demographics, when you see a happy couple, you just know it!

How do these couples stay in love, in good times and in bad? Fortunately, the answer isn’t through luck or chance. As a result of hard work and commitment, they figure out the importance of the following relationship “musts.” Because few couples know about all of the musts, I think of them as the relationship “secrets.”

Happy Couples and Their Secrets

1. Develop a realistic view of committed relationships.

Recognize that the crazy infatuation you experienced when your romance was new won’t last. A deeper, richer relationship, and one that should still include romance, will replace it. A long-term relationship has ups and downs, and expecting it will be all sunny and roses all the time is unrealistic.

2. Work on the relationship.

An untended garden develops weeds that can ultimately kill even the heartiest plants. And so it is with relationships. It is important to address problems and misunderstandings immediately. Some people believe good relationships just happen naturally. The truth is that a good relationship, like anything you want to succeed in life, must be worked on and tended to on a regular basis. Neglect the relationship, and it will often go downhill.

3. Spend time together.

There is no substitute for shared quality time. When you make a point of being together, without kids, pets and other interruptions, you will form a bond that will get you through life’s rough spots. Time spent together should be doing a shared activity, not just watching television.

4. Make room for “separateness.”

Perhaps going against conventional wisdom, spending time apart is also an important component of a happy relationship. It is healthy to have some separate interests and activities and to come back to the relationship refreshed and ready to share your experiences. Missing your partner helps remind you how important he or she is to you.

5. Make the most of your differences.

Stop and think: What most attracted you to your partner at the beginning? I’ll almost guarantee that it was exactly the thing that drives you most insane today. Take a fresh look at these differences. Try to focus on their positive aspects and find an appreciation for those exact things that make the two of you different from one another. It’s likely that your differences balance one another out and make you a great team.

6. Don’t expect your partner to change; but at the same time give them more of what they want.

If both you and your partner stop trying to change each other, you will eliminate the source of most of your arguments. At the same time, each of you should focus on giving one another more of what you know the other person wants, even if it doesn’t come naturally. For instance, instead of complaining how your partner never cleans out the dishwasher, try just doing it yourself once in awhile without complaint. Your partner will likely notice your effort and make more of an effort themselves around the house. If you do both of these things at once you’ve got a winning plan!

7. Accept that some problems can’t be solved.

There may be issues upon which you cannot agree. Rather than expending wasted energy, agree to disagree, and attempt to compromise or to work around the issue. Two people cannot spend years together without having legitimate areas of disagreement. The test of a happy relationship is how they choose to work through such issues — through compromise, change, or finding it’s just not that important to stew over.

8. Communicate!

Lack of communication is the number one reason even good relationships fail. And here is a useful format for doing so, especially when dealing with incendiary topics: Listen to your partner’s position, without interrupting him or her. Just listen. When he or she is finished, summarize what you heard him or her say. If you can, empathize with your significant other even though you don’t agree. This will take your partner off of the defensive, and make it easier for them to hear your thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to argue when you use this format, and best of all, you may come up with an understanding or a solution.

9. Honesty is essential.

You may share with your partner the things he or she doesn’t want to hear. Better this than to have him or her doubt your honesty. Mistrust is one of the key deal breakers in relationships. And once trust is lost or broken, it can take a very long time to re-establish it in the relationship.The happiest couples are the ones where honesty is as natural and every day as breathing.

10. Respect your partner, and don’t take him or her for granted.

Treating your sweetheart with respect is likely to get you the same in return. And regularly reminding them how much they mean to you will enrich your relationship in indescribable ways. When you say, “I love you,” pause for a moment to really mean it. And don’t be afraid to express your feelings of appreciation with your partner — he or she will be thankful that you did.

Making these secrets an integral part of your relationship won’t be easy. In fact, your efforts may initially seem like planted seeds that never come up. If you maintain your efforts, however, you will likely reap what you sow.

What's Related

Loving in Flow

Historical Secrets to Happiness

Be My Valentine: An Exercise to Grow Your Relationship

Agreeing to Disagree: Overcoming Communication Conundrums in Relationships

5 Secrets to a Successful Long-Term Relationship or Marriage

Couples Can Communicate Without Anger

Couples and Marriage Counseling

Acknowledging and Accepting Your Mate

Other articles by Maud Purcell, LCSW, CEAP

I was happy to get this reply from Jimmy this morning:

Hi, babe. I just wanted to quickly say that I read this and I agree that we have to work on these things. I acknowledge most of it will take a better effort on my part and I am committed to making our relationship stronger. I do appreciate you and am interested in the things you say and share, and I apologize for not expressing my feelings in a way that it would be more apparent to you. I love you very much!

I’m going to read your other message about the marriage license now, so if there’s anything I need to do with that today, I will. I hope you have a good day!

Love,

Jimmy

+++

I hope it all sinks in. I thanked him and told him I love him. I am sure he is frustrated with me or tired of me asking for more but I refuse not to tackle things that need to be fixed.

I want the best for our relationship and I won't remain quiet or allow myself to suffer/ be walked over or made to feel insignificant ever. I will stand up for myself always.

**Just a venting entry.

We are fine but we have issues like anyone else. This will indeed be NO NOTES. I do not need to get any notes that make me feel worse, cause me more stress, or make me more angry towards him. I do not need advice, I am already doing all I can. I just get tired of keeping it all inside + I have to vent thru writing otherwise I will go insane and the emotions will crush me.

I write entries like this very rarely becos I do not want my relationship with fiance dissected, picked apart, or put under a microscope.

'the hummingbird' episode titillates + amuses!

2008-10-23T08:00:00.001-04:00

my own worst enemy' has only had two episodes so far and is on NBC at 10 pm on monday nites. even jimmy likes it. its intriguing and made me think of part dean koontz/part spy/ part la femme nikita in plot/style [i thought of 'watchers' a bit] also other stars that are known are on it like madchen amick.

it is nonstop action, and lots of twists, keeps u guessing, funny during parts and slater is really good in this show. i read previews of it before it came out and it had great potential for being a hit for the fall. i have to say its my new fave show and refreshing cos its unlike anything else i watch currently.

we found ourselves laughing and asking questions what this 'humming bird' secret hot sex move was [altho i was pretty certain i knew of it personally haha] accdg to the multiple personality of mr spivey on the tv show my own worst enemy - played by christian slater.

if u did not see it, u totally missed out.

this show is truly a gem! it is funny in sarcastic ways and it keeps its audience guessing, this hummingbird reference was definitely put in the plot and dialogue to encourage fans minds to wander, become curious, and to entertain the audience -i like smart shows like these!!

the show is very amusing. both me and my fiance enjoy it and find each other looking at each other during it and making inside jokes on the character and his second personality which is the wild sexual good in bed character. if u havent seen this by now, u should.

it isn't too late since there have been only two episodes so far. its on every monday!

see short funny article on the HUMMINGBIRD lol

'The Hummingbird' ruffles feathers on 'My Own Worst Enemy'

Oct 21, 2008, 09:57 AM by Michael Slezak

Categories: Sexytimes, Television

Call me pervy, but I found myself highly amused by last night's subplot on My Own Worst Enemy in which Christian Slater's superspy Edward breaks out a (presumably?) fictitious sexual technique called "The Hummingbird" on Angie, the wife of his hapless suburban alter-ego, Henry. Mind you, part of me was just thrilled to see the underrated Mädchen Amick (an actress I've enjoyed on such failed series as Central Park West and that late '90s Fantasy Island remake) doing fine work on a show that's (hopefully) not going to be canceled after four weeks. But it also tickled me to see a network drama push the boundaries of good taste using little more than the name of a tiny, winged creature that's a favorite of backyard birdwatchers. "The Hummingbird," of course, joins L.A. Law's "Venus Butterfly," Seinfeld's "The Move," and Ally McBeal's "The Knee Pit" in the annals of racy television bedroom activities. Are there any others that I'm forgetting? And what did you think of the whole "Hummingbird" storyline: Amusingly racy or just plain tasteless? (If you missed the episode, I took the liberty of embedding it, after the jump.)

More on "My Own Worst Enemy":

Review: "My Own Worst Enemy"

"My Own Worst Enemy" premiere recap

"My Own Worst Enemy" casting scoop

escapism or something like it.

2008-10-23T00:04:00.001-04:00

Lately I am just too tired , distracted by all these wedding things we still need to complete [its only gotten more hectic in the past month and prior to this it was already stressful and busy], and I have been strung out on all we have to do.

We havent even watched any netflix in two mos and have 3 dvds to watch still but that is partially due to the fact that all of HIS sport games dominate the weekend [baseball and football] and by the time he is done and we get in a few short shows that i like, there is no time left. [i also get aggravated that by the time he usually watches the one measley show i wanted him to watch with me that is less than an hour, he falls asleep during it because all of his energy was expended towards his freakin' sport game!! god I HATE sports.

[we did end up watching a fabulous, crowd pleasing indie documentary this past weekend and i will write about it another day when i have more free time and energy!!]

Weekdays are dominated by 3-4 hrs of latest political shows/election coverage and all the new season shows for the fall. But those are things I quite enjoy and am addicted/ obsessed with anyway. I never miss Chris Matthews Hardball, Keith Olbermann countdown, and Rachel Maddow show, all three political shows are gems and I love all these hosts who are incredibly intelligent and witty people!!! I get my fix nightly monday thru friday with politics and satire!

We are looking forward to the debut of 30 rock this season which is our most fave comedy show on regular primetime tv. I think it's tonite - isn't IT? well, if it is, we will be enjoying every moment tonite - can't wait to see tina fey's Liz Lemon character as well as hilarious Jack played by alec baldwin.

we will also watch the office tonite, SNL debate wkend update special, and my fiance's fave reality show which personally i think is kinda stupid/ tacky [i think it is as stupid as american idol in MANY ways and think mainstream crap like that is junk] but i watch with him- cos it is his favorite and we compromise. SURVIVOR is human drama at its finest. i can only enjoy the show if i laugh at the people on it and make fun of them. then again, thats prob the main reason people love it, its hard to find anyone likeable in that show, everyone usually has something despicable about them. and i dont think highly of people fighting over a million dollars. really superficial. i have never had an urge to be rich or care about lottery or winning money. i simply feel there are more important things in life and i am far from money obsessed LOL]

OH also this past month, I got jimmy to start watching the new adventures of old christine [or something like that ] with julia louis dreyfus cos my little brother used to watch it [its hilarious and kooky. we enjoy her neurotic wine loving- self absorbed needy character, as well as the brother who plays a therapist but yet is extremely neurotic and scattered, and that blk lady who was also on curb your enthusiasm. is her name wanda?]

We have also taken a liking to 'how i met your mother' cos its very funny, kind of realistic in dating and relationship dilemmas b/t guy and girl and embarrassments in dating, as well as nostalgic, relatable to people are age and college age. i enjoy that one and wondered why i never paid attention more.

We both think the womanizer/player as characterized by "barney" in the show, [actor who once played doogie howser and is gay in real life] IS absolutely hilarious. the one where they find an old tape of him where hes all hippie like and sappy is so funny.

My other fave on that show seems to be the main character of entire show is the guy that always has very funnynostalgic stories and it seems the story often centers around him and he can kind of seem like dumb typical guy when it comes to how he puts his foot in his mouth with the women he dates and such. I think his name is "Ted"

I like him most prob cos he's very realistic in the way that i will often relate to things b/t him and whomever he is dating since it shows the way men and women think and how it can be both painful and embarrassing at times but there is always a moving moment b/t him and the girl that moves your heart and that's another reason i enjoy that.

Watching these shows helps alleviate the stress believe it or not. Sometimes we need an escape. I agree that television isnt my entire world and think I could live without it much of the time. But at this moment, it sure has been a godsend and a way to find some relaxation in between stress and exhaustion associated with making this wedding perfect and successful. Believe me, you'd all be kicking back and finding some way to veg out and escape if you felt the tremendous pressures we do right now LOL

We really dont have time or energy for a social life [ie concerts- and i dont have the energy for it either] or even the movie theater these days and enjoy just being able to lounge around at home on weekends rather than going out these days- at least I DO!

ready to kill this woman. is she loony or what?

2008-10-21T17:45:00.001-04:00

someone please hold me BACK before i go insane and explode on this woman.

i think i am going to scream if she ASKS us the same stupid questions we've already answered again. she has Asked these questions in every time we have met with her. count them - three f***ing times. what the F--k is her problem??

we only spoke with her a week ago via telephone. every question she asked in this email or stated, we have already answered thru the phone.

may i add i have sent clear concise emails in past with details of what i want and do not want.

thank god for my fiance who wrote me something supportive and soothing. im glad he wrote what he did to me because if he had just forwarded her email without saying anything to keep me from stressing out, i would have lost it. this woman is making me lose my cool, and fast.

the comforting thing is that jimmy is experiencing it firsthand with me and validates my feelings by acknowledging feeling the same feelings and frustration. it's so much better when the other supports how you feel and gets 'it' because then you avoid the plaguing and overbearing feeling that kills, that feeling of feeling 'alone' in the world.

he doesn't often commisserate with my feelings because i am way more emotional than him and we are built differently. i am sensitive. he is covered with walls, that he prob formed at a young age to make everyone think he is strong and to keep himself from ever being truly hurt. somex i envy him but it is not my nature and i can never be like him.

we are different people.

the key to contentment is acceptance and finding a way to fit together even when inner natures can be so vastly different. it is merely the difference between a man and a woman.

i think maybe this is common ground experienced and explored and most felt by women.

we are feeling creatures and i wouldn't have it any other way.

morning email exchange forwarded to me by my fiance this afternoon:

Subj:Fw: your 11/28/08 wedding
Date:10/21/2008 10:14:50 AM Eastern Daylight Time

Hi, babe. I'm just forwarding this to you so we can go over it together tonight. You'll also have to give your Mom a heads up on the 50% deposit. We'll need to work our order down to get it to where your Mom is comfortable with it.

Looks like Laurie still doesn't know what is going on and is going to make it as difficult as she can for us. I'm going to write her to say that we can't make a 6:00 pm appointment, so we'll either have to do something later on a weekday or on a weekend. If the florist can't make arrangements around our schedule, then too bad. I can't really take off work anytime between now and the middle of November, and I think your Mom needs to be there with us. If she can't drive to meet us at Publix, then we'd have to make it on the weekend.

Anyway, don't let Laurie stress you out. She is making it more difficult than it needs to be and we just have to get through one more appointment with her.

Have a good day and I'll see you in a few hours.

Love,
Jimmy

Forwarded Message ----
From: Events0754
To: Jimmy
Sent: Tuesday, October 21, 2008 9:47:26 AM
Subject: your 11/28/08 wedding

Yesterday, I met with our florist to review your order and make sure we are capturing everything and to get her professional opinion about the entire feel of the wedding. We do have a few questions.

The Wedding

1. For the Pew markers - have you already purchased the tulle?
2. We can now get lucky bamboos (its green and curls at the top) and it is very Asian. Do you know what that is? We can incorporate a few stalks in your altar arrangements and then use it in reception room, to carry your theme from the wedding to the reception.

The Reception

3. For the guestbook table - the butterfly arrangement - do you want the vase crystals to be light blue like in the photo or do you want it to be one of the colors you are using in the orchids?
4. For above, do you want the butterflies to be light blue and purple or do you want them to be multi-colored to coordinate with the yellow, oranges, greens and reds we are using for the blooms to float in the vases? We can make the butterflies most any color you want
5. Do you have access to a fax machine? I have found to other possible ideas for the head table but they are from magazines and so I can only fax them to you.
6. Since we are doing so many things that are not from our books, I want to set up another appointment and have our florist be present. Although she only works 8-5, she is willing to come back in for a 6pm meeting with you two, but it will have to be a weekday. I have 3 slots that we can do hopefully you can do one of them: Tue 10/28 6pm, Wed 10/29 6pm or Mon 11/10 6pm. Please let me know which one works best with your schedules.
7. Just a reminder that on Tue 10/28, you will need to fulfill your 50% deposit and since we don't know exactly the final total, I think a $400 deposit will be sufficient.

I look forward to hearing from you soon! We are just 6 weeks away!

Take care
Laurie

++

Subj: Re: your 11/28/08 wedding
Date: 10/21/2008 10:45:29 AM Eastern Daylight Time
From: Jimmy
To: Laurie at publix

Hi, Laurie. I'm going to go over your list of questions with April tonight and we'll get back to you in the next day or two. Regarding a follow-up appointment, we absolutely cannot make it for a 6:00 pm meeting during the week. I can't take off any time from work from now until mid-November. Also, April doesn't drive, so I'd have to pick her up and the earliest we'd be able to make it would be 6:30 pm or 7:00 pm depending on traffic. We'd also like her mother to be there with us again as she is the one paying for it and we don't want to order what we can't afford. I think she was OK with the $500 or so that was first quoted before the changes and adding the arrangements, but $800 is going to be too much so we'll have to scale things down a bit and eliminate where we can. We'd also probably have to pick her up in Clearwater if she is going to be there with us, which would effectively rule out any weeknight meetings. We'll have to check with her and get back to you on dates and times that work.

To answer your question about the tulle, we have bought one roll that we brought in to show you last time, but need to know if it is wide enough (5" or 6"?) or what the desired width would be and if wired tulle is OK. I know you said we'd need at least 30 yards and we definitely would like to purchase it ourselves. We may even be able to purchase butterflies, lucky bamboo, or anything else we can add to arrangements in order to bring the cost down a bit. We really need to do whatever we can to economize and still be beautiful without looking cheap.

I have access to a fax machine here at work and the number is (813) ----. If you are faxing anything, you'll have to include a cover sheet with my name on it so it doesn't get mixed up with anything.

You'll be hearing from us soon. If there are any other dates and times that would better fit into our schedules, please let us know. We'd really like to get this all squared away sooner than later so we have one less thing to worry about.

Thanks,
Jimmy

EDIT

my fiance has communicated with nutcake laurie who is further frustrating all and sent me more wedding info in regard to what she said and current details we need to attend to next in regard to delectables our caterer and contending with possibly hundreds more than originally quoted.

wtf?

annoying.

fiance has offered to pay for any overspill of this. i think he knows my mom is way in debt already with this and knows he has to pitch in.

here is what he said/ emailed me and here is a copy of the PDF details and pricing sent by delectables, includes breakdown of food and service provided and what comes with paid service and what each charge is for.

just updating to add this here:

Alma [my mom] and April,

Here is the proposal from Delectables if we have 60 people (PDF attachment). As of now, there are only 36 (including the DJ, photographer, and officiant) from the responses we've received, so it may be closer to the original quote they gave us unless we get a bunch of RSVPs this week. I counted a little more than 60 with all of the people that I thought were coming, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Alma, if the final count is higher than originally anticipated, I can try to pay you back somehow since most of the guests will be from my side. I don't remember exactly what the original quote was, but this one appears to be $200 or so higher from what I recall. We still have to check on the chair covers, which will probably be $200 or more, so I'll take care of that. We'll also see what we can do to get the flowers down to something more reasonable. Laurie at Publix wrote me back and said that Nov. 9th is better for their florist, so I guess we'll just stick with that date if you can make it there with us at 3:00pm. Hopefully, you can request that date off work or swap a shift with someone.

April, they need to know the color of napkins we'd like to use. I just called Marilyn and she said the options for our color scheme would be ivory, lavender, purple or deep purple. She doesn't have an exact match for Victorian lilac, but the lavender would be a lighter purple and might look nice if you didn't want ivory or something darker. I was just going to tell her we'd go with ivory, but I wanted to see what you wanted before writing her back.

Well, only one more hour of work. See you in a little while.

Love,

Jimmy

Delectables Catering contract for our wedding:

Event #: 4866 Prepared By: Marilyn
Event Date: Friday, November 28, 2008

Guest Count: 60

Occasion: Wedding Reception

Service Style: Buffet with China & Linens
Venue: White Chapel of Palm Harbor
Palm Harbor, FL 34683
Times : 7:00 PM Event Start

Trademark Buffet

Appetizers-

Stationary Hors D' Oeuvres
International Cheese Presentation w/ Gourmet Crackers
Garden Vegetable Cruditès served with Peppered Artichoke Dip
House Salad Buffet with Two Homemade Dressings

Chef's Choice Fresh Steamed Vegetables for Buffet
Assorted Dinner Rolls with Creamy Butter
Mashed Potatoes w/ White Peppecorn Gravy
garlic

Entree-

Camembert Chicken 4oz.
Herb Roasted Châteaubriand au Jus s/w Peppercorn Sce and Horserad.Chantilly

Beverages-

Freshly Brewed Coffee with Cream and Sugar

Menu Selection(s):
Trademark Buffet 60 @ $22.10 $1,326.00
Menu Total: $1,326.00

Venue to provide
Beverage Selection(s):

Price includes all china, standard linens and flatware

Tablecloth color - Ivory, Napkin color - ?
Accents Ivory and Victorian Lilac
Client to provide own cake, cake cutting fee waived
Champagne Glasses- Flutes 50 @ $0.50 $25.00
China, Flatware, and Standard Linens for Buffet 50 @ $0.00 $0.00
Miscellaneous Subtotal: $25.00

Staffing:

Servers 3 $285.00
Supervisor 1 $135.00
Staffing Subtotal: $420.00

Event Subtotal: $1,771.00

+++

10.00 % Gratuity: $177.10

Subtotal: $1,948.10

7.00 % Florida Sales Tax: $123.97

Event Subtotal: $2,072.07

Payments Received: ($500.00)

Event Total: $1,572.07

Deposit Amount: $500.00

Final Balance Due: 6 day(s) prior to event date.

Print Date: 10/21/2008

PS

I will write more later, right now fiance on way home and too much wedding stuff we need to tackle this evening as soon as he arrives home in next half hour. i am so far behind in updating here at this point.

divine sweets + shades of purple.

2008-10-21T15:20:00.001-04:00

We decided last nite that we WILL do the personalized M&M's idea that I suggested after I forwarded the link to my fiance and we spent several hours working on customizing, figuring out how many we needed and placing our order online.

To tie in with our wedding themed colors, we had a mix of light and dark purples and creme. We only got a handful of the personalized m & m's and then remaining M&M's are in the same colors but unpersonalized. We had to do it this way so we could fill up the tins fully without spending a fortune. It would have been close to 150 bucks if we did all personalized and we are only in the stages of estimating how many guests [approx 60] even though most have not replied yet.

In mixing it up, we ended up spending closer to 90 bucks. it wasn't going to get any cheaper than this and we became rather attached to the idea after filling in our names and our message on the website and seeing how pretty and unique it looks. You're not going to find a better idea than that in my opinion so we went with it.

So, we ended up getting 3 custom 7 oz. bags in purple with our words/names on those AND then: 3 unpersonalized bags in the colors of dark purple, 3 unpersonalized bags in color light purple and last set of unpersonalized 3 in creme.

Half of personalized m & m's will say April & Jimmy and other half will contain a message we both thought of together: "Now & Forever"

I am so excited - can't wait to surprise the guests and hope they think it is as beautiful as we do :)

M&M's® - Customized Chocolate Candy Wedding Favors And Gifts

The purple color looked more like lavender on the site but then we clicked on another section with the colors and it looked like deeper purple so it may be darker but i believe it will still match as was evident when his mom threw our wedding shower and it was an array of light and dark purples that really complemented each other quite nicely and added more life to the whole look.

A beautiful warming gift that my mother put on top of our gifts was a wreath made of fake flowers in the most beautiful arrays of purples, light and dark, also showcased how beautiful all ranges in the purple family go together. Her wreath was one that every one was in awe of and won the hearts of many women there, they couldn't stop talking about, its vivid beauty was apparent. it was especially touching since it looked like she had chosen it based on her own taste and knowing our wedding colors and it was not on our bridal registry so it was a spontaneous unique gift that touched my heart.

More on shower gifts and actual pictures of this wreath, all we got, and the people who attended with further commentary in a future entry.

+++

The Wreath after we hung it up in our 2nd bedroom which we use as my office for book business and personal usage. it's more mine than jimmy's since my computer is in here, a little tv and half of my clothing wardrobe, cds and such. this is where i go if he is watching a game and i am bored and want to watch tv elsewhere or want to just write, surf net, listen to online music etc.

trying to figure out candy favor for wedding thru trial & error.

2008-10-21T05:48:00.001-04:00

Over the weekend, we stopped at Michael's arts + crafts prior and got some heart silver tins for the candy favors for the wedding. We have to decide where we want to get the candy by bulk soon. We looked at a candy shop in university mall but i was not that impressed and would rather go thru M & M's website or some more commercialized inexpensive brand of candy with a decent reputation that is professional and accustomed to catering towards special occasions and can be ordered in bulk.

I thought of M & M's because over the past year or more I have seen repeated commercials that they specialize in personalized m and m's for all occasions and you can choose what words will be on the candy. We could do something tied to our wedding and/or names with a catchy phrase.

I just feel like I'd rather NOT use a candy company that doesn't look that good or fresh, which is what I felt I saw at this little low-end candy shop in the mall called Davant Sweet Shop. I've never heard of this shop in my life but aside from something super expensive like Godiva, it was the only one listed in the malls located to us in close proximity and it was Jimmy's idea to check it out. I had my doubts prior to going which were confirmed when we got there.

He of course was reluctant to admit how this would not be a good choice and seemed to ignore my attempts to comment on the fact that the candy didn't look all that good and would NOT be appropriate for use in our wedding.

Who knows how long it was sitting, it appeared to be in clear bins which didn't look all that appealing and the place was teaming with kids and teens getting scoops of candy. Uhh. I don't think so!!

Later in the weekend, Jimmy admitted he didn't think the candy was all that good. Him being like a big kid himself [he is the most sweet tooth person I know and I am not so much.] got a handful of goodies for himself to try in a baggie along with a few jordan almond candies which is typically used for wedding candy favors. We also got some turtles [my fave ever] from behind the glass counter for the two of us. I thought the turtles were ok, but honestly felt the grocery store brand of DeMett's turtles that I have bought a million times for myself- it being my personal favorite- was WAY better in quality of chocolate, caramel and nuts.

Jimmy later admitted he didn't think the turtles were all that great. Funny how he defended the store when I retaliated against it at the beginning. LOL He never likes to admit when I am right and is always resistant when I shoot down something. :D

my little lambie + vintage glam.

2008-10-21T04:17:00.000-04:00

Earlier in the past week, Jimmy and I took a trip to bath and body works for some fall specials and because shopping there is one of our favorite things to do several times a year. we both love scents and body products. and I got him hooked on their products sometime last year. haha. We also took a trip there to check out possible wedding party gifts for our bridesmaids since the wedding is fast approaching and we have not fulfilled that part of our wedding to do list!

This is just a short introduction to what is a cute picture entry that illustrates our trip there and what we got. I added commentary to each picture underneath. We had much fun.

I also found the most fabulous necklace prior to this at macy's during the same evening and was so thrilled as I've been looking for the perfect vintage necklace made with good quality for over a year now.

See pix below :)

Bath and Body Works shopping

Autumn Ad Campaign for new aromatherapy Black Chamomile Line by Bath & Body Works

Lambie!

I got this lamb free with fifteen dollar purchase, its so soft and fleece like. jimmy got two free for spending double. one is his, and the other we got for alexcia [its white with brown ears]

Above is a photo of my Lambie, its grey [with black] it reminded me of noelle [my cat] a bit so that's why i thought it was the most adorable in color! ive been sleeping with it everynite, it has helped me the last three nites sleep right away and soundly. its prob not just the lamb that helped me sleep, its prob because we have been doing so much and i have been up late so its easy to fall asleep but i think the comfort of holding something fuzzy psychologically helps relax me so its helping tho i dont expect it to last.

Below is jimmy's lambie which is black and would barely photograph in this picture and the one that is white is the one we will give alexcia next time we see her to surprise her and make her happy!

^ above: we got these two small oriental style bags, which have a mini set of stress relief aromatherapy in it. it is some of their best stuff at bath and body works. it will be part of the bridesmaids gift [we will probably get a nice scented candle for each of them in addition at bath and body works next time we shop or a gift from sephora]

we got these two candles for autumn- the matching bath and body scent to my lotion-the pink one is their fig and brown sugar scent, its warm pretty but not too overpowering. sweet. the second is their aromatherapy candle in stress relief [eucalyptus] which ive bought several times and is a classic scent. we used it the nite we got it but my allergies were bothering me so it was only lit for a few hrs, i could barely handle even an hr. it was a little overpowering and bothered my nose/chest a bit.

the main bath and body works products we bought for shower/body:

with the purchases i bought, i had a coupon for one free item up to 13 dollars, so i got this below, its aromatherapy roll on for wrist to encourage sleep and relaxation- with lavender like all the other products by them in that line that i have at home already. havent tried it yet. i have tried something like this by them yrs ago. the idea is interesting but it has yet to really work. i think my inability to sleep is tied to being overstimulated and contending with feelings of mania. so aside from high powered psychiatric drugs, not much is going to be effective for me!!

^above is a new sugar scrub in lavender chamomile that i got to try, its in bath and body works aromatherapy line. in general, i've heard sugar scrubs or brown sugar scrubs make the skin super soft [hopefully i dont have an allergic reaction though since a lot of things make me itchy] and it seems to be the trend in a lot of high designer brands at sephora and all fashion magazines.

the free purchase i chose. from aromatherapy sleep line.

and, jimmy got the black chamomile body wash pictured in first pic with bath and body products summary of what we bought there. jimmy's new body wash is their newest scent this autumn and is supposedly a limited edition scent. it is unisex [i almost bought it cos the lady put the scented lotion of this on both our hands and i kept smelling it and thinking it smelled really good. maybe i might try some of his shower wash of this one of these days. the scent is black chamomile and supposed to detoxify the body or something.

+++

Vintage necklace by Betsey Johnson, found at Macy's

Since all my designer necklaces have broken in the past year I really am always looking for an antique retro glamorous type style [like 50's glam] necklace that can go with everything. i particularly like silver or tarnished silver antique styles with rhinestone or onyx stones..so i was thrilled when I found this one below which is one of the most unique/artsy designers in fashion and since Ive never been able to buy anything by her, I had to get this. It was 40 dollars but one time when allister and i looked at international mall in her boutique, just her clothes alone were hundreds of dollars a piece. she is an expensive fashion designer that specializes in the retro glam look, probably inspired by the 50's - vintage looks.

it's like a clear pendant with rhinestones all over it with a star shaped pendant above that is covered in tiny rhinestones, its got a double strand style necklace so the star hangs on a separate strand above larger tear shaped pendant, and it hangs long, to about the opening of a v-neck shirt. i took a few pix during wkend of me wearing it, so u might get an idea from those and will post them another time :)

below are pix i took of the necklace on the gift box that macy's gave with the necklace:

Excuse me for multiple pix of necklace. but because of how the stones refract light, i had a hard time capturing it on film. i did use macro and it was night time so i don't know if those were factors going against me. this was the best i could do!

I posted several views of necklace as many were different views and i am a bit neurotic. Haha.

I was obsessed with capturing necklace in clarity. I am satisfied with the fact that I did the best I could :)

staring at the sun [a sunny sunday + pix]

2008-10-21T02:55:00.000-04:00

Sunday:

Started the day by waking up around noon. Jimmy was still asleep hilariously as this is ABnormal for someone like him who rises early everyday even on his day off. He is typically up at 9am and I am generally lucky if I can wake up by 12 noon Haha. Not a morning person at all which grates on his / and his parents nerves when we visit them. I have always been a night person so sorry if they don't get it but that is my nature. I think he finally accepts me as I am and his parents have given up, but every now and then they take a jab at me, inserting that I have a problem with being up all nite and showing clear displeasure and disregard to how their insults make me feel. I usually change the subject or just say YEP with a little sarcastic laugh. I refuse to react to them OR explain myself- I don't need to define my reasons for anything. They already know why I am the way I am but fail to understand. That is not my problem. It is theirs and I don't have time to be bothered by their judgements. Could really care less if they love me or not - anyway- but of course it would be nice if they liked me just a little bit and said something that made me feel like I was good enough for their son and that centered on praise rather than criticism.

Anyway, I digress...

So we got the sunday paper which I recently got him into the routine of getting in order to get the Michael's sunday paper coupons to use towards our wedding and to cut out grocery coupons so we could save money. It amazes me that he never did this prior to me ever or used coupons. I grew up with parents or rather a mother who did this all the time and raised me to do the same as a grown up.

In my first marriage all we did was live for saving money and using coupons as much as possible where as Jimmy kind of didn't want to be bothered by the hassle because he has always made enough money to live comfortably and personally I just don't feel he has any idea what its like to struggle financially or to even be so poor you don't have enough food or are starving. Anyway, after gathering coupons and deciding which ones we wanted to use that day, we made a rough list of what we needed to buy at the store.

This was a day of chores- spent it vaccuming the whole living room and main area of apartment which was a job in itself since things are tight and it's become cluttered and disorganized as of late due to being so busy and mentally overwhelmed with so much wedding planning And other ongoing things.

I then took a shower, put some minimal makeup on and got dressed as we had to take a much needed trip to the grocery store to stock up on food and such for the week.

I have decided that on weekends even if its just chores or errands running around, i will from now on make the exerted effort to try to dress nicely, wear makeup and look nice because I want to try to break out of the rut Ive been in for the last few yrs and the last few times I attempted to do this - inc. past weekend- I have found that it greatly improves my self confidence and makes me feel a lot happier within myself.

I gather he thinks its silly...to dress up, put makeup or look nice just to go grocery shopping because he kind of made a remark like - why was i wearing makeup and taking pix just to shop at publix? he doesn't entirely get my line of thinking.

I feel like if you allow yourself to stop trying and you accept that you are in a rut but do not do anything to change it, that you make the choice to remain miserable and stagnant. I am not doing it as much for him as I am for myself.

Someone has to uplift me and I realize it isn't dependent entirely on him although it would be nice if he would make more of an effort. I take responsibility for making myself feel better about me, by changing the way Ive let myself go and swapping my old attitude out for a new one. Its odd how fall this year is feeling a lot like spring - in that I feel more positive, like I am shedding some of negative and becoming renewed by starting over again, feeling reborn.

I think its partially the impending marriage and the symbolic meaning underneath it all for me, but something in this makes me feel like the way spring feels. when the old dies and begins to grow anew after a cycle of cold mourning and death. renewal and rebirth.

I feel I am going thru something very transformational and significant.

Sunday shopping at Publix

We did our usual weekly shopping at our local grocery store which we've been going to for about two yrs now. This is a place we often go to and the main grocery store we choose to shop at. everything else is far or in unfavorable areas. I know its a sort of unexciting photo, but it was such a lovely day and felt like autumn in the air, that i couldn't resist getting a few pictures.

I know I may be strange, but I like having pix of the area I lived in so that in the future I can look back and remember what I was doing, where I was at and what period of my life I was in.

I realize in the two yrs Ive lived in this city, I have very little of pix of "my area" whereas when I lived in my parents city and in chicago, I had numerous pix in the areas I frequented and I find that now when I see that I have these, and look back on it, I am so grateful for those memories. recorded forever.

No matter how trivial or cliche, boring, plain it may seem to others, it isn't to me. I have a mind that easily flashes back to memories and it is triggered by a number of ways related to senses. It is most triggered aurally and visually for me.

My memories are heavily marked and preserved by way of visuals, sounds, smells, things connected to the senses. This is probably why I am so sentimental and nostalgic in personality. It's just the way I have always been and the way my mind and heart works and it is one of my favorite things about myself. I cherish this.

[I have often been told that I have a photographic memory. Over the years due to trauma/abuse/emotional distress, I believe that my perfect memory has suffered some and I find sometimes grasping for things I used to know or remember so well, but for the most part, I have the most vivid precise detailed memory of anyone I know or anyone I have encountered and I am often complimented for this by others because they notice it also.]

The sun was too bright, it was really glaring in my eyes which is why in most pix I either was turned away or squinting to see like crazy.

(end)

from start to finish, the day had its moments.

2008-10-21T02:25:00.001-04:00

[from past weekend: our saturday with current pix of us included in entry]

Sandals Voucher for Jamaica + upcoming Honeymoon

Jimmy got the voucher in the mail saturday as he finished paying the final balance for the trip, I think, a few pix to document this :D

Saturday before leaving apt and at University Mall:

University Mall Courtyard- This is us sitting at a table, after a visit to candy shop to check out Davant Sweets-

Starbuck's Break

Jimmy hated this picture as I took it when he wasn't expecting it and he looked annoyed. He always gets testy when we are at the mall and he is in a hurry to finish things while I'd like to enjoy my time there since we hardly ever go and I see no reason for being so crabby. Its the weekend and we rarely go out, I was trying to have fun!

I got this coffee cup at starbuck's because it was not that expensive and I had admired it the previous time we were there and really wanted it since it was so pretty. I rarely drink coffee but drink green tea, chai tea, or cocoa on occasion during the colder months so I thought it would be perfect.

Plus Ive never had my own personal coffee cup so I thought it would be nice for those rare occasions. I really loved the floral print and colors especially paired with the lovely pale aqua blue inside the inner rim of cup and mixed in with red floral print- that is what I was drawn to. I am a very visually stimulated person.

Btw I had my usual at starbuck's - a grande iced caramel macchiato [spelling?] with extra caramel. they put a little too much caramel and i couldn't get the drink to come out of the straw. of course because i am a klutz, i accidentally spilled coffee on my jeans and the rest of shopping trip, all I could smell was coffee lingering from my body. That annoyed me, I don't like that smell of coffee if you spill it all over something on you.

Luckily i was able to wipe it up good and we did all of our laundry last nite [we did it in the middle of the nite so we ended up being up pretty late, watched SNL in between loads and waiting for everything to be done. by the time we went to bed we were exhausted. i fell asleep right away]

Tux Fitting at Men's Wearhouse for Jimmy

I was sitting in the back of the dressing room while the young alteration girl had my Jimmy try on his tux for our wedding. I'd have taken a picture of them but then that would have embarrassed him, so instead while he was busy in the fitting room and the salesgirl went in the back, I took a quickie picture of myself sitting there in front of the 3-way mirror to capture the moment and memory plus I was mesmerized by the way the mirror reflected so many angles .

Not to sound vain or anything, but I admired my own outfit, while passing time. This mirror made me look better than the one at home and it looked like I definitely lost weight so that made me feel happy as the past year or two Ive felt pretty down about my heaviness. I was wearing some black skinny jeans which I got last year and couldn't even wear because a few months ago, they wouldn't have even fit.

If I sound obsessed over my weight, its because I've felt stuck in a rut for 2 yrs now and it makes me happy to be able to wear clothes that were too small not long ago. It also motivates me to keep myself in check so that I don't gain that weight back. I haven't felt very positive about myself in a long time and it feels good that I can feel this way now but I'm still hesitant, because I'm afraid that if I feel truly happy, I will end up back in that rut again, heavy.

It's blurry but somehow I still like it. I think I might actually look thin and if it seems like I am stuck on that. If I seem fixated on this and surprised, it is because I never thought I'd feel good about myself again and it just seems like some kind of miracle. I did still weigh 101 pounds when I last checked. I was around 107 over a month ago.

I still would like to lose some more weight but I am satisfied with the weight I am right now, if that isn't possible. I feel much better with myself at 101 than 107. Before I actually would have times where I'd get very sad over it and feel so awful inside over it. Depressed.and Hopeless.

These pix serve as a reminder to myself to keep striving to eat healthier and take better care of myself. I am going to try my best.

After alterations, we stopped at michael's arts and crafts for some wedding favors geared towards candy, the tins to hold them and then had dinner at Chili's before heading home. He watched his game he was anxious over missing of course and I spent some time organizing, cleaning and writing.

I took this picture on our way home while in the car. This is where we live near. We live in a college town. It was very overcast much of the day although both yesterday and today felt like fall was in the air and looked brighter than this at different parts of the day and felt quite breezy with right amount of sun/warmth.

That made me pretty happy, the feeling of fall, although you cannot tell by the looks of it.

Florida doesn't really show 'seasonal change' like other states do, it is tropical after all. :)

Saturday evening we spent doing laundry and watching the latest Saturday Night Live episode which had the most hilarious rap by Amy Poehler with other members of cast.

I loved the eskimos rapping alongside Amy and the cheesy portrayal of todd palin in snowsuit with that funny looking shaped goatee. fucking hilarious. LOL

We loved it so much we rewinded and watched it a second time and are keeping it to record to a vhs tape hehe

Here's the clip that appeared on a fox show. they tend to be slanted in their beliefs there and are known to be very conservative right wing but it was the only clip I could find of the actual rap skit. I didn't really listen to what the hosts of that show said on this video as i just fast forwarded to make sure the SNL rap skit was covered in it! For those interested and who love a good laugh, take a peek :D

they no longer allow embedding so here is the link which allows u to play the SNL snippet:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6ya39slPgs

PS sarah palin is annoying. they rave about how great palin was and how she knows how to have fun. i still think palin is tacky and do not agree with their thoughts at all. i think she looked like she was 'pretending' to be hip but she is so far from that, its not even funny.

mapping out things + making the most of friday.

2008-10-21T01:40:00.001-04:00

Friday night instead of going out, or doing anything of leisure, we stayed in and got to work on several things that needed to be tackled in regard to our wedding which is now just right around the corner and we are both feeling the pressure of running out of time to conquer everything in time without forgetting something or screwing up due to so much on our plates.

So, Jimmy spent much of our friday nite doing spreadsheets of guests [since he has the program on his laptop and i am not familiar with how to do a spreadsheet or work that program- excel and he does it for a living at work..]

Anyway, I put together a list of those we had sent invites to for the wedding, compiling his and mine together and then gave him the envelope that we had been carefully placing all our replies from as of late. Btw so far most of the people seem to be opting out of coming which we expected since most of our invites are out of state to IL and most people would not go out of their way to travel here for us, especially on a thanksgiving wkend- in fact several people on both sides of our families have complained about the timing of the wedding being on a busy and expensive holiday.

In all honesty, I didn't want my wedding around a holiday much less thanksgiving [being around so many FOOTBALL games + such since i abhor that sport and do not want it interfering with my wedding/honeymoon or yearly anniversary with him] It was Jimmy that was insistent on choosing this date however as he just had to have it his way. and he claimed he needed to structure the date around his work and when he would have time off. This never made sense to me since he works a 9-5 job monday thru friday and always has weekends off. He was just being well - Jimmy- rigid and it was his way or no way. He suggested two other dates in december, but both of them were on my mother and brother's bdays and I felt that really tacky and inappropriate. Plus I did not want a DEC wedding, I wanted a wedding in the month I was born which is November. That is my favorite month- but he would only agree to thanksgiving weekend so I was stuck with doing what he wanted in the end.

I believe he could have been more flexible but Jimmy is stubborn at times and he kind of made it like either we had it when he wanted to or it might not happen. In fact, it was me who kind of put an ultimatum last fall, either he was going to make a serious commitment and show me that the relationship was headiing in a forward direction [engagement and marriage] or I didn't know if I could continue this way or stay in the relationship.

I was on the verge of turning 36 last year when I said this and I told him, Look, I am not young [neither is he, he is almost a year older than me actually] and we don't have time- or rather I do not have time to play around or play games and I wouldn't have it.

There is a certain point where you decide to settle down and if you don't intend to do so, then you do not get into a serious relationship with someone, live with them or do things that suggest a future commitment of permanence. I didn't plan on waiting forever as I refused to marry after I was forty. Not just that but what if I actually want a child [which I do, one], I knew he would not even consider having a baby with me IF we were still unmarried and I know I do not want to get pregnant after 40, because I refuse to put my life in danger, risk chance of child being retarded, and EVEN MORE, refuse to raise a child and then never get to see the child grow up because I had my baby at such a late stage in my life.

Anyway life is way different since I gave that ultimatum and we had some serious relationship talks and intense fighting, mostly me screaming, demanding, and crying-- its been over a year since all that occurred and so its all blown over and seems like a distant memory now- an unpleasant one.

He has changed a lot in the way that he views me and this relationship. He has embraced the role of making this commitment and in small steps all along the past year has gradually shown this by growing thru many tough times with me and by learning how to integrate a life with another, realizing what is important in life and that he is willing to sacrifice some things in order to join our lives together.

I feel he was very resistant in the beginning due to fear and truthfully I believe it was largely over the fact that he didn't want to truly grow up or have the responsiblity of a wife and marriage. I think he has gotten past this and realized there is a time to grow up and there is a time to settle down and that you can't spend your entire life partying and running away from anything that could be permanent. otherwise you grow old and alone.

There is still a lot he has to learn about partnership, compromise, sharing and priorities when you marry someone and make them your wife but I guess it's a work in progress and he never really had a serious relationship or one that was compromised of living together or being engaged prior to me and because he is a late bloomer, it just seems he is slow at things that concern relationships and he doesn't always understand or see things my way. We've gone thru some major ups and downs since living together and I'm happy to say that currently everything is going well.

So back to what we did on Friday..Jimmy also made a sort of graph spreadsheet of all the people potentially invited to the wedding, colored in the ones who have sent their response saying they will be there, and then made a sort of circle graph of how the tables for the guests, food table, cake table, guestbk table, dj table and the like will be layed out in the room. He then started compiling a roughdraft of how people will be seated and who will be at which table, together etc. He did that for hrs upon hrs. It is still in the roughdraft stage, though.

This week we will have to work on filling out and sending thank you cards to everyone for bridal shower gifts but just never found time to do it during this past wkend. We found some really cute ones at Target, last week. I took pix of it for my memories and cause I am documenting everything connected to this wedding!

Thank You Cards we bought at Target for bridal shower guests- we thought the illustration and color was pretty and I am obsessed with butterflies in art illustration or anything associated with them so I was very happy to choose these :)

More about the rest of weekend tomorrow as Ive run out of time and must sleep for now- our entire weekend was filled from start to finish and i haven't caught up with all the latest or been able to finish catching up on notes yet. will work on this more tomorrow when i am more alert and full of energy. :)

nutty + ironic.

2008-10-21T00:18:00.001-04:00

Laurie the NUTcase florist [AKA Trainwreck!]

Tuesday we had a phone appt with Laurie the florist and it was a total nightmare. she went thru everything all over again and we both had to take turns putting our ear near the phone as she wanted to talk to both of us and we do not have a speaker phone so it was annoying and she was very stressful. we felt like we wished we had used her coworker instead of her cos she is a MESS.

It's too complicated to go into everything all over again but she makes things as confusing as it can possibly be, when it should be very cut and dry, simple. but not with Laurie, nothing is simple when it comes to working with her! HA!

So, we couldnt really get anything accomplished and she decided after we'd wasted our time on the phone, at least half an hour or more, that we need one more meeting in person with her to finalize the final ideas - it just seems she is unable to finalize with what we've already given her. I felt pretty sure it was obvious we were final with all we'd discussed in person with her but she makes it where it's never final and you have to have more appts with her. I get the feeling that her core personality is compromised of self-doubt, second guessing everything, taking the most simple things and making it complicated, indecisiveness, inability to make final decisions, and fear of failure.

This is certainly NOT a good mix for someone who is in charge of something that is a big part of someone's wedding day and it is making us increasingly nervous that she is going to screw up and the more we interact with her, the more we are convinced that we made the wrong choice when we chose her to handle our floral affairs. I mean for god's sake, choosing flowers and nailing down the proposed plan for our wedding day shouldn't be this hard or stressful and it certainly shouldn't be us that is feeling the brunt of this stress.

We are paying her and her function in this is to arrange everything and organize it in a fashion that is clear, concise and without confusion. In my first wedding, we hired a florist by the same company [publix floral dept] and after our first meeting, the lady had a package of what would be included in our wedding and what we could expect and after that we never had to meet with her again or make any elaborate decisions. She did her job. We simply told her what we wanted and made the payment. I cannot understand why this woman is making everything so complicated. It is driving us insane.

Jimmy was rolling his eyes thru the whole phonecall and we both felt headachey after talking to her and drained! She really is something else. During this phonecall, I couldn't resist the urge to jump up and get Laurie's florist card off the dining room table and promptly shoving it to Jimmy's face while silently laughing. This is an inside joke that I made up with Jimmy. I find it SO hilarious that what is advertised on her business card is the complete opposite of what we are getting out of her services, in a sarcastic way.

*Every time I see this, I want to die laughing. It couldn't be further from the truth. The irony in this is laughable.

So...Laurie also threw out two new ideas she saw with some other wedding they did recently and wanted to know if we wanted it for our wedding party table as the special arrangement but I had not one clue what she was talking about and so she said she'd send us a picture via email.

When searching for floating candles on the web, I came across this picture which sort of sounded like what she was trying to illustrate to us in words, imagine something like this, narrow and thin cylindrical vase with orchids instead of what is actually pictured:

We heard from her a few days ago and are SO frustrated, not only did she not send the picture and tell us she is waiting for the bride from a recent wedding to send a picture to her email at work, BUT she also sent us with a new quote with a higher price. Several hundreds of dollars higher than her initial quote a few months back!!!

Apparently Laurie said she had been mistaken about the altar decorations she had quoted when we made our decision with her on the phone this past Tues. The two floral arrangements with a mix of gladiolas and same orchids with possibly pieces of bamboo and other greenery as well as the butterfly arrangement that would be used at the reception as a centerpiece on the guestbook table.

We have decided that we will need to bring my mom with to our next appt with her which will have to be in the next few wks if not next wkend because we need to get it straightened out so we can know what is going to be used in the wedding altar arrangements and reception centerpieces and have a REAL price quote that is set in stone and my mom knows more about flowers/arrangements and the like than the two of us do put together. Plus she is such a trainwreck, neither of us can seem to handle her exhaustive meetings. I've never met someone so scattered and disorganized in my life, especially when her job specializes in putting together wedding floral and cakes and the like. She is titled as an Event Organizer for god's sake!

Laurie is so all over the place, that it is nerve wracking. I am surprised she hasn't been fired yet. It seems like she is consistently indecisive and doubtful of herself/abilities and that she cannot handle the job. Its almost as if she gets consumed by details and loses focus. Kind of manic. Like me.

I am hoping that maybe my mom can think of an arrangement that fits our theme/style and find a way to make it cheaper [she is quoting the altar arrangements at 150 bucks, and the bows on aisles with floral as 150 bucks, we may change the aisle bows to just a few roses at the start of the pews in front if that saves everyone more money]

The total quote at this point is OVER 800 dollars for fucking flowers and we strived for a minimalist design. [the original quote was around 400-500 dollars a few months ago, I do not get how the price could have raised that much higher.]

We are now thinking that there will only be two arrangements at altar, a scatter of tulle or ribbon with a few flowers [roses], some loose orchid petals floating in eight floating candle dishes. These are not even arrangements or large reception pieces, just the bloom of the flower. In addition there will only be one average sized arrangement at wedding head table which is not a huge table, it is a round table that seats approximately eight people around it. Then of course there will be one final arrangement at the guest book/gift table.

The standard bouquets/buoutonnaires are far from the most expensive flowers and are also smaller than what the average wedding uses nowadays. I don't get it!! This Laurie is so frustrating and stressful. We feel frazzled with her.

After that phone call, all we felt like doing was relaxing and watching tv because we felt exhausted from talking with her and unmotivated to do anything that would resemble work or chores or doing more wedding goals on our list. sigh...

Floating Unscented Ivory Candles:

Michael's does NOT carry any ivory UNscented floating candles so we may be forced to buy it online at some unknown candle website because I don't know where else to look. Target didn't have any and so that is something I am still searching for.

But we did end up getting this- to cross of containters for candy favors at reception, off our wedding to do list-

(we will probably use this ribbon i placed on top of favors to embellish the candy favors)

Finalizing Party Favors for Reception at Wedding:

Also we ordered these silver or pewter style butterfly bookmarks as a thank you party favor to guests last nite. It will be shipped to my parents house, as mail is not safe or reliable in our opinion in this crappy apt complex. Its by a website called Serendipity:

architectural sensibilities + political ambitions-

2008-10-17T01:13:00.001-04:00

Both our fave project runway designer/contestant won this past wednesday. YAY!!!

This was great cos leanne really deserved it as she definitely possesses an aesthetic quality that is rare in artistry and her designs were often surreal, dreamlike abstract metaphorical ideas created out of fabric and with precise detail and symmetry. her talent is something to be admired and the kind i wish i certainly possessed. her mind was like that of a person who designs architecture. her clothing was in fact very structured like that of architecture so it was extremely mesmerizing and fascinating to watch her create. also despite her youthfulness, she had this otherworldliness maturity that was very enlightening yet she was able to embrace her inner child. playful innocence.

I felt that leanne was the most deserving of the title because she thinks in ways that only great artists do and its truly creative. also her humble personality, modesty, and down to earth persona is what i found so refreshing and attractive. people who are catty, stuck up, show off, and brag are not my cup of tea and have little patience for the likes of people who act that way. GOOD riddance kenley!!

Proj runway winner vs election

Elsewhere in entertainment, Leanne Marshall is the winner of Project Runway Season 5, but the final episode had some competition last night: "It was as if some force of evil was trying to keep me from watching the season finale of Project Runway," writes The Ride. "I was too through when I found out that the final Presidential Debate was scheduled at the same time on the same evening as my beloved show." If you chose to watch the debate, rest assured that Gawker both live-blogged the final episode of Project Runway AND did a wrap-up: "For me and many of you—you too, Joe the Plumber—the finale was a relief... finally this sad vessel of Saturn and spite has finally found port and won't trouble our waters any longer." It's easy to feel the same sense of relief that the election is almost over.

PS we chose to watch both the debate and project runway that evening. life is so much easier -harmonious- FULL- when you have brighthouse's DVD-R player. we would be SO lost without it. we've only had it for two yrs and I cannot believe how dependent we are on that- we would not be able to watch half the shit we do or take turns recording each others fave tv shows since we often have different tastes and what i love he hates and what he loves i despise LOL the joys of men and women finding balance in a relationship and learning to compromise when it comes to MAN's one most sacred territory- the television, remote control and dominating what we get to watch every nite. Oh he has come far - believe me but its taken a certain amount of abrasive fighting and training to make it to this point of harmony in our lives :)

getting flashed.

2008-10-16T18:16:00.000-04:00

Jimmy got his photo taken at a local baseball game by some tampa metro website so it was online, I thought I'd share that here. I did not go as I hate sports in general and still have been recovering from being in the ER for severe stomach trouble [triggered by stress] My fiance is a baseball fanatic and has spent the entire week recording/watching every four plus hr game on our main tv. JOY!

I don't mind as long as my shows that we mutually watch when a sport game isn't interfering - comes first and is crammed in BEFORE his game as he has trouble staying awake OFTEN after 10pm and likes to fall asleep when he finally gets to my most fave show. That is how it was in the past and there is nothing that irritates me more. We couldn't be more opposite since I can never get myself to fall asleep. I am a wired often hyper, on edge personality and he is soft, passive, fights to even have any energy or stay awake/alert. LOL

So, J was there this past sat. nite and i think it was the longest game in history, it was after 1am or almost 2am before it was over and he had left to go to it around 6pm.

My fiance ended up having to leave early and miss the rays win cos his friend B had to go home as he had to work early next day and we had our bridal shower although Jimmy would have prob stayed if B hadnt had to go home. He had to leave when the friend did because he left his car at B's house and went w/ him to the game so he couldnt stay unless he got a cab or something.

Anyway this is a pic off the site of my fiance with B. :) I think it came out nice and I felt proud to see he got 'flashed' as they say at metromix LOL

I know he wants us to move to St. Pete after we marry and before the new year, more than ever, because it just seems his st pete friends [even if we dont see them often] are the most reliable ones. [in other words longtime pal in tampa never calls and can never meet up with him and is flighty when he tries to make plans with him] B is one of our friends who will be attending our wedding.

Rays vs Red Sox- October 11, 2008

My fiance in Obama shirt with his friend at game.

still a thrill? i think so.

2008-10-15T01:30:00.002-04:00

i have to say that we thoroughly enjoyed the new christian slater spy intrigue show.

'my own worst enemy' almost has a sci-fi feel to it. and often i flashbacked to one of my favorite films when i was younger, La Femme Nikita [and maybe a bit like the professional but not exactly]

the new show also made me think of dean koontz, something about it made me think about one of my fave books by him from my teenage years- 'watchers' the one where the govt experiments with dogs by implanting a chip and controlling them - i think with intent for evil. can't remember exactly cos i read that nearly twenty yrs ago, i can't believe i just said that. time flies so fast, it somex seems unreal to me.

[huge christian slater/ heathers/ and i remember me and bros recording "gleaming the cube" off cable that skateboarding film before slater was known, a bit of a b-movie thriller which i loved for the longest time. thought so cool since it reminded me of people i hung around [skaters/new wave/ alternative] in high school and all my friends were into that one as well. another one i loved that was a cable movie that was on the bside, but is one of my all time fave films- and i'd like to get it one day LOL- i loved it. but have never been able to find it as it wasn't really popular 'billy jean" but i loved the premise of it, how the lead female character became a heroine and fought for justice, a modern take on joan of arc, or something like that?

honestly, not much of spy intrigue fan- notice a lot of ALIAS fans like it thus far. but never was an ALIAS fan but remember my dad being and think this show is right up my dad's alley since its one of his favorite genres.

i mean, when i was younger, i think i did watch and read more stuff like that was spy intrigue oriented cos i was very influenced by my dad's taste- i remember how obsessed he was with all the james bond films back in the day [still is] LOL

this show kinda had a sci-fi feel to it or could possibly be scifi related due to the experiment with brain and split personality plot of the show.

for most part, i am definitely not a huge sci-fi person but there are certain types of films i have liked [only a few] that were scifi like but more on the futuristic side- blade runner, lost city of children, 12 monkeys, the handmaid's tale ETC

..altho there was a film out not long ago and raved about- but i can't recall the name. anyone know? it is the futuristic one about saving the human race and how there is only one woman on earth who can bear a child to save the world and is fertile. i thought it was completely stupid and didn't get what was so great about that one. i thought it was So overrated and didnt get it!!!!! (OH it was Children of Men)

Sci-fi is hit or miss with me- not really into fantasy [renaissance oriented or otherwise] genre either. most of the time, i do not get it and think its hokey, fake, tacky. j's the same way, thank god.

i mean, some of the new slater show on first impression was a bit tacky but the genre IS what it is, and its not always realistic. it isn't the type of show we watch generally and this season we are not invested in any shows that fit this category so its a refreshing change and nice break from our typical tastes!

the first ten to twenty mins, we were uncertain if we could get into it but after that time had passed, it quickly began to accelerate - twist and turn with suspense and unexpected plot turns. that was one of strong points of the show. it kept you guessing and trying to figure it all out and at times it did surprise you in a satisfying way.

we found ourselves kind of mesmerized, on edge, waiting eagerly for next scene. sure bits and pieces were a little cheesy, i mean, that it looked unreal and wasn't believable but for a fictional show, its entertaining and worth watching. i also enjoyed slater's dialogue/ wit, sarcasm and sly humor inserted into the show and some of the dialogue that hinted at existentialism and deep philosophical ideas.

the best part were the twist and turns. the only complaint i think i had was it was a bit shocking in that it was heavy in violence and felt like something u might see on cable tv NOT primetime although i realize it was 10pm. i commented several times to my fiance [and he agreed] that it was quite violent considering it was on regular tv.

i feel shocked sometimes at how much is shown on tv these days, a lot of it i feel inappropriate and have very mixed feelings . not good for children or even young adults. but that's just how i feel. i think the world is filled with too much violence and i can see several reasons why. one of this being the way shows are now overthetop.

ten yrs ago it was not to this level of 'intensity'. this does disturb me and im sorry if thats taboo or old fashioned but i truly believe too much of anything is BAD and when you become lax with how much violence/sex is on prime time tv, that is when people began to become desensitized and the whole world falls apart because values are lost. this is sadly what i notice anymore. i sometimes wonder if everyone else around me just chooses to be blind. i don't talk of this often, cos its not a popular view and people do not want to hear the truth or realize the reality of things. ignorance can be bliss.

anyway...overall im pleased with monday's new cbs show 'my own worst enemy' and look forward to next wk's epsiode!

i've been looking for a good new show this season cos i am getting really bored of the same old reality type shows we tend to watch. i mean i enjoy most of the ones we watch and they are good 'forget about life and stress' distractions however i like variety and lately it just feels predictable, stagnant, and drab. i get bored easily and sometimes i just want something new to get excited about!

so , we were really pleased to discover this. my fiance is a huge baseball [and football- YUCK- there nothing i hate more than football in the ENTIRE world] fan so he's been watching his games every nite cos i guess its really important right now. i dont know, i could care less about sports, i usually go on my computer, surf net or write if he turns that on. sometimes i look at my magazines and do projects on the floor while he is watching depending on how i feel. ive been too tired lately to do much in terms of relaxing and hobbies.

we are behind on a lot of the shows we typically watch during the work week but all of them are on our dvd-r. so we watched the new christian slater debut last nite even though it aired/recorded on monday as he had taken the whole nite to watch his game. he took all last nite to watch as well but i was ok with that since i had things i wanted to do by myself in my office and so much other projects i am working on, goals, chores and the like. and - plus i only agreed to it if he'd compromise and watch one half hour UK comedy show on IFC and then the new slater drama show we'd recorded which took up an hr. he obliged and so it was all good! :)

I realize slater's voice is like a copycat of jack nicholson's voice, or a younger jack. but it doesn't bother me. truthfully i used to love him. as a teenager, he used to be one of my top favorite actors- ive had many of those but he was one of my most monumental [fave] stars as an adolescent. i still like him. and yes, i know his character is typical of many characters he has played in past films. but i don't care. there are tons of great actors, charismatic ones who are typecast. its just the way it is!

Here's review from Entertainment Weekly [which I subscribe to- the magazine] on the new Slater show if you have not heard of it yet or are interested on hearing more and what other people who checked it out are saying after series premiere this week!

Oct 14, 2008, 09:08 AM by Mandi Bierly

Watching the premiere of My Own Worst Enemy — NBC's Christian-Slater-has-a-split-personality drama — I finally understood how audience testing could screw a pilot: If I were holding a dial that measured how much I liked each moment of the hour, the results would look hillier than San Francisco.

First episodes are always tricky because large amounts of exposition can be tiresome. Make it a high-concept show that can't actually tell you anything (at least not until the final minutes), and it can be even more frustrating because you're constantly wondering if the payoff will be worth the wait... Without someone like Slater in the lead(s), I wouldn't have had the patience. But I'm glad he got me to stick around. And he'll keep me coming back.

The first moment that got me to sit up in my seat, and do one of those surprised-me! coughs you always see in movies, was, of course, when Edward, Slater's secret agent personality, shot (in the head) the woman he'd just bedded after she tried to kill ~~the pillows~~ him. I wrote "KINDA AWESOME" in my notes, but I think that's just because I'm sick of seeing women in their bras and/or panties in pilots this fall (Fringe, Eleventh Hour), and because after Edward uttered a line like, "Don't let an act of deception turn into an act of self-deception," I was craving violence. The moment I decided to give this series a serious chance, however, was when Mavis (Alfre Woodard), the boss of Edward's LA-based super-secret agency, told his alter-ego Henry, the suburban dad, that Henry was the personality that had been manufactured. Now the mystery is (A) Why would Edward sign up for this "program" (and don't feed me that bullcrap about doing it because you don't want to, to prove free will), (B) why does this program even exist (I'm guessing it's not because big bads, like this episode's Uzi, are all so willing to accept that the man who's been hunting them for 10 years is actually two people), and (C) why can't Henry be erased from Edward's mind (does Edward not want to let him go)?

Now that Henry is aware of Edward, the fun should begin in earnest, meaning we won't have to sit through another scene of Henry not understanding why he's being tortured and screaming "Don't you think I'd remember that [trying to kill you slowly]?" when a normal person would be yelling, "But I'm an [insert occupation]!" Instead, we'll just get Henry trying not to get killed when he awakens in Edward's world, and, fingers crossed, judging him some more. That "What a dick" line when Henry first stumbled into Edward's walk-in closet was classic. And we'll see Edward slapping the ass of Henry's wife and satisfying her so much sexually that she comes to rival Rachael Ray in the kitchen (cooking breakfast is her way of saying thank you and wow).

So, did the pilot do enough to hook you? What's your early theory about "the program?" And do you prefer scenes with Henry, Edward, or Hedward (when they're communicating important information, like "There's a difference between driving somebody's car and driving somebody's wife" through taped messages)?

More on 'My Own Worst Enemy':

TV Preview

My Own Worst Enemy

CHRISTIAN SLATER

Paul Drinkwater

By Dan Snierson

10-11PM · NBC · Debuts Oct. 13

Christian Slater stars as a man given a split personality in NBC's new spy drama My Own Worst Enemy, which renders him part superspy (Edward), part family guy (Henry). Here is a quick summary of fall's most adventurous new series: Edward is a fluent-in-13-languages operative who can snap your neck in a snap. Henry is a strategic management consultant who excels at...well, Excel. These two are nothing alike — except that they're the same guy, because a secret government organization ''manifested a divergent identity dormant in the sealed-off portion of the medial temporal lobe, creating a split personality.'' Henry isn't supposed to know about Edward, but thanks to a glitch in the program, he's waking up in strange countries in the middle of Edward's missions. Now Henry and Edward must work with each other to ensure survival. "They have to learn how to deal with the consequences of one another's actions, but don't always know what those  actions are," says series creator   Jason Smilovic. He recruited more Enemy  combatants, including Yes, Dear's Mike O'Malley to play Henry's wiseass work buddy, Tom, Alfre Woodard (Desperate Housewives) as Mavis, Edward's enigmatic boss, and Saffron Burrows (Boston Legal) will play Norah, Henry's therapist.

If Enemy can crack the code of appealing to mythology-obsessed geeks and casual TV watchers who simply want compelling emotional drama, NBC entertainment co-chairman Ben Silverman believes that the series "can absolutely be a huge piece of the puzzle" to help the struggling Peacock return to Nielsen glory.

COMMENTS

Delon Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 07:16 AM EST
I liked it. It was better than Fringe.

monica Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 11:30 PM EST
i thought it was awesome when we found that Henry was the fabricated one. that's hard to take.

bb Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 08:39 PM EST
I really liked it. The thought that your whole life has been fabricated as a cover for the REAL you, is just awesome.

Sadie Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 07:37 PM EST
Ok...I dvr'd this and just watched it tonight. I'm glad I did. Not only am I totally crushing on Christian AGAIN! but I love the concept of the show! It reminds me of La Femme Nikita. Bring it on and for heavens sake, DON'T CANCEL IT!

Jen in WI Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 05:41 PM EST
I just watched Inside the Actor's Studio, Slater was the guest and to how he describes the show made me think that the 'company' is a lot like APO from Alias. It's an uber secret govt set-up thingie that deals with super secret and dangerous retrievals and neutralizations and that sort of thing.

Charlie Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 03:50 PM EST
I AM TWO PEOPLE!

One that thinks this show sucked and will continue to suck, and one that will watch it when no one else is around...

Kelly Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 03:14 PM EST
I was hesitant about watching it, firstly because of mixed reviews, and also b/c I was afraid the premise was going to be either too cheesy or too over the top. But as the pilot unfolded my liking for it grew more and more. I think they nailed it; it's a perfect mix of action and humor. I loved the two different personalities' reactions to the other man's life. It was great. I'll definitely be watching more.

I like it already, just from seeing the pilot. Which is more than I can say for the overrated Fringe. (At least the last episode of that show was finally better, here's hoping that trend continues.)

Jen80 Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 02:43 PM EST
Yes, this was a pretty damn decent show. I'll definitely be back for more.

h Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 02:15 PM EST
i wasnt highly impressed. christian slater was good but i found the actual plot and writing of the show to be rather boring. will probably stick with it for a few episodes to see where it goes. but the writing does not compare at all to fringe or some of the other shows ive caught

Joe A Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 12:53 PM EST
I think this show really has potential long term. The concept is a lot closer to the literary Ludlum Jason Bourne/David Webb character than the films are and could really be interesting.

A. Noymous Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 12:40 PM EST
I was actually impressed with the show. funny and action packed. A lot better than the hour long Ford commercial, I mean Knight Rider that is pure cheese.

Now watch NBC cancel it on us.

Kristy Tru Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 12:34 PM EST
I love this show. The premise reminds me a little of the movie Total Recall but I really love this show.

Karen Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 12:25 PM EST
I really liked it! The actors/actresses are brilliantly cast and I really appreciated how they slowly unveiled the plot line. It is definitely fun watching Slater play the bad@ss but I also enjoyed seeing Henry come into his own by the end of the first episode. I will definitely tune in next week.

Shorty Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 12:23 PM EST
I like this show! The plot is different from anything else on, which makes it really interesting. However, since TV viewers tend to despise different or "edgy" programming, I have a sad sinking feeling that this will go the way of "Cane" and "Jonny Zero." I hated how CBS and Fox refused to give those shows a fair shot at building a fan base before yanking them. Best of luck, Christian!

timbit_queen Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 12:22 PM EST
I loved this show, and of course having Slater at the helm sure as heck didn't hurt. I'm flashing back to my teen years-Gleaming the Cube, man he was hot- sighing and falling in love all over again, but this time with the man. This show is unlike any before, and I am eagerly anticipating the next episodes. Here's to hopping that it will stick around and given a fair chance. Please, don't have us hooked only to take the same way out that the 4400 was given, sorry I'm still very bitter and peaved over thatone.

Sierra Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 12:21 PM EST
I'm w/ Caroline & Maria on this one. The crush I had on Christian Slater has been renewed. I liked the show, it's refreshing for a change & with that said, will probably be cancelled. I hope there are many more episodes to come. Come on...How many CSI shows do we need anyway?

Frankie Wells Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 12:00 PM EST
I so seldom watch network t.v. because it is so predictable and corny. This was a surprise and I won't miss the next episode. My husband was annoyed that I didn't tell him how good it was, but during the commercial breaks, I brushed my teeth, put wash in the dryer, etc. He'll be in on the next one.

Jenny Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 11:59 AM EST
If not because of Christian Slater,I wouldn't sit through this new show. Great plot and hope it will continue to satisfy everyone...hmm..Edward..no.I mean Christian.

Shasta Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 11:34 AM EST
I started off half-watching the show and ended up loving it. A very pleasant surprise, considering how terrible "Fringe" is. I actually liked "Worst Enemy" more than the recent "Chuck" episodes. (The whole Sarah/Chuck thing is just so lame.) Christian Slater totally sells it.

Maria Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 11:14 AM EST
Well it confirmed one thing: the crush I had on Christian Slater in 9th grade is still alive and well.

Caroline Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 10:48 AM EST
I really liked it, which means it will probably be canceled straight away.

RTA Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 10:27 AM EST
The show passed the first test. That of keeping me interested. It has a world of potential but I'm mostly glad they didn't try to make it funny. Clever will do fine, thank you very much. Bears watching, that's for sure.

Stephanie T. Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 10:18 AM EST

It's not like Kidnapped and Smith where the storylines were clearly ideas for films, this show made you wonder if the real person (Henry) is somehow psychologically wanting to be his real self or if someone is playing games. The show is complex, but not that complex. Slater fits this role, a bad a-ssed secret agent who loves sadistic sex and has a wicked sense of humor. It's like his Heathers character but he's not the bad guy.

Kate Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 10:07 AM EST
Eh, it might get a chance due to lack of competition in my world, but I was flipping to the Hills and the NLCS all night.

Christi Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 09:30 AM EST
Loved the pilot. You can't just jump in, it has to unfold so be patient people! The humor was perfectly played, not forced or cheesy. I'm in for the season.

Rachel K Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 08:39 AM EST
I like Christian Slater so I'm willing to give it a couple more episodes. I have to say though, I like anything that has to do with Edward's world better, or rather anytime Slater's being bad-a**.

kenley- the girl we love to hate.

2008-10-10T23:48:00.000-04:00

Da Brat Kenley's attempt at hip-hop style only served to show her bratty side

thought:

why is kenley such a bitch /sometimes talented but mostly predictable with her fifties obsession and pretentious remarks, eyerolling and sarcasm. she thinks she is the shit. it sure looks like [even though she is the one everyone loves to hate] that the judges have a secret love for her since she has managed to make it to bryant park week.

i admit both my fiance and i have been praying for her elimination the last 3 or more episodes but she is like a cockroach that just won't die or go away. i admit her wedding dress design came out absolutely elegant and was quite impressive but her annoying personality makes it hard to want her around.

i realize she is creative, but i really hope she doesnt win because i simply don't feel she deserves it and she is nothing more than a spoiled bitch who prob has gotten her way for much of her life. we've been rooting for leigh-ann from oregon/ portland pretty much from day one!!

#1 Let's Start From the Beginning - 'Project Runway' Premiere: The Safe Way

The season opens with a reprise of the classic grocery store challenge, but most of the contestants stick with easy materials Read More

#2 Grass is Always Greener - 'Project Runway': Green and Bear It

Stuck with eco-friendly but unappealing fabric chosen by their models, the designers attempt to impress guest judge Natalie Portman Read More

#3 Bright Lights/Big City - 'Project Runway': The Next Bussed Thing

In search of inspiration, the designers take a tourist bus around New York, then they base their looks on neon, tree planters, and old magazines Read More

#4 Rings of Glory - 'Project Runway': Five-Ring Circus

Despite the inspiration of gold-medal-winner Apolo Ohno, nearly all of our sports-challenged designers run off the track Read More
#5 Welcome to the Jungle - 'Project Runway': If It Ain't Brooke...

The designers try to create looks that will be worn on TV by the businesswoman character played by the week's guest judge, Brooke Shields Read More

#6 Good Queen Fun - 'Project Runway' Recap: Fit for a Queen

Daniel meets his end when the drag queens prove too outrageous for his ''high-end tastes.'' Read More

#7 Fashion That Drives You - 'Project Runway': Driven to Tears

Challenged to create a look out of car parts, most of the designers get up to speed, but Keith has an emotional breakdown Read More

#8 Double 0 Fashion - 'Project Runway': An Affair to Remember

Nineteen forties glamour didn't come easy to some of the designers, like Stella and Joe, as they all went after a chance to add an outfit to Diane von Furstenberg's fall collection Read More

#11 Rock n' Runway - 'Project Runway': Facing the Music

The designers get musically challenged as they dress each other and come closer to Bryant Park, while Kenley's attitude pushes even Tim's buttons Read More

#12 'Project Runway' recap: Wall flowers
by Kate Ward Oct 02, 2008

The final four designers fail to wow the judges as they decide who goes to Bryant Park

#13

'Project Runway' recap: And then there were three

by Tanner Stransky Oct 09, 2008

The lineup is set for Bryant Park as one more designer goes home Read More

this season in tv.

2008-10-10T14:32:00.004-04:00

we recorded this show a few weeks ago, anxious to check out this newly recommended [hopefully quirky] comedy sitcom which aired on IFC around september 30th.

10-10:30PM

IFC, TV-MA

Series Debut
The IT Crowd

B
This funny U.K. import's premiere introduces snobbish techie Moss (Richard Ayoade), his luckless-in-love buddy Roy (Chris O'Dowd), and their pretty but computer-illiterate new boss Jen (Katherine Parkinson). Think The Big Bang Theory meets SNL's ''Your Company's Computer Guy.'' —Aubry D'Arminio

Also on DVD-R, recommended via site, that i still need to check out are the following new shows or up and coming ones!

Exclusive: CBS Extends 'The Mentalist'

Oct 6, 2008, 10:54 AM by Michael Ausiello

Categories: The Mentalist

Even a fake psychic could've seen this coming: CBS has inched closer to granting a full-season order to its freshman smash The Mentalist, ordering six additional scripts for the Simon Baker-led drama.

The move comes as The Mentalist has emerged as this season's only surefire hit. In its first two outings, the show has won its time slot with an average 15.4 million viewers.

An official back-nine order, which would bring The Mentalist's season 1 episode total to 22, could come as early as this week. Meanwhile, I'm still on the fence about whether to season-pass this thing. Please submit your pro/con arguments below.

Other shows we are watching regularly this season [some are my favorite while others more popular type shows are my fiance's favorite so ive integrated what he watches with what i watch since for the most part we have some differences and weve learned to compromise by watching a little of each others fave shows- its what you do when you share a life together in an apartment LOL

How I Met Your Mother

8:30-9PM CBS, TV-14-DL

Ted (Josh Radnor) and fiancée Stella (Sarah Chalke) invite the gang to hang at single mom Stella's suburban Jersey pad, which culminates in...

'Desperate Housewives' recap: Male members

Between the outright jokes and implicit threats, the men of Wisteria Lane are front and center

Television Commentary

'Survivor: Gabon' recap: Shake it up

by Dalton Ross Oct 10, 2008

Four episodes in, the tribes reshuffle the deck Read More

'The Office' recap: Discounted goods

by Whitney Pastorek Oct 10, 2008

Meredith steals the scene at yet another uncomfortable meeting in the Scranton office Read More

'House' recap: Experimental haze (House)

by Michele Romero Oct 01, 2008

An artist's life is on the line and House finds a new way to go after Cuddy

NEXT films to watch via netflix that we have waiting at home fresh from mailbox [been so busy we have had these for a month w/o adequate time to tackle ANY of them!!!]

http://www.foxsearchlight.com/youngatheart/

HBO Films: Five Days

a dirty race- fear mongering indicates SORE loser.

2008-10-09T17:40:00.000-04:00

Mccain deeply failed at this past tuesday's debate with Barack Obama. as usual - he threw out jokes and cheap remarks that were hardly even funny or appropriate. he even seemed to insult the moderator tom brokaw. how does someone fall so far below grace and not realize it? I realize that he is perhaps an idiot and a moron but can anyone really be that oblivious or far away from themselves and their actions?

When I watch Mccain, whether it be debate or town rally - I am continually reminded of some weird freak side show. His whole campaign is nothing more than a fluke and a sham, full of lies, hypocrisy and contradiction.

Critics said that Mccain would need to make some 'game-changing' moves in this recent debate in order to take over the lead in the race. but if there was any 'game-changing', it wasn't in front of the cameras rolling, no doubt. instead what i watched was a rather pathetic cringe-worthy performance of a [sorry to sound harsh] sinister creepy little man.

He did not convince me that he was solid in anything he was saying, or upfront and honest/truthful. Not only that but the more he spoke, the more he contradicted hard to argue facts of his past and things he had previously voted on. What he was for in the past, apparently is not what he stands for today. I find it very hard to believe someone so obviously stubborn minded would change or flip flop that drastically and I only become further convinced he will say whatever it takes to win. It does not bother him if any form of deception is used to get what he wants. but it bothers me and most people with an intelligent logical mind.

There is no doubt in my mind he completely lost to obama and there wasn't even any challenge b/t the two. That is HOW weak and pathetic mccain's performance was. He completely sucked. How could anyone buy into this man's answers or principles at all??

We continue to marvel at how any person could buy into what he is selling or not see right thru who he really is. I just have a hard time understanding how anyone in their right mind could WANT to support someone like him or Palin.

There are so many things wrong with their plan..I don't even know where to begin. It's vague, wishy washy, not logical or practical and definitely not for the average middle class citizen in our country. It only caters to people like them, affluent people, celebrities, and business people who have more money than they know what to do with.

here are the top mistakes Mccain made.

MORE reasons why i think mccain is NOT the one for president.

1- referring to Obama as "That ONE" was not only disrespectful but shocking. he spoke to him with hostility and disdain, a kind of contempt that was very transparent and less than professional. his condescending tone made me squirm in my seat. it was indeed an uncomfortable moment to watch on screen. i personally believe that people who are great debaters treat others with dignity and respect no matter how much one is viewed as the enemy. acting like a 'loser' never makes anyone a 'winner.'

2- mccain was so wishy washy and uncooperative when asked to prioritize what needs to be accomplished in the US for the best interest of country/people. that says a lot to me. that he has no idea what he is doing - what a fucking airhead/ the more i watch, the more i am convinced, there isnt much inside that brain. he then tried to convince the audience that it was unnecessary to tackle things in any order or prioritize as it could all be done at once. he did NOT convince me in the least.

he only convinced me that he truly is "out there", does not know what he is doing and is not skilled to be the leader of any thing period. his way of problem-solving and goal making sounds disorganized, chaotic and unfocused if you ask me. and completely UNdoable. he is not what our country needs. he will put the nail in the coffin if elected to head our country. it is a frightening thought.

3- when asked by brokaw if healthcare was a: privilege, responsibility, OR right. obama chose it was a RIGHT which is the way i think and the way i think most people in this country think it should be, but it is not. while mccain chose RESPONSIBILITY- i don't think so. then he went further on to say that it was important for small businesses to have good healthcare available. and i was thinking, mccain ONLY cares about businesses, he doesnt care about the families, children, and the lower and middle class people who either cannot afford healthcare or are unable to attain affordable insurance. more proof he doesn't care for the average person in this world.

4- and last, that wise zen-like question given to both candidates to close the debate. mccain's answer said it all and told me why it would be a drastic mistake to vote for the likes of him. i felt like if other people didn't see why it would be such a horrible mistake to choose him OR didn't wake up from his vague uncertain and obviously unconfident statement, then they must not be very bright in the head. he is so NOT qualified to be president, it is NOT even funny.

no offense but i don't want a man who says to the world he has no absolutely no clue about the future. in all honesty, it doesn't sound like he is too interested in learning or investing himself to make the future of the US great.

i felt it very telling when he was asked the following question:

what is something that you don't know or lack skill in, but look forward to learning once elected president of the united states??

mccain simply stated: "I don't know what's gonna happen"

that answer sums up all the reasons NOT to vote for him!

***afternotes, things i found tacky or stood out to me:

1- i got tired of hearing mccain saying 'my friends' cos everytime he said it i felt it strangely radiated spewing animosity NOT anything that would feel even remotely "friendly" more like what you say to an enemy!

chris matthews on hardball made mention of this and made a sarcastic joke that had me laughing.

2- mccain patting the military [navy] man to show everyone how much he supports our troops and veterans. it was completely meant to show off for the tv cameras rolling, to make people think what a TRUE hero and great man mccain truly is. it was so unnatural and so obvious that this was only played up for the cameras because the whole world was watching.

3- keith olbermann called it the schizophrenic campaign which made me laugh and pointed out mccain's interesting freudian slip during one part of the debate where he inadvertently referred to the citizens as 'prisoners' interesting slip.

3- cindy mccain is another one i can do with out and makes me sick. her pretentious face and million dollar clothes, probably plastic surgery face/body. with carbon copy daughter. her outspoken mention in a mccain/palin rally in the midwest of how Obama did not support the troops and her son who was going to the middle east and how he had voted against a bill so he was anti-our troops, not patriotic or american as they are.

funny how i later saw reports on every famous political host show, proving the way in which john mccain had voted against the VERY same bill and how the reason why obama voted against funding of troops had to do with wanting the men to be sent home, if the funding passed, it meant there would be NO time table as to when they'd be sent home from the war. WHEREAS mccain himself voted AGAINST funding in the same bill but for horrible reasons, he voted against it because he wanted NO TIME TABLE as to when the troops would be sent home.

this shows you who really cares about our precious military men and womens' lives. mccain certainly doesnt mind if our troops spend the rest of their lives in war, til death and never seeing their family again. he really isn't much of a humanitarian and lacks depth or feeling for anyone other than himself and his objectives - thats truly sad. and despicable.

4- and let's not forget mccain and palin the attack dog's new tactics to play dirty in all of their rallies by continually suggesting obama is a terrorist and using fear-mongering to get the crowd excited. one crowd member at palin's clearwater rally even screamed, kill him. this was played on msnbc several times this wk by various political journalists. it was eerie and quite disturbing to me. that reaction and their new tactic to make everyone believe obama is really a terrorist is beyond fucking disgusting. most people i know are sick of politicians who use dirty name calling in order to win. IF mccain thinks he is going to win on this tactic alone, he has got to be f***ing kidding himself. has he taken a look at any of the recent polls where obama is approx 11 points AHEAD of mccain. there is nothing I HATE more than a person who is clearly a SORE LOSER!

Highlights/headlines/Snippet Before and After Tuesday's Debate

Obama Raises Expectations, Questions McCain's Temper: National Press Secretary Bill Burton releases a memo touting John McCain's experience with the town hall format, while also wondering if McCain will "continue his refusal to even look at Obama on stage -- like in their first debate." The memo also suggests that McCain will "launch his nastiest attacks" yet at tonight's debate.

McCain's challenge: lay off the stunts. Everyone knows he LOVES to win some newscycles. But he's starting to resemble Gob Bluth from ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. I WILL MAKE THE BOAT DISAPPEAR! I WILL BREAK OUT OF A VIETNAMESE PRISON! Where does it end, John? Don't eat the Skip's Scramble!

"That One," McCain Calls Obama In Debate (VIDEO)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ed-k1xOCsMs

During a discussion about energy, McCain punctuates a contrast with Obama by referring to him as "that one," while once again not looking in his opponent's direction (merely jabbing a finger across his chest). That's not going to win McCain any Miss Congeniality points. Nor will it reassure any voters who believe McCain is improperly trying to capitalize on Obama's "otherness."

This goes beyond refusing to look at Obama in the first debate. With this slightly dehumanizing phrase, McCain may have just played into the emerging narrative of Obama-hate that has been sprouting at McCain-Palin rallies.

Darren Davis, a professor at Notre Dame who specializes in role of race in politics, writes about McCain's "that one" line. "It speaks volumes about how McCain feels personally about Obama. Whomever said the town hall format helps McCain is dead wrong."

A few minutes later, Obama spokesman Bill Burton placed his foot on the pedal ever so slightly. In an email blast to reporters, he asks: "Did John McCain just refer to Obama as 'that one'?" No other commentary followed, nor did any mention of race. But expect the post-debate analysis to get a little focused on whether McCain just made a regrettable faux pas.

Off random Blog found this from: Lost Zen Puppy

http://lostzenpuppy.blogspot.com/2008/10/editing-of-ppgp-is-weirding-out.html

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Editing of the PPGP is weirding out — duplication will occur.

LZP: Can it get any odder?

Screw haters bigtime!

We have too many haters out there. You have to wonder how true the tales of Palin as racist are —

Did she refer to Obama as "Little Black Sambo?"

And how ironic would it be if he pulled a "Tiger Butter" fake out on her or top of the ticket?

We know McCain is a hater. He's been captured on video while at it. We know he thinks he's being authentic and "salty" when he called Asian Americans "gooks" ... but he is just being close minded and insensitive.

We know he makes sexist jokes about women and their sexuality or 2nd class people who enjoy rough sex with rapists. He needs to be gone. They should step down.

On a Lighter note, see link below for amusing pictures:

Pop Eater: Stars Speak Out on Sarah Palin

the stars that shine and the stars that shrink-

2008-10-09T04:07:00.003-04:00

Spellbound

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/12710324491/standalone

Dazzle

swallowing diamonds

a cutting throat

your teeth when you grin

reflecting beams on tombstones

a jamboree of surprises

playing russian roulette

or the lucky clip

a clenched fist to your heart

coal dust on your lungs

a silver tongue for the chosen one

heavy magnum in your side or a bloody thorn

skating bullets on angel dust

in a dead sea of fluid mercury

baby piano cries

under your heavy index and thumb

pull some strings -- let them sing

the stars that shine and the stars that shrink

in the face of stagnation the water runs

before your eyes

dazzle

it's a glittering prize

Spellbound

From the cradle bars

comes a beckoning voice

it sends you spinning

you have no choice......

You hear laughter

cracking through the walls

it sends you spinning

you have no choice

Following the footsteps

of a rag doll dance

we are entranced

Spellbound

And don't forget

when your elders forget

to say their prayers

take them by the legs

and throw them down the stairs

When you think

your toys have gone beserk

it's an illusion

you cannot shirk

you hear laughter

cracking through the walls

it sends you spinning

you have no choice

Following the footsteps

of a rag doll dance

we are entranced

Spellbound

- Siouxsie And The Banshees

sick + crampy again! :(

2008-10-06T17:07:00.001-04:00

I got sick again to my stomach as I havent had any bowel movements since three wks ago when I went to the ER- maybe even more than that so when I had chicken salad sandwich and a drumstick icecream cone. I instantly began cramping and feeling feverish. I was in pain all nite and scared I might end up in the hospital again.

I am hoping the cramps were only because of not going #2 in so long and a buildup. Both Jimmy and I had been concerned that I seemed unable to go for so long as it would seem unhealthy. I don't know what is wrong with my stomach but I should probably avoid icecream and anything with high concentration of dairy that seem to just agitate and set off cramps. I spent all day today in bed crampy, feeling feverish and going #2. I only woke up an hour ago as I barely slept last nite due to pain and being in the bathroom with severe cramps, feverish waves of nausea, at least 50 times during the entire nite. most of my bathroom trips resulted in NOTHING coming out and just sitting there suffering.

I took bentyl every three hrs all nite but it did not make a dent. In fact the cramps only heightened and got worse. It felt like trapped gas but NOTHING would come out. I almost felt on the verge of going to the hospital again. I didnt know what to do. I layed down on the couch with my legs up in a way to somehow make the cramps lessen with noelle my kitty sleeping on top of my head which slightly soothed me and CNN playing in the background, light on..at some point I guess I fell asleep out of pain and exhaustion.

Next time I awoke, it was dark, the tv was on still, and I saw my fiance getting ready for work about to leave around 7am. I got up, feeling A bit better but crampy still. I said goodbye to him and he asked how I was, told me to call if I needed him at all and to rest and said he loved me. We kissed goodbye and I tried to go sleep in our bed but the cramps felt worse laying in A bed even though my back and neck were hurting from being on couch. I ended up back on the couch for a few hrs.

when my neck couldnt handle it any longer. I groggily picked up my pillows and blanket and headed back to our bedroom. I must have been less crampy and so exhausted that this time I was able to sleep soundly. I didnt wake up til almost 4pm. My fiance is on his way home now. I had wanted to catch up with everyone but from being so sick and in bed all day, I was unable to and Im still not feeling so good. I mean I dont even know if I can eat any real food tonite. Im afraid of having a repeat like last nite. I just cant afford to be sick like this with so much to do for our upcoming wedding and so many appts to make in the next month and a half. I don't know what is wrong with me! :(

When I awoke, I got this email from my fiance. I felt so disoriented and out of it. I was anxious that I'd missed his email. It was about a baseball game upcoming. I'm not to into sports or games so I rarely want to go. Ive gone to a few baseball games with him but mostly find it boring and I just people watch and have absol no clue what is going on nor do I really care to know LOL I feel bad for him that Im not more into it as he isnt a person who enjoys going alone and often his friends stand him up when he asks them to go with. I feel bad about that. I don't think I will go for sure due to my stomach problems as of late. When healthy and in a right mood, I can make myself go with, just for him to have some company. Baseball is the only sport I could prob ever tolerate attending. I will never attend any football oriented games. I absolutely HATE football, think its the death of me, extreme boredom that I find more boring than the worst church sermon you can imagine + headachey- i hate yelling, rowdy assholes, and noisy crowds or crowds in general. Id rather NOT. LOL

this was his email to me though :)

Subj: Baseball

Date: 10/6/2008 9:32:34 AM Eastern Daylight Time

Hi babe,

I hope you are feeling better. If you need me for anything or want me to pick up anything for you on the way home, call me.

I wanted to let you know that I won the lottery to have a chance to purchase tickets for the Rays game if they beat the White Sox and get to the next round of the playoffs. I just found out about it and if I don't act now, they will be gone. Tickets are cheaper than they were last time and if I wanted to sell them for a lot more, I probably could. This opportunity might not happen again anytime soon, so I hope it is OK with you. I wish you liked going to games because I would like to go with you, but I realize it is not your favorite place. Anyway, I'll let you know the outcome when I get home.

Get some rest!

Love,
Jimmy

it's beginning to feel a lot like fall here.

2008-10-06T03:21:00.006-04:00

(Jimmy + I)

(Me + My Mom)

(Jimmy + My Mom)

After my alteration appt with david's bridal - I wanted to take some pictures so I got a few of my fiance with my mom, then had Jimmy take some of my mom and I, and my mom take some of Jimmy and I.

Yes, it was a family affair LOL

Truthfully, my mother loves Jimmy and they get along well and they actually have a lot in common, such as the things that i hate which Jimmy absolutely LOVES- my mom seems to love just as much!! Mostly this applies to food, socialization adventure/liking to try "new" things + and fun!!! Hahahha.

After the assorted picture taking, we then all three headed over to Michael's arts and crafts which was next door.

+++

Michael's Arts & Crafts store after Alteration Appt:

Below are a few things we got at michael's. Jimmy actually saw some canvas on sale, so he got two one for me and one for him. I guess he was thinking in the future maybe we might want to try our hand at painting. Neither of us are really artistic in that sense or way altho I think both of us liked to draw/doodle growing up and weren't bad at sketching, but also not artistic like good enough to be an artist or creative inspiration or anything LOL

I found it interesting that he all of a sudden saw something he wanted to pursue as a hobby via Michael's in arts and crafts. especially after the last few trips there he'd rolled his eyes or sounded irritated when I was excited over all the art stuff wanting to buy it!! I wonder what came over him.

Jimmy wasn't feeling very well today and was sick earlier this week with a cold with muscle ache/fever for several days enough to even take off work midweek. I think he is run down just like I have been. It is probably from planning a wedding which has been highly stressful and since it's getting closer and closer to the date- there is more and more to do, stress is heightened and at times it is just tiresome for both of us!

So anyway, here's a few things I got that made me happy:

This pretty fall butterfly clip on decoration. I don't know where I'd put this or if I could use it in my reception hall but just thought it was so pretty and it was cheap so I wanted it for Fall.

....And, here is a "Far East" rubber stamp set I got. It includes pieces that stamp below designs and it includes the black ink. I just thought it would be cool to have and try. It is my first real rubber stamp set and they have so many amazing ones that I was overwhelmed with which one to pick! My next picks would have been the celtic cross styles and the retro looking fashion/european women ones- kind of vargas/nouveau art like style.

After Michael's- Jimmy and I decided to go with my parents where they go to dinner every Saturday. We were all hungry and had a long drive back so felt we might as well!

Below picture of us was taken at Longhorn Steakhouse :)

(Me + My Fiance at Longhorn)

During dinner, my mom told us the cutest story regarding my niece Alexcia. She told us that last week my niece came home from school sick from something she ate at school [apparently it was food poisoning as a few other kids at school contracted the same illness]...anyway while my mom was taking care of her-- she asked for the nemo cold compress I'd gotten for her birthday recently to put on her tummy to make her feel better, but when my mom got it and put it on her tummy, alexcia moaned that nemo wasn't big enough to help her tummy ache...Awww!!!! It just made me envision the tiny nemo on Alexcia's tummy and her saying that with her big saucer like eyes...poor baby!!!!

Luckily, she is better now, but I didn't get the chance to see her this past weekend but since the Tampa team of baseball won this division thingie [don't know anything about sports or care], my fiance will be going to the big game this coming saturday and I will probably just be dropped off to visit my family and niece while he does this, so I suppose I will get to visit her then.

Unless I get sick again. If I do, I will just stay home. I am still worn out from being sick in the past two days and I think I am runned down from all of this. I hope to catch up sometime tomorrow but for now must say goodnite. I spent much of tonite trying to recuperate and regain energy from last nite's illness :/

It's really beginning to feel like Fall here and that seems strange to say when it comes to FL, since it's not known to cool off til late October or early November. I like the feel of Fall though and the crisp air, the breeze. I know it's nothing like the places where snow falls as I've lived in those climates before and I don't soon forget. But I revel in that 'feeling' and find that I always become so nostalgic during the last few months before the year comes to a close. Perhaps it is because I am deep. Or maybe it is because I was born in November and so it just feels like home to me - natural.

I always travel towards darkness even when seeking light. It seems so much a part of me (like nature) that I gravitate toward darkness yet long for light - in so many aspects of my life. Sometimes, I am a total walking contradiction, even to myself!

Bridal Gown Alterations [with pictures]

2008-10-06T01:54:00.000-04:00

pix before and during alterations at david's bridal, first fitting.

My measurements were- 31-26-37 I don't know what it all means other than that I have a petite chest and big hips apparently according to these numbers. I'm not sure what the numbers mean but I wish I did and I think I'm going to research that so I can find out.

Alterations were a bit tiring seeing that within minutes my feet were killing me and the lady kept reprimanding me for not holding my head high enough and standing straight. It was not that relaxing + a bit stressful. I couldn't wait til it was done and was relieved when about 40 mins later the hems being pinned, bust and waist pinned were finally finished where I could take the dress off and leave.

Unforunately I accidentally moved my arm too fast and one of the HUGE straight pins brushed against my skin causing a deep cut against my inner arm near my wrist. I had no idea it bled or that I'd been cut. I thought I just poked myself with the pin, not cut myself. Hours later, before bed is when I discovered the nasty dark red cut that looked like a smudge of sharpie red marker. It scared me. I put peroxide and neosporin, then put a bandaid on it immediately.

Here were some pix my mom and the alteration lady took for me. A few of these are prior to alterations so it looks a bit big because it wasn't taken in yet and a then a few were taken after I was all pinned up:

These were before the alterations began so nothing was pinned up yet. Also, the corset wasn't tied up yet so it looks a bit big without it being fully tied up.

I had my mom take a few snapshots before everything got pinned and taken in and in case I wasn't able to get any pix before turning the dress into alterations so I could see how the dress fit now and share with those I wanted to with.

I felt my arms and shoulders looked noticeably thinner than when I first tried on, bought the dress which I photographed the day of purchase back in May. I have lost some weight in the past month and it may be tied to that. I think it was more obvious in person though than in the actual photographs here. I don't know.

Closeup picture of top half, sideways:

Full length front shot.

My face sure does look red. I can't determine whether it is the lighting or if it is because I was feeling hot and nervous while standing there waiting to be altered OR if my skin really looks like that. Whatever the case it worries me because when I looked in the mirror during this time, I felt my complexion and color were noticeable as I got sort of a farmer's tan when I went to the beach back in July due to wearing a surfer style sleeveless top rather than bikini and was hoping it would fade before my wedding as I refuse to wear tanning spray or go to any tanning salon. I HATE being tan and the look of fake tans on people in general. I think it's ugly and will not do it, so I just have to cross my fingers that by the end of Nov., in person and in photo, that my skin is going to look even in tone and color otherwise I am in big trouble. I definitely don't want to look like I have splotchy skin color or orange-reddish tones on my wedding day. I really don't know what can be done to make sure this doesn't happen. So all I can do is HOPE and pray!

Frontal view

Below, picture is a crop from above picture-

There were mirrors all around so in the original picture it captured another angle and view by way of capturing the reflection in the mirror in the photo which I thought was really cool. I like seeing other perspectives.

Then, I had the lady doing the alterations take a few pix which appear below. She seemed reluctant about it and almost seemed like I wouldn't get any pix from her but I assertively asked and so I got my pix. I felt like she may've been annoyed at doing it so she didnt make the best effort but oh well, better than nothing. And it's irritating that the girl behind me appears in the picture. She didnt have any appt for david's bridal or even for alterations. Another saleslady dumped her onto the alteration lady wanting her opinion as the girl couldn't decide between two bridal gowns and it sounded like to me, the saleslady felt that the alterations lady's opinion would result in her getting a big sale from this woman. I think it worked but felt it should have been done AFTER my appt afterall Id made my appt weeks ago and had it reserved. Annoying!

The below picture shows how the dress looks after she hemmed up the front [which looked really nice and changes the whole look of the dress since it was way too long and I am so petite] You may notice that on each side of my bust. She had pulled in the sides somewhat with pins. This is when i ended up cutting my arm during the appt as I accidentally moved my arm and it got caught on a large pin. I didn't know I cut myself til hrs later.]

I had to have the side of my bust pulled in for a more flattering figure fitting top otherwise it looked like I had a sloppy figure with no breasts. I was wearing a strapless push up padded body slip along with silicone adhesive bra underneath to push up and enhance breasts. I hardly notice a difference and now think maybe I should have bought a size bigger, a B cup instead and I am seriously thinking I will either take a trip to Macy's or Victoria's Secret to buy a B cup silicone adhesive bra as I am now anxious my breasts are going to look funny since I'm not very full chested or curvy with this strapless dress. I never wear strapless anything cos obviously I don't have the breasts or the body for it.

I want to look perfect on my wedding day so I guess I have to spend an extra thirty bucks buying another silicone adhesive bra set since I am unable to return the one I just bought from David's Bridal which is an A cup. They have a strict policy where you cannot return or exchange anything once you purchase from them. It's one thing I really hate about them among several other things and think if I ever had to shop for wedding stuff again that I may not ever want to work with them again. I noticed that after you buy your dress, people are less friendly to help or give you great customer service and even when trying my dress for alterations, no one raved about how beautiful my dress looked on me yet that is all they did the day I was trying it on and thinking of buying it. Instead the alteration lady raved about the other girl's dress who had not yet bought a wedding dress and was considering buying that day. I found that curious and funny. It shows me that you only get compliments and flattery when you are considering buying from them, but once you buy, all that goes out the window. I don't think its coincidence and I think that is very bad customer service. It turns me off to ever want to shop with them again!

Anyway here I am below, with the bust pulled in with pins-

This will have to be sewn and taken in. Again my face and arms look red and I worry that it is from a past summer tan and won't fade in time for my wedding :/

View of back of gown:

I wanted to get a full view of the back, so here it is :) I really love the look of the corset tied up and the way the rest of the shape of the gown shows off my figure and curve :)

After Note:

I have a second appt, on November 5th at 7.30pm to be re-fit into gown, to make sure the new alterations fit my body well and to also have my bustle for my train built into my wedding dress. This is done so that when you go to the reception you can walk, move and dance without tripping on the train. This cost 225 dollars and I'm not sure if that included the train or not- that may have just been taking the bust, and waist in as well as having to hem the dress because I'm too short and petite. I felt like my body looked a little thinner, less fatty, bloated since the day I bought the dress in May and felt it was slightly noticeable but maybe im imagining that. It isn't drastic so I guess you might not really notice.
PS
To show you the difference between when I first tried on the dress back in May of this year and photographed it AND pix from this past wkend in October--I will share the pix from back in May. I feel I look way heavier in these pix and there is a noticeable weight loss although it may be harder to tell because in this set of pix I was wearing the veil with tiara over the dress and in the pix from alteration I am not wearing either of of those.

++++++++

Below are some of the things we ordered last month as party favors for our November Wedding, it arrived at my parents house this past weekend!

[we also finished addressing all our invitations earlier in the week and mailed them out on this past wednesday, by the way. we have had four replies since last week already from close family/friends who have already sent their reply saying they will be there!]

Party Favors we got:

#1 wedding beverage/ bar napkins in the color of lilac with silver writing, personalized with our names and wedding date along with symbol we both chose- the butterfly. since its my favorite and is already a semi-theme in the wedding and ties very well to orchids and a number of other styles ive chosen for my wedding thus far.

#2 disposable butterfly cameras for each main guest table.

#3 matches with symbol [chinese for love] and our names, wedding date on item [blk/silver]

ps We think we are going to order this pretty, unique and cool party favor as the wow factor for our wedding reception as a gift to our guest attending :)

It is a silver or pewter butterfly bookmark [i love it and ties in with our wedding theme]

Fund it on a website called http://www.favorsbyserendipity.com/

Here is the link to what we plan to get!

http://www.favorsbyserendipity.com/themed_product_pages/p-slg-6401-fc.html

autumn treats [gift to self]

2008-10-05T23:13:00.001-04:00

october 2nd sephora shopping spree

i love the things i treated myself with for autumn and for motivation to keep weight i lost OFF. lol

i've been shopping at sephora since 1999- i LOVE it. i once had a french penpal for a number of years. she lived in france and sephora was very big there. she used to send me stuff from there- shower gel, bubble bath every xmas and bday and it was such a unique treat because there were no sephora's in anywhere but maybe CA or NY back then and then in 2000 or so sephora decided to open their first store in chicago. that is when i started frequenting the store.

i've ordered online often since moving back to FL since i couldn't always get to it in person - every year i buy a new set of stylish makeup brands to try and forge a new twist to my look. most of my favorite beauty products i swear by have only been discovered via sephora. i love that they give cutting edge samples esp by mail, as well. thats how i discover some of the best new makeup. unfortunately the sales lady neglected to give me any this time and i didnt catch it til i walked out.

jimmy spent the day with me shopping there this past wednesday when he was out sick for cold/flu and i also helped him get a higher end skin product for his problematic skin. it was so much fun and i think he could see the appeal in that store. i already know what i'm getting him for xmas and myself for my bday.

we spent a good amount of time in the aisle of my favorite line of bath/body/lotion/perfume products by FRESH. i love their rice shampoo and they have very unique but expensive scents in sugar, lemon, and a number of other very natural scents like that. i also have their sake perfume and rich soap bar which is rich and tantalizing. i only wear it for special occasions and when my asthma isnt acting up! i want to get their sake candle one day.

so, i knew jimmy would like their men's scent cannabis santal which came out a few yrs ago and i had considered buying him last xmas but wanted him to smell it before taking such a chance. he tried it while we were there last week and fell in LOVE. he asked for it for xmas so that is what i plan to get him.

i fell in love with a new one called sugar lychee perfume which i want to get myself next time i have some holiday money to spend. i like to buy a new high end fragrance once a year and pride myself in the high quality and unique perfumes i own and wear. the ones i wear most often as of late are: jil sander pure and jil sander no. 3, emporio armani she. also used to wear out: gucci rush, chanel cristalle to name a few. and the fresh sake, i wear every now and then.

my favorite new things lined up below!

sephora electro liner pencil in chocolate with glitter, two new benefit lipsticks in 'do tell' and 'sassy frass', two sephora liquid eyeliners in green and blue. one sephora deep black eyeliner pencil.

love this new juicy tube out this fall by lancome which i also picked up at sephora!

then later we made a stop at target and i got a few pieces of jewelry since its inexpensive and always pays to have a cool necklace and set of earrings. my favorite one broke last year with blk onyx so i really wanted something in similar onyx/silver antique style to replace it til i can buy a more expensive one as i am too broke right now with all the wedding expenses we are faced with the last two mos before our upcoming wedding.

a few pieces

(end)