winterchill + pix.

Over the weekend the temperature dropped drastically, going from humid and summer type clothing to numbing wintercold displeasure. You will notice by clothes that what I was wearing only the nite before [less than twenty four hrs prior], was completely different in season.

see pix in aveda haircut entry.

I live in a state that is warm most of the year and I don't deal well with cold snaps or unexpected temperature drops. I enjoy the cold but am finicky and like it to be gradual, predictable, and expected so I am prepared and because my body does not adjust to temp change or very cold weather very well. It seems to resist. I did not expect it to get this cold right before or on my wedding which is nearly a week away today. Neither of us did. I expected light chill, maybe 60's but it dropped to 40's 50's and even 30's the last few days over here and freeze warning came into effect for outer areas around us in fact. this would not be such a huge deal IF i wasn't wearing a strapless wedding gown without nylons, stocking, wearing high heel open toed sandals, that are meant for summer weather, warm weather. when i bought my gown, the style i bought was what was most in season. and the lady seemed to suggest that long sleeved gowns or even short sleeved ones were a thing of the past and ALL brides wore strapless. in truth, i never wanted a strapless, i feel far too unconfident in my body and looks and its uncomfortable but it was all i had to choose from. i'd have preferred a short sleeve, halter or spaghetti strap as opposed to strapless but there were none when i made my purchase. now i notice at david's bridal far more flattering vintage style gowns which i would have chosen over this and also ones where your arms are covered. oh well, you live and you learn haha. i'm not complaining just i never anticipated this drop in weather or this cold front. never envisioned it once. even with sweater i bought at fossil last week, i do not think i would be warm enough. i have tiny small bones and i am the type of girl who is always cold, more so than others. we were supposed to take pix at a beach by sunset prior to our wedding ceremony with professional photographer but unless it warms up a bit , im not sure i can handle that as the beach near water is way colder than on land and we are not even near the water where we live. and ive been positively freezing these days.

it is supposed to be in the seventies by the weekend. here's hoping it will stay that for wedding day but FL is unpredictable and it could change at any moment. also my fiance's bro in seattle flies in on tuesday nite and we have to pick him up and have him stay here. his parents alerted us to this last nite. we did not know he would be staying here, just til wed. to go to wedding rehearsal and then he will go with my fiances parents far out where they live. it just would have been nice to know. id have liked an apt where it is just US the next wk when things are going to truly be stressful and crazy. now i have to worry about an intensive clean up of every room in this place, put away personal projects/things i normally have laying around and hope he doesnt snoop on my computer/email since everything i have personally is out in the open. i hate not having privacy or having visitors/guests. i feel like i have to put on an act and cannot relax the way i normally do. it feels restrictive and its certainly the last thing i wanted to be stressed over so close to the wedding. this just makes things much more stressful. we already have a lot of projects to finish for our wedding this week and weekend and now were going to have to add cleaning the entire apt from top to bottom. believe me we have a lot of stuff and weve let it go due to being so busy with wedding upcoming. this just puts a major dent in things. sigh....

on top of this post are some pix from over the wkend - when we had a final meeting with wedding chapel and reception hall coordinator Janice and then meeting at starbucks with minister to discuss final vows, poems etc. My mother is reading song of solomon for ceremony [i posted several mos ago the vows we chose - will share this more entirely after we make our wedding program, we will be doing this in next few days btw] also j's nephew g. is reading one of our favorite love poems, actually it was my suggestion as that is how i view love and how i want to be loved. i dug it out of this very diary as i had it privately saved. one of my fave romantic poems of all time- 'i carry your heart' by e.e. cummings.

(pix were taken at the place our wedding will be held- taken on nov. 16, 2008)

I hate how bright the sun was glaring in most of these days because I couldn't keep from squinting and I feel like it makes me look unflattering. And it was windy so when I put my hair down [which was still a little damp from showering], it didn't look very good and made my hair look flat. Other than that I loved the pix and the ones with Jimmy and I were definitely my favorites and came out really nice :)

escalating irritation/annoyance/stress- hate this.

Things are hectic and busy. We are so tired lately. We have got a lot to do tonite in terms of wrapping up wedding stuff, hair appt tomorrow, and the need to clean.

My fiance's brother from Seattle is flying in on Tuesday and I found out a few days ago his parents decided to dump him on us and let him stay here.

Well-- the apartment is a HUGE fucking MESS due to being so busy and stressed out with our upcoming wedding lately and simply cannot be left "as is", not to mention I have got enough on my plate to prepare for and having a guest was the last thing I wanted, planned, or envisioned.

I am a bit annoyed but there is nothing I can do. My fiance's brother only stays one nite- Tuesday- but Jimmy is already planning our bar drinking outing with him Tuesday. nite. I don't really feel like going out or having extra things piled up on me next week when we have other things to get done before next Friday's wedding.

Wednesday is rehearsal dinner is at 6pm in Palm Harbor and we are picking up gown/tux that day prior to this while my fiance's bro jason tags along with us.

Thursday we have to drive to his parents for god knows why because they expect us to be there for Thanksgiving and well you know how long that drive is. Almost two FUCKING HOURS. It is not fun when you are a girl who has to pee every two minutes.

I feel like when we are planning for a wedding, for our BIG day..well it is just plain stupid, idiotic, and ridiculous to expect for us to go all the way out there but even if it wasnt expected, he would STILL want to go there because he is a momma's boy by all accounts.

If anyone in our families should have us at their Thanksgiving, it's my parents especially my mother who paid for the majority of this wedding, not his parents who complained and barely put one penny in this. Other than Rehearsal Dinner cost which they made sure to pick a cheap place since they don't eat out at expensive or average priced nice restaurants and getting an open bar- they havent put anything into this. My mother paid thousands and thousands for this wedding.

It is annoying because his parents could come out here for us this one year when they know we have so much to prepare for for our wedding the following day. I also feel like understanding families would accept and allow that maybe we might skip Thanksgiving get togethers this year so we could have enough rest and relaxation for our own actual wedding day.

You know, this IS exactly why i didn't want my wedding around a holiday especially Thanksgiving but it was his bright idea.

I don't like Thanksgiving food personally. I HATE turkey- find it boring. I hate stuffing even more, gravy and all the fatty foods. I don't revel in stuffing myself til I am sick.[but he does and so do they] and most of all I HATE football and that is ALL you can expect to find there. It is miserable being there and just the last place I wanted to go the nite before my wedding.

Sorry to complain but I feel like any other year I could have done it with a smile on my face but this year, we have a wedding right after and that is stressful and exhaustive enough!

I cannot say enough how i wanted to just be able to relax in my own private space at my home and do what I want when I want. That means, not having to go over someone's home least of all someone's home that entails four hours of driving- give or take- back and forth. That means NOT being stuck at some place that is in the middle of fucking nowhere, boring, and a place that is only about eating food, stuffing your face, and watching sports all day + night long while you lazily fall asleep.

The problem with these people is they don't do a variety of things or have much interest in anything deep or substantial. Their interests and activities are very one sided and since I am outnumbered by food and sport lovers - well you can guess where my interests stand. At the very bottom.

Besides sports or tv, there is no choice. They don't interact and when they do, it's to talk about family gossip, who is the latest trainwreck of the family (always the same people + characters which I never meet) and uninteresting unintelligent superficial things. The basis of all get-togethers tend to revolve around food, tv, and housework/laborous jobs that they've assigned and waited for Jimmy to do which I find rude, lazy, and insulting to him. He clearly is the apple of their eye but not without cost and he rarely stands up to them. I feel both sorry for him and annoyed at them, also annoyed that he doesn't assert himself and allows himself to be taken for granted. The tv + gluttony of food bores me more than I can say. Most irritating is that they dont watch anything but football on Thanksgiving or even take turns thinking maybe some people would like to watch something they might actually enjoy since they are "your guest". But since I am in the minority, what I feel really doesn't count at all.

I always end up sleeping. They think I'm lazy but it's that I am bored being there and I don't want to be there. Sleep just makes the unbearable time there go faster. Simple as that but they don't really get it.

Btw, I cannot read or even enjoy glancing at my magazines [I have tried] with their loud sports on. I can't concentrate on anything. It is usually so LOUD and drives me mad. It always gives me a headache and I can't focus on doing anything because it irritates me so much.

The far drive is not fun to me- it's torture. It is not fun to me to get up early either just for his family and football. I would prefer to stay home but don't have a choice in the matter. I just think it's very annoying that we have to go out there the day before my wedding.

I really think I need my energy for the wedding and I really would like to just relax at home doing what I want and not being stuck with headache inducing football all day. That is so boring to me!

Then the day after wedding we have two days before we go on our honeymoon to Jamaica and have to catch a plane, flight, at around 4 or 5am in the morning on Monday! So, technically that will be late Sunday since I normally don't go to bed til after four am anyway.

I am a little annoyed that Jimmy is already setting up multiple plans for us to get together with people on both those days. I think after the wedding, I would want to sleep in and not be around anyone. He is insisting we have to have lunch with his parents Saturday- the day after the wedding.

I said "well then drop me off at home. I want to go home. I'm not meeting anyone for lunch. I just want to relax, maybe I might want to go back to sleep."

I remember my last wedding, how tired I was and how I slept in in the hotel and how nice it was me and my new husband spent the day completely alone with each other, having dinner together, and going shopping at borders- might I add again- that we were ALONE. Without his family or friends expecting us to meet up. It was NICE and what it should be like.

It was special because we were fucking ALONE and able to revel in that we were now husband and wife, show the world NOT having a bunch of family + friends tagging along like my fiance seems to think I should want.


Getting married is a celebration of two people, the couple, not his whole fucking family and friends. That is what the wedding day is FOR!

I'm sorry to sound like a bitch but I think his idea of what our weekend should be like after our big wedding day, before going on honeymoon is completely NOT my vision of things, not logical and not what most people do or even WANT to do, after!!! It is SO beyond me, I feel like I could explode.

I just think its fucking ridiculous. We are seeing his entire family at the rehearsal dinner nite Wednesday, spending all of Thanksgiving at his parents home with all of their relatives and both his siblings! And then, the wedding Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, next week---- isnt that enough?

It makes absolutely NO sense to me!!!!

I think he is going to make plans to have other lunch dinner dates with his brothers in addition to this, that I am OBLIGATED to go to, as well as his friend Colleen in from chicago the weekend after we marry...and, god knows who else of his family.

I really planned on relaxing and packing before we went on our honeymoon and not doing a thing. I think it's logical most people want to be AWAY from people after a big wedding and just relax, especially before going to a tropical honeymoon. But not him.

He just doesn't get it. It's like the complete opposite of what it should be. As if after a wedding, this means spending even more time with OTHER people.

To me, wedding= alone time for the couple.

We are SO different in this it's not even funny.

I think there is going to be a fight if he persists on us doing all kind of social dates with his family and friends the entire weekend before we leave on our honeymoon to Jamaica and I know exactly what he will do.

The thing that really sets me off, is his ability to leave out things, lack of disclosure with me which is subtlely passive aggressive/ semi manipulative behavior which I simply cannot stand. He has a habit of not consulting with me when it comes to his family and the plans I am obligated to do with him for them.

I know how he works. J. will make the plans and dates without telling me because he expects me to go and probably knows I will say "No" - so he thinks by making the plan without me, he can force me into going or make it where I am unable to say no. I do not have a say in the plans he makes because he doesn't believe he needs to consult with me. I sensed that last nite when he accidentally let out he had already set a lunch date with his parents the day after our wedding.

What the FUCK!??

I mean, not only do I not want to do this. But, their idea of lunch is 11am.

My idea of lunch is like 3pm or later so I can sleep in past NOON on a normal day where I am not out late the nite before or at my own formal wedding the nite before!!! WTF?

Not just this, but I like a few hours to wake up before I go out anywhere in public or meet up with people. But being that I will be emotionally and physically exhausted the day after a formal wedding that is mine, is it really so strange that I might actually need more time to sleep in, rest, relax and just lounge around doing nothing for my day?!

In all honesty, I am not even AWAKE at noon, it takes me a few hrs to wake up and I need gradual time. I am not a day, morning person. I never have been. I cannot change who I am and I don't really care what people or his family think. If they think I am abnormal well then that is their problem and in fact maybe I am abnormal but I also don't think there is any thing wrong with being "different". Not everyone is alike and we are not ALL f-ing robots, followers.

Last nite when he just dropped the comment that we would be having lunch with his parents the day after our wedding nite, I was like - "are you fucking kidding me?!! You've got to be fucking kidding. I'm not doing that!"

I could tell by the way he mentioned it that he had already made the plan with them behind my back. This fully angered me because he had made the decision for me without my knowledge, and ASSUMED we would just meet his parents for lunch without consulting me about HOW I felt or even asking me what I wanted to do- or if this would be okay with me. It is not OK. it certainly is NOT.

I had a mini blow up on him. I got angry and I am sure he felt this but I am not so sure he got it or understood where I was coming from. I let it go because there was no point in going on about it. I stated how I felt and when it comes up again, my feelings will be made known. If he chooses to ignore what I already stated and that I will not do this on the day after our wedding, then he is asking for a fight. My anger last nite was restrained but there will be more to come if he keeps pushing me past my limit.

I know why he didn't ask. It is because he thinks it is my duty and he plans to do it or make me do it no matter how I feel. This is why I am pissed OFF. I don't like being controlled or treated like I am below someone. I feel in coupleship you consult with each other and do what each other wants, not what only ONE person wants and at the very worst, you find a compromise but you don't just make decisions like this without consulting the other person. It is wrong and it is definitely not how one acts in a marriage or even a serious live-in relationship.

His making this lunch date with his parents without taking my feelings into consideration is hardly fair and I think its strange not to mention weird that the day after our wedding after we get out of our first nite together in our hotel alone, his fucking parents have to see us before they go back home...HUH?????

My parents are nothing like that. Thank GOD. Because they respect the day after is for the couple to recuperate and be together for the first day of their new and special lives. Its not special if i have to share it, our first real day together with a HOST of all his family and friends. This is just unacceptable to me and unromantic.

In any case, i think he is going to try to stick me with a whole bunch of crap after the wedding, and cram it in sat. and sun. before our departure to jamaica early sun. morning. Even though I have already repeatedly warned him to "not cram in a whole bunch of social outings after the wedding and before we leave for our honeymoon".

I have not stated this to him yet in FULL but I think he knows it deep down. He is just trying to ignore what he knows of me and hoping I will kiss everyone's ass and do what they want me to do . NOPE.

If I am exhausted, I don't care who you are, I am not going to do it. I am not going to wear myself out right before we are leaving to our honeymoon so I can be sick for our vacation and unable to enjoy our time!! No thank you!!

This will NOT fly with me.

There will be a fight if I am pushed past my limit and he already pushed me past my limit by saying we have to go a few hrs out of our way just to spend the entire thanksgiving day and nite out of town with his parents, the day before our wedding.

The lunch date with his parents is way PAST my limit. He can go out with them without me. He is going to try to rope me in though because the hotel is in Clearwater and we live in another city forty mins away. I am going to fight this though but I have a feeling he may win.

If I am forced, it will show in my attitude there. I resent being forced and I resent that he is so inconsiderate of my feelings and what I want. I don't even eat lunch on most days. This is hardly a treat for me not to mention they have horrible taste in food and are cheap.

I'm not going to write further on this cos i will just get pissed and worked up over it - I think its best to opt for NO NOTES. Those will just add to working me up even more and trigger more anger and frustration.

I don't want any words that accelerate already rising anger and irritation and I certainly want to avoid things that will only increase my anxiety and emotional outbursts right before my wedding as I want this to be a happy thing for the two of us in the end.

I just feel irritated at these new revelations. I KNEW he would try to pull this on me but had hinted several times over the past several mos I want to be alone before our honeymoon and not have a lot of social outings, and have time to pack and get ready to leave, not be tied down with social plans.

I thought he knew me well enough but sometimes I feel like he simply ignores what he knows because all he cares about is getting his way and doing things how he wants them regardless of how I feel. It pisses me off more than anything in the world.

I also will be getting my period either the day before, day of, or day after my wedding- based on my monthly period outcome in past year. This sucks as you know I am not in the best mood during this and I frequently have intensified emotion [and i am already bipolar so i already cannot manage emotions in general] with angry blow ups, sometimes involving rage and screaming rants, crying hysterically when upset, extreme irritation, moodswings, feeling crappy crampy totally agitated-- etc.

I didn't really want the wedding on this weekend because I knew it would be my time of month and I would have my period but Jimmy insisted you could not plan a wedding around a period. I BEG TO DIFFER. Turns out I was RIGHT. I could have easily planned the date so it wasn't during my period only this was the only weekend in Nov. he would allow us to have a formal wedding. He controlled the date we chose.

I wanted our wedding to be in the month of November and in my opinion, there was absolutely no reason why it couldn't have been the weekend before or the weekend after my birthday so as not to conflict with holidays and such. But he had to have his way. It irritates me deeply.

Last month I got my period in b/t the 28th + 29th sometime in the middle of nite. Our wedding is on the 28th of this month by the way! That means I am guaranteed to have my period either that day or that nite because my body has been pretty consistent this past year and I've watched it closely paying attention to the date from month to month. It has never really wavered, usually if it's off, it was only a day or two where it came earlier than the projected average date. Getting it earlier isn't helpful to me though since I have it for at least five days and the first three days are always heavy bloody and painful- at times I cannot eat and if I do, I am in the bathroom with diarrhea all nite. This is what I wanted to avoid. I just hope my stomach cooperates with me. If it is bad, I probably will not be eating or eating much of anything to stay safe and keep from getting sick. Sorry for the graphic visual but it's the truth and I so dread this and worry it will ruin the wedding day!!!

The time my period starts is NEVER predictable. It can be out of the blue, while I am asleep, while I am out in public. I simply cannot predict. This makes me a lot more stressed than I can express and anxious because I am going to be wearing a beautiful Ivory formal gown and I fear getting my period, not knowing and finding I have blood all over me or something. I have worried over this the entire year but tried to push it away. But, now it is getting closer, and I am worrying over this more than ever!

Anyway- end of rant. This is what i have to look forward to, might as well get all complaining out NOW. So I can move ahead and cope with the upcoming stress in the best way [if it exists] possible!

Edit:

I was so worked up when I wrote this that I forgot to make it 'no notes' so I wouldn't get any. Well now its too late. and I already got one note from a favorite whom I completely agree with.

She wrote this and I thought I would share it, so I could further add to one aspect she covered and since I am in complete total agreement with her:

I would have to agree with you on wanting the day after the wedding to rcuperate. Sorry to sound crude, but I always imagined the day after the wedding to be full of lie ins, relaxation and wonderful loving, romantic married sex. I really would not expect the day after a wedding to make plans to visit the inlaws, especially if you are seeing them the day before the wedding anyway.x [B_Flodhast]

I agree it should be an alone day after the wedding with lots of rest, relaxation and sex but I forgot to mention that my fiance isn't all that much into sex and I am always having to ask for 'sex' just to get any, so I guess our priorities in that are different.

I will be lucky if I get sex on our wedding nite and yes even if I hate that I have to remind him for sex or have to even ask, I will ask if that is what I have to do. It's frustrating but what can I do, I am with someone who feels like sex is not that important and has a low libido while my sexual intensity + drive is like that of a man. I don't mean to be insulting but his sexual libido is truly like that of a woman who never wants to have sex and tries to avoid or make excuses not to have it. Not only does that anger, upset, and frustrate me but it deeply hurts and feels damaging to my sense of self esteem and ability to feel someone I love actually desires me and wants me.

It is an issue we've had thru the majority of the relationship while living together that has not really changed all that much. I've done what I can to get his interest and to express my needs thru expressing feelings, sharing articles, and getting a book. But nothing really works and I've become resigned to the fact that I will just never get sex as much as I want and that I will always have to ask him or hint that I want sex in order to get it.

Also so you know, him saying yes is dependent on if his stomach is ok since he doesn't have a gallbladder and is on medication for GERD heartburn, if he hasn't had a hard day at work [but most of the time its a hard day at work], if he doesn't have a headache, if all his shows aren't on that nite, if we are alone and not at his parents or anyone else's house, if he isn't tired which he always is. If he can stay awake til midnite which he often cannot. There are so many IF's and limitations that most of the time, it is a No-GO and I get the short end of the stick.

Because I love him, I try to get past this but it sure is frustrating and deflating to any sense of self esteem or desirability factor. I often feel like I am just not good enough, beautiful enough, or sexy enough.

I mainly wrote all this out to vent. Nothing is perfect because we are all human, so we all have our flaws. I just wish sometimes my fiance could see my side of things and see some of the notes I get from favorites here which often make me feel validated and understood, not to mention make me feel my feelings and thoughts are rational. While he often makes me think how I feel is irrational, abnormal and wrong.

Things are just stressful right now with things moving closer and it is high-stress stuff that puts me on edge. It cannot be avoided because I am bipolar but I am doing the best I can. I am venting here so I don't ruin our wedding day.

Sigh :(

Wedding Dilemma (oh no, wedding band is too big!)

guess what? i lost so much weight, it looks like my wedding band is now too big and just falls off my finger. i can barely wear the engagement ring without it moving like its going to fall off but the wedding band is way more loose. don't know if i can do anything. i could wing it for wedding day but worry i could lose it on honeymoon in jamaica if it falls off cos it doesnt fit and ive lost apparent weight. even the alteration lady said you are so tiny, last nite and gathered the fabric of my gown around waist and hips saying she could really see that i had lost substantial weight since i had bought the gown and been measured. i'm glad for weight loss and want to keep it off but what do i do about wedding band being too big? sigh..the wedding dilemmas never end!!

so now this is my latest wedding stressor and worry!!

anyone have any advice or tips? help?!

+++

[note: my engagement ring is a 3.5 and had to be cut that small because i have tiny fingers/ hands in general. the wedding band itself was custom made to a size 4. it was made half a size bigger because when wearing a wider band [this band is considerably wider than the engagement ring i have which is fairly thin], you must always go up a little as it tends to fit more snug than thinner band styles]

so, when i ordered and got the ring after custom made several months ago, it did fit and quite perfectly but i hadn't lost any weight back then. at the end of oct, i had severe stomach pain and sickness that landed me in the ER- it completely altered my metabolism and was stress related. i quit coca cola soda right then. and i haven't gone back. i replaced with gingerale for the soda fix and alternate b/t this and gatorade or water. its been close to two months but not quite, since i ended up in the ER and changed my way of eating [i avoid trigger foods and have cut down drastically on dairy intake which triggers IBS and is my weakness in general- i love sour cream and creamy soups a lot and would often get extra mayo on every sandwich i ate--- but my stomach is unable to digest it and it often makes me sick.]

so, i have limited the amount that i allow myself to have in terms of dairy. i havent given it up completely but i've cut down. i try to have the dairy foods i love, only once a week, whereas before it was everyday or as often as i could possibly have it. this may be partially responsible for my weight loss.

i emailed my father earlier in the nite, to also ask his advice since he was once a jeweler and had a jewelry business [most of my childhood, teenage yrs and adult life] to see what he might suggest. he pretty much suggested what all of my noters suggested which was to get a ring guard so that the ring would properly fit without ruining it or having to alter the size. so, i guess this is what i will do.

+++

ps my fiance and dad both think i shouldn't get the ring resized to a smaller size because they think if i gain a pound or two it will be too tight and then i will be in trouble. while i understand why they may think that, i don't think i will gain enough weight to change in size. i would have to gain all the weight back in order to go up in size. a pound or two would not change my ring size at this point.

i lost enough weight [approx ten pounds] that my ring size isnt just going to go back to what it was and its obvious in all parts of my body.

i know this because i know my body and have been thru this sort of weight loss only less than 10 yrs ago and this weight loss is identical to the effects of that weight loss back then. it was also gradual but surprising in that i went down a few sizes in a matter of months. its identical in that i changed my diet in a very similar way and gave up soda [coke].

i know that if i keep my diet as is [which i intend to do] my weight should consistently stay at where i am at right now which is currently is b/t 98 and 99 pounds.

from past experience, once i changed my diet and gave up soda, lost weight, i stayed that same weight w/o gaining back for over five years straight. my body is predictable and once at a certain weight [under 100], it seems to stay there. its pretty consistent. so, i don't know.

i feel if the ring is still too big after the wedding/honeymoon, or by the new year- i should get it resized to a smaller size.

i am of course willing to get a professional opinion from the jewelry store manager and see if they agree once they see the ring on my finger and see how it is way bigger than my finger was only two mos ago.

jimmy doesn't believe weight loss like mine can make your finger smaller. but i beg to differ! i have been thru this before and i know my body like the back of my hand!

i think he doesnt know the first thing about weight loss or being a woman because i have seen my finger size change and even my shoe size change to a smaller size due to weight loss in my past. it did happen to me previously which is evidence that the same thing has happened again. he was trying to say that that doesn't happen and didn't want to believe me when i said, but it DID happen to me before and it is probable!

i know it does happen. i lost almost ten pounds and i was only a little over one hundred pounds. i am only five foot and am petite + small boned. it isn't my imagination!!

i think by all accounts - losing weight in fingers [its called water weight] is rational if not logical. i got irritated trying to prove to him that yes i have lost weight in my fingers and told him he was ridiculous when he refused to believe it had happened.

MEN!

sigh.

what-ev !

My Aveda Experience: transformative + rejuvenating

I had my salon appt for wedding this weekend and got my hair cut - majorly different and colored. heres a peek of it, but plan to write a fuller entry than this on my aveda salon experience and with a set of better pix. this is just a hint of things :)

Warning: not wearing makeup [foundation concealer ] so skin looks yuck and complexion looks horrible, ugly.

Other than face, my hair came out really beautiful.


I love the new cut with slight layer, its definitely shorter than it was and has more movement, less weighted down. and color came out really nice.

It was a wonderful experience and am thankful to Jimmy who treated me to this.

I have updo and makeup trial next weekend.

I also had my eyebrows waxed which came out nice. My salon stylist was great and I'd definitely go to her again. Her name is Danitza [sp?] and looked of Spanish ethnicity. She was really laid back, calming and nice. She was able to take in my preferences of color via pix and styles as well as add recommendation to a nice look for me [the subtle layers in hair cut]

It was a relaxing experience and of great quality. Best salon experience I've ever had and worth it.

Jimmy made an appt for a hair cut next week during my appt, as it was reasonable and is worth such a nice experience. :)

Hope you enjoy :)

I took a few new pix today when I was out for wedding appts and dressed up, put full makeup on so I could give a better view of how the new cut/ or haircolor look as I felt my face looked horrible in these since I had no concealer or foundation and my complexion looks uneven and splotchy. I hate how the tone looks so weird and looks tan while my neck looks pale...anyway today's pix out, though cold and freezing, came out nice. Will share those at later date :D

Other pix taken directly after aveda salon make-over:

(more later when i find time and energy!)

People Are People.

Diversity is the sometimes painful awareness that other people, other races, other voices, other habits of mind, have as much integrity of being, as much claim on the world as you do. And I urge you, amid all the differences present to the eye and mind, to reach out to create the bond that... will protect us all. We are meant to be here together.

William M. Chase, 1849-1916

American Artist and Teacher

Keith Olbermann's Countdown show with special comment/ speech earlier tonight was just phenomenal, he got all choked up expressing his feelings and in turn I did as well. It was extremely passionate, emotional, and something I too fiercely believe in.

I felt like everything he stated in this is at the core of what I truly believe in. Love is abstract and about the soul, nothing more. Love is Love.


No one has a right [not church, state, or government] to tell any of us who to love. It's not a matter of sex, race, class, or sexual orientation.

Love is unconditional. And every human has the right to love as they choose to do so. I can't say it any better than Keith's heartfelt speech which is NOT to be missed which is why I share it here.


I do not believe in oppression of any kind. At the core of my heart and soul, I believe in the principles Keith SO passionately subscribes to and I truly see myself as someone who thinks and feels very much like Olbermann- I am a humanitarian just like this--

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVUecPhQPqY

---

Afternote and After-thoughts on above:

When Keith Olbermann is moving, he is tremendously inspiring to a point of tears and almost mere breathlessness and when he is sarcastic he is absolutely hilarious and so right-on, that the laughter feels incredibly cathartic.

This was one of the most poignant speeches Ive heard by him, other than ones connected to the loss of lives and tragedy of 9/11 which I still remember to this day, being transfixed to the screen because what he said was so real and so incredibly moving to heart and soul.

These last few months Ive grown addicted and live to hear his show, his commentary, take on things nightly. This is because it is so in line with what I believe and the way I believe. I feel such admiration for he aspires what I aspire to be and is unafraid of speaking out even if it is One voice, alone.

How incredibly noble and brave.

And, what a beautiful soul.

+++

Do people not get that Hate does not equal Love and it certainly is rather hypocritical from the Religious right to condemn? "Do Unto Others As You Would Do Unto Yourself"..."Love your neighbor as Yourself."

Anyone with a solid foundation in organized religion would recall and recognize that the idea that God loves all, is consistently woven in and out of the bible and is at the root of every story, main idea, lesson and testament of the very bible that these ignorant people continue to preach. Since when is spreading hate, ignorance and lies god-like. It is sad that some can be so obviously blind and brain-washed.

That will NEVER be me.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHxGXeyXNnA


I love this Depeche Mode song which takes me back to high school and 16 yrs old. I was a huge DM fan, had everything by them, saw them in concert as a teenager way back when.

I couldn't help but hear this song in my head as I was listening to Olbermann tonight. The core message in Depeche Mode's song really is much like Keith's message tonight.

Full Speed Ahead (thank god for manic energy!)

Like i think everyone is aware of, my life is so unbelievably packed right now with wedding deadlines and an upcoming formal wedding around the corner not to mention that honeymoon we are taking toJamaica only a day or two after our wedding- my mind is completely fragmented + ABSOLUTELY CONSUMED with all of this- SO MUCH SO that I have not enough time, energy, and steam to do much else other than getting this wedding organized and making sure we cover every aspect so as to insure there are no mistakes or fuck ups that would ensure a miserable or otherwise stressful day.

I don't like things being done last minute, or not having any order esp when the pressure is totally ON. In order to cope and survive the stress of big events like this even IF happy, I need things to be organized and tackled in an orderly fashion w/o procrastination. I am so fixated on all this that my mind is forgetful, and Ive put off other things in life by the wayside that I did not mean to.

I need to make my brother allister in Cali a mix cd for his bday last month and send him the card I got him over a month ago. but have been so busy, I keep procrastinating and it keeps slipping my mind.

Must work on this tonite, I feel so bad. Ive just been really overwhelmed with TOO MUCH ON MY PLATE!!! That's prob why at J's work I ended up really trashed on vodka mixed drinks at the happy hr party his coworkers had for the two of us.

Oh I had a great time, I was a little bit too outgoing I think LOL that is I couldn't stop talking and I was pretty manic, life of party personality and think my energy could be felt from miles away. J ended up in separate convos cos I got so immersed in one particular one I was having and he was laughing at me later.

It was way more fun than I had anticipated [typically i hate social events - but if i click with others and have enough alcohol, my mood swings to happy, electrified high energy kind of girl. that is what i was this nite.]

As said last nite, will write on this later tonite or in week. Truly only had a few hrs of sleep today and have wasted half my day cleaning at home and trying to organize our list of wedding tasks and deadlines for this week. that took me several hrs. will write more later. got a few hrs before fiance gets home from work and have some stuff I must attend to which means I need to get offline. will catch up soon, promise! :)

I have so much to do, YES there are deadlines when a wedding is only a few wks, more SO than a few months ago actually and it is OVERWHELMING + I have more trouble coping with overwhelm than the NORMAL person and being manic makes it unbelievably hard to focus, stay centered, and to not wander, get distracted or lose track. I feel pretty scattered with so much in my mind and heart. a mixture of consuming feeling, worry, obsession, anxiety, [no time for depression- thank god!], excitement, anticipation, nostalgia, and growing feeling of closeness and bonding b/t jimmy and i thru this process and utter content [happiness and fulfillment.]

Can u tell i LOVE adjectives and emotions! lol

I think it is going to be a beautiful wedding and the emotions are going to sweep me off my feet.

A few recent self portrait pix I took of myself on my 37th bday on November 1st although I have a series of pix from that evening at a new outdoor mall where I dressed up and also took some couple shots with my fiance.

I thought to share a few of my most recent close up shots because I think I do look different. If I look back to pix from July/August, I think I look more bloated. I feel I look healthier although u can tell I am getting wrinkles around my mouth and I do agonize over seeing this in my pix which is only something Ive recognized in the past few yrs prob due to my real age, smoking, stress, and frowning/getting angry and crying too much in the past!!

I wear my glasses I got earlier this yr, the modern semi-cat shape style librarian mod look/style ones designed by Ralph Lauren. They are beautiful quality glasses but I confess that I really hate the glasses look on myself, but guess I look as good as I can for wearing them.

I prefer contacts all the time but allergies simply dont allow me to wear contacts much anymore so I am stuck with glasses 99 percent of the time. I did buy some new sephora makeup recently so Ive been experimenting with new looks :)

And NOW for something completely different--

NOW, this is what I call creative. I was completely thrilled with this oh so cool message that I found on flickr's blog. Here is the message they put together, found it so awesome!

Why couldn't I be this creative? Luv this message

November 6, 2008

A message for Obama

“What do you want to say to Obama, now that he’s about to become President of the US? A greeting? A warning? Some sage (or silly) advice? An idea? Hold up your message to the camera and tell the world what you’d like to tell him.” — A message for Obama

What’s your message?

Photos from happeningfish, gilest, and annavanna

Four Green Fields.

this was written on 11.07.08

The coworker get-together bash for the two of us was held only blocks from the private University my fiance works at, at a little Irish pub and restaurant known as Four Green Fields.

I ended up drinking and getting a bit too drunk- after 1 and a half drinks [screwdriver]- the coworkers were laughing at me because I was drunk with hardly any alcohol in my system and I ended up having to get Jimmy to ask everyone around us if they had a piece of gum to spare before I passed out. They were laughing with me.

I laughed expressing if I do not smoke while drinking, I cannot handle my liquor very well. All around, I had an absolutely delightful time and it was great fun. Jimmy's worries were quickly put to rest. He had asked me earlier in the week if I was going to make effort to talk and socialize with the others. I said, yeah, if we have something in common LOL

Well, turns out I had absolutely no trouble socializing and this was one of those nite where my manic personality took over. It's hard to explain but when mentally stimulated with deep and fulfilling conversation, I become very extroverted and any shyness flies out the door and drinking increases this heavily.

If you didn't know me, (and only knew me via my words via blog/email) you would never ever guess that I am an extremely shy person frightened and panicked by the prospect of socializing and one who seeks to go to great lengths to avoid social situations which at times makes it seem as though I am excessively antisocial and isolated. I frequently cling to avoidant behavior when it comes to socializing in fact.

The strangest thing is that I have two different personalities, and can swing from social to antisocial depending on mood. There is usually no rhyme or reason. The right vibe, atmosphere, feeling of connection with others can produce the opposite personality [highly social, non stop talking, exuding vibrance and bursting with joy - easily amused, entertained and also perceived by others as very likeable and charismatic]

It is the opposite of what I seem to project to the world on a daily basis, more often than not. The duality and contradiction in this is still something I am not able to entirely grasp or understand at this point in my life.

I had a great venting session with those around [more on this later] as everyone there was for Obama and thrilled that he was elected and were all actually very supportive of me when I shared my upset that day [in regard to being attacked over my support of Obama from fellow Mccain supporters "online" by an ignorant stranger calling himself OLD HIPPIE]

So, I found an outlet and a way to get it out [as I was highly tense, agitated and stressed over these people's comments on viewpoints] although I feel a bit embarrassed I went on and on about it. To a point of excessive ranting but I felt the person I was speaking to truly understood my frustration, why I was so upset and how I felt attacked, and at the core totally misunderstood by these random strangers who were positively some of the most ignorant people I have encountered but not unlike all those mccain supporters who showed true disrespect towards Mccain when he made his concession by loudly booing and showing what sore pathetic losers they all were.

Anyway, the site this verbal altercation occurred on was 'viewpoints' and i quickly wrote head of site to take down my profile and all my writing promptly as i wanted to permanently cancel my existence/membership there and felt the site was slanted to the conservative side and not very open to liberal ideas and suddenly felt like i was in some cult. when you think of the net, viewpoints on film/music, i would think it highly likely that there would be many liberal minded people and at very least a balance of both sides but every where i turned i started to notice conservative extreme republican- one after the other and very ignorant minded, judgemental. This situation had me SO worked up and tho it is only a website, it bothered me deeply. the person totally attacked me for writing an inspiring piece on the election and made fun of my ideals/beliefs. I still feel upset over it, but I will somehow get over it, I guess. I won't be writing there anymore I guess. It's too bad, but I cant really afford the anxiety right now, right before our wedding.

I hit it off really well right off the bat with one of the guys at the Irish pub co-worker party whom Jimmy works with who is a great deal older than us, and shared with me that his wife was a mixture of many ethncities including the fact that her mother was Japanese [it made me think of myself since I am half filipino].

His name was John and he was white and works in the IT department at Jimmy's work. He was maybe ten yrs or more older than I was but we got along really well as we shared similar love of film [magnolia, vanilla sky, matchpoint] and political views as well. He also had very similar taste in film directors as my fiance so that was another common thread since I am very influenced by my fiance's most inspiring film makers. These are Woody Allen and Stanley Kubric.

That was a great convo that went on for a few hours. I don't know because I got so caught up in it all that I lost track of time as i always do when I get immersed into anything. Its almost like my mania and obsession with whatever I am immersed in comes out full fledged and completely takes over me. I cannot control it.

My excitement, enthusiasm, and vibrance are all accelerated the more I talk and the more I share and the more I connect with someone else outside of my actual daily life. I thrive on this kind of mental stimulation to the highest intensity.

I think my fiance was shocked [as well as everyone there, there were about 15 or so there] at the amount I talked. I was nonstop and felt there was just NOT enough time to talk about everything that interests and consumes me and could have gone on all nite to any one that would have listened or contributed to the conversation at hand. There was never a silent moment, and I never ran out of things to say as I usually never do when I am at this point of stimulated and deep conversation with someone new.

When I drink and I click with someone, the conversation possiblities are endless. I could talk all nite and I become hyper like the way a little child does when they've been running around playing in the park or at the playground. Just completely giddy with life. I can't help it but I love that aspect of my personality and most people respond positively to my energy because it is just contagious.

I think I talked everyone out of the bar that nite. and we were the last ones to leave at after 8pm because everybody had to get going and I probably wore them out [well maybe not, but u know, im quite an exuberant personality when in the right frame of mind] LOL..

Unfortunately we were so busy having fun, I didn't even have the opportunity to get any pix which is SO unusual for me esp since I always have my camera on me and since no one else took pix and I was having too much fun, life of the party, distracted by the noisy bar at happy hour. I hardly had time to think let alone remember to record the event for keepsaking memory sake!

Oh well :( I suppose I'd rather have had a fun stimulating experience then a bunch of pix because I was too bored or uncomfortable to socialize or get anyone at a party that was held in honor of us!

[pic of flyer sent to coworkers from Jimmy for us]

Where I'm At (a refutation of time + space)

As everyone is aware my wedding is quickly approaching - a matter of weeks- and I am up to my eyeballs in to do lists, projected things that must be completed before the BIG wedding day which will be rolling around thanksgiving weekend. Not to mention finalizing ALL remaining unfinished things, tying up loose ends, and the WORKS.

I've got two salon appts for professional Aveda hair cut and color and eyebrow waxing appt, as well as trial run of updo formal bridal hairstyle and experiment of make up look for wedding day as well.

Trust me, we have so much i couldn't possibly explain. I also have two more alteration appts and it is an hour away to drive there and can only be done on wkdays- in the next two or three wks. plus have to meet with cake person, caterer, wedding chapel wedding planner, and minister sometimes before wedding in ADDITION to everything i have just mentioned and i know i AM indeed forgetting something else important but trying to think of it all makes my asthma worse and tightens my chest so I will save it for later LOL

I want to write a review of things bordering on current to nostalgia but time is NOT on my side. So this little teaser entry with a few pix of my desk top where I have my computer and office - where I type my diary entries and go to write online or to simply surf the net.

I love little vibrant knick knacks that give hints of my personality. I think even this tiny background on my desk shelf top [which isn't even a photo of the entire area] does a good job of showing something of my own personality here :)

Til I can share our wedding shower pix and more current things - please enjoy these few i took with very cute quirky and unique cake topper we got from the shower j's mom threw us and the whipcreamed publix cake she got us which was absol. delcious. will refresh everyone on shower when i actually do post all the pix from that day which took place at the beginning of last month. i had over a hundred pix and so that is why i havent had enough time to pull an entry to share these pix. i do prefer putting my real pix in the real entry rather than giving out links. i feel that impersonal and most people do not have time to click on a link of someone's random pix LOL Id rather share directly, as I go, so that is how I do it here!

So here you go!

The cake topper from shower cake- thought it was cute so placed it on my desk top of computer with all other knick knacks, came out adorable-

More Bridal Shower Pix from October, in a future entry when I find adequate time.

Stay tuned for this---

By the way, I've had very little time for anything aside from getting ready for our wedding this month. Sorry I am behind on everything!!!

More soon!

+++

Note to fiance + my self (for wedding):

I prob forgot other things but that is what is in my head and to keep from becoming scattered, more stressed, OR to avoid screwing our wedding up, I feel it necessary to list things that has to be done this week right now so u can refresh your mind and realize the place where are at. and so u can organize your own order of things in your own list at your work desk or at home.

I am calling attention to all things needed to work on in regard to wedding as well as other current things in life.

I have tried to stay focused and to the point. My list is under ten items we need to focus on. I think I did a good job of keeping it simple!

1. Our Photo collage

Reminder : decide on photo collage, the one I created expires soon- I think this week.

So, we should finish our Wedding Reception Photo Collage by tomorrow, but think we should work on it some tonite and finalize the photos we will use and order it ASAP. I do not know how long it takes to make and print and we want to have enough time for it to arrive, in case something was wrong with it and it had to be returned and because we will need to also buy a frame to frame it in appropriate for a wedding!

Just a heads up on something I meant for us to do last wkend that we forgot about, Also we need to contact the minister today and ask when the LATEST is for him to have our vows and what he precisely needs so we can check it OFF our list and have less stress!!!

2. Head count finalized by tomorrow.

3. Final choice of music and finding out parents choice dance songs with us by tomorrow or mid week.

4. Order Floating Candles via website

5. Call Minister, send our vows today IF we have what he needs right now!!!! We need to get all of this done so we can start making a wedding program roughdraft in order to get those printed SOON otherwise we are going to run out of time. We only have a few wks til our wedding left, time is getting very very tight. Need to tie up these tiny but intricate loose ends to keep everything organized and to have a stress free wedding week and day!!

Here is a copy and paste of those wedding vows, you need to send off to Minister, don't send til u are sure we are providing him with everything he needed though. This is why you should really CALL him today so we can get to the direct point of things, finish it, and get it out of the way. the more we get done, the less stress there will be.

Being pro-active eliminates DOUBLE or TRIPLE work, and makes things go smoothly, eliminating unnecessary stress.

If all he needs are these vows I have had for six months typed already and you have had a copy in your email box for same amount of time, then we could have sent this months ago and saved ourselves wasted time, energy and additional stress. Just a siggestion.

The less you procrastinate, the easier everything is. It is the way I operate when I feel overwhelmed by too many things and too much stress. I find it very helpful and recommend my advice to you because it really really works!

For Wedding Ceremony- from book, these are the ones I liked most:

WEDDING VOW

[below is my most favorite and only favorite as there was nothing else to me that was as beautiful as the one below. this particular vow is probably a fairly traditional style of wedding vow but i prefer this one the most out of everything because all the words are completely indicative of what marriage and love should include and involve.]

I, Jimmy, take you, April, to be my partner in life./ I promise to walk by your side forever,/ and to love, help and encourage you/ in all you do./ I will take time to talk with you,/ listen to you,/ and to care for you./ I will share your laughter and your tears/ as your partner, lover, and best friend./ Everything I am and everything I have is yours/ now and forevermore.

I, April, give myself to you, Jimmy,/ on this our wedding day./ I will cherish our friendship,/ and love you today, tomorrow and forever./ I will trust you and honor you./ I will love you faithfully/ through the best and worst,/through the difficult and the easy./ What may come, I will be there always./ As I have given you my hand to hold,/ so I give you my life to keep.

Ring Exchange Vows [either number one or two]:

1. April, this ring is a token of my love./ I marry you with this ring,/ with all that I have and all that I am.

Jimmy, I will forever wear this ring/ as a sign of my commitment/ and the desire of my heart.

OR-

2. You are more precious to me today than yesterday,/ and you will be more cherished tomorrow than you are today./ Please wear this ring/ as a symbol of my eternal love for you,/ a love that transcends all of our yesterdays,/ all of our todays,/ and all of our tomorrows.

Prayers/Blessings [i think Jimmy preferred no. one and thought the second one was a little tacky]

1. May God bless you with Hope enough to keep sunshine in your love, and Fear enough to keep you holding hands in the dark; Unity enough to keep your roots entwined, and Separation enough to keep you reaching for each other; Harmony enough to keep romance in your song, and Discord enough to keep you tuning your love so it becomes sweet music to all who may hear it.

OR-

2. May these two rings symbolize the spirit of undying love in each of your hearts. Wherever you go, may you always return to one another in your togetherness. May the home you establish be such a place of peace and joy that many will find there a friend. May your love for each other be as a pebble dropped in a pond of water. Like the ripples in the water that cross and recross one another's, may your love touch and retouch all those around you throughout your life together.

+++

6. Go to get your famous footwear shoes, decide on Best Buy groomsmen lunchbox/dvd gifts same day

Go to sephora BEFORE wed. of this week to pick up bday free gift, also look for bridesmaid something unique in price range for shannon and jenni while we are at sephora. Look at Ban. Republic + American Eagle, Limited, Express at THAT mall to make sure they do not have a better sweater for wedding gown day that I can buy or any sales on same day. if Nothing, go to Gap in same mall to buy sweater I wanted and use 15 dollar off coupon towards that purchase.

7. Lenscrafters:

Remember have to pick up clear contacts this week also. I do not know when but that's in countryside mall, at latest should get by weekend.

8. Use Michael's coupon this week to get discount and buy what is needed towards wedding, some butterflies to bring to put on floral at wedding, maybe??

Making A Quick Appearance - Wedding Weeks Away!

been struggling with asthma [the on and off hot and cold weather triggers it, it seems] and lately the daytime upon awaking is a struggle, and then by nitetime it returns forcefully so i cannot sleep or do anything with much focus. i am dropping off my prescription for rescue inhaler tomorrow as my advair seems to be doing close to nothing in preventing a feeling, uprising of asthma attack.]

other than that, still susceptible to IBS, stomach sickness attacks. doesn't seem i can control or predict it and happens at least once to two times a week. it wears me out. other than that i've just been completely swamped, our wedding is only weeks away and our entire weekend was comprised of wedding oriented meetings, goals, and chores. we've got a lot done but still so much more to go. i'm afraid the rest of this month is going to be packed this way if NOT more packed than this, as it comes closer, so i will not be able to keep up regularly on diary reading and noting but will when i find moments of spare time and/or energy to do so. i also have a LOT i still want to share in here in regard to what we have been up to and am so behind that i don't know where to begin. i just haven't had time to write here. i really want to though and am going to first thing when my asthma lets up a bit and ive had a good nite sleep.

we did have a wonderful and full weekend with lots of exciting things happening-- i started writing about this in a roughdraft entry but haven't finished. i also have lots of pix from the past month to share, bridal shower, my birthday pix and more details on that day/ bday gifts etc. [november 1st] as well as a host of many things i am eager to write about when i get the time to do so!!!

other things to write about:

1. last wk's bridal gown alteration appt [have another alteration appt on the 17th, then believe it or not, another appt before my wedding day - that means four separate alteration appts TOTAL in this month alone. they said the beading and applique work is so intricate that it is a harder job than most and cannot be done that easily] jimmy got me some new sketchers at an outlet when he got himself some for work. they are really cute [pix later]

2. we had our appt for our marriage license [really meaningful for both of us and bonding with our love] + then right after raced to make it in time to a mini party with j's coworkers at an irish bar near his work. that was this past friday. it was a really great day and FULL day. that's why ive not been able to write. every day since friday has been so full of NON stop things to do, that I have not had time to go online or log on. I haven't even hardly been home and usually have been so exhausted by the time I am here again, that I just want to relax or go to bed, not look at any computer screens LOL i have begun a full emotional entry on my friday in a private entry but its merely a roughdraft right now, and also about the mini happy hour get together we had with his coworkers which was a blast. i think this was one of those nites that i was totally socially "ON" which is unusual since a lot of the time i am reclusive/shy. i think i was pretty manic that nite but i had a blast and it was exhilirating/ lots of fun, more on this tomorrow!

3. life is full, but life is GOOD :)

4. must write all about my special birthday weekend a few wks ago [nov 1st] which was also a memorable day/nite. i didn't get to write about the best part of it or the birthday shopping i did and the gifts i got but i will this week and ive got some nice pix to share as well - later [maybe tomorrow] we checked out the grandopening of a brand new luxurious outdoor mall called wiregrass on the outskirts of my city, newly built and elaborate, beautiful landscape. got some pix, that was my bday nite. again, ive been meaning to write on all this but i just havent had enough time or energy as of late so i am lagging way behind in everything in my life esp writing and keeping up here, sorry!

5. macy's - best buy shopping/ jimmy's present for my birthday, new music etc.

6. latest favorite documentary/ indie film- inspirational, must see- write on this later.

7. ordered clear contacts for my upcoming wedding

8. specialty m and m favors arrived, pretty. more gifts and favors for wedding bought and received by mail.

9. spent all saturday making playlists on notebook for wedding reception based on my taste, j's taste and the two of our taste since dating which is unique in music style. we got sucked up into this, excited and immersed in it all. more on this and the choices later in the week, still a work in progress but it IS going to be cool.

want to share with everyone his song to me or our couple dance will be absolutely beautiful. i will write about it and the artist/title later when i write about this entire topic. i will also share the song via music site or something. i can't wait to share but not right now, as i don't have enough time and need sleep!!

9. laurie fruitcake/nutcase florist contradictive behavior, final meeting sunday, and finally HOPE she is out of our lives after this meeting and out of our hair so we can breathe w/o stress before our actual wedding. our meeting yesterday.

10. new dilemma for wedding gown, temp. change with colder weather ensures i need to find a sweater or jacket. spent all day looking. hard to match ivory gown, that is formal couture and be able to afford it on my near to nothing budget. think i will find a beautiful knit neutral colored sweater in those 70's style knits that are out this season and are one of my fave trends and i have seen several i want right now. am considering GAP even though its 78 bucks for the one im looking at. i have a coupon so may get that this week when i take a trip back to the mall. i searched all over and it was the best possibility.

11. one good thing tho despite all stress, ive managed to stay off coca cola entirely since the ER visit, i only drink gingerale or gatoraid currently. and ive lost more weight in the past week and since i last posted pix. not a lot but enough to notice it now, ive lost a size or two in my waist/hips. its become more noticeable in a flattering way. i am pretty happy about that.

i now weigh 98.

after florist appt yesterday- i had fun trying on clothes, even more since ive lost weight and it really showed this wkend in the dressing room. i couldn't believe it when i tried on a gorgeous strapless little black dress at Express in a size zero and it fit perfectly. [i haven't been able to wear that size in a few years now since i had gained weight. guess i really have lost a substantial amount. that makes me so happy!]

i will elaborate on above top eleven things i mentioned in my summarized list of latest stuff i want to write more on--- hopefully when later on today or later tonite. after ive slept and caught up on some energy AND hopefully after this asthma feeling has lifted some. it feels like my chest/lungs are being crushed. i absolutely hate this and have felt this way on and off for a few wks now but its been more severe since feeling upset by some ignorant person on friday [a stranger] which is not worth going into because it just makes my asthma worse, and accelerated anxiety/agitation and pissed off feelings that i need to stay away from.

below are some recent photos at the end of October prior to my bday- I weighed around 101 pounds there and it was after I first lost weight after being in the ER for stomach problems stress related- more than likely. Before the ER sickness, i was b/t 107 and 110 pounds.

these are my latest pix upon visiting my parents which I am pretty proud of :)

More pix when I have more time and more on what is currently going on or what we've been up to lately or have accomplished in regard to our wedding which is this month.

marriage + changing your name

next, i get the joy and stress of doing all appropriate forms needed in order to change my name . it is SO confusing that i feel overwhelmed. i hope its as simple as showing one certified marriage license copy [once minister and witnesses sign license after marriage next week and we turn it in to get official copy of marriage license thru state/govt or whatever] anyone who is married know how this works? advice so very welcome!!!

For those unaware, i get married next week day after thanksgiving so everything is FAST approaching and i am a NERVOUS WRECK right now with so much on my mind!!!

This "name change thing" is something ive actually felt great worry, anxiety and stress over.

It came up after we went to the court to get our marriage license and later that nite jimmy turned to me and said, so does your name just change by itself or do you have to go to court or get a lawyer to change it??

I was instantly overwhelmed when he said this as i had not thought that far or read anything on it so i felt completely in the dark and i was confused, not remembering what was done. this is my second marriage so i have gone thru this process once before but that was back in 1996 and things have sure changed where half my fiance's friends wives keep their name and refuse to change to the male name. I am more old fashioned however and like the idea of changing my name to my new husband's surname. not to mention, i still have my first husband's last name so it would feel good and proper to change that name to my new husband's last name.

In any case, all i recall is sending a certified copy of license to social security [or going in] and driver license office but other than that, i don't recall doing anything else and i dont know if things have changed so drastically that its no longer this way. Anyone know? those married recently in last five yrs or those aquainted with family or friends newly married?

Thanks, ahead of time. any help would be greatly appreciated and would majorly reduce the anxiety and worry i feel over this right now!!!