Where I'm At (a refutation of time + space)

As everyone is aware my wedding is quickly approaching - a matter of weeks- and I am up to my eyeballs in to do lists, projected things that must be completed before the BIG wedding day which will be rolling around thanksgiving weekend. Not to mention finalizing ALL remaining unfinished things, tying up loose ends, and the WORKS.

I've got two salon appts for professional Aveda hair cut and color and eyebrow waxing appt, as well as trial run of updo formal bridal hairstyle and experiment of make up look for wedding day as well.

Trust me, we have so much i couldn't possibly explain. I also have two more alteration appts and it is an hour away to drive there and can only be done on wkdays- in the next two or three wks. plus have to meet with cake person, caterer, wedding chapel wedding planner, and minister sometimes before wedding in ADDITION to everything i have just mentioned and i know i AM indeed forgetting something else important but trying to think of it all makes my asthma worse and tightens my chest so I will save it for later LOL

I want to write a review of things bordering on current to nostalgia but time is NOT on my side. So this little teaser entry with a few pix of my desk top where I have my computer and office - where I type my diary entries and go to write online or to simply surf the net.

I love little vibrant knick knacks that give hints of my personality. I think even this tiny background on my desk shelf top [which isn't even a photo of the entire area] does a good job of showing something of my own personality here :)

Til I can share our wedding shower pix and more current things - please enjoy these few i took with very cute quirky and unique cake topper we got from the shower j's mom threw us and the whipcreamed publix cake she got us which was absol. delcious. will refresh everyone on shower when i actually do post all the pix from that day which took place at the beginning of last month. i had over a hundred pix and so that is why i havent had enough time to pull an entry to share these pix. i do prefer putting my real pix in the real entry rather than giving out links. i feel that impersonal and most people do not have time to click on a link of someone's random pix LOL Id rather share directly, as I go, so that is how I do it here!

So here you go!

The cake topper from shower cake- thought it was cute so placed it on my desk top of computer with all other knick knacks, came out adorable-

More Bridal Shower Pix from October, in a future entry when I find adequate time.

Stay tuned for this---

By the way, I've had very little time for anything aside from getting ready for our wedding this month. Sorry I am behind on everything!!!

More soon!

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Note to fiance + my self (for wedding):

I prob forgot other things but that is what is in my head and to keep from becoming scattered, more stressed, OR to avoid screwing our wedding up, I feel it necessary to list things that has to be done this week right now so u can refresh your mind and realize the place where are at. and so u can organize your own order of things in your own list at your work desk or at home.

I am calling attention to all things needed to work on in regard to wedding as well as other current things in life.

I have tried to stay focused and to the point. My list is under ten items we need to focus on. I think I did a good job of keeping it simple!

1. Our Photo collage

Reminder : decide on photo collage, the one I created expires soon- I think this week.

So, we should finish our Wedding Reception Photo Collage by tomorrow, but think we should work on it some tonite and finalize the photos we will use and order it ASAP. I do not know how long it takes to make and print and we want to have enough time for it to arrive, in case something was wrong with it and it had to be returned and because we will need to also buy a frame to frame it in appropriate for a wedding!

Just a heads up on something I meant for us to do last wkend that we forgot about, Also we need to contact the minister today and ask when the LATEST is for him to have our vows and what he precisely needs so we can check it OFF our list and have less stress!!!

2. Head count finalized by tomorrow.

3. Final choice of music and finding out parents choice dance songs with us by tomorrow or mid week.

4. Order Floating Candles via website

5. Call Minister, send our vows today IF we have what he needs right now!!!! We need to get all of this done so we can start making a wedding program roughdraft in order to get those printed SOON otherwise we are going to run out of time. We only have a few wks til our wedding left, time is getting very very tight. Need to tie up these tiny but intricate loose ends to keep everything organized and to have a stress free wedding week and day!!

Here is a copy and paste of those wedding vows, you need to send off to Minister, don't send til u are sure we are providing him with everything he needed though. This is why you should really CALL him today so we can get to the direct point of things, finish it, and get it out of the way. the more we get done, the less stress there will be.

Being pro-active eliminates DOUBLE or TRIPLE work, and makes things go smoothly, eliminating unnecessary stress.

If all he needs are these vows I have had for six months typed already and you have had a copy in your email box for same amount of time, then we could have sent this months ago and saved ourselves wasted time, energy and additional stress. Just a siggestion.

The less you procrastinate, the easier everything is. It is the way I operate when I feel overwhelmed by too many things and too much stress. I find it very helpful and recommend my advice to you because it really really works!

For Wedding Ceremony- from book, these are the ones I liked most:

WEDDING VOW

[below is my most favorite and only favorite as there was nothing else to me that was as beautiful as the one below. this particular vow is probably a fairly traditional style of wedding vow but i prefer this one the most out of everything because all the words are completely indicative of what marriage and love should include and involve.]

I, Jimmy, take you, April, to be my partner in life./ I promise to walk by your side forever,/ and to love, help and encourage you/ in all you do./ I will take time to talk with you,/ listen to you,/ and to care for you./ I will share your laughter and your tears/ as your partner, lover, and best friend./ Everything I am and everything I have is yours/ now and forevermore.

I, April, give myself to you, Jimmy,/ on this our wedding day./ I will cherish our friendship,/ and love you today, tomorrow and forever./ I will trust you and honor you./ I will love you faithfully/ through the best and worst,/through the difficult and the easy./ What may come, I will be there always./ As I have given you my hand to hold,/ so I give you my life to keep.

Ring Exchange Vows [either number one or two]:

1. April, this ring is a token of my love./ I marry you with this ring,/ with all that I have and all that I am.

Jimmy, I will forever wear this ring/ as a sign of my commitment/ and the desire of my heart.

OR-

2. You are more precious to me today than yesterday,/ and you will be more cherished tomorrow than you are today./ Please wear this ring/ as a symbol of my eternal love for you,/ a love that transcends all of our yesterdays,/ all of our todays,/ and all of our tomorrows.

Prayers/Blessings [i think Jimmy preferred no. one and thought the second one was a little tacky]

1. May God bless you with Hope enough to keep sunshine in your love, and Fear enough to keep you holding hands in the dark; Unity enough to keep your roots entwined, and Separation enough to keep you reaching for each other; Harmony enough to keep romance in your song, and Discord enough to keep you tuning your love so it becomes sweet music to all who may hear it.

OR-

2. May these two rings symbolize the spirit of undying love in each of your hearts. Wherever you go, may you always return to one another in your togetherness. May the home you establish be such a place of peace and joy that many will find there a friend. May your love for each other be as a pebble dropped in a pond of water. Like the ripples in the water that cross and recross one another's, may your love touch and retouch all those around you throughout your life together.

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6. Go to get your famous footwear shoes, decide on Best Buy groomsmen lunchbox/dvd gifts same day

Go to sephora BEFORE wed. of this week to pick up bday free gift, also look for bridesmaid something unique in price range for shannon and jenni while we are at sephora. Look at Ban. Republic + American Eagle, Limited, Express at THAT mall to make sure they do not have a better sweater for wedding gown day that I can buy or any sales on same day. if Nothing, go to Gap in same mall to buy sweater I wanted and use 15 dollar off coupon towards that purchase.

7. Lenscrafters:

Remember have to pick up clear contacts this week also. I do not know when but that's in countryside mall, at latest should get by weekend.

8. Use Michael's coupon this week to get discount and buy what is needed towards wedding, some butterflies to bring to put on floral at wedding, maybe??

Making A Quick Appearance - Wedding Weeks Away!

been struggling with asthma [the on and off hot and cold weather triggers it, it seems] and lately the daytime upon awaking is a struggle, and then by nitetime it returns forcefully so i cannot sleep or do anything with much focus. i am dropping off my prescription for rescue inhaler tomorrow as my advair seems to be doing close to nothing in preventing a feeling, uprising of asthma attack.]

other than that, still susceptible to IBS, stomach sickness attacks. doesn't seem i can control or predict it and happens at least once to two times a week. it wears me out. other than that i've just been completely swamped, our wedding is only weeks away and our entire weekend was comprised of wedding oriented meetings, goals, and chores. we've got a lot done but still so much more to go. i'm afraid the rest of this month is going to be packed this way if NOT more packed than this, as it comes closer, so i will not be able to keep up regularly on diary reading and noting but will when i find moments of spare time and/or energy to do so. i also have a LOT i still want to share in here in regard to what we have been up to and am so behind that i don't know where to begin. i just haven't had time to write here. i really want to though and am going to first thing when my asthma lets up a bit and ive had a good nite sleep.

we did have a wonderful and full weekend with lots of exciting things happening-- i started writing about this in a roughdraft entry but haven't finished. i also have lots of pix from the past month to share, bridal shower, my birthday pix and more details on that day/ bday gifts etc. [november 1st] as well as a host of many things i am eager to write about when i get the time to do so!!!

other things to write about:

1. last wk's bridal gown alteration appt [have another alteration appt on the 17th, then believe it or not, another appt before my wedding day - that means four separate alteration appts TOTAL in this month alone. they said the beading and applique work is so intricate that it is a harder job than most and cannot be done that easily] jimmy got me some new sketchers at an outlet when he got himself some for work. they are really cute [pix later]

2. we had our appt for our marriage license [really meaningful for both of us and bonding with our love] + then right after raced to make it in time to a mini party with j's coworkers at an irish bar near his work. that was this past friday. it was a really great day and FULL day. that's why ive not been able to write. every day since friday has been so full of NON stop things to do, that I have not had time to go online or log on. I haven't even hardly been home and usually have been so exhausted by the time I am here again, that I just want to relax or go to bed, not look at any computer screens LOL i have begun a full emotional entry on my friday in a private entry but its merely a roughdraft right now, and also about the mini happy hour get together we had with his coworkers which was a blast. i think this was one of those nites that i was totally socially "ON" which is unusual since a lot of the time i am reclusive/shy. i think i was pretty manic that nite but i had a blast and it was exhilirating/ lots of fun, more on this tomorrow!

3. life is full, but life is GOOD :)

4. must write all about my special birthday weekend a few wks ago [nov 1st] which was also a memorable day/nite. i didn't get to write about the best part of it or the birthday shopping i did and the gifts i got but i will this week and ive got some nice pix to share as well - later [maybe tomorrow] we checked out the grandopening of a brand new luxurious outdoor mall called wiregrass on the outskirts of my city, newly built and elaborate, beautiful landscape. got some pix, that was my bday nite. again, ive been meaning to write on all this but i just havent had enough time or energy as of late so i am lagging way behind in everything in my life esp writing and keeping up here, sorry!

5. macy's - best buy shopping/ jimmy's present for my birthday, new music etc.

6. latest favorite documentary/ indie film- inspirational, must see- write on this later.

7. ordered clear contacts for my upcoming wedding

8. specialty m and m favors arrived, pretty. more gifts and favors for wedding bought and received by mail.

9. spent all saturday making playlists on notebook for wedding reception based on my taste, j's taste and the two of our taste since dating which is unique in music style. we got sucked up into this, excited and immersed in it all. more on this and the choices later in the week, still a work in progress but it IS going to be cool.

want to share with everyone his song to me or our couple dance will be absolutely beautiful. i will write about it and the artist/title later when i write about this entire topic. i will also share the song via music site or something. i can't wait to share but not right now, as i don't have enough time and need sleep!!

9. laurie fruitcake/nutcase florist contradictive behavior, final meeting sunday, and finally HOPE she is out of our lives after this meeting and out of our hair so we can breathe w/o stress before our actual wedding. our meeting yesterday.

10. new dilemma for wedding gown, temp. change with colder weather ensures i need to find a sweater or jacket. spent all day looking. hard to match ivory gown, that is formal couture and be able to afford it on my near to nothing budget. think i will find a beautiful knit neutral colored sweater in those 70's style knits that are out this season and are one of my fave trends and i have seen several i want right now. am considering GAP even though its 78 bucks for the one im looking at. i have a coupon so may get that this week when i take a trip back to the mall. i searched all over and it was the best possibility.

11. one good thing tho despite all stress, ive managed to stay off coca cola entirely since the ER visit, i only drink gingerale or gatoraid currently. and ive lost more weight in the past week and since i last posted pix. not a lot but enough to notice it now, ive lost a size or two in my waist/hips. its become more noticeable in a flattering way. i am pretty happy about that.

i now weigh 98.

after florist appt yesterday- i had fun trying on clothes, even more since ive lost weight and it really showed this wkend in the dressing room. i couldn't believe it when i tried on a gorgeous strapless little black dress at Express in a size zero and it fit perfectly. [i haven't been able to wear that size in a few years now since i had gained weight. guess i really have lost a substantial amount. that makes me so happy!]

i will elaborate on above top eleven things i mentioned in my summarized list of latest stuff i want to write more on--- hopefully when later on today or later tonite. after ive slept and caught up on some energy AND hopefully after this asthma feeling has lifted some. it feels like my chest/lungs are being crushed. i absolutely hate this and have felt this way on and off for a few wks now but its been more severe since feeling upset by some ignorant person on friday [a stranger] which is not worth going into because it just makes my asthma worse, and accelerated anxiety/agitation and pissed off feelings that i need to stay away from.

below are some recent photos at the end of October prior to my bday- I weighed around 101 pounds there and it was after I first lost weight after being in the ER for stomach problems stress related- more than likely. Before the ER sickness, i was b/t 107 and 110 pounds.

these are my latest pix upon visiting my parents which I am pretty proud of :)

More pix when I have more time and more on what is currently going on or what we've been up to lately or have accomplished in regard to our wedding which is this month.

foundations + revelations- [nostalgic moment]

i was feeling rather nostalgic, last nite and so i started tripping back down thru memory lane. i always go back to the beginning of the foundation of things. my origins. this time i found myself tripping back to the start of my relationship with jimmy which formed back in 2006. he is now the man i will marry in the next month.

once i started reading, i couldn't stop. pretty soon i was hit full-on with the emotions, like i was back in that place and it was 2006 again. a barrage of feeling- giddy-ness, happy and excited, full of desire, want and need, yet always analytical, insecure, anxious. i tried to remain hopeful whenever i wrote about him and the possibility of love and a future because i felt it was the only way to go.

these two entries i will repost and share here really do preserve a moment in time that covers everything from what was happening in both of our lives to music and film, and significant markers of that time period and when we first found each other and love was an adventure, very terrifying because i could really lose and i had been emotionally 'totalled' and shattered with the last hand ful of men i had been with. wasn't sure this falling thru would not be the final end of me. meaning - i'd been broken into pieces so many times by men, i feared that this failing would break me forever and would kill me. if it ended badly. i think he was always aware of this aspect of my fragile personality- its evident by the way he took care of me and by the words i spoke of him.

i shared this with him today. and he just called me on the phone to tell me, thank you, and that he had read it, and it was really nice. he told me he was almost unable to get thru the entire thing without breaking into tears. he was not able to go into great detail but i felt from his few words he was moved. he told me it was emotional and he felt it, and remembered all of it too. he didn't give much insight into his thoughts but he did emphasize several times, it made me, you made me feel really good - really good about myself. so i know that it moved the way i wanted it to move within him.

reading and remembering, feeling it all, well that was a precious gift and i felt an abundance of feeling when reading my own words, it was so touching and sweet. i felt the best gift would be to give him my words and my heart. in essence it was all there. if love wasn't evident back then, i don't know what was.

after reading the initial first thoughts uncensored from my own diary, i am sure he realizes now the importance of words and the memories that they form and what it really means to me, to write, record, and immortalize those feelings, memories, experiences - forever.

i am sure after i shared my heart with jimmy, there is absolutely no doubt in him that i've always seen the good in him and that all the key things i wrote about back then were the things that built the love i feel for him now.

foundations are important. we must not ever forget.

my email to him below:

Hi sweetie-

[prelude to what I am sharing with you and what it entails is below - please read on, thanks!]

In retrospect, I was looking back at things I wrote when we first began dating. I came across my first two entries about you when we began seeing each other. They are very telling about the way I felt and thought back then, my fears, worries, insecurities are also very clear, things I didn't openly admit to you.

The way I write is the way I think/feel in a relationship. I am much more open about my emotions and feelings with you NOW but that is because I feel there is security in the relationship now, but back then and for a long time [prior to living together], I didn't because I didn't really know where I really stood with you therefore my security in the relat. was not very solid and I was scared/anxious most of the time esp. previous to asking you if you loved me and to tell me if you did or not etc. [approx over 9 mos into relationship]

These two entries [medium length, not in depth or long] should not make you uncomfortable. I think it shows my heart, that it shows the way I am deeply nostalgic, the way I care, and also I feel it is sweet, it reveals thoughts of you and hopes towards you and a future...

It is a reflection of things happening and forming between us that really do lock a memory forever in time. I am grateful, so grateful that I am a writer and that I did take time to record what I did here. Reading this took me back and made me remember and feel everything all over again. I revel in remembering and feeling. That's why this is so important to me, even now.

This was in jumbled rambling without paragraph break sentences because back then I didn't write as much and felt so overwhelmed emotionally, I often had no energy to write about life or my relationship. I can still be this way but not to this extent. This isn't a good example of my typical writing but these were written right after you dropped me off on these weekends, before bed when I was often exhausted but pushed myself to write, not wanting to forget anything.

I just wanted to capture my memories with you before they faded. I was on a lot of meds then and drinking quite a bit, and I sometimes could feel my mind slipping. I know NOW that a lot of my memories from that time are erased due to excessive use of tranquilizers etc.

If not for this preservation of memory in diary form, I might not remember all the details although the majority of this I remember like the back of my hand. I think its touching / moving/ insightful/ strange/amusing and makes me blush to re-read this. because all my insecurities are so open and my true feelings are revealed in here without reservation.

Also NOTICE the amount of times i mention SEX and LOVE. both were most on my mind and things i love most. i think what you see here and what you know of me now is pretty consistent to a lot of the detail shared in these writings, altho i recognize ways in which i have changed and grown.

I hope sharing this with you means something to you and it touches your heart in some way, maybe provides insight into a part of me you have never seen or known yet. I am one of those people who enjoys knowing what someone thought of me in the beginning but didn't say and I find it fascinating.

I feel like most people enjoy this kind of thing and I also feel it brings two people closer to share this sort of stuff. It is about a memory and the start of our relationship together, that alone holds great significance because its solely about my heart in all of its fragility and vulnerability and how much i thought about you as well as my depth of feeling for you.

I admit that for a very long time, it was hard that i was unable to share how i truly felt about you- with you- it was excruciating and painful [not to make you feel guilty, but it just was what it was- painful not to express emotion towards you and to not know you felt anything for me].

I'm glad that is no longer something i have to wonder over. the feelings in here are pure and i think you can really tell how delicate i am inside. and scared.

When you read this, you may also notice and remember how nurturing you were with me based on the things I share in these posts, and also how emotionally nurturing you were towards me in the beginning even if you didn't necessarily express direct feelings or emotions even.

It seemed based on these writings I wrote, you were very reassuring - coaxed me knowing my insecurity, fear and hurt inside, and protected, took care of me. I think in the beginning you were this way but notice and recall months later you began to pull back emotionally from the relationship which both confused upset and terrified me.

At one point you were talking of it not working and it felt you were looking to leave or flee the relationship. I remember this being around when you went to Seattle and was gone for two weeks and often didn't call or write when you promised you would.

I think the push and pull in the relationship only kept me more invested in you and our relationship and made me fight harder to keep your interest in me, wish for your love. all of this tug of war and push and pull, memories of how nurturing and 'loving' you were towards me in the beginning of dating as seen in the below entries-- is probably what encouraged me to not give up on you and our relationship and also simultaneously cemented my emotional attachment towards you and deeper development of feelings of love, with you, although i could never reveal this to you when it all began and it sucked that i couldn't be honest for a long time since i am someone who doesnt believe in hiding feelings or keeping things inside.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this. I hope you find it interesting and even endearing, at the very least. I couldn't help but want you to read this, especially when we are taking such a big step together in the next month.

I hope you don't think it is silly and it would mean EVERYTHING to me if you wanted to read this and felt something thru reading it. I hope you like it. It is very emotional but in a good way that should move your heart on many different levels. I think everyone should look back every now and then and take the time to remember how it all began.

Foundations are important because somewhere in the midst of it all, that is when love was formed and created between us. I'd like to know when you have taken the time to read this and hear what you think. Hope you get something out of it :)

I love you-
April

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[ the past diary entries posted will be posted now - will update more currently later in week as i've felt extremely emotionally swamped this week, and have been too overwhelmed to write about more current things in life. second, i am struggling with an asthma attack which was kicked up last nite but started days ago when the weather unexpectedly went from HOT to COLD. i mean went from using the air on high sat/sun to having NO air on and even the heat on in the past two days. my system doesnt adjust well, my chest is extremely tight-constricted- hurts, breath is shallow and inhaler/advair is ineffective at this point. i feel congested. i also take zyrtec-d - BUT it's not making a dent either! anyway this is just a sort of emotional interlude and nostalgic share in b/t current events, for now. it's nice to take a break from current life every now and then and that's precisely the mood i am in right now :) ]

read on for the entries that are directly referred to in this actual entry.

[tripping back down memory lane]

---

HERE are the entries I wrote about him in the beginning:

Tuesday January 10, 2006

jan 6th-

he picked me up. on friday nite. had foods i loved. tapioca pudding and some soups because i was sick and took care of me. we watched me and you and everyone we know which my brother got my for xmas and he had seen but enjoyed so didnt mind seeing it again with me.

we both were very tired so ended up falling asleep towards the end but it was cos i was sick, cos i knew i'd love the whole film and would've if i had stayed awake- i have to rewatch it by myself because i missed parts- it was unique and off the wall funny in different parts.

that nite was the first time we had sex. i don't think he wanted to have sex so soon with me but think he couldn't control it because he knew i wanted to have sex so badly and i made him want it too. it was exquisite. fell asleep after. woke up, had sex again. watched some tv, then watched a radiohead live in astoria dvd he got from netflix, pretty good, fell asleep and napped together.

i woke up in the afternoon and got ready to go to the mall with him. picked up starbucks which he didnt allow me to pay for and looked at a few clothing stores for me (he wanted to buy me something but i didn't see anything i wanted even with the xmas money i had so i decided not to get anything)

it was so sweet that he wanted to buy me clothing though. i've never had a guy want to do that- he told me a little before we went to the mall he wanted to buy me something when we went there and i could pick it out and i felt so special. i felt like i didnt deserve it and didnt want him to waste his money on me! i was almost scared for him to buy me something- i dont know, because i think i feel like he's already given me so much and i don't know why he wanted to give me more?

anyway, i was so indecisive, he saw that it would be hard to buy clothing for me without me being there to choose it with him and mentioned that when we were browsing. i just felt so picky and i wasn't feeling well still so i wasnt in my best shopping mindset which sucked. we looked at: charlotte russe and gap. and then he wanted to look quickly at hot topic.

afterwards, we decided we were hungry and got chinese for lunch at the mall (westshore plaza) and ate in the food court. it was fairly good and we had good conversation. he brought up about teaching me to drive in the future and said if we were still together for a while he would help me learn to drive and get a car so i'd be able to get to places i needed to when necessary. i thought it was a good sign that he sees me in his future as something potentially permanent and serious.

when we got home, he decided to show me the film by stanley kubrick eyes wide shut- with nicole kidman and tom cruise which was bizarre, eerie and eccentric, well acted and great underlying theme of the idea that these people were living in a fantasy world, a facade of sorts, with their eyes closed, and that they needed to open them and wake up, to see what was right in front of them, and appreciate what they had in real life, to not take what they had for granted and to appreciate life. kind of like american beauty's message. my bf is a big fan of kubrick's films and woody allen films so he had been telling me a lot about those films and wanting to share them with me.

after the film, he let me sleep and rest for a while because i was still sick and just very run down and i slept next to him. he slept a little but woke up before me and did stuff while i was sleeping or watched some tv. then he made us both huge baked potatoes and we watched part of Grease (both our favorite film growing up- we idolized it similarly and like to sing the songs in it, also. he says him and his bros used to perform it for his parents. we really have a lot in common)..i believe we ended up having sex before going out that nite. then i showered.

he planned to take me to this beautiful light show with music at his work in downtown tampa that was on like every hour that nite. so we went to that though it was freezing out, like chicago cold and we were dressed like we lived in chicago lol and numb from the cold.

we took pics of the lights and he took some of me alone and a few of us together. it was pretty fun even though i was a little sick and it was so cold. then we drove back after spending an hour doing that. had some soup. watched sat nite live together. had a drink. put in a movie- broken flowers and then ended up having sex and going to sleep afterwards.

sunday we lazed around the house by watching some tv - he made us cinammon rolls for breakfast and then in the afternoon poltergeist was on and we watched it and fell asleep together on the couch during it. after it, we had sex again.

i showered to get ready to go home, and he made me a quick dinner for him and i before he took me back - of fettuncini alfredo and we watched grease again together and that was the last thing we saw on screen together when we walked out the door to go back to my house. it was a good weekend, depsite my sickness. our first time - becoming real lovers and fully having sex. so it was memorable and emotional. we both had a hard time expressing it though and are still going slow with this part of it, sharing emotions.

the weekend of january 13th 2006-

my bf picked me up in the evening- i was so drowsy from benadryl that for a few hrs at his place i kept falling asleep and passing out before we left to go to a club when we were laying next to each other on the couch watching tv shows and a dvd- i remember him kissing me too and not having energy to respond much and being shy and he asked me if i liked kissing as if maybe i didn't and i told him i did and felt bad because it had nothing to do with him, it was the benadryl making me unable to stay awake and my shyness.

i have a hard time making the first move when we kiss or inititate anything of a sexual nature. i think he wants me to be more assertive so he knows i desire him and feels good but i don't know how to be and am scared most of the time.

i'm trying to push myself to try harder but its difficult. i'm passive aggressive deep down. and can only be sexually assertive when i am very drunk or on something that relaxes me enough to make me lose control and lose all inhibition or fear. so, anyway, then we went out to czar, i had about three drinks. i finally woke up!

they played some good songs and so we danced for the first time and it was so emotional the way we held each other and arousing. i was a bit drunk and turned on and so it was easy to dance with him and get close.

i most remember how soon is now? by smiths playing and thinking that is exactly how i feel and the way i think both him and i think and i was thinking how this was meant to be, and how we were meant to be together and felt it was some slight sign.

we didn't stay too long because he was tired but it was ok because we had such a good time together anyway ..when we got home, i was drunk, trashed. i was also on my period. all i remember is laying with him on the couch and being so high on euphoria and aroused-- making out, playing with each other, then we went to the bedroom, after he got a towel to put down and lay me on it since i had my period and we were having sex. i don't remember it making a difference or feeling like it felt like my period, i hardly remember anything except feeling so good during sex and that we both came and collapsed on each other and fell asleep nude on top of each other for a bit and then must've changed into a pj top and underwear when i was half unconscious or half asleep/half drunk. because the next morning, i didnt remember dressing myself or putting it on and he said i had done it myself but we had passed out into sleep for a while before getting dressed.

the following day, we got up in the day. watched the bill murray (jim jarmusch film)- broken flowers- eccentric humor but interesting. then had to get ready to go out to do his car thing that day.

it was very windy and not a great day. he had to go to a car dealer to get a new battery so we went to university square mall and he dropped it off while we went in the mall and found a restaurant to eat at, Ruby Tuesday's for lunch. i can't remember what i had at this time.

so much has happened during these wkends and i haven't been writing that i cant keep up with it all. so much great stuff and emotion is seeping thru me and i can't pour it out fast enough and at the same time am holding on to it (or holding back) to make it stay special and to not jinx the fact that i might really have something here, something true and destined to be great in the future, something with him. i'm hoping i'm not wrong on that count. but i just feel he is the one. and i know its fast.

he doesnt believe in saying the L word right away and it takes him time to say it because he wants to mean it. i respect and admire it but it also makes me a little scared but he is doing it the healthy way. so i am not vocal about my emotions to him right now when it comes to "love"- i know i am falling in love with him. i can even say that i love him right now and it is developing and will get stronger and that this is real and what i feel is the truth and may take time, but i feel it already inside. i think i love him already but before i knew this, i knew from the first meeting that i wanted to love him and i wanted him to love me back.

i don't know what will happen because he is different in that he admittedly doesn't express 'love' right off the bat and that kind of thing takes him a long time to say which im guessing is because he wants it to be genuine and to be certain of himself. we'll see.

before bed, he put in eternal sunshine..cos he wanted me to watch it. he was tired so fell asleep during it. i watched the whole thing with him lying next to me holding me though. it was very sad in parts and i saw both characters in me (and even in him) i related it to us in a way (without the break up part)- just our personas. her impulsive ways and belief that she was just a fucked up girl was like the way i've viewed myself for a long time. and his introverted ways and diary writing of feelings, melancholy were a lot like another side of me too.

i went to sleep after it. i think we didnt have sex again until morning before i left because he was so tired and had to leave to go to his parents house for the holiday. he had to get up early sun. and take me home in the morning because he promised to go there for the holiday. but then, it ended up we didnt leave til afternoon.

in the car, he told me not to worry about anything and that he'd write me and things were going good between us and he didnt want me to feel insecure. he walked me to the door, helped carry my things, waited for me to open the door, then hugged me and said he had a good time with me. i said i felt the same and thanked him. he told me he would email me later and i thanked him and told him to drive safe.

it was hard to walk in that house, shut the door behind, without him following me, knowing i won't be seeing him for another weekend and it will be a long wk to get thru before that comes and just feeling overwhelmed with the fact that i miss him and already feel so much but can't tell him. out of fear he will get scared, reject me, or lose interest the closer i let him get inside of me. so, i don't know.

he treats me well and when i freak out over insecurity he is there right away to talk it out, soothe and fix things. he is reasonable, hasn't ever gotten angry at me or raised his voice at me or spoken in a way that would be felt as if i'm wrong, crazy, or irrational. he really listens and tries to be respectful and thoughtful always. he is the best.

i have to write more later, my medication is making me fall asleep at the desk.

later.

SO busy and all the latest going on with me!

Life is so crazy right now- been SUPER busy with finishing touches on wedding which is in upcoming November month. and my birthday is this saturday, day after halloween. past wkend between being swamped with little wedding details, the stress of fking trainwreck florist Laurie- been exhausted and overwhelmed. called us to RUIN our saturday morning/day to tell us she had spoken with HEAD FLORIST [funny how the past six mos she represented herself as the EXPERT IE. HEAD florist and LED us on to believe she is something she is NOT]

In any case, she now told us, weeks before OUR wedding- that the head florist CANNOT do ALL colors we chose for reception [yellow, light green, and melon-red colored orchids] have to be fucking changed because florist says they do not match our lilac color in the wedding [my dress is ivory and bridesmaids are lilac]

Jimmy handled it all for us on the telephone and kept his cool but he is about to go off the deep end too and my mom almost wanted to just find another florist at the last minute because Laurie is that disruptive and stressful to everyone and because she is starting to get nervous this flightly Laurie is going to screw up our wedding and waste 500 plus dollars of her hard earned money. i could tell she is feeling as anxious as i am. we've revised our own plan but wont be able to discuss with laurie til nov. 9th and we KNOW she will make it hard no matter how organized we are because she is consistent about making us start from scratch and not allowing us to just tell her what we want and to be decisive in our decisions.

Laurie is so neurotic that she makes you go thru every single detail to assure herself she is not going to fuck your wedding up. i have about had it to HERE with her and when we do see her, if she tries to inflict more doubt, uncertainty in the choices we make- i am going to go off on her and tell her simply, this is what we want and this is what we are paying you for, so please just do it and stop making everything more complicated than it needs to be. this is ridiculous.

I will be reporting her ASAP after this wedding is over, btw, to the appropriate manager at Publix. No way is she getting off on this so she can ruin someone else's wedding in the future. she is completely incompetent in her role as 'event planner' and does not belong in the job title she is currently in and needs major training in customer skills although I believe it is a mental defect in how she treats others and she is so neurotic and all over the place, that she does not belong in a job that involves leadership, customer service, assertiveness or in catering to a person's special day.

The appropriate head people NEED to be aware of her inability to perform her job or remain professional. I expect her to challenge our decisions of floral and colors on our nov. 9th appt.

We will print and bring the ones we found online [i'll share pix of these at end of entry below] because we simply do NOT want to email her our ideas cos she will just ASK more stupid questions and waste more of our time on the phone, cause more stress and really I would like to fking enjoy my 37th bday this coming saturday and want NO part of laurie in my life this week. Everytime I think about her, I get pissed off. I do not have the patience to deal with her right now. I am fed up.

***Here are the orchid colors we are considering and hope we can come to an amicable consensus b/t laurie and head florist as I dont have much energy left to contend with our choices NOT being good enough.

I hardly think I LACK the visual sense of what colors go with what and knowing how to put colors together. That is one of my best skills and fashion is something I have always considered as a career because that is how good I am at style and color so it REALLY insults me when someone suggests that the color flowers I chose do not go wtih the colors in my wedding not to mention the fact that I thought we HIRED her and are paying her to do our wedding. Doesn't that mean that we have total say in what we want and that what we say goes??!! I feel like these people act like they are the customers and we are the ones working for them. I just don't get it.

Phalaenopsis Orchids >

Doritaenopsis Ruey Lih Beauty "M"





Phalaenopsis Orchids >


Phalaenopsis Sogo David





Dendrobium Orchids >


Dendrobium Nestor "Nagata"




Cymbidium Orchids >

Cymbidium Meglee "Miss Taipei"




Cymbidium Orchids >


Cymbidium Lady Fire "Red Angelica"




Cymbidium Orchids >

Cymbidium Dorothy Stockstill "Forgotten Fruits" with Two Flower Stems




Cymbidium Orchids >


Cymbidium Waltz "Romance"

PS.

BTW, I have the bridal shower pix finally but haven't had any time to upload and share here. Will later when I can find some time! Also had dinner with parents and visited on wkend and took a few photos over there on Saturday. Will share and post at a later date.

New things or upcoming:

1- Marriage License appt is November 7th for the two of us. we cant believe how fast everything is going and it is really an emotionally warming/moving experience to realize that by the end of November I will be his wife and him my husband :D

2- his coworkers which are predominantly female [most i've met and are nice, always tell me what a nice guy he is and such a great catch cos he is so polite and ultimate helpful boss/worker with them] want to hold a little late lunch/dinner get together for US in honor of our upcoming wedding. A bit like a shower but not really..More like a get together and celebration of our upcoming future.

I think that is so sweet and I look forward to it actually. It is really nice of them to think of us this way especially when some people are still set in the tradtitional way of things. It's rare that coworkers would throw any sort of party for the guy in the engaged relationship or the couple then again maybe it is cos they are female and he is well liked by them. It is refreshing that they aren't stuck in conservative conventional ways which I think are very unrealistic in this day and age. It is refreshing that people realize things are far different today and both people in coupleship deserve to be honored! :)

More things going on in life, not all connected to our upcoming wedding, in a future entry when time allows me to do so. I feel so scattered and all over the place that I feel I am way behind when it comes to sharing all that I want presently. More later when I have unlimited time to think, focus and write! :)

(more wedding planning/mom's sweet email)

Sent: Thursday, October 23, 2008 3:57:26 PM
Subject: Fwd: I had a ball [from mom about candles/decor she bought for US]


I just came back from the store and it was a productive day. I found the unscented ivory floating candles or tea lights and there are 144 for six dollars. I can be use for anything. If you dont like it I can return them for a refund. I bought a bunch of amethyst glass gems which can be use for decorations or par t of favors. I can ask my Chinese friend to inscribe Chinese characters for April and Jimmy'

I also bought a purple small wicker basket which can be used for anything. I can decorate and will look Pretty. Everything is falling in place little by little. We dont need to get stressed out anymore. What do you think of my adventure? Talk to you soon.

Love,
MOM

divine sweets + shades of purple.

We decided last nite that we WILL do the personalized M&M's idea that I suggested after I forwarded the link to my fiance and we spent several hours working on customizing, figuring out how many we needed and placing our order online.

To tie in with our wedding themed colors, we had a mix of light and dark purples and creme. We only got a handful of the personalized m & m's and then remaining M&M's are in the same colors but unpersonalized. We had to do it this way so we could fill up the tins fully without spending a fortune. It would have been close to 150 bucks if we did all personalized and we are only in the stages of estimating how many guests [approx 60] even though most have not replied yet.

In mixing it up, we ended up spending closer to 90 bucks. it wasn't going to get any cheaper than this and we became rather attached to the idea after filling in our names and our message on the website and seeing how pretty and unique it looks. You're not going to find a better idea than that in my opinion so we went with it.


So, we ended up getting 3 custom 7 oz. bags in purple with our words/names on those AND then: 3 unpersonalized bags in the colors of dark purple, 3 unpersonalized bags in color light purple and last set of unpersonalized 3 in creme.

Half of personalized m & m's will say April & Jimmy and other half will contain a message we both thought of together: "Now & Forever"

I am so excited - can't wait to surprise the guests and hope they think it is as beautiful as we do :)

M&M's® - Customized Chocolate Candy Wedding Favors And Gifts

The purple color looked more like lavender on the site but then we clicked on another section with the colors and it looked like deeper purple so it may be darker but i believe it will still match as was evident when his mom threw our wedding shower and it was an array of light and dark purples that really complemented each other quite nicely and added more life to the whole look.


A beautiful warming gift that my mother put on top of our gifts was a wreath made of fake flowers in the most beautiful arrays of purples, light and dark, also showcased how beautiful all ranges in the purple family go together. Her wreath was one that every one was in awe of and won the hearts of many women there, they couldn't stop talking about, its vivid beauty was apparent. it was especially touching since it looked like she had chosen it based on her own taste and knowing our wedding colors and it was not on our bridal registry so it was a spontaneous unique gift that touched my heart.

More on shower gifts and actual pictures of this wreath, all we got, and the people who attended with further commentary in a future entry.

+++

The Wreath after we hung it up in our 2nd bedroom which we use as my office for book business and personal usage. it's more mine than jimmy's since my computer is in here, a little tv and half of my clothing wardrobe, cds and such. this is where i go if he is watching a game and i am bored and want to watch tv elsewhere or want to just write, surf net, listen to online music etc.

staring at the sun [a sunny sunday + pix]

Sunday:

Started the day by waking up around noon. Jimmy was still asleep hilariously as this is ABnormal for someone like him who rises early everyday even on his day off. He is typically up at 9am and I am generally lucky if I can wake up by 12 noon Haha. Not a morning person at all which grates on his / and his parents nerves when we visit them. I have always been a night person so sorry if they don't get it but that is my nature. I think he finally accepts me as I am and his parents have given up, but every now and then they take a jab at me, inserting that I have a problem with being up all nite and showing clear displeasure and disregard to how their insults make me feel. I usually change the subject or just say YEP with a little sarcastic laugh. I refuse to react to them OR explain myself- I don't need to define my reasons for anything. They already know why I am the way I am but fail to understand. That is not my problem. It is theirs and I don't have time to be bothered by their judgements. Could really care less if they love me or not - anyway- but of course it would be nice if they liked me just a little bit and said something that made me feel like I was good enough for their son and that centered on praise rather than criticism.

Anyway, I digress...

So we got the sunday paper which I recently got him into the routine of getting in order to get the Michael's sunday paper coupons to use towards our wedding and to cut out grocery coupons so we could save money. It amazes me that he never did this prior to me ever or used coupons. I grew up with parents or rather a mother who did this all the time and raised me to do the same as a grown up.

In my first marriage all we did was live for saving money and using coupons as much as possible where as Jimmy kind of didn't want to be bothered by the hassle because he has always made enough money to live comfortably and personally I just don't feel he has any idea what its like to struggle financially or to even be so poor you don't have enough food or are starving. Anyway, after gathering coupons and deciding which ones we wanted to use that day, we made a rough list of what we needed to buy at the store.

This was a day of chores- spent it vaccuming the whole living room and main area of apartment which was a job in itself since things are tight and it's become cluttered and disorganized as of late due to being so busy and mentally overwhelmed with so much wedding planning And other ongoing things.

I then took a shower, put some minimal makeup on and got dressed as we had to take a much needed trip to the grocery store to stock up on food and such for the week.

I have decided that on weekends even if its just chores or errands running around, i will from now on make the exerted effort to try to dress nicely, wear makeup and look nice because I want to try to break out of the rut Ive been in for the last few yrs and the last few times I attempted to do this - inc. past weekend- I have found that it greatly improves my self confidence and makes me feel a lot happier within myself.

I gather he thinks its silly...to dress up, put makeup or look nice just to go grocery shopping because he kind of made a remark like - why was i wearing makeup and taking pix just to shop at publix? he doesn't entirely get my line of thinking.

I feel like if you allow yourself to stop trying and you accept that you are in a rut but do not do anything to change it, that you make the choice to remain miserable and stagnant. I am not doing it as much for him as I am for myself.

Someone has to uplift me and I realize it isn't dependent entirely on him although it would be nice if he would make more of an effort. I take responsibility for making myself feel better about me, by changing the way Ive let myself go and swapping my old attitude out for a new one. Its odd how fall this year is feeling a lot like spring - in that I feel more positive, like I am shedding some of negative and becoming renewed by starting over again, feeling reborn.

I think its partially the impending marriage and the symbolic meaning underneath it all for me, but something in this makes me feel like the way spring feels. when the old dies and begins to grow anew after a cycle of cold mourning and death. renewal and rebirth.

I feel I am going thru something very transformational and significant.


Sunday shopping at Publix

We did our usual weekly shopping at our local grocery store which we've been going to for about two yrs now. This is a place we often go to and the main grocery store we choose to shop at. everything else is far or in unfavorable areas. I know its a sort of unexciting photo, but it was such a lovely day and felt like autumn in the air, that i couldn't resist getting a few pictures.

I know I may be strange, but I like having pix of the area I lived in so that in the future I can look back and remember what I was doing, where I was at and what period of my life I was in.

I realize in the two yrs Ive lived in this city, I have very little of pix of "my area" whereas when I lived in my parents city and in chicago, I had numerous pix in the areas I frequented and I find that now when I see that I have these, and look back on it, I am so grateful for those memories. recorded forever.

No matter how trivial or cliche, boring, plain it may seem to others, it isn't to me. I have a mind that easily flashes back to memories and it is triggered by a number of ways related to senses. It is most triggered aurally and visually for me.

My memories are heavily marked and preserved by way of visuals, sounds, smells, things connected to the senses. This is probably why I am so sentimental and nostalgic in personality. It's just the way I have always been and the way my mind and heart works and it is one of my favorite things about myself. I cherish this.

[I have often been told that I have a photographic memory. Over the years due to trauma/abuse/emotional distress, I believe that my perfect memory has suffered some and I find sometimes grasping for things I used to know or remember so well, but for the most part, I have the most vivid precise detailed memory of anyone I know or anyone I have encountered and I am often complimented for this by others because they notice it also.]

The sun was too bright, it was really glaring in my eyes which is why in most pix I either was turned away or squinting to see like crazy.

(end)

nutty + ironic.

Laurie the NUTcase florist [AKA Trainwreck!]

Tuesday we had a phone appt with Laurie the florist and it was a total nightmare. she went thru everything all over again and we both had to take turns putting our ear near the phone as she wanted to talk to both of us and we do not have a speaker phone so it was annoying and she was very stressful. we felt like we wished we had used her coworker instead of her cos she is a MESS.

It's too complicated to go into everything all over again but she makes things as confusing as it can possibly be, when it should be very cut and dry, simple. but not with Laurie, nothing is simple when it comes to working with her! HA!

So, we couldnt really get anything accomplished and she decided after we'd wasted our time on the phone, at least half an hour or more, that we need one more meeting in person with her to finalize the final ideas - it just seems she is unable to finalize with what we've already given her. I felt pretty sure it was obvious we were final with all we'd discussed in person with her but she makes it where it's never final and you have to have more appts with her. I get the feeling that her core personality is compromised of self-doubt, second guessing everything, taking the most simple things and making it complicated, indecisiveness, inability to make final decisions, and fear of failure.

This is certainly NOT a good mix for someone who is in charge of something that is a big part of someone's wedding day and it is making us increasingly nervous that she is going to screw up and the more we interact with her, the more we are convinced that we made the wrong choice when we chose her to handle our floral affairs. I mean for god's sake, choosing flowers and nailing down the proposed plan for our wedding day shouldn't be this hard or stressful and it certainly shouldn't be us that is feeling the brunt of this stress.

We are paying her and her function in this is to arrange everything and organize it in a fashion that is clear, concise and without confusion. In my first wedding, we hired a florist by the same company [publix floral dept] and after our first meeting, the lady had a package of what would be included in our wedding and what we could expect and after that we never had to meet with her again or make any elaborate decisions. She did her job. We simply told her what we wanted and made the payment. I cannot understand why this woman is making everything so complicated. It is driving us insane.

Jimmy was rolling his eyes thru the whole phonecall and we both felt headachey after talking to her and drained! She really is something else. During this phonecall, I couldn't resist the urge to jump up and get Laurie's florist card off the dining room table and promptly shoving it to Jimmy's face while silently laughing. This is an inside joke that I made up with Jimmy. I find it SO hilarious that what is advertised on her business card is the complete opposite of what we are getting out of her services, in a sarcastic way.

*Every time I see this, I want to die laughing. It couldn't be further from the truth. The irony in this is laughable.



So...Laurie also threw out two new ideas she saw with some other wedding they did recently and wanted to know if we wanted it for our wedding party table as the special arrangement but I had not one clue what she was talking about and so she said she'd send us a picture via email.

When searching for floating candles on the web, I came across this picture which sort of sounded like what she was trying to illustrate to us in words, imagine something like this, narrow and thin cylindrical vase with orchids instead of what is actually pictured:



We heard from her a few days ago and are SO frustrated, not only did she not send the picture and tell us she is waiting for the bride from a recent wedding to send a picture to her email at work, BUT she also sent us with a new quote with a higher price. Several hundreds of dollars higher than her initial quote a few months back!!!

Apparently Laurie said she had been mistaken about the altar decorations she had quoted when we made our decision with her on the phone this past Tues. The two floral arrangements with a mix of gladiolas and same orchids with possibly pieces of bamboo and other greenery as well as the butterfly arrangement that would be used at the reception as a centerpiece on the guestbook table.

We have decided that we will need to bring my mom with to our next appt with her which will have to be in the next few wks if not next wkend because we need to get it straightened out so we can know what is going to be used in the wedding altar arrangements and reception centerpieces and have a REAL price quote that is set in stone and my mom knows more about flowers/arrangements and the like than the two of us do put together. Plus she is such a trainwreck, neither of us can seem to handle her exhaustive meetings. I've never met someone so scattered and disorganized in my life, especially when her job specializes in putting together wedding floral and cakes and the like. She is titled as an Event Organizer for god's sake!

Laurie is so all over the place, that it is nerve wracking. I am surprised she hasn't been fired yet. It seems like she is consistently indecisive and doubtful of herself/abilities and that she cannot handle the job. Its almost as if she gets consumed by details and loses focus. Kind of manic. Like me.

I am hoping that maybe my mom can think of an arrangement that fits our theme/style and find a way to make it cheaper [she is quoting the altar arrangements at 150 bucks, and the bows on aisles with floral as 150 bucks, we may change the aisle bows to just a few roses at the start of the pews in front if that saves everyone more money]

The total quote at this point is OVER 800 dollars for fucking flowers and we strived for a minimalist design. [the original quote was around 400-500 dollars a few months ago, I do not get how the price could have raised that much higher.]

We are now thinking that there will only be two arrangements at altar, a scatter of tulle or ribbon with a few flowers [roses], some loose orchid petals floating in eight floating candle dishes. These are not even arrangements or large reception pieces, just the bloom of the flower. In addition there will only be one average sized arrangement at wedding head table which is not a huge table, it is a round table that seats approximately eight people around it. Then of course there will be one final arrangement at the guest book/gift table.

The standard bouquets/buoutonnaires are far from the most expensive flowers and are also smaller than what the average wedding uses nowadays. I don't get it!! This Laurie is so frustrating and stressful. We feel frazzled with her.

After that phone call, all we felt like doing was relaxing and watching tv because we felt exhausted from talking with her and unmotivated to do anything that would resemble work or chores or doing more wedding goals on our list. sigh...

Floating Unscented Ivory Candles:

Michael's does NOT carry any ivory UNscented floating candles so we may be forced to buy it online at some unknown candle website because I don't know where else to look. Target didn't have any and so that is something I am still searching for.

But we did end up getting this- to cross of containters for candy favors at reception, off our wedding to do list-

(we will probably use this ribbon i placed on top of favors to embellish the candy favors)

Finalizing Party Favors for Reception at Wedding:

Also we ordered these silver or pewter style butterfly bookmarks as a thank you party favor to guests last nite. It will be shipped to my parents house, as mail is not safe or reliable in our opinion in this crappy apt complex. Its by a website called Serendipity:

it's beginning to feel a lot like fall here.

(Jimmy + I)

(Me + My Mom)

(Jimmy + My Mom)

After my alteration appt with david's bridal - I wanted to take some pictures so I got a few of my fiance with my mom, then had Jimmy take some of my mom and I, and my mom take some of Jimmy and I.

Yes, it was a family affair LOL

Truthfully, my mother loves Jimmy and they get along well and they actually have a lot in common, such as the things that i hate which Jimmy absolutely LOVES- my mom seems to love just as much!! Mostly this applies to food, socialization adventure/liking to try "new" things + and fun!!! Hahahha.

After the assorted picture taking, we then all three headed over to Michael's arts and crafts which was next door.

+++

Michael's Arts & Crafts store after Alteration Appt:

Below are a few things we got at michael's. Jimmy actually saw some canvas on sale, so he got two one for me and one for him. I guess he was thinking in the future maybe we might want to try our hand at painting. Neither of us are really artistic in that sense or way altho I think both of us liked to draw/doodle growing up and weren't bad at sketching, but also not artistic like good enough to be an artist or creative inspiration or anything LOL

I found it interesting that he all of a sudden saw something he wanted to pursue as a hobby via Michael's in arts and crafts. especially after the last few trips there he'd rolled his eyes or sounded irritated when I was excited over all the art stuff wanting to buy it!! I wonder what came over him.

Jimmy wasn't feeling very well today and was sick earlier this week with a cold with muscle ache/fever for several days enough to even take off work midweek. I think he is run down just like I have been. It is probably from planning a wedding which has been highly stressful and since it's getting closer and closer to the date- there is more and more to do, stress is heightened and at times it is just tiresome for both of us!

So anyway, here's a few things I got that made me happy:

This pretty fall butterfly clip on decoration. I don't know where I'd put this or if I could use it in my reception hall but just thought it was so pretty and it was cheap so I wanted it for Fall.

....And, here is a "Far East" rubber stamp set I got. It includes pieces that stamp below designs and it includes the black ink. I just thought it would be cool to have and try. It is my first real rubber stamp set and they have so many amazing ones that I was overwhelmed with which one to pick! My next picks would have been the celtic cross styles and the retro looking fashion/european women ones- kind of vargas/nouveau art like style.

After Michael's- Jimmy and I decided to go with my parents where they go to dinner every Saturday. We were all hungry and had a long drive back so felt we might as well!

Below picture of us was taken at Longhorn Steakhouse :)

(Me + My Fiance at Longhorn)

During dinner, my mom told us the cutest story regarding my niece Alexcia. She told us that last week my niece came home from school sick from something she ate at school [apparently it was food poisoning as a few other kids at school contracted the same illness]...anyway while my mom was taking care of her-- she asked for the nemo cold compress I'd gotten for her birthday recently to put on her tummy to make her feel better, but when my mom got it and put it on her tummy, alexcia moaned that nemo wasn't big enough to help her tummy ache...Awww!!!! It just made me envision the tiny nemo on Alexcia's tummy and her saying that with her big saucer like eyes...poor baby!!!!

Luckily, she is better now, but I didn't get the chance to see her this past weekend but since the Tampa team of baseball won this division thingie [don't know anything about sports or care], my fiance will be going to the big game this coming saturday and I will probably just be dropped off to visit my family and niece while he does this, so I suppose I will get to visit her then.

Unless I get sick again. If I do, I will just stay home. I am still worn out from being sick in the past two days and I think I am runned down from all of this. I hope to catch up sometime tomorrow but for now must say goodnite. I spent much of tonite trying to recuperate and regain energy from last nite's illness :/

It's really beginning to feel like Fall here and that seems strange to say when it comes to FL, since it's not known to cool off til late October or early November. I like the feel of Fall though and the crisp air, the breeze. I know it's nothing like the places where snow falls as I've lived in those climates before and I don't soon forget. But I revel in that 'feeling' and find that I always become so nostalgic during the last few months before the year comes to a close. Perhaps it is because I am deep. Or maybe it is because I was born in November and so it just feels like home to me - natural.

I always travel towards darkness even when seeking light. It seems so much a part of me (like nature) that I gravitate toward darkness yet long for light - in so many aspects of my life. Sometimes, I am a total walking contradiction, even to myself!

Bridal Gown Alterations [with pictures]

pix before and during alterations at david's bridal, first fitting.

My measurements were- 31-26-37 I don't know what it all means other than that I have a petite chest and big hips apparently according to these numbers. I'm not sure what the numbers mean but I wish I did and I think I'm going to research that so I can find out.

Alterations were a bit tiring seeing that within minutes my feet were killing me and the lady kept reprimanding me for not holding my head high enough and standing straight. It was not that relaxing + a bit stressful. I couldn't wait til it was done and was relieved when about 40 mins later the hems being pinned, bust and waist pinned were finally finished where I could take the dress off and leave.

Unforunately I accidentally moved my arm too fast and one of the HUGE straight pins brushed against my skin causing a deep cut against my inner arm near my wrist. I had no idea it bled or that I'd been cut. I thought I just poked myself with the pin, not cut myself. Hours later, before bed is when I discovered the nasty dark red cut that looked like a smudge of sharpie red marker. It scared me. I put peroxide and neosporin, then put a bandaid on it immediately.

Here were some pix my mom and the alteration lady took for me. A few of these are prior to alterations so it looks a bit big because it wasn't taken in yet and a then a few were taken after I was all pinned up:

These were before the alterations began so nothing was pinned up yet. Also, the corset wasn't tied up yet so it looks a bit big without it being fully tied up.

I had my mom take a few snapshots before everything got pinned and taken in and in case I wasn't able to get any pix before turning the dress into alterations so I could see how the dress fit now and share with those I wanted to with.

I felt my arms and shoulders looked noticeably thinner than when I first tried on, bought the dress which I photographed the day of purchase back in May. I have lost some weight in the past month and it may be tied to that. I think it was more obvious in person though than in the actual photographs here. I don't know.

Closeup picture of top half, sideways:

Full length front shot.



My face sure does look red. I can't determine whether it is the lighting or if it is because I was feeling hot and nervous while standing there waiting to be altered OR if my skin really looks like that. Whatever the case it worries me because when I looked in the mirror during this time, I felt my complexion and color were noticeable as I got sort of a farmer's tan when I went to the beach back in July due to wearing a surfer style sleeveless top rather than bikini and was hoping it would fade before my wedding as I refuse to wear tanning spray or go to any tanning salon. I HATE being tan and the look of fake tans on people in general. I think it's ugly and will not do it, so I just have to cross my fingers that by the end of Nov., in person and in photo, that my skin is going to look even in tone and color otherwise I am in big trouble. I definitely don't want to look like I have splotchy skin color or orange-reddish tones on my wedding day. I really don't know what can be done to make sure this doesn't happen. So all I can do is HOPE and pray!

Frontal view



Below, picture is a crop from above picture-

There were mirrors all around so in the original picture it captured another angle and view by way of capturing the reflection in the mirror in the photo which I thought was really cool. I like seeing other perspectives.

Then, I had the lady doing the alterations take a few pix which appear below. She seemed reluctant about it and almost seemed like I wouldn't get any pix from her but I assertively asked and so I got my pix. I felt like she may've been annoyed at doing it so she didnt make the best effort but oh well, better than nothing. And it's irritating that the girl behind me appears in the picture. She didnt have any appt for david's bridal or even for alterations. Another saleslady dumped her onto the alteration lady wanting her opinion as the girl couldn't decide between two bridal gowns and it sounded like to me, the saleslady felt that the alterations lady's opinion would result in her getting a big sale from this woman. I think it worked but felt it should have been done AFTER my appt afterall Id made my appt weeks ago and had it reserved. Annoying!

The below picture shows how the dress looks after she hemmed up the front [which looked really nice and changes the whole look of the dress since it was way too long and I am so petite] You may notice that on each side of my bust. She had pulled in the sides somewhat with pins. This is when i ended up cutting my arm during the appt as I accidentally moved my arm and it got caught on a large pin. I didn't know I cut myself til hrs later.]

I had to have the side of my bust pulled in for a more flattering figure fitting top otherwise it looked like I had a sloppy figure with no breasts. I was wearing a strapless push up padded body slip along with silicone adhesive bra underneath to push up and enhance breasts. I hardly notice a difference and now think maybe I should have bought a size bigger, a B cup instead and I am seriously thinking I will either take a trip to Macy's or Victoria's Secret to buy a B cup silicone adhesive bra as I am now anxious my breasts are going to look funny since I'm not very full chested or curvy with this strapless dress. I never wear strapless anything cos obviously I don't have the breasts or the body for it.

I want to look perfect on my wedding day so I guess I have to spend an extra thirty bucks buying another silicone adhesive bra set since I am unable to return the one I just bought from David's Bridal which is an A cup. They have a strict policy where you cannot return or exchange anything once you purchase from them. It's one thing I really hate about them among several other things and think if I ever had to shop for wedding stuff again that I may not ever want to work with them again. I noticed that after you buy your dress, people are less friendly to help or give you great customer service and even when trying my dress for alterations, no one raved about how beautiful my dress looked on me yet that is all they did the day I was trying it on and thinking of buying it. Instead the alteration lady raved about the other girl's dress who had not yet bought a wedding dress and was considering buying that day. I found that curious and funny. It shows me that you only get compliments and flattery when you are considering buying from them, but once you buy, all that goes out the window. I don't think its coincidence and I think that is very bad customer service. It turns me off to ever want to shop with them again!

Anyway here I am below, with the bust pulled in with pins-




This will have to be sewn and taken in. Again my face and arms look red and I worry that it is from a past summer tan and won't fade in time for my wedding :/


View of back of gown:



I wanted to get a full view of the back, so here it is :) I really love the look of the corset tied up and the way the rest of the shape of the gown shows off my figure and curve :)



After Note:

I have a second appt, on November 5th at 7.30pm to be re-fit into gown, to make sure the new alterations fit my body well and to also have my bustle for my train built into my wedding dress. This is done so that when you go to the reception you can walk, move and dance without tripping on the train. This cost 225 dollars and I'm not sure if that included the train or not- that may have just been taking the bust, and waist in as well as having to hem the dress because I'm too short and petite. I felt like my body looked a little thinner, less fatty, bloated since the day I bought the dress in May and felt it was slightly noticeable but maybe im imagining that. It isn't drastic so I guess you might not really notice.
PS
To show you the difference between when I first tried on the dress back in May of this year and photographed it AND pix from this past wkend in October--I will share the pix from back in May. I feel I look way heavier in these pix and there is a noticeable weight loss although it may be harder to tell because in this set of pix I was wearing the veil with tiara over the dress and in the pix from alteration I am not wearing either of of those.











++++++++

Below are some of the things we ordered last month as party favors for our November Wedding, it arrived at my parents house this past weekend!

[we also finished addressing all our invitations earlier in the week and mailed them out on this past wednesday, by the way. we have had four replies since last week already from close family/friends who have already sent their reply saying they will be there!]

Party Favors we got:




#1 wedding beverage/ bar napkins in the color of lilac with silver writing, personalized with our names and wedding date along with symbol we both chose- the butterfly. since its my favorite and is already a semi-theme in the wedding and ties very well to orchids and a number of other styles ive chosen for my wedding thus far.






#2 disposable butterfly cameras for each main guest table.









#3 matches with symbol [chinese for love] and our names, wedding date on item [blk/silver]

ps We think we are going to order this pretty, unique and cool party favor as the wow factor for our wedding reception as a gift to our guest attending :)

It is a silver or pewter butterfly bookmark [i love it and ties in with our wedding theme]

Fund it on a website called http://www.favorsbyserendipity.com/

Here is the link to what we plan to get!

http://www.favorsbyserendipity.com/themed_product_pages/p-slg-6401-fc.html