staring at the sun [a sunny sunday + pix]

Sunday:

Started the day by waking up around noon. Jimmy was still asleep hilariously as this is ABnormal for someone like him who rises early everyday even on his day off. He is typically up at 9am and I am generally lucky if I can wake up by 12 noon Haha. Not a morning person at all which grates on his / and his parents nerves when we visit them. I have always been a night person so sorry if they don't get it but that is my nature. I think he finally accepts me as I am and his parents have given up, but every now and then they take a jab at me, inserting that I have a problem with being up all nite and showing clear displeasure and disregard to how their insults make me feel. I usually change the subject or just say YEP with a little sarcastic laugh. I refuse to react to them OR explain myself- I don't need to define my reasons for anything. They already know why I am the way I am but fail to understand. That is not my problem. It is theirs and I don't have time to be bothered by their judgements. Could really care less if they love me or not - anyway- but of course it would be nice if they liked me just a little bit and said something that made me feel like I was good enough for their son and that centered on praise rather than criticism.

Anyway, I digress...

So we got the sunday paper which I recently got him into the routine of getting in order to get the Michael's sunday paper coupons to use towards our wedding and to cut out grocery coupons so we could save money. It amazes me that he never did this prior to me ever or used coupons. I grew up with parents or rather a mother who did this all the time and raised me to do the same as a grown up.

In my first marriage all we did was live for saving money and using coupons as much as possible where as Jimmy kind of didn't want to be bothered by the hassle because he has always made enough money to live comfortably and personally I just don't feel he has any idea what its like to struggle financially or to even be so poor you don't have enough food or are starving. Anyway, after gathering coupons and deciding which ones we wanted to use that day, we made a rough list of what we needed to buy at the store.

This was a day of chores- spent it vaccuming the whole living room and main area of apartment which was a job in itself since things are tight and it's become cluttered and disorganized as of late due to being so busy and mentally overwhelmed with so much wedding planning And other ongoing things.

I then took a shower, put some minimal makeup on and got dressed as we had to take a much needed trip to the grocery store to stock up on food and such for the week.

I have decided that on weekends even if its just chores or errands running around, i will from now on make the exerted effort to try to dress nicely, wear makeup and look nice because I want to try to break out of the rut Ive been in for the last few yrs and the last few times I attempted to do this - inc. past weekend- I have found that it greatly improves my self confidence and makes me feel a lot happier within myself.

I gather he thinks its silly...to dress up, put makeup or look nice just to go grocery shopping because he kind of made a remark like - why was i wearing makeup and taking pix just to shop at publix? he doesn't entirely get my line of thinking.

I feel like if you allow yourself to stop trying and you accept that you are in a rut but do not do anything to change it, that you make the choice to remain miserable and stagnant. I am not doing it as much for him as I am for myself.

Someone has to uplift me and I realize it isn't dependent entirely on him although it would be nice if he would make more of an effort. I take responsibility for making myself feel better about me, by changing the way Ive let myself go and swapping my old attitude out for a new one. Its odd how fall this year is feeling a lot like spring - in that I feel more positive, like I am shedding some of negative and becoming renewed by starting over again, feeling reborn.

I think its partially the impending marriage and the symbolic meaning underneath it all for me, but something in this makes me feel like the way spring feels. when the old dies and begins to grow anew after a cycle of cold mourning and death. renewal and rebirth.

I feel I am going thru something very transformational and significant.


Sunday shopping at Publix

We did our usual weekly shopping at our local grocery store which we've been going to for about two yrs now. This is a place we often go to and the main grocery store we choose to shop at. everything else is far or in unfavorable areas. I know its a sort of unexciting photo, but it was such a lovely day and felt like autumn in the air, that i couldn't resist getting a few pictures.

I know I may be strange, but I like having pix of the area I lived in so that in the future I can look back and remember what I was doing, where I was at and what period of my life I was in.

I realize in the two yrs Ive lived in this city, I have very little of pix of "my area" whereas when I lived in my parents city and in chicago, I had numerous pix in the areas I frequented and I find that now when I see that I have these, and look back on it, I am so grateful for those memories. recorded forever.

No matter how trivial or cliche, boring, plain it may seem to others, it isn't to me. I have a mind that easily flashes back to memories and it is triggered by a number of ways related to senses. It is most triggered aurally and visually for me.

My memories are heavily marked and preserved by way of visuals, sounds, smells, things connected to the senses. This is probably why I am so sentimental and nostalgic in personality. It's just the way I have always been and the way my mind and heart works and it is one of my favorite things about myself. I cherish this.

[I have often been told that I have a photographic memory. Over the years due to trauma/abuse/emotional distress, I believe that my perfect memory has suffered some and I find sometimes grasping for things I used to know or remember so well, but for the most part, I have the most vivid precise detailed memory of anyone I know or anyone I have encountered and I am often complimented for this by others because they notice it also.]

The sun was too bright, it was really glaring in my eyes which is why in most pix I either was turned away or squinting to see like crazy.

(end)

from start to finish, the day had its moments.

[from past weekend: our saturday with current pix of us included in entry]


Sandals Voucher for Jamaica + upcoming Honeymoon

Jimmy got the voucher in the mail saturday as he finished paying the final balance for the trip, I think, a few pix to document this :D







Saturday before leaving apt and at University Mall:





University Mall Courtyard- This is us sitting at a table, after a visit to candy shop to check out Davant Sweets-










Starbuck's Break







Jimmy hated this picture as I took it when he wasn't expecting it and he looked annoyed. He always gets testy when we are at the mall and he is in a hurry to finish things while I'd like to enjoy my time there since we hardly ever go and I see no reason for being so crabby. Its the weekend and we rarely go out, I was trying to have fun!





I got this coffee cup at starbuck's because it was not that expensive and I had admired it the previous time we were there and really wanted it since it was so pretty. I rarely drink coffee but drink green tea, chai tea, or cocoa on occasion during the colder months so I thought it would be perfect.

Plus Ive never had my own personal coffee cup so I thought it would be nice for those rare occasions. I really loved the floral print and colors especially paired with the lovely pale aqua blue inside the inner rim of cup and mixed in with red floral print- that is what I was drawn to. I am a very visually stimulated person.

Btw I had my usual at starbuck's - a grande iced caramel macchiato [spelling?] with extra caramel. they put a little too much caramel and i couldn't get the drink to come out of the straw. of course because i am a klutz, i accidentally spilled coffee on my jeans and the rest of shopping trip, all I could smell was coffee lingering from my body. That annoyed me, I don't like that smell of coffee if you spill it all over something on you.

Luckily i was able to wipe it up good and we did all of our laundry last nite [we did it in the middle of the nite so we ended up being up pretty late, watched SNL in between loads and waiting for everything to be done. by the time we went to bed we were exhausted. i fell asleep right away]

Tux Fitting at Men's Wearhouse for Jimmy

I was sitting in the back of the dressing room while the young alteration girl had my Jimmy try on his tux for our wedding. I'd have taken a picture of them but then that would have embarrassed him, so instead while he was busy in the fitting room and the salesgirl went in the back, I took a quickie picture of myself sitting there in front of the 3-way mirror to capture the moment and memory plus I was mesmerized by the way the mirror reflected so many angles .

Not to sound vain or anything, but I admired my own outfit, while passing time. This mirror made me look better than the one at home and it looked like I definitely lost weight so that made me feel happy as the past year or two Ive felt pretty down about my heaviness. I was wearing some black skinny jeans which I got last year and couldn't even wear because a few months ago, they wouldn't have even fit.

If I sound obsessed over my weight, its because I've felt stuck in a rut for 2 yrs now and it makes me happy to be able to wear clothes that were too small not long ago. It also motivates me to keep myself in check so that I don't gain that weight back. I haven't felt very positive about myself in a long time and it feels good that I can feel this way now but I'm still hesitant, because I'm afraid that if I feel truly happy, I will end up back in that rut again, heavy.

It's blurry but somehow I still like it. I think I might actually look thin and if it seems like I am stuck on that. If I seem fixated on this and surprised, it is because I never thought I'd feel good about myself again and it just seems like some kind of miracle. I did still weigh 101 pounds when I last checked. I was around 107 over a month ago.

I still would like to lose some more weight but I am satisfied with the weight I am right now, if that isn't possible. I feel much better with myself at 101 than 107. Before I actually would have times where I'd get very sad over it and feel so awful inside over it. Depressed.and Hopeless.

These pix serve as a reminder to myself to keep striving to eat healthier and take better care of myself. I am going to try my best.

After alterations, we stopped at michael's arts and crafts for some wedding favors geared towards candy, the tins to hold them and then had dinner at Chili's before heading home. He watched his game he was anxious over missing of course and I spent some time organizing, cleaning and writing.

I took this picture on our way home while in the car. This is where we live near. We live in a college town. It was very overcast much of the day although both yesterday and today felt like fall was in the air and looked brighter than this at different parts of the day and felt quite breezy with right amount of sun/warmth.

That made me pretty happy, the feeling of fall, although you cannot tell by the looks of it.

Florida doesn't really show 'seasonal change' like other states do, it is tropical after all. :)

Saturday evening we spent doing laundry and watching the latest Saturday Night Live episode which had the most hilarious rap by Amy Poehler with other members of cast.

I loved the eskimos rapping alongside Amy and the cheesy portrayal of todd palin in snowsuit with that funny looking shaped goatee. fucking hilarious. LOL

We loved it so much we rewinded and watched it a second time and are keeping it to record to a vhs tape hehe

Here's the clip that appeared on a fox show. they tend to be slanted in their beliefs there and are known to be very conservative right wing but it was the only clip I could find of the actual rap skit. I didn't really listen to what the hosts of that show said on this video as i just fast forwarded to make sure the SNL rap skit was covered in it! For those interested and who love a good laugh, take a peek :D

they no longer allow embedding so here is the link which allows u to play the SNL snippet:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6ya39slPgs

PS sarah palin is annoying. they rave about how great palin was and how she knows how to have fun. i still think palin is tacky and do not agree with their thoughts at all. i think she looked like she was 'pretending' to be hip but she is so far from that, its not even funny.