SO busy and all the latest going on with me!

Life is so crazy right now- been SUPER busy with finishing touches on wedding which is in upcoming November month. and my birthday is this saturday, day after halloween. past wkend between being swamped with little wedding details, the stress of fking trainwreck florist Laurie- been exhausted and overwhelmed. called us to RUIN our saturday morning/day to tell us she had spoken with HEAD FLORIST [funny how the past six mos she represented herself as the EXPERT IE. HEAD florist and LED us on to believe she is something she is NOT]

In any case, she now told us, weeks before OUR wedding- that the head florist CANNOT do ALL colors we chose for reception [yellow, light green, and melon-red colored orchids] have to be fucking changed because florist says they do not match our lilac color in the wedding [my dress is ivory and bridesmaids are lilac]

Jimmy handled it all for us on the telephone and kept his cool but he is about to go off the deep end too and my mom almost wanted to just find another florist at the last minute because Laurie is that disruptive and stressful to everyone and because she is starting to get nervous this flightly Laurie is going to screw up our wedding and waste 500 plus dollars of her hard earned money. i could tell she is feeling as anxious as i am. we've revised our own plan but wont be able to discuss with laurie til nov. 9th and we KNOW she will make it hard no matter how organized we are because she is consistent about making us start from scratch and not allowing us to just tell her what we want and to be decisive in our decisions.

Laurie is so neurotic that she makes you go thru every single detail to assure herself she is not going to fuck your wedding up. i have about had it to HERE with her and when we do see her, if she tries to inflict more doubt, uncertainty in the choices we make- i am going to go off on her and tell her simply, this is what we want and this is what we are paying you for, so please just do it and stop making everything more complicated than it needs to be. this is ridiculous.

I will be reporting her ASAP after this wedding is over, btw, to the appropriate manager at Publix. No way is she getting off on this so she can ruin someone else's wedding in the future. she is completely incompetent in her role as 'event planner' and does not belong in the job title she is currently in and needs major training in customer skills although I believe it is a mental defect in how she treats others and she is so neurotic and all over the place, that she does not belong in a job that involves leadership, customer service, assertiveness or in catering to a person's special day.

The appropriate head people NEED to be aware of her inability to perform her job or remain professional. I expect her to challenge our decisions of floral and colors on our nov. 9th appt.

We will print and bring the ones we found online [i'll share pix of these at end of entry below] because we simply do NOT want to email her our ideas cos she will just ASK more stupid questions and waste more of our time on the phone, cause more stress and really I would like to fking enjoy my 37th bday this coming saturday and want NO part of laurie in my life this week. Everytime I think about her, I get pissed off. I do not have the patience to deal with her right now. I am fed up.

***Here are the orchid colors we are considering and hope we can come to an amicable consensus b/t laurie and head florist as I dont have much energy left to contend with our choices NOT being good enough.

I hardly think I LACK the visual sense of what colors go with what and knowing how to put colors together. That is one of my best skills and fashion is something I have always considered as a career because that is how good I am at style and color so it REALLY insults me when someone suggests that the color flowers I chose do not go wtih the colors in my wedding not to mention the fact that I thought we HIRED her and are paying her to do our wedding. Doesn't that mean that we have total say in what we want and that what we say goes??!! I feel like these people act like they are the customers and we are the ones working for them. I just don't get it.

Phalaenopsis Orchids >

Doritaenopsis Ruey Lih Beauty "M"





Phalaenopsis Orchids >


Phalaenopsis Sogo David





Dendrobium Orchids >


Dendrobium Nestor "Nagata"




Cymbidium Orchids >

Cymbidium Meglee "Miss Taipei"




Cymbidium Orchids >


Cymbidium Lady Fire "Red Angelica"




Cymbidium Orchids >

Cymbidium Dorothy Stockstill "Forgotten Fruits" with Two Flower Stems




Cymbidium Orchids >


Cymbidium Waltz "Romance"

PS.

BTW, I have the bridal shower pix finally but haven't had any time to upload and share here. Will later when I can find some time! Also had dinner with parents and visited on wkend and took a few photos over there on Saturday. Will share and post at a later date.

New things or upcoming:

1- Marriage License appt is November 7th for the two of us. we cant believe how fast everything is going and it is really an emotionally warming/moving experience to realize that by the end of November I will be his wife and him my husband :D

2- his coworkers which are predominantly female [most i've met and are nice, always tell me what a nice guy he is and such a great catch cos he is so polite and ultimate helpful boss/worker with them] want to hold a little late lunch/dinner get together for US in honor of our upcoming wedding. A bit like a shower but not really..More like a get together and celebration of our upcoming future.

I think that is so sweet and I look forward to it actually. It is really nice of them to think of us this way especially when some people are still set in the tradtitional way of things. It's rare that coworkers would throw any sort of party for the guy in the engaged relationship or the couple then again maybe it is cos they are female and he is well liked by them. It is refreshing that they aren't stuck in conservative conventional ways which I think are very unrealistic in this day and age. It is refreshing that people realize things are far different today and both people in coupleship deserve to be honored! :)

More things going on in life, not all connected to our upcoming wedding, in a future entry when time allows me to do so. I feel so scattered and all over the place that I feel I am way behind when it comes to sharing all that I want presently. More later when I have unlimited time to think, focus and write! :)

issues + power struggles

I wrote this to my fiance because I am at times triggered by the fact that he often doesn't appreciate the emails I send to share my thoughts/ feelings with him and he doesnt really email me much at all when at work. Its foreign to me and Ive never known anything like this. It also makes me very unhappy that he has little interest in emailing me, sharing or replying to what i do take time and effort to share. It irritates me and upsets me.

J. doesn't share much and I've had to pull everything out of him that Ive gotten in the past. he never tells me about his day or his friendships at work, he never volunteers anything with me and I always have to hint or ask him straight out. I hate that.

It makes it seem like he doesn't want to share anything with me and I feel resentful. He says that he just doesn't share cos he feels its work and its unimportant but I disagree. Sharing makes me feel closer whether its trivial or deep, and we are sharing a life together.

I had a PAST relationship and a marriage that encompassed constant sharing, there was not one thing we couldnt tell one another and it made me absolutely the happiest most secure person in the world and it is HOW ALL relationships should be. It is what I want. I cannot live with someone who cannot give me this.

I love my fiance but this is a big problem to me and it is an ISSUE that has to be fixed or I will grow bitter towards him and it will push me away and the marriage will be doomed.

I need someone who lets me inside and communicates. he has major trouble with both of these and often shuts me out esp when I most need empathy, care, soothing, consolation.

I have to SCREAM, cry and get upset for him to even give nuturance that I want.

I am very needy. and he is very emotionally distant at times. He never discusses the relationship, how he feels or what he thinks. It bothers me and drives me insane most of the time.

I do not like it and I want it to change.

I wrote the below email to him yesterday when I found he still had not read something I sent a week ago to share something I wrote in this diary, that was important to me. I was extremely hurt.

I often feel I am not a priority or important to him. I feel worthless that he doesn't read what I write when I send it and furious that I have to fking remind him to read what i sent a long time ago by forwarding the same email I had already sent him and asking him everyday did he read it yet.

He always says oh no, i forgot or i am too busy YET he has time to do other things which I feel should NOT be a higher priority than me. his reply to me in this email made me blow up and cry for an HOUR or more hysterically last nite.

J. basically replied how he always does wthout apology, without any remorse, without acknowledging that I feel hurt, without empathy, without saying he will try, without admitting he should try and that he wants to try becos he loves me enough he wants me to be happy. He is great at saying nothing and the more I want him to comfort me and console me when upset, the more he ignores me walks away or acts like I do not exist. There is nothing that makes me angrier and that is the quickest way to get me to fking HATE you.

J. didn't say anything and I asked aren't u going to say something to what I wrote to you?!!!

[This is how it is anytime I tell him how I feel + what I want from him in the relat. he says absol nothing and I feel enraged]

So then he replies with: "I don't know what you want me to say. "

I say, " You Have Got To Be Fking kidding me!!! You don't know what to say?!?!?! Are you fking for real???

And after all this, ALL he could say which made me more hurt and even angrier, was this fking pathetic answer:

"Well the baseball game thing was time sensitive so I had time for that."

SO, in other words, my words and what I share are not significant. F**king NICE. He eventually came in the bedroom and told me he loved me but he is always so emotionally vacant when I cry and hurt, and he acts the opposite of what you think someone who loves someone would act WOULD. He is always stiff like he is uncomfortable.

I do NOT get IT or HIM. It is just beyond my comprehension. I got over IT but it is an issue and he didn't really say anything of validity to make me convinced he gets ME and gets that this needs to be fixed if he wants US to work out.

I wrote him this:

Hi sweetie, thanks. it's just that I notice even when busy, you don't avoid reading/ or replying to any of your male friends who write you. I notice you read and replied right away to bryan when it had to do with baseball, that you do read/ and write back to any of your friends in general or your bros if they email you. I would like to be treated with the same type of loyalty and excitement, effort that you give to them.

Maybe if you did w/b and make me feel that you cared about the things I sent by replying with a single word reply or one sentence to know that you even read it, I would not send so many emails in a day to you. The more I feel I don't get attention , the more I act out by desperately seeking your attention.

If I continue to feel ignored, I will just send more and more and eventually I will get very angry because I begin to resent that I am not noticed, appreciated, or given attention to. If I feel invisible that means I feel like I am worth nothing and the amount of confliction/pain I feel over this "rejection" is tremendous.

My anger is created out of pent up feelings of rejection and it is tied to past abuse. Whether you want to believe it or not, the past is always a result of how someone reacts, feels, and views things in the future. If you have not suffered abuse, you will NEVER understand. The damage is forever but if you don't realize the way I am affected/effected or start seeing the things that do upset me and start changing those things- you will continue to make me feel hurt. If you love me, you will wake up and notice these things and do what it takes to exert effort to show you care what I have to say when I share it with you.

The TINY amount of effort you could make takes NOTHING to do and I don't care how busy you are. If you have time to write your friend about baseball and find tix and world series times to find a way to go, then you SURELY DO have adequate time to read my measley small email that I only shared to be close to you and share a part of my world in diary writing and what I share with people who are my friends outside of YOU.

I sent my thoughts WAY before the day B. wrote you and you searched for baseball tix but being busy did NOT stop you from taking time/effort to read, write, and find out stuff for him + for yourself. That probably took MORE time to do than reading and writing one sentence back to my email would have. That proves to me that IF something or someONE is important enough to you, then You WILL find the time. If I were top priority, the same would be true but I am not a sport or baseball so I do not come first. That is just how I see it, no offense.

Just sharing my frustration of feelings. It is not my intention to make you feel small or hurt you or yell at you or make you feel stupid. My intention is to get you to see that it really hurts when you don't acknowledge things I share or make any effort to tell me you read it and what you thought or show some way that you care that I sent you some part of myself. It hurts me that you don't and I have asked you over and over again to please make an effort and told you how it makes me hurt, cry and sad.

I want to get my point Across on this because if I don't, I am going to get more and more bitter and resentful becos inside I feel very rejected by you a lot of the time and you are not doing much to change it.

I also feel my feelings on this are justified and I have never had a relat. with someone who had a problem that I lived with or dated, emailing me or emailing me back to every email I wrote them and making me feel like I was the MOST important and the CENTER of their world. That tells me a lot.

Anyone can make the effort and will when they truly want to show the person in their life that they love them and it really isn't any effort to make when you truly are devoted to the person you love. That is what I give to you and what I want to get back. It is what I deserve and it is absolutely nothing I should feel guilty about, because it takes nothing out of any man who is marrying the woman he loves and is asking her to be his wife. These are things that should come easy and is part of the role of what you give to your wife.

If you are not able to give this, you aren't going to be able to handle being married. that is the honest truth. I hope you think about what I have said and realize that I do love you that is why I am trying to 'fix' this cos it is a problem , a big problem in the relationship.

Lack of sharing and communication will not work for me- things will not last if you cannot learn to give more than you do, verbally and emotionally. I am not asking for anything that is impossible or that is not a "given" in ALL marriages not to mention general committed relationships that do not even include marriage yet. Please consider all this.

I love you,
April

+++

Ironically I then received this random email from emotionalhealth.com and the topic was on the top ten secrets to a happy and lasting coupleship/marriage. I found it fking hilarious and also redeeming to see everything I had stated and emphasized to him about healthy happy relationships and what he NEEDS to do and work on, was in this email by a REAL therapist. I could not wait to show how this article supported every thing I had tried to get him to see but he wouldn't listen to me. So I couldn't resist to send it. I wasn't trying to rub it in his face but he constantly makes me feel like I have to PROVE what I say is TRUE, valid, credible and REAL in order to get him to believe in what I say. I wonder why I have self esteem and confidence issues. It's because I always sense by the way he reacts to my emotionality that he doesnt support what I think or feel my view is rational or real.

I always feel he is doubtful of me or accuses me of exaggerating. I always feel like I have to prove myself. it would be nice if someone loved me enough to believe in and actually have faith in me and see me as a competent person. I have screamed at him over this several times in the past yr.

Yes, it has been a very stressful yr in our relationship becos he is so unaware of what it takes to have a healthy relat. and he is SO resistant when it comes to change, compromise or giving validation - he especially does NOTHING to really help me cope with my mental illness nor does he have any interest in reading on it. It discourages and pisses me off.

He says he supports me but doesn't need to read about my bipolar disorder. I think people like this are ignorant and lazy. He just doesnt want to put any effort forth. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would do everything I could for him. Because that is what love is. His attitude also reflects what his parents think that people who say they are depressed are just lazy and it doesn't really exist. I truly hate ignorant people.

So I sent him the note below along with article!

Hi sweetie,
The majority of this list covers ALL the things I have been trying to tell you for a long time and what I keep emphasizing everytime I am upset or have an issue with our relationship. All the things I have tried to make a point to get you to understand are covered in here. These simple ideas are in line with what I have said to you all along and have asked for. They support everything I tried to get you to see earlier tonite when I was upset, but that you seemed to resist against and not understand that they are indeed required in any lasting or growing relationship and most definitely in marriage.

If this doesn't make you see how important what I say is, I don't know what will but this was written by a licensed marriage therapist and I think this will prove to you that I know what I am talking about when it comes to successful loving relationships and what is necessary if you want to last.

I believe it is important that we always work on our relationship just like this says and it is one of my strongest beliefs in life. I think it is important to care about the relationship you have with your partner and I think that taking care of the relationship shows how MUCH you are invested in the person you love and in what the two of you share together. When you are invested in something, you do whatever it takes to make it work because you value that thing or person.

This article is short and covers ten main points. It should make all the things I have said to you over and over, valid. I think this will also make you realize that what I have asked for is realistic and it does need to be worked on and not ignored or swept under the rug until the next argument.

I hope you will now take seriously what I have said when you see that these things are most certainly required for our relationship or any marriage to succeed. Please take the time to read this. Thanks.

Love, April

+++

The 10 Secrets of Happy Couples

By Maud Purcell, LCSW, CEAP

December 10, 2006

They might be 30, or 75. They come in all colors, shapes, sizes and income brackets. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been together. Whatever the demographics, when you see a happy couple, you just know it!

How do these couples stay in love, in good times and in bad? Fortunately, the answer isn’t through luck or chance. As a result of hard work and commitment, they figure out the importance of the following relationship “musts.” Because few couples know about all of the musts, I think of them as the relationship “secrets.”

Happy Couples and Their Secrets

1. Develop a realistic view of committed relationships.

Recognize that the crazy infatuation you experienced when your romance was new won’t last. A deeper, richer relationship, and one that should still include romance, will replace it. A long-term relationship has ups and downs, and expecting it will be all sunny and roses all the time is unrealistic.

2. Work on the relationship.

An untended garden develops weeds that can ultimately kill even the heartiest plants. And so it is with relationships. It is important to address problems and misunderstandings immediately. Some people believe good relationships just happen naturally. The truth is that a good relationship, like anything you want to succeed in life, must be worked on and tended to on a regular basis. Neglect the relationship, and it will often go downhill.

3. Spend time together.

There is no substitute for shared quality time. When you make a point of being together, without kids, pets and other interruptions, you will form a bond that will get you through life’s rough spots. Time spent together should be doing a shared activity, not just watching television.

4. Make room for “separateness.”

Perhaps going against conventional wisdom, spending time apart is also an important component of a happy relationship. It is healthy to have some separate interests and activities and to come back to the relationship refreshed and ready to share your experiences. Missing your partner helps remind you how important he or she is to you.

5. Make the most of your differences.

Stop and think: What most attracted you to your partner at the beginning? I’ll almost guarantee that it was exactly the thing that drives you most insane today. Take a fresh look at these differences. Try to focus on their positive aspects and find an appreciation for those exact things that make the two of you different from one another. It’s likely that your differences balance one another out and make you a great team.

6. Don’t expect your partner to change; but at the same time give them more of what they want.

If both you and your partner stop trying to change each other, you will eliminate the source of most of your arguments. At the same time, each of you should focus on giving one another more of what you know the other person wants, even if it doesn’t come naturally. For instance, instead of complaining how your partner never cleans out the dishwasher, try just doing it yourself once in awhile without complaint. Your partner will likely notice your effort and make more of an effort themselves around the house. If you do both of these things at once you’ve got a winning plan!

7. Accept that some problems can’t be solved.

There may be issues upon which you cannot agree. Rather than expending wasted energy, agree to disagree, and attempt to compromise or to work around the issue. Two people cannot spend years together without having legitimate areas of disagreement. The test of a happy relationship is how they choose to work through such issues — through compromise, change, or finding it’s just not that important to stew over.

8. Communicate!

Lack of communication is the number one reason even good relationships fail. And here is a useful format for doing so, especially when dealing with incendiary topics: Listen to your partner’s position, without interrupting him or her. Just listen. When he or she is finished, summarize what you heard him or her say. If you can, empathize with your significant other even though you don’t agree. This will take your partner off of the defensive, and make it easier for them to hear your thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to argue when you use this format, and best of all, you may come up with an understanding or a solution.

9. Honesty is essential.

You may share with your partner the things he or she doesn’t want to hear. Better this than to have him or her doubt your honesty. Mistrust is one of the key deal breakers in relationships. And once trust is lost or broken, it can take a very long time to re-establish it in the relationship.The happiest couples are the ones where honesty is as natural and every day as breathing.

10. Respect your partner, and don’t take him or her for granted.

Treating your sweetheart with respect is likely to get you the same in return. And regularly reminding them how much they mean to you will enrich your relationship in indescribable ways. When you say, “I love you,” pause for a moment to really mean it. And don’t be afraid to express your feelings of appreciation with your partner — he or she will be thankful that you did.

Making these secrets an integral part of your relationship won’t be easy. In fact, your efforts may initially seem like planted seeds that never come up. If you maintain your efforts, however, you will likely reap what you sow.

What's Related

Loving in Flow

Historical Secrets to Happiness

Be My Valentine: An Exercise to Grow Your Relationship

Agreeing to Disagree: Overcoming Communication Conundrums in Relationships

5 Secrets to a Successful Long-Term Relationship or Marriage

Couples Can Communicate Without Anger

Couples and Marriage Counseling

Acknowledging and Accepting Your Mate

Other articles by Maud Purcell, LCSW, CEAP

+++

I was happy to get this reply from Jimmy this morning:

Hi, babe. I just wanted to quickly say that I read this and I agree that we have to work on these things. I acknowledge most of it will take a better effort on my part and I am committed to making our relationship stronger. I do appreciate you and am interested in the things you say and share, and I apologize for not expressing my feelings in a way that it would be more apparent to you. I love you very much!

I’m going to read your other message about the marriage license now, so if there’s anything I need to do with that today, I will. I hope you have a good day!

Love,

Jimmy

+++

I hope it all sinks in. I thanked him and told him I love him. I am sure he is frustrated with me or tired of me asking for more but I refuse not to tackle things that need to be fixed.

I want the best for our relationship and I won't remain quiet or allow myself to suffer/ be walked over or made to feel insignificant ever. I will stand up for myself always.


**Just a venting entry.

We are fine but we have issues like anyone else. This will indeed be NO NOTES. I do not need to get any notes that make me feel worse, cause me more stress, or make me more angry towards him. I do not need advice, I am already doing all I can. I just get tired of keeping it all inside + I have to vent thru writing otherwise I will go insane and the emotions will crush me.

I write entries like this very rarely becos I do not want my relationship with fiance dissected, picked apart, or put under a microscope.

ready to kill this woman. is she loony or what?

someone please hold me BACK before i go insane and explode on this woman.

i think i am going to scream if she ASKS us the same stupid questions we've already answered again. she has Asked these questions in every time we have met with her. count them - three f***ing times. what the F--k is her problem??

we only spoke with her a week ago via telephone. every question she asked in this email or stated, we have already answered thru the phone.

may i add i have sent clear concise emails in past with details of what i want and do not want.

thank god for my fiance who wrote me something supportive and soothing. im glad he wrote what he did to me because if he had just forwarded her email without saying anything to keep me from stressing out, i would have lost it. this woman is making me lose my cool, and fast.

the comforting thing is that jimmy is experiencing it firsthand with me and validates my feelings by acknowledging feeling the same feelings and frustration. it's so much better when the other supports how you feel and gets 'it' because then you avoid the plaguing and overbearing feeling that kills, that feeling of feeling 'alone' in the world.

he doesn't often commisserate with my feelings because i am way more emotional than him and we are built differently. i am sensitive. he is covered with walls, that he prob formed at a young age to make everyone think he is strong and to keep himself from ever being truly hurt. somex i envy him but it is not my nature and i can never be like him.

we are different people.

the key to contentment is acceptance and finding a way to fit together even when inner natures can be so vastly different. it is merely the difference between a man and a woman.

i think maybe this is common ground experienced and explored and most felt by women.

we are feeling creatures and i wouldn't have it any other way.

---

morning email exchange forwarded to me by my fiance this afternoon:

Subj:Fw: your 11/28/08 wedding
Date:10/21/2008 10:14:50 AM Eastern Daylight Time

Hi, babe. I'm just forwarding this to you so we can go over it together tonight. You'll also have to give your Mom a heads up on the 50% deposit. We'll need to work our order down to get it to where your Mom is comfortable with it.

Looks like Laurie still doesn't know what is going on and is going to make it as difficult as she can for us. I'm going to write her to say that we can't make a 6:00 pm appointment, so we'll either have to do something later on a weekday or on a weekend. If the florist can't make arrangements around our schedule, then too bad. I can't really take off work anytime between now and the middle of November, and I think your Mom needs to be there with us. If she can't drive to meet us at Publix, then we'd have to make it on the weekend.

Anyway, don't let Laurie stress you out. She is making it more difficult than it needs to be and we just have to get through one more appointment with her.

Have a good day and I'll see you in a few hours.

Love,
Jimmy

Forwarded Message ----
From: Events0754
To: Jimmy
Sent: Tuesday, October 21, 2008 9:47:26 AM
Subject: your 11/28/08 wedding

Yesterday, I met with our florist to review your order and make sure we are capturing everything and to get her professional opinion about the entire feel of the wedding. We do have a few questions.

The Wedding

1. For the Pew markers - have you already purchased the tulle?
2. We can now get lucky bamboos (its green and curls at the top) and it is very Asian. Do you know what that is? We can incorporate a few stalks in your altar arrangements and then use it in reception room, to carry your theme from the wedding to the reception.

The Reception

3. For the guestbook table - the butterfly arrangement - do you want the vase crystals to be light blue like in the photo or do you want it to be one of the colors you are using in the orchids?
4. For above, do you want the butterflies to be light blue and purple or do you want them to be multi-colored to coordinate with the yellow, oranges, greens and reds we are using for the blooms to float in the vases? We can make the butterflies most any color you want
5. Do you have access to a fax machine? I have found to other possible ideas for the head table but they are from magazines and so I can only fax them to you.
6. Since we are doing so many things that are not from our books, I want to set up another appointment and have our florist be present. Although she only works 8-5, she is willing to come back in for a 6pm meeting with you two, but it will have to be a weekday. I have 3 slots that we can do hopefully you can do one of them: Tue 10/28 6pm, Wed 10/29 6pm or Mon 11/10 6pm. Please let me know which one works best with your schedules.
7. Just a reminder that on Tue 10/28, you will need to fulfill your 50% deposit and since we don't know exactly the final total, I think a $400 deposit will be sufficient.

I look forward to hearing from you soon! We are just 6 weeks away!

Take care
Laurie

++

Subj: Re: your 11/28/08 wedding
Date: 10/21/2008 10:45:29 AM Eastern Daylight Time
From: Jimmy
To: Laurie at publix

Hi, Laurie. I'm going to go over your list of questions with April tonight and we'll get back to you in the next day or two. Regarding a follow-up appointment, we absolutely cannot make it for a 6:00 pm meeting during the week. I can't take off any time from work from now until mid-November. Also, April doesn't drive, so I'd have to pick her up and the earliest we'd be able to make it would be 6:30 pm or 7:00 pm depending on traffic. We'd also like her mother to be there with us again as she is the one paying for it and we don't want to order what we can't afford. I think she was OK with the $500 or so that was first quoted before the changes and adding the arrangements, but $800 is going to be too much so we'll have to scale things down a bit and eliminate where we can. We'd also probably have to pick her up in Clearwater if she is going to be there with us, which would effectively rule out any weeknight meetings. We'll have to check with her and get back to you on dates and times that work.

To answer your question about the tulle, we have bought one roll that we brought in to show you last time, but need to know if it is wide enough (5" or 6"?) or what the desired width would be and if wired tulle is OK. I know you said we'd need at least 30 yards and we definitely would like to purchase it ourselves. We may even be able to purchase butterflies, lucky bamboo, or anything else we can add to arrangements in order to bring the cost down a bit. We really need to do whatever we can to economize and still be beautiful without looking cheap.

I have access to a fax machine here at work and the number is (813) ----. If you are faxing anything, you'll have to include a cover sheet with my name on it so it doesn't get mixed up with anything.

You'll be hearing from us soon. If there are any other dates and times that would better fit into our schedules, please let us know. We'd really like to get this all squared away sooner than later so we have one less thing to worry about.

Thanks,
Jimmy

---

EDIT

my fiance has communicated with nutcake laurie who is further frustrating all and sent me more wedding info in regard to what she said and current details we need to attend to next in regard to delectables our caterer and contending with possibly hundreds more than originally quoted.

wtf?

annoying.

fiance has offered to pay for any overspill of this. i think he knows my mom is way in debt already with this and knows he has to pitch in.

here is what he said/ emailed me and here is a copy of the PDF details and pricing sent by delectables, includes breakdown of food and service provided and what comes with paid service and what each charge is for.

just updating to add this here:

Alma [my mom] and April,

Here is the proposal from Delectables if we have 60 people (PDF attachment). As of now, there are only 36 (including the DJ, photographer, and officiant) from the responses we've received, so it may be closer to the original quote they gave us unless we get a bunch of RSVPs this week. I counted a little more than 60 with all of the people that I thought were coming, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Alma, if the final count is higher than originally anticipated, I can try to pay you back somehow since most of the guests will be from my side. I don't remember exactly what the original quote was, but this one appears to be $200 or so higher from what I recall. We still have to check on the chair covers, which will probably be $200 or more, so I'll take care of that. We'll also see what we can do to get the flowers down to something more reasonable. Laurie at Publix wrote me back and said that Nov. 9th is better for their florist, so I guess we'll just stick with that date if you can make it there with us at 3:00pm. Hopefully, you can request that date off work or swap a shift with someone.

April, they need to know the color of napkins we'd like to use. I just called Marilyn and she said the options for our color scheme would be ivory, lavender, purple or deep purple. She doesn't have an exact match for Victorian lilac, but the lavender would be a lighter purple and might look nice if you didn't want ivory or something darker. I was just going to tell her we'd go with ivory, but I wanted to see what you wanted before writing her back.

Well, only one more hour of work. See you in a little while.

Love,

Jimmy

---

Delectables Catering contract for our wedding:

Event #: 4866 Prepared By: Marilyn
Event Date: Friday, November 28, 2008

Guest Count: 60

Occasion: Wedding Reception

Service Style: Buffet with China & Linens
Venue: White Chapel of Palm Harbor
Palm Harbor, FL 34683
Times : 7:00 PM Event Start

Trademark Buffet

Appetizers-

Stationary Hors D' Oeuvres
International Cheese Presentation w/ Gourmet Crackers
Garden Vegetable Cruditès served with Peppered Artichoke Dip
House Salad Buffet with Two Homemade Dressings

Chef's Choice Fresh Steamed Vegetables for Buffet
Assorted Dinner Rolls with Creamy Butter
Mashed Potatoes w/ White Peppecorn Gravy
garlic

Entree-

Camembert Chicken 4oz.
Herb Roasted Châteaubriand au Jus s/w Peppercorn Sce and Horserad.Chantilly

Beverages-

Freshly Brewed Coffee with Cream and Sugar

Menu Selection(s):
Trademark Buffet 60 @ $22.10 $1,326.00
Menu Total: $1,326.00

Venue to provide
Beverage Selection(s):

Price includes all china, standard linens and flatware

Tablecloth color - Ivory, Napkin color - ?
Accents Ivory and Victorian Lilac
Client to provide own cake, cake cutting fee waived
Champagne Glasses- Flutes 50 @ $0.50 $25.00
China, Flatware, and Standard Linens for Buffet 50 @ $0.00 $0.00
Miscellaneous Subtotal: $25.00

Staffing:

Servers 3 $285.00
Supervisor 1 $135.00
Staffing Subtotal: $420.00

Event Subtotal: $1,771.00

+++

10.00 % Gratuity: $177.10

Subtotal: $1,948.10

7.00 % Florida Sales Tax: $123.97

Event Subtotal: $2,072.07

Payments Received: ($500.00)

Event Total: $1,572.07

Deposit Amount: $500.00

Final Balance Due: 6 day(s) prior to event date.

Print Date: 10/21/2008

---

PS

I will write more later, right now fiance on way home and too much wedding stuff we need to tackle this evening as soon as he arrives home in next half hour. i am so far behind in updating here at this point.

my little lambie + vintage glam.

Earlier in the past week, Jimmy and I took a trip to bath and body works for some fall specials and because shopping there is one of our favorite things to do several times a year. we both love scents and body products. and I got him hooked on their products sometime last year. haha. We also took a trip there to check out possible wedding party gifts for our bridesmaids since the wedding is fast approaching and we have not fulfilled that part of our wedding to do list!

This is just a short introduction to what is a cute picture entry that illustrates our trip there and what we got. I added commentary to each picture underneath. We had much fun.

I also found the most fabulous necklace prior to this at macy's during the same evening and was so thrilled as I've been looking for the perfect vintage necklace made with good quality for over a year now.

See pix below :)


Bath and Body Works shopping




Autumn Ad Campaign for new aromatherapy Black Chamomile Line by Bath & Body Works



Lambie!








I got this lamb free with fifteen dollar purchase, its so soft and fleece like. jimmy got two free for spending double. one is his, and the other we got for alexcia [its white with brown ears]














Above is a photo of my Lambie, its grey [with black] it reminded me of noelle [my cat] a bit so that's why i thought it was the most adorable in color! ive been sleeping with it everynite, it has helped me the last three nites sleep right away and soundly. its prob not just the lamb that helped me sleep, its prob because we have been doing so much and i have been up late so its easy to fall asleep but i think the comfort of holding something fuzzy psychologically helps relax me so its helping tho i dont expect it to last.


Below is jimmy's lambie which is black and would barely photograph in this picture and the one that is white is the one we will give alexcia next time we see her to surprise her and make her happy!













^ above: we got these two small oriental style bags, which have a mini set of stress relief aromatherapy in it. it is some of their best stuff at bath and body works. it will be part of the bridesmaids gift [we will probably get a nice scented candle for each of them in addition at bath and body works next time we shop or a gift from sephora]






we got these two candles for autumn- the matching bath and body scent to my lotion-the pink one is their fig and brown sugar scent, its warm pretty but not too overpowering. sweet. the second is their aromatherapy candle in stress relief [eucalyptus] which ive bought several times and is a classic scent. we used it the nite we got it but my allergies were bothering me so it was only lit for a few hrs, i could barely handle even an hr. it was a little overpowering and bothered my nose/chest a bit.



the main bath and body works products we bought for shower/body:




with the purchases i bought, i had a coupon for one free item up to 13 dollars, so i got this below, its aromatherapy roll on for wrist to encourage sleep and relaxation- with lavender like all the other products by them in that line that i have at home already. havent tried it yet. i have tried something like this by them yrs ago. the idea is interesting but it has yet to really work. i think my inability to sleep is tied to being overstimulated and contending with feelings of mania. so aside from high powered psychiatric drugs, not much is going to be effective for me!!






^above is a new sugar scrub in lavender chamomile that i got to try, its in bath and body works aromatherapy line. in general, i've heard sugar scrubs or brown sugar scrubs make the skin super soft [hopefully i dont have an allergic reaction though since a lot of things make me itchy] and it seems to be the trend in a lot of high designer brands at sephora and all fashion magazines.

the free purchase i chose. from aromatherapy sleep line.

and, jimmy got the black chamomile body wash pictured in first pic with bath and body products summary of what we bought there. jimmy's new body wash is their newest scent this autumn and is supposedly a limited edition scent. it is unisex [i almost bought it cos the lady put the scented lotion of this on both our hands and i kept smelling it and thinking it smelled really good. maybe i might try some of his shower wash of this one of these days. the scent is black chamomile and supposed to detoxify the body or something.

+++


Vintage necklace by Betsey Johnson, found at Macy's


Since all my designer necklaces have broken in the past year I really am always looking for an antique retro glamorous type style [like 50's glam] necklace that can go with everything. i particularly like silver or tarnished silver antique styles with rhinestone or onyx stones..so i was thrilled when I found this one below which is one of the most unique/artsy designers in fashion and since Ive never been able to buy anything by her, I had to get this. It was 40 dollars but one time when allister and i looked at international mall in her boutique, just her clothes alone were hundreds of dollars a piece. she is an expensive fashion designer that specializes in the retro glam look, probably inspired by the 50's - vintage looks.








it's like a clear pendant with rhinestones all over it with a star shaped pendant above that is covered in tiny rhinestones, its got a double strand style necklace so the star hangs on a separate strand above larger tear shaped pendant, and it hangs long, to about the opening of a v-neck shirt. i took a few pix during wkend of me wearing it, so u might get an idea from those and will post them another time :)


below are pix i took of the necklace on the gift box that macy's gave with the necklace:































Excuse me for multiple pix of necklace. but because of how the stones refract light, i had a hard time capturing it on film. i did use macro and it was night time so i don't know if those were factors going against me. this was the best i could do!


I posted several views of necklace as many were different views and i am a bit neurotic. Haha.


I was obsessed with capturing necklace in clarity. I am satisfied with the fact that I did the best I could :)

staring at the sun [a sunny sunday + pix]

Sunday:

Started the day by waking up around noon. Jimmy was still asleep hilariously as this is ABnormal for someone like him who rises early everyday even on his day off. He is typically up at 9am and I am generally lucky if I can wake up by 12 noon Haha. Not a morning person at all which grates on his / and his parents nerves when we visit them. I have always been a night person so sorry if they don't get it but that is my nature. I think he finally accepts me as I am and his parents have given up, but every now and then they take a jab at me, inserting that I have a problem with being up all nite and showing clear displeasure and disregard to how their insults make me feel. I usually change the subject or just say YEP with a little sarcastic laugh. I refuse to react to them OR explain myself- I don't need to define my reasons for anything. They already know why I am the way I am but fail to understand. That is not my problem. It is theirs and I don't have time to be bothered by their judgements. Could really care less if they love me or not - anyway- but of course it would be nice if they liked me just a little bit and said something that made me feel like I was good enough for their son and that centered on praise rather than criticism.

Anyway, I digress...

So we got the sunday paper which I recently got him into the routine of getting in order to get the Michael's sunday paper coupons to use towards our wedding and to cut out grocery coupons so we could save money. It amazes me that he never did this prior to me ever or used coupons. I grew up with parents or rather a mother who did this all the time and raised me to do the same as a grown up.

In my first marriage all we did was live for saving money and using coupons as much as possible where as Jimmy kind of didn't want to be bothered by the hassle because he has always made enough money to live comfortably and personally I just don't feel he has any idea what its like to struggle financially or to even be so poor you don't have enough food or are starving. Anyway, after gathering coupons and deciding which ones we wanted to use that day, we made a rough list of what we needed to buy at the store.

This was a day of chores- spent it vaccuming the whole living room and main area of apartment which was a job in itself since things are tight and it's become cluttered and disorganized as of late due to being so busy and mentally overwhelmed with so much wedding planning And other ongoing things.

I then took a shower, put some minimal makeup on and got dressed as we had to take a much needed trip to the grocery store to stock up on food and such for the week.

I have decided that on weekends even if its just chores or errands running around, i will from now on make the exerted effort to try to dress nicely, wear makeup and look nice because I want to try to break out of the rut Ive been in for the last few yrs and the last few times I attempted to do this - inc. past weekend- I have found that it greatly improves my self confidence and makes me feel a lot happier within myself.

I gather he thinks its silly...to dress up, put makeup or look nice just to go grocery shopping because he kind of made a remark like - why was i wearing makeup and taking pix just to shop at publix? he doesn't entirely get my line of thinking.

I feel like if you allow yourself to stop trying and you accept that you are in a rut but do not do anything to change it, that you make the choice to remain miserable and stagnant. I am not doing it as much for him as I am for myself.

Someone has to uplift me and I realize it isn't dependent entirely on him although it would be nice if he would make more of an effort. I take responsibility for making myself feel better about me, by changing the way Ive let myself go and swapping my old attitude out for a new one. Its odd how fall this year is feeling a lot like spring - in that I feel more positive, like I am shedding some of negative and becoming renewed by starting over again, feeling reborn.

I think its partially the impending marriage and the symbolic meaning underneath it all for me, but something in this makes me feel like the way spring feels. when the old dies and begins to grow anew after a cycle of cold mourning and death. renewal and rebirth.

I feel I am going thru something very transformational and significant.


Sunday shopping at Publix

We did our usual weekly shopping at our local grocery store which we've been going to for about two yrs now. This is a place we often go to and the main grocery store we choose to shop at. everything else is far or in unfavorable areas. I know its a sort of unexciting photo, but it was such a lovely day and felt like autumn in the air, that i couldn't resist getting a few pictures.

I know I may be strange, but I like having pix of the area I lived in so that in the future I can look back and remember what I was doing, where I was at and what period of my life I was in.

I realize in the two yrs Ive lived in this city, I have very little of pix of "my area" whereas when I lived in my parents city and in chicago, I had numerous pix in the areas I frequented and I find that now when I see that I have these, and look back on it, I am so grateful for those memories. recorded forever.

No matter how trivial or cliche, boring, plain it may seem to others, it isn't to me. I have a mind that easily flashes back to memories and it is triggered by a number of ways related to senses. It is most triggered aurally and visually for me.

My memories are heavily marked and preserved by way of visuals, sounds, smells, things connected to the senses. This is probably why I am so sentimental and nostalgic in personality. It's just the way I have always been and the way my mind and heart works and it is one of my favorite things about myself. I cherish this.

[I have often been told that I have a photographic memory. Over the years due to trauma/abuse/emotional distress, I believe that my perfect memory has suffered some and I find sometimes grasping for things I used to know or remember so well, but for the most part, I have the most vivid precise detailed memory of anyone I know or anyone I have encountered and I am often complimented for this by others because they notice it also.]

The sun was too bright, it was really glaring in my eyes which is why in most pix I either was turned away or squinting to see like crazy.

(end)

from start to finish, the day had its moments.

[from past weekend: our saturday with current pix of us included in entry]


Sandals Voucher for Jamaica + upcoming Honeymoon

Jimmy got the voucher in the mail saturday as he finished paying the final balance for the trip, I think, a few pix to document this :D







Saturday before leaving apt and at University Mall:





University Mall Courtyard- This is us sitting at a table, after a visit to candy shop to check out Davant Sweets-










Starbuck's Break







Jimmy hated this picture as I took it when he wasn't expecting it and he looked annoyed. He always gets testy when we are at the mall and he is in a hurry to finish things while I'd like to enjoy my time there since we hardly ever go and I see no reason for being so crabby. Its the weekend and we rarely go out, I was trying to have fun!





I got this coffee cup at starbuck's because it was not that expensive and I had admired it the previous time we were there and really wanted it since it was so pretty. I rarely drink coffee but drink green tea, chai tea, or cocoa on occasion during the colder months so I thought it would be perfect.

Plus Ive never had my own personal coffee cup so I thought it would be nice for those rare occasions. I really loved the floral print and colors especially paired with the lovely pale aqua blue inside the inner rim of cup and mixed in with red floral print- that is what I was drawn to. I am a very visually stimulated person.

Btw I had my usual at starbuck's - a grande iced caramel macchiato [spelling?] with extra caramel. they put a little too much caramel and i couldn't get the drink to come out of the straw. of course because i am a klutz, i accidentally spilled coffee on my jeans and the rest of shopping trip, all I could smell was coffee lingering from my body. That annoyed me, I don't like that smell of coffee if you spill it all over something on you.

Luckily i was able to wipe it up good and we did all of our laundry last nite [we did it in the middle of the nite so we ended up being up pretty late, watched SNL in between loads and waiting for everything to be done. by the time we went to bed we were exhausted. i fell asleep right away]

Tux Fitting at Men's Wearhouse for Jimmy

I was sitting in the back of the dressing room while the young alteration girl had my Jimmy try on his tux for our wedding. I'd have taken a picture of them but then that would have embarrassed him, so instead while he was busy in the fitting room and the salesgirl went in the back, I took a quickie picture of myself sitting there in front of the 3-way mirror to capture the moment and memory plus I was mesmerized by the way the mirror reflected so many angles .

Not to sound vain or anything, but I admired my own outfit, while passing time. This mirror made me look better than the one at home and it looked like I definitely lost weight so that made me feel happy as the past year or two Ive felt pretty down about my heaviness. I was wearing some black skinny jeans which I got last year and couldn't even wear because a few months ago, they wouldn't have even fit.

If I sound obsessed over my weight, its because I've felt stuck in a rut for 2 yrs now and it makes me happy to be able to wear clothes that were too small not long ago. It also motivates me to keep myself in check so that I don't gain that weight back. I haven't felt very positive about myself in a long time and it feels good that I can feel this way now but I'm still hesitant, because I'm afraid that if I feel truly happy, I will end up back in that rut again, heavy.

It's blurry but somehow I still like it. I think I might actually look thin and if it seems like I am stuck on that. If I seem fixated on this and surprised, it is because I never thought I'd feel good about myself again and it just seems like some kind of miracle. I did still weigh 101 pounds when I last checked. I was around 107 over a month ago.

I still would like to lose some more weight but I am satisfied with the weight I am right now, if that isn't possible. I feel much better with myself at 101 than 107. Before I actually would have times where I'd get very sad over it and feel so awful inside over it. Depressed.and Hopeless.

These pix serve as a reminder to myself to keep striving to eat healthier and take better care of myself. I am going to try my best.

After alterations, we stopped at michael's arts and crafts for some wedding favors geared towards candy, the tins to hold them and then had dinner at Chili's before heading home. He watched his game he was anxious over missing of course and I spent some time organizing, cleaning and writing.

I took this picture on our way home while in the car. This is where we live near. We live in a college town. It was very overcast much of the day although both yesterday and today felt like fall was in the air and looked brighter than this at different parts of the day and felt quite breezy with right amount of sun/warmth.

That made me pretty happy, the feeling of fall, although you cannot tell by the looks of it.

Florida doesn't really show 'seasonal change' like other states do, it is tropical after all. :)

Saturday evening we spent doing laundry and watching the latest Saturday Night Live episode which had the most hilarious rap by Amy Poehler with other members of cast.

I loved the eskimos rapping alongside Amy and the cheesy portrayal of todd palin in snowsuit with that funny looking shaped goatee. fucking hilarious. LOL

We loved it so much we rewinded and watched it a second time and are keeping it to record to a vhs tape hehe

Here's the clip that appeared on a fox show. they tend to be slanted in their beliefs there and are known to be very conservative right wing but it was the only clip I could find of the actual rap skit. I didn't really listen to what the hosts of that show said on this video as i just fast forwarded to make sure the SNL rap skit was covered in it! For those interested and who love a good laugh, take a peek :D

they no longer allow embedding so here is the link which allows u to play the SNL snippet:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6ya39slPgs

PS sarah palin is annoying. they rave about how great palin was and how she knows how to have fun. i still think palin is tacky and do not agree with their thoughts at all. i think she looked like she was 'pretending' to be hip but she is so far from that, its not even funny.

mapping out things + making the most of friday.

Friday night instead of going out, or doing anything of leisure, we stayed in and got to work on several things that needed to be tackled in regard to our wedding which is now just right around the corner and we are both feeling the pressure of running out of time to conquer everything in time without forgetting something or screwing up due to so much on our plates.


So, Jimmy spent much of our friday nite doing spreadsheets of guests [since he has the program on his laptop and i am not familiar with how to do a spreadsheet or work that program- excel and he does it for a living at work..]

Anyway, I put together a list of those we had sent invites to for the wedding, compiling his and mine together and then gave him the envelope that we had been carefully placing all our replies from as of late. Btw so far most of the people seem to be opting out of coming which we expected since most of our invites are out of state to IL and most people would not go out of their way to travel here for us, especially on a thanksgiving wkend- in fact several people on both sides of our families have complained about the timing of the wedding being on a busy and expensive holiday.

In all honesty, I didn't want my wedding around a holiday much less thanksgiving [being around so many FOOTBALL games + such since i abhor that sport and do not want it interfering with my wedding/honeymoon or yearly anniversary with him] It was Jimmy that was insistent on choosing this date however as he just had to have it his way. and he claimed he needed to structure the date around his work and when he would have time off. This never made sense to me since he works a 9-5 job monday thru friday and always has weekends off. He was just being well - Jimmy- rigid and it was his way or no way. He suggested two other dates in december, but both of them were on my mother and brother's bdays and I felt that really tacky and inappropriate. Plus I did not want a DEC wedding, I wanted a wedding in the month I was born which is November. That is my favorite month- but he would only agree to thanksgiving weekend so I was stuck with doing what he wanted in the end.

I believe he could have been more flexible but Jimmy is stubborn at times and he kind of made it like either we had it when he wanted to or it might not happen. In fact, it was me who kind of put an ultimatum last fall, either he was going to make a serious commitment and show me that the relationship was headiing in a forward direction [engagement and marriage] or I didn't know if I could continue this way or stay in the relationship.

I was on the verge of turning 36 last year when I said this and I told him, Look, I am not young [neither is he, he is almost a year older than me actually] and we don't have time- or rather I do not have time to play around or play games and I wouldn't have it.

There is a certain point where you decide to settle down and if you don't intend to do so, then you do not get into a serious relationship with someone, live with them or do things that suggest a future commitment of permanence. I didn't plan on waiting forever as I refused to marry after I was forty. Not just that but what if I actually want a child [which I do, one], I knew he would not even consider having a baby with me IF we were still unmarried and I know I do not want to get pregnant after 40, because I refuse to put my life in danger, risk chance of child being retarded, and EVEN MORE, refuse to raise a child and then never get to see the child grow up because I had my baby at such a late stage in my life.

Anyway life is way different since I gave that ultimatum and we had some serious relationship talks and intense fighting, mostly me screaming, demanding, and crying-- its been over a year since all that occurred and so its all blown over and seems like a distant memory now- an unpleasant one.

He has changed a lot in the way that he views me and this relationship. He has embraced the role of making this commitment and in small steps all along the past year has gradually shown this by growing thru many tough times with me and by learning how to integrate a life with another, realizing what is important in life and that he is willing to sacrifice some things in order to join our lives together.

I feel he was very resistant in the beginning due to fear and truthfully I believe it was largely over the fact that he didn't want to truly grow up or have the responsiblity of a wife and marriage. I think he has gotten past this and realized there is a time to grow up and there is a time to settle down and that you can't spend your entire life partying and running away from anything that could be permanent. otherwise you grow old and alone.

There is still a lot he has to learn about partnership, compromise, sharing and priorities when you marry someone and make them your wife but I guess it's a work in progress and he never really had a serious relationship or one that was compromised of living together or being engaged prior to me and because he is a late bloomer, it just seems he is slow at things that concern relationships and he doesn't always understand or see things my way. We've gone thru some major ups and downs since living together and I'm happy to say that currently everything is going well.

So back to what we did on Friday..Jimmy also made a sort of graph spreadsheet of all the people potentially invited to the wedding, colored in the ones who have sent their response saying they will be there, and then made a sort of circle graph of how the tables for the guests, food table, cake table, guestbk table, dj table and the like will be layed out in the room. He then started compiling a roughdraft of how people will be seated and who will be at which table, together etc. He did that for hrs upon hrs. It is still in the roughdraft stage, though.

This week we will have to work on filling out and sending thank you cards to everyone for bridal shower gifts but just never found time to do it during this past wkend. We found some really cute ones at Target, last week. I took pix of it for my memories and cause I am documenting everything connected to this wedding!

Thank You Cards we bought at Target for bridal shower guests- we thought the illustration and color was pretty and I am obsessed with butterflies in art illustration or anything associated with them so I was very happy to choose these :)

More about the rest of weekend tomorrow as Ive run out of time and must sleep for now- our entire weekend was filled from start to finish and i haven't caught up with all the latest or been able to finish catching up on notes yet. will work on this more tomorrow when i am more alert and full of energy. :)