staring at the sun [a sunny sunday + pix]

Sunday:

Started the day by waking up around noon. Jimmy was still asleep hilariously as this is ABnormal for someone like him who rises early everyday even on his day off. He is typically up at 9am and I am generally lucky if I can wake up by 12 noon Haha. Not a morning person at all which grates on his / and his parents nerves when we visit them. I have always been a night person so sorry if they don't get it but that is my nature. I think he finally accepts me as I am and his parents have given up, but every now and then they take a jab at me, inserting that I have a problem with being up all nite and showing clear displeasure and disregard to how their insults make me feel. I usually change the subject or just say YEP with a little sarcastic laugh. I refuse to react to them OR explain myself- I don't need to define my reasons for anything. They already know why I am the way I am but fail to understand. That is not my problem. It is theirs and I don't have time to be bothered by their judgements. Could really care less if they love me or not - anyway- but of course it would be nice if they liked me just a little bit and said something that made me feel like I was good enough for their son and that centered on praise rather than criticism.

Anyway, I digress...

So we got the sunday paper which I recently got him into the routine of getting in order to get the Michael's sunday paper coupons to use towards our wedding and to cut out grocery coupons so we could save money. It amazes me that he never did this prior to me ever or used coupons. I grew up with parents or rather a mother who did this all the time and raised me to do the same as a grown up.

In my first marriage all we did was live for saving money and using coupons as much as possible where as Jimmy kind of didn't want to be bothered by the hassle because he has always made enough money to live comfortably and personally I just don't feel he has any idea what its like to struggle financially or to even be so poor you don't have enough food or are starving. Anyway, after gathering coupons and deciding which ones we wanted to use that day, we made a rough list of what we needed to buy at the store.

This was a day of chores- spent it vaccuming the whole living room and main area of apartment which was a job in itself since things are tight and it's become cluttered and disorganized as of late due to being so busy and mentally overwhelmed with so much wedding planning And other ongoing things.

I then took a shower, put some minimal makeup on and got dressed as we had to take a much needed trip to the grocery store to stock up on food and such for the week.

I have decided that on weekends even if its just chores or errands running around, i will from now on make the exerted effort to try to dress nicely, wear makeup and look nice because I want to try to break out of the rut Ive been in for the last few yrs and the last few times I attempted to do this - inc. past weekend- I have found that it greatly improves my self confidence and makes me feel a lot happier within myself.

I gather he thinks its silly...to dress up, put makeup or look nice just to go grocery shopping because he kind of made a remark like - why was i wearing makeup and taking pix just to shop at publix? he doesn't entirely get my line of thinking.

I feel like if you allow yourself to stop trying and you accept that you are in a rut but do not do anything to change it, that you make the choice to remain miserable and stagnant. I am not doing it as much for him as I am for myself.

Someone has to uplift me and I realize it isn't dependent entirely on him although it would be nice if he would make more of an effort. I take responsibility for making myself feel better about me, by changing the way Ive let myself go and swapping my old attitude out for a new one. Its odd how fall this year is feeling a lot like spring - in that I feel more positive, like I am shedding some of negative and becoming renewed by starting over again, feeling reborn.

I think its partially the impending marriage and the symbolic meaning underneath it all for me, but something in this makes me feel like the way spring feels. when the old dies and begins to grow anew after a cycle of cold mourning and death. renewal and rebirth.

I feel I am going thru something very transformational and significant.


Sunday shopping at Publix

We did our usual weekly shopping at our local grocery store which we've been going to for about two yrs now. This is a place we often go to and the main grocery store we choose to shop at. everything else is far or in unfavorable areas. I know its a sort of unexciting photo, but it was such a lovely day and felt like autumn in the air, that i couldn't resist getting a few pictures.

I know I may be strange, but I like having pix of the area I lived in so that in the future I can look back and remember what I was doing, where I was at and what period of my life I was in.

I realize in the two yrs Ive lived in this city, I have very little of pix of "my area" whereas when I lived in my parents city and in chicago, I had numerous pix in the areas I frequented and I find that now when I see that I have these, and look back on it, I am so grateful for those memories. recorded forever.

No matter how trivial or cliche, boring, plain it may seem to others, it isn't to me. I have a mind that easily flashes back to memories and it is triggered by a number of ways related to senses. It is most triggered aurally and visually for me.

My memories are heavily marked and preserved by way of visuals, sounds, smells, things connected to the senses. This is probably why I am so sentimental and nostalgic in personality. It's just the way I have always been and the way my mind and heart works and it is one of my favorite things about myself. I cherish this.

[I have often been told that I have a photographic memory. Over the years due to trauma/abuse/emotional distress, I believe that my perfect memory has suffered some and I find sometimes grasping for things I used to know or remember so well, but for the most part, I have the most vivid precise detailed memory of anyone I know or anyone I have encountered and I am often complimented for this by others because they notice it also.]

The sun was too bright, it was really glaring in my eyes which is why in most pix I either was turned away or squinting to see like crazy.

(end)

from start to finish, the day had its moments.

[from past weekend: our saturday with current pix of us included in entry]


Sandals Voucher for Jamaica + upcoming Honeymoon

Jimmy got the voucher in the mail saturday as he finished paying the final balance for the trip, I think, a few pix to document this :D







Saturday before leaving apt and at University Mall:





University Mall Courtyard- This is us sitting at a table, after a visit to candy shop to check out Davant Sweets-










Starbuck's Break







Jimmy hated this picture as I took it when he wasn't expecting it and he looked annoyed. He always gets testy when we are at the mall and he is in a hurry to finish things while I'd like to enjoy my time there since we hardly ever go and I see no reason for being so crabby. Its the weekend and we rarely go out, I was trying to have fun!





I got this coffee cup at starbuck's because it was not that expensive and I had admired it the previous time we were there and really wanted it since it was so pretty. I rarely drink coffee but drink green tea, chai tea, or cocoa on occasion during the colder months so I thought it would be perfect.

Plus Ive never had my own personal coffee cup so I thought it would be nice for those rare occasions. I really loved the floral print and colors especially paired with the lovely pale aqua blue inside the inner rim of cup and mixed in with red floral print- that is what I was drawn to. I am a very visually stimulated person.

Btw I had my usual at starbuck's - a grande iced caramel macchiato [spelling?] with extra caramel. they put a little too much caramel and i couldn't get the drink to come out of the straw. of course because i am a klutz, i accidentally spilled coffee on my jeans and the rest of shopping trip, all I could smell was coffee lingering from my body. That annoyed me, I don't like that smell of coffee if you spill it all over something on you.

Luckily i was able to wipe it up good and we did all of our laundry last nite [we did it in the middle of the nite so we ended up being up pretty late, watched SNL in between loads and waiting for everything to be done. by the time we went to bed we were exhausted. i fell asleep right away]

Tux Fitting at Men's Wearhouse for Jimmy

I was sitting in the back of the dressing room while the young alteration girl had my Jimmy try on his tux for our wedding. I'd have taken a picture of them but then that would have embarrassed him, so instead while he was busy in the fitting room and the salesgirl went in the back, I took a quickie picture of myself sitting there in front of the 3-way mirror to capture the moment and memory plus I was mesmerized by the way the mirror reflected so many angles .

Not to sound vain or anything, but I admired my own outfit, while passing time. This mirror made me look better than the one at home and it looked like I definitely lost weight so that made me feel happy as the past year or two Ive felt pretty down about my heaviness. I was wearing some black skinny jeans which I got last year and couldn't even wear because a few months ago, they wouldn't have even fit.

If I sound obsessed over my weight, its because I've felt stuck in a rut for 2 yrs now and it makes me happy to be able to wear clothes that were too small not long ago. It also motivates me to keep myself in check so that I don't gain that weight back. I haven't felt very positive about myself in a long time and it feels good that I can feel this way now but I'm still hesitant, because I'm afraid that if I feel truly happy, I will end up back in that rut again, heavy.

It's blurry but somehow I still like it. I think I might actually look thin and if it seems like I am stuck on that. If I seem fixated on this and surprised, it is because I never thought I'd feel good about myself again and it just seems like some kind of miracle. I did still weigh 101 pounds when I last checked. I was around 107 over a month ago.

I still would like to lose some more weight but I am satisfied with the weight I am right now, if that isn't possible. I feel much better with myself at 101 than 107. Before I actually would have times where I'd get very sad over it and feel so awful inside over it. Depressed.and Hopeless.

These pix serve as a reminder to myself to keep striving to eat healthier and take better care of myself. I am going to try my best.

After alterations, we stopped at michael's arts and crafts for some wedding favors geared towards candy, the tins to hold them and then had dinner at Chili's before heading home. He watched his game he was anxious over missing of course and I spent some time organizing, cleaning and writing.

I took this picture on our way home while in the car. This is where we live near. We live in a college town. It was very overcast much of the day although both yesterday and today felt like fall was in the air and looked brighter than this at different parts of the day and felt quite breezy with right amount of sun/warmth.

That made me pretty happy, the feeling of fall, although you cannot tell by the looks of it.

Florida doesn't really show 'seasonal change' like other states do, it is tropical after all. :)

Saturday evening we spent doing laundry and watching the latest Saturday Night Live episode which had the most hilarious rap by Amy Poehler with other members of cast.

I loved the eskimos rapping alongside Amy and the cheesy portrayal of todd palin in snowsuit with that funny looking shaped goatee. fucking hilarious. LOL

We loved it so much we rewinded and watched it a second time and are keeping it to record to a vhs tape hehe

Here's the clip that appeared on a fox show. they tend to be slanted in their beliefs there and are known to be very conservative right wing but it was the only clip I could find of the actual rap skit. I didn't really listen to what the hosts of that show said on this video as i just fast forwarded to make sure the SNL rap skit was covered in it! For those interested and who love a good laugh, take a peek :D

they no longer allow embedding so here is the link which allows u to play the SNL snippet:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6ya39slPgs

PS sarah palin is annoying. they rave about how great palin was and how she knows how to have fun. i still think palin is tacky and do not agree with their thoughts at all. i think she looked like she was 'pretending' to be hip but she is so far from that, its not even funny.

it's beginning to feel a lot like fall here.

(Jimmy + I)

(Me + My Mom)

(Jimmy + My Mom)

After my alteration appt with david's bridal - I wanted to take some pictures so I got a few of my fiance with my mom, then had Jimmy take some of my mom and I, and my mom take some of Jimmy and I.

Yes, it was a family affair LOL

Truthfully, my mother loves Jimmy and they get along well and they actually have a lot in common, such as the things that i hate which Jimmy absolutely LOVES- my mom seems to love just as much!! Mostly this applies to food, socialization adventure/liking to try "new" things + and fun!!! Hahahha.

After the assorted picture taking, we then all three headed over to Michael's arts and crafts which was next door.

+++

Michael's Arts & Crafts store after Alteration Appt:

Below are a few things we got at michael's. Jimmy actually saw some canvas on sale, so he got two one for me and one for him. I guess he was thinking in the future maybe we might want to try our hand at painting. Neither of us are really artistic in that sense or way altho I think both of us liked to draw/doodle growing up and weren't bad at sketching, but also not artistic like good enough to be an artist or creative inspiration or anything LOL

I found it interesting that he all of a sudden saw something he wanted to pursue as a hobby via Michael's in arts and crafts. especially after the last few trips there he'd rolled his eyes or sounded irritated when I was excited over all the art stuff wanting to buy it!! I wonder what came over him.

Jimmy wasn't feeling very well today and was sick earlier this week with a cold with muscle ache/fever for several days enough to even take off work midweek. I think he is run down just like I have been. It is probably from planning a wedding which has been highly stressful and since it's getting closer and closer to the date- there is more and more to do, stress is heightened and at times it is just tiresome for both of us!

So anyway, here's a few things I got that made me happy:

This pretty fall butterfly clip on decoration. I don't know where I'd put this or if I could use it in my reception hall but just thought it was so pretty and it was cheap so I wanted it for Fall.

....And, here is a "Far East" rubber stamp set I got. It includes pieces that stamp below designs and it includes the black ink. I just thought it would be cool to have and try. It is my first real rubber stamp set and they have so many amazing ones that I was overwhelmed with which one to pick! My next picks would have been the celtic cross styles and the retro looking fashion/european women ones- kind of vargas/nouveau art like style.

After Michael's- Jimmy and I decided to go with my parents where they go to dinner every Saturday. We were all hungry and had a long drive back so felt we might as well!

Below picture of us was taken at Longhorn Steakhouse :)

(Me + My Fiance at Longhorn)

During dinner, my mom told us the cutest story regarding my niece Alexcia. She told us that last week my niece came home from school sick from something she ate at school [apparently it was food poisoning as a few other kids at school contracted the same illness]...anyway while my mom was taking care of her-- she asked for the nemo cold compress I'd gotten for her birthday recently to put on her tummy to make her feel better, but when my mom got it and put it on her tummy, alexcia moaned that nemo wasn't big enough to help her tummy ache...Awww!!!! It just made me envision the tiny nemo on Alexcia's tummy and her saying that with her big saucer like eyes...poor baby!!!!

Luckily, she is better now, but I didn't get the chance to see her this past weekend but since the Tampa team of baseball won this division thingie [don't know anything about sports or care], my fiance will be going to the big game this coming saturday and I will probably just be dropped off to visit my family and niece while he does this, so I suppose I will get to visit her then.

Unless I get sick again. If I do, I will just stay home. I am still worn out from being sick in the past two days and I think I am runned down from all of this. I hope to catch up sometime tomorrow but for now must say goodnite. I spent much of tonite trying to recuperate and regain energy from last nite's illness :/

It's really beginning to feel like Fall here and that seems strange to say when it comes to FL, since it's not known to cool off til late October or early November. I like the feel of Fall though and the crisp air, the breeze. I know it's nothing like the places where snow falls as I've lived in those climates before and I don't soon forget. But I revel in that 'feeling' and find that I always become so nostalgic during the last few months before the year comes to a close. Perhaps it is because I am deep. Or maybe it is because I was born in November and so it just feels like home to me - natural.

I always travel towards darkness even when seeking light. It seems so much a part of me (like nature) that I gravitate toward darkness yet long for light - in so many aspects of my life. Sometimes, I am a total walking contradiction, even to myself!

Bridal Gown Alterations [with pictures]

pix before and during alterations at david's bridal, first fitting.

My measurements were- 31-26-37 I don't know what it all means other than that I have a petite chest and big hips apparently according to these numbers. I'm not sure what the numbers mean but I wish I did and I think I'm going to research that so I can find out.

Alterations were a bit tiring seeing that within minutes my feet were killing me and the lady kept reprimanding me for not holding my head high enough and standing straight. It was not that relaxing + a bit stressful. I couldn't wait til it was done and was relieved when about 40 mins later the hems being pinned, bust and waist pinned were finally finished where I could take the dress off and leave.

Unforunately I accidentally moved my arm too fast and one of the HUGE straight pins brushed against my skin causing a deep cut against my inner arm near my wrist. I had no idea it bled or that I'd been cut. I thought I just poked myself with the pin, not cut myself. Hours later, before bed is when I discovered the nasty dark red cut that looked like a smudge of sharpie red marker. It scared me. I put peroxide and neosporin, then put a bandaid on it immediately.

Here were some pix my mom and the alteration lady took for me. A few of these are prior to alterations so it looks a bit big because it wasn't taken in yet and a then a few were taken after I was all pinned up:

These were before the alterations began so nothing was pinned up yet. Also, the corset wasn't tied up yet so it looks a bit big without it being fully tied up.

I had my mom take a few snapshots before everything got pinned and taken in and in case I wasn't able to get any pix before turning the dress into alterations so I could see how the dress fit now and share with those I wanted to with.

I felt my arms and shoulders looked noticeably thinner than when I first tried on, bought the dress which I photographed the day of purchase back in May. I have lost some weight in the past month and it may be tied to that. I think it was more obvious in person though than in the actual photographs here. I don't know.

Closeup picture of top half, sideways:

Full length front shot.



My face sure does look red. I can't determine whether it is the lighting or if it is because I was feeling hot and nervous while standing there waiting to be altered OR if my skin really looks like that. Whatever the case it worries me because when I looked in the mirror during this time, I felt my complexion and color were noticeable as I got sort of a farmer's tan when I went to the beach back in July due to wearing a surfer style sleeveless top rather than bikini and was hoping it would fade before my wedding as I refuse to wear tanning spray or go to any tanning salon. I HATE being tan and the look of fake tans on people in general. I think it's ugly and will not do it, so I just have to cross my fingers that by the end of Nov., in person and in photo, that my skin is going to look even in tone and color otherwise I am in big trouble. I definitely don't want to look like I have splotchy skin color or orange-reddish tones on my wedding day. I really don't know what can be done to make sure this doesn't happen. So all I can do is HOPE and pray!

Frontal view



Below, picture is a crop from above picture-

There were mirrors all around so in the original picture it captured another angle and view by way of capturing the reflection in the mirror in the photo which I thought was really cool. I like seeing other perspectives.

Then, I had the lady doing the alterations take a few pix which appear below. She seemed reluctant about it and almost seemed like I wouldn't get any pix from her but I assertively asked and so I got my pix. I felt like she may've been annoyed at doing it so she didnt make the best effort but oh well, better than nothing. And it's irritating that the girl behind me appears in the picture. She didnt have any appt for david's bridal or even for alterations. Another saleslady dumped her onto the alteration lady wanting her opinion as the girl couldn't decide between two bridal gowns and it sounded like to me, the saleslady felt that the alterations lady's opinion would result in her getting a big sale from this woman. I think it worked but felt it should have been done AFTER my appt afterall Id made my appt weeks ago and had it reserved. Annoying!

The below picture shows how the dress looks after she hemmed up the front [which looked really nice and changes the whole look of the dress since it was way too long and I am so petite] You may notice that on each side of my bust. She had pulled in the sides somewhat with pins. This is when i ended up cutting my arm during the appt as I accidentally moved my arm and it got caught on a large pin. I didn't know I cut myself til hrs later.]

I had to have the side of my bust pulled in for a more flattering figure fitting top otherwise it looked like I had a sloppy figure with no breasts. I was wearing a strapless push up padded body slip along with silicone adhesive bra underneath to push up and enhance breasts. I hardly notice a difference and now think maybe I should have bought a size bigger, a B cup instead and I am seriously thinking I will either take a trip to Macy's or Victoria's Secret to buy a B cup silicone adhesive bra as I am now anxious my breasts are going to look funny since I'm not very full chested or curvy with this strapless dress. I never wear strapless anything cos obviously I don't have the breasts or the body for it.

I want to look perfect on my wedding day so I guess I have to spend an extra thirty bucks buying another silicone adhesive bra set since I am unable to return the one I just bought from David's Bridal which is an A cup. They have a strict policy where you cannot return or exchange anything once you purchase from them. It's one thing I really hate about them among several other things and think if I ever had to shop for wedding stuff again that I may not ever want to work with them again. I noticed that after you buy your dress, people are less friendly to help or give you great customer service and even when trying my dress for alterations, no one raved about how beautiful my dress looked on me yet that is all they did the day I was trying it on and thinking of buying it. Instead the alteration lady raved about the other girl's dress who had not yet bought a wedding dress and was considering buying that day. I found that curious and funny. It shows me that you only get compliments and flattery when you are considering buying from them, but once you buy, all that goes out the window. I don't think its coincidence and I think that is very bad customer service. It turns me off to ever want to shop with them again!

Anyway here I am below, with the bust pulled in with pins-




This will have to be sewn and taken in. Again my face and arms look red and I worry that it is from a past summer tan and won't fade in time for my wedding :/


View of back of gown:



I wanted to get a full view of the back, so here it is :) I really love the look of the corset tied up and the way the rest of the shape of the gown shows off my figure and curve :)



After Note:

I have a second appt, on November 5th at 7.30pm to be re-fit into gown, to make sure the new alterations fit my body well and to also have my bustle for my train built into my wedding dress. This is done so that when you go to the reception you can walk, move and dance without tripping on the train. This cost 225 dollars and I'm not sure if that included the train or not- that may have just been taking the bust, and waist in as well as having to hem the dress because I'm too short and petite. I felt like my body looked a little thinner, less fatty, bloated since the day I bought the dress in May and felt it was slightly noticeable but maybe im imagining that. It isn't drastic so I guess you might not really notice.
PS
To show you the difference between when I first tried on the dress back in May of this year and photographed it AND pix from this past wkend in October--I will share the pix from back in May. I feel I look way heavier in these pix and there is a noticeable weight loss although it may be harder to tell because in this set of pix I was wearing the veil with tiara over the dress and in the pix from alteration I am not wearing either of of those.











++++++++

Below are some of the things we ordered last month as party favors for our November Wedding, it arrived at my parents house this past weekend!

[we also finished addressing all our invitations earlier in the week and mailed them out on this past wednesday, by the way. we have had four replies since last week already from close family/friends who have already sent their reply saying they will be there!]

Party Favors we got:




#1 wedding beverage/ bar napkins in the color of lilac with silver writing, personalized with our names and wedding date along with symbol we both chose- the butterfly. since its my favorite and is already a semi-theme in the wedding and ties very well to orchids and a number of other styles ive chosen for my wedding thus far.






#2 disposable butterfly cameras for each main guest table.









#3 matches with symbol [chinese for love] and our names, wedding date on item [blk/silver]

ps We think we are going to order this pretty, unique and cool party favor as the wow factor for our wedding reception as a gift to our guest attending :)

It is a silver or pewter butterfly bookmark [i love it and ties in with our wedding theme]

Fund it on a website called http://www.favorsbyserendipity.com/

Here is the link to what we plan to get!

http://www.favorsbyserendipity.com/themed_product_pages/p-slg-6401-fc.html

for once, postal service was quite good.

passport arrived in my mail box this weekend!

three things-

1. that was fast and it looks really cool, they've changed it to a really nice design,updated, accdg to Jimmy. His is not like mine.

2. I did not get my original passport returned to me from when I took a trip to philippines as a teenager which was very sentimental to me and upsets me that I lost it. I didnt even scan or take a pic of it for memories sake. I am a little upset about it. I think maybe it might be because my original passport had my maiden name, this one has my married name as i never changed my last name after divorcing. [i've been divorced for approx 5 yrs now]

3. it was the best piece of mail i got this weekend and quite a surprise!

have a looksie :)

AFTERNOTE: Turns out, I did get my OLD passport returned to me yesterday in the mail, days after I got the new one. HUGE sigh of relief!!!! :D

p.s. been waiting for this since last season ended.

looking forward to sunday fall season premiere of this, see below!!!

'Desperate Housewives' recap: Fast forward We find out what the ladies of Wisteria Lane have been up to for the last five years in the season opener

alexcia sweet alexcia, you remind me of me.

below back in july, a few pix of alexcia my niece and grammie [my mother] when we paid them a visit at my brother corky's in clearwater. he is not featured in the pix, my bro as he hates being in any! the last few are jimmy with alexcia that are quite adorable.

little alexcia has decided to give him and everyone massages whenever we come over now. she started doing this two visits ago and her new thing is to do give us foot massage and then back massage. she is so gentle, loving, cute, innocent and nurturing- warm.

of course my bro was getting mad at her for being so loving to jimmy as she is always kissing him and touching him. my bro kept repeating that she didn't belong touching anyone and that people would take advantage of her or hurt her down the road.

i understand his alarm and fears however he is the one who puts on inappropriate films and licks his lips and wags his tongue asking alexcia if he can have that girl wearing the thong or next to nothing clothing!! his taste in women are stripper, cheap porn looking hoochie type women. it makes me disgusted, to be quite honest and hate to have alexcia subjected to that at six yrs old but there's nothing u can do.

i am sure in america this is the norm of people -both men and women - in our current generation. all you have to do is take a look at whats out there in the latest reality tv shows and then you can see why people are how they are and why they glorify, put so much worth into women who are slutty, strippers, porn types. the simple truth is sex sells and sex is money.

i just think kids are overexposed to too much today and it really does unsettle and disturb me. and i'm not a prude really - i just have values and want to protect my own self worth.


in any case, i think alexcia gets a lot of mixed messages and hypocritical lessons from my brother her father. hopefully it doesnt warp her too much. i worry about when she starts dating and becomes interested in boys. i fear she will pick someone who will abuse her or control her or harm her, violate. i am hyperaware and hypersensitive because of my past history w/ sexual abuse and domestic violence and because i see clearly that my niece isn't being raised with very strong or protective foundations / nurturance and guidance from a positive male role model and i worry. if i were closer, to her, i'd feel a little less fearful but i am too far away to make much of an impact.



this is something i worry over constantly and every day.

anyway alexcia currently in pix below! she is 6 and turns 7 at the end of september 2008! I love the way her little tiny feet are crossed under her seat and those adorable little whtie sandals she is wearing- they are so so cute and she is growing up so fast!!! sometimes i see her, i mean often i see her, and she reminds me so much of myself as a child- we look a lot alike in my opinon-