foundations + revelations- [nostalgic moment]

i was feeling rather nostalgic, last nite and so i started tripping back down thru memory lane. i always go back to the beginning of the foundation of things. my origins. this time i found myself tripping back to the start of my relationship with jimmy which formed back in 2006. he is now the man i will marry in the next month.

once i started reading, i couldn't stop. pretty soon i was hit full-on with the emotions, like i was back in that place and it was 2006 again. a barrage of feeling- giddy-ness, happy and excited, full of desire, want and need, yet always analytical, insecure, anxious. i tried to remain hopeful whenever i wrote about him and the possibility of love and a future because i felt it was the only way to go.

these two entries i will repost and share here really do preserve a moment in time that covers everything from what was happening in both of our lives to music and film, and significant markers of that time period and when we first found each other and love was an adventure, very terrifying because i could really lose and i had been emotionally 'totalled' and shattered with the last hand ful of men i had been with. wasn't sure this falling thru would not be the final end of me. meaning - i'd been broken into pieces so many times by men, i feared that this failing would break me forever and would kill me. if it ended badly. i think he was always aware of this aspect of my fragile personality- its evident by the way he took care of me and by the words i spoke of him.

i shared this with him today. and he just called me on the phone to tell me, thank you, and that he had read it, and it was really nice. he told me he was almost unable to get thru the entire thing without breaking into tears. he was not able to go into great detail but i felt from his few words he was moved. he told me it was emotional and he felt it, and remembered all of it too. he didn't give much insight into his thoughts but he did emphasize several times, it made me, you made me feel really good - really good about myself. so i know that it moved the way i wanted it to move within him.

reading and remembering, feeling it all, well that was a precious gift and i felt an abundance of feeling when reading my own words, it was so touching and sweet. i felt the best gift would be to give him my words and my heart. in essence it was all there. if love wasn't evident back then, i don't know what was.

after reading the initial first thoughts uncensored from my own diary, i am sure he realizes now the importance of words and the memories that they form and what it really means to me, to write, record, and immortalize those feelings, memories, experiences - forever.

i am sure after i shared my heart with jimmy, there is absolutely no doubt in him that i've always seen the good in him and that all the key things i wrote about back then were the things that built the love i feel for him now.

foundations are important. we must not ever forget.

my email to him below:

Hi sweetie-

[prelude to what I am sharing with you and what it entails is below - please read on, thanks!]

In retrospect, I was looking back at things I wrote when we first began dating. I came across my first two entries about you when we began seeing each other. They are very telling about the way I felt and thought back then, my fears, worries, insecurities are also very clear, things I didn't openly admit to you.

The way I write is the way I think/feel in a relationship. I am much more open about my emotions and feelings with you NOW but that is because I feel there is security in the relationship now, but back then and for a long time [prior to living together], I didn't because I didn't really know where I really stood with you therefore my security in the relat. was not very solid and I was scared/anxious most of the time esp. previous to asking you if you loved me and to tell me if you did or not etc. [approx over 9 mos into relationship]

These two entries [medium length, not in depth or long] should not make you uncomfortable. I think it shows my heart, that it shows the way I am deeply nostalgic, the way I care, and also I feel it is sweet, it reveals thoughts of you and hopes towards you and a future...

It is a reflection of things happening and forming between us that really do lock a memory forever in time. I am grateful, so grateful that I am a writer and that I did take time to record what I did here. Reading this took me back and made me remember and feel everything all over again. I revel in remembering and feeling. That's why this is so important to me, even now.

This was in jumbled rambling without paragraph break sentences because back then I didn't write as much and felt so overwhelmed emotionally, I often had no energy to write about life or my relationship. I can still be this way but not to this extent. This isn't a good example of my typical writing but these were written right after you dropped me off on these weekends, before bed when I was often exhausted but pushed myself to write, not wanting to forget anything.

I just wanted to capture my memories with you before they faded. I was on a lot of meds then and drinking quite a bit, and I sometimes could feel my mind slipping. I know NOW that a lot of my memories from that time are erased due to excessive use of tranquilizers etc.

If not for this preservation of memory in diary form, I might not remember all the details although the majority of this I remember like the back of my hand. I think its touching / moving/ insightful/ strange/amusing and makes me blush to re-read this. because all my insecurities are so open and my true feelings are revealed in here without reservation.

Also NOTICE the amount of times i mention SEX and LOVE. both were most on my mind and things i love most. i think what you see here and what you know of me now is pretty consistent to a lot of the detail shared in these writings, altho i recognize ways in which i have changed and grown.

I hope sharing this with you means something to you and it touches your heart in some way, maybe provides insight into a part of me you have never seen or known yet. I am one of those people who enjoys knowing what someone thought of me in the beginning but didn't say and I find it fascinating.

I feel like most people enjoy this kind of thing and I also feel it brings two people closer to share this sort of stuff. It is about a memory and the start of our relationship together, that alone holds great significance because its solely about my heart in all of its fragility and vulnerability and how much i thought about you as well as my depth of feeling for you.

I admit that for a very long time, it was hard that i was unable to share how i truly felt about you- with you- it was excruciating and painful [not to make you feel guilty, but it just was what it was- painful not to express emotion towards you and to not know you felt anything for me].

I'm glad that is no longer something i have to wonder over. the feelings in here are pure and i think you can really tell how delicate i am inside. and scared.

When you read this, you may also notice and remember how nurturing you were with me based on the things I share in these posts, and also how emotionally nurturing you were towards me in the beginning even if you didn't necessarily express direct feelings or emotions even.

It seemed based on these writings I wrote, you were very reassuring - coaxed me knowing my insecurity, fear and hurt inside, and protected, took care of me. I think in the beginning you were this way but notice and recall months later you began to pull back emotionally from the relationship which both confused upset and terrified me.

At one point you were talking of it not working and it felt you were looking to leave or flee the relationship. I remember this being around when you went to Seattle and was gone for two weeks and often didn't call or write when you promised you would.

I think the push and pull in the relationship only kept me more invested in you and our relationship and made me fight harder to keep your interest in me, wish for your love. all of this tug of war and push and pull, memories of how nurturing and 'loving' you were towards me in the beginning of dating as seen in the below entries-- is probably what encouraged me to not give up on you and our relationship and also simultaneously cemented my emotional attachment towards you and deeper development of feelings of love, with you, although i could never reveal this to you when it all began and it sucked that i couldn't be honest for a long time since i am someone who doesnt believe in hiding feelings or keeping things inside.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this. I hope you find it interesting and even endearing, at the very least. I couldn't help but want you to read this, especially when we are taking such a big step together in the next month.

I hope you don't think it is silly and it would mean EVERYTHING to me if you wanted to read this and felt something thru reading it. I hope you like it. It is very emotional but in a good way that should move your heart on many different levels. I think everyone should look back every now and then and take the time to remember how it all began.

Foundations are important because somewhere in the midst of it all, that is when love was formed and created between us. I'd like to know when you have taken the time to read this and hear what you think. Hope you get something out of it :)

I love you-
April

+++

[ the past diary entries posted will be posted now - will update more currently later in week as i've felt extremely emotionally swamped this week, and have been too overwhelmed to write about more current things in life. second, i am struggling with an asthma attack which was kicked up last nite but started days ago when the weather unexpectedly went from HOT to COLD. i mean went from using the air on high sat/sun to having NO air on and even the heat on in the past two days. my system doesnt adjust well, my chest is extremely tight-constricted- hurts, breath is shallow and inhaler/advair is ineffective at this point. i feel congested. i also take zyrtec-d - BUT it's not making a dent either! anyway this is just a sort of emotional interlude and nostalgic share in b/t current events, for now. it's nice to take a break from current life every now and then and that's precisely the mood i am in right now :) ]

read on for the entries that are directly referred to in this actual entry.

[tripping back down memory lane]

---

HERE are the entries I wrote about him in the beginning:

Tuesday January 10, 2006

jan 6th-

he picked me up. on friday nite. had foods i loved. tapioca pudding and some soups because i was sick and took care of me. we watched me and you and everyone we know which my brother got my for xmas and he had seen but enjoyed so didnt mind seeing it again with me.

we both were very tired so ended up falling asleep towards the end but it was cos i was sick, cos i knew i'd love the whole film and would've if i had stayed awake- i have to rewatch it by myself because i missed parts- it was unique and off the wall funny in different parts.

that nite was the first time we had sex. i don't think he wanted to have sex so soon with me but think he couldn't control it because he knew i wanted to have sex so badly and i made him want it too. it was exquisite. fell asleep after. woke up, had sex again. watched some tv, then watched a radiohead live in astoria dvd he got from netflix, pretty good, fell asleep and napped together.

i woke up in the afternoon and got ready to go to the mall with him. picked up starbucks which he didnt allow me to pay for and looked at a few clothing stores for me (he wanted to buy me something but i didn't see anything i wanted even with the xmas money i had so i decided not to get anything)

it was so sweet that he wanted to buy me clothing though. i've never had a guy want to do that- he told me a little before we went to the mall he wanted to buy me something when we went there and i could pick it out and i felt so special. i felt like i didnt deserve it and didnt want him to waste his money on me! i was almost scared for him to buy me something- i dont know, because i think i feel like he's already given me so much and i don't know why he wanted to give me more?

anyway, i was so indecisive, he saw that it would be hard to buy clothing for me without me being there to choose it with him and mentioned that when we were browsing. i just felt so picky and i wasn't feeling well still so i wasnt in my best shopping mindset which sucked. we looked at: charlotte russe and gap. and then he wanted to look quickly at hot topic.

afterwards, we decided we were hungry and got chinese for lunch at the mall (westshore plaza) and ate in the food court. it was fairly good and we had good conversation. he brought up about teaching me to drive in the future and said if we were still together for a while he would help me learn to drive and get a car so i'd be able to get to places i needed to when necessary. i thought it was a good sign that he sees me in his future as something potentially permanent and serious.

when we got home, he decided to show me the film by stanley kubrick eyes wide shut- with nicole kidman and tom cruise which was bizarre, eerie and eccentric, well acted and great underlying theme of the idea that these people were living in a fantasy world, a facade of sorts, with their eyes closed, and that they needed to open them and wake up, to see what was right in front of them, and appreciate what they had in real life, to not take what they had for granted and to appreciate life. kind of like american beauty's message. my bf is a big fan of kubrick's films and woody allen films so he had been telling me a lot about those films and wanting to share them with me.

after the film, he let me sleep and rest for a while because i was still sick and just very run down and i slept next to him. he slept a little but woke up before me and did stuff while i was sleeping or watched some tv. then he made us both huge baked potatoes and we watched part of Grease (both our favorite film growing up- we idolized it similarly and like to sing the songs in it, also. he says him and his bros used to perform it for his parents. we really have a lot in common)..i believe we ended up having sex before going out that nite. then i showered.

he planned to take me to this beautiful light show with music at his work in downtown tampa that was on like every hour that nite. so we went to that though it was freezing out, like chicago cold and we were dressed like we lived in chicago lol and numb from the cold.

we took pics of the lights and he took some of me alone and a few of us together. it was pretty fun even though i was a little sick and it was so cold. then we drove back after spending an hour doing that. had some soup. watched sat nite live together. had a drink. put in a movie- broken flowers and then ended up having sex and going to sleep afterwards.

sunday we lazed around the house by watching some tv - he made us cinammon rolls for breakfast and then in the afternoon poltergeist was on and we watched it and fell asleep together on the couch during it. after it, we had sex again.

i showered to get ready to go home, and he made me a quick dinner for him and i before he took me back - of fettuncini alfredo and we watched grease again together and that was the last thing we saw on screen together when we walked out the door to go back to my house. it was a good weekend, depsite my sickness. our first time - becoming real lovers and fully having sex. so it was memorable and emotional. we both had a hard time expressing it though and are still going slow with this part of it, sharing emotions.

the weekend of january 13th 2006-

my bf picked me up in the evening- i was so drowsy from benadryl that for a few hrs at his place i kept falling asleep and passing out before we left to go to a club when we were laying next to each other on the couch watching tv shows and a dvd- i remember him kissing me too and not having energy to respond much and being shy and he asked me if i liked kissing as if maybe i didn't and i told him i did and felt bad because it had nothing to do with him, it was the benadryl making me unable to stay awake and my shyness.

i have a hard time making the first move when we kiss or inititate anything of a sexual nature. i think he wants me to be more assertive so he knows i desire him and feels good but i don't know how to be and am scared most of the time.

i'm trying to push myself to try harder but its difficult. i'm passive aggressive deep down. and can only be sexually assertive when i am very drunk or on something that relaxes me enough to make me lose control and lose all inhibition or fear. so, anyway, then we went out to czar, i had about three drinks. i finally woke up!

they played some good songs and so we danced for the first time and it was so emotional the way we held each other and arousing. i was a bit drunk and turned on and so it was easy to dance with him and get close.

i most remember how soon is now? by smiths playing and thinking that is exactly how i feel and the way i think both him and i think and i was thinking how this was meant to be, and how we were meant to be together and felt it was some slight sign.

we didn't stay too long because he was tired but it was ok because we had such a good time together anyway ..when we got home, i was drunk, trashed. i was also on my period. all i remember is laying with him on the couch and being so high on euphoria and aroused-- making out, playing with each other, then we went to the bedroom, after he got a towel to put down and lay me on it since i had my period and we were having sex. i don't remember it making a difference or feeling like it felt like my period, i hardly remember anything except feeling so good during sex and that we both came and collapsed on each other and fell asleep nude on top of each other for a bit and then must've changed into a pj top and underwear when i was half unconscious or half asleep/half drunk. because the next morning, i didnt remember dressing myself or putting it on and he said i had done it myself but we had passed out into sleep for a while before getting dressed.

the following day, we got up in the day. watched the bill murray (jim jarmusch film)- broken flowers- eccentric humor but interesting. then had to get ready to go out to do his car thing that day.

it was very windy and not a great day. he had to go to a car dealer to get a new battery so we went to university square mall and he dropped it off while we went in the mall and found a restaurant to eat at, Ruby Tuesday's for lunch. i can't remember what i had at this time.

so much has happened during these wkends and i haven't been writing that i cant keep up with it all. so much great stuff and emotion is seeping thru me and i can't pour it out fast enough and at the same time am holding on to it (or holding back) to make it stay special and to not jinx the fact that i might really have something here, something true and destined to be great in the future, something with him. i'm hoping i'm not wrong on that count. but i just feel he is the one. and i know its fast.

he doesnt believe in saying the L word right away and it takes him time to say it because he wants to mean it. i respect and admire it but it also makes me a little scared but he is doing it the healthy way. so i am not vocal about my emotions to him right now when it comes to "love"- i know i am falling in love with him. i can even say that i love him right now and it is developing and will get stronger and that this is real and what i feel is the truth and may take time, but i feel it already inside. i think i love him already but before i knew this, i knew from the first meeting that i wanted to love him and i wanted him to love me back.

i don't know what will happen because he is different in that he admittedly doesn't express 'love' right off the bat and that kind of thing takes him a long time to say which im guessing is because he wants it to be genuine and to be certain of himself. we'll see.

before bed, he put in eternal sunshine..cos he wanted me to watch it. he was tired so fell asleep during it. i watched the whole thing with him lying next to me holding me though. it was very sad in parts and i saw both characters in me (and even in him) i related it to us in a way (without the break up part)- just our personas. her impulsive ways and belief that she was just a fucked up girl was like the way i've viewed myself for a long time. and his introverted ways and diary writing of feelings, melancholy were a lot like another side of me too.

i went to sleep after it. i think we didnt have sex again until morning before i left because he was so tired and had to leave to go to his parents house for the holiday. he had to get up early sun. and take me home in the morning because he promised to go there for the holiday. but then, it ended up we didnt leave til afternoon.

in the car, he told me not to worry about anything and that he'd write me and things were going good between us and he didnt want me to feel insecure. he walked me to the door, helped carry my things, waited for me to open the door, then hugged me and said he had a good time with me. i said i felt the same and thanked him. he told me he would email me later and i thanked him and told him to drive safe.

it was hard to walk in that house, shut the door behind, without him following me, knowing i won't be seeing him for another weekend and it will be a long wk to get thru before that comes and just feeling overwhelmed with the fact that i miss him and already feel so much but can't tell him. out of fear he will get scared, reject me, or lose interest the closer i let him get inside of me. so, i don't know.

he treats me well and when i freak out over insecurity he is there right away to talk it out, soothe and fix things. he is reasonable, hasn't ever gotten angry at me or raised his voice at me or spoken in a way that would be felt as if i'm wrong, crazy, or irrational. he really listens and tries to be respectful and thoughtful always. he is the best.

i have to write more later, my medication is making me fall asleep at the desk.

later.

(latest wedding update/ details from fiance)

Hi, babe. I just wanted to let you know that I called about the marraige license and the tux. We don't need an appointment to get the marraige license. The lady said that Monday and Friday are the busiest days, but it shouldn't take longer than 15-30 minutes. I'm telling Michelle that I need to leave at 2 or 2:30 pm on Nov. 7th, so I can pick you up and drive downtown to get our license. I could probably wait until 3pm, but I don't want to take the chance of there being a long line and us not being able to get it that day. I'm not sure what they have planned for the little celebration or party they want to have for us, but I'll let you know the details as soon as I know them. It'll probably just be for about an hour or so someplace near work, like Four Green Fields or the Dubliner (both Irish pubs), or some other bar/restaurant.

I called about the tuxedos and everyone has been fitted. I also got our group number so I can look at what we ordered online. They had the wrong vest color in the system, so I asked the guy to change it for me. I'll be picking up my Dad's, both of my brothers' and my tuxes at Citrus Park and your Dad's, Allister's and Corky's will be at the Clearwater store. I'll call again about a week before the wedding to verify everything is correct because the website doesn't show pickup locations.

At lunch, I went to Alessi's to pay the deposit. It was like $71, so the balance due on Nov. 18th will be around $214. Maybe, we'll go there on Sat. Nov. 15th to buy the cake topper and pay the balance. I think we should look around Tampa for other places that might have toppers because the ones there are pretty expensive. The nice one that you were talking about is $45, but I think they have another nice one for $30 or $35. I heard that Party City has a wedding section and I think there is a $5 off coupon in the paper, so maybe we can go there one night later this week to see what they might have.

Well, that's about it. Hope you are having a good day. I'll see you in a few hours.

Love,
Jimmy

(more wedding planning/mom's sweet email)

Sent: Thursday, October 23, 2008 3:57:26 PM
Subject: Fwd: I had a ball [from mom about candles/decor she bought for US]


I just came back from the store and it was a productive day. I found the unscented ivory floating candles or tea lights and there are 144 for six dollars. I can be use for anything. If you dont like it I can return them for a refund. I bought a bunch of amethyst glass gems which can be use for decorations or par t of favors. I can ask my Chinese friend to inscribe Chinese characters for April and Jimmy'

I also bought a purple small wicker basket which can be used for anything. I can decorate and will look Pretty. Everything is falling in place little by little. We dont need to get stressed out anymore. What do you think of my adventure? Talk to you soon.

Love,
MOM

escapism or something like it.

Lately I am just too tired , distracted by all these wedding things we still need to complete [its only gotten more hectic in the past month and prior to this it was already stressful and busy], and I have been strung out on all we have to do.

We havent even watched any netflix in two mos and have 3 dvds to watch still but that is partially due to the fact that all of HIS sport games dominate the weekend [baseball and football] and by the time he is done and we get in a few short shows that i like, there is no time left. [i also get aggravated that by the time he usually watches the one measley show i wanted him to watch with me that is less than an hour, he falls asleep during it because all of his energy was expended towards his freakin' sport game!! god I HATE sports.

[we did end up watching a fabulous, crowd pleasing indie documentary this past weekend and i will write about it another day when i have more free time and energy!!]

Weekdays are dominated by 3-4 hrs of latest political shows/election coverage and all the new season shows for the fall. But those are things I quite enjoy and am addicted/ obsessed with anyway. I never miss Chris Matthews Hardball, Keith Olbermann countdown, and Rachel Maddow show, all three political shows are gems and I love all these hosts who are incredibly intelligent and witty people!!! I get my fix nightly monday thru friday with politics and satire!

We are looking forward to the debut of 30 rock this season which is our most fave comedy show on regular primetime tv. I think it's tonite - isn't IT? well, if it is, we will be enjoying every moment tonite - can't wait to see tina fey's Liz Lemon character as well as hilarious Jack played by alec baldwin.

we will also watch the office tonite, SNL debate wkend update special, and my fiance's fave reality show which personally i think is kinda stupid/ tacky [i think it is as stupid as american idol in MANY ways and think mainstream crap like that is junk] but i watch with him- cos it is his favorite and we compromise. SURVIVOR is human drama at its finest. i can only enjoy the show if i laugh at the people on it and make fun of them. then again, thats prob the main reason people love it, its hard to find anyone likeable in that show, everyone usually has something despicable about them. and i dont think highly of people fighting over a million dollars. really superficial. i have never had an urge to be rich or care about lottery or winning money. i simply feel there are more important things in life and i am far from money obsessed LOL]

OH also this past month, I got jimmy to start watching the new adventures of old christine [or something like that ] with julia louis dreyfus cos my little brother used to watch it [its hilarious and kooky. we enjoy her neurotic wine loving- self absorbed needy character, as well as the brother who plays a therapist but yet is extremely neurotic and scattered, and that blk lady who was also on curb your enthusiasm. is her name wanda?]

We have also taken a liking to 'how i met your mother' cos its very funny, kind of realistic in dating and relationship dilemmas b/t guy and girl and embarrassments in dating, as well as nostalgic, relatable to people are age and college age. i enjoy that one and wondered why i never paid attention more.

We both think the womanizer/player as characterized by "barney" in the show, [actor who once played doogie howser and is gay in real life] IS absolutely hilarious. the one where they find an old tape of him where hes all hippie like and sappy is so funny.

My other fave on that show seems to be the main character of entire show is the guy that always has very funnynostalgic stories and it seems the story often centers around him and he can kind of seem like dumb typical guy when it comes to how he puts his foot in his mouth with the women he dates and such. I think his name is "Ted"

I like him most prob cos he's very realistic in the way that i will often relate to things b/t him and whomever he is dating since it shows the way men and women think and how it can be both painful and embarrassing at times but there is always a moving moment b/t him and the girl that moves your heart and that's another reason i enjoy that.

Watching these shows helps alleviate the stress believe it or not. Sometimes we need an escape. I agree that television isnt my entire world and think I could live without it much of the time. But at this moment, it sure has been a godsend and a way to find some relaxation in between stress and exhaustion associated with making this wedding perfect and successful. Believe me, you'd all be kicking back and finding some way to veg out and escape if you felt the tremendous pressures we do right now LOL

We really dont have time or energy for a social life [ie concerts- and i dont have the energy for it either] or even the movie theater these days and enjoy just being able to lounge around at home on weekends rather than going out these days- at least I DO!

divine sweets + shades of purple.

We decided last nite that we WILL do the personalized M&M's idea that I suggested after I forwarded the link to my fiance and we spent several hours working on customizing, figuring out how many we needed and placing our order online.

To tie in with our wedding themed colors, we had a mix of light and dark purples and creme. We only got a handful of the personalized m & m's and then remaining M&M's are in the same colors but unpersonalized. We had to do it this way so we could fill up the tins fully without spending a fortune. It would have been close to 150 bucks if we did all personalized and we are only in the stages of estimating how many guests [approx 60] even though most have not replied yet.

In mixing it up, we ended up spending closer to 90 bucks. it wasn't going to get any cheaper than this and we became rather attached to the idea after filling in our names and our message on the website and seeing how pretty and unique it looks. You're not going to find a better idea than that in my opinion so we went with it.


So, we ended up getting 3 custom 7 oz. bags in purple with our words/names on those AND then: 3 unpersonalized bags in the colors of dark purple, 3 unpersonalized bags in color light purple and last set of unpersonalized 3 in creme.

Half of personalized m & m's will say April & Jimmy and other half will contain a message we both thought of together: "Now & Forever"

I am so excited - can't wait to surprise the guests and hope they think it is as beautiful as we do :)

M&M's® - Customized Chocolate Candy Wedding Favors And Gifts

The purple color looked more like lavender on the site but then we clicked on another section with the colors and it looked like deeper purple so it may be darker but i believe it will still match as was evident when his mom threw our wedding shower and it was an array of light and dark purples that really complemented each other quite nicely and added more life to the whole look.


A beautiful warming gift that my mother put on top of our gifts was a wreath made of fake flowers in the most beautiful arrays of purples, light and dark, also showcased how beautiful all ranges in the purple family go together. Her wreath was one that every one was in awe of and won the hearts of many women there, they couldn't stop talking about, its vivid beauty was apparent. it was especially touching since it looked like she had chosen it based on her own taste and knowing our wedding colors and it was not on our bridal registry so it was a spontaneous unique gift that touched my heart.

More on shower gifts and actual pictures of this wreath, all we got, and the people who attended with further commentary in a future entry.

+++

The Wreath after we hung it up in our 2nd bedroom which we use as my office for book business and personal usage. it's more mine than jimmy's since my computer is in here, a little tv and half of my clothing wardrobe, cds and such. this is where i go if he is watching a game and i am bored and want to watch tv elsewhere or want to just write, surf net, listen to online music etc.

still a thrill? i think so.

i have to say that we thoroughly enjoyed the new christian slater spy intrigue show.

'my own worst enemy' almost has a sci-fi feel to it. and often i flashbacked to one of my favorite films when i was younger, La Femme Nikita [and maybe a bit like the professional but not exactly]

the new show also made me think of dean koontz, something about it made me think about one of my fave books by him from my teenage years- 'watchers' the one where the govt experiments with dogs by implanting a chip and controlling them - i think with intent for evil. can't remember exactly cos i read that nearly twenty yrs ago, i can't believe i just said that. time flies so fast, it somex seems unreal to me.

[huge christian slater/ heathers/ and i remember me and bros recording "gleaming the cube" off cable that skateboarding film before slater was known, a bit of a b-movie thriller which i loved for the longest time. thought so cool since it reminded me of people i hung around [skaters/new wave/ alternative] in high school and all my friends were into that one as well. another one i loved that was a cable movie that was on the bside, but is one of my all time fave films- and i'd like to get it one day LOL- i loved it. but have never been able to find it as it wasn't really popular 'billy jean" but i loved the premise of it, how the lead female character became a heroine and fought for justice, a modern take on joan of arc, or something like that?

honestly, not much of spy intrigue fan- notice a lot of ALIAS fans like it thus far. but never was an ALIAS fan but remember my dad being and think this show is right up my dad's alley since its one of his favorite genres.

i mean, when i was younger, i think i did watch and read more stuff like that was spy intrigue oriented cos i was very influenced by my dad's taste- i remember how obsessed he was with all the james bond films back in the day [still is] LOL

this show kinda had a sci-fi feel to it or could possibly be scifi related due to the experiment with brain and split personality plot of the show.

for most part, i am definitely not a huge sci-fi person but there are certain types of films i have liked [only a few] that were scifi like but more on the futuristic side- blade runner, lost city of children, 12 monkeys, the handmaid's tale ETC

..altho there was a film out not long ago and raved about- but i can't recall the name. anyone know? it is the futuristic one about saving the human race and how there is only one woman on earth who can bear a child to save the world and is fertile. i thought it was completely stupid and didn't get what was so great about that one. i thought it was So overrated and didnt get it!!!!! (OH it was Children of Men)

Sci-fi is hit or miss with me- not really into fantasy [renaissance oriented or otherwise] genre either. most of the time, i do not get it and think its hokey, fake, tacky. j's the same way, thank god.

i mean, some of the new slater show on first impression was a bit tacky but the genre IS what it is, and its not always realistic. it isn't the type of show we watch generally and this season we are not invested in any shows that fit this category so its a refreshing change and nice break from our typical tastes!

the first ten to twenty mins, we were uncertain if we could get into it but after that time had passed, it quickly began to accelerate - twist and turn with suspense and unexpected plot turns. that was one of strong points of the show. it kept you guessing and trying to figure it all out and at times it did surprise you in a satisfying way.

we found ourselves kind of mesmerized, on edge, waiting eagerly for next scene. sure bits and pieces were a little cheesy, i mean, that it looked unreal and wasn't believable but for a fictional show, its entertaining and worth watching. i also enjoyed slater's dialogue/ wit, sarcasm and sly humor inserted into the show and some of the dialogue that hinted at existentialism and deep philosophical ideas.

the best part were the twist and turns. the only complaint i think i had was it was a bit shocking in that it was heavy in violence and felt like something u might see on cable tv NOT primetime although i realize it was 10pm. i commented several times to my fiance [and he agreed] that it was quite violent considering it was on regular tv.

i feel shocked sometimes at how much is shown on tv these days, a lot of it i feel inappropriate and have very mixed feelings . not good for children or even young adults. but that's just how i feel. i think the world is filled with too much violence and i can see several reasons why. one of this being the way shows are now overthetop.

ten yrs ago it was not to this level of 'intensity'. this does disturb me and im sorry if thats taboo or old fashioned but i truly believe too much of anything is BAD and when you become lax with how much violence/sex is on prime time tv, that is when people began to become desensitized and the whole world falls apart because values are lost. this is sadly what i notice anymore. i sometimes wonder if everyone else around me just chooses to be blind. i don't talk of this often, cos its not a popular view and people do not want to hear the truth or realize the reality of things. ignorance can be bliss.

anyway...overall im pleased with monday's new cbs show 'my own worst enemy' and look forward to next wk's epsiode!

i've been looking for a good new show this season cos i am getting really bored of the same old reality type shows we tend to watch. i mean i enjoy most of the ones we watch and they are good 'forget about life and stress' distractions however i like variety and lately it just feels predictable, stagnant, and drab. i get bored easily and sometimes i just want something new to get excited about!

so , we were really pleased to discover this. my fiance is a huge baseball [and football- YUCK- there nothing i hate more than football in the ENTIRE world] fan so he's been watching his games every nite cos i guess its really important right now. i dont know, i could care less about sports, i usually go on my computer, surf net or write if he turns that on. sometimes i look at my magazines and do projects on the floor while he is watching depending on how i feel. ive been too tired lately to do much in terms of relaxing and hobbies.

we are behind on a lot of the shows we typically watch during the work week but all of them are on our dvd-r. so we watched the new christian slater debut last nite even though it aired/recorded on monday as he had taken the whole nite to watch his game. he took all last nite to watch as well but i was ok with that since i had things i wanted to do by myself in my office and so much other projects i am working on, goals, chores and the like. and - plus i only agreed to it if he'd compromise and watch one half hour UK comedy show on IFC and then the new slater drama show we'd recorded which took up an hr. he obliged and so it was all good! :)

ps

I realize slater's voice is like a copycat of jack nicholson's voice, or a younger jack. but it doesn't bother me. truthfully i used to love him. as a teenager, he used to be one of my top favorite actors- ive had many of those but he was one of my most monumental [fave] stars as an adolescent. i still like him. and yes, i know his character is typical of many characters he has played in past films. but i don't care. there are tons of great actors, charismatic ones who are typecast. its just the way it is!

---

Here's review from Entertainment Weekly [which I subscribe to- the magazine] on the new Slater show if you have not heard of it yet or are interested on hearing more and what other people who checked it out are saying after series premiere this week!

Oct 14, 2008, 09:08 AM by Mandi Bierly

Watching the premiere of My Own Worst Enemy — NBC's Christian-Slater-has-a-split-personality drama — I finally understood how audience testing could screw a pilot: If I were holding a dial that measured how much I liked each moment of the hour, the results would look hillier than San Francisco.

First episodes are always tricky because large amounts of exposition can be tiresome. Make it a high-concept show that can't actually tell you anything (at least not until the final minutes), and it can be even more frustrating because you're constantly wondering if the payoff will be worth the wait... Without someone like Slater in the lead(s), I wouldn't have had the patience. But I'm glad he got me to stick around. And he'll keep me coming back.

The first moment that got me to sit up in my seat, and do one of those surprised-me! coughs you always see in movies, was, of course, when Edward, Slater's secret agent personality, shot (in the head) the woman he'd just bedded after she tried to kill the pillows him. I wrote "KINDA AWESOME" in my notes, but I think that's just because I'm sick of seeing women in their bras and/or panties in pilots this fall (Fringe, Eleventh Hour), and because after Edward uttered a line like, "Don't let an act of deception turn into an act of self-deception," I was craving violence. The moment I decided to give this series a serious chance, however, was when Mavis (Alfre Woodard), the boss of Edward's LA-based super-secret agency, told his alter-ego Henry, the suburban dad, that Henry was the personality that had been manufactured. Now the mystery is (A) Why would Edward sign up for this "program" (and don't feed me that bullcrap about doing it because you don't want to, to prove free will), (B) why does this program even exist (I'm guessing it's not because big bads, like this episode's Uzi, are all so willing to accept that the man who's been hunting them for 10 years is actually two people), and (C) why can't Henry be erased from Edward's mind (does Edward not want to let him go)?

Now that Henry is aware of Edward, the fun should begin in earnest, meaning we won't have to sit through another scene of Henry not understanding why he's being tortured and screaming "Don't you think I'd remember that [trying to kill you slowly]?" when a normal person would be yelling, "But I'm an [insert occupation]!" Instead, we'll just get Henry trying not to get killed when he awakens in Edward's world, and, fingers crossed, judging him some more. That "What a dick" line when Henry first stumbled into Edward's walk-in closet was classic. And we'll see Edward slapping the ass of Henry's wife and satisfying her so much sexually that she comes to rival Rachael Ray in the kitchen (cooking breakfast is her way of saying thank you and wow).

So, did the pilot do enough to hook you? What's your early theory about "the program?" And do you prefer scenes with Henry, Edward, or Hedward (when they're communicating important information, like "There's a difference between driving somebody's car and driving somebody's wife" through taped messages)?

More on 'My Own Worst Enemy':

TV Preview

My Own Worst Enemy

CHRISTIAN SLATER

Paul Drinkwater

By Dan Snierson

10-11PM · NBC · Debuts Oct. 13

Christian Slater stars as a man given a split personality in NBC's new spy drama My Own Worst Enemy, which renders him part superspy (Edward), part family guy (Henry). Here is a quick summary of fall's most adventurous new series: Edward is a fluent-in-13-languages operative who can snap your neck in a snap. Henry is a strategic management consultant who excels at...well, Excel. These two are nothing alike — except that they're the same guy, because a secret government organization ''manifested a divergent identity dormant in the sealed-off portion of the medial temporal lobe, creating a split personality.'' Henry isn't supposed to know about Edward, but thanks to a glitch in the program, he's waking up in strange countries in the middle of Edward's missions. Now Henry and Edward must work with each other to ensure survival. "They have to learn how to deal with the consequences of one another's actions, but don't always know what those
 actions are," says series creator 
 Jason Smilovic. He recruited more Enemy 
combatants, including Yes, Dear's Mike O'Malley to play Henry's wiseass work buddy, Tom, Alfre Woodard (Desperate Housewives) as Mavis, Edward's enigmatic boss, and Saffron Burrows (Boston Legal) will play Norah, Henry's therapist.

If Enemy can crack the code of appealing to mythology-obsessed geeks and casual TV watchers who simply want compelling emotional drama, NBC entertainment co-chairman Ben Silverman believes that the series "can absolutely be a huge piece of the puzzle" to help the struggling Peacock return to Nielsen glory.

COMMENTS

Delon Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 07:16 AM EST
I liked it. It was better than Fringe.

monica Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 11:30 PM EST
i thought it was awesome when we found that Henry was the fabricated one. that's hard to take.

bb Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 08:39 PM EST
I really liked it. The thought that your whole life has been fabricated as a cover for the REAL you, is just awesome.

Sadie Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 07:37 PM EST
Ok...I dvr'd this and just watched it tonight. I'm glad I did. Not only am I totally crushing on Christian AGAIN! but I love the concept of the show! It reminds me of La Femme Nikita. Bring it on and for heavens sake, DON'T CANCEL IT!

Jen in WI Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 05:41 PM EST
I just watched Inside the Actor's Studio, Slater was the guest and to how he describes the show made me think that the 'company' is a lot like APO from Alias. It's an uber secret govt set-up thingie that deals with super secret and dangerous retrievals and neutralizations and that sort of thing.

Charlie Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 03:50 PM EST
I AM TWO PEOPLE!

One that thinks this show sucked and will continue to suck, and one that will watch it when no one else is around...

Kelly Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 03:14 PM EST
I was hesitant about watching it, firstly because of mixed reviews, and also b/c I was afraid the premise was going to be either too cheesy or too over the top. But as the pilot unfolded my liking for it grew more and more. I think they nailed it; it's a perfect mix of action and humor. I loved the two different personalities' reactions to the other man's life. It was great. I'll definitely be watching more.

I like it already, just from seeing the pilot. Which is more than I can say for the overrated Fringe. (At least the last episode of that show was finally better, here's hoping that trend continues.)

Jen80 Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 02:43 PM EST
Yes, this was a pretty damn decent show. I'll definitely be back for more.

h Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 02:15 PM EST
i wasnt highly impressed. christian slater was good but i found the actual plot and writing of the show to be rather boring. will probably stick with it for a few episodes to see where it goes. but the writing does not compare at all to fringe or some of the other shows ive caught

Joe A Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 12:53 PM EST
I think this show really has potential long term. The concept is a lot closer to the literary Ludlum Jason Bourne/David Webb character than the films are and could really be interesting.

A. Noymous Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 12:40 PM EST
I was actually impressed with the show. funny and action packed. A lot better than the hour long Ford commercial, I mean Knight Rider that is pure cheese.

Now watch NBC cancel it on us.

Kristy Tru Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 12:34 PM EST
I love this show. The premise reminds me a little of the movie Total Recall but I really love this show.

Karen Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 12:25 PM EST
I really liked it! The actors/actresses are brilliantly cast and I really appreciated how they slowly unveiled the plot line. It is definitely fun watching Slater play the bad@ss but I also enjoyed seeing Henry come into his own by the end of the first episode. I will definitely tune in next week.

Shorty Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 12:23 PM EST
I like this show! The plot is different from anything else on, which makes it really interesting. However, since TV viewers tend to despise different or "edgy" programming, I have a sad sinking feeling that this will go the way of "Cane" and "Jonny Zero." I hated how CBS and Fox refused to give those shows a fair shot at building a fan base before yanking them. Best of luck, Christian!

timbit_queen Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 12:22 PM EST
I loved this show, and of course having Slater at the helm sure as heck didn't hurt. I'm flashing back to my teen years-Gleaming the Cube, man he was hot- sighing and falling in love all over again, but this time with the man. This show is unlike any before, and I am eagerly anticipating the next episodes. Here's to hopping that it will stick around and given a fair chance. Please, don't have us hooked only to take the same way out that the 4400 was given, sorry I'm still very bitter and peaved over thatone.

Sierra Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 12:21 PM EST
I'm w/ Caroline & Maria on this one. The crush I had on Christian Slater has been renewed. I liked the show, it's refreshing for a change & with that said, will probably be cancelled. I hope there are many more episodes to come. Come on...How many CSI shows do we need anyway?

Frankie Wells Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 12:00 PM EST
I so seldom watch network t.v. because it is so predictable and corny. This was a surprise and I won't miss the next episode. My husband was annoyed that I didn't tell him how good it was, but during the commercial breaks, I brushed my teeth, put wash in the dryer, etc. He'll be in on the next one.

Jenny Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 11:59 AM EST
If not because of Christian Slater,I wouldn't sit through this new show. Great plot and hope it will continue to satisfy everyone...hmm..Edward..no.I mean Christian.

Shasta Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 11:34 AM EST
I started off half-watching the show and ended up loving it. A very pleasant surprise, considering how terrible "Fringe" is. I actually liked "Worst Enemy" more than the recent "Chuck" episodes. (The whole Sarah/Chuck thing is just so lame.) Christian Slater totally sells it.

Maria Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 11:14 AM EST
Well it confirmed one thing: the crush I had on Christian Slater in 9th grade is still alive and well.

Caroline Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 10:48 AM EST
I really liked it, which means it will probably be canceled straight away.

RTA Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 10:27 AM EST
The show passed the first test. That of keeping me interested. It has a world of potential but I'm mostly glad they didn't try to make it funny. Clever will do fine, thank you very much. Bears watching, that's for sure.

Stephanie T. Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 10:18 AM EST

It's not like Kidnapped and Smith where the storylines were clearly ideas for films, this show made you wonder if the real person (Henry) is somehow psychologically wanting to be his real self or if someone is playing games. The show is complex, but not that complex. Slater fits this role, a bad a-ssed secret agent who loves sadistic sex and has a wicked sense of humor. It's like his Heathers character but he's not the bad guy.

Kate Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 10:07 AM EST
Eh, it might get a chance due to lack of competition in my world, but I was flipping to the Hills and the NLCS all night.

Christi Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 09:30 AM EST
Loved the pilot. You can't just jump in, it has to unfold so be patient people! The humor was perfectly played, not forced or cheesy. I'm in for the season.

Rachel K Tue, Oct 14, 2008 at 08:39 AM EST
I like Christian Slater so I'm willing to give it a couple more episodes. I have to say though, I like anything that has to do with Edward's world better, or rather anytime Slater's being bad-a**.

sick + crampy again! :(

I got sick again to my stomach as I havent had any bowel movements since three wks ago when I went to the ER- maybe even more than that so when I had chicken salad sandwich and a drumstick icecream cone. I instantly began cramping and feeling feverish. I was in pain all nite and scared I might end up in the hospital again.

I am hoping the cramps were only because of not going #2 in so long and a buildup. Both Jimmy and I had been concerned that I seemed unable to go for so long as it would seem unhealthy. I don't know what is wrong with my stomach but I should probably avoid icecream and anything with high concentration of dairy that seem to just agitate and set off cramps. I spent all day today in bed crampy, feeling feverish and going #2. I only woke up an hour ago as I barely slept last nite due to pain and being in the bathroom with severe cramps, feverish waves of nausea, at least 50 times during the entire nite. most of my bathroom trips resulted in NOTHING coming out and just sitting there suffering.

I took bentyl every three hrs all nite but it did not make a dent. In fact the cramps only heightened and got worse. It felt like trapped gas but NOTHING would come out. I almost felt on the verge of going to the hospital again. I didnt know what to do. I layed down on the couch with my legs up in a way to somehow make the cramps lessen with noelle my kitty sleeping on top of my head which slightly soothed me and CNN playing in the background, light on..at some point I guess I fell asleep out of pain and exhaustion.

Next time I awoke, it was dark, the tv was on still, and I saw my fiance getting ready for work about to leave around 7am. I got up, feeling A bit better but crampy still. I said goodbye to him and he asked how I was, told me to call if I needed him at all and to rest and said he loved me. We kissed goodbye and I tried to go sleep in our bed but the cramps felt worse laying in A bed even though my back and neck were hurting from being on couch. I ended up back on the couch for a few hrs.

when my neck couldnt handle it any longer. I groggily picked up my pillows and blanket and headed back to our bedroom. I must have been less crampy and so exhausted that this time I was able to sleep soundly. I didnt wake up til almost 4pm. My fiance is on his way home now. I had wanted to catch up with everyone but from being so sick and in bed all day, I was unable to and Im still not feeling so good. I mean I dont even know if I can eat any real food tonite. Im afraid of having a repeat like last nite. I just cant afford to be sick like this with so much to do for our upcoming wedding and so many appts to make in the next month and a half. I don't know what is wrong with me! :(

When I awoke, I got this email from my fiance. I felt so disoriented and out of it. I was anxious that I'd missed his email. It was about a baseball game upcoming. I'm not to into sports or games so I rarely want to go. Ive gone to a few baseball games with him but mostly find it boring and I just people watch and have absol no clue what is going on nor do I really care to know LOL I feel bad for him that Im not more into it as he isnt a person who enjoys going alone and often his friends stand him up when he asks them to go with. I feel bad about that. I don't think I will go for sure due to my stomach problems as of late. When healthy and in a right mood, I can make myself go with, just for him to have some company. Baseball is the only sport I could prob ever tolerate attending. I will never attend any football oriented games. I absolutely HATE football, think its the death of me, extreme boredom that I find more boring than the worst church sermon you can imagine + headachey- i hate yelling, rowdy assholes, and noisy crowds or crowds in general. Id rather NOT. LOL

this was his email to me though :)

Subj: Baseball

Date: 10/6/2008 9:32:34 AM Eastern Daylight Time

Hi babe,

I hope you are feeling better. If you need me for anything or want me to pick up anything for you on the way home, call me.

I wanted to let you know that I won the lottery to have a chance to purchase tickets for the Rays game if they beat the White Sox and get to the next round of the playoffs. I just found out about it and if I don't act now, they will be gone. Tickets are cheaper than they were last time and if I wanted to sell them for a lot more, I probably could. This opportunity might not happen again anytime soon, so I hope it is OK with you. I wish you liked going to games because I would like to go with you, but I realize it is not your favorite place. Anyway, I'll let you know the outcome when I get home.

Get some rest!

Love,
Jimmy

it's beginning to feel a lot like fall here.

(Jimmy + I)

(Me + My Mom)

(Jimmy + My Mom)

After my alteration appt with david's bridal - I wanted to take some pictures so I got a few of my fiance with my mom, then had Jimmy take some of my mom and I, and my mom take some of Jimmy and I.

Yes, it was a family affair LOL

Truthfully, my mother loves Jimmy and they get along well and they actually have a lot in common, such as the things that i hate which Jimmy absolutely LOVES- my mom seems to love just as much!! Mostly this applies to food, socialization adventure/liking to try "new" things + and fun!!! Hahahha.

After the assorted picture taking, we then all three headed over to Michael's arts and crafts which was next door.

+++

Michael's Arts & Crafts store after Alteration Appt:

Below are a few things we got at michael's. Jimmy actually saw some canvas on sale, so he got two one for me and one for him. I guess he was thinking in the future maybe we might want to try our hand at painting. Neither of us are really artistic in that sense or way altho I think both of us liked to draw/doodle growing up and weren't bad at sketching, but also not artistic like good enough to be an artist or creative inspiration or anything LOL

I found it interesting that he all of a sudden saw something he wanted to pursue as a hobby via Michael's in arts and crafts. especially after the last few trips there he'd rolled his eyes or sounded irritated when I was excited over all the art stuff wanting to buy it!! I wonder what came over him.

Jimmy wasn't feeling very well today and was sick earlier this week with a cold with muscle ache/fever for several days enough to even take off work midweek. I think he is run down just like I have been. It is probably from planning a wedding which has been highly stressful and since it's getting closer and closer to the date- there is more and more to do, stress is heightened and at times it is just tiresome for both of us!

So anyway, here's a few things I got that made me happy:

This pretty fall butterfly clip on decoration. I don't know where I'd put this or if I could use it in my reception hall but just thought it was so pretty and it was cheap so I wanted it for Fall.

....And, here is a "Far East" rubber stamp set I got. It includes pieces that stamp below designs and it includes the black ink. I just thought it would be cool to have and try. It is my first real rubber stamp set and they have so many amazing ones that I was overwhelmed with which one to pick! My next picks would have been the celtic cross styles and the retro looking fashion/european women ones- kind of vargas/nouveau art like style.

After Michael's- Jimmy and I decided to go with my parents where they go to dinner every Saturday. We were all hungry and had a long drive back so felt we might as well!

Below picture of us was taken at Longhorn Steakhouse :)

(Me + My Fiance at Longhorn)

During dinner, my mom told us the cutest story regarding my niece Alexcia. She told us that last week my niece came home from school sick from something she ate at school [apparently it was food poisoning as a few other kids at school contracted the same illness]...anyway while my mom was taking care of her-- she asked for the nemo cold compress I'd gotten for her birthday recently to put on her tummy to make her feel better, but when my mom got it and put it on her tummy, alexcia moaned that nemo wasn't big enough to help her tummy ache...Awww!!!! It just made me envision the tiny nemo on Alexcia's tummy and her saying that with her big saucer like eyes...poor baby!!!!

Luckily, she is better now, but I didn't get the chance to see her this past weekend but since the Tampa team of baseball won this division thingie [don't know anything about sports or care], my fiance will be going to the big game this coming saturday and I will probably just be dropped off to visit my family and niece while he does this, so I suppose I will get to visit her then.

Unless I get sick again. If I do, I will just stay home. I am still worn out from being sick in the past two days and I think I am runned down from all of this. I hope to catch up sometime tomorrow but for now must say goodnite. I spent much of tonite trying to recuperate and regain energy from last nite's illness :/

It's really beginning to feel like Fall here and that seems strange to say when it comes to FL, since it's not known to cool off til late October or early November. I like the feel of Fall though and the crisp air, the breeze. I know it's nothing like the places where snow falls as I've lived in those climates before and I don't soon forget. But I revel in that 'feeling' and find that I always become so nostalgic during the last few months before the year comes to a close. Perhaps it is because I am deep. Or maybe it is because I was born in November and so it just feels like home to me - natural.

I always travel towards darkness even when seeking light. It seems so much a part of me (like nature) that I gravitate toward darkness yet long for light - in so many aspects of my life. Sometimes, I am a total walking contradiction, even to myself!

Bridal Gown Alterations [with pictures]

pix before and during alterations at david's bridal, first fitting.

My measurements were- 31-26-37 I don't know what it all means other than that I have a petite chest and big hips apparently according to these numbers. I'm not sure what the numbers mean but I wish I did and I think I'm going to research that so I can find out.

Alterations were a bit tiring seeing that within minutes my feet were killing me and the lady kept reprimanding me for not holding my head high enough and standing straight. It was not that relaxing + a bit stressful. I couldn't wait til it was done and was relieved when about 40 mins later the hems being pinned, bust and waist pinned were finally finished where I could take the dress off and leave.

Unforunately I accidentally moved my arm too fast and one of the HUGE straight pins brushed against my skin causing a deep cut against my inner arm near my wrist. I had no idea it bled or that I'd been cut. I thought I just poked myself with the pin, not cut myself. Hours later, before bed is when I discovered the nasty dark red cut that looked like a smudge of sharpie red marker. It scared me. I put peroxide and neosporin, then put a bandaid on it immediately.

Here were some pix my mom and the alteration lady took for me. A few of these are prior to alterations so it looks a bit big because it wasn't taken in yet and a then a few were taken after I was all pinned up:

These were before the alterations began so nothing was pinned up yet. Also, the corset wasn't tied up yet so it looks a bit big without it being fully tied up.

I had my mom take a few snapshots before everything got pinned and taken in and in case I wasn't able to get any pix before turning the dress into alterations so I could see how the dress fit now and share with those I wanted to with.

I felt my arms and shoulders looked noticeably thinner than when I first tried on, bought the dress which I photographed the day of purchase back in May. I have lost some weight in the past month and it may be tied to that. I think it was more obvious in person though than in the actual photographs here. I don't know.

Closeup picture of top half, sideways:

Full length front shot.



My face sure does look red. I can't determine whether it is the lighting or if it is because I was feeling hot and nervous while standing there waiting to be altered OR if my skin really looks like that. Whatever the case it worries me because when I looked in the mirror during this time, I felt my complexion and color were noticeable as I got sort of a farmer's tan when I went to the beach back in July due to wearing a surfer style sleeveless top rather than bikini and was hoping it would fade before my wedding as I refuse to wear tanning spray or go to any tanning salon. I HATE being tan and the look of fake tans on people in general. I think it's ugly and will not do it, so I just have to cross my fingers that by the end of Nov., in person and in photo, that my skin is going to look even in tone and color otherwise I am in big trouble. I definitely don't want to look like I have splotchy skin color or orange-reddish tones on my wedding day. I really don't know what can be done to make sure this doesn't happen. So all I can do is HOPE and pray!

Frontal view



Below, picture is a crop from above picture-

There were mirrors all around so in the original picture it captured another angle and view by way of capturing the reflection in the mirror in the photo which I thought was really cool. I like seeing other perspectives.

Then, I had the lady doing the alterations take a few pix which appear below. She seemed reluctant about it and almost seemed like I wouldn't get any pix from her but I assertively asked and so I got my pix. I felt like she may've been annoyed at doing it so she didnt make the best effort but oh well, better than nothing. And it's irritating that the girl behind me appears in the picture. She didnt have any appt for david's bridal or even for alterations. Another saleslady dumped her onto the alteration lady wanting her opinion as the girl couldn't decide between two bridal gowns and it sounded like to me, the saleslady felt that the alterations lady's opinion would result in her getting a big sale from this woman. I think it worked but felt it should have been done AFTER my appt afterall Id made my appt weeks ago and had it reserved. Annoying!

The below picture shows how the dress looks after she hemmed up the front [which looked really nice and changes the whole look of the dress since it was way too long and I am so petite] You may notice that on each side of my bust. She had pulled in the sides somewhat with pins. This is when i ended up cutting my arm during the appt as I accidentally moved my arm and it got caught on a large pin. I didn't know I cut myself til hrs later.]

I had to have the side of my bust pulled in for a more flattering figure fitting top otherwise it looked like I had a sloppy figure with no breasts. I was wearing a strapless push up padded body slip along with silicone adhesive bra underneath to push up and enhance breasts. I hardly notice a difference and now think maybe I should have bought a size bigger, a B cup instead and I am seriously thinking I will either take a trip to Macy's or Victoria's Secret to buy a B cup silicone adhesive bra as I am now anxious my breasts are going to look funny since I'm not very full chested or curvy with this strapless dress. I never wear strapless anything cos obviously I don't have the breasts or the body for it.

I want to look perfect on my wedding day so I guess I have to spend an extra thirty bucks buying another silicone adhesive bra set since I am unable to return the one I just bought from David's Bridal which is an A cup. They have a strict policy where you cannot return or exchange anything once you purchase from them. It's one thing I really hate about them among several other things and think if I ever had to shop for wedding stuff again that I may not ever want to work with them again. I noticed that after you buy your dress, people are less friendly to help or give you great customer service and even when trying my dress for alterations, no one raved about how beautiful my dress looked on me yet that is all they did the day I was trying it on and thinking of buying it. Instead the alteration lady raved about the other girl's dress who had not yet bought a wedding dress and was considering buying that day. I found that curious and funny. It shows me that you only get compliments and flattery when you are considering buying from them, but once you buy, all that goes out the window. I don't think its coincidence and I think that is very bad customer service. It turns me off to ever want to shop with them again!

Anyway here I am below, with the bust pulled in with pins-




This will have to be sewn and taken in. Again my face and arms look red and I worry that it is from a past summer tan and won't fade in time for my wedding :/


View of back of gown:



I wanted to get a full view of the back, so here it is :) I really love the look of the corset tied up and the way the rest of the shape of the gown shows off my figure and curve :)



After Note:

I have a second appt, on November 5th at 7.30pm to be re-fit into gown, to make sure the new alterations fit my body well and to also have my bustle for my train built into my wedding dress. This is done so that when you go to the reception you can walk, move and dance without tripping on the train. This cost 225 dollars and I'm not sure if that included the train or not- that may have just been taking the bust, and waist in as well as having to hem the dress because I'm too short and petite. I felt like my body looked a little thinner, less fatty, bloated since the day I bought the dress in May and felt it was slightly noticeable but maybe im imagining that. It isn't drastic so I guess you might not really notice.
PS
To show you the difference between when I first tried on the dress back in May of this year and photographed it AND pix from this past wkend in October--I will share the pix from back in May. I feel I look way heavier in these pix and there is a noticeable weight loss although it may be harder to tell because in this set of pix I was wearing the veil with tiara over the dress and in the pix from alteration I am not wearing either of of those.











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Below are some of the things we ordered last month as party favors for our November Wedding, it arrived at my parents house this past weekend!

[we also finished addressing all our invitations earlier in the week and mailed them out on this past wednesday, by the way. we have had four replies since last week already from close family/friends who have already sent their reply saying they will be there!]

Party Favors we got:




#1 wedding beverage/ bar napkins in the color of lilac with silver writing, personalized with our names and wedding date along with symbol we both chose- the butterfly. since its my favorite and is already a semi-theme in the wedding and ties very well to orchids and a number of other styles ive chosen for my wedding thus far.






#2 disposable butterfly cameras for each main guest table.









#3 matches with symbol [chinese for love] and our names, wedding date on item [blk/silver]

ps We think we are going to order this pretty, unique and cool party favor as the wow factor for our wedding reception as a gift to our guest attending :)

It is a silver or pewter butterfly bookmark [i love it and ties in with our wedding theme]

Fund it on a website called http://www.favorsbyserendipity.com/

Here is the link to what we plan to get!

http://www.favorsbyserendipity.com/themed_product_pages/p-slg-6401-fc.html

origins, black holes, portals.

i'm falling back to the origins of how i came to be here, when i first began writing online (to the world), and so many memories are just swirling all around me.

it seemed such a monumental, if not vital time in my life.

i was 28 and feeling fine. never knew that the future held such darkness.

i look at this, mesmerized and perplexed.

it was the calm before the storm. and even in the storm, there were some lovely moments, moments where i would've gladly been taken down to drown inside of these feelings.

+++

this is about me.

this is who brought me here.

i was scarlet beautiful, in the windy city.

+++

some piece of me still lingers- trapped between past and present.

you can change names, change landscapes but the soul still remains the same.

this is a part of me that has never faded or been swept away.

sometimes, i am still that girl.

lost in 1999.

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/12692454923/standalone

(my memories are everything to me.

i can still taste it all.

feel it in my heart, in my soul)

me in chicago- the windy city- december of 1999

(soulblueprint)

the story previous to this was scanned + uploaded online to share in this entry and was written by a good friend (penpal) i've had since i was a teenager. we met by way of a music fan club and were friends thru out all these years. he originally lived in pennsylvania and i, in florida. we continued to remain in touch even after i had married for the first time back in 1996 and had moved to the city of chicago to reside and attend the university of illinois.

during this time, our contact was sporadic. one day he wrote me via snail mail. i had not bought my first computer yet. this was shortly before i began writing on an online diary and during a time when online diaries and blogging was new, not really popular, and it was kind of looked down (only the lonely introverted nerdy or unpopular people were into it. it was not seen as cool) and i remember when i first tried to explain it to most people in the outer world in my real life- i was looked at kind of strangely and most really didn't understand or get the appeal of online writing, writing for an audience and people you had never met, connecting, making friends with strangers around the world but it felt right and natural to me and i embraced it. i loved it and thrived on it.

today, i still write but am a lot more reserved since then. the online world of diary writing has changed a lot. back then you could trust anyone. almost. nowadays you cannot afford to be naive or get too immersed otherwise you lose track of the real world and yourself.

i don't allow myself to take that plunge anymore. it's really not healthy but it is a vital part of my life, writing online and sharing - connecting with others around the world. i'm just more cautious.
anyway, it was my penpal/friend who had discovered a particular diary site on the net, one of the first out in the late 90's and it was him who told me about it in hopes of bridging some gap between us and establishing a closer friendship, i suppose. he gave me his diary name and i found myself lost in a new exciting world of words and writers, a place that was foreign to me but felt natural. i had always been a writer ever since a child and had kept journals upon journals all thru my life. i was between 27 And 28. it was the end of summer 1999.

in the beginning of joining the online diary site for my friend- i vowed to only read him and maybe make a name so i could communicate with him. i never envisioned being able to step out in front of a world of strangers which i admit was somewhat intimidating and scary but exciting. i never knew i would want to share everything that was a part of and inside of me in this new world but it would not be long before i would.

but then it happened. i couldn't resist and i created my name on this site and became very well known and developed a large following - many new friends and people who really cared about and loved me despite the fact that i was a stranger and we'd never met. you see, for me this was a godsend. someone so isolated in her real life and without much attachment or connection around her [other than husband and brother] and so it felt right indeed, perfect, just what i needed.

in the beginning, it was cathartic, euphoric and i was growing, expanding my horizons. it wouldn't take long before i got so caught up into it, that i was wandering, lost and falling into the arms of another man thru his writing even though i fought it and even though i was married [this earlier story is told thru bits and pieces in this entire diary ] and to elaborate would take days on end because it is far too complicated.

my penpal was someone i felt extremely close to and i believed he felt the same. he does still write but its strange in that, ive felt for years now that he didnt' really want me to have any access to his diary and up til last year, i had been on his "friend" list but unable to see his favorite entries. he then must have changed it to fave only which was a list i was not on and i began to notice i could not longer even get in the diary period. it was humiliating to say the least and it goes a bit deeper than this. maybe he feels too vulnerable to me or doesnt want me to know parts of his life. it hurts in some way but i'm not one to want to make a scene or ask someone to explain their rejection of me so i've kept quiet.

he now lives in the same state as i do and i've seen him a number of times over the last five yrs where we'd get together but its been quite a while since i last saw him and he has become more and more distant. always promising to meet up but never coming thru or keeping his word. he will be at my wedding. this november. i've probably known him for at least twenty years and we've always remained close even when distance is thrown b/t us, even if it was his own doing. he's always been mysterious in that sometimes i never knew what he was really thinking, what was truth, and what was really going on- today it is mainly that he has almost become a stranger to me and i'm not really sure why he has become so evasive but it bothers me.

(us in 1999 when we got together during summer vacation)

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above is the portrait he mentions at the end of that entry (of me with a story attached). the one he gave me at disney when we met when i was nineteen yrs old. he had it made for me based on my sr highschool picture. it's always been one of my most treasured pieces in every place i have lived. today, my friend is a writer and teaches drama in high school.

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A PORTRAIT OF APRIL

Rendaldo staggered into the restaurant just after the lunch-hour rush. He was a towering black man wearing ruinous denims and a Pittsburgh Steelers jacket. Under his arm he carried a sketchpad and a box of pastel chalks. His hands were smeared with a rainbow of colors.
"You, I want to do your portrait," the man said to me. His eyes were red with drunkenness, and he smelled awful. I had seen his work, however, and he was quite talented considering the amount of wine he consumed each morning. He slept on the grass by the creek on those nights he wasn't in jail for public inebriation. A colorful man, to say the least. But I didn't want to have my portrait made. "What is your sign?" he asked me then. I said, "Capricorn." He replied, "You, you were born on the twenty-fifth of the month." He was right, and I was hooked. I dug through my wallet and said, "Could you make a portrait from a photo?" He jumped at the chance, then pointed at one of the pictures. "Her," he said. "I want to draw her." I looked at the photo of April and smiled faintly, then passed it to the man, along with my last six dollars.

As he drew, he spoke to me of alcohol and policemen and drug testing and women. He looked at April's photo once again and said, "Asian women are the most beautiful. She is Filipino, isn't she. Yes. She looks like that beautiful girl, whose father, oh whose father...the Vienam girl, the actress..." For a moment he was silent, but continued drawing. "Jane Fonda," he said finally. "A Filipino Jane Fonda, with such blue eyes."

He spoke of a foreign phrase, then smiled a spacy grin. "She said that to me as I left. The girl I knew in the Philippines. She said it meant, 'Where are you going? Where are you going?' I told her I was going back to my ship because we were done. A woman wants a man who will stay after the fact, but the man wants to play pool, be with his friends. A man says, 'I'm going to play ball,' and a woman cries when heleaves. But the man thinks about her. He remembers the glory of the moment when it happened. He always thinks, 'When will it happen again?' You never know. Next month? Tomorrow? The anticipation is what it is all about. Me, I am fifty years old. I have my art."

Fifteen minutes had passed by as he talked and drew. He said, "I see that cross around your neck. I know. God wants us to be sober, Jim, so that we won't forget his laws. That's the sin: not the drunkenness, but the forgetfulness. The trick is to remember the laws even when you're drinking. Four dollars a bottle, and it barely made meforget." Then he said, "I am finished. She is beautiful. And you are lucky to have her. He handed me the sketch, and I examined it for a moment. "I've never even met her," I admitted. He replied, "She's the saddest girl you'll ever know."

+++

(haunted by the presence of the things i miss)

the above nostalgia comes from a recent trip i had taken to my parent's storage unit about an hour away from where i live to try to start sorting thru my belongings, mementos, and sentimentals that i had long stored away when i was forced to leave chicago in 2001. when i was forced to leave- i was unable to bring those things with me. i was forced to fit into a suitcase and carry on bag, favorite clothes and only my most favorite things of makeup/perfume/cds/books/magazines/personal letters/poems/dvds/ and everything u can imagine. my journals. photos. photo albums. childhood things. my life of 29 yrs.

when i had to leave, unexpectedly and with not much warning or time to organize my thoughts and belongings- i could barely take anything and everything else was left to sit in storage out of state in chicago. it would be 3 yrs before my parents could arrange for a way for me to get all of my things from chicago moved back to the state i was now a permanet resident of- florida [where i'd been forced to move back to due to abandonment].

it wasn't until october 2005 that we were able to do this and then these things were promptly put into storage. there was so much and it was so disorganized and thrown together hastily in unmarked boxes that i could never go thru it all as it overwhelmed me so and i had so many mental issues going on and chaotic relations to keep me from focusing on getting it done. it had been hastily packed when i was forced to flee my apt with parents help as i was abandoned by my first husband out of the blue [now ex.] and my parents had to come and rescue me. it was the ultimate hysteria. i had no time to think when packing, when running. no time to be organized so everything was dishelved. and shoved into a storage unit in chicago where it would sit there in dust for years.

i've been living with my fiance (who i am to marry next month) for approx two yrs now [give or take] and so that hasn't lend itself much time to try to sort out this storage unit of my life that is a far drive from where we live, humongous in amount of what is there, not to mention i kind of am limited to when i can go there and sort thru things because: the storage unit closes at seven pm, we don't get out there much, a lot of it needs to be sorted apart from my fiance since alot from previous marriage is in there and i feel it would make him uncomfortable + three- my mom is currently using the place my stuff is at to also store her things in there and since i've last gone, she's put so much stuff in there that it is hard to figure out where my stuff is as none of it was really labeled or organized in any sort of way. that makes it unbelievably overwhelming for me to sort thru anything and the dust is something i can barely tolerate. not to mention there is no air and the times i tend to go there are during the summer heated days when it is barely bearable!

so recently one wkend when my fiance went to a game with my brother since im anti-sports, my mom and i took a trip to the storage and i brought back a few boxes which i took home to our place. i started sorting it on friday and had found a few folders in a box/ notebooks from UIC, some of it was stuffed with nostalgic writings i'd printed from my first online diary (elsewhere - not here) when i first joined in 1999. there were papers and emails from past online diary friends which happened to be around a monumental time in my life when i was going thru a lot and centered around relationships and chaos.

there were many other things in the folder from around the late 90's to the start of a new century (the 2000's) that i still find deeply sentimental today..like when i first made a website tribute to lola rennt, run lola run- the submission to geocities and acceptance letter and a million fan letters written to me in regard to my website. all of this was so moving it brought me back to that place that i visit often in my head- nostalgia induced memories that both sadden me and warm my heart- make me long for those days simultaneously. i was so excited and happy to find these few treasures, they were like hidden gems that just lit me up inside.

what can i say? i am probably one of the most nostalgic people i know. my fiance doesn't really get this as it seems he isn't the way i am, about writing, sentimental stuff, memories and mementos packed away. i doubt he gets it. i tried to share the scarlet beautiful piece with him last nite just cos i wanted to share a piece of the girl i was and my heart. i think it was a mistake though. the romantic wording and leaning in that piece probably made him uncomfortable which was totally not my true intention.

i only shared it cos this friend and i never had any romantic relationship let alone physical relat. but i guess i can understand his apprehension or unsettled feelings since i am way more jealous than him and would be enraged if he showed me anything hinting towards him of love, crush, or desire from another girl. i guess that was not a good choice but he just doesn't seem to become jealous easily and i wanted to share an important vital part of my past. too deep for words. but maybe i shouldn't have.

i asked my fiance if it made him uncomfortable and he said it didn't but when i asked what he thought he kinda shrugged shoulders and said it was, OK. that made me think he could care less about my sharing, was bored, OR was bothered by what i shared. i don't know what else to make of such indifference but i felt kind of annoyed at him. i guess i know better to share anything in my heart like that again.

it makes me sad that i cannot share with jimmy the way i would've shared with my exhus. as that was the kind of relationship i had during my first marriage. my ex even wrote on the diary site and we both read each other, and had mutual diarist friends. jimmy doesn't read my diary and has no interest in that sort of "thing". i guess its good to have my own private outlet away from the relationship and maybe that kind of separation is healthier but i really miss having a partner who gets the whole diary thing, is interested and into it. and its hard for me in some way since all the guys in my past relationships wrote online and read my online stuff as well. this is the only person i've been with who isn't into that sort of thing and has no interest/time to read the things i write.

it makes me sad that i can't share with jimmy the way i would've shared in my past relationships but he is just very different than anyone i've ever known. my ex-husband was open to my past and allowed me to share everything. i hate to admit it but i often miss that quality. i love jimmy but i often wish he would be more open (sharing) and allow me to be my total self. my ex was the one who truly allowed me to be myself one hundred percent. i realize now its a rare quality that i assumed anyone i had a relationship or married would give me.