foundations + revelations- [nostalgic moment]

i was feeling rather nostalgic, last nite and so i started tripping back down thru memory lane. i always go back to the beginning of the foundation of things. my origins. this time i found myself tripping back to the start of my relationship with jimmy which formed back in 2006. he is now the man i will marry in the next month.

once i started reading, i couldn't stop. pretty soon i was hit full-on with the emotions, like i was back in that place and it was 2006 again. a barrage of feeling- giddy-ness, happy and excited, full of desire, want and need, yet always analytical, insecure, anxious. i tried to remain hopeful whenever i wrote about him and the possibility of love and a future because i felt it was the only way to go.

these two entries i will repost and share here really do preserve a moment in time that covers everything from what was happening in both of our lives to music and film, and significant markers of that time period and when we first found each other and love was an adventure, very terrifying because i could really lose and i had been emotionally 'totalled' and shattered with the last hand ful of men i had been with. wasn't sure this falling thru would not be the final end of me. meaning - i'd been broken into pieces so many times by men, i feared that this failing would break me forever and would kill me. if it ended badly. i think he was always aware of this aspect of my fragile personality- its evident by the way he took care of me and by the words i spoke of him.

i shared this with him today. and he just called me on the phone to tell me, thank you, and that he had read it, and it was really nice. he told me he was almost unable to get thru the entire thing without breaking into tears. he was not able to go into great detail but i felt from his few words he was moved. he told me it was emotional and he felt it, and remembered all of it too. he didn't give much insight into his thoughts but he did emphasize several times, it made me, you made me feel really good - really good about myself. so i know that it moved the way i wanted it to move within him.

reading and remembering, feeling it all, well that was a precious gift and i felt an abundance of feeling when reading my own words, it was so touching and sweet. i felt the best gift would be to give him my words and my heart. in essence it was all there. if love wasn't evident back then, i don't know what was.

after reading the initial first thoughts uncensored from my own diary, i am sure he realizes now the importance of words and the memories that they form and what it really means to me, to write, record, and immortalize those feelings, memories, experiences - forever.

i am sure after i shared my heart with jimmy, there is absolutely no doubt in him that i've always seen the good in him and that all the key things i wrote about back then were the things that built the love i feel for him now.

foundations are important. we must not ever forget.

my email to him below:

Hi sweetie-

[prelude to what I am sharing with you and what it entails is below - please read on, thanks!]

In retrospect, I was looking back at things I wrote when we first began dating. I came across my first two entries about you when we began seeing each other. They are very telling about the way I felt and thought back then, my fears, worries, insecurities are also very clear, things I didn't openly admit to you.

The way I write is the way I think/feel in a relationship. I am much more open about my emotions and feelings with you NOW but that is because I feel there is security in the relationship now, but back then and for a long time [prior to living together], I didn't because I didn't really know where I really stood with you therefore my security in the relat. was not very solid and I was scared/anxious most of the time esp. previous to asking you if you loved me and to tell me if you did or not etc. [approx over 9 mos into relationship]

These two entries [medium length, not in depth or long] should not make you uncomfortable. I think it shows my heart, that it shows the way I am deeply nostalgic, the way I care, and also I feel it is sweet, it reveals thoughts of you and hopes towards you and a future...

It is a reflection of things happening and forming between us that really do lock a memory forever in time. I am grateful, so grateful that I am a writer and that I did take time to record what I did here. Reading this took me back and made me remember and feel everything all over again. I revel in remembering and feeling. That's why this is so important to me, even now.

This was in jumbled rambling without paragraph break sentences because back then I didn't write as much and felt so overwhelmed emotionally, I often had no energy to write about life or my relationship. I can still be this way but not to this extent. This isn't a good example of my typical writing but these were written right after you dropped me off on these weekends, before bed when I was often exhausted but pushed myself to write, not wanting to forget anything.

I just wanted to capture my memories with you before they faded. I was on a lot of meds then and drinking quite a bit, and I sometimes could feel my mind slipping. I know NOW that a lot of my memories from that time are erased due to excessive use of tranquilizers etc.

If not for this preservation of memory in diary form, I might not remember all the details although the majority of this I remember like the back of my hand. I think its touching / moving/ insightful/ strange/amusing and makes me blush to re-read this. because all my insecurities are so open and my true feelings are revealed in here without reservation.

Also NOTICE the amount of times i mention SEX and LOVE. both were most on my mind and things i love most. i think what you see here and what you know of me now is pretty consistent to a lot of the detail shared in these writings, altho i recognize ways in which i have changed and grown.

I hope sharing this with you means something to you and it touches your heart in some way, maybe provides insight into a part of me you have never seen or known yet. I am one of those people who enjoys knowing what someone thought of me in the beginning but didn't say and I find it fascinating.

I feel like most people enjoy this kind of thing and I also feel it brings two people closer to share this sort of stuff. It is about a memory and the start of our relationship together, that alone holds great significance because its solely about my heart in all of its fragility and vulnerability and how much i thought about you as well as my depth of feeling for you.

I admit that for a very long time, it was hard that i was unable to share how i truly felt about you- with you- it was excruciating and painful [not to make you feel guilty, but it just was what it was- painful not to express emotion towards you and to not know you felt anything for me].

I'm glad that is no longer something i have to wonder over. the feelings in here are pure and i think you can really tell how delicate i am inside. and scared.

When you read this, you may also notice and remember how nurturing you were with me based on the things I share in these posts, and also how emotionally nurturing you were towards me in the beginning even if you didn't necessarily express direct feelings or emotions even.

It seemed based on these writings I wrote, you were very reassuring - coaxed me knowing my insecurity, fear and hurt inside, and protected, took care of me. I think in the beginning you were this way but notice and recall months later you began to pull back emotionally from the relationship which both confused upset and terrified me.

At one point you were talking of it not working and it felt you were looking to leave or flee the relationship. I remember this being around when you went to Seattle and was gone for two weeks and often didn't call or write when you promised you would.

I think the push and pull in the relationship only kept me more invested in you and our relationship and made me fight harder to keep your interest in me, wish for your love. all of this tug of war and push and pull, memories of how nurturing and 'loving' you were towards me in the beginning of dating as seen in the below entries-- is probably what encouraged me to not give up on you and our relationship and also simultaneously cemented my emotional attachment towards you and deeper development of feelings of love, with you, although i could never reveal this to you when it all began and it sucked that i couldn't be honest for a long time since i am someone who doesnt believe in hiding feelings or keeping things inside.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this. I hope you find it interesting and even endearing, at the very least. I couldn't help but want you to read this, especially when we are taking such a big step together in the next month.

I hope you don't think it is silly and it would mean EVERYTHING to me if you wanted to read this and felt something thru reading it. I hope you like it. It is very emotional but in a good way that should move your heart on many different levels. I think everyone should look back every now and then and take the time to remember how it all began.

Foundations are important because somewhere in the midst of it all, that is when love was formed and created between us. I'd like to know when you have taken the time to read this and hear what you think. Hope you get something out of it :)

I love you-
April

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[ the past diary entries posted will be posted now - will update more currently later in week as i've felt extremely emotionally swamped this week, and have been too overwhelmed to write about more current things in life. second, i am struggling with an asthma attack which was kicked up last nite but started days ago when the weather unexpectedly went from HOT to COLD. i mean went from using the air on high sat/sun to having NO air on and even the heat on in the past two days. my system doesnt adjust well, my chest is extremely tight-constricted- hurts, breath is shallow and inhaler/advair is ineffective at this point. i feel congested. i also take zyrtec-d - BUT it's not making a dent either! anyway this is just a sort of emotional interlude and nostalgic share in b/t current events, for now. it's nice to take a break from current life every now and then and that's precisely the mood i am in right now :) ]

read on for the entries that are directly referred to in this actual entry.

[tripping back down memory lane]

---

HERE are the entries I wrote about him in the beginning:

Tuesday January 10, 2006

jan 6th-

he picked me up. on friday nite. had foods i loved. tapioca pudding and some soups because i was sick and took care of me. we watched me and you and everyone we know which my brother got my for xmas and he had seen but enjoyed so didnt mind seeing it again with me.

we both were very tired so ended up falling asleep towards the end but it was cos i was sick, cos i knew i'd love the whole film and would've if i had stayed awake- i have to rewatch it by myself because i missed parts- it was unique and off the wall funny in different parts.

that nite was the first time we had sex. i don't think he wanted to have sex so soon with me but think he couldn't control it because he knew i wanted to have sex so badly and i made him want it too. it was exquisite. fell asleep after. woke up, had sex again. watched some tv, then watched a radiohead live in astoria dvd he got from netflix, pretty good, fell asleep and napped together.

i woke up in the afternoon and got ready to go to the mall with him. picked up starbucks which he didnt allow me to pay for and looked at a few clothing stores for me (he wanted to buy me something but i didn't see anything i wanted even with the xmas money i had so i decided not to get anything)

it was so sweet that he wanted to buy me clothing though. i've never had a guy want to do that- he told me a little before we went to the mall he wanted to buy me something when we went there and i could pick it out and i felt so special. i felt like i didnt deserve it and didnt want him to waste his money on me! i was almost scared for him to buy me something- i dont know, because i think i feel like he's already given me so much and i don't know why he wanted to give me more?

anyway, i was so indecisive, he saw that it would be hard to buy clothing for me without me being there to choose it with him and mentioned that when we were browsing. i just felt so picky and i wasn't feeling well still so i wasnt in my best shopping mindset which sucked. we looked at: charlotte russe and gap. and then he wanted to look quickly at hot topic.

afterwards, we decided we were hungry and got chinese for lunch at the mall (westshore plaza) and ate in the food court. it was fairly good and we had good conversation. he brought up about teaching me to drive in the future and said if we were still together for a while he would help me learn to drive and get a car so i'd be able to get to places i needed to when necessary. i thought it was a good sign that he sees me in his future as something potentially permanent and serious.

when we got home, he decided to show me the film by stanley kubrick eyes wide shut- with nicole kidman and tom cruise which was bizarre, eerie and eccentric, well acted and great underlying theme of the idea that these people were living in a fantasy world, a facade of sorts, with their eyes closed, and that they needed to open them and wake up, to see what was right in front of them, and appreciate what they had in real life, to not take what they had for granted and to appreciate life. kind of like american beauty's message. my bf is a big fan of kubrick's films and woody allen films so he had been telling me a lot about those films and wanting to share them with me.

after the film, he let me sleep and rest for a while because i was still sick and just very run down and i slept next to him. he slept a little but woke up before me and did stuff while i was sleeping or watched some tv. then he made us both huge baked potatoes and we watched part of Grease (both our favorite film growing up- we idolized it similarly and like to sing the songs in it, also. he says him and his bros used to perform it for his parents. we really have a lot in common)..i believe we ended up having sex before going out that nite. then i showered.

he planned to take me to this beautiful light show with music at his work in downtown tampa that was on like every hour that nite. so we went to that though it was freezing out, like chicago cold and we were dressed like we lived in chicago lol and numb from the cold.

we took pics of the lights and he took some of me alone and a few of us together. it was pretty fun even though i was a little sick and it was so cold. then we drove back after spending an hour doing that. had some soup. watched sat nite live together. had a drink. put in a movie- broken flowers and then ended up having sex and going to sleep afterwards.

sunday we lazed around the house by watching some tv - he made us cinammon rolls for breakfast and then in the afternoon poltergeist was on and we watched it and fell asleep together on the couch during it. after it, we had sex again.

i showered to get ready to go home, and he made me a quick dinner for him and i before he took me back - of fettuncini alfredo and we watched grease again together and that was the last thing we saw on screen together when we walked out the door to go back to my house. it was a good weekend, depsite my sickness. our first time - becoming real lovers and fully having sex. so it was memorable and emotional. we both had a hard time expressing it though and are still going slow with this part of it, sharing emotions.

the weekend of january 13th 2006-

my bf picked me up in the evening- i was so drowsy from benadryl that for a few hrs at his place i kept falling asleep and passing out before we left to go to a club when we were laying next to each other on the couch watching tv shows and a dvd- i remember him kissing me too and not having energy to respond much and being shy and he asked me if i liked kissing as if maybe i didn't and i told him i did and felt bad because it had nothing to do with him, it was the benadryl making me unable to stay awake and my shyness.

i have a hard time making the first move when we kiss or inititate anything of a sexual nature. i think he wants me to be more assertive so he knows i desire him and feels good but i don't know how to be and am scared most of the time.

i'm trying to push myself to try harder but its difficult. i'm passive aggressive deep down. and can only be sexually assertive when i am very drunk or on something that relaxes me enough to make me lose control and lose all inhibition or fear. so, anyway, then we went out to czar, i had about three drinks. i finally woke up!

they played some good songs and so we danced for the first time and it was so emotional the way we held each other and arousing. i was a bit drunk and turned on and so it was easy to dance with him and get close.

i most remember how soon is now? by smiths playing and thinking that is exactly how i feel and the way i think both him and i think and i was thinking how this was meant to be, and how we were meant to be together and felt it was some slight sign.

we didn't stay too long because he was tired but it was ok because we had such a good time together anyway ..when we got home, i was drunk, trashed. i was also on my period. all i remember is laying with him on the couch and being so high on euphoria and aroused-- making out, playing with each other, then we went to the bedroom, after he got a towel to put down and lay me on it since i had my period and we were having sex. i don't remember it making a difference or feeling like it felt like my period, i hardly remember anything except feeling so good during sex and that we both came and collapsed on each other and fell asleep nude on top of each other for a bit and then must've changed into a pj top and underwear when i was half unconscious or half asleep/half drunk. because the next morning, i didnt remember dressing myself or putting it on and he said i had done it myself but we had passed out into sleep for a while before getting dressed.

the following day, we got up in the day. watched the bill murray (jim jarmusch film)- broken flowers- eccentric humor but interesting. then had to get ready to go out to do his car thing that day.

it was very windy and not a great day. he had to go to a car dealer to get a new battery so we went to university square mall and he dropped it off while we went in the mall and found a restaurant to eat at, Ruby Tuesday's for lunch. i can't remember what i had at this time.

so much has happened during these wkends and i haven't been writing that i cant keep up with it all. so much great stuff and emotion is seeping thru me and i can't pour it out fast enough and at the same time am holding on to it (or holding back) to make it stay special and to not jinx the fact that i might really have something here, something true and destined to be great in the future, something with him. i'm hoping i'm not wrong on that count. but i just feel he is the one. and i know its fast.

he doesnt believe in saying the L word right away and it takes him time to say it because he wants to mean it. i respect and admire it but it also makes me a little scared but he is doing it the healthy way. so i am not vocal about my emotions to him right now when it comes to "love"- i know i am falling in love with him. i can even say that i love him right now and it is developing and will get stronger and that this is real and what i feel is the truth and may take time, but i feel it already inside. i think i love him already but before i knew this, i knew from the first meeting that i wanted to love him and i wanted him to love me back.

i don't know what will happen because he is different in that he admittedly doesn't express 'love' right off the bat and that kind of thing takes him a long time to say which im guessing is because he wants it to be genuine and to be certain of himself. we'll see.

before bed, he put in eternal sunshine..cos he wanted me to watch it. he was tired so fell asleep during it. i watched the whole thing with him lying next to me holding me though. it was very sad in parts and i saw both characters in me (and even in him) i related it to us in a way (without the break up part)- just our personas. her impulsive ways and belief that she was just a fucked up girl was like the way i've viewed myself for a long time. and his introverted ways and diary writing of feelings, melancholy were a lot like another side of me too.

i went to sleep after it. i think we didnt have sex again until morning before i left because he was so tired and had to leave to go to his parents house for the holiday. he had to get up early sun. and take me home in the morning because he promised to go there for the holiday. but then, it ended up we didnt leave til afternoon.

in the car, he told me not to worry about anything and that he'd write me and things were going good between us and he didnt want me to feel insecure. he walked me to the door, helped carry my things, waited for me to open the door, then hugged me and said he had a good time with me. i said i felt the same and thanked him. he told me he would email me later and i thanked him and told him to drive safe.

it was hard to walk in that house, shut the door behind, without him following me, knowing i won't be seeing him for another weekend and it will be a long wk to get thru before that comes and just feeling overwhelmed with the fact that i miss him and already feel so much but can't tell him. out of fear he will get scared, reject me, or lose interest the closer i let him get inside of me. so, i don't know.

he treats me well and when i freak out over insecurity he is there right away to talk it out, soothe and fix things. he is reasonable, hasn't ever gotten angry at me or raised his voice at me or spoken in a way that would be felt as if i'm wrong, crazy, or irrational. he really listens and tries to be respectful and thoughtful always. he is the best.

i have to write more later, my medication is making me fall asleep at the desk.

later.

origins, black holes, portals.

i'm falling back to the origins of how i came to be here, when i first began writing online (to the world), and so many memories are just swirling all around me.

it seemed such a monumental, if not vital time in my life.

i was 28 and feeling fine. never knew that the future held such darkness.

i look at this, mesmerized and perplexed.

it was the calm before the storm. and even in the storm, there were some lovely moments, moments where i would've gladly been taken down to drown inside of these feelings.

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this is about me.

this is who brought me here.

i was scarlet beautiful, in the windy city.

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some piece of me still lingers- trapped between past and present.

you can change names, change landscapes but the soul still remains the same.

this is a part of me that has never faded or been swept away.

sometimes, i am still that girl.

lost in 1999.

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/12692454923/standalone

(my memories are everything to me.

i can still taste it all.

feel it in my heart, in my soul)

me in chicago- the windy city- december of 1999

(soulblueprint)

the story previous to this was scanned + uploaded online to share in this entry and was written by a good friend (penpal) i've had since i was a teenager. we met by way of a music fan club and were friends thru out all these years. he originally lived in pennsylvania and i, in florida. we continued to remain in touch even after i had married for the first time back in 1996 and had moved to the city of chicago to reside and attend the university of illinois.

during this time, our contact was sporadic. one day he wrote me via snail mail. i had not bought my first computer yet. this was shortly before i began writing on an online diary and during a time when online diaries and blogging was new, not really popular, and it was kind of looked down (only the lonely introverted nerdy or unpopular people were into it. it was not seen as cool) and i remember when i first tried to explain it to most people in the outer world in my real life- i was looked at kind of strangely and most really didn't understand or get the appeal of online writing, writing for an audience and people you had never met, connecting, making friends with strangers around the world but it felt right and natural to me and i embraced it. i loved it and thrived on it.

today, i still write but am a lot more reserved since then. the online world of diary writing has changed a lot. back then you could trust anyone. almost. nowadays you cannot afford to be naive or get too immersed otherwise you lose track of the real world and yourself.

i don't allow myself to take that plunge anymore. it's really not healthy but it is a vital part of my life, writing online and sharing - connecting with others around the world. i'm just more cautious.
anyway, it was my penpal/friend who had discovered a particular diary site on the net, one of the first out in the late 90's and it was him who told me about it in hopes of bridging some gap between us and establishing a closer friendship, i suppose. he gave me his diary name and i found myself lost in a new exciting world of words and writers, a place that was foreign to me but felt natural. i had always been a writer ever since a child and had kept journals upon journals all thru my life. i was between 27 And 28. it was the end of summer 1999.

in the beginning of joining the online diary site for my friend- i vowed to only read him and maybe make a name so i could communicate with him. i never envisioned being able to step out in front of a world of strangers which i admit was somewhat intimidating and scary but exciting. i never knew i would want to share everything that was a part of and inside of me in this new world but it would not be long before i would.

but then it happened. i couldn't resist and i created my name on this site and became very well known and developed a large following - many new friends and people who really cared about and loved me despite the fact that i was a stranger and we'd never met. you see, for me this was a godsend. someone so isolated in her real life and without much attachment or connection around her [other than husband and brother] and so it felt right indeed, perfect, just what i needed.

in the beginning, it was cathartic, euphoric and i was growing, expanding my horizons. it wouldn't take long before i got so caught up into it, that i was wandering, lost and falling into the arms of another man thru his writing even though i fought it and even though i was married [this earlier story is told thru bits and pieces in this entire diary ] and to elaborate would take days on end because it is far too complicated.

my penpal was someone i felt extremely close to and i believed he felt the same. he does still write but its strange in that, ive felt for years now that he didnt' really want me to have any access to his diary and up til last year, i had been on his "friend" list but unable to see his favorite entries. he then must have changed it to fave only which was a list i was not on and i began to notice i could not longer even get in the diary period. it was humiliating to say the least and it goes a bit deeper than this. maybe he feels too vulnerable to me or doesnt want me to know parts of his life. it hurts in some way but i'm not one to want to make a scene or ask someone to explain their rejection of me so i've kept quiet.

he now lives in the same state as i do and i've seen him a number of times over the last five yrs where we'd get together but its been quite a while since i last saw him and he has become more and more distant. always promising to meet up but never coming thru or keeping his word. he will be at my wedding. this november. i've probably known him for at least twenty years and we've always remained close even when distance is thrown b/t us, even if it was his own doing. he's always been mysterious in that sometimes i never knew what he was really thinking, what was truth, and what was really going on- today it is mainly that he has almost become a stranger to me and i'm not really sure why he has become so evasive but it bothers me.

(us in 1999 when we got together during summer vacation)

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above is the portrait he mentions at the end of that entry (of me with a story attached). the one he gave me at disney when we met when i was nineteen yrs old. he had it made for me based on my sr highschool picture. it's always been one of my most treasured pieces in every place i have lived. today, my friend is a writer and teaches drama in high school.

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A PORTRAIT OF APRIL

Rendaldo staggered into the restaurant just after the lunch-hour rush. He was a towering black man wearing ruinous denims and a Pittsburgh Steelers jacket. Under his arm he carried a sketchpad and a box of pastel chalks. His hands were smeared with a rainbow of colors.
"You, I want to do your portrait," the man said to me. His eyes were red with drunkenness, and he smelled awful. I had seen his work, however, and he was quite talented considering the amount of wine he consumed each morning. He slept on the grass by the creek on those nights he wasn't in jail for public inebriation. A colorful man, to say the least. But I didn't want to have my portrait made. "What is your sign?" he asked me then. I said, "Capricorn." He replied, "You, you were born on the twenty-fifth of the month." He was right, and I was hooked. I dug through my wallet and said, "Could you make a portrait from a photo?" He jumped at the chance, then pointed at one of the pictures. "Her," he said. "I want to draw her." I looked at the photo of April and smiled faintly, then passed it to the man, along with my last six dollars.

As he drew, he spoke to me of alcohol and policemen and drug testing and women. He looked at April's photo once again and said, "Asian women are the most beautiful. She is Filipino, isn't she. Yes. She looks like that beautiful girl, whose father, oh whose father...the Vienam girl, the actress..." For a moment he was silent, but continued drawing. "Jane Fonda," he said finally. "A Filipino Jane Fonda, with such blue eyes."

He spoke of a foreign phrase, then smiled a spacy grin. "She said that to me as I left. The girl I knew in the Philippines. She said it meant, 'Where are you going? Where are you going?' I told her I was going back to my ship because we were done. A woman wants a man who will stay after the fact, but the man wants to play pool, be with his friends. A man says, 'I'm going to play ball,' and a woman cries when heleaves. But the man thinks about her. He remembers the glory of the moment when it happened. He always thinks, 'When will it happen again?' You never know. Next month? Tomorrow? The anticipation is what it is all about. Me, I am fifty years old. I have my art."

Fifteen minutes had passed by as he talked and drew. He said, "I see that cross around your neck. I know. God wants us to be sober, Jim, so that we won't forget his laws. That's the sin: not the drunkenness, but the forgetfulness. The trick is to remember the laws even when you're drinking. Four dollars a bottle, and it barely made meforget." Then he said, "I am finished. She is beautiful. And you are lucky to have her. He handed me the sketch, and I examined it for a moment. "I've never even met her," I admitted. He replied, "She's the saddest girl you'll ever know."

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(haunted by the presence of the things i miss)

the above nostalgia comes from a recent trip i had taken to my parent's storage unit about an hour away from where i live to try to start sorting thru my belongings, mementos, and sentimentals that i had long stored away when i was forced to leave chicago in 2001. when i was forced to leave- i was unable to bring those things with me. i was forced to fit into a suitcase and carry on bag, favorite clothes and only my most favorite things of makeup/perfume/cds/books/magazines/personal letters/poems/dvds/ and everything u can imagine. my journals. photos. photo albums. childhood things. my life of 29 yrs.

when i had to leave, unexpectedly and with not much warning or time to organize my thoughts and belongings- i could barely take anything and everything else was left to sit in storage out of state in chicago. it would be 3 yrs before my parents could arrange for a way for me to get all of my things from chicago moved back to the state i was now a permanet resident of- florida [where i'd been forced to move back to due to abandonment].

it wasn't until october 2005 that we were able to do this and then these things were promptly put into storage. there was so much and it was so disorganized and thrown together hastily in unmarked boxes that i could never go thru it all as it overwhelmed me so and i had so many mental issues going on and chaotic relations to keep me from focusing on getting it done. it had been hastily packed when i was forced to flee my apt with parents help as i was abandoned by my first husband out of the blue [now ex.] and my parents had to come and rescue me. it was the ultimate hysteria. i had no time to think when packing, when running. no time to be organized so everything was dishelved. and shoved into a storage unit in chicago where it would sit there in dust for years.

i've been living with my fiance (who i am to marry next month) for approx two yrs now [give or take] and so that hasn't lend itself much time to try to sort out this storage unit of my life that is a far drive from where we live, humongous in amount of what is there, not to mention i kind of am limited to when i can go there and sort thru things because: the storage unit closes at seven pm, we don't get out there much, a lot of it needs to be sorted apart from my fiance since alot from previous marriage is in there and i feel it would make him uncomfortable + three- my mom is currently using the place my stuff is at to also store her things in there and since i've last gone, she's put so much stuff in there that it is hard to figure out where my stuff is as none of it was really labeled or organized in any sort of way. that makes it unbelievably overwhelming for me to sort thru anything and the dust is something i can barely tolerate. not to mention there is no air and the times i tend to go there are during the summer heated days when it is barely bearable!

so recently one wkend when my fiance went to a game with my brother since im anti-sports, my mom and i took a trip to the storage and i brought back a few boxes which i took home to our place. i started sorting it on friday and had found a few folders in a box/ notebooks from UIC, some of it was stuffed with nostalgic writings i'd printed from my first online diary (elsewhere - not here) when i first joined in 1999. there were papers and emails from past online diary friends which happened to be around a monumental time in my life when i was going thru a lot and centered around relationships and chaos.

there were many other things in the folder from around the late 90's to the start of a new century (the 2000's) that i still find deeply sentimental today..like when i first made a website tribute to lola rennt, run lola run- the submission to geocities and acceptance letter and a million fan letters written to me in regard to my website. all of this was so moving it brought me back to that place that i visit often in my head- nostalgia induced memories that both sadden me and warm my heart- make me long for those days simultaneously. i was so excited and happy to find these few treasures, they were like hidden gems that just lit me up inside.

what can i say? i am probably one of the most nostalgic people i know. my fiance doesn't really get this as it seems he isn't the way i am, about writing, sentimental stuff, memories and mementos packed away. i doubt he gets it. i tried to share the scarlet beautiful piece with him last nite just cos i wanted to share a piece of the girl i was and my heart. i think it was a mistake though. the romantic wording and leaning in that piece probably made him uncomfortable which was totally not my true intention.

i only shared it cos this friend and i never had any romantic relationship let alone physical relat. but i guess i can understand his apprehension or unsettled feelings since i am way more jealous than him and would be enraged if he showed me anything hinting towards him of love, crush, or desire from another girl. i guess that was not a good choice but he just doesn't seem to become jealous easily and i wanted to share an important vital part of my past. too deep for words. but maybe i shouldn't have.

i asked my fiance if it made him uncomfortable and he said it didn't but when i asked what he thought he kinda shrugged shoulders and said it was, OK. that made me think he could care less about my sharing, was bored, OR was bothered by what i shared. i don't know what else to make of such indifference but i felt kind of annoyed at him. i guess i know better to share anything in my heart like that again.

it makes me sad that i cannot share with jimmy the way i would've shared with my exhus. as that was the kind of relationship i had during my first marriage. my ex even wrote on the diary site and we both read each other, and had mutual diarist friends. jimmy doesn't read my diary and has no interest in that sort of "thing". i guess its good to have my own private outlet away from the relationship and maybe that kind of separation is healthier but i really miss having a partner who gets the whole diary thing, is interested and into it. and its hard for me in some way since all the guys in my past relationships wrote online and read my online stuff as well. this is the only person i've been with who isn't into that sort of thing and has no interest/time to read the things i write.

it makes me sad that i can't share with jimmy the way i would've shared in my past relationships but he is just very different than anyone i've ever known. my ex-husband was open to my past and allowed me to share everything. i hate to admit it but i often miss that quality. i love jimmy but i often wish he would be more open (sharing) and allow me to be my total self. my ex was the one who truly allowed me to be myself one hundred percent. i realize now its a rare quality that i assumed anyone i had a relationship or married would give me.

cat power!

[above picture is one i took in my room and was taken with my FIRST digital cam quite a ways back in 2004. i think my niece got this HK doll at mcdonald's and had two of them so i inherited it gladly!]

A Hello Kitty Moment:

As a little girl my mom used to take us to an expensive dept store in existence in the 80's here called Burdines. they had a section in the girl's clothing dept as i was one of those girls who loved clothes shopping and my mom took me a lot. anyway there was this little clear cubicle shelfing thingie that had all kinds of sanrio stuff which included hello kitty and other faves [some i have a few things from and saved from childhood]- my melody (i think thats the name} and little twin stars. these were all fond childhood characters i loved.

My main feel-good memory is my mom would allow me to pick one little thing from the Sanrio section everytime she took us to that dept store and as a treat she'd buy one item for me. it became a ritual and is a fond sentimental childhood memory.

Then in 2000 i found a Sanrio store in a suburb mall in Illinois, Schaumburg [Woodfield] and started shopping there frequently. I bought a lot of HK stationary/stickers + knick knacks and even had a frequent shopper card.

Everytime I go to Hallmark or Target [in the past 4 yrs] I see tons of HK items i want for me!!
My mom + i also got my niece into HK since a baby and she's got a ton of hello kitty oriented toys, clothing and such including the first CD boombox she was given as a 3 yr old by me and my mom for her birthday which was of course a Hello Kitty CD boombox much like the ones so popular back in the 80's- those Sharp ones- I had one of those and it was pink, the only difference is that it wasnt a hello kitty staple and it only had a tape cassette player as CD was not out back then!!!

Oh, the memories!!

+++

i cut out the following clip from my fashion magazine some years ago back in 2004- i think this is from ELLE. the hello kitty trend hasn't died down since and is as hot as ever to this day. i don't think this is a passing trend either. it only gets bigger and better as the years go by and it is definitely one trend i'd like to pass on to my child should i ever have a daughter :D

i will possess your heart -

Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.

-Ovid

we got death cab for cutie's latest cd this past weekend and listened to it on a long drive home. it was sweet, romantic, brought back memories of how we got together- which in many ways was quite unexpected, full of excitement, anticipation. i resisted his advances for more for about six months. thats kind of why the song reminds me of him, i feel like the song could have been written for me by him. i feel like the girl in this song is the girl i was in jimmy's life in the beginning.

everything about the below song [featured in my project playlist for all to hear] in music, emotion, and wording reminds me so much of my fiance [it is one of his favorite songs right now actually and i feel it is a song that makes him think of me] - and it has quickly become a favorite of mine as well. the long instrumental introduction is beautiful mesmerizing, emotional and captivating all at once. i love the piano in this and the melody of it all.

it's one of those songs that gives me chills, moves my heart, takes me back, reminds me of how we met and how we formed. the way our love has grown over time. the words in the song convey very much how he projected himself towards me before i allowed him to pursue a relationship with me. i was extremely resistant and hard to get. it's incredible to me that things turned out as they did and it still amazes me how things can do a complete 180 degree turn when you least expect it...and the way feelings can change.

i was very closed off to him, emotionally, romantically and that is why i resisted him. due to previous past hurt and abuse by men i had been with, i felt seering bitterness and absolute divine hatred towards men, and in all honesty, i didn't think we'd click. out of fear, i oscillated between doubt and certainty in an inconsistent way which is why i pulled back from him for some time to sort myself out and figure out what i wanted.

in ways the push and pull, tug of war, back n forth reminds me a lot of pride and prejudice. something like that.

it was that i was determined. i was determined to be rigid, stubborn, not let any man easily in especially him and for some reason i'd chosen him to challenge myself with. i felt my mind was set, and what i was attracted to was the opposition of him and the feelings that came along with it all.

i can't really make anyone understand but can only say that i was extremely determined in the fact that i wasn't going to let another male hurt me again and so i began to teeter back n forth between showing some mild vague interest in him and gently innocently titillating him in some restrained way. i refused to be perceived as a slut but hints of sexual flirtation did seep out due to my inability to control my sexuality which is often intense. i thrive best on stimulation, danger, mystery, but i have learned to keep myself very controlled and under wraps since being in a seriously committed relationship and i do not allow myself to stray.

[in my past, i was wildly careless, impulsive, flirtatious and unrestrained.]

with him, i wanted to be perceived differently so i think i made him work harder and didn't give of myself so carelessly, so freely, so easily. i wasn't going to let anything be easy this time. i think part of that was anger towards the men before him who had ruined, damaged, destroyed everything inside of me. that's why at a certain point, i pushed jimmy away and said i needed space and i avoided him literally for three months.

he must have given up. and out of the blue one december day right before christmas was to roll around, i suddenly woke up with realizations and regret. i suddenly knew what i wanted and that was a chance with him. i suddenly realized i'd been blind as to what was right in front of my eyes and i'd been insensitive.

i wish i could explain all the ways in which he tried to 'be there ' for me, cheer me up, wanting to take away my pain, make me happy, and continually asking to take me out, cook for me, take care of me but i had declined the one who was generous and kind out of stubbornness and distrust/mistrust in men, anger, bitterness and jadedness.

it was months before i realized my mistake.

it was lucky i was able to reconnect and he was able to look past my neglect, disdain, mis-sight in things. i did explain to the fullest the whys of my reaction and action towards him and apologized profusely. i feel in ways i really did hurt him with my rejections at his advances. and i mean numerous rejections. i felt horrible over that for a long time. i wasn't the honorable person i so prided myself in - at the start of us forming a potential 'relation-ship' although neither of us knew if we wanted romance or not.

the only thing obvious was that we were both looking for someone to love and to be loved, deep down and with jimmy, it was also the allure of challenge, the feeling that comes after resistance, the build up of tension that creates suspense and in ways, excitement.

when you fight something sometimes it seems like maybe it was really yourself you were fighting against. and it builds real suspense, and arousal in ways. the tension creates the need for release which results in sexual tension and then, afterwards there's always that immense rushing feeling of giving in, but not in a bad way, in a way that feels almost orgasmic like some heavenly release. like, you've opened your heart to something, someone new. that feeling of opening, and finding- surprising yourself, doing something you thought you'd never do, going outside of yourself, going deeper- that in itself is the highest of highs -

sometimes the best aphrodisiac are my memories- hands down!

i can't quite explain the exhiliration i felt when this all occurred and the nite we first met. lets just say we did click in every way and it was electric.

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/11988325643/standalone

How I wish you could see the potential,

The potential of you and me

It's like a book elegantly bound,

But in a language that you can't read just yet

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

There are days when outside your window,

I see my reflection as I slowly pass

And I long for this mirrored perspective,

when we'll be lovers, lovers at last

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

You reject my advances and desperate pleas

I won't let you, let me down so easily, so easily

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

-Death Cab For Cutie

one of my most cherished mementos.

here is an example of something my brother did when we were in highschool, prob in his class. he used to always doodle and it was something i found years ago left in my parents home when he moved out, so i made sure to take it with me and its always been in my sentimental collection of those days. i always loved my brother's creative doodlings and especially how he linked it to cool music that we were both into. allister and i were really close in highschool and were very much into the same style, music and film. this is one wonderful example of our connection.

i've always looked up to allister, wanted to be more like him, admired his artistic and creative ways and was inspired by him. he lives in san francisco and right now he is in tokyo, japan for the very first time on vacation and i envy him that. what a cool place to be esp anyone inspired by japanese art, culture, and style. he is a graphic artist by the way and a gifted photographer :)

here is a sample of his work which ironically relates to that song 100 years by the cure that makes me so emotional - this is very sentimental and i share it because it is one of my most treasured and cherished mementos. he'd probably be embarrassed if i were writing so much hype on this and his artistic talents and sharing this because he is modest. and i don't even know if he knows i kept this piece of his and have always loved it.

here it is- i know he is my brother but i still think it is way cool and shows just how artistic/creative my brother is. i'd love to be more like him! :)



ps sorry it is yellowed because it has aged. this must be from back in 1988 or 1989. i tried to preserve it best as i could and its in a sheet protector right now. i love stuff like this. my memories are everything to me and yes, i am extremely sentimental so excuse me for being so mushy :))))