contrast + compare.

reminiscing, i found this past entry from my birthday on november 1st of 2006-- it ties to my recent previous entry on the gifts i am giving alexcia on saturday for her 7th birthday as that was the first time I saw Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas and since I am nearly a Halloween baby LOL-

Since, I am nearly a Halloween baby [born day after] LOL- i found it a perfect way to spend my birthday back in 2006. my fiance took me to watch the special release for the holiday season in 3D at a really big theater in a hip area in st. pete.

you can see what i mean by the pictures below. i've just copied the past entry in order to share this memory with current faves. :) some of these are my most favorite pix of myself from that year!

this is how i used to be and look, prior to moving in with my fiance. [that's why i get depressed over the way i look as of late!]

i was a lot thinner there by ten pounds. 10 sounds tiny but on my body, its been huge + horrible. once i tackle all this wedding stuff and get situated in life, emotions sorted, treated- i intend to overcome this and conquer it. just from being sick recently, i unknowingly LOST some weight. its the lowest ive weighed in a few yrs so i was pretty shocked. im sure it has to do with cutting out coke, and drinking small servings of gingerale, water or gatorade in exchange. as well as barely eating due to pain and disinterest in food.

i am still sick as i've been all week in that i have been crampy, nauseaus, weak, feverish, coldsweat, migraines, upset stomach and all that but also just got my period so i've found a new pain to battle, the cramps have been horrible.

midol isn't even working. i still can't believe i could lose weight while i've got my period and am bloated. it always puts on a few pounds extra. i guess i really have been sick. :(

i just still can't believe that i am down to 101 pounds.

i weighed 107 in july or august.

because of being sick and also having alexcia's birthday to celebrate tomorrow- everyone felt it best i cancel my bridal gown alteration appt because my stomach is tender, sore, bloated, i have my period + my weight is uncertain now. it would have been my first fitting but it's way too overwhelming and stressful after what i've been thru this week and i am so drained from being sick that i can't emotionally handle a whole lot.

we've rescheduled for next wkend. i will be off my period by then and hopefully i will have recovered from this sickness so i can be strong enough to tackle what i need to do for my wedding. sigh.

anyway back to sharing this past memory..

i loved how these came out and it makes me wistful to be like this again.. but it's been impossible ..i am hoping i can get back to this, in the near future. i had a lot of confidence back then and this was only 2 yrs ago. i've really become so burned out lately.

anyway, i DID have so much fun posing for these..i hope i can experience that one day again :)

+++

Pictures From my birthday this evening with Jimmy- he took me to Bay Walk in downtown St. Pete and we had dinner at a nice place called- Too Jay's. He had a chicken salad sandwich while I had a salmon fillet entree with roasted potatoes and asparagus. It was pretty good.

Afterwards, he thought he'd take me to a movie that was specially being offered there and not by him and a favorite one of his from the past- (I had never seen it but liked it and thought it was cute) Tim Burton's The Nightmare before Christmas in 3-D film.

After, we took a few pix around bay walk and then by venoi park in st. pete, here are the pix from that nite!

Oh, he also gave me a very sweet and touching beautiful I love you card for my birthday and he wrote how much I mean to him, how happy he is to have me and how proud of me he is with the progress I've made in the past yr and that he will continue to be here to help me in the next yr and then wrote how lucky he is to have a beautiful, brilliant, caring and loving person like me and that he couldn't ask for more. I didn't open it til he had dropped me home and I was alone so it was very touching to my heart as I wasn't expecting it. (he has been expressing love to me since the beginning of october after we had an important talk but this was the first time he ever gave me a love card or anything so romantic and associated with love so it makes me very happy!)

He did give me my birthday present a week early (gucci - rush perfume) and is taking me to two concerts and included that as part of my bday gifts (the cult this friday and on tues, the twilight singers) and I think he wish he could've given more but I was very happy with what he gave me and most importantly that I got to spend any amount of time with him on my birthday. It was very sweet, nice and romantic. Anyway I just wanted to share my day and share some pictures below.

(i color fixed most of the pix, some of them I will include the original with the closer cropped version afterwards, and certain ones if they were sharp and vibrant enough- I also converted to black and white. They came out really beautifully! Enjoy :))

see below! (this was before we lived together and in our first year of dating, by the way :))

Before Jimmy picked me up with alexcia:

Then, off we went to see the special 3D version of 'the nightmare before christmas' at a theater by the pier in downtown st. pete:

+the end+

cat power!

[above picture is one i took in my room and was taken with my FIRST digital cam quite a ways back in 2004. i think my niece got this HK doll at mcdonald's and had two of them so i inherited it gladly!]

A Hello Kitty Moment:

As a little girl my mom used to take us to an expensive dept store in existence in the 80's here called Burdines. they had a section in the girl's clothing dept as i was one of those girls who loved clothes shopping and my mom took me a lot. anyway there was this little clear cubicle shelfing thingie that had all kinds of sanrio stuff which included hello kitty and other faves [some i have a few things from and saved from childhood]- my melody (i think thats the name} and little twin stars. these were all fond childhood characters i loved.

My main feel-good memory is my mom would allow me to pick one little thing from the Sanrio section everytime she took us to that dept store and as a treat she'd buy one item for me. it became a ritual and is a fond sentimental childhood memory.

Then in 2000 i found a Sanrio store in a suburb mall in Illinois, Schaumburg [Woodfield] and started shopping there frequently. I bought a lot of HK stationary/stickers + knick knacks and even had a frequent shopper card.

Everytime I go to Hallmark or Target [in the past 4 yrs] I see tons of HK items i want for me!!
My mom + i also got my niece into HK since a baby and she's got a ton of hello kitty oriented toys, clothing and such including the first CD boombox she was given as a 3 yr old by me and my mom for her birthday which was of course a Hello Kitty CD boombox much like the ones so popular back in the 80's- those Sharp ones- I had one of those and it was pink, the only difference is that it wasnt a hello kitty staple and it only had a tape cassette player as CD was not out back then!!!

Oh, the memories!!

+++

i cut out the following clip from my fashion magazine some years ago back in 2004- i think this is from ELLE. the hello kitty trend hasn't died down since and is as hot as ever to this day. i don't think this is a passing trend either. it only gets bigger and better as the years go by and it is definitely one trend i'd like to pass on to my child should i ever have a daughter :D

i will possess your heart -

Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.

-Ovid

we got death cab for cutie's latest cd this past weekend and listened to it on a long drive home. it was sweet, romantic, brought back memories of how we got together- which in many ways was quite unexpected, full of excitement, anticipation. i resisted his advances for more for about six months. thats kind of why the song reminds me of him, i feel like the song could have been written for me by him. i feel like the girl in this song is the girl i was in jimmy's life in the beginning.

everything about the below song [featured in my project playlist for all to hear] in music, emotion, and wording reminds me so much of my fiance [it is one of his favorite songs right now actually and i feel it is a song that makes him think of me] - and it has quickly become a favorite of mine as well. the long instrumental introduction is beautiful mesmerizing, emotional and captivating all at once. i love the piano in this and the melody of it all.

it's one of those songs that gives me chills, moves my heart, takes me back, reminds me of how we met and how we formed. the way our love has grown over time. the words in the song convey very much how he projected himself towards me before i allowed him to pursue a relationship with me. i was extremely resistant and hard to get. it's incredible to me that things turned out as they did and it still amazes me how things can do a complete 180 degree turn when you least expect it...and the way feelings can change.

i was very closed off to him, emotionally, romantically and that is why i resisted him. due to previous past hurt and abuse by men i had been with, i felt seering bitterness and absolute divine hatred towards men, and in all honesty, i didn't think we'd click. out of fear, i oscillated between doubt and certainty in an inconsistent way which is why i pulled back from him for some time to sort myself out and figure out what i wanted.

in ways the push and pull, tug of war, back n forth reminds me a lot of pride and prejudice. something like that.

it was that i was determined. i was determined to be rigid, stubborn, not let any man easily in especially him and for some reason i'd chosen him to challenge myself with. i felt my mind was set, and what i was attracted to was the opposition of him and the feelings that came along with it all.

i can't really make anyone understand but can only say that i was extremely determined in the fact that i wasn't going to let another male hurt me again and so i began to teeter back n forth between showing some mild vague interest in him and gently innocently titillating him in some restrained way. i refused to be perceived as a slut but hints of sexual flirtation did seep out due to my inability to control my sexuality which is often intense. i thrive best on stimulation, danger, mystery, but i have learned to keep myself very controlled and under wraps since being in a seriously committed relationship and i do not allow myself to stray.

[in my past, i was wildly careless, impulsive, flirtatious and unrestrained.]

with him, i wanted to be perceived differently so i think i made him work harder and didn't give of myself so carelessly, so freely, so easily. i wasn't going to let anything be easy this time. i think part of that was anger towards the men before him who had ruined, damaged, destroyed everything inside of me. that's why at a certain point, i pushed jimmy away and said i needed space and i avoided him literally for three months.

he must have given up. and out of the blue one december day right before christmas was to roll around, i suddenly woke up with realizations and regret. i suddenly knew what i wanted and that was a chance with him. i suddenly realized i'd been blind as to what was right in front of my eyes and i'd been insensitive.

i wish i could explain all the ways in which he tried to 'be there ' for me, cheer me up, wanting to take away my pain, make me happy, and continually asking to take me out, cook for me, take care of me but i had declined the one who was generous and kind out of stubbornness and distrust/mistrust in men, anger, bitterness and jadedness.

it was months before i realized my mistake.

it was lucky i was able to reconnect and he was able to look past my neglect, disdain, mis-sight in things. i did explain to the fullest the whys of my reaction and action towards him and apologized profusely. i feel in ways i really did hurt him with my rejections at his advances. and i mean numerous rejections. i felt horrible over that for a long time. i wasn't the honorable person i so prided myself in - at the start of us forming a potential 'relation-ship' although neither of us knew if we wanted romance or not.

the only thing obvious was that we were both looking for someone to love and to be loved, deep down and with jimmy, it was also the allure of challenge, the feeling that comes after resistance, the build up of tension that creates suspense and in ways, excitement.

when you fight something sometimes it seems like maybe it was really yourself you were fighting against. and it builds real suspense, and arousal in ways. the tension creates the need for release which results in sexual tension and then, afterwards there's always that immense rushing feeling of giving in, but not in a bad way, in a way that feels almost orgasmic like some heavenly release. like, you've opened your heart to something, someone new. that feeling of opening, and finding- surprising yourself, doing something you thought you'd never do, going outside of yourself, going deeper- that in itself is the highest of highs -

sometimes the best aphrodisiac are my memories- hands down!

i can't quite explain the exhiliration i felt when this all occurred and the nite we first met. lets just say we did click in every way and it was electric.

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/11988325643/standalone

How I wish you could see the potential,

The potential of you and me

It's like a book elegantly bound,

But in a language that you can't read just yet

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

There are days when outside your window,

I see my reflection as I slowly pass

And I long for this mirrored perspective,

when we'll be lovers, lovers at last

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

You reject my advances and desperate pleas

I won't let you, let me down so easily, so easily

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

-Death Cab For Cutie

h a u n t o l o g y

on the joy divison 2007 documentary directed by grant gee

some notes i took on the music technology of joy division and indepth analyzation via interview on the categorization of their music, sound, philosophy- a particular genre and time period very specific in music- which i find fascinating and very much a style which i find myself drawn to - time and time again.

Derrida [french philosopher]

Joy Division- seemed of spectral quality / dead but alive, something that's there and yet its not there.

"Hauntology" - different take of post-modernism, and symbolic of technology- that "it has turned us all into ghosts"

The Persistence of Past in the Present

Ghosts

Joy Division--- haunted by themselves.

*in some sense, a belief that- or philosophy that recording media is turning into dateable object and killing you [us].

small article on above documentary- what to expect from it:

Joy Division: A Film by Grant Gee

Iann Robinson takes a look at the Joy Division documentary.

CraveOnline

June 30, 2008

Joy Division has become much more than a band in the nearly three decades since singer Ian Curtis killed himself. Perhaps it’s due to the rebellious romanticism attached to Curtis taking his own life just days before the band was to hit America and “make it big.” It could be the almost otherworldly air that Curtis had with his stage presence, voice and lyrics. It might just be that Joy Division wrote damn good songs. Whatever it is, Joy Division has been lifted from a group of guys to an idea, a myth, and an institution. Though the remaining members went on to form New Order, one of the most influential pop bands in the world, it is still Joy Division that the world dotes on.

Since having achieved this mythical stature, it becomes hard to remember that Joy Division were simply four guys from Manchester England who had incredible chemistry together. Part of what makes this new documentary from The Miriam Collection titled simply “Joy Division” so wonderful is that it humanizes the band again.

This is a very even handed documentary that has successfully removed any hero-worship and instead focuses on the actual story of Joy Division, breaking down the whole into four separate parts or members. Of course the ghost of Ian Curtis weighs heavy on the film but it doesn’t consume it. None of the participants is maudlin or morose; in fact they seem to be celebrating the joy of the times they were in and their shared creativity as opposed to trying to pontificate on why the genius of Ian Curtis finally consumed him.

Director Grant Gee has no problem letting the film unfold slowly, giving it room to breathe and create an atmosphere that rivals Joy Division’s music. First Gee sets the scene with Manchester in the seventies, the sound, and the clubs, how the music brought some life back into it. From there we learn the origins of Joy Division through stories from surviving members Bernard Sumner, Peter Hook and Stephen Morris. The best part is that the stories aren’t these brooding melancholy gothic overtures but rather simple stories about four guys hanging out and trying to make original music.

It’s so cool to hear snippets of the more straight punk sounding work they did under their original name of Warsaw and to hear the band joke about how bad those songs were. The three surviving members are really interesting to watch, especially the odd split in their attitudes towards life. Sumner is serious and contemplative, Hook is boisterous and funny while Morris is an even-handed combination of his two peers. The combination of those personalities makes the telling of the band’s history so fascinating you can’t help but stay riveted through the entire thing.

Helping to round out this story are interviews with Tony Wilson (creator of Factory Records) as well as album cover designer Peter Saville, Joy Division biographer Paul Morley and a long overdue interview with Ian Curtis’s girlfriend Annik Honore. Conspicuously missing from this film is Deborah Curtis, Ian’s estranged wife though her presence is well represented through quotes layered throughout the movie. Gee has managed to tie in all the aspects of the band’s short existence from their music, to Curtis’s battle with epilepsy, and all the other triumphs and tragedies that made the band what it was. The film goes from funny to poignant when it needs to and never seems forced or heavy handed. Nobody involved in this movie is out to exploit the death of Ian Curtis, nor further the mythical image of Joy Division, if anything this film was made to break all of that down and destroy it.

Acting as the backdrop for this tale is the actual imagery of the film, which is beautiful and seamless. Gee doesn’t just splice together the various scenes, he weaves them together into a beautiful tapestry. It’s obvious that this movie was made by and for people who love Joy Division and for those of us who understand that their importance comes from who they were not from what people have made them out to be. Joy Division is clearly going to become the definitive look back at one of the greatest bands in the history of music.

---

joy divsion's name was created and derived from a book and has its roots in german history. it was actually a term for the german brothel's. in the over 20 yrs i had known them, this was foreign and strange to me if not slightly disturbing, as the context of the name seems largely misogynistic but i do not know if there was really any relevance behind the name and their philosophy of music. probably not. this name was also not their first name. prior to being joy divison, they were for a short time, the stiff kittens and then warsaw.

further information of above off website:

The name change to Joy Division in 1977 [because a punk band called 'Warsaw Pakt' existed already] was inspired by the World War II novel, Karol Cetinsky's "The House of Dolls". [In her book, the term "joy division" is used as slang for concentration camps where female inmates were forced to prostitute themselves for the Nazi soldiers].



The Joy Division was the corps of young women kept in the camp for the pleasure of Nazi officers on leave. Partly due to the name, Joy Division (and later New Order) often had problems with Nazi accusations spreading around in the press. These both puzzled and angered the band, and they did not wish to dignify them with a reply. Far from containing Nazi propaganda, their lyrics preach quite the contrary message. Many other punk bands used much more direct Nazi symbolism with much less press comment.

---

this documentary and the other bio-pic film "control" have truly put me in a very nostalgic state of my mind but then again i am always going back to the past so i guess it doesn't really take much.

whatever the case, anton corbijn's film about ian curtis heading joy division titled control was simply amazing, and the best replication of the band's story and history that i have ever seen have .

the british actor sam riley who portrayed the lead singer - ian curtis - of joy division did a tremendous job and was a worthy tribute to such a monumental band who represents an era of music i am particularly enamored with. he would have made ian proud, i think. i believe the actors in this film sang all the songs - it sounded and looked just like joy division. samantha morton, a great british actress known for independent film roles co-starred as well.

we loved 'control' so much we bought the control DVD for our collection last month at best buy.

below is a review i cut out from my fashion mag last year, scanned from my computer and uploaded on the net:

one of my most cherished mementos.

here is an example of something my brother did when we were in highschool, prob in his class. he used to always doodle and it was something i found years ago left in my parents home when he moved out, so i made sure to take it with me and its always been in my sentimental collection of those days. i always loved my brother's creative doodlings and especially how he linked it to cool music that we were both into. allister and i were really close in highschool and were very much into the same style, music and film. this is one wonderful example of our connection.

i've always looked up to allister, wanted to be more like him, admired his artistic and creative ways and was inspired by him. he lives in san francisco and right now he is in tokyo, japan for the very first time on vacation and i envy him that. what a cool place to be esp anyone inspired by japanese art, culture, and style. he is a graphic artist by the way and a gifted photographer :)

here is a sample of his work which ironically relates to that song 100 years by the cure that makes me so emotional - this is very sentimental and i share it because it is one of my most treasured and cherished mementos. he'd probably be embarrassed if i were writing so much hype on this and his artistic talents and sharing this because he is modest. and i don't even know if he knows i kept this piece of his and have always loved it.

here it is- i know he is my brother but i still think it is way cool and shows just how artistic/creative my brother is. i'd love to be more like him! :)



ps sorry it is yellowed because it has aged. this must be from back in 1988 or 1989. i tried to preserve it best as i could and its in a sheet protector right now. i love stuff like this. my memories are everything to me and yes, i am extremely sentimental so excuse me for being so mushy :))))