contrast + compare.

reminiscing, i found this past entry from my birthday on november 1st of 2006-- it ties to my recent previous entry on the gifts i am giving alexcia on saturday for her 7th birthday as that was the first time I saw Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas and since I am nearly a Halloween baby LOL-

Since, I am nearly a Halloween baby [born day after] LOL- i found it a perfect way to spend my birthday back in 2006. my fiance took me to watch the special release for the holiday season in 3D at a really big theater in a hip area in st. pete.

you can see what i mean by the pictures below. i've just copied the past entry in order to share this memory with current faves. :) some of these are my most favorite pix of myself from that year!

this is how i used to be and look, prior to moving in with my fiance. [that's why i get depressed over the way i look as of late!]

i was a lot thinner there by ten pounds. 10 sounds tiny but on my body, its been huge + horrible. once i tackle all this wedding stuff and get situated in life, emotions sorted, treated- i intend to overcome this and conquer it. just from being sick recently, i unknowingly LOST some weight. its the lowest ive weighed in a few yrs so i was pretty shocked. im sure it has to do with cutting out coke, and drinking small servings of gingerale, water or gatorade in exchange. as well as barely eating due to pain and disinterest in food.

i am still sick as i've been all week in that i have been crampy, nauseaus, weak, feverish, coldsweat, migraines, upset stomach and all that but also just got my period so i've found a new pain to battle, the cramps have been horrible.

midol isn't even working. i still can't believe i could lose weight while i've got my period and am bloated. it always puts on a few pounds extra. i guess i really have been sick. :(

i just still can't believe that i am down to 101 pounds.

i weighed 107 in july or august.

because of being sick and also having alexcia's birthday to celebrate tomorrow- everyone felt it best i cancel my bridal gown alteration appt because my stomach is tender, sore, bloated, i have my period + my weight is uncertain now. it would have been my first fitting but it's way too overwhelming and stressful after what i've been thru this week and i am so drained from being sick that i can't emotionally handle a whole lot.

we've rescheduled for next wkend. i will be off my period by then and hopefully i will have recovered from this sickness so i can be strong enough to tackle what i need to do for my wedding. sigh.

anyway back to sharing this past memory..

i loved how these came out and it makes me wistful to be like this again.. but it's been impossible ..i am hoping i can get back to this, in the near future. i had a lot of confidence back then and this was only 2 yrs ago. i've really become so burned out lately.

anyway, i DID have so much fun posing for these..i hope i can experience that one day again :)

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Pictures From my birthday this evening with Jimmy- he took me to Bay Walk in downtown St. Pete and we had dinner at a nice place called- Too Jay's. He had a chicken salad sandwich while I had a salmon fillet entree with roasted potatoes and asparagus. It was pretty good.

Afterwards, he thought he'd take me to a movie that was specially being offered there and not by him and a favorite one of his from the past- (I had never seen it but liked it and thought it was cute) Tim Burton's The Nightmare before Christmas in 3-D film.

After, we took a few pix around bay walk and then by venoi park in st. pete, here are the pix from that nite!

Oh, he also gave me a very sweet and touching beautiful I love you card for my birthday and he wrote how much I mean to him, how happy he is to have me and how proud of me he is with the progress I've made in the past yr and that he will continue to be here to help me in the next yr and then wrote how lucky he is to have a beautiful, brilliant, caring and loving person like me and that he couldn't ask for more. I didn't open it til he had dropped me home and I was alone so it was very touching to my heart as I wasn't expecting it. (he has been expressing love to me since the beginning of october after we had an important talk but this was the first time he ever gave me a love card or anything so romantic and associated with love so it makes me very happy!)

He did give me my birthday present a week early (gucci - rush perfume) and is taking me to two concerts and included that as part of my bday gifts (the cult this friday and on tues, the twilight singers) and I think he wish he could've given more but I was very happy with what he gave me and most importantly that I got to spend any amount of time with him on my birthday. It was very sweet, nice and romantic. Anyway I just wanted to share my day and share some pictures below.

(i color fixed most of the pix, some of them I will include the original with the closer cropped version afterwards, and certain ones if they were sharp and vibrant enough- I also converted to black and white. They came out really beautifully! Enjoy :))

see below! (this was before we lived together and in our first year of dating, by the way :))

Before Jimmy picked me up with alexcia:

Then, off we went to see the special 3D version of 'the nightmare before christmas' at a theater by the pier in downtown st. pete:

+the end+

alexcia in action.

end of august, alexcia playing ball with jimmy [who is not pictured- the guy in the background who is dark is my brother, alexcia's father. this is their place in clearwater.]













she has loved spongebob ever since a little baby- even when she couldn't walk yet and was still crawling. when she lived with me and my parents- i spent a lot of time watching her fave cartoons with her to bond and be with her, and i find these memories are some of my fondest ones. never really watched cartoons til she was born [i mean aside from when i was a child and growing up] so from her i learned new appreciation for cartoons and realized how in ways there is a lot of quirky humor in kid's cartoons that i really 'get' and think very amusing and also that some have real deep meanings behind them with moving stories and often lessons behind it. in ways i think these cartoons can appeal to adults- some seem to be dually for kids and their parents. i really liked that. spongebob was my fave for a long time and when i visit alexcia, if its on, we usually watch it together. i still find it pretty funny and enjoyable. :)

upcoming weekend + randomness in pictures.

Stay tuned for following entries to be more catch-up related entries.

I am planning to do a series of pictorial entries based on our July two day trip to Sarasota. We got some really pretty pix, some cool ones and I've been really eager to share this with everyone ever since we got back from that trip but life has been so crazy and non-stop that I just haven't had the time til now.

I'll try to post and share the Sarasota trip in segments but it will be either tonite or later in the weekend that I start on that. I only have about an hour left to write in here before Jimmy gets home and our wkend begins so I have to be quick...

By the way, it is gonna be a busy weekend again. We head out to Jimmy's parents in Inverness tomorrow to see them and his dad for his birthday. JOY!

I hope I will not have to hear her [his mother's] incessant harping and criticizing otherwise I might burst.

I really mean it- she sometimes has a way of pushing me that makes me feel I might explode on her and in front of everyone there. It has gotten close in the past and I try to keep my cool but I am always on the edge of losing it. I admit.

Nothing grates on my nerves more than someone harping and telling someone how they should run their lives and making that person feel small and tiny and worthless. It fucking PISSES me off.

I also do not enjoy it over there since the tvs are always on in the living room, huge surround sound one and outside by the pool. I feel they are at times dominated by TV and have nothing better to do. they arent interested in other things, interactive things, games, reading, talking, doing other things besides tv.

The worst part of it is the tv is always turned on to ESPN sport channels and nothing else and I am stuck watching or ignoring something on the screen that bores me to tears, makes me wish I could go home, and I don't find it relaxing, fun or exciting. I don't get it and its impossible to read with a loud hoot and hollering crowded game going on. I just cant so often I will nap or sleep while they spend hrs watching.

He has remarked sarcastically that I always sleep when I'm there well its cos we are there for one or two days and I am stuck bored out of my mind because the only thing they do is watch tv and watch the thing i hate and am bored by the most in the world, sports.

If anyone was forced to watch tv the entire time they were visiting someone and could only watch a channel or show that bored them or they hated, I think they would give in to sleeping to escape as well. It's just logical natural human reaction. I don't look forward to visiting his parents because there's very little to find excitement over. Maybe if we actually watched movies or things I liked my attitude would change but everything revolves around what the father wants and the mother caters to it all. thats why I get frustrated at times with Jimmy.

I sometimes feel he expects me to be like his mother, voiceless, unassertive, does only what father likes, forgets about her own ideals/likes/wants - puts husband over herself, has no self identity. I absolutely REFUSE to be that sort of woman. Most of our fights are really about my fear of being oppressed as a woman. I am feisty yes, but I am feisty because growing up I had to be.

I hope our time at Jimmy's parents goes fast without incident. He hasn't stated if we are spending the nite. Often he likes to do that if possible and I absolutely hate it, hate being in someone elses place with someone elses things and someone elses rules. I am not comfortable, can never sleep or feel relaxed. I hate it. They only live an hour and a half away , driving so there isn't any reason why we need to spend the nite other than Jimmy is very close to his family and also his parents nag him when he is not spending the nite and make him feel guilty. yes they are controlling in my eyes but he'd probably say that this means they are loving. I kind of see it differently but I don't say a word.

Oh and some very RANDOM pix before I end this one!

Some pix of my cutie kitty noelle in my closet in the office room :D

..and Jimmy bought these funny snacks over at Walgreens last weekend. I found them really hilarious and amusing so I took a few pix of them to share with everyone :D

And...Jimmy taking a load off on our futon couch last weekend.



I mainly took this picture to show off our new futon cover which I love - the softness, and color/pattern- it fits so perfectly with a lot of the colors we already have in our place..its brown/champagne yellow/bluegreen/ sage green shades in stripes. we got this cover on sale and with ten dollars off at Bed, Bath and Beyond last month. I find it so so cute :D

More Misc. Random Pix:




Really happy and excited to get these stackable bins in one of my fave colors in clear plastic at Target on sale last weekend. the top was so cute and was meant for a dorm, stackable plastic little bins that looks like a makeup kit when its all put together.

I like to compartmentalize everything I have and enjoy organizing and obsessively reorganizing things in general [kinda ocd but not really, jsut relaxes me. I know I'm strange] and thought this was so cool for when we do go on little trips like visiting jimmy's parents and I need my beauty products and shower stuff with me- perfect for travel and it was only 5.99.

The other two storage I plan to use for my sentimental journals, mementos and to put away clothing im not wearing right now in my closet to make more space. I love anything that promotes space saving. im always looking for new and innovative space saving furniture everytime we visit target or bed bath and beyond.





I LOVE my new converse manilla colored canvas tote bag which I bought last weekend. That was my impulsive buy of the month for 19.99. I think its so cute and cool looking and quite different than anything I own currently- that is why I wanted it plus perfect for the pool, beach, traveling, and the list goes on.

I love bags that can be used in many versatile ways and are practical enough to be used in many different life situations! Plus I gravitate towards the brands and styles related to surf and skateboarders alike! Love other brands like roxy, billabong, + the like! :)

I most love the snaps on the bag with outer pockets and also the star symbol log on the snaps itself. If anyone hasn't guessed, very into fashion and design.

One of Jimmy and I's most favorite shows we watch every single week is Project Runway. Ive been a fashion junkie since a teenager and collect fashion mags and have files of stuff and binders of favorite fashion photography from the past 10 or so years.

In highschool, and early college, I was gravitating towards going into the career of Fashion Merchandizing and being a Fashion Buyer but due to antisocial personality and lack of business sense, that dream was quickly diverted into psychology and then into writing. All there are still strong interests and desires and talents of mine.

I still am fascinated most by fashion illustration, fashion editing and fashion photography. It'd be my dream to delve into any of those subjects. I'd love to put together a magazine. that may even dabble into graphic design but I feel technically- I suck and without a photo or graphic design degree- it is nothing more than a mere dream.

My brother allister in cali is a graphic designer and also has a dual degree in photography and is an artistic gifted person. I always wish I were more like him. I think he takes amazing pix and he just shared with us the other day all his pix and videos from his trip to Japan, it was both interesting and entertaining and the architecure design and detail of the buildings was exquisitely beautiful in craftmanship and design.

I think both Jimmy and I dream of going there one day, Jimmy even more so who is a big sushi lover [ps I hate sushi, it makes me want to vomit LOL but i am interested in japan for its beautiful visuals, technology, and artistic buildings and architecture. the food, unless cooked, i have minor interest in LOL]

+++

New Journals I bought mostly from Borders last month and elsewhere [ps Im a journal junkie too, I collect and use them for various projects, words, thoughts, feelings and things of inspiration. Ive been this way ever since a child. I am and have always been truly a writer and recorder of memories, experiences, and influences all around me in pop culture, media, fashion, film, music/songs/lyrics and literature/symbolism/metaphors and dreams- whatever is going on at that time can always be found in my personal at home journals. I am one of those nostalgic people that is very attached to everything I experience and thrives on remembering past and present- often. especially past. whether good or bad. I thrive on feelings and memories. Its what keeps me and brings me truly ALIVE.



a borders journal above i found on clearance at borders in july. its spacey and out of this world, so it appealed to me :D


Some pages from my new notebook which I've designated for my scrapbooking project of styles I love in terms of haircuts, color, and makeup/beauty as well as fashion. i just began creating this last week.


below is the first page of the section for haircuts i love for myself, the second one after this is of a makeup style that i tend to be drawn towards. i like the sultry smokey eyed look with natural or mauve colored toned down lips. that is what i am gravitating towards for my wedding day. its an evening look that i think is very flattering on my coloring and representative of my personal style when i am made up. i most prefer the black eyeliner cat-eye or french lined look whether natural or made-up.i also am inclined towards the gothic cleopatra style black lined eyes with a lot of black mascara. i love dramatic looks!




In the past ive always had my hair in bob cut styles that angle towards the chin, and they flattered my facial features and shape. however now that ive gained weight, i dont think i could pull it off. ive had long hair for several years and most of my life have oscillated b/t short cuts like above and my long sorta natural wavy styled hair. most of the time i have it up in a scrunchie mainly for convenience and because its always hot here weather wise. But lately because I think I look fat if my hair is down. I feel it overemphasizes how round and heavy my face really is now that ive put on pounds and feel very unconfident to wear it down nowadays. my hair is pretty close to as long as it was in previous entry but not quite. If i don't cut it til the wedding, it would prob be as long as the 2006 picture i posted last nite if not longer than that. i think i will trim it up an inch or maybe a few inches prior to the wedding though!





Other Journals I got:






[the end--- for now!!]