issues + power struggles

I wrote this to my fiance because I am at times triggered by the fact that he often doesn't appreciate the emails I send to share my thoughts/ feelings with him and he doesnt really email me much at all when at work. Its foreign to me and Ive never known anything like this. It also makes me very unhappy that he has little interest in emailing me, sharing or replying to what i do take time and effort to share. It irritates me and upsets me.

J. doesn't share much and I've had to pull everything out of him that Ive gotten in the past. he never tells me about his day or his friendships at work, he never volunteers anything with me and I always have to hint or ask him straight out. I hate that.

It makes it seem like he doesn't want to share anything with me and I feel resentful. He says that he just doesn't share cos he feels its work and its unimportant but I disagree. Sharing makes me feel closer whether its trivial or deep, and we are sharing a life together.

I had a PAST relationship and a marriage that encompassed constant sharing, there was not one thing we couldnt tell one another and it made me absolutely the happiest most secure person in the world and it is HOW ALL relationships should be. It is what I want. I cannot live with someone who cannot give me this.

I love my fiance but this is a big problem to me and it is an ISSUE that has to be fixed or I will grow bitter towards him and it will push me away and the marriage will be doomed.

I need someone who lets me inside and communicates. he has major trouble with both of these and often shuts me out esp when I most need empathy, care, soothing, consolation.

I have to SCREAM, cry and get upset for him to even give nuturance that I want.

I am very needy. and he is very emotionally distant at times. He never discusses the relationship, how he feels or what he thinks. It bothers me and drives me insane most of the time.

I do not like it and I want it to change.

I wrote the below email to him yesterday when I found he still had not read something I sent a week ago to share something I wrote in this diary, that was important to me. I was extremely hurt.

I often feel I am not a priority or important to him. I feel worthless that he doesn't read what I write when I send it and furious that I have to fking remind him to read what i sent a long time ago by forwarding the same email I had already sent him and asking him everyday did he read it yet.

He always says oh no, i forgot or i am too busy YET he has time to do other things which I feel should NOT be a higher priority than me. his reply to me in this email made me blow up and cry for an HOUR or more hysterically last nite.

J. basically replied how he always does wthout apology, without any remorse, without acknowledging that I feel hurt, without empathy, without saying he will try, without admitting he should try and that he wants to try becos he loves me enough he wants me to be happy. He is great at saying nothing and the more I want him to comfort me and console me when upset, the more he ignores me walks away or acts like I do not exist. There is nothing that makes me angrier and that is the quickest way to get me to fking HATE you.

J. didn't say anything and I asked aren't u going to say something to what I wrote to you?!!!

[This is how it is anytime I tell him how I feel + what I want from him in the relat. he says absol nothing and I feel enraged]

So then he replies with: "I don't know what you want me to say. "

I say, " You Have Got To Be Fking kidding me!!! You don't know what to say?!?!?! Are you fking for real???

And after all this, ALL he could say which made me more hurt and even angrier, was this fking pathetic answer:

"Well the baseball game thing was time sensitive so I had time for that."

SO, in other words, my words and what I share are not significant. F**king NICE. He eventually came in the bedroom and told me he loved me but he is always so emotionally vacant when I cry and hurt, and he acts the opposite of what you think someone who loves someone would act WOULD. He is always stiff like he is uncomfortable.

I do NOT get IT or HIM. It is just beyond my comprehension. I got over IT but it is an issue and he didn't really say anything of validity to make me convinced he gets ME and gets that this needs to be fixed if he wants US to work out.

I wrote him this:

Hi sweetie, thanks. it's just that I notice even when busy, you don't avoid reading/ or replying to any of your male friends who write you. I notice you read and replied right away to bryan when it had to do with baseball, that you do read/ and write back to any of your friends in general or your bros if they email you. I would like to be treated with the same type of loyalty and excitement, effort that you give to them.

Maybe if you did w/b and make me feel that you cared about the things I sent by replying with a single word reply or one sentence to know that you even read it, I would not send so many emails in a day to you. The more I feel I don't get attention , the more I act out by desperately seeking your attention.

If I continue to feel ignored, I will just send more and more and eventually I will get very angry because I begin to resent that I am not noticed, appreciated, or given attention to. If I feel invisible that means I feel like I am worth nothing and the amount of confliction/pain I feel over this "rejection" is tremendous.

My anger is created out of pent up feelings of rejection and it is tied to past abuse. Whether you want to believe it or not, the past is always a result of how someone reacts, feels, and views things in the future. If you have not suffered abuse, you will NEVER understand. The damage is forever but if you don't realize the way I am affected/effected or start seeing the things that do upset me and start changing those things- you will continue to make me feel hurt. If you love me, you will wake up and notice these things and do what it takes to exert effort to show you care what I have to say when I share it with you.

The TINY amount of effort you could make takes NOTHING to do and I don't care how busy you are. If you have time to write your friend about baseball and find tix and world series times to find a way to go, then you SURELY DO have adequate time to read my measley small email that I only shared to be close to you and share a part of my world in diary writing and what I share with people who are my friends outside of YOU.

I sent my thoughts WAY before the day B. wrote you and you searched for baseball tix but being busy did NOT stop you from taking time/effort to read, write, and find out stuff for him + for yourself. That probably took MORE time to do than reading and writing one sentence back to my email would have. That proves to me that IF something or someONE is important enough to you, then You WILL find the time. If I were top priority, the same would be true but I am not a sport or baseball so I do not come first. That is just how I see it, no offense.

Just sharing my frustration of feelings. It is not my intention to make you feel small or hurt you or yell at you or make you feel stupid. My intention is to get you to see that it really hurts when you don't acknowledge things I share or make any effort to tell me you read it and what you thought or show some way that you care that I sent you some part of myself. It hurts me that you don't and I have asked you over and over again to please make an effort and told you how it makes me hurt, cry and sad.

I want to get my point Across on this because if I don't, I am going to get more and more bitter and resentful becos inside I feel very rejected by you a lot of the time and you are not doing much to change it.

I also feel my feelings on this are justified and I have never had a relat. with someone who had a problem that I lived with or dated, emailing me or emailing me back to every email I wrote them and making me feel like I was the MOST important and the CENTER of their world. That tells me a lot.

Anyone can make the effort and will when they truly want to show the person in their life that they love them and it really isn't any effort to make when you truly are devoted to the person you love. That is what I give to you and what I want to get back. It is what I deserve and it is absolutely nothing I should feel guilty about, because it takes nothing out of any man who is marrying the woman he loves and is asking her to be his wife. These are things that should come easy and is part of the role of what you give to your wife.

If you are not able to give this, you aren't going to be able to handle being married. that is the honest truth. I hope you think about what I have said and realize that I do love you that is why I am trying to 'fix' this cos it is a problem , a big problem in the relationship.

Lack of sharing and communication will not work for me- things will not last if you cannot learn to give more than you do, verbally and emotionally. I am not asking for anything that is impossible or that is not a "given" in ALL marriages not to mention general committed relationships that do not even include marriage yet. Please consider all this.

I love you,
April

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Ironically I then received this random email from emotionalhealth.com and the topic was on the top ten secrets to a happy and lasting coupleship/marriage. I found it fking hilarious and also redeeming to see everything I had stated and emphasized to him about healthy happy relationships and what he NEEDS to do and work on, was in this email by a REAL therapist. I could not wait to show how this article supported every thing I had tried to get him to see but he wouldn't listen to me. So I couldn't resist to send it. I wasn't trying to rub it in his face but he constantly makes me feel like I have to PROVE what I say is TRUE, valid, credible and REAL in order to get him to believe in what I say. I wonder why I have self esteem and confidence issues. It's because I always sense by the way he reacts to my emotionality that he doesnt support what I think or feel my view is rational or real.

I always feel he is doubtful of me or accuses me of exaggerating. I always feel like I have to prove myself. it would be nice if someone loved me enough to believe in and actually have faith in me and see me as a competent person. I have screamed at him over this several times in the past yr.

Yes, it has been a very stressful yr in our relationship becos he is so unaware of what it takes to have a healthy relat. and he is SO resistant when it comes to change, compromise or giving validation - he especially does NOTHING to really help me cope with my mental illness nor does he have any interest in reading on it. It discourages and pisses me off.

He says he supports me but doesn't need to read about my bipolar disorder. I think people like this are ignorant and lazy. He just doesnt want to put any effort forth. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would do everything I could for him. Because that is what love is. His attitude also reflects what his parents think that people who say they are depressed are just lazy and it doesn't really exist. I truly hate ignorant people.

So I sent him the note below along with article!

Hi sweetie,
The majority of this list covers ALL the things I have been trying to tell you for a long time and what I keep emphasizing everytime I am upset or have an issue with our relationship. All the things I have tried to make a point to get you to understand are covered in here. These simple ideas are in line with what I have said to you all along and have asked for. They support everything I tried to get you to see earlier tonite when I was upset, but that you seemed to resist against and not understand that they are indeed required in any lasting or growing relationship and most definitely in marriage.

If this doesn't make you see how important what I say is, I don't know what will but this was written by a licensed marriage therapist and I think this will prove to you that I know what I am talking about when it comes to successful loving relationships and what is necessary if you want to last.

I believe it is important that we always work on our relationship just like this says and it is one of my strongest beliefs in life. I think it is important to care about the relationship you have with your partner and I think that taking care of the relationship shows how MUCH you are invested in the person you love and in what the two of you share together. When you are invested in something, you do whatever it takes to make it work because you value that thing or person.

This article is short and covers ten main points. It should make all the things I have said to you over and over, valid. I think this will also make you realize that what I have asked for is realistic and it does need to be worked on and not ignored or swept under the rug until the next argument.

I hope you will now take seriously what I have said when you see that these things are most certainly required for our relationship or any marriage to succeed. Please take the time to read this. Thanks.

Love, April

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The 10 Secrets of Happy Couples

By Maud Purcell, LCSW, CEAP

December 10, 2006

They might be 30, or 75. They come in all colors, shapes, sizes and income brackets. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been together. Whatever the demographics, when you see a happy couple, you just know it!

How do these couples stay in love, in good times and in bad? Fortunately, the answer isn’t through luck or chance. As a result of hard work and commitment, they figure out the importance of the following relationship “musts.” Because few couples know about all of the musts, I think of them as the relationship “secrets.”

Happy Couples and Their Secrets

1. Develop a realistic view of committed relationships.

Recognize that the crazy infatuation you experienced when your romance was new won’t last. A deeper, richer relationship, and one that should still include romance, will replace it. A long-term relationship has ups and downs, and expecting it will be all sunny and roses all the time is unrealistic.

2. Work on the relationship.

An untended garden develops weeds that can ultimately kill even the heartiest plants. And so it is with relationships. It is important to address problems and misunderstandings immediately. Some people believe good relationships just happen naturally. The truth is that a good relationship, like anything you want to succeed in life, must be worked on and tended to on a regular basis. Neglect the relationship, and it will often go downhill.

3. Spend time together.

There is no substitute for shared quality time. When you make a point of being together, without kids, pets and other interruptions, you will form a bond that will get you through life’s rough spots. Time spent together should be doing a shared activity, not just watching television.

4. Make room for “separateness.”

Perhaps going against conventional wisdom, spending time apart is also an important component of a happy relationship. It is healthy to have some separate interests and activities and to come back to the relationship refreshed and ready to share your experiences. Missing your partner helps remind you how important he or she is to you.

5. Make the most of your differences.

Stop and think: What most attracted you to your partner at the beginning? I’ll almost guarantee that it was exactly the thing that drives you most insane today. Take a fresh look at these differences. Try to focus on their positive aspects and find an appreciation for those exact things that make the two of you different from one another. It’s likely that your differences balance one another out and make you a great team.

6. Don’t expect your partner to change; but at the same time give them more of what they want.

If both you and your partner stop trying to change each other, you will eliminate the source of most of your arguments. At the same time, each of you should focus on giving one another more of what you know the other person wants, even if it doesn’t come naturally. For instance, instead of complaining how your partner never cleans out the dishwasher, try just doing it yourself once in awhile without complaint. Your partner will likely notice your effort and make more of an effort themselves around the house. If you do both of these things at once you’ve got a winning plan!

7. Accept that some problems can’t be solved.

There may be issues upon which you cannot agree. Rather than expending wasted energy, agree to disagree, and attempt to compromise or to work around the issue. Two people cannot spend years together without having legitimate areas of disagreement. The test of a happy relationship is how they choose to work through such issues — through compromise, change, or finding it’s just not that important to stew over.

8. Communicate!

Lack of communication is the number one reason even good relationships fail. And here is a useful format for doing so, especially when dealing with incendiary topics: Listen to your partner’s position, without interrupting him or her. Just listen. When he or she is finished, summarize what you heard him or her say. If you can, empathize with your significant other even though you don’t agree. This will take your partner off of the defensive, and make it easier for them to hear your thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to argue when you use this format, and best of all, you may come up with an understanding or a solution.

9. Honesty is essential.

You may share with your partner the things he or she doesn’t want to hear. Better this than to have him or her doubt your honesty. Mistrust is one of the key deal breakers in relationships. And once trust is lost or broken, it can take a very long time to re-establish it in the relationship.The happiest couples are the ones where honesty is as natural and every day as breathing.

10. Respect your partner, and don’t take him or her for granted.

Treating your sweetheart with respect is likely to get you the same in return. And regularly reminding them how much they mean to you will enrich your relationship in indescribable ways. When you say, “I love you,” pause for a moment to really mean it. And don’t be afraid to express your feelings of appreciation with your partner — he or she will be thankful that you did.

Making these secrets an integral part of your relationship won’t be easy. In fact, your efforts may initially seem like planted seeds that never come up. If you maintain your efforts, however, you will likely reap what you sow.

What's Related

Loving in Flow

Historical Secrets to Happiness

Be My Valentine: An Exercise to Grow Your Relationship

Agreeing to Disagree: Overcoming Communication Conundrums in Relationships

5 Secrets to a Successful Long-Term Relationship or Marriage

Couples Can Communicate Without Anger

Couples and Marriage Counseling

Acknowledging and Accepting Your Mate

Other articles by Maud Purcell, LCSW, CEAP

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I was happy to get this reply from Jimmy this morning:

Hi, babe. I just wanted to quickly say that I read this and I agree that we have to work on these things. I acknowledge most of it will take a better effort on my part and I am committed to making our relationship stronger. I do appreciate you and am interested in the things you say and share, and I apologize for not expressing my feelings in a way that it would be more apparent to you. I love you very much!

I’m going to read your other message about the marriage license now, so if there’s anything I need to do with that today, I will. I hope you have a good day!

Love,

Jimmy

+++

I hope it all sinks in. I thanked him and told him I love him. I am sure he is frustrated with me or tired of me asking for more but I refuse not to tackle things that need to be fixed.

I want the best for our relationship and I won't remain quiet or allow myself to suffer/ be walked over or made to feel insignificant ever. I will stand up for myself always.


**Just a venting entry.

We are fine but we have issues like anyone else. This will indeed be NO NOTES. I do not need to get any notes that make me feel worse, cause me more stress, or make me more angry towards him. I do not need advice, I am already doing all I can. I just get tired of keeping it all inside + I have to vent thru writing otherwise I will go insane and the emotions will crush me.

I write entries like this very rarely becos I do not want my relationship with fiance dissected, picked apart, or put under a microscope.

owning a home does not equal self worth!!!

a quickie on the latest of things. jimmy is resigned i think if not crushed. karen wrote him back in regard to giving advice on the whole house hunting thing and if he should buy now or really wait.

she prefaced her email with " here is my advice although you may not really want to hear it"

i could not believe it but she said pretty much all that i've said to him, except with the professional terms used for real estate, business and financing/loans etc which i know little about. regardless of that fact, she pretty much emphasized and stressed what i had been trying to get him to see but he would not listen to me.

i did mention that a bit to him without rubbing it entirely in his face. i tried to be gentle. mainly i wanted him to see that i had said the same thing and he had not listened to me or given me any credit for what i had suggested. i kind of felt it vital he see that he had ignored what i had said solely because i had said it and he saw me as someone to fight, where as his own friend whom there is no tension or arguments with had just said the same thing as i.

i wanted him to be aware of the way he had shut me out and closed his ears to my thoughts/feelings, advice to him but that he did not treat others outside of our relationship that way. i think i made my point but i don't think he is aware why he did it. i think i am.

i think it's harder to separate yourself in a relationship especially when there is tension and stress going on b/t two people. it is easier to see or hear others advice when you are getting a point of view from outside of the relationship, however, i could tell that it was not a point of view he wanted to hear or swallow even if it was from sweet harmless Karen.

when he told me what she said, i could tell he didn't really want to accept it but the more we talked about it, the more he began to become resigned. he has a major hangup that his self worth, successfulness is tied to IF he can buy a home NOW. i feel its irrational and untrue. your self worth is not tied to buying something as superficial and material as a home.

sure it would be nice but if my self worth was tied to that, i'd want to kill myself because obviously i am on disability and have no kind of stability that even warrants me to be on my own, let alone to buy anything that big. i can't even work a normal job and haven't most of my life so like for me to survive, i cannot let my selfworth become tied to things like buying/owning homes and things beyond my means like that.

jimmy's mom for some reason has been calling more than ever now. almost everyday. and yes she asks him every time she calls, what's new, have we found a house to buy yet or when are we getting our house? she won't quit. his resolve to stand up to her has disappeared and faded completely as i suspected it would. she is like a broken record, its energy draining to try to change someone that has their own agenda and isnt ever going to change. she's stubborn and hard of hearing. i do not think she can change. she is bossy and controlling, critical, judgemental. its annoying but as long as i dont have to live with her or follow her rules, i am fine.

so anyway the other nite jimmy told his mother that we wouldnt be buying a home afterall and explained to her what karen had told him. she basically said if the bank disapproved you because your debt to ratio was too much, then it was wise that you not even get a home right now and that meant you really could not afford it and should wait, save money. she said it was not worth it to go with a lesser known bank for your mortgage and was very risky. she said you should only go with reputable well known banks for your financing and loan/mortgage etc.

[he had tried for a loan via the school he works for- his bank is via a teacher's credit union and this friend and her husband also go thru them and have gotten mortgage loans via them. that's why karen recommended he try suncoast]

She suggested what I had suggested quite a few times in the past few months but it fell on deaf ears when I bought it up while him and bitch real estate agent Yvette both looked at me like I was a dummy, and stated that was a waste of money when you could buy a place rather than throwing your money away to rent.

What they would not get was we are already throwing away our money in a shit hole and we don't know how long it will be til we can find a home we can afford to buy so while we are waiting it would NOT be wasting any money to rent a house rather than an apt.

Renting a house would give many of the benefits and features we were looking for in a home and get us out of an apt setting. But NO he would not hear of it and they reacted to me like my idea was just plain stupid and lacked common sense. So I shut up.

Funny how months down the road and at the final waking up point for Jimmy- someone outside of all this who has a trustworthy personality, and down to earth friendliness, no reason to guide him or steer him in the wrong direction- Karen- funny how she would point out something along the lines of what I had suggested to Jimmy more than once.

Karen suggested we try renting a home - possibly in st. pete- for a year to see how we like it in st. pete first of all and to also have time to save up to buy a home. She thought it the best advice she could offer. She also told Jimmy those FHA loans were not enough reason to buy a home right now or take such a risk without enough money saved for such a huge lifetime purchase.

[Btw, for those who dont know- FHA loan is a limited time loan given by the govt, for First Time Home Buyers, where the seller of the home will pay for 3 percent of the selling price of home and closing costs or something like that. They put money towards the home and the govt writes it off as a gift that goes to a charity organization or something like that. I think they did this because the housing market/foreclosure rate/and economy is so alarmingly horrible right now that they put that out there for incentive, to get people to buy while the housing market is down. I'm really bad at business oriented stuff like that so Ive explained it best I could. Based on all Ive heard from Jimmy, Yvette, and others inc. the news on business and economy related stuff in America.]

In any case, what Karen basically said to Jimmy in her letter about FHA was that if he was only buying because of FHA or that was his main incentive, then he shouldn't buy at all. It wasn't enough reason and worth it to make yourself poor. Also, she said if you don't have at least 10 percent [i am not sure of exact percentage but think its around that figure] to put down on the house and closing costs then you should not even be thinking of buying a home. It would be very unwise - in other words.

So when Jimmy told a summarized version to his mother the other nite, of what Karen had said, I could tell there were a bunch of dumbfounded WHY's and I could tell she wasn't buying it completely and was harping on him for not buying a home now, for not having one by now at his age of 37, for not measuring up. I do not know if she said those things to him or those exact words but I feel like that is what she makes Jimmy feel like- like he is behind from everyone his own age and everyone who is worth anything and that he is simply a failure without his own home. I'm sure she doesnt say those words to him or express herself that way but I can bet you that the sentences I've suggested above are ones she makes him feel like. I feel bad all around for him.

So, now Jimmy has switched to his next plan of action. We want to get out of this hellhole that has become very downhill ghetto and infested with bugs. We have tried spraying numerous times and we keep our place very clean. There is no reason why we should still have bugs but they won't go away and we think the entire building is corroded and if other tenants do not take care of their homes, than obviously they are going to keep inviting the bugs to nest and form more babies. We do want to get the fk out of here and both have come to loath our place here - mainly because of that fact and because the stairway and grounds around the place is disgusting and filthy- dirty, food on the ground. No one ever maintains the stairways, cleans the grounds or anything. I've never in my life lived in such a dirty place and I have lived places worst than this and cheaper than this so its the people who own it and the people they let live here. I cannot wait to get away from here! I have grown to despise it as much as Jimmy has. We make our own inside jokes to get thru it, of course.

So, we started looking at Craig's list. My only anxiety is I hope that he doesn't have the crazy idea of finding and renting a home before the wedding. Funny thing is I bet he does because it's his mother who keeps saying, wouldn't you like to have a place - a new place to come home to after your honeymoon and things such as- but where will u put all the wedding presents??? and on and on, things to make him stress over and worry about.

I think she is so OUT OF TOUCH and btw this is going to be a small wedding with a lot of distant relatives. I do not expect we will get many wedding presents let alone many big ones and his parents are frugal in gifting so I kind of feel like his mother is just creating unneccessary anxiety over things that aren't even relevant to our situation.

Anyway, so yes, we have begun looking at some homes in st. pete. We've glanced at some condos/townhomes also but I think he'd prefer to find a rental home before he'd opt for the townhome. I don't know ... it's all up in the air and Im sure we will delve more into looking at the want-ads in our price range [from 700 to 900 dollars a month, at very most 1000 which he said was a bit much for him but he could manage, he says. we pay under $800 right now but also pay for a storage unit which totals our rent and storage at around 850 a month.] Still, you aren't going to find a two bedroom/two full bathroom place as cheap as this apt anywhere. It is relatively cheap. That's why we opted to live here in the first place!

Anyway, these are some of the listings we were compelled to email to ourselves last nite and places we may go and visit in the near future, if he gets ahold of the person who ran the add that is.

Very nice!!!! 2 bed, 1&1/2 bath, St.Petersburg

Reply to: xxphongv@hotmail.com
Date: 2008-08-06, 11:18PM

$955/month, 1 and 1/2 month security deposit.

*Very nice 2 bedroom, 1 & 1/2 bath house on a big corner lot.

*Also,an add on room that can be used as office, extra bedroom, game room, etc.. *Couple recently relocated to NYC for work.

*Lot's of new updates, privacy fence, master bath (luxury), recess lighting, ceiling fans and more....

*Lawn Maintenance included

*Washer/Dryer

Pet's are ok!
call Vicky at 727-541-2578 ex 121 or visit us http/:www.allcountyprop.com

4300 at 4th ave north google map yahoo map

Original URL: http://tampa.craigslist.org/pnl/apa/786354944.html

Tyrone Area-In Quiet Desirable Neighborhood

Reply to: hous-786747908@craigslist.org

Date: 2008-08-07, 10:40AM


2 Bedroom/1 bath- Hardwood Floors in LR,DR,2BR. Ceramic Tile in Kitchen, Ceiling Fans, Modern Kitchen with breakfast bar, Dining room with door leading out to beutiful backyard living space, One car garage, washer/dryer hookups, CHA. Great Neighborhood (located behind Toys R Us).Must See.Call 727-481-1077. Available September 1st.

6372 at 17 Terrace North google map yahoo map

• Location: St. Petersburg


• Charming HOUSE- Huge backyard

Reply to: hous-787381907@craigslist.org

Date: 2008-08-07, 5:45PM

2 bedrooms plus a bonus room- Available NOW!

Lovely wood and ceramic floors, coved ceiling, spacious family room.

Corner lot backs up to a small creek. The backyard deck is truly unique. Giant oaks, tropical plants create a relaxing atmosphere! Just a few minutes to get to downtown or the beach, a short bike ride to the Pinellas Trail.

Cat OK with a non-refundable deposit. Small dog only (under 25lbs) Dogs will be approved on a case-by-case basis. Maximum of 2 pets are allowed.

Move-in costs:

First month rent: $950

Security deposit: $750

Pet deposit: $175 per approved pet, non-refundable

Last month rent: $950 (can be broken into 3 payments)

We run both credit report and nationwide criminal background checks on all adult applicants. 12 months lease only. Please email me for more information.

5162 2nd Ave N google map yahoo map

• Location: St. Petersburg
• 
  
  

validation- told you SO!!! time to wake up.

a picture I took of Jimmy before we were off to visit our friends Karen and Aaron and their new bundle of joy Eli!! :P

The visit with our friends Karen and Aaron confirmed everything I had expressed to Jimmy most recently in regard to the real estate agent whom I found unprofessional and incompetent and the stress of house hunting and so on...

All the things I had tried to say to Jimmy about Yvette not acting like a REAL real estate agent, I heard Karen and Aaron straight out saying. Even more surprising was that I even heard Jimmy admitting to them right in front of me how Yvette had not done a very good job and had been screwing him around!!! HOW FUNNY!! Can we say contradictive much????

Jimmy said to them a lot of what I have said to him a long time now but it was both redeeming and shocking to hear him say all I had said but overall I have to admit, I loved it and enjoyed knowing I had been right all along and he was too stubborn to admit that I was right.

This was redeeming because I've been fighting to get validation of my viewpoint from him from day one and shocking because WHY did he disagree and argue with me this entire time if he felt the exact same way?

It only proves that my intution in regard to him was completely right- his stubbornness and 'defensiveness' are all deeply related and tied to issues of insecurity, fear, an inferiority complex and complicated by parents who have overly high expectations that make him feel like he is not good enough and that NOT having a home equates failure and being low-class/worthless. He has not confessed these things to me but his reaction to things and some things he wrote me in an email when I confronted him last week confirm that for the most part, I was right.

Jimmy did not deny much of what I called him on and in fact agreed to tell his mother to stop asking him about our house hunting. I actually witnessed him tell her bluntly on the phone to quit asking just this past weekend and had the SHOCK of my life. Never in a million years did I think he would be so abrasive with her and it also surprised me he did it right in front of me as if he actually felt the same way as I did and was telling his mother to 'quit it' because he really all along thought the same way as I did but couldn't admit it outright ot himself or his mother (that she is a nag and controlling and its annoying)

I could hear her asking him why he wanted her to quit asking about houses and then hear him answering with, because he is sick and tired of being asked and he will let her know when something happens but didnt want to be asked every second and it was becoming downright irritating.

I was shocked. I have never heard him speak aggressively towards his mother and it seemed somewhat mean. I almost felt bad for her but I think with his mom you have to be bold like he was or she doesn't take it seriously or thinks its a joke OR just keeps nagging like you never said a word. I have to say people like that irritate the f**k out of me. I felt very touched that Jimmy actually did what he promised me and what we had fought over last week and also proud, that he stood up for himself with the person that I often think keeps him blocked most in life.

From my personal email to him last week, here is a piece of my email filled with my most honest thoughts/feelings directed towards him. This was somewhat expressed in my diary prior to me writing him, but may vary slightly from that blog entry in here. I did send him a revised, more gentle copy of what I wrote here in regard to my confliction/stress of house hunting and how he was being to OPEN his eyes.

I think sometimes when someone reads about themselves in 3rd person, that this can make them really see thru your eyes better than when you are expressing direct feelings. I felt like it impacted him in ways my more direct letters NEVER have.

I feel Jimmy is a successful person in many facets of his life and has wonderful potential for more success in his future however I feel that his parents high expectations/attitudes push him too hard and this truly blocks him and is a source of inner confliction and self-doubt. It makes me both sad and angry and also frustrated that I cannot do anything and I am helpless to make him see this without offending him.

I share the above excerpt because it is my belief that this is the part that most reached him, affected him, and possibly made him think about things and how his family truly is. I still think that this realization doesn't change his actions/reactions to things entirely. His brain is still hardwired to please, kiss up, and meet all high expectations of mother and father regardless of any rational realization. A pattern like that does not get erased or replace over night. He will always fall back to the original wired/trained thoughts because we always go back to what we know and what feels familiar and the truth is dysfunctional patterns take a life time of hard work to undo what has been done to a person.

I know it's unrealistic to think that everyone has the willpower to change these things. I think I do, but it will take forever. As for him, I think it is easier for him to resort to avoidance and defeatist patterns and its up to him to take accountability and responsibility for his life and actions. I can't do it for him. He has to do it for himself, otherwise it means nothing.

I don't expect him to change over nite but I believe in self awareness in the highest degree and feel it does not hurt that I teach him to be more aware of himself, his reactions to things in life and how patterns form based on upbringing and family, and that this is all VERY very relative to him and I- and determines how one relates to the loved one we choose to share a life with today!

So anyway, when we had our fight last week, I told him bluntly that he was not a child and needed to stop allowing his mother/parents treat him like a little boy. I told him he was an adult and if he didn't stand up for himself, they would continue to treat him as someone whom they think incapable of making adult decisions. I find it demeaning that they do not allow him to think and decide with his own mind at 37 yrs old- going on 38!

Unfortunately, I have noticed she has been calling him everyday since that convo and he even commented that it was weird she had been calling everyday [she normally calls every two to three days which I still feel is OVERKILL since they live in same state and we see them regularly- at times more than my own parents who are way closer than they are. they are over an hr and half away driving] I mean I don't call my own parents that much esp when they live in the same state and we can make time to see them physically! I sometimes feel there is a bit of a momma's boy factor going on and that is precisely the problem.

So I am a bit disappointed to say that after Jimmy reprimanded his mother for asking about house-hunting, that every convo they've had since then which I have witnessed, he has voluntarily talked about and shared his latest feelings on homes and plans, what we are looking at and so on. So, it is BACK to the same old dysfunctional pattern and I now realize that he is as much as part of the problem as she is. He is unable to refrain from sharing something that he knows she will put her piece of mind in and critique. It seems a perpetual pattern in their relationship, one that I doubt he is even aware of.

I've decided to keep quiet because I believe people who go back to previous patterns, go back because it feels comfortable and more safe than making a change. I understand that since I do this in many aspects of my life and even familial relationships, so I feel its the old saying that wins, choose your battles wisely..It's just not something any person can change over night. I don't think Jimmy can stop telling his mother things and I think if she senses any pull away, it only provokes her to insert herself in our lives more. It is almost counterproductive to try to stop it and pointless because she is bound to win.

So anyway, after all that. we went to St. Petersburg where our friends live about 40 mins away. [Note that St. Pete is near clearwater which is where i pretty much was raised all my life and where my parents live and i know clearwater like the back of my hand which is about 20 mins from st pete- i also spent some years in st pete as i went to jr college there years ago, dated and had friends there. its also where i had my first marriage and where i lived at that time. i know clearwater and st pete far better than tampa and i find it more friendly, feels like home, as opposed to a city like Tampa.]

Tampa, where we currently reside, is less than an hr away from both cities and bigger than both but in many ways Tampa is slummier, going downhill with pockets of ROUGH violent/ drug dealing neighborhoods. So, despite all its big city, nite club appearance that has its moments of cool--- I pretty much HATE Tampa at this point and am sick of having to drive by endless exotic dancer and strip clubs. There is absolutely nothing I hate more than topless and full nude lowclass stripclubs. We have an abundance of both. I want to live around an area that doesnt make me feel so angry, disappointed in society and sick/dirty, ashamed to be a woman. That's why st. pete is beginning to appeal more and more...we've got some friends over there and one of the pair of them [they are married]....

Karen studied in real estate back in 2006 but just before she went to take her test to get her license, she had so much going on as she had a full time job as well and decided to drop out due to inability to handle the stress/ However, both Karen's father and sister are in the real estate business and its also how they got their house with her dad's expertise and help.

[BTW, HGtv is our new fave channel for their wealth of home hunting shows esp house hunters and international househunters- our only complaint is: show some real people , the average american couple that struggles to buy a home as all of these couples are YOUNGER than us and are either rich , well off or have some form of parental help because their budget is like anywhere from 400,000 to 900,000 which is unreal to both Jimmy and I. Jimmy is middle class, not poor in social class status however we cannot even afford a 200,000 home. and he is not poor. But watching these shows you do begin to feel somewhat depressed because it makes you feel like you are poor and that its impossible to ever own a decent home]

Anyway, back on topic :D

Karen's dad is a real estate broker and her and her husband aaron gave us some valuable tips/pointers. A lot of what they said was what I had been trying to J. over the past months but he refused to listen to me- it was So refreshing and I revelled hearing them say all the things I said!! It's kind of like a "I told you so" moment AND altho it sux it's this way, I KNEW he would not refuse to listen to them since they are NOT in our relationship and they are solely HIS friends, people he knew before me. I knew that would give him the ability to really listen without bias and without thinking I was trying to control things or manipulate. I knew if it came from the outside not connected to me or my friends in my life- that he would be more willing to listen and unable to use his stubborn stance with them!! and I was RIGHT.

After talking for several hours with them [and aaron drove us around to a few homes, just to see the outside and the neighborhood areas around st. pete, of about five homes wed chosen online on a real estate site]-- I think Jimmy is finally through with Yvette!!!!!! Haha I do not think he wants to go back to her and that this visit with friends was what he needed to finally ADMIT I was right all along!

They said all the things I tried suggesting to him- that she was unprofessional- they agreed with me she should have set up an appt in her office [we never had any] and also known what was IN or OUT of our range after the first meeting. They said it sounded fishy, and like she was only after a sale and our money. They also advised against using the loan guy who was also talking with Yvette and connected to her. They said it sounded suspicious and like there was some possible commission by her using him and vice versa. They recommended you never use a loan lender thru your real estate agent and cautioned us against it.

FINALLY people saying everything I sensed and finally Jimmy listening and realizing the truth. I do think from their reaction that they felt he was being taken for a ride and swindled and that the time weve wasted in looking is beyond what it should be and wouldn't be if we had a competent real estate agent. They also found it amazing and unprofessional that we have done all the work.

Yvette never found us homes, we found them ourselves than emailed it to her and met up with her in a parking lot and then she drove us to what we had emailed her. They found it strange just like I did that it was like we were working for her rather than her working for us. They said it was ridiculous and to drop her, not even waste any more of our time with her.

So long story short, Karen's going to send her dad via email about ten homes we are interested in, by where they live in St. Pete, and have him email us with pertinent info and possibly set up a meeting to sit down and talk - and possibly take us over to the homes to see them, inside and such. I asked Jimmy months ago to ask Karen for her family's help as she is a sweet honest upfront genuine person whom I knew would help in a heartbeat and have lots of useful information.

Btw, here is the last pic of Karen and I, taken a few yrs ago and below is Karen with her husband [her husband's in an indie alternative rock band that is local in st pete / tampa and which my fiance has managed for a few yrs now via myspace. They've taken a break recently- and obviously becos of their new edition to the family. Their son is now 6 wks old and he was absolutely adorable]

Anyway a few pix of our friends!


Me with Karen at homeless thanksgiving benefit at Skipper's Smokehouse in Tampa- November 2006


Lead singer of local band and husband of K.

Karen and Aaron did make a slight comment to Jimmy that they thought it an awful lot to plan a wedding and then try to buy a home and move in, practically the month before our wedding. I made a sarcastic remark to everyone which I am sure did not go missed- that I felt it suicide to do that and overly stressful and that I did not want to do it, found it unrealistic, and completely stupid to do but that that was Jimmy wanted and he refused to listen to me.

I think Aaron's brother who is older and was also there seemed to acknowledge how I felt and almost agree with a semi-supportive statement that seemed to say that doing just a wedding alone or finding a home without a wedding, was so stressful that he could not even imagine the amount of stress two of these things would cause. I sensed he was actually supporting my feelings and not supporting Jimmy's idea but because we don't know him very well and he probably sensed the subject to be heated, he didn't want to say anything to ignite things or maybe cause a fight b/t us. I felt or sensed he tried to word it all in a way that didnt make Jimmy feel he was telling him what to do or being judgemental/critical and I wonder IF maybe they did sense the tension as it was apparent at this visit and we've known them socially and have had many social visits for the past two years but they've never really seen tension b/t us like this so out in the open. I did feel on edge because topics brought up are ones weve recently fought over and I have issues with so anyone bringing them up, just adds/brings more fuel to the fire and keeps things aflame which is what we DO NOT need right now.

I felt constantly aware of this 'tension', embarrassed, uncomfortable and guilty that they saw us that way. They probably think we are completely incompatible because there was a constant clashing of views when it came to what i want in a house and what he wants, how I think planning a wedding and finding a home is stupid to do right now, and my view of what this wedding means to me while he enjoys stressing how he cannot wait til it is all over and beyond us. I winced when he said that especially after I had just expressed my hurt recently over how much this wedding meant to me and that his constant remarks of how he never wanted this or statements that make it seem like he does not look forward to our wedding celebration etc. were destroying me and I resented him and told him that he would ruin our relationship if he continued on this path. I had warned him and yet he continues to slip in little jabs that make me feel worthless.

We view things differently on a lot of the above stuff and it has become increasingly hard not to fight. We are both very stressed, it's true but sometimes it just feels very discouraging. I don't want to go much into detail because I am not much in the mood for negative critiques on the relationship [not that any of you would but just don't want to invite it] and we are getting married so we have to learn to deal with stress, have to learn to cope with differences b/t us and find ways to compromise.

I don't have a problem with compromising though. It is him that I have to pull teeth with and has great difficulty in compromising. I am sure some people think we are incompatible together but I believe in making things work and believe that it is not impossible. We've made a commitment - and I don't believe in backing out or giving up on anything. I love him and I think he loves me as well. Sometimes though our differences work against us and that's extremely saddening for me.

Love is not perfect and this relationship isn't either but I will keep trying because I want to, and because I believe in our future and that building anything worth investing in takes time and a lot of hard work. I am determined even if this means my own blood sweat and tears.

floral + stress.

This entry was written prior to last weekend- on Wed. July 30th as days off are consumed by wedding planning and finding some downtime to recover from all the stress. That is why I haven't been online much friday to sunday as of late.

It is because every second of our time is filled with obligations, appts, and a wanting to just vegetate once the day is over as its been exhaustive. Add home hunting on top of all this-- and the stress is just BRUTAL. That's been frustrating and depressing too but guess what? I think Jimmy is beginning to wake up after seeing some close friends over the wkend- who just had their first baby and gave him some wise tips and advice over the weekend which back up what I have been saying to him all along (but he chose to ignore).

I WILL most definitely share a full update on the above paragraph, full detail of the house hunting dilemma and how his friends pretty much validated everything I had tried to say to him in the future. HA! Feels great to be validated and say -Told you so!!

So, here is latest wedding update which was written about a week ago!

Jimmy booked the photographer LAST Monday and put down the 535 deposit. We will be going to Citrus Park Publix floral dept on Friday and have an appt at 2pm- they do do weddings.

Note, he wrote me this last week:

Hi babe,
I just got off the phone with Randy at Celebrations and booked the photography, DJ, and music for the ceremony. I told him that we'll stop by sometime to listen to the different music selections they have. It ended up costing $1605 including tax, so I paid $535 for the deposit and the remaining balance is $1070.

I also talked to a lady at Publix (Apron's) and scheduled an appointment for the flowers at 2:00 pm on Friday. She said they normally have appointments up until 6:30 pm, but I didn't want to have to rush over there after work especially since I don't normally get home until 6:15 pm as it is and don't know if I may have to work late.

Well, I hope you got some rest. I probably won't stop by storage until I pick you up if you think your photos will be ready. Let me know if you talk to them and they still aren't ready and I'll get the book (and any others) that sold.
Love,
Jimmy





+++

Oh, we've put in our Wedding Invitation Order last weekend - it was over $200. [The proof came today via email and we will receive them at the end of August- we only ordered 75 invites.)
We are very behind and Jimmy has been stressed over being behind and money but I kept warning him we needed to do things and he ignored me. He likes to say he never wanted a formal wedding and I was the one- so things have been tense and I blew up over that over the weekend before last weekend.

It IS hurtful because he keeps rubbing it in my face everytime he is stressed [esp when my dad acted how he did-didn't want my mom helping us much financially with wedding. So now J feels funny around dad and seems to resent me even more because of how my dad humiliated him and it is as if he wishes he never committed to having a formal wedding becos of my dad and how he acted etc.) This is simply NOT fair to me and it has got me completely stressed out! I am caught in the middle. I can't help what my dad did and it's really not my fault. I have no control over what others say or do, regardless of blood ties. I feel like my dad has screwed up Jimmy's chance of being close to him or having a good relationship and it really upsets me inside but I can't really talk to anyone because all the ones I would talk to are involved (mom/dad jimmy)and it just seems I have been put in the middle against my will. I resent this and feel agitated/upset over the entire thing. It should not be like this.

All this makes me feel my fiance's heart isn't into this wedding planning and makes me realize that he is NOT appreciative of what a special day this will be. He has no idea that everything we are doing to make this wedding a reality IS preparing us for the real meaning of marriage and that this is an exercise on how well we work together as a couple, and gives us a tiny idea of what it is like to conquer hardships/stress/ in life as well as what its like to make plans, set goals and to compromise as a couple as we will need these skills during our marriage and future life together. This is preparation and a build up to something so meaningful and its a once in a lifetime thing, a learning experience that is beyond valuable to our future together.

His attitude has been the wrong one and hurt me lately because this should be a gift of his love to me and instead of complaining and making me feel guilty for having a wedding, he should be supporting me in this and appreciating all we're doing to make this special for him. Not to mention love IS making the other happy not thinking ONLY of yourself. Love is not selfish..but he is immature and self-absorbed. He cannot see past anything but the money aspect and how it is taking up all his precious selfish social time.

It just makes me sad and feel resentment that he doesn't care about what this means to me + has to act like an immature child throwing a tantrum and only thinking of himself. He doesn't seem to realize how special this day will be.

I feel like he is going to regret his actions when that day comes and he is moved by the ceremony and everything at the wedding. He will be sorry and I have warned him of this very thing - in a recent outburst/ fight.

Jimmy has promised to try to be more supportive but I have felt very overwhelmed and stressed, constantly upset as he is trying to cram us buying a home before Oct. 1st to make the deadline before the FHA loan expires and to move in everything before the wedding.

I think trying to find a first home and having to move in right before the wedding is a BIG mistake. I feel it is TOO stressful for me and I have tried explaining this to him. I cannot handle both moving and a wedding!!!! It IS stressful enough as it and I fear that my mental state of being will not be able to handle this much stress. I am drained with everything going on and it IS over his head. He thinks I can toughen up and get over it but I cannot.

We had a fight over this yesterday. I am resigned. He wants what he wants even if it causes me distress and doesnt want to hear how I feel or consider me. He says he will try his best to minimize stress for me in house hunting but the last several mos have been high stress and the closer it gets to him all panicked over this house loan deadline, the more frenzied and stressed everything will be. He just does not get it!! It is purely logical common sense.

He doesn't want to wait and is convinced he will NEVER be able to buy a home if he misses this Oct 1st 2008 deadline as they are doing away with FHA. I feel that is a ridiculous and irrational line of thinking and he is allowing fear to control him and it is impairing his judgement severely.

Jimmy has a good job and good credit. I've seen people on welfare get homes with tons of kids. But whatever!!!! He feels he knows more than I do. It is a waste of breath to say otherwise.

I just hope things get less stressful cos I am overwhelmed right now and my mood swings are increasing because I have no psych medication and no psych who will treat me with my insurance so I am really struggling :(

Next I am going to share some pix I copied from the white chapel website where our wedding will be held. These give an idea of how some people decorated the chapel for the ceremony and also how they chose to do the reception room.

Jimmy still needs to talk to Janice to find out the amount of chairs/tables and what color or how they look. I hope it is in a neutral color because in one of the pix the chairs were bright tropical green and that wouldnt match our wedding colors of ivory, champagne and lilac!!

Update: WELL Jimmy talked to Janice last wkend. Turns out chairs are a bright bluegreen color- so this will NOT do. Jimmy is the one who called her and talked out things while I was asleep over the past wkend. He told me that he got a recommendation from the chapel/reception coordinator [Janice] for linen seat covers for our chairs and that it was a really reasonable price so he said we will go with that, at 3.50 a chair plus they do set up for you. We are estimating approx 8 tables, give or take and I think 8 tables holds an estimate of 8 people to one table. We needed to find out that information for other various wedding planning appts such as florist and for when we start shopping at michael's for arts/crafts DIY wedding decorations and party favors since that seems to be the more affordable route to go at this point!!

Here are the picture examples in chapel + reception hall at White Chapel in Palm Harbor:

CHAPEL FLORAL ARRANGEMENT IDEAS (see examples below from past weddings there:)








(two different styles from different weddings- it appears)






RECEPTION HALL IDEAS (for floral arrangements in hall and at tables:)

(those hanging bouquets (with lights or mini chandaliers) are unique but don't know if we could do this, how expensive it might be, and J thinks it looks too complex and we should stick to simple. but I like unique. We'll see, I suppose.)



+++

Thinking further and more in term of the bridal party bouquets and what I want..after some net surfing and research, here are some floral bouquet trends this year that I would most consider for my own potential bouquet for this wedding.

In all honesty, I am most drawn to the second one. This is mostly because I think there will be gold in my colors based on possible accessories. It depends if i go with necklace and shoes I am thinking of. This is of uncertain yet and I am hesitant as I don't really like gold all that much in terms of jewelry- I prefer white gold or silver to yellow gold so this could change and is very up-in-the-air at the moment!

BOUQUET TRENDS

ballerina bouquet:

a waste of breath.

i tried talking sense into jimmy the other day, via email and in person. it turned into somewhat of a nasty fight.

he is convinced if he doesn't buy a home he will never have one and feels at 37 he is way past due. i could not talk any sense into him and getting upset, telling him he was being ridiculous, stupid, ignorant, unrealistic and impossible wasnt worth it.

sharing my disapproval [i tried the civil rational way via email but that did not work] but it only made jimmy more determined, headstrong, and stupidly stubborn. it was pointless to express my feelings.

he is being naive and foolish.

i emphasized that this is too much to worry about right before a wedding. and too stressful. he dismissed my feelings and my stress and said life is all about pressure and u just deal with it.

his way of lack of empathy tough love approach or whatever u want to call it- stubborn asshole male sentiments i guess- IS POINTLESS and WASTEFUL.

it doesn't and won't work for me.

i pretty much blew a fuse. i felt so frustrated and angry at him.

i couldn't get my point across and there really was no care about how this is affecting me emotionally- i simply said i wasn't going to tolerate this and a compromise would be worked out or i'd be leaving. i hung up.

while he was on the phone, he kept telling me he couldn't talk anyway abruptly and was angry i called his work so pissed, i hung up on him. why waste my time? it was the day before yesterday but everytime i think of it, i get enraged and want to scream f-you at the top of my lungs.

i am mostly okay-- if i don't think about it.

it wasn't the most mature thing to do and i felt pushed to my limits and hopeless. i just get so angry when he won't talk to me about the thing that is truly upsetting me and his attitude was like i just have to go along with whatever he wants and what i feel/think really has no meaning. and that i better just deal with it. it pisses me off to be treated like i am worth nothing or that he is HIGHER than i when he is NOT. i don't appreciate being treated like a child. he knows all this. i'm like a broken record telling him i won't stand for imbalance in our relationship and not having a say in what we do in our lives.

i don't think he means to come off as cold and controlling and rigid and it only occurs when fighting and there is resistance from me.

when i write these things down here or on paper, i know it makes him look more evil than he is and i don't want him to be perceived in this negative way. truth be told, in person, he is another kind of animal and one that most would perceive as non-threatening, unintimidating and HARMLESS.

whatever the case, i'm tired of arguing and fighting at the moment. i say things i don't really mean. and i feel like im going to lose it in the rages i feel sometimes, not like i'm going to physically destroy anything/anyone. just that emotionally i feel i am going to lose it.

i am resigned. he can do what he wants. i don't care at this point and i will be a bitch about it because i am resentful at this time. he is all for getting a home before the oct 1st deadline and he wants to stay with that bitch yvette. he wants us to move into a new home and maybe a new city before our wedding.

i think thats so f--ing ridiculous and i screamed i didn't want to contend or stress over this before our wedding. he told me it would be no stress. that is BS. it will be. he also said since i have been married before- it shouldn't be stressful - this wedding were planning which is way more formal in ways than my first wedding but he doesn't want to hear the facts and is just plain ignorant.

we did make up later but i'm still angry. he didn't apologize for his attitude and i don't necessarily agree with much of his goal/plan. he won't allow me to have much say and i'm tired of fighting.

i will F***ING LAUGH when he realizes that he isn't gonna find a house to make that deadline and that it is way more stressful than he ever imagined to try moving before a big wedding when we have so many loose ends to tied still and are so stressed over it...but he assures me he will be fine and he won't let it get too stressful for me and he will do things to minimize my stress. well, we will see!!

i'm not mad right now but i do resent the situation and i am bitter towards him.

i am not going to put much effort into supporting his unrealistic vision in getting a home by october and moving in before november but i won't say anything to shoot his ideas down. it isn't going to be as easy as he thinks and i think he is kidding himself and do not think it will happen.

i can't wait to say i told you so.

i know i sound childish but i am pretty fed up right now and tired of not being heard.

[ps i dont want any notes on this one, sorry!]

oh yeah, this was what jimmy wrote me after i emailed him about waiting on house hunting or at least waiting to buy one til after we marry in november, which is only four mos. he just would NOT f***ing have it.

his letter started out nice by saying what i wanted but by the end, it was obvious that there were hidden layers of inconsistent and contradictive statements thruout the email. in fact i bolded it, printed it and took notes in green pen to show him all these things.

it set me off and got me really anxious and then really angry. irritated. i hate people who have some secret agenda, trying to trick me or manipulate me into doing what they want. i felt that was what he was doing whether consciously or unconsciously.

his sentences flit around- going from supporting/validating me TO confirming my feeling of his true intentions which i disagree with entirely.

whatever.

this was his email :

[when i confronted the email below- that is when we got in a fight and my feeling he was going to contradict what we decided last week was true. he has contradicted himself and is as anxious as EVER to get a home and i don't see much of a break being taken at all, for it has been less than a week and we have spent several days doing home searches online to compile his next list of driving to homes. yeah. not happy.]

Hi babe,

I'm just going to briefly respond to your message because I'm really busy today. If I don't get a lot of this work out of the way soon, I may have to work from home in the next few weeks to finish a project before school starts and I don't really want to do that if I can help it.

I understand the points you make and agree with many of them. While Yvette may not be the best realtor, I've already established an application with the mortgage guy and don't want to go through all of that again if I can avoid it. I'm not saying we have to go out looking with her every chance we get until we find something. I really think that we'll only need to go out once or twice more to look at places around Citrus Park and Brandon.

If we have time on my last long weekend, we'll drive by the neighborhoods and make sure we want to see some of the houses we found.

We can't wait too long or other people will scoop up the good ones and we'll definitely be stuck in our infested apartment for another year or longer. After we see the ones we like, we can decide when we will be ready to go out again.

If we don't find anything in Hillsborough county, then I would consider finding another agent to look in Pinellas, but only when our options are exhausted.

I admit that I've felt a little pressured at times, but I assure you that I'm not going to make any stupid decisions. I've already learned a few lessons from this whole process. If it means anything, I'll tell my mom to quit asking about it and I'll tell her when something develops.

I've already iterated that if we don't find something, we'll have to wait until I can afford it.

The fact of the matter is that the downpayment assistance program that will allow us to buy a house may very well not be available after October 1st (as I've read in a few different articles).

I'm in too much debt with my car payment and credit cards to save any significant amount of money in the next few years to be able to make a $10,000 or more downpayment, and I'm afraid that if we don't find something, it'll be a while.

I'm definitely not going to rush into anything in order to beat any deadline, but I don't want to give up either. I think we're getting closer to finding something that we'll be happy with.

I know we have a lot of things to do for the wedding, but I promise that I'll make it a priority. I still think we can fit in house hunting while we do these things. I know I've been stressed and you have too, but it'll be over in a few months and it would be much better to start our life together as a married couple in a nice house in a nice neighborhood.

Well, I probably haven't hit on everything I needed to here and haven't been as brief as I intended, but I really have to go now. We can talk about it more later, or if you're more comfortable discussing these things through email, I'll try to respond more when I can.

I'm not upset and I don't want you to be more stressed than you already are. I'll do my best to make it as painless as possible and we'll get through these things together. We've already put so much into finding a place to live and I need you to be my support when we're ready to take the next step.

Hope you have a nice day and I'll see you soon.

Love,
Jimmy

not wise to buy home now- (letter to jimmy)

Hi sweetie- Its important that you read this now. so I am sending it. Please read this today if you can fit it in, before things get busy or during a short break. This is highly important to me and with the stress we've been under lately- it is likely to continue to rise or build into higher tension if not resolved and that is why sharing this with you now is vital and it would be detrimental to everything including our health, to not tackle it now.

Its nothing to worry about - rest assured, as it isn't anything we havent spoken of and seems to be a continuous source of tension b/t us so its nothing bad or shocking and nothing to fear but it is a touchy thing and it is too pressing for me not to address right now. Since its one of those things I can only approach via email to avoid adding further fire to the flame, I feel it best to share/express myself to you via email. It just feels safer that way and I dont want to keep piling stress upon stress on you. I know it seems like I am right now but it's not my true intention. My true intention is resolve and cohesiveness in our relationship, minus the tension/stress as of late. So, its vital there be open communication to talk and that you truly hear me now. Some things I feel shut out on and there are times where email seems only appropriate. This is one of those.

So to preface things, I will explain:

I got this note from my favorite/friend diarist C., she asked I give you some wise advice and tell you she said it, so I chose to share with you the gist of the entry I wrote yesterday before you got home from work and now her following comments and feedback that I saw just recently. I think she knows what she is talking about and I also believe she means well and is trying to be helpful to you and I.

I also think her note makes me see how important it is that you hear how I feel in this entry and what I think because what I think or feel should be important and worth something to you, even if you do not agree in the slightest of anything I said. Most especially because it is causing me great stress and because if you love me, you would want to know and hear how I feel, to take that into consideration.

Please read this carefully and think about it, deeply and please think about C.'s wise advice. Its exactly how I feel - maybe you need to hear it from someone only ten years older than us who has had more than one home in her life and knows what it is like firsthand and isnt someone close to you or connected or pushing you to buy a home now. It's important you understand that she isn't attacking you - nor am I- but I think in a roundabout way she wants the best for you because she cares about me and knows the choices you make in this circumstance will all-around affect me, too.

By the way - the following journal entry was written yesterday afternoon before we even spoke or mentioned Yvette had written you. It is important that you know that. This was not written tonite or just now. It took me hours to write what Ive chosen to share with you and Ive summarized this to be to the point for you and concise/clear. I do not feel its malicious or meant to attack/hurt or anger you, and that is not my intention in sharing this, so I strongly want to emphasize that you not take how I feel the wrong way - please try to listen to what I am really saying in this without jumping to conclusions or negative assumptions.

I will feel anxiety over this because I don't want to upset you or cause you any negative emotion. It will worry me until I hear some reply or reassurance and you talk to me more on this. Please do at some point today.

I love you so deeply and hope you can just separate yourself enough for one minute to understand where I come from and put things into true perspective with out feeling hurt or on the defensive or even angry again, at me. Please try to hear what is truly at the heart of all that I am saying. Thank you in advance for your patience and again I apologize for the way I have caused you such stress in recent days.

I am aware that there is much going on and much to be stressed over in many areas of your life especially in this wedding preparation, that is why sharing what I wrote below is vital.

To minimize stress for both you and I, I need you to listen to what I am saying and hear this, heed it, because adding more stress to the mix is definitely the last thing we need so let's find a way that we can work together productively and find a happy medium please.

Please be gentle in your reaction and reply to this. I don't think my heart/mind/body can handle another day of arguing or crying. Please, my hormones are off balance w/ my period and I am sensitive, tired, stressed, drained and I just feel emotionally taxxed right now. I feel runned down and not at my best emotional state so please be gentle, its all I ask.

I love you-

April

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the stress + strain of house-hunting 7.28.08 [Monday]

A home is an investment and if we can't see ourselves there down the road ten yrs plus, we should not make that committment or investment. It is a huge [life-altering] decision that you can't just correct if you make the wrong choice, you are stuck.

I do not want our final home choice to be the result of pressurized selling or the home of our nitemares simply because we settled feeling desperation to pick anything just to get a home period.

I am not desperate and refuse to settle. I believe that anything good is worth the wait. I also believe in making a decision that I can commit to for a lifetime and not being rash when it comes to choosing a home and buying one.

I refuse to settle because if nothing is coming our way OR prices raise or it's NOT meant to be right now, then I am content to accept that. I would much rather wait until the time is right and have a home I love than end up with a dump I settled for just because we made decisions based on fear and desperation. But Jimmy thinks differently. He wants a home right away and he thinks in the negative, that he will never be able to afford a home if he doesn't buy now. I have to disagree. He has a high enough income that he can afford a home and will one day and he has pristine credit.

There is no reason why down the road he couldn't ever buy a home but he is so restless, anxious, antsy to buy a home before the market changes and prices raise that he has lost sight of his prior ambitions to find a dream home that is affordable which we both love and is almost ready to settle for homes I couldnt even see him ever wanting to live in if it were an apt we were renting. its just his ideals have gone down the drain due to desperation and FEAR of never owning a home.

I feel that he lacks trust in himself and the future and I don't know how to instill some faith and hope which I do have. I would ask why but I'm afraid to because he never reacts well to confrontation and seems to always become defensive, closing up, whenever I want to talk. He would only deny this and downplay what I sense and feel and dismiss it as if it were not true if I said my true thoughts right now.

I've tried to make him see and I think its opened his mind a lot as he even wrote Yvette a lengthy letter explaining we wanted a break and didn't want to settle for just any home [all the things I told him I felt recently] and that he had decided he'd gotten lost in the excitement of it all and lost sight of what was important to him and ourselves so he wanted to re-evaluate his choices and start over from scratch, stick to his ideals and not settle even if we have to wait til something pops up that we can afford. I think he finally realizes and agrees with me that it's better to wait than to regret, in the long run.

Unfortunately Yvette's reply to him was short and impersonal/unfriendly, abrupt. I don't think she is happy about the decision and she has never wrote anything saying she understands where we are coming from or supporting our decision. I fear this non-reaction will cause him to cave and re-nig on his decision, the one we made together and my anxiety is building with worry over this.

He even expressed his regret in wasting her time and apologized in two different emails saying he felt awkward with her and hoped she understood. He showed me her replies and none of them acknowledged his apology or her giving us any understanding. I don't feel she is truly genuine or wants the best outcome for us. I believe it is only the promise of a sale and cash that counts to her. She may no longer want to work with us but if she does, I think it is only money/sale- motivated.

I really do not want to work with her anymore after some of her actions/behaviors in all this and she has hit a nerve on more than one occasion with me coming off catty and snarky in an effort to get a rise out of me. She's hardly organized, professional or competent at her job and frankly I am at the end of my rope with her and sick of having to deal with the likes of her .

Jimmy on the other hand thinks he will ask her in the future to show us more houses again once we take a break. He acknowledges he senses the same discomfort in her replies or lack of acknowledgement or hurt and seems to think she will get over it and seems completely oblivious to the fact that his decision was taken very personally by her, in my opinion, and the fact that he has in a sense damaged the business relationship and I would not be surprised if she thinks I am behind this and feels hostility towards me. I have never felt that she genuinely likes me as a person, anyway.

She is NEVER going to be comfortable now even if time passes and she lets it go. I feel it's time to move on and find someone else especially someone who is not connected to his best friend. I feel choosing someone with a connection was a big mistake. This whole time I've felt his eagerness to do what she says, no matter how rash and irresponsible and hasty, has been effected by the fact that she is his best friend's sister-in-law. It is almost as if he feels obligated to impress her or he feels he has to impress her and give her a good sale. I do not want to buy our first home with someone he is out to impress or consumed by the fear of disappointing her just because she is connected to his personal life. That is how mistakes and bad choices occur. I feel and believe it was a HUGE mistake to go with her because if it doesn't work out or he makes a bad choice, he is going to have to see her in the future outside of the business relationship because its his best friend's relative.

I can't force him to do-away with Yvette because of his loyalty to her which seems quite wrongly misplaced due to the fact that she is his best friend's sis in law and he feels pressured to not disappoint and does not want to go outside of his 'comfort zone' to find another simply because its too much work for him so he will settle for this.

I am a person who has a real dislike of people who "kiss-up" or put on a facade just to make someone else like or respect them just because they are afraid to be themselves. The truth is I can't and I won't tell him what to do but I will not keep quiet about the fact that I do not like Yvette and do not wish to continue with her and that if he does, he can expect more future outbursts/arguments in front of her from me if provoked by her w/ sarcastic/catty remarks because my patience is wearing thin and my level of tolerance is growing weak. She has already seen me blow up in controlled ways a few times and I was sarcastic and snappy towards or indirectly irritated at her and it showed - it was subtle but anyone could feel the sense of tension spilling over in the air.

When Jimmy did tell me he wrote Yvette a lengthy letter about us making a decision to take a break from house hunting and pull homes we had bidded on that week and cancel them based on realizing we were settling and making bad decisions and needed to re-evaluate our priorites etc, I felt SO relieved. These were all the things I have been saying for months now and had argued over with him.

It moved me to know that he finally listened to what I was saying and on his own and had come to the realization that I was right and that he was being very hasty. I feel that him waking up has helped lessen some of the tension that got kicked up in our relationship..HOWEVER his mother has already expressed extreme disapproval this past weekend, and it sounded like from what I could see [he was on the phone with her], that she was unhappy and critical of his decision and was encouraging him to rush in finding a home and to settle before prices go up, rather than waiting for the right home. I heard him explaining and reasoning with her and defending our decision however I could tell his mother was discounting what he thought best for us and planting doubt in his and our decision together. After this talk, Jimmy seemed anxious over getting a home prior to our wedding in november this fall, all over again, AFTER we had spoken of taking a step back and going slower with this only days before.

I don't know what is in his head today. He is going back 'n' forth between rational logic and impulsiveness to find a home before the market changes. I feel he is being influenced back to his previous thoughts prior to deciding to take a break - all because of the way his mother was pushing him to find one and not take a break this past Saturday and I am aggravated as hell that she has gotten him all stressed out again making him feel as though he will never find or afford a home in his lifetime and that she has undone, unravelled the decision we had made together, only days ago, to take a break and reevaluate everything, change our game plan and so on. I am frustrated with it all and don't even know what we are doing now. He is so all over the place and indecisive about being decisive that I am confused/lost and it is causing me more stress than I can handle right now.

I mentioned recently that he probably felt desperate to buy a home because of his mother's constant calls everytime she knows that we are going to look at homes to see if we found one yet or if we have bid on it...And then when we haven't found anything, lecturing him he's got to hurry and buy a home. He totally denied this when I mentioned this gently last week but then my point was proven when his mother called and he said his decision this past wkend and she kept him on the phone for longer than usual just to lecture him about how she disagreed with him waiting etc.

I didn't hear her exact words but I was sitting next to him the entire time and I saw his face, his reaction and you could tell, that she was pushing him and pressuring him and making him doubt himself and I could tell after that convo - that it affected him because we've looked at more online homes after this to add to check out in the near future AND he made statements a few times after making the decision to cool things off that sound like he is getting desperate again and I sense that he is ready and ripe to contradict his and my decision.

In fact, I have the distinct feeling he will talk to yvette via email - if not today- sometime this week- and I think he will, without telling me, try to fix things in order to make near future plans. I feel anxious over this and think he will not voluntarily tell me about it or will ease it in light hearted conversation very soon just to prepare for a soon-to-be outing with her and act like we never made the decision we just did.

I sense that the resolve he and I decided on, is slowing slipping away and disintegrating and that he is going to retract all that he had said about taking a break because we have so much to do with planning the wedding and all and it is quite stressful.

The way I feel is : the wedding + impending marriage ARE top priority, therefore making sure everything is together for our day should come first!! We committed to this date way before we even started looking for homes and that should be our primary focus.

Planning a wedding causes extreme stress for most and he has been recently expressing this, and so, to top it off with trying to find a home before the wedding makes absolutely NO sense and is asking for it.

Things are stressful enough and even he is coming undone over the stressors of putting a formal wedding together and it really bears no logic to try to add more stress to your life by doing the second most stressful thing in the average couples' life- buying a first home.

I am not certain my mental state can handle that much stress and strain. it is just too much for me and i feel it is causing enough distress in the relationship to cause damage. i just feel the timing is all wrong.

There is no emergency, no rush to find a home before our wedding, but I can't convince him otherwise and he doesn't see the affect it is having on everything. It is like asking for suicide to add that to the mix and his idea originally was to get a home and move in, a month before the wedding. That is f***in' crazy and makes absolutely NO SENSE at all.

I can be a person who lacks common sense in areas that involve emotion and scary decision-making HOWEVER in this situation, I feel we have switched roles . He is the person I typically am and I am the logical one this time. It baffles me because he is very grounded, a logically oriented person, stable. J. does not jump to conclusions, make hasty choices, do things he regrets. Normally, he is slow, safe, cautious, guarded - slow to take big steps and make decisions, perfectionist about what he buys or chooses [must be flawless] so when I think of all this and I have told him this, I am completely confused as to why he has not been this way in the arena of choosing a home/buying our first home together.

I feel that my fiance is a successful person in many facets of his life and has wonderful potential for more success in his future however I feel that his parents high expectations/attitudes push him too hard and this truly blocks him and is a source of inner confliction and self-doubt. It makes me both sad and angry and also frustrated that I cannot do anything and I am helpless to make him see this without offending him.

I am dizzy with the whole thing. Things change so much. One minute you're told you have a good chance or are within the right price range then the next minute you're told 'oh sorry someone else already has a contract, outbid you, or you were not in the right price range.' We've had so many of this lately that all the homes are beginning to blend together and I can't keep up on it all. I feel utterly drained, burned out over it all.

It has been a whirlwind of homes, overkill of looking and being told to bid on what we can lay our hands on [according to Yvette which I thought unwise-] ..WHY bid on things you don't love as backup? Why not focus on only what you love and what you would settle for as the best? I had been telling this to Jimmy for a while now. It finally dawned on him and in his letter to Yvette late last week he did state this.

I fear he will regress though because her lack of acknowledgement and lack of attempt to reply to what he said to her or accept his apology may cause someone like him to fold and give in, and because he has a need to please/impress others to be liked. I can already envision him writing her out of the blue like nothing happened and suggesting to look at his next set of homes.

I hope he does not do that. It would look very flighty, wishy washy, and I would resent it after all we talked over and how I helped him compile his letter to her and took the time to discuss the situation with him, listened to him, and made a joint decision together. IF he were to turn around and change everything we talked out and decided days ago, I would feel very disappointed and unsettled..not to mention pissed.

When you make a decision together, you stick together. Not to mention the fact that he wrote two very decisive and to the point emails to Yvette stating clearly his decision and my approval of that decision to take a break, go slower, and do things entirely differently. And so if he were to start planning outings right away again, it would seem like he never meant what he wrote and it would come off as desperation and lacking ability to stick with what he had said when we had clearly made a decision and took the time to write out his feelings to her.

Her unacknowledgement of what he had written about our decision/apology clearly is her way of not putting any weight into what he said, knowing that that is the best tactic to get him to start talking again about our next planned meeting.

I fear he is not going to stick to that decision we made and that I cannot handle the stress that will follow and ensue. There are too many other important things going on that involve a heavy amount of stress like finalizing all details of our wedding and this added to it, causes deep confliction, anxiety, and is distressful to my mental state of being. I do not want to go backwards from this!! but that is what i sense is going to happen. I don't know what to do :/

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Thank you for listening and I think you should think about what I've expressed. Please do not take it personally or think that I am trying to attack you. The whole situation is going to cause me to crack mentally and my mind can only handle so much stress. Be mindful of this. Please.

You stated to Yvette via email and right in front of me that we were taking a break and I agreed and told you I felt it necessary and essential and even if you have changed your mind at this moment [within days, it is not even a week since you wrote her], it would be unfair to yank me back into that gruelling process of doing what we were doing prior when it is so obvious I am in great need of a break right now, emotionally and mentally. It is too much. Please heed my warning. I do not want a mental breakdown before our wedding .

Here are C's notes. Please know that I believe in my heart that she has good intentions and that she truly just wants the best for both and is looking out for your and my future. She does like you and always compliments you when I write so it's not like she looks down on you. Anyway here are her notes:

I would recommend that he not tell his family at all the next time you look for a home. When we were considering building we never mentioned it to Freds' family because they would just harp on him. People who harp on other people are controlling. They are NOT looking out for someone's own good and that "need to impress" is why so many people are in foreclosure right now. All Jimmy has to do is read the paper. Does he really want to have to turn around and lose his home and his credit?

Yikes! Sorry. I don't mean to be inciting you against him if you're already having hard feelings, but Jeeze Louise! Tell Jimmy I said it's a very wise decision, that people overextend themselves and that if you wait for your dream house, you'll both walk in and go, this is it! But if you buy a house because you feel you have to, you'll be settling! *hugs*

You definitely need to be included on decisions. Maybe you can just sit on this stuff for six months. It's never a good idea to be trying to do too many things at once. In this world where everything is so stressful, it doesn't make sense to invite more! [C.] [p]