I wrote this to my fiance because I am at times triggered by the fact that he often doesn't appreciate the emails I send to share my thoughts/ feelings with him and he doesnt really email me much at all when at work. Its foreign to me and Ive never known anything like this. It also makes me very unhappy that he has little interest in emailing me, sharing or replying to what i do take time and effort to share. It irritates me and upsets me.
J. doesn't share much and I've had to pull everything out of him that Ive gotten in the past. he never tells me about his day or his friendships at work, he never volunteers anything with me and I always have to hint or ask him straight out. I hate that.It makes it seem like he doesn't want to share anything with me and I feel resentful. He says that he just doesn't share cos he feels its work and its unimportant but I disagree. Sharing makes me feel closer whether its trivial or deep, and we are sharing a life together.
I had a PAST relationship and a marriage that encompassed constant sharing, there was not one thing we couldnt tell one another and it made me absolutely the happiest most secure person in the world and it is HOW ALL relationships should be. It is what I want. I cannot live with someone who cannot give me this.
I love my fiance but this is a big problem to me and it is an ISSUE that has to be fixed or I will grow bitter towards him and it will push me away and the marriage will be doomed.
I need someone who lets me inside and communicates. he has major trouble with both of these and often shuts me out esp when I most need empathy, care, soothing, consolation.
I have to SCREAM, cry and get upset for him to even give nuturance that I want.
I am very needy. and he is very emotionally distant at times. He never discusses the relationship, how he feels or what he thinks. It bothers me and drives me insane most of the time.
I do not like it and I want it to change.
I wrote the below email to him yesterday when I found he still had not read something I sent a week ago to share something I wrote in this diary, that was important to me. I was extremely hurt.
I often feel I am not a priority or important to him. I feel worthless that he doesn't read what I write when I send it and furious that I have to fking remind him to read what i sent a long time ago by forwarding the same email I had already sent him and asking him everyday did he read it yet.
He always says oh no, i forgot or i am too busy YET he has time to do other things which I feel should NOT be a higher priority than me. his reply to me in this email made me blow up and cry for an HOUR or more hysterically last nite.
J. basically replied how he always does wthout apology, without any remorse, without acknowledging that I feel hurt, without empathy, without saying he will try, without admitting he should try and that he wants to try becos he loves me enough he wants me to be happy. He is great at saying nothing and the more I want him to comfort me and console me when upset, the more he ignores me walks away or acts like I do not exist. There is nothing that makes me angrier and that is the quickest way to get me to fking HATE you.
J. didn't say anything and I asked aren't u going to say something to what I wrote to you?!!!
[This is how it is anytime I tell him how I feel + what I want from him in the relat. he says absol nothing and I feel enraged]
So then he replies with: "I don't know what you want me to say. "
I say, " You Have Got To Be Fking kidding me!!! You don't know what to say?!?!?! Are you fking for real???
And after all this, ALL he could say which made me more hurt and even angrier, was this fking pathetic answer:
"Well the baseball game thing was time sensitive so I had time for that."
SO, in other words, my words and what I share are not significant. F**king NICE. He eventually came in the bedroom and told me he loved me but he is always so emotionally vacant when I cry and hurt, and he acts the opposite of what you think someone who loves someone would act WOULD. He is always stiff like he is uncomfortable.
I do NOT get IT or HIM. It is just beyond my comprehension. I got over IT but it is an issue and he didn't really say anything of validity to make me convinced he gets ME and gets that this needs to be fixed if he wants US to work out.
I wrote him this:
Hi sweetie, thanks. it's just that I notice even when busy, you don't avoid reading/ or replying to any of your male friends who write you. I notice you read and replied right away to bryan when it had to do with baseball, that you do read/ and write back to any of your friends in general or your bros if they email you. I would like to be treated with the same type of loyalty and excitement, effort that you give to them.
Maybe if you did w/b and make me feel that you cared about the things I sent by replying with a single word reply or one sentence to know that you even read it, I would not send so many emails in a day to you. The more I feel I don't get attention , the more I act out by desperately seeking your attention.
If I continue to feel ignored, I will just send more and more and eventually I will get very angry because I begin to resent that I am not noticed, appreciated, or given attention to. If I feel invisible that means I feel like I am worth nothing and the amount of confliction/pain I feel over this "rejection" is tremendous.
My anger is created out of pent up feelings of rejection and it is tied to past abuse. Whether you want to believe it or not, the past is always a result of how someone reacts, feels, and views things in the future. If you have not suffered abuse, you will NEVER understand. The damage is forever but if you don't realize the way I am affected/effected or start seeing the things that do upset me and start changing those things- you will continue to make me feel hurt. If you love me, you will wake up and notice these things and do what it takes to exert effort to show you care what I have to say when I share it with you.
The TINY amount of effort you could make takes NOTHING to do and I don't care how busy you are. If you have time to write your friend about baseball and find tix and world series times to find a way to go, then you SURELY DO have adequate time to read my measley small email that I only shared to be close to you and share a part of my world in diary writing and what I share with people who are my friends outside of YOU.
I sent my thoughts WAY before the day B. wrote you and you searched for baseball tix but being busy did NOT stop you from taking time/effort to read, write, and find out stuff for him + for yourself. That probably took MORE time to do than reading and writing one sentence back to my email would have. That proves to me that IF something or someONE is important enough to you, then You WILL find the time. If I were top priority, the same would be true but I am not a sport or baseball so I do not come first. That is just how I see it, no offense.
Just sharing my frustration of feelings. It is not my intention to make you feel small or hurt you or yell at you or make you feel stupid. My intention is to get you to see that it really hurts when you don't acknowledge things I share or make any effort to tell me you read it and what you thought or show some way that you care that I sent you some part of myself. It hurts me that you don't and I have asked you over and over again to please make an effort and told you how it makes me hurt, cry and sad.
I want to get my point Across on this because if I don't, I am going to get more and more bitter and resentful becos inside I feel very rejected by you a lot of the time and you are not doing much to change it.
I also feel my feelings on this are justified and I have never had a relat. with someone who had a problem that I lived with or dated, emailing me or emailing me back to every email I wrote them and making me feel like I was the MOST important and the CENTER of their world. That tells me a lot.
Anyone can make the effort and will when they truly want to show the person in their life that they love them and it really isn't any effort to make when you truly are devoted to the person you love. That is what I give to you and what I want to get back. It is what I deserve and it is absolutely nothing I should feel guilty about, because it takes nothing out of any man who is marrying the woman he loves and is asking her to be his wife. These are things that should come easy and is part of the role of what you give to your wife.
If you are not able to give this, you aren't going to be able to handle being married. that is the honest truth. I hope you think about what I have said and realize that I do love you that is why I am trying to 'fix' this cos it is a problem , a big problem in the relationship.
Lack of sharing and communication will not work for me- things will not last if you cannot learn to give more than you do, verbally and emotionally. I am not asking for anything that is impossible or that is not a "given" in ALL marriages not to mention general committed relationships that do not even include marriage yet. Please consider all this.
I love you,
April
+++
Ironically I then received this random email from emotionalhealth.com and the topic was on the top ten secrets to a happy and lasting coupleship/marriage. I found it fking hilarious and also redeeming to see everything I had stated and emphasized to him about healthy happy relationships and what he NEEDS to do and work on, was in this email by a REAL therapist. I could not wait to show how this article supported every thing I had tried to get him to see but he wouldn't listen to me. So I couldn't resist to send it. I wasn't trying to rub it in his face but he constantly makes me feel like I have to PROVE what I say is TRUE, valid, credible and REAL in order to get him to believe in what I say. I wonder why I have self esteem and confidence issues. It's because I always sense by the way he reacts to my emotionality that he doesnt support what I think or feel my view is rational or real.
I always feel he is doubtful of me or accuses me of exaggerating. I always feel like I have to prove myself. it would be nice if someone loved me enough to believe in and actually have faith in me and see me as a competent person. I have screamed at him over this several times in the past yr.
Yes, it has been a very stressful yr in our relationship becos he is so unaware of what it takes to have a healthy relat. and he is SO resistant when it comes to change, compromise or giving validation - he especially does NOTHING to really help me cope with my mental illness nor does he have any interest in reading on it. It discourages and pisses me off.
He says he supports me but doesn't need to read about my bipolar disorder. I think people like this are ignorant and lazy. He just doesnt want to put any effort forth. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would do everything I could for him. Because that is what love is. His attitude also reflects what his parents think that people who say they are depressed are just lazy and it doesn't really exist. I truly hate ignorant people.
So I sent him the note below along with article!
Hi sweetie,
The majority of this list covers ALL the things I have been trying to tell you for a long time and what I keep emphasizing everytime I am upset or have an issue with our relationship. All the things I have tried to make a point to get you to understand are covered in here. These simple ideas are in line with what I have said to you all along and have asked for. They support everything I tried to get you to see earlier tonite when I was upset, but that you seemed to resist against and not understand that they are indeed required in any lasting or growing relationship and most definitely in marriage.
If this doesn't make you see how important what I say is, I don't know what will but this was written by a licensed marriage therapist and I think this will prove to you that I know what I am talking about when it comes to successful loving relationships and what is necessary if you want to last.
I believe it is important that we always work on our relationship just like this says and it is one of my strongest beliefs in life. I think it is important to care about the relationship you have with your partner and I think that taking care of the relationship shows how MUCH you are invested in the person you love and in what the two of you share together. When you are invested in something, you do whatever it takes to make it work because you value that thing or person.
This article is short and covers ten main points. It should make all the things I have said to you over and over, valid. I think this will also make you realize that what I have asked for is realistic and it does need to be worked on and not ignored or swept under the rug until the next argument.
I hope you will now take seriously what I have said when you see that these things are most certainly required for our relationship or any marriage to succeed. Please take the time to read this. Thanks.
Love, April
+++The 10 Secrets of Happy Couples
December 10, 2006
They might be 30, or 75. They come in all colors, shapes, sizes and income brackets. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been together. Whatever the demographics, when you see a happy couple, you just know it!
How do these couples stay in love, in good times and in bad? Fortunately, the answer isn’t through luck or chance. As a result of hard work and commitment, they figure out the importance of the following relationship “musts.” Because few couples know about all of the musts, I think of them as the relationship “secrets.”
Happy Couples and Their Secrets
1. Develop a realistic view of committed relationships.
Recognize that the crazy infatuation you experienced when your romance was new won’t last. A deeper, richer relationship, and one that should still include romance, will replace it. A long-term relationship has ups and downs, and expecting it will be all sunny and roses all the time is unrealistic.
2. Work on the relationship.
An untended garden develops weeds that can ultimately kill even the heartiest plants. And so it is with relationships. It is important to address problems and misunderstandings immediately. Some people believe good relationships just happen naturally. The truth is that a good relationship, like anything you want to succeed in life, must be worked on and tended to on a regular basis. Neglect the relationship, and it will often go downhill.
3. Spend time together.
There is no substitute for shared quality time. When you make a point of being together, without kids, pets and other interruptions, you will form a bond that will get you through life’s rough spots. Time spent together should be doing a shared activity, not just watching television.
4. Make room for “separateness.”
Perhaps going against conventional wisdom, spending time apart is also an important component of a happy relationship. It is healthy to have some separate interests and activities and to come back to the relationship refreshed and ready to share your experiences. Missing your partner helps remind you how important he or she is to you.
5. Make the most of your differences.
Stop and think: What most attracted you to your partner at the beginning? I’ll almost guarantee that it was exactly the thing that drives you most insane today. Take a fresh look at these differences. Try to focus on their positive aspects and find an appreciation for those exact things that make the two of you different from one another. It’s likely that your differences balance one another out and make you a great team.
6. Don’t expect your partner to change; but at the same time give them more of what they want.
If both you and your partner stop trying to change each other, you will eliminate the source of most of your arguments. At the same time, each of you should focus on giving one another more of what you know the other person wants, even if it doesn’t come naturally. For instance, instead of complaining how your partner never cleans out the dishwasher, try just doing it yourself once in awhile without complaint. Your partner will likely notice your effort and make more of an effort themselves around the house. If you do both of these things at once you’ve got a winning plan!
7. Accept that some problems can’t be solved.
There may be issues upon which you cannot agree. Rather than expending wasted energy, agree to disagree, and attempt to compromise or to work around the issue. Two people cannot spend years together without having legitimate areas of disagreement. The test of a happy relationship is how they choose to work through such issues — through compromise, change, or finding it’s just not that important to stew over.
8. Communicate!
Lack of communication is the number one reason even good relationships fail. And here is a useful format for doing so, especially when dealing with incendiary topics: Listen to your partner’s position, without interrupting him or her. Just listen. When he or she is finished, summarize what you heard him or her say. If you can, empathize with your significant other even though you don’t agree. This will take your partner off of the defensive, and make it easier for them to hear your thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to argue when you use this format, and best of all, you may come up with an understanding or a solution.
9. Honesty is essential.
You may share with your partner the things he or she doesn’t want to hear. Better this than to have him or her doubt your honesty. Mistrust is one of the key deal breakers in relationships. And once trust is lost or broken, it can take a very long time to re-establish it in the relationship.The happiest couples are the ones where honesty is as natural and every day as breathing.
10. Respect your partner, and don’t take him or her for granted.
Treating your sweetheart with respect is likely to get you the same in return. And regularly reminding them how much they mean to you will enrich your relationship in indescribable ways. When you say, “I love you,” pause for a moment to really mean it. And don’t be afraid to express your feelings of appreciation with your partner — he or she will be thankful that you did.
Making these secrets an integral part of your relationship won’t be easy. In fact, your efforts may initially seem like planted seeds that never come up. If you maintain your efforts, however, you will likely reap what you sow.
What's Related
Historical Secrets to Happiness
Be My Valentine: An Exercise to Grow Your Relationship
Agreeing to Disagree: Overcoming Communication Conundrums in Relationships
5 Secrets to a Successful Long-Term Relationship or Marriage
Couples Can Communicate Without Anger
Couples and Marriage Counseling
Acknowledging and Accepting Your Mate
Other articles by Maud Purcell, LCSW, CEAP
- +++
I was happy to get this reply from Jimmy this morning:
Hi, babe. I just wanted to quickly say that I read this and I agree that we have to work on these things. I acknowledge most of it will take a better effort on my part and I am committed to making our relationship stronger. I do appreciate you and am interested in the things you say and share, and I apologize for not expressing my feelings in a way that it would be more apparent to you. I love you very much!
I’m going to read your other message about the marriage license now, so if there’s anything I need to do with that today, I will. I hope you have a good day!
Love,
Jimmy
+++I hope it all sinks in. I thanked him and told him I love him. I am sure he is frustrated with me or tired of me asking for more but I refuse not to tackle things that need to be fixed.
I want the best for our relationship and I won't remain quiet or allow myself to suffer/ be walked over or made to feel insignificant ever. I will stand up for myself always.
**Just a venting entry.
We are fine but we have issues like anyone else. This will indeed be NO NOTES. I do not need to get any notes that make me feel worse, cause me more stress, or make me more angry towards him. I do not need advice, I am already doing all I can. I just get tired of keeping it all inside + I have to vent thru writing otherwise I will go insane and the emotions will crush me.
I write entries like this very rarely becos I do not want my relationship with fiance dissected, picked apart, or put under a microscope.
