in recovery- have been very sick. [asthma]

i haven't been around or online all week because i have been in pretty bad shape all week b/t struggling to breathe - extreme tightness of chest to the point where all the muscles around my chest/back and my whole torso area has felt stiff / and possibly swollen/inflamed by the asthma symptoms and asthma attacks. to a point where it has been hard to move, eat, lay down, even pee. anything i have to exert energy into or anything that involves having to breathe including talk has been painful due to lack of air / oxygen to breathe because of tightness around lungs.

for those that don't know, asthma makes it where your air passages are almost virtually blocked. its like trying to breathe thru a straw and can feel like someone stepped on your chest and crushed your air passage. i often think of an example. imagine if your air conditioning vent was stepped on and crushed And how the air would barely be able to get through or out of the system. that's how it feels. then on top of that i began getting heart palpitations and fluttering, racing heart that felt so dangerously high.

i got scared to the point where more than one day i wanted to either call an ambulance or go to the emergency room because i was afraid i might die due to lack of air, not being able to breathe, and a racing heart that made me feel like having a heart attack. i assume the racing heart is a result of the medications i am on for asthma and coupled with anxiety in general.

so each and every day this week, in fact every second, minute, hour has been a struggle where i don't know how i can get thru the day or thru anything much longer. i haven't been able to even relax, read, watch tv, or do hobbies enjoyably the way you can when you are "sick" - at least if you have a cold or a flu you can usually lay down and watch tv to pass the miserable time or even read at some point but with asthma this isn't so.

everything that requires breathing feels like torture. including laying down to sleep because laying down worsens the tightness in the chest/lungs and blocks the air passages. and at the same time, my whole chest is so sore from struggling to breathe, that it has hurt to breathe and has been absolute suffering, misery and torture.

i am still not feeling that well but wanted to drop a quick entry to let everyone know i am alive but i am working on recovering and until the asthma attack has been fully treated and healed, i will need a break and not be able to write here. probably will be back and feeling better by the end of the week at the lastest- hopefully.

i should stress that this hasn't been a minor event as its affected every part of my life and jimmy too for which i feel bad over but have no conrol over. during this time, i've had to steer away from watching any tv that involves too much laughing as it only makes my chest tighter and less able to breathe, anything on tv that would trigger upset or fear/anxiety, anything in general in my daily life that evokes emotional upset. for instance, fighting and arguing with someone [with my fiance for instance] and getting upset will trigger my asthma to worsen.

emotional distress and upset effects asthma and worsens it so ive had to steer away from that but have had some arguments where my breathing got worse and i was crying because i was so upset and frustrated over the feeling i cant breathe or do anything and i feel tormented.

also, i have not been able to go anywhere much all week. i have gone grocery shopping twice but even that was difficult as going out in the humid weather or being in public seems to exacerbate the asthma. it is also completely triggered by hot and humid weather, allergens/pollen in the air and environmental elements which florida is full of esp during this season. it has not been a good week and i am looking forward to where i can breathe again and get past this, heal and recover. i have been really sick to the point where i am pretty much house ridden but even relaxing in my own place hurts and has kept me from doing much at all. because of the asthma attack, i am not able or allowed to even exercise or do aerobics due to the asthma.

i did see a doctor at an emergency walk in clinic on thurs evening and even though they were not supposed to give out prescriptions for asthma as it isn't a clinic that specifies in something that serious or in chronic disease which is what they categorize asthma as, the dr was young, exceptionally empathetic and kind and he believed me when i said i couldn't get a dr appt or anyone to take medicaid in tampa and he was very apologetic but stated the system was a mess and he was sorry i had to go thru this but he would give me the prescription i needed [which was advair, a preventative powder inhaler to go with albuterol for treatment of asthma attack and prevention of attack that i had run out of and precipitated the attack. he said going off of it likely triggered my asthma attack since that is around when it occurred]

in any case, the emergency clinician gave me enough for 2 refills after i filled it so that i could have enough time to find a primary care dr who can give me the full attention i need for something like asthma which needs regularly monitoring and to be consistently on medication. so, ive been taking advair and albuterol along with singulair everyday since seeing the dr. [i was taking the last two prior but it doesnt work much if you aren't also taking advair with it]

i think i will get better but its going slowly which is expected given i didn't get treatment until after a week of severe asthma attacks. i am just glad i didnt end up in the hospital or dead. there have been several times during the last almost two weeks where i was scared enough that i thought i might die from not being able to breathe. of course with my history of panic attacks and anxiety- it has been a challenge because not being able to breathe triggers intense panic and anxiety for someone like myself and someone with my chemical makeup/ background history.

this weekend i haven't been able to go anywhere outside of my apt. and i have felt bad as jimmy wanted to look at more houses [those two we bid on have contracts on them so its unlikely we will be able to get either of them] but it is so stressful and being in the heat in a tiny car for 4 to 6 hrs is the worst thing i could do when suffering from full blown asthma.

jimmy even said he wished we could go to the movie theater this weekend. i thought the same thing myself but sadly knew i am in no condition to go out to any public outing including a movie theater which would be a disaster and nitemare should i feel i absolutely cannot breathe in the theater and want to go home etc. he said he understood that but sadly its taken all week to get that across his mind as he isn't asthmatic and seems to sometimes ignorantly act like i should be able to just get over it.

- mind over matter? yeah, you can take that approach with many things but not when you're talking about asthma and breathing. being able to breathe is like life or death. this is serious and i am not going to take any chance with my health!!

i probably will stay house ridden for most of this week and work on just resting and recovering until next weekend, saving my energy and air for when we can go out house hunting again or anywhere that involves social stimulation. right now, i just want to get better and i don't want to die. if that means refraining from things that are pleasurable or stress inducing then i have to do it for myself.

i am praying for some relief as its been absolute hell and i can't even put it into words for those who have never experienced asthma but if anyone has ever had severe asthma, then they would understand precisely what i am talking about.

it really does suck because i realize i am going to be struggling with this for the rest of my life and there are going to be certain seasons like spring and summer where it is easily triggered and i have to be careful to avoid things that might trigger. this makes it feel like i am restricted and like i can't be like everyone else who is normal without asthma. and it certainly isnt helpful that jimmy doesn't have asthma, because i still don't think he fully understands what it's like and how asthma is a physical illness, and extremely hard to control esp when we live in a tropical climate that is one of the worst states in the United States when it comes to high allergy/pollen count and asthma.

anyway, if it doesn't fall thru, i have an appt this friday with a primary care dr at 11am. i am hoping by then i will be feeling better than today and that i can get things and my health in order and back on track. its hard to focus or concentrate on anything when i feel like this and can't even work on wedding details because focusing means exerting more breathing and its not something i have a lot of now. :(

I am upset but I can't fully tackle the problem or situation right now- over the fact that the psychiatrist we found for me covered by my medicaid/ united healthcare insurance was unexpectedly cancelled this past week. they claimed in their message they no longer accept medicaid. this, after calling about 30 drs who all said NO- they dont take my ins therefore i can't see them.

So now its back to the drawing board. this means a longer wait and no relief for anxiety, manic mood swings i experience. ive also run out of the tranquilizer which helped anxiey and helped me sleep more regularly and lessened my insomnia.

I cannot get that narcotic which is an anti anxiety (benzodiazepene) without a psychiatrist so i am screwed. This means intense insomnia will be back bigger and stronger and worse waves of anxiety because getting off that drug and having nothing to fall back on triggers withdrawal as ive been on it before and yes it is an addictive class of drugs and only prescribed to people [most of the time] who have severe anxiety and usually diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

I don't know what I am going to do or how I will find a dr. but I can't concentrate on that now. I have to focus on getting better physically and restoring my breathing- getting my asthma under control, first and foremost. it might be a month before i feel fully back to normal and it sucks :(((


i will say so long for now and will be back when i am feeling better. i hope everyone is doing well and i promise to catch up when i feel i've overcome this and am back in good enough health. until then, have a great remainder of a weekend everyone! :)

high anxiety, asthma, other preoccupations + wedding related ideas.

Last week I felt really swamped, we had something to do virtually everyday and Jimmy's 18 yr old nephew staying with us Thurs- Sat. After that I didn't even feel like doing anything or being social and have been too emotionally drained to do much of anything including log into my diary or write period. I will soon when I regain my energy.

It's just lately I've been drained and my asthma has been really bad, sometimes to the point I feel like going to an emergency room or dr. I can barely breathe even with taking the albuterol inhaler :/ And someone has been letting their outdoor cat spray all over their patio or something because when I go out on our patio lately [the past month] you can smell pneumonia like urine all over our own outdoor patio as if it is permeated with that smell and that smell alone triggers an asthma attack. it totally sucks and the heat is driving me insane.

Right now, both Jimmy and I have been reading this book we bought at borders by Jon Krakauer- its called Under the banner of Heaven. Its compelling but disturbing about the mormons and polygamist sects which is tied to a true murder of a mother and child, so it's a true crime book but it has a lot of history and background on the fundamentalist mormons [the ones who practice polygamy and engage frequently in incest like the one that was all over the news a few mos ago where the kids were taken away. It's really quite twisted and sick how this religion is and sounds more like a cult than a religion.]

Other than that, we got a few samples of wedding invitation styles from Invitations by Dawn, three. We aren't sure if we want to go with them though as we are waiting for a few samples from David's Bridal of wedding invite styles and there's this one website called tinyprints.com I want to investigate that Jimmy's friend Colleen sent a card from for her baby announcement that is really nice quality. I went on the site and noticed there are wedding invitations to choose from by them also and want to look into the tinyprints site more before making a decision on wedding invites. We are going to be looking at them together and then we'll make a decision based on both of our opinions.

We also borrowed a wedding vow book that was written by Jimmy's parents cousin, which has some nice ones for the wedding vow, ring vow and blessings. There are some beautiful ones and I'm waiting to see if Jimmy likes the ones I picked out or if he'd rather have a different one before finalizing the decision and emailing the words we want for our ceremony to the minister.

These were the ones I liked- they are simple but romantic, and meaningful with metaphors.


For Wedding Ceremony- from book, these are the ones I liked most:

WEDDING VOW

[below is my most favorite and only favorite as there was nothing else to me that was as beautiful as the one below. this particular vow is probably a fairly traditional style of wedding vow but i prefer this one the most out of everything because all the words are completely indicative of what marriage and love should include and involve.]

I, Jimmy, take you, April, to be my partner in life./ I promise to walk by your side forever,/ and to love, help and encourage you/ in all you do./ I will take time to talk with you,/ listen to you,/ and to care for you./ I will share your laughter and your tears/ as your partner, lover, and best friend./ Everything I am and everything I have is yours/ now and forevermore.

I, April, give myself to you, Jimmy,/ on this our wedding day./ I will cherish our friendship,/ and love you today, tomorrow and forever./ I will trust you and honor you./ I will love you faithfully/ through the best and worst,/through the difficult and the easy./ What may come, I will be there always./ As I have given you my hand to hold,/ so I give you my life to keep.


Ring Exchange Vows [either number one or two]:

1. April, this ring is a token of my love./ I marry you with this ring,/ with all that I have and all that I am.

Jimmy, I will forever wear this ring/ as a sign of my commitment/ and the desire of my heart.

OR-

2. You are more precious to me today than yesterday,/ and you will be more cherished tomorrow than you are today./ Please wear this ring/ as a symbol of my eternal love for you,/ a love that transcends all of our yesterdays,/ all of our todays,/ and all of our tomorrows.

Prayers/Blessings [i think Jimmy preferred no. one and thought the second one was a little tacky]

1. May God bless you with Hope enough to keep sunshine in your love, and Fear enough to keep you holding hands in the dark; Unity enough to keep your roots entwined, and Separation enough to keep you reaching for each other; Harmony enough to keep romance in your song, and Discord enough to keep you tuning your love so it becomes sweet music to all who may hear it.

OR-

2. May these two rings symbolize the spirit of undying love in each of your hearts. Wherever you go, may you always return to one another in your togetherness. May the home you establish be such a place of peace and joy that many will find there a friend. May your love for each other be as a pebble dropped in a pond of water. Like the ripples in the water that cross and recross one another's, may your love touch and retouch all those around you throughout your life together.

+++

Aside from all this- I've been struggling with asthma and this past week was bad and today is still bad. My dr appt with a new primary physician isn't til June 27th and I couldn't make it sooner due to being a new patient and them being booked. But I am now anxiously counting down the days because Ive run out of advair which helped the asthma and chest tightness a lot and only have an inhaler of albuterol which just doesnt seem to help much and is only supposed to be used for emergencies. Right now I am using it everyday according to prescription because I can barely breathe and the humid weather has triggered my asthma.

I also have a dental filling this Friday. and then a psychiatrist appt July 11th, I think.

All these appts are nerve wracking but necessary and I'm dreading this week because I am about to run out of the tranquilizer I have been taking by my last dr. for two months now and I am going to be in trouble when I run out since its helped my anxiety immensely and made me able to sleep at nite and avoid intense insomnia. Without it, I am destined for being up all nite, being anxious and not getting any good restful sleep. I am worried/stressed over that and will have to struggle/suffer til the July appt and even then I cannot guarantee that dr [who will be new to me] will even prescribe the tranquilizer I was put on. Unfortunately I've become dependent on it as I've tried taking benadryl and other herbal sleep drugs for years, none of them worked. Only the tranquilizer [lorazepam] worked. :/

The anxiety about the above thing occurring is overwhelming and dreadful. I have 8 anxiety pills left and am prescribed three a day as needed. I usually take b/t two and three a night and it takes the edge off of my anxiety, manic feelings. What am I going to do when I run out? I am screwed and it IS stressing me out.

I hope to god that new psychiatrist will re-prescribe the benzodiazepene for me OR at least put me on an anti-anxiety medication. I already know it is a given I will have to be put back on a low dosage of depakote and I am less than thrilled but I know no other way to gain control of mood swings or restabilize myself. :/ I promise to catch up as soon as I am feeling better than this.
I woke up having an asthma attack this morning triggered by Jimmy's perfume and hairspraying. He uses both a lot and I asked him last year to use his hairspray in the bathroom separate from our master bedroom because that is how much it bothers my breathing and he has done that ever since but he always sprays perfume in our bedroom and they are very strong scents he wears.

When my asthma is not bothering me or it is a season where I feel less bothered by allergies, I can handle it. But, I am not able to handle it right now because of this past week's INTENSE asthma troubles that have not gone away at all. I know it sounds silly if you've never had asthma in your life as I don't think Jimmy entirely gets it, but when my asthma is bad or present, anything will trigger it especially very strong scents of anything whether it be perfume, hairspray, fabric softener or highly scented candles. among many other things.

I was upset when I was triggered this morning but I don't think Jimmy completely understood it is because I am struggling to keep the asthma under control and it is feeling really bad right now. It felt a little better yesterday but is back to being worse than ever because of the perfume trigger this morning and I barely slept. He apologized and I know it was not on purpose but I got irritated since Ive many a time explained to him what asthma involves and sent him many articles on what triggers it.

I just want to be able to breathe but my chest has been so tight today and almost everyday in the past week. :/