one step closer to unity + marriage-

[written november 7, 2008]

By the way, getting our marriage license was really special. I will always remember November 7, 2008 the day we technically signed for our license and took our court vow!

It feels magical since i love november and 7 is my favorite number in the entire world. there was a cute couple next to us - probably close to our age, the guy seemed foreign and I couldn't place his accent and wondered if it was european- than later Jimmy told me they were Israeli and I'd have never guessed. I am not so good at determining the more exotic nationalities I suppose and suck at recognizing distinct accents. I know, I know... I am not very educated when knowing what accent is which.

Anyway, my fiance turned to them to say congratulations. the male said thank you apparently touched and the woman smiled at the two of us and said, the same wishes to you. Both had this very indie college like feel to them, people that looked like we would have a lot in common with them in terms of art, film, music and hip things such as that. It was pretty cool and neat!

The guy had been laughing with the person filling out the marriage license as he wasn't sure if he should put down caucasian or not, i am not sure now why he said this. maybe he didn't know what it meant? he did have a strong accent but on first glance, [quick] i actually thought he was german or belgian, something european and not very dark in color either, more fair skinned. It was amusing, and everyone laughed including us.

Recently - Jimmy asked if I put down caucasian or white for my race as I am mixed and I was completely shocked of that question as ever since a child, teenager and college student, I was always told to put down white or caucasian. In fact on early documents as a baby or child, that is what my parents recorded me as. Even though my mother is from the Philippines and I am half filipino [my father is white/ caucasian by the way for those unaware or new to my diary :) ]

But in this day and age where ethicity - even mixed ethnicity- is so common and there is a need to express our origins- there are so many different things you could put and I am always overwhelmed and confused by it all.

Because I was born in America and because I was raised 'white' and perceived 'white' for much of my life, by parents, by society, by school, by peers, by everyone. I sometimes feel as though I don't fit in anywhere. There is no box to check off, yes my father is white and american but my mother is filipino originating from another country but has also been a US citizen all of my life and so she is truly americanized, so Americanized that sometimes I forget that she wasn't born here!

I feel like there really is no box for people who are mixed and raised american. It's like you are either fully ethnic or fully american/white- I feel like there's no inbetween, too many areas of gray. They need to change things, those little boxes for those of us who fall in between the lines!


So anyway, after completing our marriage license papers, signing all of them and taking our marriage oath with person administering our license, we walked out feeling new and special and closer than before.


We held hands as we left the office and kissed each other down the long empty hallway, feeling giddy and happy. I joked with jimmy that now we are legally husband and wife. Jimmy put his arm around me saying i am finally a "his last name". and i said, yes and smiled. And, now I am your wife and you are my husband- my turtle, my stone, my solid rock to hold on to forever. and then I kissed him and held him tight. We exchanged 'I love you's' right then.

It was a tender moment and a romantic time that I will NEVER forget.

A New Day Dawning

Initial thoughts, jotted notes of excitement and inspiration after watching the 2008 American Presidential Election take place last night. I used this condensed summary of feeling and thought to write the entry previous to this.

I was so inspired, moved and thrilled that at first I was almost unable to come up with the words. If you've ever been speechless due to something so wonderful and awe inspiring- watching walls come down and history being made right before your very eyes, then surely you will understand this.

My notes:

//Barack Obama//

44th president of United States of America

Amazing + Powerful

Transformative + Moving

Beautiful speech

Let's celebrate and Rise from the Ashes, America!

What a surreal, dream like, miraculous moment!

So euphoric much like New Year's Eve, it feels something like the New Year!

The Rebirth of Cool.

A new day is dawning, indeed!

While we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism and doubt and those who tell us we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes We Can.


Barack Obama

President-Elect of the United States of America

More 'Hope' Quotes

(With every best wish to America's next president.)


Remember This One?

"Fear less, hope more;

Whine less, breathe more;

Talk less, say more;

Hate less, love more;

And all good things are yours."

- Swedish Proverb

---

I sent what I wrote on the election to both my parents, brother and fiance via email.

These were the replies I got today thus far.


From Mom-

I enjoyed reading your letter and how involved and excited you are. We tried getting you excited before but you were not interested. It took a loved one like Jimmy to get you into it. We watched it till one am and it was very exciting. I have to admit seeing Grant Park made it more meaningful. It almost felt like we were there.

Your dad is always politically involved and made me one too. I am proud to say that we have the same feelings when it comes to that. I am happy that we are not against each other like some couples I heard.


I am going to work with the hope and enthusiasm that you have infused into me. Yes, things are looking up for the better and with God's help America will continue to be great and beautiful.


Love,

Mom

From Dad-

Your mom and I stayed up til after midnight watching it. I have WGN so I was also watching what was going on in Grant park.

dad

From my brother - one closest to me who resides in SF:

It is amazing! People here were so excited that there was cheering everywhere when he won. On Mike's street people came out of bars and of their homes to celebrate. So many people that they closed down the street and there was a huge street party. It really is amazing!


From Jimmy [my fiance]-

Hi, babe. This is an outstanding piece of writing! It almost brought tears to my eyes again. It felt so good waking up knowing that we are finally going to have a President that cares about us. Everybody around here seems to be in good spirits, too. I really hope that Obama comes through and gets us out of this mess as much as he can, which would hopefully solidify his chances of winning again in 2012. The last thing I want after this four years is another Republican in office, like Bloomberg (the mayor of NY), Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee or Sarah Palin (God forbid). I feel that the tide is changing and next election there will be even more young voters that are open-minded and will be inspired to change the world.


I was in the middle of writing this and got interrupted, so I'm just replying now. I have a bunch of things going on today as registration is starting tomorrow and have to get back to it. Hope you have a good day and I'll see you in a few hours!


Love,
Jimmy

+++

(jimmy after attending Obama's May 2008 rally right here in tampa. i took this of him with his new shirt at the time, it is sure moving to heart when looking back since we've been invested in this political race from day ONE!)

these are some personal pix from my own cAmera which jimmy took at the rally as well [i was not with him]

Barack Obama Makes History + Breaks Down Barriers!!

(in praise of Barack Obama)

I've never felt as politically involved or as patriotic as I do tonight. The anticipation felt while watching the states and electorial votes pile up for Barack Obama was so exciting! We started watching at seven pm eastern time thru MSNBC so we would not miss a thing. We watched til after one am eastern time. We watched the crowd and speeches which were so incredibly moving and beautiful.
Even more moving were the people in the crowd [with TEARS in their eyes, crying. Jesse Jackson crying and later at the speech, Oprah crying] at Grant Park in Chicago [a place I am familiar with because I used to live there]. Our friend in chicago, called us briefly from Grant Park to tell us he was there. This made everything even more exciting!
Watching the people as they announced Obama to be the next President of the United States was something to behold and when this was revealed, it was one of the most touching displays in my entire life and both my fiance and I were in complete awe. I felt myself holding my breath and touching my heart. It was monumental. Even jimmy got tears in his eyes.

I got all choked up thinking what this will mean for society, the world, human rights, banishing prejudice and racism, conquering oppression. This is one of the reasons why I felt so moved. I knew what the people crying must be thinking and feeling. I felt so moved by watching them.

How FAR our world has come! It is both amazing and awe inspiring to watch any form of oppression disintegrate. But this one, I can feel, is going to be especially significant to a great many people who deserve THIS. It's so rewarding and refreshing to see these old ways falling into the cracks and people uniting to take a stand and make a change that could effect the whole world.

Finally, we don't have to look to our leader as a joke and with utter disdain and anger, anymore. Finally we can have a President whom we can see as a role model and can inspire our hearts and minds. Someone who isn't the butt of every single joke or story we see him in through news and media. It almost seems weird NOT to laugh or get pissed off at our President [Bush] seeing the long and blinding road he has taken us down and the damage he has inflicted upon our nation.

It feels like our country finally has a chance. I am proud to say that I voted for Barack Obama, was never undecided, and knew since the start of the campaign who I was voting for and who I believed in.

I cannot even express how happy I am, how happy both my fiance and I are over the final outcome! Obama even won our state which was pretty surprising due to the fact that this state tends to be overrun/controlled by Republicans!

I will never forget this day or the beautifully crafted speech Obama gave upon learning of his victory. I kept thinking through it all, 'I can't believe it really has happened. I can't believe this is happening. Seems too good to be true." It felt something like a dream, surreal, unreal. I mean, I had faith Obama would win but based on past elections, I felt uncertain what the turn out would be as in the past things seemed more than a bit fishy and corrupt.

That said, this was positively a joyous end to a wonderfully exciting and heated presidential campaign. What an amazing victory and a powerful night!

This will be transformative for our nation. It's time to join hands, unite as one people, and move forward together towards a brighter light.
I have never felt so touched in my life especially in regard to politics. This was extremely significant to all of our lives. It's about breaking down barriers, removing the shame of Bush so we can have pride in our country again and it is most definitely a history making moment that most will never forget. Obama's presence, depth, wisdom gives us something to believe in. It's time to rebuild our nation from the bottom up. Rise from the ashes, America. Hope is here now and it's time to change our world for the better!

Yes, We CAN!

Vote for America today, the land of liberty!

Don't forget to Vote today for America, the land of liberty!

We will certainly be watching all the live coverage on the election tonight!

So exciting!!!

[poster/sticker from fiance's work/uni]

What Your Soul Sings

Don't be afraid

Open your mouth and say

Say what your soul sings to you

Your mind can never change

Unless you ask it to

Lovingly re-arrange

The thoughts that make you blue

The things that bring you down

Only do harm to you

And so make your choice joy

The joy belongs to you

And when you do

You'll find the one you love is you

You'll find you

Love you

Don't be ashamed no

To open your heart and pray

Say what your soul sings to you

So no longer pretend

That you can't feel it near

That tickle on your hand

That tingle in your ear

Oh ask it anything

Because it loves you dear

It's your most precious king

If only you could hear

And when you do

You'll find the one you need is you

You'll find you

Love you



-Massive Attack

foundations + revelations- [nostalgic moment]

i was feeling rather nostalgic, last nite and so i started tripping back down thru memory lane. i always go back to the beginning of the foundation of things. my origins. this time i found myself tripping back to the start of my relationship with jimmy which formed back in 2006. he is now the man i will marry in the next month.

once i started reading, i couldn't stop. pretty soon i was hit full-on with the emotions, like i was back in that place and it was 2006 again. a barrage of feeling- giddy-ness, happy and excited, full of desire, want and need, yet always analytical, insecure, anxious. i tried to remain hopeful whenever i wrote about him and the possibility of love and a future because i felt it was the only way to go.

these two entries i will repost and share here really do preserve a moment in time that covers everything from what was happening in both of our lives to music and film, and significant markers of that time period and when we first found each other and love was an adventure, very terrifying because i could really lose and i had been emotionally 'totalled' and shattered with the last hand ful of men i had been with. wasn't sure this falling thru would not be the final end of me. meaning - i'd been broken into pieces so many times by men, i feared that this failing would break me forever and would kill me. if it ended badly. i think he was always aware of this aspect of my fragile personality- its evident by the way he took care of me and by the words i spoke of him.

i shared this with him today. and he just called me on the phone to tell me, thank you, and that he had read it, and it was really nice. he told me he was almost unable to get thru the entire thing without breaking into tears. he was not able to go into great detail but i felt from his few words he was moved. he told me it was emotional and he felt it, and remembered all of it too. he didn't give much insight into his thoughts but he did emphasize several times, it made me, you made me feel really good - really good about myself. so i know that it moved the way i wanted it to move within him.

reading and remembering, feeling it all, well that was a precious gift and i felt an abundance of feeling when reading my own words, it was so touching and sweet. i felt the best gift would be to give him my words and my heart. in essence it was all there. if love wasn't evident back then, i don't know what was.

after reading the initial first thoughts uncensored from my own diary, i am sure he realizes now the importance of words and the memories that they form and what it really means to me, to write, record, and immortalize those feelings, memories, experiences - forever.

i am sure after i shared my heart with jimmy, there is absolutely no doubt in him that i've always seen the good in him and that all the key things i wrote about back then were the things that built the love i feel for him now.

foundations are important. we must not ever forget.

my email to him below:

Hi sweetie-

[prelude to what I am sharing with you and what it entails is below - please read on, thanks!]

In retrospect, I was looking back at things I wrote when we first began dating. I came across my first two entries about you when we began seeing each other. They are very telling about the way I felt and thought back then, my fears, worries, insecurities are also very clear, things I didn't openly admit to you.

The way I write is the way I think/feel in a relationship. I am much more open about my emotions and feelings with you NOW but that is because I feel there is security in the relationship now, but back then and for a long time [prior to living together], I didn't because I didn't really know where I really stood with you therefore my security in the relat. was not very solid and I was scared/anxious most of the time esp. previous to asking you if you loved me and to tell me if you did or not etc. [approx over 9 mos into relationship]

These two entries [medium length, not in depth or long] should not make you uncomfortable. I think it shows my heart, that it shows the way I am deeply nostalgic, the way I care, and also I feel it is sweet, it reveals thoughts of you and hopes towards you and a future...

It is a reflection of things happening and forming between us that really do lock a memory forever in time. I am grateful, so grateful that I am a writer and that I did take time to record what I did here. Reading this took me back and made me remember and feel everything all over again. I revel in remembering and feeling. That's why this is so important to me, even now.

This was in jumbled rambling without paragraph break sentences because back then I didn't write as much and felt so overwhelmed emotionally, I often had no energy to write about life or my relationship. I can still be this way but not to this extent. This isn't a good example of my typical writing but these were written right after you dropped me off on these weekends, before bed when I was often exhausted but pushed myself to write, not wanting to forget anything.

I just wanted to capture my memories with you before they faded. I was on a lot of meds then and drinking quite a bit, and I sometimes could feel my mind slipping. I know NOW that a lot of my memories from that time are erased due to excessive use of tranquilizers etc.

If not for this preservation of memory in diary form, I might not remember all the details although the majority of this I remember like the back of my hand. I think its touching / moving/ insightful/ strange/amusing and makes me blush to re-read this. because all my insecurities are so open and my true feelings are revealed in here without reservation.

Also NOTICE the amount of times i mention SEX and LOVE. both were most on my mind and things i love most. i think what you see here and what you know of me now is pretty consistent to a lot of the detail shared in these writings, altho i recognize ways in which i have changed and grown.

I hope sharing this with you means something to you and it touches your heart in some way, maybe provides insight into a part of me you have never seen or known yet. I am one of those people who enjoys knowing what someone thought of me in the beginning but didn't say and I find it fascinating.

I feel like most people enjoy this kind of thing and I also feel it brings two people closer to share this sort of stuff. It is about a memory and the start of our relationship together, that alone holds great significance because its solely about my heart in all of its fragility and vulnerability and how much i thought about you as well as my depth of feeling for you.

I admit that for a very long time, it was hard that i was unable to share how i truly felt about you- with you- it was excruciating and painful [not to make you feel guilty, but it just was what it was- painful not to express emotion towards you and to not know you felt anything for me].

I'm glad that is no longer something i have to wonder over. the feelings in here are pure and i think you can really tell how delicate i am inside. and scared.

When you read this, you may also notice and remember how nurturing you were with me based on the things I share in these posts, and also how emotionally nurturing you were towards me in the beginning even if you didn't necessarily express direct feelings or emotions even.

It seemed based on these writings I wrote, you were very reassuring - coaxed me knowing my insecurity, fear and hurt inside, and protected, took care of me. I think in the beginning you were this way but notice and recall months later you began to pull back emotionally from the relationship which both confused upset and terrified me.

At one point you were talking of it not working and it felt you were looking to leave or flee the relationship. I remember this being around when you went to Seattle and was gone for two weeks and often didn't call or write when you promised you would.

I think the push and pull in the relationship only kept me more invested in you and our relationship and made me fight harder to keep your interest in me, wish for your love. all of this tug of war and push and pull, memories of how nurturing and 'loving' you were towards me in the beginning of dating as seen in the below entries-- is probably what encouraged me to not give up on you and our relationship and also simultaneously cemented my emotional attachment towards you and deeper development of feelings of love, with you, although i could never reveal this to you when it all began and it sucked that i couldn't be honest for a long time since i am someone who doesnt believe in hiding feelings or keeping things inside.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this. I hope you find it interesting and even endearing, at the very least. I couldn't help but want you to read this, especially when we are taking such a big step together in the next month.

I hope you don't think it is silly and it would mean EVERYTHING to me if you wanted to read this and felt something thru reading it. I hope you like it. It is very emotional but in a good way that should move your heart on many different levels. I think everyone should look back every now and then and take the time to remember how it all began.

Foundations are important because somewhere in the midst of it all, that is when love was formed and created between us. I'd like to know when you have taken the time to read this and hear what you think. Hope you get something out of it :)

I love you-
April

+++

[ the past diary entries posted will be posted now - will update more currently later in week as i've felt extremely emotionally swamped this week, and have been too overwhelmed to write about more current things in life. second, i am struggling with an asthma attack which was kicked up last nite but started days ago when the weather unexpectedly went from HOT to COLD. i mean went from using the air on high sat/sun to having NO air on and even the heat on in the past two days. my system doesnt adjust well, my chest is extremely tight-constricted- hurts, breath is shallow and inhaler/advair is ineffective at this point. i feel congested. i also take zyrtec-d - BUT it's not making a dent either! anyway this is just a sort of emotional interlude and nostalgic share in b/t current events, for now. it's nice to take a break from current life every now and then and that's precisely the mood i am in right now :) ]

read on for the entries that are directly referred to in this actual entry.

[tripping back down memory lane]

---

HERE are the entries I wrote about him in the beginning:

Tuesday January 10, 2006

jan 6th-

he picked me up. on friday nite. had foods i loved. tapioca pudding and some soups because i was sick and took care of me. we watched me and you and everyone we know which my brother got my for xmas and he had seen but enjoyed so didnt mind seeing it again with me.

we both were very tired so ended up falling asleep towards the end but it was cos i was sick, cos i knew i'd love the whole film and would've if i had stayed awake- i have to rewatch it by myself because i missed parts- it was unique and off the wall funny in different parts.

that nite was the first time we had sex. i don't think he wanted to have sex so soon with me but think he couldn't control it because he knew i wanted to have sex so badly and i made him want it too. it was exquisite. fell asleep after. woke up, had sex again. watched some tv, then watched a radiohead live in astoria dvd he got from netflix, pretty good, fell asleep and napped together.

i woke up in the afternoon and got ready to go to the mall with him. picked up starbucks which he didnt allow me to pay for and looked at a few clothing stores for me (he wanted to buy me something but i didn't see anything i wanted even with the xmas money i had so i decided not to get anything)

it was so sweet that he wanted to buy me clothing though. i've never had a guy want to do that- he told me a little before we went to the mall he wanted to buy me something when we went there and i could pick it out and i felt so special. i felt like i didnt deserve it and didnt want him to waste his money on me! i was almost scared for him to buy me something- i dont know, because i think i feel like he's already given me so much and i don't know why he wanted to give me more?

anyway, i was so indecisive, he saw that it would be hard to buy clothing for me without me being there to choose it with him and mentioned that when we were browsing. i just felt so picky and i wasn't feeling well still so i wasnt in my best shopping mindset which sucked. we looked at: charlotte russe and gap. and then he wanted to look quickly at hot topic.

afterwards, we decided we were hungry and got chinese for lunch at the mall (westshore plaza) and ate in the food court. it was fairly good and we had good conversation. he brought up about teaching me to drive in the future and said if we were still together for a while he would help me learn to drive and get a car so i'd be able to get to places i needed to when necessary. i thought it was a good sign that he sees me in his future as something potentially permanent and serious.

when we got home, he decided to show me the film by stanley kubrick eyes wide shut- with nicole kidman and tom cruise which was bizarre, eerie and eccentric, well acted and great underlying theme of the idea that these people were living in a fantasy world, a facade of sorts, with their eyes closed, and that they needed to open them and wake up, to see what was right in front of them, and appreciate what they had in real life, to not take what they had for granted and to appreciate life. kind of like american beauty's message. my bf is a big fan of kubrick's films and woody allen films so he had been telling me a lot about those films and wanting to share them with me.

after the film, he let me sleep and rest for a while because i was still sick and just very run down and i slept next to him. he slept a little but woke up before me and did stuff while i was sleeping or watched some tv. then he made us both huge baked potatoes and we watched part of Grease (both our favorite film growing up- we idolized it similarly and like to sing the songs in it, also. he says him and his bros used to perform it for his parents. we really have a lot in common)..i believe we ended up having sex before going out that nite. then i showered.

he planned to take me to this beautiful light show with music at his work in downtown tampa that was on like every hour that nite. so we went to that though it was freezing out, like chicago cold and we were dressed like we lived in chicago lol and numb from the cold.

we took pics of the lights and he took some of me alone and a few of us together. it was pretty fun even though i was a little sick and it was so cold. then we drove back after spending an hour doing that. had some soup. watched sat nite live together. had a drink. put in a movie- broken flowers and then ended up having sex and going to sleep afterwards.

sunday we lazed around the house by watching some tv - he made us cinammon rolls for breakfast and then in the afternoon poltergeist was on and we watched it and fell asleep together on the couch during it. after it, we had sex again.

i showered to get ready to go home, and he made me a quick dinner for him and i before he took me back - of fettuncini alfredo and we watched grease again together and that was the last thing we saw on screen together when we walked out the door to go back to my house. it was a good weekend, depsite my sickness. our first time - becoming real lovers and fully having sex. so it was memorable and emotional. we both had a hard time expressing it though and are still going slow with this part of it, sharing emotions.

the weekend of january 13th 2006-

my bf picked me up in the evening- i was so drowsy from benadryl that for a few hrs at his place i kept falling asleep and passing out before we left to go to a club when we were laying next to each other on the couch watching tv shows and a dvd- i remember him kissing me too and not having energy to respond much and being shy and he asked me if i liked kissing as if maybe i didn't and i told him i did and felt bad because it had nothing to do with him, it was the benadryl making me unable to stay awake and my shyness.

i have a hard time making the first move when we kiss or inititate anything of a sexual nature. i think he wants me to be more assertive so he knows i desire him and feels good but i don't know how to be and am scared most of the time.

i'm trying to push myself to try harder but its difficult. i'm passive aggressive deep down. and can only be sexually assertive when i am very drunk or on something that relaxes me enough to make me lose control and lose all inhibition or fear. so, anyway, then we went out to czar, i had about three drinks. i finally woke up!

they played some good songs and so we danced for the first time and it was so emotional the way we held each other and arousing. i was a bit drunk and turned on and so it was easy to dance with him and get close.

i most remember how soon is now? by smiths playing and thinking that is exactly how i feel and the way i think both him and i think and i was thinking how this was meant to be, and how we were meant to be together and felt it was some slight sign.

we didn't stay too long because he was tired but it was ok because we had such a good time together anyway ..when we got home, i was drunk, trashed. i was also on my period. all i remember is laying with him on the couch and being so high on euphoria and aroused-- making out, playing with each other, then we went to the bedroom, after he got a towel to put down and lay me on it since i had my period and we were having sex. i don't remember it making a difference or feeling like it felt like my period, i hardly remember anything except feeling so good during sex and that we both came and collapsed on each other and fell asleep nude on top of each other for a bit and then must've changed into a pj top and underwear when i was half unconscious or half asleep/half drunk. because the next morning, i didnt remember dressing myself or putting it on and he said i had done it myself but we had passed out into sleep for a while before getting dressed.

the following day, we got up in the day. watched the bill murray (jim jarmusch film)- broken flowers- eccentric humor but interesting. then had to get ready to go out to do his car thing that day.

it was very windy and not a great day. he had to go to a car dealer to get a new battery so we went to university square mall and he dropped it off while we went in the mall and found a restaurant to eat at, Ruby Tuesday's for lunch. i can't remember what i had at this time.

so much has happened during these wkends and i haven't been writing that i cant keep up with it all. so much great stuff and emotion is seeping thru me and i can't pour it out fast enough and at the same time am holding on to it (or holding back) to make it stay special and to not jinx the fact that i might really have something here, something true and destined to be great in the future, something with him. i'm hoping i'm not wrong on that count. but i just feel he is the one. and i know its fast.

he doesnt believe in saying the L word right away and it takes him time to say it because he wants to mean it. i respect and admire it but it also makes me a little scared but he is doing it the healthy way. so i am not vocal about my emotions to him right now when it comes to "love"- i know i am falling in love with him. i can even say that i love him right now and it is developing and will get stronger and that this is real and what i feel is the truth and may take time, but i feel it already inside. i think i love him already but before i knew this, i knew from the first meeting that i wanted to love him and i wanted him to love me back.

i don't know what will happen because he is different in that he admittedly doesn't express 'love' right off the bat and that kind of thing takes him a long time to say which im guessing is because he wants it to be genuine and to be certain of himself. we'll see.

before bed, he put in eternal sunshine..cos he wanted me to watch it. he was tired so fell asleep during it. i watched the whole thing with him lying next to me holding me though. it was very sad in parts and i saw both characters in me (and even in him) i related it to us in a way (without the break up part)- just our personas. her impulsive ways and belief that she was just a fucked up girl was like the way i've viewed myself for a long time. and his introverted ways and diary writing of feelings, melancholy were a lot like another side of me too.

i went to sleep after it. i think we didnt have sex again until morning before i left because he was so tired and had to leave to go to his parents house for the holiday. he had to get up early sun. and take me home in the morning because he promised to go there for the holiday. but then, it ended up we didnt leave til afternoon.

in the car, he told me not to worry about anything and that he'd write me and things were going good between us and he didnt want me to feel insecure. he walked me to the door, helped carry my things, waited for me to open the door, then hugged me and said he had a good time with me. i said i felt the same and thanked him. he told me he would email me later and i thanked him and told him to drive safe.

it was hard to walk in that house, shut the door behind, without him following me, knowing i won't be seeing him for another weekend and it will be a long wk to get thru before that comes and just feeling overwhelmed with the fact that i miss him and already feel so much but can't tell him. out of fear he will get scared, reject me, or lose interest the closer i let him get inside of me. so, i don't know.

he treats me well and when i freak out over insecurity he is there right away to talk it out, soothe and fix things. he is reasonable, hasn't ever gotten angry at me or raised his voice at me or spoken in a way that would be felt as if i'm wrong, crazy, or irrational. he really listens and tries to be respectful and thoughtful always. he is the best.

i have to write more later, my medication is making me fall asleep at the desk.

later.

SO busy and all the latest going on with me!

Life is so crazy right now- been SUPER busy with finishing touches on wedding which is in upcoming November month. and my birthday is this saturday, day after halloween. past wkend between being swamped with little wedding details, the stress of fking trainwreck florist Laurie- been exhausted and overwhelmed. called us to RUIN our saturday morning/day to tell us she had spoken with HEAD FLORIST [funny how the past six mos she represented herself as the EXPERT IE. HEAD florist and LED us on to believe she is something she is NOT]

In any case, she now told us, weeks before OUR wedding- that the head florist CANNOT do ALL colors we chose for reception [yellow, light green, and melon-red colored orchids] have to be fucking changed because florist says they do not match our lilac color in the wedding [my dress is ivory and bridesmaids are lilac]

Jimmy handled it all for us on the telephone and kept his cool but he is about to go off the deep end too and my mom almost wanted to just find another florist at the last minute because Laurie is that disruptive and stressful to everyone and because she is starting to get nervous this flightly Laurie is going to screw up our wedding and waste 500 plus dollars of her hard earned money. i could tell she is feeling as anxious as i am. we've revised our own plan but wont be able to discuss with laurie til nov. 9th and we KNOW she will make it hard no matter how organized we are because she is consistent about making us start from scratch and not allowing us to just tell her what we want and to be decisive in our decisions.

Laurie is so neurotic that she makes you go thru every single detail to assure herself she is not going to fuck your wedding up. i have about had it to HERE with her and when we do see her, if she tries to inflict more doubt, uncertainty in the choices we make- i am going to go off on her and tell her simply, this is what we want and this is what we are paying you for, so please just do it and stop making everything more complicated than it needs to be. this is ridiculous.

I will be reporting her ASAP after this wedding is over, btw, to the appropriate manager at Publix. No way is she getting off on this so she can ruin someone else's wedding in the future. she is completely incompetent in her role as 'event planner' and does not belong in the job title she is currently in and needs major training in customer skills although I believe it is a mental defect in how she treats others and she is so neurotic and all over the place, that she does not belong in a job that involves leadership, customer service, assertiveness or in catering to a person's special day.

The appropriate head people NEED to be aware of her inability to perform her job or remain professional. I expect her to challenge our decisions of floral and colors on our nov. 9th appt.

We will print and bring the ones we found online [i'll share pix of these at end of entry below] because we simply do NOT want to email her our ideas cos she will just ASK more stupid questions and waste more of our time on the phone, cause more stress and really I would like to fking enjoy my 37th bday this coming saturday and want NO part of laurie in my life this week. Everytime I think about her, I get pissed off. I do not have the patience to deal with her right now. I am fed up.

***Here are the orchid colors we are considering and hope we can come to an amicable consensus b/t laurie and head florist as I dont have much energy left to contend with our choices NOT being good enough.

I hardly think I LACK the visual sense of what colors go with what and knowing how to put colors together. That is one of my best skills and fashion is something I have always considered as a career because that is how good I am at style and color so it REALLY insults me when someone suggests that the color flowers I chose do not go wtih the colors in my wedding not to mention the fact that I thought we HIRED her and are paying her to do our wedding. Doesn't that mean that we have total say in what we want and that what we say goes??!! I feel like these people act like they are the customers and we are the ones working for them. I just don't get it.

Phalaenopsis Orchids >

Doritaenopsis Ruey Lih Beauty "M"





Phalaenopsis Orchids >


Phalaenopsis Sogo David





Dendrobium Orchids >


Dendrobium Nestor "Nagata"




Cymbidium Orchids >

Cymbidium Meglee "Miss Taipei"




Cymbidium Orchids >


Cymbidium Lady Fire "Red Angelica"




Cymbidium Orchids >

Cymbidium Dorothy Stockstill "Forgotten Fruits" with Two Flower Stems




Cymbidium Orchids >


Cymbidium Waltz "Romance"

PS.

BTW, I have the bridal shower pix finally but haven't had any time to upload and share here. Will later when I can find some time! Also had dinner with parents and visited on wkend and took a few photos over there on Saturday. Will share and post at a later date.

New things or upcoming:

1- Marriage License appt is November 7th for the two of us. we cant believe how fast everything is going and it is really an emotionally warming/moving experience to realize that by the end of November I will be his wife and him my husband :D

2- his coworkers which are predominantly female [most i've met and are nice, always tell me what a nice guy he is and such a great catch cos he is so polite and ultimate helpful boss/worker with them] want to hold a little late lunch/dinner get together for US in honor of our upcoming wedding. A bit like a shower but not really..More like a get together and celebration of our upcoming future.

I think that is so sweet and I look forward to it actually. It is really nice of them to think of us this way especially when some people are still set in the tradtitional way of things. It's rare that coworkers would throw any sort of party for the guy in the engaged relationship or the couple then again maybe it is cos they are female and he is well liked by them. It is refreshing that they aren't stuck in conservative conventional ways which I think are very unrealistic in this day and age. It is refreshing that people realize things are far different today and both people in coupleship deserve to be honored! :)

More things going on in life, not all connected to our upcoming wedding, in a future entry when time allows me to do so. I feel so scattered and all over the place that I feel I am way behind when it comes to sharing all that I want presently. More later when I have unlimited time to think, focus and write! :)

(latest wedding update/ details from fiance)

Hi, babe. I just wanted to let you know that I called about the marraige license and the tux. We don't need an appointment to get the marraige license. The lady said that Monday and Friday are the busiest days, but it shouldn't take longer than 15-30 minutes. I'm telling Michelle that I need to leave at 2 or 2:30 pm on Nov. 7th, so I can pick you up and drive downtown to get our license. I could probably wait until 3pm, but I don't want to take the chance of there being a long line and us not being able to get it that day. I'm not sure what they have planned for the little celebration or party they want to have for us, but I'll let you know the details as soon as I know them. It'll probably just be for about an hour or so someplace near work, like Four Green Fields or the Dubliner (both Irish pubs), or some other bar/restaurant.

I called about the tuxedos and everyone has been fitted. I also got our group number so I can look at what we ordered online. They had the wrong vest color in the system, so I asked the guy to change it for me. I'll be picking up my Dad's, both of my brothers' and my tuxes at Citrus Park and your Dad's, Allister's and Corky's will be at the Clearwater store. I'll call again about a week before the wedding to verify everything is correct because the website doesn't show pickup locations.

At lunch, I went to Alessi's to pay the deposit. It was like $71, so the balance due on Nov. 18th will be around $214. Maybe, we'll go there on Sat. Nov. 15th to buy the cake topper and pay the balance. I think we should look around Tampa for other places that might have toppers because the ones there are pretty expensive. The nice one that you were talking about is $45, but I think they have another nice one for $30 or $35. I heard that Party City has a wedding section and I think there is a $5 off coupon in the paper, so maybe we can go there one night later this week to see what they might have.

Well, that's about it. Hope you are having a good day. I'll see you in a few hours.

Love,
Jimmy

Being An Early Voter Feels Great!!

We filled out our ballot [absentee] tuesday nite and am proud to say voted early yesterday!!!

I have to say that IF Jimmy hadn't researched all the ones running locally in FL so i knew who was the best to choose from each category, AND if he had not researched proposed bills or whatever to vote on, I'd have been overwhelmed because some of it is worded in a way that is confusing, overwhelming, and I am not that UP on what each amendment bill proposal was about. that is over my head. Even Jimmy who knows a lot about that stuff, had to find a website online that explained what each bill was in depth before choosing the best answer. It took him HOURS to research everything and fill out the sample ballot. We have the same overall beliefs on controversial issues and in life, so I knew I could just put whatever he chose for himself .

I mean, the main answer that counts MOST is who you choose as president and vice president and truthfully that is ALL I care about.

BUT I still did not want to be 'ignorant' OR put any wrong answers or leave blanks and run risk of having my ballot not counted. Jimmy explained to me in simple terms what each bill literally meant and why he supported or did not support it. I agreed with every answer he gave for the proposed amendment bills.


We are both very excited over this election but also feel great caution and trepidation while simulatneously feeling terrified what the world will come to IF mccain/palin are chosen [BAD CHOICE] as we feel the country will crumble, freedom will not reign in this country of supposed free choice AND we will be doomed.


We think Obama is doing extremely well and while everyone speaks highly of his chances of winning and predicts his success, we still have the same fear that what happened in the past TWO elections will repeat itself. I believe both of those were fixed elections and I most certainly did NOT vote for that IDIOT.

Corruption is all around in politics and ive already said IF mccain gets in, that means this race was completely bogus and most definitely FIXED.

We hope for the best though. it took me five mins to copy jimmy's sample ballot last nite and it felt GREAT to get it completed knowing my vote counts for something and wanting to get it in right away since my choice is solid and my mind has been made up since the start.

Jimmy dropped it off by hand today in downtown tampa [we didn't want to take a chance by mailing. u never know if it anyone is dirty. the one head of ballots in FL is on the ballot and his name is on the voter registration. he is affiliated with dirtiness and corruption. we do not trust him.] --- where our voter ballots are assigned. :)

(more wedding planning/mom's sweet email)

Sent: Thursday, October 23, 2008 3:57:26 PM
Subject: Fwd: I had a ball [from mom about candles/decor she bought for US]


I just came back from the store and it was a productive day. I found the unscented ivory floating candles or tea lights and there are 144 for six dollars. I can be use for anything. If you dont like it I can return them for a refund. I bought a bunch of amethyst glass gems which can be use for decorations or par t of favors. I can ask my Chinese friend to inscribe Chinese characters for April and Jimmy'

I also bought a purple small wicker basket which can be used for anything. I can decorate and will look Pretty. Everything is falling in place little by little. We dont need to get stressed out anymore. What do you think of my adventure? Talk to you soon.

Love,
MOM