upcoming weekend + randomness in pictures.

Stay tuned for following entries to be more catch-up related entries.

I am planning to do a series of pictorial entries based on our July two day trip to Sarasota. We got some really pretty pix, some cool ones and I've been really eager to share this with everyone ever since we got back from that trip but life has been so crazy and non-stop that I just haven't had the time til now.

I'll try to post and share the Sarasota trip in segments but it will be either tonite or later in the weekend that I start on that. I only have about an hour left to write in here before Jimmy gets home and our wkend begins so I have to be quick...

By the way, it is gonna be a busy weekend again. We head out to Jimmy's parents in Inverness tomorrow to see them and his dad for his birthday. JOY!

I hope I will not have to hear her [his mother's] incessant harping and criticizing otherwise I might burst.

I really mean it- she sometimes has a way of pushing me that makes me feel I might explode on her and in front of everyone there. It has gotten close in the past and I try to keep my cool but I am always on the edge of losing it. I admit.

Nothing grates on my nerves more than someone harping and telling someone how they should run their lives and making that person feel small and tiny and worthless. It fucking PISSES me off.

I also do not enjoy it over there since the tvs are always on in the living room, huge surround sound one and outside by the pool. I feel they are at times dominated by TV and have nothing better to do. they arent interested in other things, interactive things, games, reading, talking, doing other things besides tv.

The worst part of it is the tv is always turned on to ESPN sport channels and nothing else and I am stuck watching or ignoring something on the screen that bores me to tears, makes me wish I could go home, and I don't find it relaxing, fun or exciting. I don't get it and its impossible to read with a loud hoot and hollering crowded game going on. I just cant so often I will nap or sleep while they spend hrs watching.

He has remarked sarcastically that I always sleep when I'm there well its cos we are there for one or two days and I am stuck bored out of my mind because the only thing they do is watch tv and watch the thing i hate and am bored by the most in the world, sports.

If anyone was forced to watch tv the entire time they were visiting someone and could only watch a channel or show that bored them or they hated, I think they would give in to sleeping to escape as well. It's just logical natural human reaction. I don't look forward to visiting his parents because there's very little to find excitement over. Maybe if we actually watched movies or things I liked my attitude would change but everything revolves around what the father wants and the mother caters to it all. thats why I get frustrated at times with Jimmy.

I sometimes feel he expects me to be like his mother, voiceless, unassertive, does only what father likes, forgets about her own ideals/likes/wants - puts husband over herself, has no self identity. I absolutely REFUSE to be that sort of woman. Most of our fights are really about my fear of being oppressed as a woman. I am feisty yes, but I am feisty because growing up I had to be.

I hope our time at Jimmy's parents goes fast without incident. He hasn't stated if we are spending the nite. Often he likes to do that if possible and I absolutely hate it, hate being in someone elses place with someone elses things and someone elses rules. I am not comfortable, can never sleep or feel relaxed. I hate it. They only live an hour and a half away , driving so there isn't any reason why we need to spend the nite other than Jimmy is very close to his family and also his parents nag him when he is not spending the nite and make him feel guilty. yes they are controlling in my eyes but he'd probably say that this means they are loving. I kind of see it differently but I don't say a word.

Oh and some very RANDOM pix before I end this one!

Some pix of my cutie kitty noelle in my closet in the office room :D

..and Jimmy bought these funny snacks over at Walgreens last weekend. I found them really hilarious and amusing so I took a few pix of them to share with everyone :D

And...Jimmy taking a load off on our futon couch last weekend.



I mainly took this picture to show off our new futon cover which I love - the softness, and color/pattern- it fits so perfectly with a lot of the colors we already have in our place..its brown/champagne yellow/bluegreen/ sage green shades in stripes. we got this cover on sale and with ten dollars off at Bed, Bath and Beyond last month. I find it so so cute :D

More Misc. Random Pix:




Really happy and excited to get these stackable bins in one of my fave colors in clear plastic at Target on sale last weekend. the top was so cute and was meant for a dorm, stackable plastic little bins that looks like a makeup kit when its all put together.

I like to compartmentalize everything I have and enjoy organizing and obsessively reorganizing things in general [kinda ocd but not really, jsut relaxes me. I know I'm strange] and thought this was so cool for when we do go on little trips like visiting jimmy's parents and I need my beauty products and shower stuff with me- perfect for travel and it was only 5.99.

The other two storage I plan to use for my sentimental journals, mementos and to put away clothing im not wearing right now in my closet to make more space. I love anything that promotes space saving. im always looking for new and innovative space saving furniture everytime we visit target or bed bath and beyond.





I LOVE my new converse manilla colored canvas tote bag which I bought last weekend. That was my impulsive buy of the month for 19.99. I think its so cute and cool looking and quite different than anything I own currently- that is why I wanted it plus perfect for the pool, beach, traveling, and the list goes on.

I love bags that can be used in many versatile ways and are practical enough to be used in many different life situations! Plus I gravitate towards the brands and styles related to surf and skateboarders alike! Love other brands like roxy, billabong, + the like! :)

I most love the snaps on the bag with outer pockets and also the star symbol log on the snaps itself. If anyone hasn't guessed, very into fashion and design.

One of Jimmy and I's most favorite shows we watch every single week is Project Runway. Ive been a fashion junkie since a teenager and collect fashion mags and have files of stuff and binders of favorite fashion photography from the past 10 or so years.

In highschool, and early college, I was gravitating towards going into the career of Fashion Merchandizing and being a Fashion Buyer but due to antisocial personality and lack of business sense, that dream was quickly diverted into psychology and then into writing. All there are still strong interests and desires and talents of mine.

I still am fascinated most by fashion illustration, fashion editing and fashion photography. It'd be my dream to delve into any of those subjects. I'd love to put together a magazine. that may even dabble into graphic design but I feel technically- I suck and without a photo or graphic design degree- it is nothing more than a mere dream.

My brother allister in cali is a graphic designer and also has a dual degree in photography and is an artistic gifted person. I always wish I were more like him. I think he takes amazing pix and he just shared with us the other day all his pix and videos from his trip to Japan, it was both interesting and entertaining and the architecure design and detail of the buildings was exquisitely beautiful in craftmanship and design.

I think both Jimmy and I dream of going there one day, Jimmy even more so who is a big sushi lover [ps I hate sushi, it makes me want to vomit LOL but i am interested in japan for its beautiful visuals, technology, and artistic buildings and architecture. the food, unless cooked, i have minor interest in LOL]

+++

New Journals I bought mostly from Borders last month and elsewhere [ps Im a journal junkie too, I collect and use them for various projects, words, thoughts, feelings and things of inspiration. Ive been this way ever since a child. I am and have always been truly a writer and recorder of memories, experiences, and influences all around me in pop culture, media, fashion, film, music/songs/lyrics and literature/symbolism/metaphors and dreams- whatever is going on at that time can always be found in my personal at home journals. I am one of those nostalgic people that is very attached to everything I experience and thrives on remembering past and present- often. especially past. whether good or bad. I thrive on feelings and memories. Its what keeps me and brings me truly ALIVE.



a borders journal above i found on clearance at borders in july. its spacey and out of this world, so it appealed to me :D


Some pages from my new notebook which I've designated for my scrapbooking project of styles I love in terms of haircuts, color, and makeup/beauty as well as fashion. i just began creating this last week.


below is the first page of the section for haircuts i love for myself, the second one after this is of a makeup style that i tend to be drawn towards. i like the sultry smokey eyed look with natural or mauve colored toned down lips. that is what i am gravitating towards for my wedding day. its an evening look that i think is very flattering on my coloring and representative of my personal style when i am made up. i most prefer the black eyeliner cat-eye or french lined look whether natural or made-up.i also am inclined towards the gothic cleopatra style black lined eyes with a lot of black mascara. i love dramatic looks!




In the past ive always had my hair in bob cut styles that angle towards the chin, and they flattered my facial features and shape. however now that ive gained weight, i dont think i could pull it off. ive had long hair for several years and most of my life have oscillated b/t short cuts like above and my long sorta natural wavy styled hair. most of the time i have it up in a scrunchie mainly for convenience and because its always hot here weather wise. But lately because I think I look fat if my hair is down. I feel it overemphasizes how round and heavy my face really is now that ive put on pounds and feel very unconfident to wear it down nowadays. my hair is pretty close to as long as it was in previous entry but not quite. If i don't cut it til the wedding, it would prob be as long as the 2006 picture i posted last nite if not longer than that. i think i will trim it up an inch or maybe a few inches prior to the wedding though!





Other Journals I got:






[the end--- for now!!]

alexcia sweet alexcia, you remind me of me.

below back in july, a few pix of alexcia my niece and grammie [my mother] when we paid them a visit at my brother corky's in clearwater. he is not featured in the pix, my bro as he hates being in any! the last few are jimmy with alexcia that are quite adorable.

little alexcia has decided to give him and everyone massages whenever we come over now. she started doing this two visits ago and her new thing is to do give us foot massage and then back massage. she is so gentle, loving, cute, innocent and nurturing- warm.

of course my bro was getting mad at her for being so loving to jimmy as she is always kissing him and touching him. my bro kept repeating that she didn't belong touching anyone and that people would take advantage of her or hurt her down the road.

i understand his alarm and fears however he is the one who puts on inappropriate films and licks his lips and wags his tongue asking alexcia if he can have that girl wearing the thong or next to nothing clothing!! his taste in women are stripper, cheap porn looking hoochie type women. it makes me disgusted, to be quite honest and hate to have alexcia subjected to that at six yrs old but there's nothing u can do.

i am sure in america this is the norm of people -both men and women - in our current generation. all you have to do is take a look at whats out there in the latest reality tv shows and then you can see why people are how they are and why they glorify, put so much worth into women who are slutty, strippers, porn types. the simple truth is sex sells and sex is money.

i just think kids are overexposed to too much today and it really does unsettle and disturb me. and i'm not a prude really - i just have values and want to protect my own self worth.


in any case, i think alexcia gets a lot of mixed messages and hypocritical lessons from my brother her father. hopefully it doesnt warp her too much. i worry about when she starts dating and becomes interested in boys. i fear she will pick someone who will abuse her or control her or harm her, violate. i am hyperaware and hypersensitive because of my past history w/ sexual abuse and domestic violence and because i see clearly that my niece isn't being raised with very strong or protective foundations / nurturance and guidance from a positive male role model and i worry. if i were closer, to her, i'd feel a little less fearful but i am too far away to make much of an impact.



this is something i worry over constantly and every day.

anyway alexcia currently in pix below! she is 6 and turns 7 at the end of september 2008! I love the way her little tiny feet are crossed under her seat and those adorable little whtie sandals she is wearing- they are so so cute and she is growing up so fast!!! sometimes i see her, i mean often i see her, and she reminds me so much of myself as a child- we look a lot alike in my opinon-

owning a home does not equal self worth!!!

a quickie on the latest of things. jimmy is resigned i think if not crushed. karen wrote him back in regard to giving advice on the whole house hunting thing and if he should buy now or really wait.

she prefaced her email with " here is my advice although you may not really want to hear it"

i could not believe it but she said pretty much all that i've said to him, except with the professional terms used for real estate, business and financing/loans etc which i know little about. regardless of that fact, she pretty much emphasized and stressed what i had been trying to get him to see but he would not listen to me.

i did mention that a bit to him without rubbing it entirely in his face. i tried to be gentle. mainly i wanted him to see that i had said the same thing and he had not listened to me or given me any credit for what i had suggested. i kind of felt it vital he see that he had ignored what i had said solely because i had said it and he saw me as someone to fight, where as his own friend whom there is no tension or arguments with had just said the same thing as i.

i wanted him to be aware of the way he had shut me out and closed his ears to my thoughts/feelings, advice to him but that he did not treat others outside of our relationship that way. i think i made my point but i don't think he is aware why he did it. i think i am.

i think it's harder to separate yourself in a relationship especially when there is tension and stress going on b/t two people. it is easier to see or hear others advice when you are getting a point of view from outside of the relationship, however, i could tell that it was not a point of view he wanted to hear or swallow even if it was from sweet harmless Karen.

when he told me what she said, i could tell he didn't really want to accept it but the more we talked about it, the more he began to become resigned. he has a major hangup that his self worth, successfulness is tied to IF he can buy a home NOW. i feel its irrational and untrue. your self worth is not tied to buying something as superficial and material as a home.

sure it would be nice but if my self worth was tied to that, i'd want to kill myself because obviously i am on disability and have no kind of stability that even warrants me to be on my own, let alone to buy anything that big. i can't even work a normal job and haven't most of my life so like for me to survive, i cannot let my selfworth become tied to things like buying/owning homes and things beyond my means like that.

jimmy's mom for some reason has been calling more than ever now. almost everyday. and yes she asks him every time she calls, what's new, have we found a house to buy yet or when are we getting our house? she won't quit. his resolve to stand up to her has disappeared and faded completely as i suspected it would. she is like a broken record, its energy draining to try to change someone that has their own agenda and isnt ever going to change. she's stubborn and hard of hearing. i do not think she can change. she is bossy and controlling, critical, judgemental. its annoying but as long as i dont have to live with her or follow her rules, i am fine.

so anyway the other nite jimmy told his mother that we wouldnt be buying a home afterall and explained to her what karen had told him. she basically said if the bank disapproved you because your debt to ratio was too much, then it was wise that you not even get a home right now and that meant you really could not afford it and should wait, save money. she said it was not worth it to go with a lesser known bank for your mortgage and was very risky. she said you should only go with reputable well known banks for your financing and loan/mortgage etc.

[he had tried for a loan via the school he works for- his bank is via a teacher's credit union and this friend and her husband also go thru them and have gotten mortgage loans via them. that's why karen recommended he try suncoast]

She suggested what I had suggested quite a few times in the past few months but it fell on deaf ears when I bought it up while him and bitch real estate agent Yvette both looked at me like I was a dummy, and stated that was a waste of money when you could buy a place rather than throwing your money away to rent.

What they would not get was we are already throwing away our money in a shit hole and we don't know how long it will be til we can find a home we can afford to buy so while we are waiting it would NOT be wasting any money to rent a house rather than an apt.

Renting a house would give many of the benefits and features we were looking for in a home and get us out of an apt setting. But NO he would not hear of it and they reacted to me like my idea was just plain stupid and lacked common sense. So I shut up.

Funny how months down the road and at the final waking up point for Jimmy- someone outside of all this who has a trustworthy personality, and down to earth friendliness, no reason to guide him or steer him in the wrong direction- Karen- funny how she would point out something along the lines of what I had suggested to Jimmy more than once.

Karen suggested we try renting a home - possibly in st. pete- for a year to see how we like it in st. pete first of all and to also have time to save up to buy a home. She thought it the best advice she could offer. She also told Jimmy those FHA loans were not enough reason to buy a home right now or take such a risk without enough money saved for such a huge lifetime purchase.

[Btw, for those who dont know- FHA loan is a limited time loan given by the govt, for First Time Home Buyers, where the seller of the home will pay for 3 percent of the selling price of home and closing costs or something like that. They put money towards the home and the govt writes it off as a gift that goes to a charity organization or something like that. I think they did this because the housing market/foreclosure rate/and economy is so alarmingly horrible right now that they put that out there for incentive, to get people to buy while the housing market is down. I'm really bad at business oriented stuff like that so Ive explained it best I could. Based on all Ive heard from Jimmy, Yvette, and others inc. the news on business and economy related stuff in America.]

In any case, what Karen basically said to Jimmy in her letter about FHA was that if he was only buying because of FHA or that was his main incentive, then he shouldn't buy at all. It wasn't enough reason and worth it to make yourself poor. Also, she said if you don't have at least 10 percent [i am not sure of exact percentage but think its around that figure] to put down on the house and closing costs then you should not even be thinking of buying a home. It would be very unwise - in other words.

So when Jimmy told a summarized version to his mother the other nite, of what Karen had said, I could tell there were a bunch of dumbfounded WHY's and I could tell she wasn't buying it completely and was harping on him for not buying a home now, for not having one by now at his age of 37, for not measuring up. I do not know if she said those things to him or those exact words but I feel like that is what she makes Jimmy feel like- like he is behind from everyone his own age and everyone who is worth anything and that he is simply a failure without his own home. I'm sure she doesnt say those words to him or express herself that way but I can bet you that the sentences I've suggested above are ones she makes him feel like. I feel bad all around for him.

So, now Jimmy has switched to his next plan of action. We want to get out of this hellhole that has become very downhill ghetto and infested with bugs. We have tried spraying numerous times and we keep our place very clean. There is no reason why we should still have bugs but they won't go away and we think the entire building is corroded and if other tenants do not take care of their homes, than obviously they are going to keep inviting the bugs to nest and form more babies. We do want to get the fk out of here and both have come to loath our place here - mainly because of that fact and because the stairway and grounds around the place is disgusting and filthy- dirty, food on the ground. No one ever maintains the stairways, cleans the grounds or anything. I've never in my life lived in such a dirty place and I have lived places worst than this and cheaper than this so its the people who own it and the people they let live here. I cannot wait to get away from here! I have grown to despise it as much as Jimmy has. We make our own inside jokes to get thru it, of course.

So, we started looking at Craig's list. My only anxiety is I hope that he doesn't have the crazy idea of finding and renting a home before the wedding. Funny thing is I bet he does because it's his mother who keeps saying, wouldn't you like to have a place - a new place to come home to after your honeymoon and things such as- but where will u put all the wedding presents??? and on and on, things to make him stress over and worry about.

I think she is so OUT OF TOUCH and btw this is going to be a small wedding with a lot of distant relatives. I do not expect we will get many wedding presents let alone many big ones and his parents are frugal in gifting so I kind of feel like his mother is just creating unneccessary anxiety over things that aren't even relevant to our situation.

Anyway, so yes, we have begun looking at some homes in st. pete. We've glanced at some condos/townhomes also but I think he'd prefer to find a rental home before he'd opt for the townhome. I don't know ... it's all up in the air and Im sure we will delve more into looking at the want-ads in our price range [from 700 to 900 dollars a month, at very most 1000 which he said was a bit much for him but he could manage, he says. we pay under $800 right now but also pay for a storage unit which totals our rent and storage at around 850 a month.] Still, you aren't going to find a two bedroom/two full bathroom place as cheap as this apt anywhere. It is relatively cheap. That's why we opted to live here in the first place!

Anyway, these are some of the listings we were compelled to email to ourselves last nite and places we may go and visit in the near future, if he gets ahold of the person who ran the add that is.

Very nice!!!! 2 bed, 1&1/2 bath, St.Petersburg

Reply to: xxphongv@hotmail.com
Date: 2008-08-06, 11:18PM

$955/month, 1 and 1/2 month security deposit.

*Very nice 2 bedroom, 1 & 1/2 bath house on a big corner lot.

*Also,an add on room that can be used as office, extra bedroom, game room, etc.. *Couple recently relocated to NYC for work.

*Lot's of new updates, privacy fence, master bath (luxury), recess lighting, ceiling fans and more....

*Lawn Maintenance included

*Washer/Dryer

Pet's are ok!
call Vicky at 727-541-2578 ex 121 or visit us http/:www.allcountyprop.com

4300 at 4th ave north google map yahoo map

Original URL: http://tampa.craigslist.org/pnl/apa/786354944.html

Tyrone Area-In Quiet Desirable Neighborhood

Reply to: hous-786747908@craigslist.org

Date: 2008-08-07, 10:40AM


2 Bedroom/1 bath- Hardwood Floors in LR,DR,2BR. Ceramic Tile in Kitchen, Ceiling Fans, Modern Kitchen with breakfast bar, Dining room with door leading out to beutiful backyard living space, One car garage, washer/dryer hookups, CHA. Great Neighborhood (located behind Toys R Us).Must See.Call 727-481-1077. Available September 1st.

6372 at 17 Terrace North google map yahoo map

• Location: St. Petersburg


• Charming HOUSE- Huge backyard

Reply to: hous-787381907@craigslist.org

Date: 2008-08-07, 5:45PM

2 bedrooms plus a bonus room- Available NOW!

Lovely wood and ceramic floors, coved ceiling, spacious family room.

Corner lot backs up to a small creek. The backyard deck is truly unique. Giant oaks, tropical plants create a relaxing atmosphere! Just a few minutes to get to downtown or the beach, a short bike ride to the Pinellas Trail.

Cat OK with a non-refundable deposit. Small dog only (under 25lbs) Dogs will be approved on a case-by-case basis. Maximum of 2 pets are allowed.

Move-in costs:

First month rent: $950

Security deposit: $750

Pet deposit: $175 per approved pet, non-refundable

Last month rent: $950 (can be broken into 3 payments)

We run both credit report and nationwide criminal background checks on all adult applicants. 12 months lease only. Please email me for more information.

5162 2nd Ave N google map yahoo map

• Location: St. Petersburg
• 
  
  

validation- told you SO!!! time to wake up.

a picture I took of Jimmy before we were off to visit our friends Karen and Aaron and their new bundle of joy Eli!! :P

The visit with our friends Karen and Aaron confirmed everything I had expressed to Jimmy most recently in regard to the real estate agent whom I found unprofessional and incompetent and the stress of house hunting and so on...

All the things I had tried to say to Jimmy about Yvette not acting like a REAL real estate agent, I heard Karen and Aaron straight out saying. Even more surprising was that I even heard Jimmy admitting to them right in front of me how Yvette had not done a very good job and had been screwing him around!!! HOW FUNNY!! Can we say contradictive much????

Jimmy said to them a lot of what I have said to him a long time now but it was both redeeming and shocking to hear him say all I had said but overall I have to admit, I loved it and enjoyed knowing I had been right all along and he was too stubborn to admit that I was right.

This was redeeming because I've been fighting to get validation of my viewpoint from him from day one and shocking because WHY did he disagree and argue with me this entire time if he felt the exact same way?

It only proves that my intution in regard to him was completely right- his stubbornness and 'defensiveness' are all deeply related and tied to issues of insecurity, fear, an inferiority complex and complicated by parents who have overly high expectations that make him feel like he is not good enough and that NOT having a home equates failure and being low-class/worthless. He has not confessed these things to me but his reaction to things and some things he wrote me in an email when I confronted him last week confirm that for the most part, I was right.

Jimmy did not deny much of what I called him on and in fact agreed to tell his mother to stop asking him about our house hunting. I actually witnessed him tell her bluntly on the phone to quit asking just this past weekend and had the SHOCK of my life. Never in a million years did I think he would be so abrasive with her and it also surprised me he did it right in front of me as if he actually felt the same way as I did and was telling his mother to 'quit it' because he really all along thought the same way as I did but couldn't admit it outright ot himself or his mother (that she is a nag and controlling and its annoying)

I could hear her asking him why he wanted her to quit asking about houses and then hear him answering with, because he is sick and tired of being asked and he will let her know when something happens but didnt want to be asked every second and it was becoming downright irritating.

I was shocked. I have never heard him speak aggressively towards his mother and it seemed somewhat mean. I almost felt bad for her but I think with his mom you have to be bold like he was or she doesn't take it seriously or thinks its a joke OR just keeps nagging like you never said a word. I have to say people like that irritate the f**k out of me. I felt very touched that Jimmy actually did what he promised me and what we had fought over last week and also proud, that he stood up for himself with the person that I often think keeps him blocked most in life.

From my personal email to him last week, here is a piece of my email filled with my most honest thoughts/feelings directed towards him. This was somewhat expressed in my diary prior to me writing him, but may vary slightly from that blog entry in here. I did send him a revised, more gentle copy of what I wrote here in regard to my confliction/stress of house hunting and how he was being to OPEN his eyes.

I think sometimes when someone reads about themselves in 3rd person, that this can make them really see thru your eyes better than when you are expressing direct feelings. I felt like it impacted him in ways my more direct letters NEVER have.

I feel Jimmy is a successful person in many facets of his life and has wonderful potential for more success in his future however I feel that his parents high expectations/attitudes push him too hard and this truly blocks him and is a source of inner confliction and self-doubt. It makes me both sad and angry and also frustrated that I cannot do anything and I am helpless to make him see this without offending him.

I share the above excerpt because it is my belief that this is the part that most reached him, affected him, and possibly made him think about things and how his family truly is. I still think that this realization doesn't change his actions/reactions to things entirely. His brain is still hardwired to please, kiss up, and meet all high expectations of mother and father regardless of any rational realization. A pattern like that does not get erased or replace over night. He will always fall back to the original wired/trained thoughts because we always go back to what we know and what feels familiar and the truth is dysfunctional patterns take a life time of hard work to undo what has been done to a person.

I know it's unrealistic to think that everyone has the willpower to change these things. I think I do, but it will take forever. As for him, I think it is easier for him to resort to avoidance and defeatist patterns and its up to him to take accountability and responsibility for his life and actions. I can't do it for him. He has to do it for himself, otherwise it means nothing.

I don't expect him to change over nite but I believe in self awareness in the highest degree and feel it does not hurt that I teach him to be more aware of himself, his reactions to things in life and how patterns form based on upbringing and family, and that this is all VERY very relative to him and I- and determines how one relates to the loved one we choose to share a life with today!

So anyway, when we had our fight last week, I told him bluntly that he was not a child and needed to stop allowing his mother/parents treat him like a little boy. I told him he was an adult and if he didn't stand up for himself, they would continue to treat him as someone whom they think incapable of making adult decisions. I find it demeaning that they do not allow him to think and decide with his own mind at 37 yrs old- going on 38!

Unfortunately, I have noticed she has been calling him everyday since that convo and he even commented that it was weird she had been calling everyday [she normally calls every two to three days which I still feel is OVERKILL since they live in same state and we see them regularly- at times more than my own parents who are way closer than they are. they are over an hr and half away driving] I mean I don't call my own parents that much esp when they live in the same state and we can make time to see them physically! I sometimes feel there is a bit of a momma's boy factor going on and that is precisely the problem.

So I am a bit disappointed to say that after Jimmy reprimanded his mother for asking about house-hunting, that every convo they've had since then which I have witnessed, he has voluntarily talked about and shared his latest feelings on homes and plans, what we are looking at and so on. So, it is BACK to the same old dysfunctional pattern and I now realize that he is as much as part of the problem as she is. He is unable to refrain from sharing something that he knows she will put her piece of mind in and critique. It seems a perpetual pattern in their relationship, one that I doubt he is even aware of.

I've decided to keep quiet because I believe people who go back to previous patterns, go back because it feels comfortable and more safe than making a change. I understand that since I do this in many aspects of my life and even familial relationships, so I feel its the old saying that wins, choose your battles wisely..It's just not something any person can change over night. I don't think Jimmy can stop telling his mother things and I think if she senses any pull away, it only provokes her to insert herself in our lives more. It is almost counterproductive to try to stop it and pointless because she is bound to win.

So anyway, after all that. we went to St. Petersburg where our friends live about 40 mins away. [Note that St. Pete is near clearwater which is where i pretty much was raised all my life and where my parents live and i know clearwater like the back of my hand which is about 20 mins from st pete- i also spent some years in st pete as i went to jr college there years ago, dated and had friends there. its also where i had my first marriage and where i lived at that time. i know clearwater and st pete far better than tampa and i find it more friendly, feels like home, as opposed to a city like Tampa.]

Tampa, where we currently reside, is less than an hr away from both cities and bigger than both but in many ways Tampa is slummier, going downhill with pockets of ROUGH violent/ drug dealing neighborhoods. So, despite all its big city, nite club appearance that has its moments of cool--- I pretty much HATE Tampa at this point and am sick of having to drive by endless exotic dancer and strip clubs. There is absolutely nothing I hate more than topless and full nude lowclass stripclubs. We have an abundance of both. I want to live around an area that doesnt make me feel so angry, disappointed in society and sick/dirty, ashamed to be a woman. That's why st. pete is beginning to appeal more and more...we've got some friends over there and one of the pair of them [they are married]....

Karen studied in real estate back in 2006 but just before she went to take her test to get her license, she had so much going on as she had a full time job as well and decided to drop out due to inability to handle the stress/ However, both Karen's father and sister are in the real estate business and its also how they got their house with her dad's expertise and help.

[BTW, HGtv is our new fave channel for their wealth of home hunting shows esp house hunters and international househunters- our only complaint is: show some real people , the average american couple that struggles to buy a home as all of these couples are YOUNGER than us and are either rich , well off or have some form of parental help because their budget is like anywhere from 400,000 to 900,000 which is unreal to both Jimmy and I. Jimmy is middle class, not poor in social class status however we cannot even afford a 200,000 home. and he is not poor. But watching these shows you do begin to feel somewhat depressed because it makes you feel like you are poor and that its impossible to ever own a decent home]

Anyway, back on topic :D

Karen's dad is a real estate broker and her and her husband aaron gave us some valuable tips/pointers. A lot of what they said was what I had been trying to J. over the past months but he refused to listen to me- it was So refreshing and I revelled hearing them say all the things I said!! It's kind of like a "I told you so" moment AND altho it sux it's this way, I KNEW he would not refuse to listen to them since they are NOT in our relationship and they are solely HIS friends, people he knew before me. I knew that would give him the ability to really listen without bias and without thinking I was trying to control things or manipulate. I knew if it came from the outside not connected to me or my friends in my life- that he would be more willing to listen and unable to use his stubborn stance with them!! and I was RIGHT.

After talking for several hours with them [and aaron drove us around to a few homes, just to see the outside and the neighborhood areas around st. pete, of about five homes wed chosen online on a real estate site]-- I think Jimmy is finally through with Yvette!!!!!! Haha I do not think he wants to go back to her and that this visit with friends was what he needed to finally ADMIT I was right all along!

They said all the things I tried suggesting to him- that she was unprofessional- they agreed with me she should have set up an appt in her office [we never had any] and also known what was IN or OUT of our range after the first meeting. They said it sounded fishy, and like she was only after a sale and our money. They also advised against using the loan guy who was also talking with Yvette and connected to her. They said it sounded suspicious and like there was some possible commission by her using him and vice versa. They recommended you never use a loan lender thru your real estate agent and cautioned us against it.

FINALLY people saying everything I sensed and finally Jimmy listening and realizing the truth. I do think from their reaction that they felt he was being taken for a ride and swindled and that the time weve wasted in looking is beyond what it should be and wouldn't be if we had a competent real estate agent. They also found it amazing and unprofessional that we have done all the work.

Yvette never found us homes, we found them ourselves than emailed it to her and met up with her in a parking lot and then she drove us to what we had emailed her. They found it strange just like I did that it was like we were working for her rather than her working for us. They said it was ridiculous and to drop her, not even waste any more of our time with her.

So long story short, Karen's going to send her dad via email about ten homes we are interested in, by where they live in St. Pete, and have him email us with pertinent info and possibly set up a meeting to sit down and talk - and possibly take us over to the homes to see them, inside and such. I asked Jimmy months ago to ask Karen for her family's help as she is a sweet honest upfront genuine person whom I knew would help in a heartbeat and have lots of useful information.

Btw, here is the last pic of Karen and I, taken a few yrs ago and below is Karen with her husband [her husband's in an indie alternative rock band that is local in st pete / tampa and which my fiance has managed for a few yrs now via myspace. They've taken a break recently- and obviously becos of their new edition to the family. Their son is now 6 wks old and he was absolutely adorable]

Anyway a few pix of our friends!


Me with Karen at homeless thanksgiving benefit at Skipper's Smokehouse in Tampa- November 2006


Lead singer of local band and husband of K.

Karen and Aaron did make a slight comment to Jimmy that they thought it an awful lot to plan a wedding and then try to buy a home and move in, practically the month before our wedding. I made a sarcastic remark to everyone which I am sure did not go missed- that I felt it suicide to do that and overly stressful and that I did not want to do it, found it unrealistic, and completely stupid to do but that that was Jimmy wanted and he refused to listen to me.

I think Aaron's brother who is older and was also there seemed to acknowledge how I felt and almost agree with a semi-supportive statement that seemed to say that doing just a wedding alone or finding a home without a wedding, was so stressful that he could not even imagine the amount of stress two of these things would cause. I sensed he was actually supporting my feelings and not supporting Jimmy's idea but because we don't know him very well and he probably sensed the subject to be heated, he didn't want to say anything to ignite things or maybe cause a fight b/t us. I felt or sensed he tried to word it all in a way that didnt make Jimmy feel he was telling him what to do or being judgemental/critical and I wonder IF maybe they did sense the tension as it was apparent at this visit and we've known them socially and have had many social visits for the past two years but they've never really seen tension b/t us like this so out in the open. I did feel on edge because topics brought up are ones weve recently fought over and I have issues with so anyone bringing them up, just adds/brings more fuel to the fire and keeps things aflame which is what we DO NOT need right now.

I felt constantly aware of this 'tension', embarrassed, uncomfortable and guilty that they saw us that way. They probably think we are completely incompatible because there was a constant clashing of views when it came to what i want in a house and what he wants, how I think planning a wedding and finding a home is stupid to do right now, and my view of what this wedding means to me while he enjoys stressing how he cannot wait til it is all over and beyond us. I winced when he said that especially after I had just expressed my hurt recently over how much this wedding meant to me and that his constant remarks of how he never wanted this or statements that make it seem like he does not look forward to our wedding celebration etc. were destroying me and I resented him and told him that he would ruin our relationship if he continued on this path. I had warned him and yet he continues to slip in little jabs that make me feel worthless.

We view things differently on a lot of the above stuff and it has become increasingly hard not to fight. We are both very stressed, it's true but sometimes it just feels very discouraging. I don't want to go much into detail because I am not much in the mood for negative critiques on the relationship [not that any of you would but just don't want to invite it] and we are getting married so we have to learn to deal with stress, have to learn to cope with differences b/t us and find ways to compromise.

I don't have a problem with compromising though. It is him that I have to pull teeth with and has great difficulty in compromising. I am sure some people think we are incompatible together but I believe in making things work and believe that it is not impossible. We've made a commitment - and I don't believe in backing out or giving up on anything. I love him and I think he loves me as well. Sometimes though our differences work against us and that's extremely saddening for me.

Love is not perfect and this relationship isn't either but I will keep trying because I want to, and because I believe in our future and that building anything worth investing in takes time and a lot of hard work. I am determined even if this means my own blood sweat and tears.

minori + brainstorming wedding accessory ideas!

written last week, friday morning prior to florist appt on august 1st:

This month I have to look for shoes so I can finalize the color and style and I am thinking of looking at more stores for a bridal style necklace and earring set. I may try to look at the mall today while we're out there if we have time and Jimmy feels like it.


I'm not sure that I want to stick with the necklaces I showed previously- a few entries prior to this- and its important I decide what Im going with so that all the accessories such as shoes and all the colors can match.


As much as the gold is pretty, I kind of prefer a silver with crystal style stone or rhinestone variety because in my everyday life, I never wear gold and haven't since I was maybe 16 yrs old. Ive always preferred silver, white gold or platinum in general.


Last month, I saw some very cute bridal style jewelry at etsy.com which is a place people make their own jewelry and sell them- Im sure most do it as a hobby and there are some really pretty and vintage styles but Im hesitant on going with that only because you cant see how it looks on you before you buy it and I don't know how good the material is, I wouldn't want the necklace to break.


These were some necklace styles I found on etsy that I thought really pretty and unique [not all of them would fit my wedding though. but are definitely styles Id like to wear in real life]



[i love the below one but more for my everyday style, not for the wedding. i just thought its really unique and this designer seems to use asian and japanese design a lot which is something i really love]


minori

Minori in Japanese means village of beautiful fields.

Lovely, vintage necklace handmade with vintage brass bird charms, rare and hard to find 18x13mm flower glass cab from Japan set on vintage brass pendant setting suspended from a strand of rare vintage brass chain and clasp 7" in length. I've got the last few of these flower cabs. This is why this item is now on Limited Editions.

SALE 30 PERCENT OFF - lilies vintage necklace

Description:
Lovely, vintage necklace handmade of orange lucite flower beads embellished with vermeil beads wire wrapped in antique brass fancy ball head pins suspended from a strand of soft and feminine vintage brass chain 17" in length accented with a vintage brass bird charm. Absolutely, gorgeous. Looks fab with anything! Original design and handmade by Portobello listed on 05/27/08

+++++++++++


the above jeweler is named Portobello, and u should see her other designs they are so cute. so i'll leave you with her store link. there are many amazing designers on this website. it makes me wish i could learn to make unique crafty jewelry and sell mine, too. it looks like a lot of fun. etsy is a really up and coming website featuring artsy and creative people who make things esp jewelry- its grown very popular :)


here's that girl's store link:

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5210893


These are the ones off Davids Bridal's Website that I love most- these are the styles I originally wanted with my wedding gown but its hard to find a store that carries a lot of these where you can actually go in, try it on without having to ask to look behind a case or being pressured to buy, or watched like a hawk by sales ladies.

They look well-constructed [for inexpensive fashion jewelry] I know it is not fine jewelry and not meant to be perfect but I do not want something that will fall apart on my wedding day - I want to avoid shoddy jewelry or flimsy pieces that are fragile.

I am thinking if we have time we might stop by david's bridal in the area and look at these so I could maybe buy my necklace so I could work on planning the rest of the colors of my access. and so on.

If I went with one of these necklaces then Jenni and shannon wouldn't have to remove the clip on your dress cos it would match. Just another reason why I am leaning more towards this direction!

For now, here are the designs I like Most to give u an idea:

(end)

floral + stress.

This entry was written prior to last weekend- on Wed. July 30th as days off are consumed by wedding planning and finding some downtime to recover from all the stress. That is why I haven't been online much friday to sunday as of late.

It is because every second of our time is filled with obligations, appts, and a wanting to just vegetate once the day is over as its been exhaustive. Add home hunting on top of all this-- and the stress is just BRUTAL. That's been frustrating and depressing too but guess what? I think Jimmy is beginning to wake up after seeing some close friends over the wkend- who just had their first baby and gave him some wise tips and advice over the weekend which back up what I have been saying to him all along (but he chose to ignore).

I WILL most definitely share a full update on the above paragraph, full detail of the house hunting dilemma and how his friends pretty much validated everything I had tried to say to him in the future. HA! Feels great to be validated and say -Told you so!!

So, here is latest wedding update which was written about a week ago!

Jimmy booked the photographer LAST Monday and put down the 535 deposit. We will be going to Citrus Park Publix floral dept on Friday and have an appt at 2pm- they do do weddings.

Note, he wrote me this last week:

Hi babe,
I just got off the phone with Randy at Celebrations and booked the photography, DJ, and music for the ceremony. I told him that we'll stop by sometime to listen to the different music selections they have. It ended up costing $1605 including tax, so I paid $535 for the deposit and the remaining balance is $1070.

I also talked to a lady at Publix (Apron's) and scheduled an appointment for the flowers at 2:00 pm on Friday. She said they normally have appointments up until 6:30 pm, but I didn't want to have to rush over there after work especially since I don't normally get home until 6:15 pm as it is and don't know if I may have to work late.

Well, I hope you got some rest. I probably won't stop by storage until I pick you up if you think your photos will be ready. Let me know if you talk to them and they still aren't ready and I'll get the book (and any others) that sold.
Love,
Jimmy





+++

Oh, we've put in our Wedding Invitation Order last weekend - it was over $200. [The proof came today via email and we will receive them at the end of August- we only ordered 75 invites.)
We are very behind and Jimmy has been stressed over being behind and money but I kept warning him we needed to do things and he ignored me. He likes to say he never wanted a formal wedding and I was the one- so things have been tense and I blew up over that over the weekend before last weekend.

It IS hurtful because he keeps rubbing it in my face everytime he is stressed [esp when my dad acted how he did-didn't want my mom helping us much financially with wedding. So now J feels funny around dad and seems to resent me even more because of how my dad humiliated him and it is as if he wishes he never committed to having a formal wedding becos of my dad and how he acted etc.) This is simply NOT fair to me and it has got me completely stressed out! I am caught in the middle. I can't help what my dad did and it's really not my fault. I have no control over what others say or do, regardless of blood ties. I feel like my dad has screwed up Jimmy's chance of being close to him or having a good relationship and it really upsets me inside but I can't really talk to anyone because all the ones I would talk to are involved (mom/dad jimmy)and it just seems I have been put in the middle against my will. I resent this and feel agitated/upset over the entire thing. It should not be like this.

All this makes me feel my fiance's heart isn't into this wedding planning and makes me realize that he is NOT appreciative of what a special day this will be. He has no idea that everything we are doing to make this wedding a reality IS preparing us for the real meaning of marriage and that this is an exercise on how well we work together as a couple, and gives us a tiny idea of what it is like to conquer hardships/stress/ in life as well as what its like to make plans, set goals and to compromise as a couple as we will need these skills during our marriage and future life together. This is preparation and a build up to something so meaningful and its a once in a lifetime thing, a learning experience that is beyond valuable to our future together.

His attitude has been the wrong one and hurt me lately because this should be a gift of his love to me and instead of complaining and making me feel guilty for having a wedding, he should be supporting me in this and appreciating all we're doing to make this special for him. Not to mention love IS making the other happy not thinking ONLY of yourself. Love is not selfish..but he is immature and self-absorbed. He cannot see past anything but the money aspect and how it is taking up all his precious selfish social time.

It just makes me sad and feel resentment that he doesn't care about what this means to me + has to act like an immature child throwing a tantrum and only thinking of himself. He doesn't seem to realize how special this day will be.

I feel like he is going to regret his actions when that day comes and he is moved by the ceremony and everything at the wedding. He will be sorry and I have warned him of this very thing - in a recent outburst/ fight.

Jimmy has promised to try to be more supportive but I have felt very overwhelmed and stressed, constantly upset as he is trying to cram us buying a home before Oct. 1st to make the deadline before the FHA loan expires and to move in everything before the wedding.

I think trying to find a first home and having to move in right before the wedding is a BIG mistake. I feel it is TOO stressful for me and I have tried explaining this to him. I cannot handle both moving and a wedding!!!! It IS stressful enough as it and I fear that my mental state of being will not be able to handle this much stress. I am drained with everything going on and it IS over his head. He thinks I can toughen up and get over it but I cannot.

We had a fight over this yesterday. I am resigned. He wants what he wants even if it causes me distress and doesnt want to hear how I feel or consider me. He says he will try his best to minimize stress for me in house hunting but the last several mos have been high stress and the closer it gets to him all panicked over this house loan deadline, the more frenzied and stressed everything will be. He just does not get it!! It is purely logical common sense.

He doesn't want to wait and is convinced he will NEVER be able to buy a home if he misses this Oct 1st 2008 deadline as they are doing away with FHA. I feel that is a ridiculous and irrational line of thinking and he is allowing fear to control him and it is impairing his judgement severely.

Jimmy has a good job and good credit. I've seen people on welfare get homes with tons of kids. But whatever!!!! He feels he knows more than I do. It is a waste of breath to say otherwise.

I just hope things get less stressful cos I am overwhelmed right now and my mood swings are increasing because I have no psych medication and no psych who will treat me with my insurance so I am really struggling :(

Next I am going to share some pix I copied from the white chapel website where our wedding will be held. These give an idea of how some people decorated the chapel for the ceremony and also how they chose to do the reception room.

Jimmy still needs to talk to Janice to find out the amount of chairs/tables and what color or how they look. I hope it is in a neutral color because in one of the pix the chairs were bright tropical green and that wouldnt match our wedding colors of ivory, champagne and lilac!!

Update: WELL Jimmy talked to Janice last wkend. Turns out chairs are a bright bluegreen color- so this will NOT do. Jimmy is the one who called her and talked out things while I was asleep over the past wkend. He told me that he got a recommendation from the chapel/reception coordinator [Janice] for linen seat covers for our chairs and that it was a really reasonable price so he said we will go with that, at 3.50 a chair plus they do set up for you. We are estimating approx 8 tables, give or take and I think 8 tables holds an estimate of 8 people to one table. We needed to find out that information for other various wedding planning appts such as florist and for when we start shopping at michael's for arts/crafts DIY wedding decorations and party favors since that seems to be the more affordable route to go at this point!!

Here are the picture examples in chapel + reception hall at White Chapel in Palm Harbor:

CHAPEL FLORAL ARRANGEMENT IDEAS (see examples below from past weddings there:)








(two different styles from different weddings- it appears)






RECEPTION HALL IDEAS (for floral arrangements in hall and at tables:)

(those hanging bouquets (with lights or mini chandaliers) are unique but don't know if we could do this, how expensive it might be, and J thinks it looks too complex and we should stick to simple. but I like unique. We'll see, I suppose.)



+++

Thinking further and more in term of the bridal party bouquets and what I want..after some net surfing and research, here are some floral bouquet trends this year that I would most consider for my own potential bouquet for this wedding.

In all honesty, I am most drawn to the second one. This is mostly because I think there will be gold in my colors based on possible accessories. It depends if i go with necklace and shoes I am thinking of. This is of uncertain yet and I am hesitant as I don't really like gold all that much in terms of jewelry- I prefer white gold or silver to yellow gold so this could change and is very up-in-the-air at the moment!

BOUQUET TRENDS

ballerina bouquet:

summer pizza.

our mutual friend Karen [which i will write an entry about this week since we saw her and her husband over the weekend with their newborn and discussed real estate with]--- made the following summer appetizer a year or two ago at a party they had on their patio one summer nite when we attended and we loved it. it goes good with coctails and drinks as well and is refreshing and filling for those hot nites. ever since we had this, we had wanted to try making it ourselves.

well, jimmy is more the cook. i stay away from the kitchen. he enjoys making food. i do not. and i am more the recipe suggester/finder. anyway i was so excited to find this recipe over the weekend and so we went out to our local grocery store publix and purchased necessary ingredients in recipe [he only added a little extra mayo and garlic salt] and we chose our favorite fresh veggies to put on top [cucumber, broccoli, carrots and celery] - it came out smashing!

jimmy did a perfect job so i just had to take this picture of it and share the recipe for those who may like recipes and cooking :)

[below is the pic of the summer pizza we made, taken with my camera]




Cool Veggie Pizza
Submitted by: DebbieRated: 4 out of 5 by 28 members
Prep Time: 20 MinutesCook Time: 12 Minutes
Ready In: 1 Hour 30 MinutesYields: 10 servings

"This appetizer is a cool pizza made with refrigerated crescent roll dough and topped with finely chopped vegetables. Zucchini, mushrooms, green peppers, green onions and tomatoes all work well as toppings."


INGREDIENTS:
1 (10 ounce) can refrigerated
crescent roll dough
2 (8 ounce) packages cream
cheese, softened
1/2 tablespoon mayonnaise
1 teaspoon dried dill weed


DIRECTIONS:
1.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2.
In a lightly greased 9x13 inch pan or 13 inch round pizza stone, arrange the crescent roll dough in a single layer. Pinch together the edges of the dough. Bake for 12 minutes, or until it becomes a golden brown crust. Remove the crust from the oven and allow it to cool.
3.
In a medium bowl, mix together the cream cheese, mayonnaise and dill. Evenly spread the cream cheese mixture on the crust. Sprinkle toppings on top of the cream cheese spread. Refrigerate for 30 minutes to allow the spread to thicken.
4.
Cut the chilled pizza into wedges or squares with a pizza cutter to serve.


ALL RIGHTS RESERVED © 2008 Allrecipes.com

swarovski crystal/gold tiara + jewelry set.

below is the tiara i will be wearing with my gown [there is a veil- not pictured] which i got when i got my formal bridal dress at david's bridal.

today i got a matching necklace and earring set by same designer with swarovski crystal and similar gold frost metal design with rhinestone/pearl- a very subtle design but the sort of necklace style i was really searching for. the necklace and earring came in a set for 75.

i tried using macro to capture the photographic details of jewelry esp the crystal/rhinestone as that setting allows u to get clear accurate pix, without blurriness and the color looks exactly how it looks in person. most came out really good.

i am including pix of these just to share what my accessories look like - ive also matched my shoes to these accessories color. i felt the style of necklace with rhinestone makes everyone able to be more flexible in access they wear as its not as limited as the other necklace i considered wearing.

also, the girls can now wear the rhinestone clip in the bridesmaid dresses as it will accent my style and match perfectly now. i was so happy and excited to get this out of the way.

i was also fortunate to find a pair of shoes in the ideal subtle gold formal heal style with nice design and comfy material, flattering to my foot. i have flat feet, never wear heels, and have trouble finding heels or dressy shoes due to narrow petite small feet. i coincidentally found one i liked in my size 5 and a half and ironically it was way marked down so i got them for 21 dollars- they were originally 55 so im very happy and it also will be helpful to know all my main access colors when choosing decor. its nice that its finally set in stone and i can move further forward!


anyway, lots going on and its been a whirlwind. i'm sure ive left something out but if i remember anything else important, i will write again.

tiara:

shoes:

(they were hard to photograph so hopefully u get the idea. the lighting made it look too yellow, i tried to fix best as possible)

The more I think about it, I am considering having my hair dyed in a professional salon that uses a good designer brand of dye that specializes in vibrant shades of red. I know that Matrix and Redken in the past had a good line of dye and many shades of red.

Jimmy asked around at work as some of his coworkers have salons they go to in tampa. Their pricing is about how much I paid ten yrs ago and is reasonable, about 50 dollars for cut and color and I could maybe look into those places [or somewhere in a mall- or dept store] and get my hair trimmed and dyed closer to the wedding, like one or two weeks prior- but don't know if its cheaper than going to one salon for all my hair needs [cut, color and updo] or doing it separately from the updo salon.

PS

it is sorta blurry but this is the unity candle we chose and bought at david's bridal today.

our wedding floral plan of action!

we had a meeting with florist at publix also. it was overwhelming and a few hr appt as everything had to be picked from scratch. we're thinking of going with [for bouquets] roses with hyperium berries with hand tied cut off stem bouquets [dont know correct wording] its still a roughdraft idea. but i think the bridesmaids will have lollipop colored roses which are similar to coral color..and mine will be ivory/creme. its just an idea that we're playing with currently.

[jimmy called the chapel/reception coordinator and we will be able to use those floating candle dishes jenni let us borrow for the reception tables in lieu of florist centerpieces for each tabletop. ]

we were thinking of going with orchid arrangements [in lt yellow, lt green and melon-reddish variations for the majority of tables/reception area but thats up in the air still.] and looking at an asian looking style plant or orchid with butterflies for main altar display or something like this. again, those are rough ideas we need to still think over before making a final decision. the florist hasnt been reserved yet but doubt we will find another place more reasonable in price. the charge isn't much to have it delivered so we may opt for that as they bring everything to the place and help set up, possibly. im not sure- so much info was thrown out that we both walked out of there stressed and exhausted!!

without the pricing of the petals used in floating dishes, the wedding table floral centerpiece, cake table or guest table floral arrangement, altar arrangements and roses along church aisles, the price is estimated at 379.00 only including bouquets, boutoinneires and corsages. it doesn't get any cheaper than that. that was close to what my first wedding cost for florals in the mid 90's and my ex and i went thru the same company twelve years ago. so you aren't going to find any cheaper than 300.

i expect it to be under or close to five hundred maybe in the four hundred range when all is said and done. ive purposely chosen cheaper flowers. lilies and stefanolis [unsure of correct name/spelling] that i was often drawn to wanting to choose go up into the hundreds and thousands for just bouquets. you'd have to be rich so i've settled for roses/orchids which are way cheaper.

below is a roughdraft of the itinerary plan we mapped out together on a computer screen with our appointed florist:

after hours of catalogue browsing and speaking with florist at citrus park publix which specializes in wedding florals, we came away with these highly possible ideas:

bridal bouquet: 9 vendella creme/ivory roses with green Hypericum berries hand tied with creme ribbon 3/4 down

matron of honor & bridesmaid bouquet: 5 lollipop roses with peach Hypericum berries

boutonnieres: groom: vendella ivory/creme rose & green Hypericum

best man, groomsmen & ushers: lollipop rose with peach Hypericum

mother of bride & groom + grandmother: cream spray roses [can choose either corsage for wrist or corsage to pin to dress]

church altar for ceremony: two potted arrangements, altar arrangement plant- asian style or orchid with butterflies in design/plant, possible unity candle flower arrangement; pew arrangements with a few roses along aisles

reception: 8 centerpieces [if 8 tables- dependent upon number of guest b/t 50 and 75 people but won't know til rsvps are received later down road: possibly floating clear glass dishes with stones, orchid petals and votive candles for each table.