a picture I took of Jimmy before we were off to visit our friends Karen and Aaron and their new bundle of joy Eli!! :P
The visit with our friends Karen and Aaron confirmed everything I had expressed to Jimmy most recently in regard to the real estate agent whom I found unprofessional and incompetent and the stress of house hunting and so on...
All the things I had tried to say to Jimmy about Yvette not acting like a REAL real estate agent, I heard Karen and Aaron straight out saying. Even more surprising was that I even heard Jimmy admitting to them right in front of me how Yvette had not done a very good job and had been screwing him around!!! HOW FUNNY!! Can we say contradictive much????
Jimmy said to them a lot of what I have said to him a long time now but it was both redeeming and shocking to hear him say all I had said but overall I have to admit, I loved it and enjoyed knowing I had been right all along and he was too stubborn to admit that I was right.
This was redeeming because I've been fighting to get validation of my viewpoint from him from day one and shocking because WHY did he disagree and argue with me this entire time if he felt the exact same way?
It only proves that my intution in regard to him was completely right- his stubbornness and 'defensiveness' are all deeply related and tied to issues of insecurity, fear, an inferiority complex and complicated by parents who have overly high expectations that make him feel like he is not good enough and that NOT having a home equates failure and being low-class/worthless. He has not confessed these things to me but his reaction to things and some things he wrote me in an email when I confronted him last week confirm that for the most part, I was right.
Jimmy did not deny much of what I called him on and in fact agreed to tell his mother to stop asking him about our house hunting. I actually witnessed him tell her bluntly on the phone to quit asking just this past weekend and had the SHOCK of my life. Never in a million years did I think he would be so abrasive with her and it also surprised me he did it right in front of me as if he actually felt the same way as I did and was telling his mother to 'quit it' because he really all along thought the same way as I did but couldn't admit it outright ot himself or his mother (that she is a nag and controlling and its annoying)
I could hear her asking him why he wanted her to quit asking about houses and then hear him answering with, because he is sick and tired of being asked and he will let her know when something happens but didnt want to be asked every second and it was becoming downright irritating.
I was shocked. I have never heard him speak aggressively towards his mother and it seemed somewhat mean. I almost felt bad for her but I think with his mom you have to be bold like he was or she doesn't take it seriously or thinks its a joke OR just keeps nagging like you never said a word. I have to say people like that irritate the f**k out of me. I felt very touched that Jimmy actually did what he promised me and what we had fought over last week and also proud, that he stood up for himself with the person that I often think keeps him blocked most in life.
From my personal email to him last week, here is a piece of my email filled with my most honest thoughts/feelings directed towards him. This was somewhat expressed in my diary prior to me writing him, but may vary slightly from that blog entry in here. I did send him a revised, more gentle copy of what I wrote here in regard to my confliction/stress of house hunting and how he was being to OPEN his eyes.
I think sometimes when someone reads about themselves in 3rd person, that this can make them really see thru your eyes better than when you are expressing direct feelings. I felt like it impacted him in ways my more direct letters NEVER have.
I feel Jimmy is a successful person in many facets of his life and has wonderful potential for more success in his future however I feel that his parents high expectations/attitudes push him too hard and this truly blocks him and is a source of inner confliction and self-doubt. It makes me both sad and angry and also frustrated that I cannot do anything and I am helpless to make him see this without offending him.I share the above excerpt because it is my belief that this is the part that most reached him, affected him, and possibly made him think about things and how his family truly is. I still think that this realization doesn't change his actions/reactions to things entirely. His brain is still hardwired to please, kiss up, and meet all high expectations of mother and father regardless of any rational realization. A pattern like that does not get erased or replace over night. He will always fall back to the original wired/trained thoughts because we always go back to what we know and what feels familiar and the truth is dysfunctional patterns take a life time of hard work to undo what has been done to a person.
I know it's unrealistic to think that everyone has the willpower to change these things. I think I do, but it will take forever. As for him, I think it is easier for him to resort to avoidance and defeatist patterns and its up to him to take accountability and responsibility for his life and actions. I can't do it for him. He has to do it for himself, otherwise it means nothing.
I don't expect him to change over nite but I believe in self awareness in the highest degree and feel it does not hurt that I teach him to be more aware of himself, his reactions to things in life and how patterns form based on upbringing and family, and that this is all VERY very relative to him and I- and determines how one relates to the loved one we choose to share a life with today!
So anyway, when we had our fight last week, I told him bluntly that he was not a child and needed to stop allowing his mother/parents treat him like a little boy. I told him he was an adult and if he didn't stand up for himself, they would continue to treat him as someone whom they think incapable of making adult decisions. I find it demeaning that they do not allow him to think and decide with his own mind at 37 yrs old- going on 38!
Unfortunately, I have noticed she has been calling him everyday since that convo and he even commented that it was weird she had been calling everyday [she normally calls every two to three days which I still feel is OVERKILL since they live in same state and we see them regularly- at times more than my own parents who are way closer than they are. they are over an hr and half away driving] I mean I don't call my own parents that much esp when they live in the same state and we can make time to see them physically! I sometimes feel there is a bit of a momma's boy factor going on and that is precisely the problem.
So I am a bit disappointed to say that after Jimmy reprimanded his mother for asking about house-hunting, that every convo they've had since then which I have witnessed, he has voluntarily talked about and shared his latest feelings on homes and plans, what we are looking at and so on. So, it is BACK to the same old dysfunctional pattern and I now realize that he is as much as part of the problem as she is. He is unable to refrain from sharing something that he knows she will put her piece of mind in and critique. It seems a perpetual pattern in their relationship, one that I doubt he is even aware of.
I've decided to keep quiet because I believe people who go back to previous patterns, go back because it feels comfortable and more safe than making a change. I understand that since I do this in many aspects of my life and even familial relationships, so I feel its the old saying that wins, choose your battles wisely..It's just not something any person can change over night. I don't think Jimmy can stop telling his mother things and I think if she senses any pull away, it only provokes her to insert herself in our lives more. It is almost counterproductive to try to stop it and pointless because she is bound to win.
So anyway, after all that. we went to St. Petersburg where our friends live about 40 mins away. [Note that St. Pete is near clearwater which is where i pretty much was raised all my life and where my parents live and i know clearwater like the back of my hand which is about 20 mins from st pete- i also spent some years in st pete as i went to jr college there years ago, dated and had friends there. its also where i had my first marriage and where i lived at that time. i know clearwater and st pete far better than tampa and i find it more friendly, feels like home, as opposed to a city like Tampa.]
Tampa, where we currently reside, is less than an hr away from both cities and bigger than both but in many ways Tampa is slummier, going downhill with pockets of ROUGH violent/ drug dealing neighborhoods. So, despite all its big city, nite club appearance that has its moments of cool--- I pretty much HATE Tampa at this point and am sick of having to drive by endless exotic dancer and strip clubs. There is absolutely nothing I hate more than topless and full nude lowclass stripclubs. We have an abundance of both. I want to live around an area that doesnt make me feel so angry, disappointed in society and sick/dirty, ashamed to be a woman. That's why st. pete is beginning to appeal more and more...we've got some friends over there and one of the pair of them [they are married]....
Karen studied in real estate back in 2006 but just before she went to take her test to get her license, she had so much going on as she had a full time job as well and decided to drop out due to inability to handle the stress/ However, both Karen's father and sister are in the real estate business and its also how they got their house with her dad's expertise and help.
[BTW, HGtv is our new fave channel for their wealth of home hunting shows esp house hunters and international househunters- our only complaint is: show some real people , the average american couple that struggles to buy a home as all of these couples are YOUNGER than us and are either rich , well off or have some form of parental help because their budget is like anywhere from 400,000 to 900,000 which is unreal to both Jimmy and I. Jimmy is middle class, not poor in social class status however we cannot even afford a 200,000 home. and he is not poor. But watching these shows you do begin to feel somewhat depressed because it makes you feel like you are poor and that its impossible to ever own a decent home]
Anyway, back on topic :D
Karen's dad is a real estate broker and her and her husband aaron gave us some valuable tips/pointers. A lot of what they said was what I had been trying to J. over the past months but he refused to listen to me- it was So refreshing and I revelled hearing them say all the things I said!! It's kind of like a "I told you so" moment AND altho it sux it's this way, I KNEW he would not refuse to listen to them since they are NOT in our relationship and they are solely HIS friends, people he knew before me. I knew that would give him the ability to really listen without bias and without thinking I was trying to control things or manipulate. I knew if it came from the outside not connected to me or my friends in my life- that he would be more willing to listen and unable to use his stubborn stance with them!! and I was RIGHT.
After talking for several hours with them [and aaron drove us around to a few homes, just to see the outside and the neighborhood areas around st. pete, of about five homes wed chosen online on a real estate site]-- I think Jimmy is finally through with Yvette!!!!!! Haha I do not think he wants to go back to her and that this visit with friends was what he needed to finally ADMIT I was right all along!
They said all the things I tried suggesting to him- that she was unprofessional- they agreed with me she should have set up an appt in her office [we never had any] and also known what was IN or OUT of our range after the first meeting. They said it sounded fishy, and like she was only after a sale and our money. They also advised against using the loan guy who was also talking with Yvette and connected to her. They said it sounded suspicious and like there was some possible commission by her using him and vice versa. They recommended you never use a loan lender thru your real estate agent and cautioned us against it.
FINALLY people saying everything I sensed and finally Jimmy listening and realizing the truth. I do think from their reaction that they felt he was being taken for a ride and swindled and that the time weve wasted in looking is beyond what it should be and wouldn't be if we had a competent real estate agent. They also found it amazing and unprofessional that we have done all the work.
Yvette never found us homes, we found them ourselves than emailed it to her and met up with her in a parking lot and then she drove us to what we had emailed her. They found it strange just like I did that it was like we were working for her rather than her working for us. They said it was ridiculous and to drop her, not even waste any more of our time with her.
So long story short, Karen's going to send her dad via email about ten homes we are interested in, by where they live in St. Pete, and have him email us with pertinent info and possibly set up a meeting to sit down and talk - and possibly take us over to the homes to see them, inside and such. I asked Jimmy months ago to ask Karen for her family's help as she is a sweet honest upfront genuine person whom I knew would help in a heartbeat and have lots of useful information.
Btw, here is the last pic of Karen and I, taken a few yrs ago and below is Karen with her husband [her husband's in an indie alternative rock band that is local in st pete / tampa and which my fiance has managed for a few yrs now via myspace. They've taken a break recently- and obviously becos of their new edition to the family. Their son is now 6 wks old and he was absolutely adorable]
Anyway a few pix of our friends!
Me with Karen at homeless thanksgiving benefit at Skipper's Smokehouse in Tampa- November 2006
Lead singer of local band and husband of K.Karen and Aaron did make a slight comment to Jimmy that they thought it an awful lot to plan a wedding and then try to buy a home and move in, practically the month before our wedding. I made a sarcastic remark to everyone which I am sure did not go missed- that I felt it suicide to do that and overly stressful and that I did not want to do it, found it unrealistic, and completely stupid to do but that that was Jimmy wanted and he refused to listen to me.
I think Aaron's brother who is older and was also there seemed to acknowledge how I felt and almost agree with a semi-supportive statement that seemed to say that doing just a wedding alone or finding a home without a wedding, was so stressful that he could not even imagine the amount of stress two of these things would cause. I sensed he was actually supporting my feelings and not supporting Jimmy's idea but because we don't know him very well and he probably sensed the subject to be heated, he didn't want to say anything to ignite things or maybe cause a fight b/t us. I felt or sensed he tried to word it all in a way that didnt make Jimmy feel he was telling him what to do or being judgemental/critical and I wonder IF maybe they did sense the tension as it was apparent at this visit and we've known them socially and have had many social visits for the past two years but they've never really seen tension b/t us like this so out in the open. I did feel on edge because topics brought up are ones weve recently fought over and I have issues with so anyone bringing them up, just adds/brings more fuel to the fire and keeps things aflame which is what we DO NOT need right now.
I felt constantly aware of this 'tension', embarrassed, uncomfortable and guilty that they saw us that way. They probably think we are completely incompatible because there was a constant clashing of views when it came to what i want in a house and what he wants, how I think planning a wedding and finding a home is stupid to do right now, and my view of what this wedding means to me while he enjoys stressing how he cannot wait til it is all over and beyond us. I winced when he said that especially after I had just expressed my hurt recently over how much this wedding meant to me and that his constant remarks of how he never wanted this or statements that make it seem like he does not look forward to our wedding celebration etc. were destroying me and I resented him and told him that he would ruin our relationship if he continued on this path. I had warned him and yet he continues to slip in little jabs that make me feel worthless.
We view things differently on a lot of the above stuff and it has become increasingly hard not to fight. We are both very stressed, it's true but sometimes it just feels very discouraging. I don't want to go much into detail because I am not much in the mood for negative critiques on the relationship [not that any of you would but just don't want to invite it] and we are getting married so we have to learn to deal with stress, have to learn to cope with differences b/t us and find ways to compromise.
I don't have a problem with compromising though. It is him that I have to pull teeth with and has great difficulty in compromising. I am sure some people think we are incompatible together but I believe in making things work and believe that it is not impossible. We've made a commitment - and I don't believe in backing out or giving up on anything. I love him and I think he loves me as well. Sometimes though our differences work against us and that's extremely saddening for me.
Love is not perfect and this relationship isn't either but I will keep trying because I want to, and because I believe in our future and that building anything worth investing in takes time and a lot of hard work. I am determined even if this means my own blood sweat and tears.
