owning a home does not equal self worth!!!

a quickie on the latest of things. jimmy is resigned i think if not crushed. karen wrote him back in regard to giving advice on the whole house hunting thing and if he should buy now or really wait.

she prefaced her email with " here is my advice although you may not really want to hear it"

i could not believe it but she said pretty much all that i've said to him, except with the professional terms used for real estate, business and financing/loans etc which i know little about. regardless of that fact, she pretty much emphasized and stressed what i had been trying to get him to see but he would not listen to me.

i did mention that a bit to him without rubbing it entirely in his face. i tried to be gentle. mainly i wanted him to see that i had said the same thing and he had not listened to me or given me any credit for what i had suggested. i kind of felt it vital he see that he had ignored what i had said solely because i had said it and he saw me as someone to fight, where as his own friend whom there is no tension or arguments with had just said the same thing as i.

i wanted him to be aware of the way he had shut me out and closed his ears to my thoughts/feelings, advice to him but that he did not treat others outside of our relationship that way. i think i made my point but i don't think he is aware why he did it. i think i am.

i think it's harder to separate yourself in a relationship especially when there is tension and stress going on b/t two people. it is easier to see or hear others advice when you are getting a point of view from outside of the relationship, however, i could tell that it was not a point of view he wanted to hear or swallow even if it was from sweet harmless Karen.

when he told me what she said, i could tell he didn't really want to accept it but the more we talked about it, the more he began to become resigned. he has a major hangup that his self worth, successfulness is tied to IF he can buy a home NOW. i feel its irrational and untrue. your self worth is not tied to buying something as superficial and material as a home.

sure it would be nice but if my self worth was tied to that, i'd want to kill myself because obviously i am on disability and have no kind of stability that even warrants me to be on my own, let alone to buy anything that big. i can't even work a normal job and haven't most of my life so like for me to survive, i cannot let my selfworth become tied to things like buying/owning homes and things beyond my means like that.

jimmy's mom for some reason has been calling more than ever now. almost everyday. and yes she asks him every time she calls, what's new, have we found a house to buy yet or when are we getting our house? she won't quit. his resolve to stand up to her has disappeared and faded completely as i suspected it would. she is like a broken record, its energy draining to try to change someone that has their own agenda and isnt ever going to change. she's stubborn and hard of hearing. i do not think she can change. she is bossy and controlling, critical, judgemental. its annoying but as long as i dont have to live with her or follow her rules, i am fine.

so anyway the other nite jimmy told his mother that we wouldnt be buying a home afterall and explained to her what karen had told him. she basically said if the bank disapproved you because your debt to ratio was too much, then it was wise that you not even get a home right now and that meant you really could not afford it and should wait, save money. she said it was not worth it to go with a lesser known bank for your mortgage and was very risky. she said you should only go with reputable well known banks for your financing and loan/mortgage etc.

[he had tried for a loan via the school he works for- his bank is via a teacher's credit union and this friend and her husband also go thru them and have gotten mortgage loans via them. that's why karen recommended he try suncoast]

She suggested what I had suggested quite a few times in the past few months but it fell on deaf ears when I bought it up while him and bitch real estate agent Yvette both looked at me like I was a dummy, and stated that was a waste of money when you could buy a place rather than throwing your money away to rent.

What they would not get was we are already throwing away our money in a shit hole and we don't know how long it will be til we can find a home we can afford to buy so while we are waiting it would NOT be wasting any money to rent a house rather than an apt.

Renting a house would give many of the benefits and features we were looking for in a home and get us out of an apt setting. But NO he would not hear of it and they reacted to me like my idea was just plain stupid and lacked common sense. So I shut up.

Funny how months down the road and at the final waking up point for Jimmy- someone outside of all this who has a trustworthy personality, and down to earth friendliness, no reason to guide him or steer him in the wrong direction- Karen- funny how she would point out something along the lines of what I had suggested to Jimmy more than once.

Karen suggested we try renting a home - possibly in st. pete- for a year to see how we like it in st. pete first of all and to also have time to save up to buy a home. She thought it the best advice she could offer. She also told Jimmy those FHA loans were not enough reason to buy a home right now or take such a risk without enough money saved for such a huge lifetime purchase.

[Btw, for those who dont know- FHA loan is a limited time loan given by the govt, for First Time Home Buyers, where the seller of the home will pay for 3 percent of the selling price of home and closing costs or something like that. They put money towards the home and the govt writes it off as a gift that goes to a charity organization or something like that. I think they did this because the housing market/foreclosure rate/and economy is so alarmingly horrible right now that they put that out there for incentive, to get people to buy while the housing market is down. I'm really bad at business oriented stuff like that so Ive explained it best I could. Based on all Ive heard from Jimmy, Yvette, and others inc. the news on business and economy related stuff in America.]

In any case, what Karen basically said to Jimmy in her letter about FHA was that if he was only buying because of FHA or that was his main incentive, then he shouldn't buy at all. It wasn't enough reason and worth it to make yourself poor. Also, she said if you don't have at least 10 percent [i am not sure of exact percentage but think its around that figure] to put down on the house and closing costs then you should not even be thinking of buying a home. It would be very unwise - in other words.

So when Jimmy told a summarized version to his mother the other nite, of what Karen had said, I could tell there were a bunch of dumbfounded WHY's and I could tell she wasn't buying it completely and was harping on him for not buying a home now, for not having one by now at his age of 37, for not measuring up. I do not know if she said those things to him or those exact words but I feel like that is what she makes Jimmy feel like- like he is behind from everyone his own age and everyone who is worth anything and that he is simply a failure without his own home. I'm sure she doesnt say those words to him or express herself that way but I can bet you that the sentences I've suggested above are ones she makes him feel like. I feel bad all around for him.

So, now Jimmy has switched to his next plan of action. We want to get out of this hellhole that has become very downhill ghetto and infested with bugs. We have tried spraying numerous times and we keep our place very clean. There is no reason why we should still have bugs but they won't go away and we think the entire building is corroded and if other tenants do not take care of their homes, than obviously they are going to keep inviting the bugs to nest and form more babies. We do want to get the fk out of here and both have come to loath our place here - mainly because of that fact and because the stairway and grounds around the place is disgusting and filthy- dirty, food on the ground. No one ever maintains the stairways, cleans the grounds or anything. I've never in my life lived in such a dirty place and I have lived places worst than this and cheaper than this so its the people who own it and the people they let live here. I cannot wait to get away from here! I have grown to despise it as much as Jimmy has. We make our own inside jokes to get thru it, of course.

So, we started looking at Craig's list. My only anxiety is I hope that he doesn't have the crazy idea of finding and renting a home before the wedding. Funny thing is I bet he does because it's his mother who keeps saying, wouldn't you like to have a place - a new place to come home to after your honeymoon and things such as- but where will u put all the wedding presents??? and on and on, things to make him stress over and worry about.

I think she is so OUT OF TOUCH and btw this is going to be a small wedding with a lot of distant relatives. I do not expect we will get many wedding presents let alone many big ones and his parents are frugal in gifting so I kind of feel like his mother is just creating unneccessary anxiety over things that aren't even relevant to our situation.

Anyway, so yes, we have begun looking at some homes in st. pete. We've glanced at some condos/townhomes also but I think he'd prefer to find a rental home before he'd opt for the townhome. I don't know ... it's all up in the air and Im sure we will delve more into looking at the want-ads in our price range [from 700 to 900 dollars a month, at very most 1000 which he said was a bit much for him but he could manage, he says. we pay under $800 right now but also pay for a storage unit which totals our rent and storage at around 850 a month.] Still, you aren't going to find a two bedroom/two full bathroom place as cheap as this apt anywhere. It is relatively cheap. That's why we opted to live here in the first place!

Anyway, these are some of the listings we were compelled to email to ourselves last nite and places we may go and visit in the near future, if he gets ahold of the person who ran the add that is.

Very nice!!!! 2 bed, 1&1/2 bath, St.Petersburg

Reply to: xxphongv@hotmail.com
Date: 2008-08-06, 11:18PM

$955/month, 1 and 1/2 month security deposit.

*Very nice 2 bedroom, 1 & 1/2 bath house on a big corner lot.

*Also,an add on room that can be used as office, extra bedroom, game room, etc.. *Couple recently relocated to NYC for work.

*Lot's of new updates, privacy fence, master bath (luxury), recess lighting, ceiling fans and more....

*Lawn Maintenance included

*Washer/Dryer

Pet's are ok!
call Vicky at 727-541-2578 ex 121 or visit us http/:www.allcountyprop.com

4300 at 4th ave north google map yahoo map

Original URL: http://tampa.craigslist.org/pnl/apa/786354944.html

Tyrone Area-In Quiet Desirable Neighborhood

Reply to: hous-786747908@craigslist.org

Date: 2008-08-07, 10:40AM


2 Bedroom/1 bath- Hardwood Floors in LR,DR,2BR. Ceramic Tile in Kitchen, Ceiling Fans, Modern Kitchen with breakfast bar, Dining room with door leading out to beutiful backyard living space, One car garage, washer/dryer hookups, CHA. Great Neighborhood (located behind Toys R Us).Must See.Call 727-481-1077. Available September 1st.

6372 at 17 Terrace North google map yahoo map

• Location: St. Petersburg


• Charming HOUSE- Huge backyard

Reply to: hous-787381907@craigslist.org

Date: 2008-08-07, 5:45PM

2 bedrooms plus a bonus room- Available NOW!

Lovely wood and ceramic floors, coved ceiling, spacious family room.

Corner lot backs up to a small creek. The backyard deck is truly unique. Giant oaks, tropical plants create a relaxing atmosphere! Just a few minutes to get to downtown or the beach, a short bike ride to the Pinellas Trail.

Cat OK with a non-refundable deposit. Small dog only (under 25lbs) Dogs will be approved on a case-by-case basis. Maximum of 2 pets are allowed.

Move-in costs:

First month rent: $950

Security deposit: $750

Pet deposit: $175 per approved pet, non-refundable

Last month rent: $950 (can be broken into 3 payments)

We run both credit report and nationwide criminal background checks on all adult applicants. 12 months lease only. Please email me for more information.

5162 2nd Ave N google map yahoo map

• Location: St. Petersburg
• 
  
  

validation- told you SO!!! time to wake up.

a picture I took of Jimmy before we were off to visit our friends Karen and Aaron and their new bundle of joy Eli!! :P

The visit with our friends Karen and Aaron confirmed everything I had expressed to Jimmy most recently in regard to the real estate agent whom I found unprofessional and incompetent and the stress of house hunting and so on...

All the things I had tried to say to Jimmy about Yvette not acting like a REAL real estate agent, I heard Karen and Aaron straight out saying. Even more surprising was that I even heard Jimmy admitting to them right in front of me how Yvette had not done a very good job and had been screwing him around!!! HOW FUNNY!! Can we say contradictive much????

Jimmy said to them a lot of what I have said to him a long time now but it was both redeeming and shocking to hear him say all I had said but overall I have to admit, I loved it and enjoyed knowing I had been right all along and he was too stubborn to admit that I was right.

This was redeeming because I've been fighting to get validation of my viewpoint from him from day one and shocking because WHY did he disagree and argue with me this entire time if he felt the exact same way?

It only proves that my intution in regard to him was completely right- his stubbornness and 'defensiveness' are all deeply related and tied to issues of insecurity, fear, an inferiority complex and complicated by parents who have overly high expectations that make him feel like he is not good enough and that NOT having a home equates failure and being low-class/worthless. He has not confessed these things to me but his reaction to things and some things he wrote me in an email when I confronted him last week confirm that for the most part, I was right.

Jimmy did not deny much of what I called him on and in fact agreed to tell his mother to stop asking him about our house hunting. I actually witnessed him tell her bluntly on the phone to quit asking just this past weekend and had the SHOCK of my life. Never in a million years did I think he would be so abrasive with her and it also surprised me he did it right in front of me as if he actually felt the same way as I did and was telling his mother to 'quit it' because he really all along thought the same way as I did but couldn't admit it outright ot himself or his mother (that she is a nag and controlling and its annoying)

I could hear her asking him why he wanted her to quit asking about houses and then hear him answering with, because he is sick and tired of being asked and he will let her know when something happens but didnt want to be asked every second and it was becoming downright irritating.

I was shocked. I have never heard him speak aggressively towards his mother and it seemed somewhat mean. I almost felt bad for her but I think with his mom you have to be bold like he was or she doesn't take it seriously or thinks its a joke OR just keeps nagging like you never said a word. I have to say people like that irritate the f**k out of me. I felt very touched that Jimmy actually did what he promised me and what we had fought over last week and also proud, that he stood up for himself with the person that I often think keeps him blocked most in life.

From my personal email to him last week, here is a piece of my email filled with my most honest thoughts/feelings directed towards him. This was somewhat expressed in my diary prior to me writing him, but may vary slightly from that blog entry in here. I did send him a revised, more gentle copy of what I wrote here in regard to my confliction/stress of house hunting and how he was being to OPEN his eyes.

I think sometimes when someone reads about themselves in 3rd person, that this can make them really see thru your eyes better than when you are expressing direct feelings. I felt like it impacted him in ways my more direct letters NEVER have.

I feel Jimmy is a successful person in many facets of his life and has wonderful potential for more success in his future however I feel that his parents high expectations/attitudes push him too hard and this truly blocks him and is a source of inner confliction and self-doubt. It makes me both sad and angry and also frustrated that I cannot do anything and I am helpless to make him see this without offending him.

I share the above excerpt because it is my belief that this is the part that most reached him, affected him, and possibly made him think about things and how his family truly is. I still think that this realization doesn't change his actions/reactions to things entirely. His brain is still hardwired to please, kiss up, and meet all high expectations of mother and father regardless of any rational realization. A pattern like that does not get erased or replace over night. He will always fall back to the original wired/trained thoughts because we always go back to what we know and what feels familiar and the truth is dysfunctional patterns take a life time of hard work to undo what has been done to a person.

I know it's unrealistic to think that everyone has the willpower to change these things. I think I do, but it will take forever. As for him, I think it is easier for him to resort to avoidance and defeatist patterns and its up to him to take accountability and responsibility for his life and actions. I can't do it for him. He has to do it for himself, otherwise it means nothing.

I don't expect him to change over nite but I believe in self awareness in the highest degree and feel it does not hurt that I teach him to be more aware of himself, his reactions to things in life and how patterns form based on upbringing and family, and that this is all VERY very relative to him and I- and determines how one relates to the loved one we choose to share a life with today!

So anyway, when we had our fight last week, I told him bluntly that he was not a child and needed to stop allowing his mother/parents treat him like a little boy. I told him he was an adult and if he didn't stand up for himself, they would continue to treat him as someone whom they think incapable of making adult decisions. I find it demeaning that they do not allow him to think and decide with his own mind at 37 yrs old- going on 38!

Unfortunately, I have noticed she has been calling him everyday since that convo and he even commented that it was weird she had been calling everyday [she normally calls every two to three days which I still feel is OVERKILL since they live in same state and we see them regularly- at times more than my own parents who are way closer than they are. they are over an hr and half away driving] I mean I don't call my own parents that much esp when they live in the same state and we can make time to see them physically! I sometimes feel there is a bit of a momma's boy factor going on and that is precisely the problem.

So I am a bit disappointed to say that after Jimmy reprimanded his mother for asking about house-hunting, that every convo they've had since then which I have witnessed, he has voluntarily talked about and shared his latest feelings on homes and plans, what we are looking at and so on. So, it is BACK to the same old dysfunctional pattern and I now realize that he is as much as part of the problem as she is. He is unable to refrain from sharing something that he knows she will put her piece of mind in and critique. It seems a perpetual pattern in their relationship, one that I doubt he is even aware of.

I've decided to keep quiet because I believe people who go back to previous patterns, go back because it feels comfortable and more safe than making a change. I understand that since I do this in many aspects of my life and even familial relationships, so I feel its the old saying that wins, choose your battles wisely..It's just not something any person can change over night. I don't think Jimmy can stop telling his mother things and I think if she senses any pull away, it only provokes her to insert herself in our lives more. It is almost counterproductive to try to stop it and pointless because she is bound to win.

So anyway, after all that. we went to St. Petersburg where our friends live about 40 mins away. [Note that St. Pete is near clearwater which is where i pretty much was raised all my life and where my parents live and i know clearwater like the back of my hand which is about 20 mins from st pete- i also spent some years in st pete as i went to jr college there years ago, dated and had friends there. its also where i had my first marriage and where i lived at that time. i know clearwater and st pete far better than tampa and i find it more friendly, feels like home, as opposed to a city like Tampa.]

Tampa, where we currently reside, is less than an hr away from both cities and bigger than both but in many ways Tampa is slummier, going downhill with pockets of ROUGH violent/ drug dealing neighborhoods. So, despite all its big city, nite club appearance that has its moments of cool--- I pretty much HATE Tampa at this point and am sick of having to drive by endless exotic dancer and strip clubs. There is absolutely nothing I hate more than topless and full nude lowclass stripclubs. We have an abundance of both. I want to live around an area that doesnt make me feel so angry, disappointed in society and sick/dirty, ashamed to be a woman. That's why st. pete is beginning to appeal more and more...we've got some friends over there and one of the pair of them [they are married]....

Karen studied in real estate back in 2006 but just before she went to take her test to get her license, she had so much going on as she had a full time job as well and decided to drop out due to inability to handle the stress/ However, both Karen's father and sister are in the real estate business and its also how they got their house with her dad's expertise and help.

[BTW, HGtv is our new fave channel for their wealth of home hunting shows esp house hunters and international househunters- our only complaint is: show some real people , the average american couple that struggles to buy a home as all of these couples are YOUNGER than us and are either rich , well off or have some form of parental help because their budget is like anywhere from 400,000 to 900,000 which is unreal to both Jimmy and I. Jimmy is middle class, not poor in social class status however we cannot even afford a 200,000 home. and he is not poor. But watching these shows you do begin to feel somewhat depressed because it makes you feel like you are poor and that its impossible to ever own a decent home]

Anyway, back on topic :D

Karen's dad is a real estate broker and her and her husband aaron gave us some valuable tips/pointers. A lot of what they said was what I had been trying to J. over the past months but he refused to listen to me- it was So refreshing and I revelled hearing them say all the things I said!! It's kind of like a "I told you so" moment AND altho it sux it's this way, I KNEW he would not refuse to listen to them since they are NOT in our relationship and they are solely HIS friends, people he knew before me. I knew that would give him the ability to really listen without bias and without thinking I was trying to control things or manipulate. I knew if it came from the outside not connected to me or my friends in my life- that he would be more willing to listen and unable to use his stubborn stance with them!! and I was RIGHT.

After talking for several hours with them [and aaron drove us around to a few homes, just to see the outside and the neighborhood areas around st. pete, of about five homes wed chosen online on a real estate site]-- I think Jimmy is finally through with Yvette!!!!!! Haha I do not think he wants to go back to her and that this visit with friends was what he needed to finally ADMIT I was right all along!

They said all the things I tried suggesting to him- that she was unprofessional- they agreed with me she should have set up an appt in her office [we never had any] and also known what was IN or OUT of our range after the first meeting. They said it sounded fishy, and like she was only after a sale and our money. They also advised against using the loan guy who was also talking with Yvette and connected to her. They said it sounded suspicious and like there was some possible commission by her using him and vice versa. They recommended you never use a loan lender thru your real estate agent and cautioned us against it.

FINALLY people saying everything I sensed and finally Jimmy listening and realizing the truth. I do think from their reaction that they felt he was being taken for a ride and swindled and that the time weve wasted in looking is beyond what it should be and wouldn't be if we had a competent real estate agent. They also found it amazing and unprofessional that we have done all the work.

Yvette never found us homes, we found them ourselves than emailed it to her and met up with her in a parking lot and then she drove us to what we had emailed her. They found it strange just like I did that it was like we were working for her rather than her working for us. They said it was ridiculous and to drop her, not even waste any more of our time with her.

So long story short, Karen's going to send her dad via email about ten homes we are interested in, by where they live in St. Pete, and have him email us with pertinent info and possibly set up a meeting to sit down and talk - and possibly take us over to the homes to see them, inside and such. I asked Jimmy months ago to ask Karen for her family's help as she is a sweet honest upfront genuine person whom I knew would help in a heartbeat and have lots of useful information.

Btw, here is the last pic of Karen and I, taken a few yrs ago and below is Karen with her husband [her husband's in an indie alternative rock band that is local in st pete / tampa and which my fiance has managed for a few yrs now via myspace. They've taken a break recently- and obviously becos of their new edition to the family. Their son is now 6 wks old and he was absolutely adorable]

Anyway a few pix of our friends!


Me with Karen at homeless thanksgiving benefit at Skipper's Smokehouse in Tampa- November 2006


Lead singer of local band and husband of K.

Karen and Aaron did make a slight comment to Jimmy that they thought it an awful lot to plan a wedding and then try to buy a home and move in, practically the month before our wedding. I made a sarcastic remark to everyone which I am sure did not go missed- that I felt it suicide to do that and overly stressful and that I did not want to do it, found it unrealistic, and completely stupid to do but that that was Jimmy wanted and he refused to listen to me.

I think Aaron's brother who is older and was also there seemed to acknowledge how I felt and almost agree with a semi-supportive statement that seemed to say that doing just a wedding alone or finding a home without a wedding, was so stressful that he could not even imagine the amount of stress two of these things would cause. I sensed he was actually supporting my feelings and not supporting Jimmy's idea but because we don't know him very well and he probably sensed the subject to be heated, he didn't want to say anything to ignite things or maybe cause a fight b/t us. I felt or sensed he tried to word it all in a way that didnt make Jimmy feel he was telling him what to do or being judgemental/critical and I wonder IF maybe they did sense the tension as it was apparent at this visit and we've known them socially and have had many social visits for the past two years but they've never really seen tension b/t us like this so out in the open. I did feel on edge because topics brought up are ones weve recently fought over and I have issues with so anyone bringing them up, just adds/brings more fuel to the fire and keeps things aflame which is what we DO NOT need right now.

I felt constantly aware of this 'tension', embarrassed, uncomfortable and guilty that they saw us that way. They probably think we are completely incompatible because there was a constant clashing of views when it came to what i want in a house and what he wants, how I think planning a wedding and finding a home is stupid to do right now, and my view of what this wedding means to me while he enjoys stressing how he cannot wait til it is all over and beyond us. I winced when he said that especially after I had just expressed my hurt recently over how much this wedding meant to me and that his constant remarks of how he never wanted this or statements that make it seem like he does not look forward to our wedding celebration etc. were destroying me and I resented him and told him that he would ruin our relationship if he continued on this path. I had warned him and yet he continues to slip in little jabs that make me feel worthless.

We view things differently on a lot of the above stuff and it has become increasingly hard not to fight. We are both very stressed, it's true but sometimes it just feels very discouraging. I don't want to go much into detail because I am not much in the mood for negative critiques on the relationship [not that any of you would but just don't want to invite it] and we are getting married so we have to learn to deal with stress, have to learn to cope with differences b/t us and find ways to compromise.

I don't have a problem with compromising though. It is him that I have to pull teeth with and has great difficulty in compromising. I am sure some people think we are incompatible together but I believe in making things work and believe that it is not impossible. We've made a commitment - and I don't believe in backing out or giving up on anything. I love him and I think he loves me as well. Sometimes though our differences work against us and that's extremely saddening for me.

Love is not perfect and this relationship isn't either but I will keep trying because I want to, and because I believe in our future and that building anything worth investing in takes time and a lot of hard work. I am determined even if this means my own blood sweat and tears.

a waste of breath.

i tried talking sense into jimmy the other day, via email and in person. it turned into somewhat of a nasty fight.

he is convinced if he doesn't buy a home he will never have one and feels at 37 he is way past due. i could not talk any sense into him and getting upset, telling him he was being ridiculous, stupid, ignorant, unrealistic and impossible wasnt worth it.

sharing my disapproval [i tried the civil rational way via email but that did not work] but it only made jimmy more determined, headstrong, and stupidly stubborn. it was pointless to express my feelings.

he is being naive and foolish.

i emphasized that this is too much to worry about right before a wedding. and too stressful. he dismissed my feelings and my stress and said life is all about pressure and u just deal with it.

his way of lack of empathy tough love approach or whatever u want to call it- stubborn asshole male sentiments i guess- IS POINTLESS and WASTEFUL.

it doesn't and won't work for me.

i pretty much blew a fuse. i felt so frustrated and angry at him.

i couldn't get my point across and there really was no care about how this is affecting me emotionally- i simply said i wasn't going to tolerate this and a compromise would be worked out or i'd be leaving. i hung up.

while he was on the phone, he kept telling me he couldn't talk anyway abruptly and was angry i called his work so pissed, i hung up on him. why waste my time? it was the day before yesterday but everytime i think of it, i get enraged and want to scream f-you at the top of my lungs.

i am mostly okay-- if i don't think about it.

it wasn't the most mature thing to do and i felt pushed to my limits and hopeless. i just get so angry when he won't talk to me about the thing that is truly upsetting me and his attitude was like i just have to go along with whatever he wants and what i feel/think really has no meaning. and that i better just deal with it. it pisses me off to be treated like i am worth nothing or that he is HIGHER than i when he is NOT. i don't appreciate being treated like a child. he knows all this. i'm like a broken record telling him i won't stand for imbalance in our relationship and not having a say in what we do in our lives.

i don't think he means to come off as cold and controlling and rigid and it only occurs when fighting and there is resistance from me.

when i write these things down here or on paper, i know it makes him look more evil than he is and i don't want him to be perceived in this negative way. truth be told, in person, he is another kind of animal and one that most would perceive as non-threatening, unintimidating and HARMLESS.

whatever the case, i'm tired of arguing and fighting at the moment. i say things i don't really mean. and i feel like im going to lose it in the rages i feel sometimes, not like i'm going to physically destroy anything/anyone. just that emotionally i feel i am going to lose it.

i am resigned. he can do what he wants. i don't care at this point and i will be a bitch about it because i am resentful at this time. he is all for getting a home before the oct 1st deadline and he wants to stay with that bitch yvette. he wants us to move into a new home and maybe a new city before our wedding.

i think thats so f--ing ridiculous and i screamed i didn't want to contend or stress over this before our wedding. he told me it would be no stress. that is BS. it will be. he also said since i have been married before- it shouldn't be stressful - this wedding were planning which is way more formal in ways than my first wedding but he doesn't want to hear the facts and is just plain ignorant.

we did make up later but i'm still angry. he didn't apologize for his attitude and i don't necessarily agree with much of his goal/plan. he won't allow me to have much say and i'm tired of fighting.

i will F***ING LAUGH when he realizes that he isn't gonna find a house to make that deadline and that it is way more stressful than he ever imagined to try moving before a big wedding when we have so many loose ends to tied still and are so stressed over it...but he assures me he will be fine and he won't let it get too stressful for me and he will do things to minimize my stress. well, we will see!!

i'm not mad right now but i do resent the situation and i am bitter towards him.

i am not going to put much effort into supporting his unrealistic vision in getting a home by october and moving in before november but i won't say anything to shoot his ideas down. it isn't going to be as easy as he thinks and i think he is kidding himself and do not think it will happen.

i can't wait to say i told you so.

i know i sound childish but i am pretty fed up right now and tired of not being heard.

[ps i dont want any notes on this one, sorry!]

oh yeah, this was what jimmy wrote me after i emailed him about waiting on house hunting or at least waiting to buy one til after we marry in november, which is only four mos. he just would NOT f***ing have it.

his letter started out nice by saying what i wanted but by the end, it was obvious that there were hidden layers of inconsistent and contradictive statements thruout the email. in fact i bolded it, printed it and took notes in green pen to show him all these things.

it set me off and got me really anxious and then really angry. irritated. i hate people who have some secret agenda, trying to trick me or manipulate me into doing what they want. i felt that was what he was doing whether consciously or unconsciously.

his sentences flit around- going from supporting/validating me TO confirming my feeling of his true intentions which i disagree with entirely.

whatever.

this was his email :

[when i confronted the email below- that is when we got in a fight and my feeling he was going to contradict what we decided last week was true. he has contradicted himself and is as anxious as EVER to get a home and i don't see much of a break being taken at all, for it has been less than a week and we have spent several days doing home searches online to compile his next list of driving to homes. yeah. not happy.]

Hi babe,

I'm just going to briefly respond to your message because I'm really busy today. If I don't get a lot of this work out of the way soon, I may have to work from home in the next few weeks to finish a project before school starts and I don't really want to do that if I can help it.

I understand the points you make and agree with many of them. While Yvette may not be the best realtor, I've already established an application with the mortgage guy and don't want to go through all of that again if I can avoid it. I'm not saying we have to go out looking with her every chance we get until we find something. I really think that we'll only need to go out once or twice more to look at places around Citrus Park and Brandon.

If we have time on my last long weekend, we'll drive by the neighborhoods and make sure we want to see some of the houses we found.

We can't wait too long or other people will scoop up the good ones and we'll definitely be stuck in our infested apartment for another year or longer. After we see the ones we like, we can decide when we will be ready to go out again.

If we don't find anything in Hillsborough county, then I would consider finding another agent to look in Pinellas, but only when our options are exhausted.

I admit that I've felt a little pressured at times, but I assure you that I'm not going to make any stupid decisions. I've already learned a few lessons from this whole process. If it means anything, I'll tell my mom to quit asking about it and I'll tell her when something develops.

I've already iterated that if we don't find something, we'll have to wait until I can afford it.

The fact of the matter is that the downpayment assistance program that will allow us to buy a house may very well not be available after October 1st (as I've read in a few different articles).

I'm in too much debt with my car payment and credit cards to save any significant amount of money in the next few years to be able to make a $10,000 or more downpayment, and I'm afraid that if we don't find something, it'll be a while.

I'm definitely not going to rush into anything in order to beat any deadline, but I don't want to give up either. I think we're getting closer to finding something that we'll be happy with.

I know we have a lot of things to do for the wedding, but I promise that I'll make it a priority. I still think we can fit in house hunting while we do these things. I know I've been stressed and you have too, but it'll be over in a few months and it would be much better to start our life together as a married couple in a nice house in a nice neighborhood.

Well, I probably haven't hit on everything I needed to here and haven't been as brief as I intended, but I really have to go now. We can talk about it more later, or if you're more comfortable discussing these things through email, I'll try to respond more when I can.

I'm not upset and I don't want you to be more stressed than you already are. I'll do my best to make it as painless as possible and we'll get through these things together. We've already put so much into finding a place to live and I need you to be my support when we're ready to take the next step.

Hope you have a nice day and I'll see you soon.

Love,
Jimmy

the stress + strain of house hunting- pt 2

We do not want our final home choice to be the result of pressurized selling or the home of our nitemares simply because we settled feeling desperation to pick anything just to get a home period.

[that is more jimmy than i. im not desperate and refuse to settle. i believe that anything good is worth the wait. i also believe in making a decision that i can commit to for a lifetime and not being rash when it comes to choosing a home and buying one. i refuse to settle. if nothing is coming my way OR prices raise or its NOT meant to be right now, then i am content to accept that. id much rather wait until the time is right and have a home i love than end up with a dump i settled for just because i made decisions based on fear and desperation. jimmy thinks differently. he wants a home right away and he thinks in the negative, that he will never be able to afford a home if he doesnt buy now. i have to disagree. he has a high enough income that he can afford a home and will one day and he has pristine credit. there is no reason why down the road he couldn't ever buy a home but hes so restless, anxious, antsy to buy a home before the market changes and prices raise that he has lost sight of his prior ambitions to find a dream home that is affordable which we both love and has almost thrown away those values and is ready to settle for homes i couldnt even see him ever wanting to live in if it were an apt we were renting. its just his ideals have gone down the drain due to desparation and FEAR of never owning a home. he lacks trust in himself and the future and I don't know how to instill some faith and hope which I do have.

I've tried to make him see and I think its opened his mind a lot as he even wrote yvette a lengthy letter explaining we wanted a break and didnt want to settle for just any home [all the things i told him i felt recently] and that he had decided he'd gotten lost in the excitement of it all and lost sight of what was important to him and ourselves so he wanted to reevaluate his choices and start over from scratch, stick to his ideals and not settle even if we have to wait til something pops up that we can afford. he realizes its better to wait than regret.

Unfortunately Yvette's reply to him was short and impersonal/unfriendly, abrupt. I dont think she is happy about the decision and she has never wrote anything saying she understands where we are coming from or supporting our decision. He even expressed his regret in wasting her time and apologized in two different emails saying he felt awkward with her and hoped she understood. He showed me her replies and none of them acknowledged his apology or her giving us any understanding. I dont feel she wants to work with us anymore and really do not want to work with her anymore after some of her actions/behaviors in all this and she has hit a nerve on more than one occasion with me coming off catty and snarky in an effort to get a rise out of me. she's hardly organized, professional or competent at her job and frankly i am at the end of my rope with her and sick of having to deal with the likes of her . i dont care to see her face again. i get angry.

Jimmy on the other hand thinks he will ask her in the future to show us more houses again once we take a little break. He acknowledges he senses the same discomfort in her replies or lack of acknowledgement or hurt and seems to think she will get over it and seems completely oblivious to the fact that his decision was taken very personally by her, in my opinion and he has in a sense damaged the business relationship and cut the ties by saying what he did to her.

Its NEVER going to be comfortable now even if time passes and she lets it go. i feel its time to move on and find someone else esp someone who is not connected to his best friend. i feel that was a big mistake. this whole time ive felt his eagerness to do what she says, no matter how rash and irresponsible and hasty, has been effected by the fact that she is his best friend's sis in law. its almost as if he is obligated to impress her or he feels he has to impress her and give her a good sale. i know how he thinks and he is hungry to be liked by everyone esp people connected to his family/friends. I do not want to buy our first home with someone he is out to impress or consumed with the fear of disappointing her just because she is connected to his personal life. i feel and believe it is a HUGE mistake to go with her. because if it doesnt work out or he makes a bad choice, he is going to have to see her in the future outside of the business relationship because its his best friend's relative.

I can't force him to do-away with yvette because of his loyalty to her which seems quite wrongly misplaced due to i believe it is only that she is his best friend's sis in law and he feels pressured to not disappoint. but I am a person who has a real dislike of people who "kiss-up" or put on a facade just to make someone else like or respect them just because they are afraid to be themselves. The truth is I can't and I won't tell him what to do but I will not keep quiet about the fact that I do not like Yvette and do not wish to continue with her and that if he does, he can expect more and more future outbursts/arguments in front of her from me if provoked by her w/ sarcastic/catty remarks because my patience will wear thin and my level of tolerance is growing weak. she has already seen me blow up in controlled ways a few times and I was sarcastic and snappy towards or indirectly irritated at her and it showed - it was subtle but anyone could feel the sense of tension spilling over in the air. I do not like her and nothing he says or does will convince me otherwise.

When Jimmy did tell me he wrote Yvette a lengthy letter about us making a decision to take a break from house hunting and pull homes we had bidded on that week and cancel them based on realizing we were settling and making bad decisions and needed to re-evaluate our priorites etc, I felt so relieved. These were all the things I have been saying for months now and had argued over with him.

It moved me to know that he finally listened to what i was saying and on his own came to the realization that i was right and that he was being very hasty and him waking up has helped lessen some of the tension that gets kicked up in our relationship

HOWEVER his mother has already butted her head in this weekend, and it sounded like from what i could see [he was on the phone with her], that she was showing EXTREME disapproval of his decision to take a break from yvette. Its almost like she was telling him to rush in finding a home and to settle for any home and be unsensible, rather than waiting for the right home. his mother was lecturing him about how he needs to find a home now before the rates increase and how he's running out of time.

After this talk, Jimmy seemed anxious over getting a home prior to our wedding in november this fall, all over again, AFTER we had spoken of taking a step back and going slower with this only days before. i don't know what is in his head today. he is going back n forth. between rational logic and going with what his mother is pushing him to do and i am aggravated as hell that she has got him all stressed out again making him feel as though he will never find or afford a home in his lifetime ever and that she has undone, unravelled all my work and all the sense i had finally talked into him and into his head. I am frustrated with it all and don't even know what we are doing now. he is so all over the place and indecisive about being decisive that Im confused/lost.

Gee, I wonder why Jimmy struggles with self-doubt and has a hard time making decisions?! Could it be because his mother is always criticizing his every move [and if his father spoke more as he is ill, i know he'd be even more critical of jimmy than his mother. it is their way. and i have to say i see it as very toxic and the reason for a lot of jimmy's inability to communicate or make decisive decisions without feeling doubt in himself or feeling like he is a failure. ] He doesnt see it though as everytime I point it out, he dismisses it, downplays it, and defends her/them.

For instance, I mentioned recently that he prob felt desperate to buy a home because of his mother's constant calls everytime we look at homes to see if we found one yet and have we bid on it? and then when we haven't found anything, lecturing him he's got to hurry and buy a home. HE totally denied this when I mentioned this gently last week but then my point was proved when his mother called and he said his decision this past wkend and she kept him on the phone for longer than usual to lecture him about how she disagreed with him waiting etc.

I didnt hear her exact words but I was sitting next to him the entire time and I saw his face, his reaction and you could tell, that she was pushing him and pressuring him and making him doubt himself. and I could tell after that convo - that it affected him because weve looked at more online homes after this to add to check out in the near future AND he made statements a few times after making the decision to cool things off that sound like he is getting desperate again and i sense that he is ready and ripe to contradict his decision. in fact, i have the distinct feeling he will talk to yvette via email today and fix things in order to make near future plans. I feel anxious over this and think he will not voluntarily tell me about it or will ease it in soon, subtley to prepare for a soon-to-be outing with her. i sense that the resolve he and i decided on, is slowing slipping away and disintegrating and that he is going to retract all that he had said about taking a break because we have so much to do with planning the wedding and all and it is quite stressful. the way i feel the wedding is top priority and our marriage and making sure everything is together for our day- should come first. we committed to this date way before we even started looking for homes and that should be our primary focus. planning a wedding causes extreme stress for most and to top it with trying to find a home before the wedding is asking for it. things are stressful enough and even he is coming undone over the stressors of putting a formal wedding together and it really bears no logic to try to add more stress to your life by doing the second most stressful thing in the average couples' life- buying a first home. i am not certain my mental state can handle that much stress and strain. it is just too much for me and i feel it is causing enough distress in the relationship to cause damage. i just feel the timing is all wrong. there is no emergency, no rush to find a home before our wedding, but i can't convince him otherwise and he doesnt see the affect it is having on everything.

Its all because of his mother I believe. and it makes me really angry. I am not making any hasty decision in terms of buying a home where we will share our future lives together. I'm sorry - I am not going to allow a mistake to be made. Its not just his life, its mine too and I refuse to be pulled down into someone else's mistake when we are a unit and most esp when its all based on an irrational fear of never owning a home.

I feel he is too fixated on impressing everyone. He needs to let go a bit on this. Not just this, but we have enough stress with wedding planning and he has complained constantly. I feel its stupid on his part to try to add finding a home on top of all that.

Its like asking for suicide to add that to the mix and his idea originally was to get a home and move in, a month before the wedding. that is sooo crazy and makes absolutely NO SENSE at all.

I can be a person who lacks common sense in areas that involve emotion and scary decision-making HOWEVER in this situation, i feel we have switched roles . he is the person i typically am and i am the logical one this time. it baffles me because jimmy is very grounded, logical oriented person, stable. he doesnt jump to conclusions, make hasty choices, do things he regrets and he is slow, safe, cautious, guarded - slow to take big steps and make decisions, perfectionist about what he buys or chooses [must be flawless] so when i think of all this and i have told him this, i am completely confused as to why he has not been this way in the arena of choosing a home/buying our first home together...it's as if he has thrown out all his sensibilities, logic, values and smart decison making strategies in this situation. i just cannot pinpoint why and can only assume it is sheer desperation and fear of looking like a failure to everyone in his life and feeling he doesnt measure up and im sure its largely attributed to the jabs his parents make that convince him he is not good enough or successful enough but he'd deny this til the day he dies.

I love him and feel angry when i see how his parents have created this confliction in himself and dissatisfaction in life because their opinions have become his and i think sometimes they are overly critical, judging and superficial in their values and its everything i am against. i feel jimmy is a successful person in many facets of his life and has wonderful potential for more success but his parents attitudes have seeped into him and they block him. it makes me both sad and angry and also frustrated that i cannot do anything and i am helpless to make him see this without offending him.

reassessing the home-hunting situation.

The agent we have - i am not too happy with whom i feel is manipulative and does not do her job and has wasted most of her time these past mos by showing us homes that were out of our range but since she didn't do the figures, because its her job and we are not experts, we didn't know until jimmy filed actual paperwork and invested time and emotion into these homes.

Everything we've bid on has fallen through because of our real estate agent's shoddy work. jimmy refuses to see this since she is a family friend but i'm wise to it all and am close to my end of rope especially now that she and the loan guy are pressuring him to settle on any house [and some of them are real dumps, fixer-uppers] by august first because his time is almost up. i told him he does not have to settle but he ignores me!

At the end of my entry or towards the end, I will share something Jimmy wrote me the week prior in regard to homes we had seen a few wks ago and he had bid on. It sparked a series of serious talk and deliberation b/t us and actually led Jimmy to finally wake up and reassess the way in which he has allowed the pressure of real estate agent Y. + loan guy Rick to effect him in his decision making, making his actions hasty, desperate and bound to cause us regret because in effort to find a house quickly and being told the deadline is August/September of this year and that the FHA loans are a limited time offer and will not be available by December has caused Jimmy to go off the deep end, thinking he must purchase right away even if he is not thrilled with the home or what he envisioned.

I would rather not be dependent on FHA if there is a limited amount of time to buy a home and there is such a short deadline. I feel you are bound to make a mistake when your time is not your own. How can anyone think clearly or make a focused decision? I think it is too much.

I think I finally got him to realize that out of his desperation to find a home before this deadline expired, that he was playing with fire and our future and he was bound to regret his decision and choice in a first home. I felt he was heading towards a direction that would lead him to settle.

I feel buying our first home is a life decision and it is serious. It is not something to be made on a deadline and it is a commitment that you want to be sure of before you make it. Because this is NOT like when you buy a new outfit and you have 30 days to decide if you don't like it or if there is some flaw in the item.

If you are unsatisfied with your purchase, you cannot return it and it is not like an apartment that you rent. You cannot just walk away from it, you are stuck for several years with whatever decision you make and then have the headache of trying to sell it and make enough money to get a better home. Those are all things Jimmy fears and in his rush to get his first home because of the pressure of these sale people and his own inner insecurities of how he defines being a man as well as his mother's constant nagging that he should have a home now and why has not found one yet?...I believe with all of this eating him alive, he is going to end up fulfilling his worst fears- self fulfilling prophecy they call it. Truth is the more fixated you are on something, the more often you end up doing that which you fear or avoid.

Recently, I had mentioned to Jimmy that I felt that his mother's nagging made him feel pressured to buy a home and that his motivations were to impress/please her and I felt that it really was not her life, it is his life, my life + our life and she is not living it and his decisions ought to be based on what him and I want as a couple not based on what he fears his mother will think and what he thinks she expects of him. I find this all very negative and it somehow disturbs/bothers me. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I feel there is nothing wrong with you if you are not able to afford a home and that having a home or a first home is not at the top of my priority list NOR does it define my worth as a person or human being in this world NOR is my successfulness dependent upon owning a home.

I feel Jimmy's self worth and perception of success in himself is based on getting this first home and it has been pounded into his head by none other than his parents and I just feel their pressure and high expectations are going to cause him to cave and fall apart one of these days because its too much and it is unrealistic and unfair.

It is not the end of the world if you cannot buy a home and it does not mean it will be impossible to ever buy a home if you don't buy it by the end of the year. But Jimmy - I think- believes otherwise and is consumed with this.

I feel if you can't afford a home- it isn't indicative of who you are as a person or if you are good enough in this world. If you can't afford it, then you find contentment in what is the now and show gratitiude with what you actually do have. I feel like I was raised as struggling poor middle class so when I did get things, really nice things I had more appreciation, gratitude and respect for what I owned and cherished those things. Jimmy had a priviledged upbringing and came what I view as a higher middle class family than I. We did not have nice furniture in our home - we were poor. I just feel he has been spoiled so he expects more of others and himself where as I have a vastly different view.

I am happy with what I get or what is given to me, because growing up I didn't live in a fancy home or get whatever I wanted. I doubt he has a clue what its like to do without little or be without. You have more appreciation when you are born with nothing and have nothing. The positive I got out of growing up that way is I am able to be happy with what I have and I don't allow myself to take anything for granted. I do not have high expectations to have something beyond my reach and am not superficial. It sucks sometimes coming from such different backgrounds because we tend to clash and he does not always understand where I am coming from.

But I see and understand both sides clear as day. I understand his side and why he thinks as he does, even if I don't agree with it. I understand it all and him more than he even understands himself. It is unfortunate that he cannot see things the way I can - from both sides and put himself in others shoes, put things into perspective just like I am able to. It would make everything so much easier in our relationship but he is incapable of seeing beyond his own point of view and his own set of circumstances (the way he was raised).

Jimmy does not know how to be content with the now even if it doesn't fit his vision of where he should be at now and I find that to be a very negative and counterproductive attitude to take in life. At times it very much aggravates me because it brings me down.

He's too busy looking around what his family and friends have and basing his worth on what he lacks by comparing himself to them. Since all of them own homes, I think deep down he feels like he has failed as a person, a man, that he feels he is not successful enough in life, that he puts himself down. I feel that he is driven by what others think of him and that makes me sad. I doubt his friends judge him but I do feel his parents nagging and little jabs are the reason for his insecurity and flawed self perceptions of himself. I have tried to make him realize this but it's a touchy subject and no one wants to hear anyone especially their fiancee critique their parents I suppose.

Finding our first home has been extremely stressful and I am a difficult, bitchy customer because I have high expectations and don't believe in investing in something that isn't worthy and will not settle.

A home is an investment and if we can't see ourselves there down the road ten yrs plus..I do not, we should not make that committment or investment. It's a huge decision that you can't just correct if you make the wrong choice. You are stuck.

There are many things to consider- it is more than layout, size, architecture, the yard, amenities, neighborhood, safety, what community has to offer, is there a pool, how high are taxes/HOA and other fees like cdc as prospective firstime home buyers. You do not want to make a decision you'll regret.

There isn't a lot to offer in our price range and most are fixer uppers, flawed. We have to be able to envision a future there, possibly family before jumping into it. And in all honesty, right now the economy is bad. We had a talk yesterday and we are going to be more picky and not rush to just pick anything no matter what this pushy agent says.

We got a million pix of potentials + have bidded on 3 but at this point, not sure what we want to do or if we want to go forward. None of these homes are spectacular and every one we absolutely loved has fallen thru or been yanked back from us due to the agent and loan guy misleading us- saying it was in our range and then taking it back and saying it is way out of our league and to forget it. This has happened with between five and seven homes we absolutely loved and had invested the last 3 months intensively searching for hours with our agent.

It is highly frustrating when you go thru all that pain of looking [cos it isn't fun for hours] and then find out all that hard work and excitement for finding "the one" is cancelled out because you were told that these particular homes were in your range and taken there as if you could afford or buy it. Very discouraging. Maybe we just need a break to think about what to do next!

In the following entry, I will explain in a series what happened with our real estate agent yvette last week and share some photos of the ones we saw and considered as well as explain the decision we came to this past weekend on taking a step back with house hunting, taking a break, and regrouping so we can make a more focused, clear-headed, rational decision.

[more to follow]