a waste of breath.

i tried talking sense into jimmy the other day, via email and in person. it turned into somewhat of a nasty fight.

he is convinced if he doesn't buy a home he will never have one and feels at 37 he is way past due. i could not talk any sense into him and getting upset, telling him he was being ridiculous, stupid, ignorant, unrealistic and impossible wasnt worth it.

sharing my disapproval [i tried the civil rational way via email but that did not work] but it only made jimmy more determined, headstrong, and stupidly stubborn. it was pointless to express my feelings.

he is being naive and foolish.

i emphasized that this is too much to worry about right before a wedding. and too stressful. he dismissed my feelings and my stress and said life is all about pressure and u just deal with it.

his way of lack of empathy tough love approach or whatever u want to call it- stubborn asshole male sentiments i guess- IS POINTLESS and WASTEFUL.

it doesn't and won't work for me.

i pretty much blew a fuse. i felt so frustrated and angry at him.

i couldn't get my point across and there really was no care about how this is affecting me emotionally- i simply said i wasn't going to tolerate this and a compromise would be worked out or i'd be leaving. i hung up.

while he was on the phone, he kept telling me he couldn't talk anyway abruptly and was angry i called his work so pissed, i hung up on him. why waste my time? it was the day before yesterday but everytime i think of it, i get enraged and want to scream f-you at the top of my lungs.

i am mostly okay-- if i don't think about it.

it wasn't the most mature thing to do and i felt pushed to my limits and hopeless. i just get so angry when he won't talk to me about the thing that is truly upsetting me and his attitude was like i just have to go along with whatever he wants and what i feel/think really has no meaning. and that i better just deal with it. it pisses me off to be treated like i am worth nothing or that he is HIGHER than i when he is NOT. i don't appreciate being treated like a child. he knows all this. i'm like a broken record telling him i won't stand for imbalance in our relationship and not having a say in what we do in our lives.

i don't think he means to come off as cold and controlling and rigid and it only occurs when fighting and there is resistance from me.

when i write these things down here or on paper, i know it makes him look more evil than he is and i don't want him to be perceived in this negative way. truth be told, in person, he is another kind of animal and one that most would perceive as non-threatening, unintimidating and HARMLESS.

whatever the case, i'm tired of arguing and fighting at the moment. i say things i don't really mean. and i feel like im going to lose it in the rages i feel sometimes, not like i'm going to physically destroy anything/anyone. just that emotionally i feel i am going to lose it.

i am resigned. he can do what he wants. i don't care at this point and i will be a bitch about it because i am resentful at this time. he is all for getting a home before the oct 1st deadline and he wants to stay with that bitch yvette. he wants us to move into a new home and maybe a new city before our wedding.

i think thats so f--ing ridiculous and i screamed i didn't want to contend or stress over this before our wedding. he told me it would be no stress. that is BS. it will be. he also said since i have been married before- it shouldn't be stressful - this wedding were planning which is way more formal in ways than my first wedding but he doesn't want to hear the facts and is just plain ignorant.

we did make up later but i'm still angry. he didn't apologize for his attitude and i don't necessarily agree with much of his goal/plan. he won't allow me to have much say and i'm tired of fighting.

i will F***ING LAUGH when he realizes that he isn't gonna find a house to make that deadline and that it is way more stressful than he ever imagined to try moving before a big wedding when we have so many loose ends to tied still and are so stressed over it...but he assures me he will be fine and he won't let it get too stressful for me and he will do things to minimize my stress. well, we will see!!

i'm not mad right now but i do resent the situation and i am bitter towards him.

i am not going to put much effort into supporting his unrealistic vision in getting a home by october and moving in before november but i won't say anything to shoot his ideas down. it isn't going to be as easy as he thinks and i think he is kidding himself and do not think it will happen.

i can't wait to say i told you so.

i know i sound childish but i am pretty fed up right now and tired of not being heard.

[ps i dont want any notes on this one, sorry!]

oh yeah, this was what jimmy wrote me after i emailed him about waiting on house hunting or at least waiting to buy one til after we marry in november, which is only four mos. he just would NOT f***ing have it.

his letter started out nice by saying what i wanted but by the end, it was obvious that there were hidden layers of inconsistent and contradictive statements thruout the email. in fact i bolded it, printed it and took notes in green pen to show him all these things.

it set me off and got me really anxious and then really angry. irritated. i hate people who have some secret agenda, trying to trick me or manipulate me into doing what they want. i felt that was what he was doing whether consciously or unconsciously.

his sentences flit around- going from supporting/validating me TO confirming my feeling of his true intentions which i disagree with entirely.

whatever.

this was his email :

[when i confronted the email below- that is when we got in a fight and my feeling he was going to contradict what we decided last week was true. he has contradicted himself and is as anxious as EVER to get a home and i don't see much of a break being taken at all, for it has been less than a week and we have spent several days doing home searches online to compile his next list of driving to homes. yeah. not happy.]

Hi babe,

I'm just going to briefly respond to your message because I'm really busy today. If I don't get a lot of this work out of the way soon, I may have to work from home in the next few weeks to finish a project before school starts and I don't really want to do that if I can help it.

I understand the points you make and agree with many of them. While Yvette may not be the best realtor, I've already established an application with the mortgage guy and don't want to go through all of that again if I can avoid it. I'm not saying we have to go out looking with her every chance we get until we find something. I really think that we'll only need to go out once or twice more to look at places around Citrus Park and Brandon.

If we have time on my last long weekend, we'll drive by the neighborhoods and make sure we want to see some of the houses we found.

We can't wait too long or other people will scoop up the good ones and we'll definitely be stuck in our infested apartment for another year or longer. After we see the ones we like, we can decide when we will be ready to go out again.

If we don't find anything in Hillsborough county, then I would consider finding another agent to look in Pinellas, but only when our options are exhausted.

I admit that I've felt a little pressured at times, but I assure you that I'm not going to make any stupid decisions. I've already learned a few lessons from this whole process. If it means anything, I'll tell my mom to quit asking about it and I'll tell her when something develops.

I've already iterated that if we don't find something, we'll have to wait until I can afford it.

The fact of the matter is that the downpayment assistance program that will allow us to buy a house may very well not be available after October 1st (as I've read in a few different articles).

I'm in too much debt with my car payment and credit cards to save any significant amount of money in the next few years to be able to make a $10,000 or more downpayment, and I'm afraid that if we don't find something, it'll be a while.

I'm definitely not going to rush into anything in order to beat any deadline, but I don't want to give up either. I think we're getting closer to finding something that we'll be happy with.

I know we have a lot of things to do for the wedding, but I promise that I'll make it a priority. I still think we can fit in house hunting while we do these things. I know I've been stressed and you have too, but it'll be over in a few months and it would be much better to start our life together as a married couple in a nice house in a nice neighborhood.

Well, I probably haven't hit on everything I needed to here and haven't been as brief as I intended, but I really have to go now. We can talk about it more later, or if you're more comfortable discussing these things through email, I'll try to respond more when I can.

I'm not upset and I don't want you to be more stressed than you already are. I'll do my best to make it as painless as possible and we'll get through these things together. We've already put so much into finding a place to live and I need you to be my support when we're ready to take the next step.

Hope you have a nice day and I'll see you soon.

Love,
Jimmy

(bible verse ideas for our wedding ceremony)

bible verse ideas for the ceremony readings [my mom will read either of the two suggested below but most likely is going to go with song of solomon as it is her favorite and i think it is beautiful]

#1

The Song of Songs


The Bible's Love Song

1 The Song of Songs, which is Solomon's.

Opening poem

2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!
For your love is better than wine,
3 your anointing oils are fragrant,
your name is perfume poured out;
therefore the maidens love you.
4 Draw me after you, let us make haste.
The king has brought me into his chambers.
We will exult and rejoice in you;
we will extol your love more than wine;
rightly do they love you.

5 I am black and beautiful,
O daughters of Jerusalem,
like the tents of Kedar,
like the curtains of Solomon.
6 Do not gaze at me because I am dark,
because the sun has gazed on me.
My mother's sons were angry with me;
they made me keeper of the vineyards,
but my own vineyard I have not kept!
7 Tell me, you whom my soul loves,
&n bsp; where you pasture your flock,
where you make it lie down at noon;
for why should I be like one who is veiled
beside the flocks of your companions?

8 If you do not know,
O fairest among women,
follow the tracks of the flock,
and pasture your kids
beside the shepherds' tents.

A dialogue of mutual admiration

9 I compare you, my love,
to a mare among Pharaoh's chariots.
10 Your cheeks are comely with ornaments,
your neck with strings of jewels.
11 We will make you ornaments of gold,
studded with silver.

12 While the king was on his couch,
my nard gave forth its fragrance.
13 My beloved is to me a bag of myrrh
that lies between my breasts.
14 My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms
in the vineyards of En-gedi.

15 Ah, you are beautiful, my love;
ah, you are beautiful;
your eyes are doves.
16 Ah, you are beautiful, my beloved,
truly lovely.
Our couch is green;
17 the beams of our house are cedar,
our rafters are pine.

[Song of Solomon 2]

1 I am a rose of Sharon,
a lily of the valleys.
2 As a lily among b rambles,
so is my love among maidens.
3 As an apple tree among the trees of the wood,
so is my beloved among young men.
With great delight I sat in his shadow,
and his fruit was sweet to my taste.
4 He brought me to the banqueting house,
and his intention toward me was love.
5 Sustain me with raisins,
refresh me with apples;
for I am faint with love.
6 O that his left hand were under my head,
and that his right hand embraced me!
7 I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
by the gazelles or the wild does:
do not stir up or awaken love
until it is ready!

8 The voice of my beloved!
Look, he comes,
leaping upon the mountains,
bounding over the hills.
9 My beloved is like a gazelle
or a young stag.
Look, there he stands
behind our wall,
gazing in at the windows,
looking through the lattice.
10 My beloved speaks and says to me:
"Arise, my love, my fair one,
and come away;
11 for now the winter is past,
the rain is over and gone.
12 The flowers appear on the earth;
the time of singing has come,
; and the voice of the turtledove
is heard in our land.
13 The fig tree puts forth its figs,
and the vines are in blossom;
they give forth fragrance.
Arise, my love, my fair one,
and come away.
14 O my dove, in the clefts of the rock,
in the covert of the cliff,
let me see your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely.
15 Catch us the foxes,
the little foxes,
that ruin the vineyards —
for our vineyards are in blossom."

16 My beloved is mine and I am his;
he pastures his flock among the lilies.
17 Until the day breathes
and the shadows flee,
turn, my beloved, be like a gazelle
or a young stag on the cleft mountains.

[Song of Solomon 3]
Nighttime search for the beloved

1 Upon my bed at night
I sought him whom my soul loves;
I sought him, but found him not;
I called him, but he gave no answer.
2 "I will rise now and go about the city,
in the streets and in the squares;
I will seek him whom my soul loves."
I sought him, but found him20not.
3 The sentinels found me,
as they went about in the city.
"Have you seen him whom my soul loves?"
4 Scarcely had I passed them,
when I found him whom my soul loves.
I held him, and would not let him go
until I brought him into my mother's house,
and into the chamber of her that conceived me.
5 I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
by the gazelles or the wild does:
do not stir up or awaken love
until it is ready!

Solomon's wedding procession

6 What is that coming up from the wilderness,
like a column of smoke,
perfumed with myrrh and frankincense,
with all the fragrant powders of the merchant?
7 Look, it is the litter of Solomon!
Around it are sixty mighty men
of the mighty men of Israel,
8 all equipped with swords
and expert in war,
each with his sword at his thigh
because of alarms by night.
9 King Solomon made himself a palanquin
from the wood of Lebanon.
10 He made its posts of silver,
its back of gold, its seat of purple;
its interior was inlaid with love.
Daughters of Jerusalem,
11 come out.
Look, O=2 0daughters of Zion,
at King Solomon,
at the crown with which his mother crowned him
on the day of his wedding,
on the day of the gladness of his heart.

[Song of Solomon 4]
Praise of the woman's beauty

1 How beautiful you are, my love,
how very beautiful!
Your eyes are doves
behind your veil.
Your hair is like a flock of goats,
moving down the slopes of Gilead.
2 Your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes
that have come up from the washing,
all of which bear twins,
and not one among them is bereaved.
3 Your lips are like a crimson thread,
and your mouth is lovely.
Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate
behind your veil.
4 Your neck is like the tower of David,
built in courses;
on it hang a thousand bucklers,
all of them shields of warriors.
5 Your two breasts are like two fawns,
twins of a gazelle,
that feed among the lilies.
6 Until the day breathes
and the shadows flee,
I will hasten to the mountain of myrrh
and the hill of frankincense.
7 You are altogether beautiful, my love;
&nbs p; there is no flaw in you.
8 Come with me from Lebanon, my bride;
come with me from Lebanon.
Depart from the peak of Amana,
from the peak of Senir and Hermon,
from the dens of lions,
from the mountains of leopards.
9 You have ravished my heart, my sister, my bride,
you have ravished my heart with a glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.
10 How sweet is your love, my sister, my bride!
how much better is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your oils than any spice!
11 Your lips distill nectar, my bride;
honey and milk are under your tongue;
the scent of your garments is like the scent of Lebanon.
12 A garden locked is my sister, my bride,
a garden locked, a fountain sealed.
13 Your channel is an orchard of pomegranates
with all choicest fruits,
henna with nard,
14 nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon,
with all trees of frankincense,
myrrh and aloes,
with all chief spices —
15 a garden fountain, a well of living water,
and flowing streams from Lebanon.

16 Awake, O north wind,
and come, O south wind!
Blow upon my garden
that its=2 0fragrance may be wafted abroad.
Let my beloved come to his garden,
and eat its choicest fruits.

[Song of Solomon 5]
The woman's search

1 I come to my garden, my sister, my bride;
I gather my myrrh with my spice,
I eat my honeycomb with my honey,
I drink my wine with my milk.

Eat, friends, drink,
and be drunk with love.

2 I slept, but my heart was awake.
Listen! my beloved is knocking.
"Open to me, my sister, my love,
my dove, my perfect one;
for my head is wet with dew,
my locks with the drops of the night."
3 I had put off my garment;
how could I put it on again?
I had bathed my feet;
how could I soil them?
4 My beloved thrust his hand into the opening,
and my inmost being yearned for him.
5 I arose to open to my beloved,
and my hands dripped with myrrh,
my fingers with liquid myrrh,
upon the handles of the bolt.
6 I opened to my beloved,
but my beloved had turned and was gone.
My soul failed me when he spoke.
I sought him, but did not find him;
I called him, but he gave no an swer.
7 Making their rounds in the city
the sentinels found me;
they beat me, they wounded me,
they took away my mantle,
those sentinels of the walls.
8 I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
if you find my beloved,
tell him this:
I am faint with love.

9 What is your beloved more than another beloved,
O fairest among women?
What is your beloved more than another beloved,
that you thus adjure us?

10 My beloved is all radiant and ruddy,
distinguished among ten thousand.
11 His head is the finest gold;
his locks are wavy,
black as a raven.
12 His eyes are like doves
beside springs of water,
bathed in milk,
fitly set.
13 His cheeks are like beds of spices,
yielding fragrance.
His lips are lilies,
distilling liquid myrrh.
14 His arms are rounded gold,
set with jewels.
His body is ivory work,
encrusted with sapphires.
15 His legs are alabaster columns,
set upon bases of gold.
His appearance is like Lebanon,
choice as the cedars.
16 His speech is most sweet,
and he is altoge ther desirable.
This is my beloved and this is my friend,
O daughters of Jerusalem.

[Song of Solomon 6]
In praise of the woman's beauty

1 Where has your beloved gone,
O fairest among women?
Which way has your beloved turned,
that we may seek him with you?

2 My beloved has gone down to his garden,
to the beds of spices,
to pasture his flock in the gardens,
and to gather lilies.
3 I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine;
he pastures his flock among the lilies.

4 You are beautiful as Tirzah, my love,
comely as Jerusalem,
terrible as an army with banners.
5 Turn away your eyes from me,
for they overwhelm me!
Your hair is like a flock of goats,
moving down the slopes of Gilead.
6 Your teeth are like a flock of ewes,
that have come up from the washing;
all of them bear twins,
and not one among them is bereaved.
7 Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate
behind your veil.
8 There are sixty queens and eighty concubines,
and maidens without number.
9 My dove, my perfect one, is the only one,
the darling of her mother,
flawl ess to her that bore her.
The maidens saw her and called her happy;
the queens and concubines also, and they praised her.
10 "Who is this that looks forth like the dawn,
fair as the moon, bright as the sun,
terrible as an army with banners?"

11 I went down to the nut orchard,
to look at the blossoms of the valley,
to see whether the vines had budded,
whether the pomegranates were in bloom.
12 Before I was aware, my fancy set me
in a chariot beside my prince.

Praise of the woman and her response

13 Return, return, O Shulammite!
Return, return, that we may look upon you.
Why should you look upon the Shulammite,
as upon a dance before two armies?

[Song of Solomon 7]

1 How graceful are your feet in sandals,
O queenly maiden!
Your rounded thighs are like jewels,
the work of a master hand.
2 Your navel is a rounded bowl
that never lacks mixed wine.
Your belly is a heap of wheat,
encircled with lilies.
3 Your two breasts are like two fawns,
twins of a gazelle.
4 Your neck is like an ivory tower.
Your eyes are pools in Heshbon,
=2 0by the gate of Bath-rabbim.
Your nose is like a tower of Lebanon,
overlooking Damascus.
5 Your head crowns you like Carmel,
and your flowing locks are like purple;
a king is held captive in the tresses.

6 How fair and pleasant you are,
O loved one, delectable maiden!
7 You are stately as a palm tree,
and your breasts are like its clusters.
8 I say I will climb the palm tree
and lay hold of its branches.
O may your breasts be like clusters of the vine,
and the scent of your breath like apples,
9 and your kisses like the best wine
that goes down smoothly,
gliding over lips and teeth.

10 I am my beloved's,
and his desire is for me.
11 Come, my beloved,
let us go forth into the fields,
and lodge in the villages;
12 let us go out early to the vineyards,
and see whether the vines have budded,
whether the grape blossoms have opened
and the pomegranates are in bloom.
There I will give you my love.
13 The mandrakes give forth fragrance,
and over our doors are all choice fruits,
new as well as old,
which I have laid up for you, O my beloved.


#2

1st Corinthans 13

In Praise of Love


1 If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end. 9 For we know only in part, and we prophesy only in part; 10 but when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. 13 And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.

the happy outcome :)

citrus park mall: wedding band shopping and our exhaustive search for our rings.

the happy outcome :)

his n' hers

HIS

MINE

1/4ct TW Diamond Milgrain Ring

The wedding band shopping was a little stressful and exhausting because we went to 5 stores and spent hours looking and trying on, asking questions and deciding what style we liked that flattered, was unique and we could envision wearing forever. We looked at Helzberg Diamonds, Gordon's, Kay's, Littman's and Jared's.

I think both of us wanted to absolutely love what the wedding bands we chose and for it to represent our personalities individually but most of all we wanted to be sure it was a ring and style we'd love to wear forever. That made the choosing process a little harder because neither Jimmy nor I wanted to make a hasty decision or regret the style we choose.

We both wanted something in white gold and something that was a bit unique but not tacky or bold. I wanted diamonds in my wedding band because I did not get a big diamond engagement ring and mine only cost 220 dollars [the engagement ring is antique / got from used estate jewelry in a jeweler store]

So, basically, Jimmy told me way back when he got the engagement ring that he would spend a little more on a wedding band since he didn't really spend much on my engagement ring and it was really inexpensive.

In looking for the perfect ring/wedding band...my other problem is that my fingers are children's size and I can't even wear the standard size that an average woman wears [generally five is the smallest] so I needed to find something that can be cut down in size without disturbing the design that would look right on petite dainty tiny fingers LOL that made it kind of harder since it limits me and I wear a size 3 and a half on my wedding ring finger currently [my engagement ring was a size 4 but had to be cut down becos that was also too big]

Anyway we ended up going with the place I actually found online a few days ago and suggested to Jimmy and it was the first place we looked at and loved the most in terms of choice to look at [a lot to choose from], reasonable pricing and financing, and good customer service/reputable company.

It was great and exciting but by the end we began to get dizzy and every ring began to look the same and it made us doubt our choices for a minute. I was sweating at one point. Anyway, in the end, we felt the first place Helzberg was the one that felt right and like the best place so that is where we made our purchase. It was a very exciting and memorable day. :)

shadowplay [they keep calling me]

in my darkest hours, i've breathed in and consumed every emotion explored in each and every song here.

it was how i felt and over the past twenty years where i've floated in and out of existence.



hear this


http://www.playlist.com/playlist/10952861707/standalone




unknown pleasures -

favorite cover art album of all time above. love the abstract and its still one of the most creative, coveted.

these two recent films have caused a heavy revival of both jimmy and i's love of Joy Divison. Both of our teenage highschool roots go back to this group.

i remember getting up everyday for school and listening to Joy Division's Substance- Best Of cassette tape in my stereo as i got ready for school. it gave me the adrenaline rush i needed and the motivation to push myself thru another day.

i was 16 years old and it was 1988.

music was one of the main things that kept me sane during a particularly oppressive time in my life where i hated school because i didnt belong and was seen as dark and strange for being new wave/goth but revelled / rebelled in that feeling at the same time. i was for the most part a nonconformist and artsy. i felt misunderstood- and very alone back then- and i just did not fit into conventional society or with any social popular clique of any kind- [i still really don't].

i felt very dark, with very little light to follow..back then.

it was a crushing time.

To the centre of the city where all roads meet - waiting for you /To the depths of the ocean where all hopes sank - searching for you/Moving through the silence without motion - waiting for you/ In a room with a window in the corner I found truth/In the shadowplay, acting out your own death - knowing no more/As the assassins all grouped in four lines, dancing on the floor/ And with cold steel, odour on their bodies, made a move to connect/I could only stare in disbelief as the crowds all left/I did everything, everything I wanted to/I let them use you for their own ends/ To the centre of the city in the night - waiting for you /To the centre of the city in the night - waiting for you

-joy division

h a u n t o l o g y

on the joy divison 2007 documentary directed by grant gee

some notes i took on the music technology of joy division and indepth analyzation via interview on the categorization of their music, sound, philosophy- a particular genre and time period very specific in music- which i find fascinating and very much a style which i find myself drawn to - time and time again.

Derrida [french philosopher]

Joy Division- seemed of spectral quality / dead but alive, something that's there and yet its not there.

"Hauntology" - different take of post-modernism, and symbolic of technology- that "it has turned us all into ghosts"

The Persistence of Past in the Present

Ghosts

Joy Division--- haunted by themselves.

*in some sense, a belief that- or philosophy that recording media is turning into dateable object and killing you [us].

small article on above documentary- what to expect from it:

Joy Division: A Film by Grant Gee

Iann Robinson takes a look at the Joy Division documentary.

CraveOnline

June 30, 2008

Joy Division has become much more than a band in the nearly three decades since singer Ian Curtis killed himself. Perhaps it’s due to the rebellious romanticism attached to Curtis taking his own life just days before the band was to hit America and “make it big.” It could be the almost otherworldly air that Curtis had with his stage presence, voice and lyrics. It might just be that Joy Division wrote damn good songs. Whatever it is, Joy Division has been lifted from a group of guys to an idea, a myth, and an institution. Though the remaining members went on to form New Order, one of the most influential pop bands in the world, it is still Joy Division that the world dotes on.

Since having achieved this mythical stature, it becomes hard to remember that Joy Division were simply four guys from Manchester England who had incredible chemistry together. Part of what makes this new documentary from The Miriam Collection titled simply “Joy Division” so wonderful is that it humanizes the band again.

This is a very even handed documentary that has successfully removed any hero-worship and instead focuses on the actual story of Joy Division, breaking down the whole into four separate parts or members. Of course the ghost of Ian Curtis weighs heavy on the film but it doesn’t consume it. None of the participants is maudlin or morose; in fact they seem to be celebrating the joy of the times they were in and their shared creativity as opposed to trying to pontificate on why the genius of Ian Curtis finally consumed him.

Director Grant Gee has no problem letting the film unfold slowly, giving it room to breathe and create an atmosphere that rivals Joy Division’s music. First Gee sets the scene with Manchester in the seventies, the sound, and the clubs, how the music brought some life back into it. From there we learn the origins of Joy Division through stories from surviving members Bernard Sumner, Peter Hook and Stephen Morris. The best part is that the stories aren’t these brooding melancholy gothic overtures but rather simple stories about four guys hanging out and trying to make original music.

It’s so cool to hear snippets of the more straight punk sounding work they did under their original name of Warsaw and to hear the band joke about how bad those songs were. The three surviving members are really interesting to watch, especially the odd split in their attitudes towards life. Sumner is serious and contemplative, Hook is boisterous and funny while Morris is an even-handed combination of his two peers. The combination of those personalities makes the telling of the band’s history so fascinating you can’t help but stay riveted through the entire thing.

Helping to round out this story are interviews with Tony Wilson (creator of Factory Records) as well as album cover designer Peter Saville, Joy Division biographer Paul Morley and a long overdue interview with Ian Curtis’s girlfriend Annik Honore. Conspicuously missing from this film is Deborah Curtis, Ian’s estranged wife though her presence is well represented through quotes layered throughout the movie. Gee has managed to tie in all the aspects of the band’s short existence from their music, to Curtis’s battle with epilepsy, and all the other triumphs and tragedies that made the band what it was. The film goes from funny to poignant when it needs to and never seems forced or heavy handed. Nobody involved in this movie is out to exploit the death of Ian Curtis, nor further the mythical image of Joy Division, if anything this film was made to break all of that down and destroy it.

Acting as the backdrop for this tale is the actual imagery of the film, which is beautiful and seamless. Gee doesn’t just splice together the various scenes, he weaves them together into a beautiful tapestry. It’s obvious that this movie was made by and for people who love Joy Division and for those of us who understand that their importance comes from who they were not from what people have made them out to be. Joy Division is clearly going to become the definitive look back at one of the greatest bands in the history of music.

---

joy divsion's name was created and derived from a book and has its roots in german history. it was actually a term for the german brothel's. in the over 20 yrs i had known them, this was foreign and strange to me if not slightly disturbing, as the context of the name seems largely misogynistic but i do not know if there was really any relevance behind the name and their philosophy of music. probably not. this name was also not their first name. prior to being joy divison, they were for a short time, the stiff kittens and then warsaw.

further information of above off website:

The name change to Joy Division in 1977 [because a punk band called 'Warsaw Pakt' existed already] was inspired by the World War II novel, Karol Cetinsky's "The House of Dolls". [In her book, the term "joy division" is used as slang for concentration camps where female inmates were forced to prostitute themselves for the Nazi soldiers].



The Joy Division was the corps of young women kept in the camp for the pleasure of Nazi officers on leave. Partly due to the name, Joy Division (and later New Order) often had problems with Nazi accusations spreading around in the press. These both puzzled and angered the band, and they did not wish to dignify them with a reply. Far from containing Nazi propaganda, their lyrics preach quite the contrary message. Many other punk bands used much more direct Nazi symbolism with much less press comment.

---

this documentary and the other bio-pic film "control" have truly put me in a very nostalgic state of my mind but then again i am always going back to the past so i guess it doesn't really take much.

whatever the case, anton corbijn's film about ian curtis heading joy division titled control was simply amazing, and the best replication of the band's story and history that i have ever seen have .

the british actor sam riley who portrayed the lead singer - ian curtis - of joy division did a tremendous job and was a worthy tribute to such a monumental band who represents an era of music i am particularly enamored with. he would have made ian proud, i think. i believe the actors in this film sang all the songs - it sounded and looked just like joy division. samantha morton, a great british actress known for independent film roles co-starred as well.

we loved 'control' so much we bought the control DVD for our collection last month at best buy.

below is a review i cut out from my fashion mag last year, scanned from my computer and uploaded on the net:

(booking vendors for wedding)

Hi babe,I just got off the phone with Randy at Celebrations and booked the photography, DJ, and music for the ceremony. I told him that we'll stop by sometime to listen to the different music selections they have. It ended up costing $1605 including tax, so I paid $535 for the deposit and the remaining balance is $1070.I also talked to a lady at Publix (Apron's) and scheduled an appointment for the flowers at 2:00 pm on Friday. She said they normally have appointments up until 6:30 pm, but I didn't want to have to rush over there after work especially since I don't normally get home until 6:15 pm as it is and don't know if I may have to work late.Well, I hope you got some rest. I probably won't stop by storage until I pick you up if you think your photos will be ready. Let me know if you talk to them and they still aren't ready and I'll get the book (and any others) that sold.Love,Jimmy

not wise to buy home now- (letter to jimmy)

Hi sweetie- Its important that you read this now. so I am sending it. Please read this today if you can fit it in, before things get busy or during a short break. This is highly important to me and with the stress we've been under lately- it is likely to continue to rise or build into higher tension if not resolved and that is why sharing this with you now is vital and it would be detrimental to everything including our health, to not tackle it now.

Its nothing to worry about - rest assured, as it isn't anything we havent spoken of and seems to be a continuous source of tension b/t us so its nothing bad or shocking and nothing to fear but it is a touchy thing and it is too pressing for me not to address right now. Since its one of those things I can only approach via email to avoid adding further fire to the flame, I feel it best to share/express myself to you via email. It just feels safer that way and I dont want to keep piling stress upon stress on you. I know it seems like I am right now but it's not my true intention. My true intention is resolve and cohesiveness in our relationship, minus the tension/stress as of late. So, its vital there be open communication to talk and that you truly hear me now. Some things I feel shut out on and there are times where email seems only appropriate. This is one of those.

So to preface things, I will explain:

I got this note from my favorite/friend diarist C., she asked I give you some wise advice and tell you she said it, so I chose to share with you the gist of the entry I wrote yesterday before you got home from work and now her following comments and feedback that I saw just recently. I think she knows what she is talking about and I also believe she means well and is trying to be helpful to you and I.

I also think her note makes me see how important it is that you hear how I feel in this entry and what I think because what I think or feel should be important and worth something to you, even if you do not agree in the slightest of anything I said. Most especially because it is causing me great stress and because if you love me, you would want to know and hear how I feel, to take that into consideration.

Please read this carefully and think about it, deeply and please think about C.'s wise advice. Its exactly how I feel - maybe you need to hear it from someone only ten years older than us who has had more than one home in her life and knows what it is like firsthand and isnt someone close to you or connected or pushing you to buy a home now. It's important you understand that she isn't attacking you - nor am I- but I think in a roundabout way she wants the best for you because she cares about me and knows the choices you make in this circumstance will all-around affect me, too.

By the way - the following journal entry was written yesterday afternoon before we even spoke or mentioned Yvette had written you. It is important that you know that. This was not written tonite or just now. It took me hours to write what Ive chosen to share with you and Ive summarized this to be to the point for you and concise/clear. I do not feel its malicious or meant to attack/hurt or anger you, and that is not my intention in sharing this, so I strongly want to emphasize that you not take how I feel the wrong way - please try to listen to what I am really saying in this without jumping to conclusions or negative assumptions.

I will feel anxiety over this because I don't want to upset you or cause you any negative emotion. It will worry me until I hear some reply or reassurance and you talk to me more on this. Please do at some point today.

I love you so deeply and hope you can just separate yourself enough for one minute to understand where I come from and put things into true perspective with out feeling hurt or on the defensive or even angry again, at me. Please try to hear what is truly at the heart of all that I am saying. Thank you in advance for your patience and again I apologize for the way I have caused you such stress in recent days.

I am aware that there is much going on and much to be stressed over in many areas of your life especially in this wedding preparation, that is why sharing what I wrote below is vital.

To minimize stress for both you and I, I need you to listen to what I am saying and hear this, heed it, because adding more stress to the mix is definitely the last thing we need so let's find a way that we can work together productively and find a happy medium please.

Please be gentle in your reaction and reply to this. I don't think my heart/mind/body can handle another day of arguing or crying. Please, my hormones are off balance w/ my period and I am sensitive, tired, stressed, drained and I just feel emotionally taxxed right now. I feel runned down and not at my best emotional state so please be gentle, its all I ask.

I love you-

April

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

the stress + strain of house-hunting 7.28.08 [Monday]

A home is an investment and if we can't see ourselves there down the road ten yrs plus, we should not make that committment or investment. It is a huge [life-altering] decision that you can't just correct if you make the wrong choice, you are stuck.

I do not want our final home choice to be the result of pressurized selling or the home of our nitemares simply because we settled feeling desperation to pick anything just to get a home period.

I am not desperate and refuse to settle. I believe that anything good is worth the wait. I also believe in making a decision that I can commit to for a lifetime and not being rash when it comes to choosing a home and buying one.

I refuse to settle because if nothing is coming our way OR prices raise or it's NOT meant to be right now, then I am content to accept that. I would much rather wait until the time is right and have a home I love than end up with a dump I settled for just because we made decisions based on fear and desperation. But Jimmy thinks differently. He wants a home right away and he thinks in the negative, that he will never be able to afford a home if he doesn't buy now. I have to disagree. He has a high enough income that he can afford a home and will one day and he has pristine credit.

There is no reason why down the road he couldn't ever buy a home but he is so restless, anxious, antsy to buy a home before the market changes and prices raise that he has lost sight of his prior ambitions to find a dream home that is affordable which we both love and is almost ready to settle for homes I couldnt even see him ever wanting to live in if it were an apt we were renting. its just his ideals have gone down the drain due to desperation and FEAR of never owning a home.

I feel that he lacks trust in himself and the future and I don't know how to instill some faith and hope which I do have. I would ask why but I'm afraid to because he never reacts well to confrontation and seems to always become defensive, closing up, whenever I want to talk. He would only deny this and downplay what I sense and feel and dismiss it as if it were not true if I said my true thoughts right now.

I've tried to make him see and I think its opened his mind a lot as he even wrote Yvette a lengthy letter explaining we wanted a break and didn't want to settle for just any home [all the things I told him I felt recently] and that he had decided he'd gotten lost in the excitement of it all and lost sight of what was important to him and ourselves so he wanted to re-evaluate his choices and start over from scratch, stick to his ideals and not settle even if we have to wait til something pops up that we can afford. I think he finally realizes and agrees with me that it's better to wait than to regret, in the long run.

Unfortunately Yvette's reply to him was short and impersonal/unfriendly, abrupt. I don't think she is happy about the decision and she has never wrote anything saying she understands where we are coming from or supporting our decision. I fear this non-reaction will cause him to cave and re-nig on his decision, the one we made together and my anxiety is building with worry over this.

He even expressed his regret in wasting her time and apologized in two different emails saying he felt awkward with her and hoped she understood. He showed me her replies and none of them acknowledged his apology or her giving us any understanding. I don't feel she is truly genuine or wants the best outcome for us. I believe it is only the promise of a sale and cash that counts to her. She may no longer want to work with us but if she does, I think it is only money/sale- motivated.

I really do not want to work with her anymore after some of her actions/behaviors in all this and she has hit a nerve on more than one occasion with me coming off catty and snarky in an effort to get a rise out of me. She's hardly organized, professional or competent at her job and frankly I am at the end of my rope with her and sick of having to deal with the likes of her .

Jimmy on the other hand thinks he will ask her in the future to show us more houses again once we take a break. He acknowledges he senses the same discomfort in her replies or lack of acknowledgement or hurt and seems to think she will get over it and seems completely oblivious to the fact that his decision was taken very personally by her, in my opinion, and the fact that he has in a sense damaged the business relationship and I would not be surprised if she thinks I am behind this and feels hostility towards me. I have never felt that she genuinely likes me as a person, anyway.

She is NEVER going to be comfortable now even if time passes and she lets it go. I feel it's time to move on and find someone else especially someone who is not connected to his best friend. I feel choosing someone with a connection was a big mistake. This whole time I've felt his eagerness to do what she says, no matter how rash and irresponsible and hasty, has been effected by the fact that she is his best friend's sister-in-law. It is almost as if he feels obligated to impress her or he feels he has to impress her and give her a good sale. I do not want to buy our first home with someone he is out to impress or consumed by the fear of disappointing her just because she is connected to his personal life. That is how mistakes and bad choices occur. I feel and believe it was a HUGE mistake to go with her because if it doesn't work out or he makes a bad choice, he is going to have to see her in the future outside of the business relationship because its his best friend's relative.

I can't force him to do-away with Yvette because of his loyalty to her which seems quite wrongly misplaced due to the fact that she is his best friend's sis in law and he feels pressured to not disappoint and does not want to go outside of his 'comfort zone' to find another simply because its too much work for him so he will settle for this.

I am a person who has a real dislike of people who "kiss-up" or put on a facade just to make someone else like or respect them just because they are afraid to be themselves. The truth is I can't and I won't tell him what to do but I will not keep quiet about the fact that I do not like Yvette and do not wish to continue with her and that if he does, he can expect more future outbursts/arguments in front of her from me if provoked by her w/ sarcastic/catty remarks because my patience is wearing thin and my level of tolerance is growing weak. She has already seen me blow up in controlled ways a few times and I was sarcastic and snappy towards or indirectly irritated at her and it showed - it was subtle but anyone could feel the sense of tension spilling over in the air.

When Jimmy did tell me he wrote Yvette a lengthy letter about us making a decision to take a break from house hunting and pull homes we had bidded on that week and cancel them based on realizing we were settling and making bad decisions and needed to re-evaluate our priorites etc, I felt SO relieved. These were all the things I have been saying for months now and had argued over with him.

It moved me to know that he finally listened to what I was saying and on his own and had come to the realization that I was right and that he was being very hasty. I feel that him waking up has helped lessen some of the tension that got kicked up in our relationship..HOWEVER his mother has already expressed extreme disapproval this past weekend, and it sounded like from what I could see [he was on the phone with her], that she was unhappy and critical of his decision and was encouraging him to rush in finding a home and to settle before prices go up, rather than waiting for the right home. I heard him explaining and reasoning with her and defending our decision however I could tell his mother was discounting what he thought best for us and planting doubt in his and our decision together. After this talk, Jimmy seemed anxious over getting a home prior to our wedding in november this fall, all over again, AFTER we had spoken of taking a step back and going slower with this only days before.

I don't know what is in his head today. He is going back 'n' forth between rational logic and impulsiveness to find a home before the market changes. I feel he is being influenced back to his previous thoughts prior to deciding to take a break - all because of the way his mother was pushing him to find one and not take a break this past Saturday and I am aggravated as hell that she has gotten him all stressed out again making him feel as though he will never find or afford a home in his lifetime and that she has undone, unravelled the decision we had made together, only days ago, to take a break and reevaluate everything, change our game plan and so on. I am frustrated with it all and don't even know what we are doing now. He is so all over the place and indecisive about being decisive that I am confused/lost and it is causing me more stress than I can handle right now.

I mentioned recently that he probably felt desperate to buy a home because of his mother's constant calls everytime she knows that we are going to look at homes to see if we found one yet or if we have bid on it...And then when we haven't found anything, lecturing him he's got to hurry and buy a home. He totally denied this when I mentioned this gently last week but then my point was proven when his mother called and he said his decision this past wkend and she kept him on the phone for longer than usual just to lecture him about how she disagreed with him waiting etc.

I didn't hear her exact words but I was sitting next to him the entire time and I saw his face, his reaction and you could tell, that she was pushing him and pressuring him and making him doubt himself and I could tell after that convo - that it affected him because we've looked at more online homes after this to add to check out in the near future AND he made statements a few times after making the decision to cool things off that sound like he is getting desperate again and I sense that he is ready and ripe to contradict his and my decision.

In fact, I have the distinct feeling he will talk to yvette via email - if not today- sometime this week- and I think he will, without telling me, try to fix things in order to make near future plans. I feel anxious over this and think he will not voluntarily tell me about it or will ease it in light hearted conversation very soon just to prepare for a soon-to-be outing with her and act like we never made the decision we just did.

I sense that the resolve he and I decided on, is slowing slipping away and disintegrating and that he is going to retract all that he had said about taking a break because we have so much to do with planning the wedding and all and it is quite stressful.

The way I feel is : the wedding + impending marriage ARE top priority, therefore making sure everything is together for our day should come first!! We committed to this date way before we even started looking for homes and that should be our primary focus.

Planning a wedding causes extreme stress for most and he has been recently expressing this, and so, to top it off with trying to find a home before the wedding makes absolutely NO sense and is asking for it.

Things are stressful enough and even he is coming undone over the stressors of putting a formal wedding together and it really bears no logic to try to add more stress to your life by doing the second most stressful thing in the average couples' life- buying a first home.

I am not certain my mental state can handle that much stress and strain. it is just too much for me and i feel it is causing enough distress in the relationship to cause damage. i just feel the timing is all wrong.

There is no emergency, no rush to find a home before our wedding, but I can't convince him otherwise and he doesn't see the affect it is having on everything. It is like asking for suicide to add that to the mix and his idea originally was to get a home and move in, a month before the wedding. That is f***in' crazy and makes absolutely NO SENSE at all.

I can be a person who lacks common sense in areas that involve emotion and scary decision-making HOWEVER in this situation, I feel we have switched roles . He is the person I typically am and I am the logical one this time. It baffles me because he is very grounded, a logically oriented person, stable. J. does not jump to conclusions, make hasty choices, do things he regrets. Normally, he is slow, safe, cautious, guarded - slow to take big steps and make decisions, perfectionist about what he buys or chooses [must be flawless] so when I think of all this and I have told him this, I am completely confused as to why he has not been this way in the arena of choosing a home/buying our first home together.

I feel that my fiance is a successful person in many facets of his life and has wonderful potential for more success in his future however I feel that his parents high expectations/attitudes push him too hard and this truly blocks him and is a source of inner confliction and self-doubt. It makes me both sad and angry and also frustrated that I cannot do anything and I am helpless to make him see this without offending him.

I am dizzy with the whole thing. Things change so much. One minute you're told you have a good chance or are within the right price range then the next minute you're told 'oh sorry someone else already has a contract, outbid you, or you were not in the right price range.' We've had so many of this lately that all the homes are beginning to blend together and I can't keep up on it all. I feel utterly drained, burned out over it all.

It has been a whirlwind of homes, overkill of looking and being told to bid on what we can lay our hands on [according to Yvette which I thought unwise-] ..WHY bid on things you don't love as backup? Why not focus on only what you love and what you would settle for as the best? I had been telling this to Jimmy for a while now. It finally dawned on him and in his letter to Yvette late last week he did state this.

I fear he will regress though because her lack of acknowledgement and lack of attempt to reply to what he said to her or accept his apology may cause someone like him to fold and give in, and because he has a need to please/impress others to be liked. I can already envision him writing her out of the blue like nothing happened and suggesting to look at his next set of homes.

I hope he does not do that. It would look very flighty, wishy washy, and I would resent it after all we talked over and how I helped him compile his letter to her and took the time to discuss the situation with him, listened to him, and made a joint decision together. IF he were to turn around and change everything we talked out and decided days ago, I would feel very disappointed and unsettled..not to mention pissed.

When you make a decision together, you stick together. Not to mention the fact that he wrote two very decisive and to the point emails to Yvette stating clearly his decision and my approval of that decision to take a break, go slower, and do things entirely differently. And so if he were to start planning outings right away again, it would seem like he never meant what he wrote and it would come off as desperation and lacking ability to stick with what he had said when we had clearly made a decision and took the time to write out his feelings to her.

Her unacknowledgement of what he had written about our decision/apology clearly is her way of not putting any weight into what he said, knowing that that is the best tactic to get him to start talking again about our next planned meeting.

I fear he is not going to stick to that decision we made and that I cannot handle the stress that will follow and ensue. There are too many other important things going on that involve a heavy amount of stress like finalizing all details of our wedding and this added to it, causes deep confliction, anxiety, and is distressful to my mental state of being. I do not want to go backwards from this!! but that is what i sense is going to happen. I don't know what to do :/

++++

Thank you for listening and I think you should think about what I've expressed. Please do not take it personally or think that I am trying to attack you. The whole situation is going to cause me to crack mentally and my mind can only handle so much stress. Be mindful of this. Please.

You stated to Yvette via email and right in front of me that we were taking a break and I agreed and told you I felt it necessary and essential and even if you have changed your mind at this moment [within days, it is not even a week since you wrote her], it would be unfair to yank me back into that gruelling process of doing what we were doing prior when it is so obvious I am in great need of a break right now, emotionally and mentally. It is too much. Please heed my warning. I do not want a mental breakdown before our wedding .

Here are C's notes. Please know that I believe in my heart that she has good intentions and that she truly just wants the best for both and is looking out for your and my future. She does like you and always compliments you when I write so it's not like she looks down on you. Anyway here are her notes:

I would recommend that he not tell his family at all the next time you look for a home. When we were considering building we never mentioned it to Freds' family because they would just harp on him. People who harp on other people are controlling. They are NOT looking out for someone's own good and that "need to impress" is why so many people are in foreclosure right now. All Jimmy has to do is read the paper. Does he really want to have to turn around and lose his home and his credit?

Yikes! Sorry. I don't mean to be inciting you against him if you're already having hard feelings, but Jeeze Louise! Tell Jimmy I said it's a very wise decision, that people overextend themselves and that if you wait for your dream house, you'll both walk in and go, this is it! But if you buy a house because you feel you have to, you'll be settling! *hugs*

You definitely need to be included on decisions. Maybe you can just sit on this stuff for six months. It's never a good idea to be trying to do too many things at once. In this world where everything is so stressful, it doesn't make sense to invite more! [C.] [p]

the stress + strain of house hunting- pt 2

We do not want our final home choice to be the result of pressurized selling or the home of our nitemares simply because we settled feeling desperation to pick anything just to get a home period.

[that is more jimmy than i. im not desperate and refuse to settle. i believe that anything good is worth the wait. i also believe in making a decision that i can commit to for a lifetime and not being rash when it comes to choosing a home and buying one. i refuse to settle. if nothing is coming my way OR prices raise or its NOT meant to be right now, then i am content to accept that. id much rather wait until the time is right and have a home i love than end up with a dump i settled for just because i made decisions based on fear and desperation. jimmy thinks differently. he wants a home right away and he thinks in the negative, that he will never be able to afford a home if he doesnt buy now. i have to disagree. he has a high enough income that he can afford a home and will one day and he has pristine credit. there is no reason why down the road he couldn't ever buy a home but hes so restless, anxious, antsy to buy a home before the market changes and prices raise that he has lost sight of his prior ambitions to find a dream home that is affordable which we both love and has almost thrown away those values and is ready to settle for homes i couldnt even see him ever wanting to live in if it were an apt we were renting. its just his ideals have gone down the drain due to desparation and FEAR of never owning a home. he lacks trust in himself and the future and I don't know how to instill some faith and hope which I do have.

I've tried to make him see and I think its opened his mind a lot as he even wrote yvette a lengthy letter explaining we wanted a break and didnt want to settle for just any home [all the things i told him i felt recently] and that he had decided he'd gotten lost in the excitement of it all and lost sight of what was important to him and ourselves so he wanted to reevaluate his choices and start over from scratch, stick to his ideals and not settle even if we have to wait til something pops up that we can afford. he realizes its better to wait than regret.

Unfortunately Yvette's reply to him was short and impersonal/unfriendly, abrupt. I dont think she is happy about the decision and she has never wrote anything saying she understands where we are coming from or supporting our decision. He even expressed his regret in wasting her time and apologized in two different emails saying he felt awkward with her and hoped she understood. He showed me her replies and none of them acknowledged his apology or her giving us any understanding. I dont feel she wants to work with us anymore and really do not want to work with her anymore after some of her actions/behaviors in all this and she has hit a nerve on more than one occasion with me coming off catty and snarky in an effort to get a rise out of me. she's hardly organized, professional or competent at her job and frankly i am at the end of my rope with her and sick of having to deal with the likes of her . i dont care to see her face again. i get angry.

Jimmy on the other hand thinks he will ask her in the future to show us more houses again once we take a little break. He acknowledges he senses the same discomfort in her replies or lack of acknowledgement or hurt and seems to think she will get over it and seems completely oblivious to the fact that his decision was taken very personally by her, in my opinion and he has in a sense damaged the business relationship and cut the ties by saying what he did to her.

Its NEVER going to be comfortable now even if time passes and she lets it go. i feel its time to move on and find someone else esp someone who is not connected to his best friend. i feel that was a big mistake. this whole time ive felt his eagerness to do what she says, no matter how rash and irresponsible and hasty, has been effected by the fact that she is his best friend's sis in law. its almost as if he is obligated to impress her or he feels he has to impress her and give her a good sale. i know how he thinks and he is hungry to be liked by everyone esp people connected to his family/friends. I do not want to buy our first home with someone he is out to impress or consumed with the fear of disappointing her just because she is connected to his personal life. i feel and believe it is a HUGE mistake to go with her. because if it doesnt work out or he makes a bad choice, he is going to have to see her in the future outside of the business relationship because its his best friend's relative.

I can't force him to do-away with yvette because of his loyalty to her which seems quite wrongly misplaced due to i believe it is only that she is his best friend's sis in law and he feels pressured to not disappoint. but I am a person who has a real dislike of people who "kiss-up" or put on a facade just to make someone else like or respect them just because they are afraid to be themselves. The truth is I can't and I won't tell him what to do but I will not keep quiet about the fact that I do not like Yvette and do not wish to continue with her and that if he does, he can expect more and more future outbursts/arguments in front of her from me if provoked by her w/ sarcastic/catty remarks because my patience will wear thin and my level of tolerance is growing weak. she has already seen me blow up in controlled ways a few times and I was sarcastic and snappy towards or indirectly irritated at her and it showed - it was subtle but anyone could feel the sense of tension spilling over in the air. I do not like her and nothing he says or does will convince me otherwise.

When Jimmy did tell me he wrote Yvette a lengthy letter about us making a decision to take a break from house hunting and pull homes we had bidded on that week and cancel them based on realizing we were settling and making bad decisions and needed to re-evaluate our priorites etc, I felt so relieved. These were all the things I have been saying for months now and had argued over with him.

It moved me to know that he finally listened to what i was saying and on his own came to the realization that i was right and that he was being very hasty and him waking up has helped lessen some of the tension that gets kicked up in our relationship

HOWEVER his mother has already butted her head in this weekend, and it sounded like from what i could see [he was on the phone with her], that she was showing EXTREME disapproval of his decision to take a break from yvette. Its almost like she was telling him to rush in finding a home and to settle for any home and be unsensible, rather than waiting for the right home. his mother was lecturing him about how he needs to find a home now before the rates increase and how he's running out of time.

After this talk, Jimmy seemed anxious over getting a home prior to our wedding in november this fall, all over again, AFTER we had spoken of taking a step back and going slower with this only days before. i don't know what is in his head today. he is going back n forth. between rational logic and going with what his mother is pushing him to do and i am aggravated as hell that she has got him all stressed out again making him feel as though he will never find or afford a home in his lifetime ever and that she has undone, unravelled all my work and all the sense i had finally talked into him and into his head. I am frustrated with it all and don't even know what we are doing now. he is so all over the place and indecisive about being decisive that Im confused/lost.

Gee, I wonder why Jimmy struggles with self-doubt and has a hard time making decisions?! Could it be because his mother is always criticizing his every move [and if his father spoke more as he is ill, i know he'd be even more critical of jimmy than his mother. it is their way. and i have to say i see it as very toxic and the reason for a lot of jimmy's inability to communicate or make decisive decisions without feeling doubt in himself or feeling like he is a failure. ] He doesnt see it though as everytime I point it out, he dismisses it, downplays it, and defends her/them.

For instance, I mentioned recently that he prob felt desperate to buy a home because of his mother's constant calls everytime we look at homes to see if we found one yet and have we bid on it? and then when we haven't found anything, lecturing him he's got to hurry and buy a home. HE totally denied this when I mentioned this gently last week but then my point was proved when his mother called and he said his decision this past wkend and she kept him on the phone for longer than usual to lecture him about how she disagreed with him waiting etc.

I didnt hear her exact words but I was sitting next to him the entire time and I saw his face, his reaction and you could tell, that she was pushing him and pressuring him and making him doubt himself. and I could tell after that convo - that it affected him because weve looked at more online homes after this to add to check out in the near future AND he made statements a few times after making the decision to cool things off that sound like he is getting desperate again and i sense that he is ready and ripe to contradict his decision. in fact, i have the distinct feeling he will talk to yvette via email today and fix things in order to make near future plans. I feel anxious over this and think he will not voluntarily tell me about it or will ease it in soon, subtley to prepare for a soon-to-be outing with her. i sense that the resolve he and i decided on, is slowing slipping away and disintegrating and that he is going to retract all that he had said about taking a break because we have so much to do with planning the wedding and all and it is quite stressful. the way i feel the wedding is top priority and our marriage and making sure everything is together for our day- should come first. we committed to this date way before we even started looking for homes and that should be our primary focus. planning a wedding causes extreme stress for most and to top it with trying to find a home before the wedding is asking for it. things are stressful enough and even he is coming undone over the stressors of putting a formal wedding together and it really bears no logic to try to add more stress to your life by doing the second most stressful thing in the average couples' life- buying a first home. i am not certain my mental state can handle that much stress and strain. it is just too much for me and i feel it is causing enough distress in the relationship to cause damage. i just feel the timing is all wrong. there is no emergency, no rush to find a home before our wedding, but i can't convince him otherwise and he doesnt see the affect it is having on everything.

Its all because of his mother I believe. and it makes me really angry. I am not making any hasty decision in terms of buying a home where we will share our future lives together. I'm sorry - I am not going to allow a mistake to be made. Its not just his life, its mine too and I refuse to be pulled down into someone else's mistake when we are a unit and most esp when its all based on an irrational fear of never owning a home.

I feel he is too fixated on impressing everyone. He needs to let go a bit on this. Not just this, but we have enough stress with wedding planning and he has complained constantly. I feel its stupid on his part to try to add finding a home on top of all that.

Its like asking for suicide to add that to the mix and his idea originally was to get a home and move in, a month before the wedding. that is sooo crazy and makes absolutely NO SENSE at all.

I can be a person who lacks common sense in areas that involve emotion and scary decision-making HOWEVER in this situation, i feel we have switched roles . he is the person i typically am and i am the logical one this time. it baffles me because jimmy is very grounded, logical oriented person, stable. he doesnt jump to conclusions, make hasty choices, do things he regrets and he is slow, safe, cautious, guarded - slow to take big steps and make decisions, perfectionist about what he buys or chooses [must be flawless] so when i think of all this and i have told him this, i am completely confused as to why he has not been this way in the arena of choosing a home/buying our first home together...it's as if he has thrown out all his sensibilities, logic, values and smart decison making strategies in this situation. i just cannot pinpoint why and can only assume it is sheer desperation and fear of looking like a failure to everyone in his life and feeling he doesnt measure up and im sure its largely attributed to the jabs his parents make that convince him he is not good enough or successful enough but he'd deny this til the day he dies.

I love him and feel angry when i see how his parents have created this confliction in himself and dissatisfaction in life because their opinions have become his and i think sometimes they are overly critical, judging and superficial in their values and its everything i am against. i feel jimmy is a successful person in many facets of his life and has wonderful potential for more success but his parents attitudes have seeped into him and they block him. it makes me both sad and angry and also frustrated that i cannot do anything and i am helpless to make him see this without offending him.

reassessing the home-hunting situation.

The agent we have - i am not too happy with whom i feel is manipulative and does not do her job and has wasted most of her time these past mos by showing us homes that were out of our range but since she didn't do the figures, because its her job and we are not experts, we didn't know until jimmy filed actual paperwork and invested time and emotion into these homes.

Everything we've bid on has fallen through because of our real estate agent's shoddy work. jimmy refuses to see this since she is a family friend but i'm wise to it all and am close to my end of rope especially now that she and the loan guy are pressuring him to settle on any house [and some of them are real dumps, fixer-uppers] by august first because his time is almost up. i told him he does not have to settle but he ignores me!

At the end of my entry or towards the end, I will share something Jimmy wrote me the week prior in regard to homes we had seen a few wks ago and he had bid on. It sparked a series of serious talk and deliberation b/t us and actually led Jimmy to finally wake up and reassess the way in which he has allowed the pressure of real estate agent Y. + loan guy Rick to effect him in his decision making, making his actions hasty, desperate and bound to cause us regret because in effort to find a house quickly and being told the deadline is August/September of this year and that the FHA loans are a limited time offer and will not be available by December has caused Jimmy to go off the deep end, thinking he must purchase right away even if he is not thrilled with the home or what he envisioned.

I would rather not be dependent on FHA if there is a limited amount of time to buy a home and there is such a short deadline. I feel you are bound to make a mistake when your time is not your own. How can anyone think clearly or make a focused decision? I think it is too much.

I think I finally got him to realize that out of his desperation to find a home before this deadline expired, that he was playing with fire and our future and he was bound to regret his decision and choice in a first home. I felt he was heading towards a direction that would lead him to settle.

I feel buying our first home is a life decision and it is serious. It is not something to be made on a deadline and it is a commitment that you want to be sure of before you make it. Because this is NOT like when you buy a new outfit and you have 30 days to decide if you don't like it or if there is some flaw in the item.

If you are unsatisfied with your purchase, you cannot return it and it is not like an apartment that you rent. You cannot just walk away from it, you are stuck for several years with whatever decision you make and then have the headache of trying to sell it and make enough money to get a better home. Those are all things Jimmy fears and in his rush to get his first home because of the pressure of these sale people and his own inner insecurities of how he defines being a man as well as his mother's constant nagging that he should have a home now and why has not found one yet?...I believe with all of this eating him alive, he is going to end up fulfilling his worst fears- self fulfilling prophecy they call it. Truth is the more fixated you are on something, the more often you end up doing that which you fear or avoid.

Recently, I had mentioned to Jimmy that I felt that his mother's nagging made him feel pressured to buy a home and that his motivations were to impress/please her and I felt that it really was not her life, it is his life, my life + our life and she is not living it and his decisions ought to be based on what him and I want as a couple not based on what he fears his mother will think and what he thinks she expects of him. I find this all very negative and it somehow disturbs/bothers me. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I feel there is nothing wrong with you if you are not able to afford a home and that having a home or a first home is not at the top of my priority list NOR does it define my worth as a person or human being in this world NOR is my successfulness dependent upon owning a home.

I feel Jimmy's self worth and perception of success in himself is based on getting this first home and it has been pounded into his head by none other than his parents and I just feel their pressure and high expectations are going to cause him to cave and fall apart one of these days because its too much and it is unrealistic and unfair.

It is not the end of the world if you cannot buy a home and it does not mean it will be impossible to ever buy a home if you don't buy it by the end of the year. But Jimmy - I think- believes otherwise and is consumed with this.

I feel if you can't afford a home- it isn't indicative of who you are as a person or if you are good enough in this world. If you can't afford it, then you find contentment in what is the now and show gratitiude with what you actually do have. I feel like I was raised as struggling poor middle class so when I did get things, really nice things I had more appreciation, gratitude and respect for what I owned and cherished those things. Jimmy had a priviledged upbringing and came what I view as a higher middle class family than I. We did not have nice furniture in our home - we were poor. I just feel he has been spoiled so he expects more of others and himself where as I have a vastly different view.

I am happy with what I get or what is given to me, because growing up I didn't live in a fancy home or get whatever I wanted. I doubt he has a clue what its like to do without little or be without. You have more appreciation when you are born with nothing and have nothing. The positive I got out of growing up that way is I am able to be happy with what I have and I don't allow myself to take anything for granted. I do not have high expectations to have something beyond my reach and am not superficial. It sucks sometimes coming from such different backgrounds because we tend to clash and he does not always understand where I am coming from.

But I see and understand both sides clear as day. I understand his side and why he thinks as he does, even if I don't agree with it. I understand it all and him more than he even understands himself. It is unfortunate that he cannot see things the way I can - from both sides and put himself in others shoes, put things into perspective just like I am able to. It would make everything so much easier in our relationship but he is incapable of seeing beyond his own point of view and his own set of circumstances (the way he was raised).

Jimmy does not know how to be content with the now even if it doesn't fit his vision of where he should be at now and I find that to be a very negative and counterproductive attitude to take in life. At times it very much aggravates me because it brings me down.

He's too busy looking around what his family and friends have and basing his worth on what he lacks by comparing himself to them. Since all of them own homes, I think deep down he feels like he has failed as a person, a man, that he feels he is not successful enough in life, that he puts himself down. I feel that he is driven by what others think of him and that makes me sad. I doubt his friends judge him but I do feel his parents nagging and little jabs are the reason for his insecurity and flawed self perceptions of himself. I have tried to make him realize this but it's a touchy subject and no one wants to hear anyone especially their fiancee critique their parents I suppose.

Finding our first home has been extremely stressful and I am a difficult, bitchy customer because I have high expectations and don't believe in investing in something that isn't worthy and will not settle.

A home is an investment and if we can't see ourselves there down the road ten yrs plus..I do not, we should not make that committment or investment. It's a huge decision that you can't just correct if you make the wrong choice. You are stuck.

There are many things to consider- it is more than layout, size, architecture, the yard, amenities, neighborhood, safety, what community has to offer, is there a pool, how high are taxes/HOA and other fees like cdc as prospective firstime home buyers. You do not want to make a decision you'll regret.

There isn't a lot to offer in our price range and most are fixer uppers, flawed. We have to be able to envision a future there, possibly family before jumping into it. And in all honesty, right now the economy is bad. We had a talk yesterday and we are going to be more picky and not rush to just pick anything no matter what this pushy agent says.

We got a million pix of potentials + have bidded on 3 but at this point, not sure what we want to do or if we want to go forward. None of these homes are spectacular and every one we absolutely loved has fallen thru or been yanked back from us due to the agent and loan guy misleading us- saying it was in our range and then taking it back and saying it is way out of our league and to forget it. This has happened with between five and seven homes we absolutely loved and had invested the last 3 months intensively searching for hours with our agent.

It is highly frustrating when you go thru all that pain of looking [cos it isn't fun for hours] and then find out all that hard work and excitement for finding "the one" is cancelled out because you were told that these particular homes were in your range and taken there as if you could afford or buy it. Very discouraging. Maybe we just need a break to think about what to do next!

In the following entry, I will explain in a series what happened with our real estate agent yvette last week and share some photos of the ones we saw and considered as well as explain the decision we came to this past weekend on taking a step back with house hunting, taking a break, and regrouping so we can make a more focused, clear-headed, rational decision.

[more to follow]

(respect yourself.)

Self-respect cannot be hunted. It cannot be purchased. It is never for sale. It cannot be fabricated out of public relations. It comes to us when we are alone, in quiet moments, in quiet places, when we suddenly realize that, knowing the good, we have done it; knowing the beautiful, we have served it; knowing the truth, we have spoken it.

Alfred Whitney Griswold, 1906-1963

American Historian and Educator

Related Quotes Today's Story: 'All The Way Shay!'

up-do ideas + wedding stressors. i will survive!

a few updo's i like- my main faves for myself are the first two.

the third one is the color hair i'd like to dye mine!

#1

Natural Updo

Natural waves are highlighted in this modern updo that looks effortless and sophisticated.

#2 Classic Wavy Updo

#3 French Twist With Flowers

#4 Updo With Dramatic Appeal

Ideal for a celebrity-loving bride -- this updo has a dramatic, eye-catching quality and great style.

See more Updos


I shared this with my matron of honor and she replied in email that she liked the 1^st and 3^rd hairstyles best.

And then I wrote Matron of Honor the following below in reference to her email and other current events this week:

Hi,

After you left on Saturday, a few hours later we went to Michael's over here which had most of the same stuff and looked almost bigger than the aisle we were in for wedding stuff. He really liked all that stuff and definitely thought it was worth it. He said we'll go back there and get some stuff when he has money- I assume in the near future.

Jimmy wrote me this morning saying he got tix for his fave band of all time. The Smashing Pumpkins are coming to Ruth Eckerd Hall in August so we got tix to it :) I told him that was cool but hoped he had money for all the wedding stuff we still have to do since he's complained about not having enough money for that and for buying a home. and he had said he was trying NOT to buy anymore concert tix until after our wedding + honeymoon.

So I just sent an email to him hinting some of the main things we need to do/focus on, get accomplished. I don't mean to be nagging and wouldnt care about the concert so much if I saw him actually setting down goals to do the things we need done, most of which I cannot do alone since it involves both of us being at the appt and him paying for the things that my parents are not paying for financially.

We have several big things that are not even reserved yet or found and we are months behind in what would be expected at this point in any bridal/wedding magazine or website and it's anxiety provoking and overwhelming/stressful to me. Hopefully we tackle this stuff this wkend.

Well he just wrote me back and said he knew I was right and it was stressful to him but he knew I was right and we'd work on accomplishing what we can by the end of this weekend. He said he'd call me at 1pm and he called me 'sweet pea' which he never does so I guess he was trying to be reassuring and sweet to me to relieve my anxiety which was really nice. I'm glad he didn't take what I wrote the wrong way. I know in email it can come out sounding all wrong or critical!

We may have to go to the famous footwear in citrus park either tonite or tomorrow nite cos I exchanged my sketchers shoes for these comfy black leather Clarks shoes there and they didnt have my size so I ordered it before we went to Sarasota and its been in for about a week now!

Have u seen the Dark Knight or is that your type of film???? I sense it would be. Jimmy really wants to see it. I am not a batman fan at all to be honest and I recently saw that Batman Begins via netflix with Jimmy to see if maybe I'd like it prior to the release of dark knight hoping I might like it but the truth is that it was as boring as I remember when my dad watched it and I ended up leaving the room back then. This time around I was bored to tears and had to force myself to not fall asleep because I found it so boring and slow moving.

Christian Bale is one of those actors I just don't like for some reason. every film Ive seen him in, I was bored by the film and him and I don't get the attraction to him either but a lot of people seem to like him.

I guess Jimmy really wants to also see Heath Ledger's joker role but I am just not into the whole batman/superheroe story anyway and find it tacky. and Heath was an okay actor. I didnt love any of the films I saw him in, honestly .......although I'm sure he was a fine actor. The whole "dark knight" thing just seems overhyped to me, all becos of heath's death or accidental suicide. And really I could care less about the film or the joker, be it Heath or not.

Anyway, Jimmy has asked his friend Tony if he will go with him so he might see that soon this wk or wkend with him. Hopefully Tony will go with him as he always backs out on any plan Jimmy tries to make with him and is so flighty that I feel bad for Jimmy since he is his past childhood friend + they were roommates for yrs when they both first moved here from the midwest. I know it hurts him that T. doesnt place him as a top priority of his life and I keep telling him people change and grow apart esp when they marry and are thinking of having a family/kids. Anyway I opted to not go as I think I'd be bored having to sit thru the movie for 2 hrs and he prob needs some guy/buddy time. LOL But if T. flakes on him, I will be his movie partner as I feel bad and he doesnt like going to things alone. Poor guy :( So, I was just curious if you saw it yet as I imagine you might be a fan and thought I could pass on if you thought it was good or not, if you saw it, to Jimmy :)

Anyway, I hope you are well today.

Love,
Me

I wrote the following to Jimmy after he emailed me he excitedly got the almost last tix to smashing pumpkins at a fancy art/orchestra hall in clearwater before they sold out. I'd say it irritated me a bit but i tried my best to bite the tongue and be gracious. I wrote this below and his reply is as follows afterwards:

Jimmy,

That's cool sweetie :) I know how much you've wanted to see them in the past year or so, so I'm happy for you. I'm also really pleased its an indoor venue and a nice classy one at that which isn't too high up like the other stadium places [tool, the cure] that tend to make me sick/dizzy/claustrophobic and panicked. I'm glad it will be a pleasant experience since that is a really nice and relaxing venue. I don't really want a repeat of the cure concert as that was distressful for me. Anyway, hopefully it was not too expensive because we still need to get a lot of things for our wedding and honeymoon including wedding bands and such which we need to begin looking around for soon.

Here are the things most on my mind that overwhelm and I feel need to be attempted and completed for our wedding to be a successful event and for us to be right on track...I will map it out below..

Right now we are way behind schedule by a few mos. We need to get most of the things I am listing within the next few wks, seriously, we are way behind by any book, website or person on wedding planning and the timeline. We have to get back on track and get these things done below and I am not saying all of it in here because there is more we should be doing than this and its too overwhelming to focus on it all for me right now plus the ones I mention here are the ones I am most worried over and until I get those done, I cannot focus on all the other details we have overlooked that need to be done for our wedding in the next two or so months.

We need to get a timeline and goal list down this week and tackle half or more of the things by this weekend. Please read carefully and take mental notes as it's very important to me and I want an organized classy wedding. Call me or write today when you have time. If you don't have time, lunchtime would be a good time to call me for a few minutes as I am sure you have an hour break and enough time to make a call to me. I'd feel less stressed if we could tackle all of these head on or at least part of them. Please help me with these as I feel a lot of these are things we need to be doing together on both of our time together. Thanks for listening ahead of time and I appreciate your patience on this matter :)

+++

I'd like to find out about making an appt with the photographer/dj this week [can you call?], and during the weekend can we start looking at jeweler's or finer stores for wedding bands so we can get an idea what we want and what it will cost?

I'd also like to get our wedding invitation order in by this wkend as I really wanted it done by last wkend.

The other thing is we should set up an appt with Stephanie, the Sandals travel agent, so we can get an idea and have a plan as I was excited to hear from her about all the pkg deals and all. Here is her number if you need it so we can call for an appt. ***-***-****.

We also need to do research on what I need to do in terms of getting a passport and what we need to get the marriage license prior to the wedding and how far before the wedding its required to apply for it. Just some things on my mind.

We also need to call Alessi Bakery soon to talk with the person head of cakes and sit down with them to sort out and place our order with them. At this point, we should have already made an appt, talked to someone and reserved our date with them. I think in the past I did this six mos prior to the wedding so we are very behind in many things as it's almost August - and getting b/t the 3 and 4 month mark. Most things should be finalized or reserved at this point.

Anyway- I'll let you go for now so not to overwhelm. Sorry to bombard you with ideas/things we need to do but if I don't say it or put it in writing in goal form- it will not get done and its stressful that there are so many loose strings that still need to be taken care of for the wedding and we are behind what would be the projected date for some of these things. Setting goals and writing it out to you is the best way to organize what needs to be done and best way to tackle it, so it can be accomplished.

I haven't heard from Matron in regard to the florist. Maybe we should investigate the Publix florist ourselves. We have to go to Citrus Park to pick up my shoes- we could stop over there prior to see if there is someone we could talk to , to get info on if they do wedding flowers and set up an appt if they do??? When do you want to go to Citrus Pk to get my shoes? You said we'd get them earlier in the week and the guy said he'd only hold them until Thursday which is tomorrow! Let me know what u want to do today-- as I would need to be ready to go to the mall by the time you get home if we are going to do that today and need some advance to organize myself etc!! Call me or write back to this!!

Again, I'm glad that you got tix to see the band u love more than anything in the world. I just hope they sound better than their last album as I wasn't very impressed and its a bit dated to their 90's sound!

Btw the band I'd really love to see is the Kills, as I like to see new bands from time to time that are up and coming and unique to the scene. Can you keep an eye out for any shows coming to the US or here and check on the sites you tend to look for tours on to see when or if they are coming here as Id like for us to get tix for them depending IF its at a decent venue of course. For more info and to see their artistic page, here's their website link:

http://www.thekills.tv/

Well,call me when you can, today. You could email me to give me an idea of when u might be able to call or recommend a time I can call, possibly around lunch time which I imagine should be very soon- let me know!

Love,
Me

HIS REPLY

Hi sweet pea,

I skimmed over your message and agree on pretty much everything you said. I'm a little stressed with all of the things that we need to do, but we definitely need to do whatever is possible by the end of the weekend. If I have time later this afternoon, I'll call the photographer and Stephanie about the Sandals thing.

I can't write much more now as things are a little hectic over here, but I wanted to tell you that I'll call when I leave for lunch (around 1pm). Talk to you soon...

Love,

Jimmy

MY REPLY

Hey sweetie, that's cool- I know you are busy and my email covers a lot that would stress anyone out. Thank you for your patient and graceful reply. I'm not trying to cause more stress or nag you about all these things but if someone doesn't say something they won't happen and at a certain point it will be too late, the wedding will fall apart or flop without structure and plans/goals accomplished. I just want it to go smoothly and it will only get more stressful if we don't confront what needs to be done now. Its true when they say avoiding things only makes it all the more worse. I just want things to be without too much complication and stress and although it may seem stressful, now, in the long run you will thank me as it will cause less pain/worry/anxiety/stress for our actual wedding day and honeymoon week. You will want that. I'll talk to you around one pm, don't forget to call!!

Love you, Me