july 4th is one of my least fave holidays. i absolutely hate fireworks and remember as a child how they scared me, how they were too loud and how worried i might get burned or killed by the fireworks. i remember being scared of everything and loud things like this for as long as i can remember.
to this day, i dislike fireworks especially the loud 4th of july kind. thank god i saw none this year but last yr my fiance and i were at his best friends home and they [his best friend and the wife] took us to a firework show across the street at a park. i absolutely hated it and i could tell they thought it was weird that i didn't like it and my fiance didnt get it either. it seemed everytime one went off, i'd shrink ..backing up further and further away until i was several feet away from where everyone i was with was at. i couldn't wait to get out of there and when we did, i was never so relieved. i felt panic.
hearing fireworks is like hearing gun fire to me. it makes me jump. it scares me. it makes my heart race, panic ensues. i don't feel safe and i want to get out of there. i often wonder how so many young children can be so in awe and have so much fun at events like this. it is beyond me. but i guess doing adventurous fun things that most normal children and adults love is not for me. i know it is due to abuse i've been thru and a rough past. in many ways, i often feel and react skittish like a scared tiny kitten when intimidated or confronted by loud, abrupt unpredictable things.
i am definitely one of those people who hates rollercoasters and does not understand the thrill or enjoyment that people say they get out of that kind of contraption [my fiance included in this who loves rollercoasters and does not get or understand why i don't.]
one reason why i hate roller coasters or scary rides is that i was forced on scary rides by my father [tilt o whirl] and uncle [roller coaster that went high in the sky, back n forth and upside down] as a young child and tricked into it and then terrified and then angered that i had been tricked and to this day people pressuring me into anything that unsettles me or causes discomfort, causes me to blow up, get extremely pissed off, and pushes me further away from doing what they want. i don't like to feel controlled, pressured or pushed into anything.
as a child i felt i had absolutely no control over my situation/choices/ and environment and now as an adult i can be rigid and stubborn on some counts due to the fact that i never want to be in that vulnerable place where i am forced, talked into something i regret, or pushed beyond my comfort zone to do things that cause me distress.
i can be a bitch when pushed because i refuse to tolerate being controlled by anyone or talked into anything i disagree with or causes me discomfort. i know what i like and what i don't. i know what i need and what i don't and most of all i know what i want and what i don't want. i am not an indecisive person. things have to be on my terms otherwise i feel controlled and cornered like i was as a child.
i never forgot the two above experiences and when i tried to go on one roller coaster in junior high/middle school on a school field trip in catholic school- space mountain on disney- i nearly thought i would die. the horror and terror and anxiety/panic/fear i felt was overwhelming. ever since, ive never been able to handle any intense roller coaster or scary adrenaline inducing rides.
at this point in my life, i've had enough roller coaster rides of emotion to last a lifetime and don't need any other simulated ways of being on a "rollercoaster" i don't find it fun, thrilling, or exciting like others. i find it overwhelmingly distressing and feel its akin to torture for me. i simply cannot understand how anyone can enjoy such a feeling of tension and fear. i avoid feelings like those at all costs and would never pay for such torture LOL
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