reassessing the home-hunting situation.

The agent we have - i am not too happy with whom i feel is manipulative and does not do her job and has wasted most of her time these past mos by showing us homes that were out of our range but since she didn't do the figures, because its her job and we are not experts, we didn't know until jimmy filed actual paperwork and invested time and emotion into these homes.

Everything we've bid on has fallen through because of our real estate agent's shoddy work. jimmy refuses to see this since she is a family friend but i'm wise to it all and am close to my end of rope especially now that she and the loan guy are pressuring him to settle on any house [and some of them are real dumps, fixer-uppers] by august first because his time is almost up. i told him he does not have to settle but he ignores me!

At the end of my entry or towards the end, I will share something Jimmy wrote me the week prior in regard to homes we had seen a few wks ago and he had bid on. It sparked a series of serious talk and deliberation b/t us and actually led Jimmy to finally wake up and reassess the way in which he has allowed the pressure of real estate agent Y. + loan guy Rick to effect him in his decision making, making his actions hasty, desperate and bound to cause us regret because in effort to find a house quickly and being told the deadline is August/September of this year and that the FHA loans are a limited time offer and will not be available by December has caused Jimmy to go off the deep end, thinking he must purchase right away even if he is not thrilled with the home or what he envisioned.

I would rather not be dependent on FHA if there is a limited amount of time to buy a home and there is such a short deadline. I feel you are bound to make a mistake when your time is not your own. How can anyone think clearly or make a focused decision? I think it is too much.

I think I finally got him to realize that out of his desperation to find a home before this deadline expired, that he was playing with fire and our future and he was bound to regret his decision and choice in a first home. I felt he was heading towards a direction that would lead him to settle.

I feel buying our first home is a life decision and it is serious. It is not something to be made on a deadline and it is a commitment that you want to be sure of before you make it. Because this is NOT like when you buy a new outfit and you have 30 days to decide if you don't like it or if there is some flaw in the item.

If you are unsatisfied with your purchase, you cannot return it and it is not like an apartment that you rent. You cannot just walk away from it, you are stuck for several years with whatever decision you make and then have the headache of trying to sell it and make enough money to get a better home. Those are all things Jimmy fears and in his rush to get his first home because of the pressure of these sale people and his own inner insecurities of how he defines being a man as well as his mother's constant nagging that he should have a home now and why has not found one yet?...I believe with all of this eating him alive, he is going to end up fulfilling his worst fears- self fulfilling prophecy they call it. Truth is the more fixated you are on something, the more often you end up doing that which you fear or avoid.

Recently, I had mentioned to Jimmy that I felt that his mother's nagging made him feel pressured to buy a home and that his motivations were to impress/please her and I felt that it really was not her life, it is his life, my life + our life and she is not living it and his decisions ought to be based on what him and I want as a couple not based on what he fears his mother will think and what he thinks she expects of him. I find this all very negative and it somehow disturbs/bothers me. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I feel there is nothing wrong with you if you are not able to afford a home and that having a home or a first home is not at the top of my priority list NOR does it define my worth as a person or human being in this world NOR is my successfulness dependent upon owning a home.

I feel Jimmy's self worth and perception of success in himself is based on getting this first home and it has been pounded into his head by none other than his parents and I just feel their pressure and high expectations are going to cause him to cave and fall apart one of these days because its too much and it is unrealistic and unfair.

It is not the end of the world if you cannot buy a home and it does not mean it will be impossible to ever buy a home if you don't buy it by the end of the year. But Jimmy - I think- believes otherwise and is consumed with this.

I feel if you can't afford a home- it isn't indicative of who you are as a person or if you are good enough in this world. If you can't afford it, then you find contentment in what is the now and show gratitiude with what you actually do have. I feel like I was raised as struggling poor middle class so when I did get things, really nice things I had more appreciation, gratitude and respect for what I owned and cherished those things. Jimmy had a priviledged upbringing and came what I view as a higher middle class family than I. We did not have nice furniture in our home - we were poor. I just feel he has been spoiled so he expects more of others and himself where as I have a vastly different view.

I am happy with what I get or what is given to me, because growing up I didn't live in a fancy home or get whatever I wanted. I doubt he has a clue what its like to do without little or be without. You have more appreciation when you are born with nothing and have nothing. The positive I got out of growing up that way is I am able to be happy with what I have and I don't allow myself to take anything for granted. I do not have high expectations to have something beyond my reach and am not superficial. It sucks sometimes coming from such different backgrounds because we tend to clash and he does not always understand where I am coming from.

But I see and understand both sides clear as day. I understand his side and why he thinks as he does, even if I don't agree with it. I understand it all and him more than he even understands himself. It is unfortunate that he cannot see things the way I can - from both sides and put himself in others shoes, put things into perspective just like I am able to. It would make everything so much easier in our relationship but he is incapable of seeing beyond his own point of view and his own set of circumstances (the way he was raised).

Jimmy does not know how to be content with the now even if it doesn't fit his vision of where he should be at now and I find that to be a very negative and counterproductive attitude to take in life. At times it very much aggravates me because it brings me down.

He's too busy looking around what his family and friends have and basing his worth on what he lacks by comparing himself to them. Since all of them own homes, I think deep down he feels like he has failed as a person, a man, that he feels he is not successful enough in life, that he puts himself down. I feel that he is driven by what others think of him and that makes me sad. I doubt his friends judge him but I do feel his parents nagging and little jabs are the reason for his insecurity and flawed self perceptions of himself. I have tried to make him realize this but it's a touchy subject and no one wants to hear anyone especially their fiancee critique their parents I suppose.

Finding our first home has been extremely stressful and I am a difficult, bitchy customer because I have high expectations and don't believe in investing in something that isn't worthy and will not settle.

A home is an investment and if we can't see ourselves there down the road ten yrs plus..I do not, we should not make that committment or investment. It's a huge decision that you can't just correct if you make the wrong choice. You are stuck.

There are many things to consider- it is more than layout, size, architecture, the yard, amenities, neighborhood, safety, what community has to offer, is there a pool, how high are taxes/HOA and other fees like cdc as prospective firstime home buyers. You do not want to make a decision you'll regret.

There isn't a lot to offer in our price range and most are fixer uppers, flawed. We have to be able to envision a future there, possibly family before jumping into it. And in all honesty, right now the economy is bad. We had a talk yesterday and we are going to be more picky and not rush to just pick anything no matter what this pushy agent says.

We got a million pix of potentials + have bidded on 3 but at this point, not sure what we want to do or if we want to go forward. None of these homes are spectacular and every one we absolutely loved has fallen thru or been yanked back from us due to the agent and loan guy misleading us- saying it was in our range and then taking it back and saying it is way out of our league and to forget it. This has happened with between five and seven homes we absolutely loved and had invested the last 3 months intensively searching for hours with our agent.

It is highly frustrating when you go thru all that pain of looking [cos it isn't fun for hours] and then find out all that hard work and excitement for finding "the one" is cancelled out because you were told that these particular homes were in your range and taken there as if you could afford or buy it. Very discouraging. Maybe we just need a break to think about what to do next!

In the following entry, I will explain in a series what happened with our real estate agent yvette last week and share some photos of the ones we saw and considered as well as explain the decision we came to this past weekend on taking a step back with house hunting, taking a break, and regrouping so we can make a more focused, clear-headed, rational decision.

[more to follow]