i watched this entire trial on court tv now called "truTV" they changed their name - during the past two weeks i was very ill with asthma and unable to do much else.
it was one of the most riveting, intriguing, and shocking of murder case trials i have ever seen and i have watched a few choice ones in the past year - some lasting several months- example: phil spector and that fertility nurse melanie or melody- what was her name? the one whose gambling husband was found body parts divided in luggage off the east coast - anyway it was a high profile case.
but the one i just finished watching and was a relatively short and suspenseful- if NOT- unusual trial was the murder trial of neil entwistle's which had evidence and proof that he did so many things that pointed towards guilt that he definitely seemed guilty of what he was charged with and very bizarre, off- something not right about him. He seemed very cold, without emotion or remorse,and narcissistic/ self absorbed in court although he did not speak at ALL in the trial or in any interviews. he was silent and did not testify on the stand.
simply it was neil entwistle's quiet glaring and rolling or rather blinking of eyes in utter annoyance that made him seem highly self involved and completely heartless, lacking a conscience and in turn- completely guilty.
the defense [neil's attorney weinstein and stephanie page] made a plea of innocence [which i do not believe at all] and professed the murder was a suicide and that the wife had killed their baby before killing herself. i really don't think so. i would think that is more likely to happen [killing of infant and then self] with a man than a woman. i just could not imagine it and the jury could not either and all voted - guilty, murder in the first degree on two counts.
for those that don't know or haven't heard of this case: simply- neil entwistle who was from england was living with his wife rachel [who was american and had met him in england.] they had moved back by her family in Massachusetts after their baby lillian [often called lily for short] was born.
a week after living in their newly rented home which was over 2 thous. a month, one day out of the blue, rachel and their child who was 9 months old and a baby were found dead, shot to death in bed. a bullet thru the baby's stomach which directly entered rachel's breast and a bullet to rachel's head.
neil entwistle later claimed to find the body, cover them up and not know what to do, so he fled the home, drove around, went to the airport, and flew back to england essentially running away. [it was days before concerned family of rachel's sent over police officers to search for her when she was not heard from - they later found the bodies- the police after searching the home twice i think, and not seeing the bodies which were under covers the first time. it was not realized right away that her husband neil entwistle had fled or where he was at that time.
it looked very guilty that neil had fled to the UK and not reported the dead bodies let alone called 911 because he claimed "he didn't know what to do" and couldnt deal with it. he later was extradited and brought back to the US, charged with the murders and expected to stand trial. the murder occurred in january of 2006 and he had been in jail since arrested and charged up until this trial aired on court/tru-TV- channel 55 on cable.
all evidence in the case pointed to neil's strange detachment to his wife and child and to his guilt. not to mention there was evidence he was searching on the computer while the dead bodies were there for jobs, flights home and escort/call girl services.
well, he got what he deserved in the trial and it was a tragic and chilling/haunting case that really is incomprehensible. he got life for both and will be stuck in prison in MA now and is unable to go back to england.
here is a copy of the cnn story on this the nite the guilty verdict was handed down which i had sent to my email.
i like court case esp murder trials and convictions. part of it is distraction from one self but also fascination with human behavior, analyzation. and then again, its also that i enjoy seeing victims and family receive the sort of justice they rightly deserve.
Click here: Entwistle guilty of murdering wife, baby - CNN.com
Entwistle guilty of murdering wife, baby
Story Highlights
NEW: Family maintains his innocence; attorney plans appeal
Entwistle convicted on two charges of first-degree murder
Defense said wife killed herself and husband covered up to "protect her honor"
Prosecutors argued that Entwistle killed family because of sex life, debts
Next Article in Crime »
(CNN) -- A man who fled the United States for his native England after his wife and daughter were killed was found guilty of their murders Wednesday.
Neil Entwistle, 29, repeatedly closed his eyes and shook his head as the foreman read the verdict: guilty of two first-degree murder charges, possession of a firearm and possession of ammunition.
The jury in Woburn, Massachusetts, deliberated for less than 12 hours before reaching the verdict.
Entwistle faces up to life in prison without the possibility of parole when he is sentenced at 10 a.m. Thursday. Watch Entwistle react as the verdict is read »
During the trial, prosecutors said Entwistle was in debt and dissatisfied with his sex life when he fatally shot Rachel Entwistle and 9-month old Lillian as the two snuggled in bed.
"We may never know why this happened. But we do know that Rachel and Lillian Rose loved and trusted Neil Entwistle," Joseph Flaherty, a spokesman for Rachel Entwistle's family, said after the verdict.
"Neil Entwistle's actions on January 20, 2006, betrayed that love and trust. Neil Entwistle will now live with his evil deeds for the rest of his natural life, only to be judged again," the family said. Watch the victims' family thank the public for its support »
With the verdict, the jury rejected a defense claim that Rachel Entwistle killed Lillian and then committed suicide. Entwistle claimed that he returned the gun to his father-in-law's home 50 miles away because he wanted to preserve his wife's honor.
Outside the courthouse, Entwistle's parents continued to assert their son's innocence.
"Our son will now go to jail for loving, honoring and protecting his wife and Lillian," Yvonne Entwistle said, adding that she knew her daughter-in-law was "depressed." Watch Entwistle's mother assert he is innocent »
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In Depth: Trials on demand
Cop: Entwistle joined online swingers club
Expert: Man Googled 'how to kill'
Find Law: Read the criminal complaint
"We will continue to fight for our innocent son with the hope that one day, justice will prevail and that our little granddaughter Lily will rest in peace," she said.
After the verdict, defense lawyer Peter Park said he was confident that an appeal would prevail on the grounds that police entered Entwistle's home illegally on two occasions.
Defense lawyers did not call any witnesses.
Police in Hopkinton, Massachusetts, discovered the bodies of Rachel, 27, and Lillian in the master bedroom of their home January 22, 2006, after responding to a missing persons report filed by the victims' relatives. Authorities said the two were killed two days before. See a timeline of the Entwistle case »
Entwistle told police in a phone call January 23 that he found his wife and daughter dead from gunshot wounds January 20 after returning from running errands. He told authorities he could see "a gunshot wound on Lillian's body and blood around her mouth."
He did not call police. Instead, he said, he got a knife to kill himself but "could not go through with it."
He said he then drove to his in-laws' home to get a gun to kill himself but could not get into the home. He also told police he was unable to contact his mother-in-law, he told police. See Entwistle break down in court during testimony »
Eventually, he said, he drove to Boston's Logan International Airport because he "wanted to go home to his parents in England." British police arrested him the following month.
Prosecutors doubted Entwistle's story. He had not worked for four months before the murders, and the family was paying $2,700 a month for their home, leading police to believe that financial problems may have played a role in the slayings.
Authorities discovered that, days before the murders, Entwistle looked at a Web site that described "how to kill people by various methods" and launched Internet searches on suicide, euthanasia and "how to kill someone with a knife," the documents said.
He also searched for escort services near his home, according to search warrants, including Eye Candy Entertainment, Exotic Express and Sweet Temptations.
Prosecutors said that the victims' gunshot wounds were not easily visible and that he would not have been able to see them without careful examination.
Court documents show that it took investigators and forensic chemists several hours to determine that the baby had been shot and that her gunshot wound was visible only after her mother's body had been moved.
After the verdict, Middlesex County District Attorney Gerry Leone condemned the defendant for "disparaging" the memory of his wife with the suicide claims. He said the verdict brought justice to Rachel and Lillian, who would have turned 3 years old this April.
"She should be here walking, talking and playing, with her mom, Rachel, doting over her," Leone said. "But we all now know that's not going to happen, and that's not going to happen because of the reprehensible acts of Neil Entwistle."
Asked about Entwistle's parents' comments, Leone said he would expect "nothing less" from the parents of a man who had been convicted of murder.
"Frankly, our thoughts are with them too," he said.
+++
Monday, June 30, 2008
catching up + the possibility of siesta key?!
i do have more to share, latest inspiring films, upcoming wedding stuff, seeing my family yesterday and upcoming 4th of july with jimmy's family this coming weekend and researching beaches out of area for jimmy's july break.
he gets another week of vacation in mid july and we may got to either siesta key in sarasota or caladesi island- both voted to be most beauitufl beaches with white sand and clean, good quality water in ocean by websites this year- we would stay for one or two nites at a hotel on beach.
we are leaning more towards siesta key only because caladesi island would be better as a day trip, not overnite trip as its a lot of walking involved and u must take a ferry to even get on the beach or island which only runs hourly and the beach also has certain public hrs open and there are no hotels in walking distance so caladesi is not as convenient as a beach where you can park your car on it or stay in a hotel in walking distance and so on. there are more restrictions.
whatever we decide, i'm sure that it will be good for us as we've never done anything like this in our relationship. it should be romantic and an experience to bring us closer as a couple. i know he is doing this because i had been asking for a romantic beach trip locally for the past year now.
i think he was reaching out when he said if i went with him to his family for the 4th of july holiday that he would take me to one of these beaches [which is not where we live exactly but not impossible to drive to from where we live and also are places weve never been to before and where no one knows us and would offer us a nice romantic time] so, when he offered this to me via email and made effort to search for places on these beaches with me last week - i felt he was making the effort to do something that he knows would make me very happy and show that he does love me. i think he is trying. i think we both are.
BTW, my matron of honor wrote me this email and a series of others this day- before she left for barbados around july 16th. she will return on july third but here was what she had written me that day.
we began discussing decor ideas for the wedding possibly asian / oriental influenced style but still uncertain and want to iron out the color combinations and such first.
we discussed extensively some ideas via email which is not included here but i will share here another day, another entry as a separate topic as its more involved and i dont want to get carried away.
anyway this is what she wrote to me:
Hey, lady. I am sorry I haven’t emailed you. I have been trying so hard to get everything ready for the trip. Finish up all my work stuff, train my “fill in”, clean the house, pack. Traveling can be stressful. I know it will be worth it when we get there. But, the set up is crazy.
Wow, Robert Smith still has some hair, huh? When I get back I definitely was thinking we could get together and try dresses on. I would love to get your opinion.
The wedding date is Nov 28th, right? I think my hairdresser is closed that day. L Is it at night?I didn’t put it on my work calendar, and I want to make sure Duncan is all prepped. And, now I guess, that I can find a hairdresser.
So, anyway, I know I suck. Don’t hate me for not contacting you. I keep meaning to, but you know how things get crazy and they can get away from you.
BTW, cute swimsuits. I just bought a suit at Target, basic black and I bought one of those little skirts you can swim in. Until I get lypo (only on the outer thigh are that you can’t really work out), I think I will have to wear the little skirt. Well I have to go now. Again, I am so sorry this has to be so quick.Hugs!!!!!!! - Jenni
he gets another week of vacation in mid july and we may got to either siesta key in sarasota or caladesi island- both voted to be most beauitufl beaches with white sand and clean, good quality water in ocean by websites this year- we would stay for one or two nites at a hotel on beach.
we are leaning more towards siesta key only because caladesi island would be better as a day trip, not overnite trip as its a lot of walking involved and u must take a ferry to even get on the beach or island which only runs hourly and the beach also has certain public hrs open and there are no hotels in walking distance so caladesi is not as convenient as a beach where you can park your car on it or stay in a hotel in walking distance and so on. there are more restrictions.
whatever we decide, i'm sure that it will be good for us as we've never done anything like this in our relationship. it should be romantic and an experience to bring us closer as a couple. i know he is doing this because i had been asking for a romantic beach trip locally for the past year now.
i think he was reaching out when he said if i went with him to his family for the 4th of july holiday that he would take me to one of these beaches [which is not where we live exactly but not impossible to drive to from where we live and also are places weve never been to before and where no one knows us and would offer us a nice romantic time] so, when he offered this to me via email and made effort to search for places on these beaches with me last week - i felt he was making the effort to do something that he knows would make me very happy and show that he does love me. i think he is trying. i think we both are.
BTW, my matron of honor wrote me this email and a series of others this day- before she left for barbados around july 16th. she will return on july third but here was what she had written me that day.
we began discussing decor ideas for the wedding possibly asian / oriental influenced style but still uncertain and want to iron out the color combinations and such first.
we discussed extensively some ideas via email which is not included here but i will share here another day, another entry as a separate topic as its more involved and i dont want to get carried away.
anyway this is what she wrote to me:
Hey, lady. I am sorry I haven’t emailed you. I have been trying so hard to get everything ready for the trip. Finish up all my work stuff, train my “fill in”, clean the house, pack. Traveling can be stressful. I know it will be worth it when we get there. But, the set up is crazy.
Wow, Robert Smith still has some hair, huh? When I get back I definitely was thinking we could get together and try dresses on. I would love to get your opinion.
The wedding date is Nov 28th, right? I think my hairdresser is closed that day. L Is it at night?I didn’t put it on my work calendar, and I want to make sure Duncan is all prepped. And, now I guess, that I can find a hairdresser.
So, anyway, I know I suck. Don’t hate me for not contacting you. I keep meaning to, but you know how things get crazy and they can get away from you.
BTW, cute swimsuits. I just bought a suit at Target, basic black and I bought one of those little skirts you can swim in. Until I get lypo (only on the outer thigh are that you can’t really work out), I think I will have to wear the little skirt. Well I have to go now. Again, I am so sorry this has to be so quick.Hugs!!!!!!! - Jenni
a bit better.
i am starting to feel a bit better. not one hundred percent back to normal yet, but recovering. i feel about 75 percent better today than i have these past few wks. i am on medication. and i have three appts with this new dr/health clinic in the next two mos because this place is sort of welfare oriented, that means you have to have a million appts to take care of one issue. i have separate appts for: follow up, chest xray and blood/lab work. i think it is fucking ridiculous and nearly lost it. as in stressed and fucking pissed off. it shouldn't be this hard. but that is how the system sucks when you are on disability and also the place is not in the best area, surrounding areas rough/ghetto and unfamiliar to me. its not near either and i do not drive or have a car . jimmy cannot take me to every appt. i am anxious going somewhere i dont know well and is rough in areas. he doesnt get it and has a problem with giving sympathy or seeing thru my point of view so it caused some extensive arguments. do not feel like going into it right now although we've had some good talks about what i need in this relationship in terms of empathy, kindness and care when i am sick or do not feel well or feel strongly about something but even though that went over well which i will share another day when my energy/health has fully recovered- he is very slow to learn, understand and change his attitude/actions/behavior.
For now, here is an example of a lengthy email I wrote him to express myself and resolve problems in our relationship that needed attention. I wrote this last week on 6/23- b/t sickness/asthma and problems like this with Jimmy - I have had my hands full, been up to my eyes in stress/distress. It was a pretty terrible time that I pushed for us to work thru together and for most of my time being sick, he wasn't all that emotionally supportive or nurturing- and that was extremely disconcerting to me. I dont think he was raised that way and feel like after talking to him after he read my letter that it was quite apparent most of his attitude comes from how his parents treated him. I hit the nail on the head and I was only guessng. he was raised with very high expectations and with the mentality esp since he is male, that sickness is weakness and emotion is weakness. therefore toughing it out, ignoring, pretending, hiding feelings is seen as strong. showing feelings or weakness/sickness is seen as being weak/inferior and plainly thinks tougher is better, and that sympathy or empathy is not to be garnered no matter how bad you feel. I strongly disagree as I express to him in my letter and it in fact makes me angry. I think hiding and denying feelings are a sign of weakness. I believe showing and talking about feelings, that is the ultimate sign of strength. I get very frustrated at his ways of thinking, feeling, skewed beliefs but I will just leave it at that. I don't want to tear him down in my diary or have people misunderstand Jimmy or dislike him. I just think sometimes he really doesn't understand and I just don't get it. It upsets me and I have to vent when it does. That's why this one will be no notes. I don't need any advice, because I know what to do and I take action where there are issues and trouble in my relationship before I ever share it on this site. But, I am just recounting what has happened to document what has been happening in my life, what I encounter, and how we are working to solve, fix, remedy that. I share with everyone what is going on to fill in the blanks from time to time and because I am honest and truthful.
This is what I wrote him:
6.23.08
I haven't slept since you left. I only slept a few hrs and couldnt stay in the room cos of that strong scent of deodorant in the room or whatever it was. It bothered my asthma. So I just transfered to the couch but never got around to sleeping.
I am going to lay down now but wanted to just drop you a line and let you know I did all the dishes for you except those few dishes I asked if you could do last week but you didn't. I don't really feel well in terms of breathing but I know you have a busy and stressful week ahead with Michelle gone and I know things have been stressful because of my asthma and wedding planning and everything else that is going on in our lives so I did most of the dishes for you, to relieve some of the stress.
I am sorry Ive been so edgy and angry lately but I truly feel like I am physically suffering and am really struggling with the asthma- its not only that I feel rotten physically but its got me very depressed and at times frustrated so much. I want to sob and cry but it hurts to breathe and I dont have the energy so its like I can barely cry and I feel completely blocked. Not being able to cry is extremely distressing to me because it is the only way I can release tension and when I cannot, I feel even more tense and upset / anxious inside. I have cried on and off all week but there have been times where I just wanted to start sobbing but my chest hurt so badly, I couldn't even physically cry and it was painful to not be able to. That happened yesterday afternoon.
I just want to get better but its so slow and I have continuous hours and hours where I just feel like I am struggling to do anything because I feel so bad physically. Last nite I could barely sleep because after taking a few throat drops for my asthma, my teeth began to hurt really bad to the point I had to numb it with anbesol at 5am - and it was half my mouth, top and bottom that were hurting- intense pain. Maybe that is where the cavity is. I'm going to have to fix that one day but will have to wait til next month I guess cos I just dont feel well enough right now to undergo that sort of unpleasantness. I think eventually the asthma will get better but its going to be slow and its going to take time, at least a week - maybe two wks for the medicine to get fully in my system and work.
All I ask is for your attempt to understand and empathize with me with this situation UNTIL i can fully heal from this and most of all I need your patience and kindness towards me when I really feel extremely bad most of the day and nite. I'm not using this as a way to cause drama or get attention from you.
I really DO feel bad and would never make this up. I want you to believe me and know / trust that I am not making it up or even exaggerating in the least when I say how I feel. Maybe the dr appt will elicit something positive, maybe they will give me something for the breathing or that machine with medicine to help me recover faster. I don't know but I have to hope that that dr visit will make things better for my health.
People with asthma are very emotional people in the first place which is often a link or correlation so when I get upset the asthma does get worse. I'm not asking you to kiss up to me and spoil me, I'm just asking for you to make the effort to not say things or bring up topics that you know might upset me or cause an argument UNTIL I am better. Like making decisions about most BIG things right now [like big life decisions particularly choosing homes to look at and such] is the last thing I have the physical or emotional energy for, its highly stressful and everything that requires deep thought and time, for me, requires a lot of concentration which equals a lot of breathing and it hurts to breathe. I just want you to understand that fact.
You may not have asthma and never understand what its like but it doesnt hurt to go out of your way to attempt to understand and garner some sympathy/empathy when you see someone you love is suffering.
Mostly it hurts me when what I feel is not validated. I want my feelings to be taken seriously, respected and heard. To me, that means showing nurturance and extra kindness the way anyone does or should when taking care of someone who is sick - whether it be a flu or any kind of illness. That is the way loving couples treat one another and it is the way you show love to someone in your relationship and most esp in your future marriage.
Maybe you are accustomed to toughing it "out" when you are sick and don't like sympathy or care from other people around you or your significant other or maybe you have never gotten it. But that is very vital to a healthy and emotionally thriving relationship particularly a long lasting marriage. So anyway, I think sometimes there is a disconnect between you and I as my definition of nurturance is nowhere near yours or what I think nurturance is the definition of in any book on healthy relationships. And possibly it is that you aren't accustomed to being nurtured or werent in the past, but I am accustomed to be treated with nurturance and emotional sensitivity and care in a relationship and I am nowhere near that kind of mentality of toughing anyone out or "appearing strong" by not being weak or needing attention/care/love. I need it, its part of being human and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is normal. Maybe you were raised that emotional nurturance/warmth/care was not used for those sick or not feeling well, but I don't flourish in that sort of environment that lacks nurturance, I die emotionally - I wither. I suffer from emotional deprivation, it kills a relationship for me.
Toughing it out breaks me down and makes me weaker. It does not strengthen me and it makes me very resentful/bitter when those sort of "mentality ideas" are forced upon me just because that is your own self-belief and way of doing things. It is not my self-belief nor my way of handling things and treating me like a child and telling me to be more self reliant when I am sick, is not nurturing, its acting like a mean parent and its cold/rigid and will push me away if you act that way everytime I am not well. It does come across as very harsh, unfeeling and like someone who thinks its wrong to show they are in pain or weak or sick. I don't believe it is wrong and I don't want to be treated like it is wrong to show I am in pain and I need care from the one I love. It is not weakness, it is normal human need that everyone feels whether they admit it or not.
So please understand, the above, toughing out sickness and putting on a brave face /hiding how I feel to make you happy and less stressed- that doesn't work for me and I find that very unhealthy. You should never hide how you feel from your lover or have to pretend to feel or be something you aren't. And, I don't mean this to sound hostile towards you, but I want to be heard and understood that I am not you and am my own person and what works for you does not work for me. I want you to learn to accept me for who I am and understand what I need from you.
Please understand that I am not saying I do not want to better myself but in some situations such as being in the midst of an asthma attack, its very improper and feels extremely cold and unnurturing when you to get angry/stressed at me for me asking you for help with doctors and such. Telling me you are trying to get me to help myself when I am struggling with something as serious and fatal as asthma is very misplaced and not appropriate due to the nature of asthma.
I understand you want me to learn to help myself and become more self reliant but you need to learn to discriminate when you should ask and expect that of me and what situation that pertains to. Logically, anyone who understands asthma fully, would never ask that of anyone they love. When you love someone and you see they are in bad shape, you don't ignore what is right in front of you- you pay attention and you do whatever it takes to nurse that person back to health, to aid in their healing and make things easier for the person who is obviously weaker than you at that moment.
It is the wrong place, wrong time to use that train of thought when I am struggling so much, not just physically but emotionally too and it is counterproductive to ask a sick person to do the things I was asking of you and did not help me get better, in fact it actually has prolonged my asthma and worsened the condition I am in, in the long run. Because without arguing and making such a major issue/argument over helping me, I would have gotten better faster. Less stress= healing and recovering from asthma. Arguing and not helping= me getting sicker and staying sick longer.
I do not rebound well if I don't feel emotional support and nurturance. Without it, I am not resilient, I become the opposite of resilient. I do not thrive. I cannot cope.
You have to stop comparing me to yourself because we aren't one and the same person, we have not had the same life experiences, we were raised completely differently and how I react, cope or deal with things is much different than you due to what I have been thru in my lifetime and it isn't going to ever change because I am April and there is only one of me. So please learn to accept me and love me for who I am.
When you tell me how you see things and how you would do this and this and this so differently, it doesn't come off as being warm or helpful, it comes off as being critical/stiff and close minded and most of all it hurts me which triggers anger inside and then I blow up because I can't handle being judged/criticized.
People who accept and love their partner for who they are don't say things like that or make you feel bad with the way you view, cope or handle things or tell you that their way is the "only right way".
If you truly understood me and accepted me, you would never even tell me how I should cope or react or how you would be if you were me. To me that is an indication that you don't accept that I have a different view than you, different way of handling things, different way of reacting and coping with life and things that are hard and it also indicates that you don't really understand where I am coming from and you don't want to try to. I need you to try to understand me, even if you don't. I need to see you attempt to step outside of your view of things so you can see past your limitation/restriction of what you believe is true for you but honestly is not going to be true for every person in this world because we are all different. Some people will relate to you and some will relate to me but it is a fact that not everyone thinks or believes the same as you and that doesn't make other peoples viewpoints wrong.
When you love someone, you try to see through their eyes and you do make an attempt to "try" to put yourself in that persons shoes realizing that we are different people and deal with emotional/sickness quite differently. You do it because you love your significant other and because part of love means being unselfish, and giving. Sometimes giving means letting go of whatever you believe or think right then and listening / attempting to validate and understand that maybe we see things differently but you hold back those thoughts and attempt to give me the words that I need, emotionally, in an attempt to show that you are validating who I am, and attempting to understand who I am enough to accept that this "difference in thought" is a part of me and you will love me enough to accept this part of my nature.
I am not trying to complain or even make you feel like I don't appreciate you or what you do do for me in our life together because whether you believe it or not- I think about how grateful I am to have you everyday of my life and I do thank god every day for you- I swear. So please don't take this as I am trying to tear you down or devalue you. I know you often say I do not give you enough credit and I keep telling you that I do because I do in my mind and I go out of my way to show my appeciation towards you each and everytime you do anything for me. I made a vow to myself a long time ago that when I found someone to love again, which was you, that I would never take that person for granted and I would always thank them for everything, whether its taking me to a dr, calling for me, making dinner, having sex, I always go out of my way to acknowledge all that you do as its happening but just because I write about problem areas that I want addressed from time to time doesn't mean that I dont appreciate what you do for me. I think sometimes you misunderstand my real message and intention behind any email I write deeply about our relationship like this. It is because no time is made to talk when the issues are happening and you shy away from resolving or addressing anything conflicting. It gets to a point where I cannot keep letting the same conflict reocurr over and over and I simply say something via email only when I feel it is of vital importance to my wellbeing in the relationship and for the sake and health of our relationship in the long run. I don't take the time to write about things that are not a big deal to me. and that I keep seeing reoccur in a variety of fights that involve understanding me, respecting how I feel, validating my feelings which in conclusion signals that there is listening occuring from your side and communication thriving between us. If the same argument keeps coming up, that tells me there is a problem with communication and just simply listening to how I feel and providing validation.
In short, if you would take the time to understand where I am coming from and listen to how I feel, make an effort to accept certain things, many arguments and fights could be avoided and there would be less stress and tension between us. I just want things to be better because I love you and because I want both of us to be less stressed and more focused on being content with one another.
I know I have my own areas to work on but I am always trying and if only one person is trying and isn't addressing the things that cause tension [because it takes two. it isn't a one way street], then things don't get better.
Anyway, I am sorry Ive been moody lately but until I feel better, its going to be rough for me because I don't deal with suffering well at all and I find it extremely hard to cope. All I am asking for is to put it in simple words, some kindness and care - extra effort to physically and vocally show concern and love, while I am sick [and in the future if I should ever become sick again be it a simple flu or a serious health issue] and also to be given a little permission to allow me to show that I am in pain because I am and its how I cope with being sick or unwell, I have to vent to feel better and if I can't, I feel worse. I also believe nurturing someone who is sick that you truly validate and understand, involves less expectation for me to want to run around and do much [ie social events, house hunting etc. outside of necessity- food shopping and emergency places- i dont feel i can handle any outing. its even a struggle just to go to a fast food place or publix. when i go outside, the more i struggle to breathe. when i struggle to breathe, the more dizzy and lightheaded/weak unstable I feel physically. I want to build/rebuild my endurance on my own terms and what works best for my healing and to be supported in this because you want the best for me and you trust that I know what works best for me because you believe in me.
I truly feel this physical ailment is over my head and one of the worst experiences [these last two weeks] in my entire life of any physical illness I have ever endured. It has not only been torturous but also scary, and scarier even more when you feel like the person next to you doesn't validate how sick you are or show constant concern over your wellbeing, and ask how you are day to day showing they care about you and are supporting you emotionally and vocally. I appreciate someone showing care, concern worry over me far more than someone who doesn't let anyone see they worry and wants to appear as "strong" or put on a facade of strength. I don't see that as strong, at all. I see it as hiding and unhealthy, and take it as someone who is unwilling to be vulnerable and intimate out of their own self imposed fears with a need to be "tough" especially in a love relationship where there should be no walls or barriers when there is love involved.
What makes me heal and get better fast is emotional nurturance - support, kind words, attentiveness to me. This means validating I don't feel well and understanding that when you show care and concern towards me- I get better faster.
If someone is emotionally unavailable and not nurturing to me when I am unwell, I do not get better, I get worse because emotionally I internalize everything and it affects me physically so all I'm saying is if you make the effort, I will get better faster. If you don't make the effort and get frustrated at me or dont pay attention/acknowledge that I am sick by acting like I should be able to do normal things I did before I had the asthma attack- then my condition from past experience of any physical illness Ive had while lacking support/care- I do get worse and my condition will not improve and will be slow-moving. It actually makes me regress and it will take double or triple the time for me to get better.
It is not a threat and again I don't mean this in a hostile attacking kind of way- I mean this in "this is how I am. I know what makes me flourish and I know what makes me fall apart and descend downwards. and i am telling you what makes me tick and what is helpful to me and necessary." that is what i need. i don't feel like it is anything to ask at all. it is what you do for someone when you truly love them, because when someone you love is hurting you hurt back and people who love each other want to make the other person happy and if you see the other suffering, you should want to do what you can to ease that. that is what love is and that is how i treat someone i love and how i want to be treated. i believe that nurturance is a pure act of real love and real giving and i wholeheartedly believe in this all the way without any doubt in the world, i believe in this concept like more than one hundred percent. I do not mean to be redundant in all I write here and a lot of it is going to sound repetitive but if it does, it is only because I want to get my message across and it is such an important point I am trying to make for the benefit of our relationship, for the love of it and for our future wellbeing. Please listen and think about it. Talk to me later about this topic if you do not have time now but please do not avoid it or act like I didn't write this. If you don't reply to this, then I would like you to initiate discussion and mention you read this when I see you tonite and discuss thoughts/feelings as it took me two or three hours to write/revise this and I don't want my words to be wasted or pushed under the rug and ignored. Avoiding discussions doesn't create harmony, it creates imbalance and conflict, perpetual conflict and tension/stress and its not healthy.
We need to have more open communication about our relationship on a regular - at least weekly basis. If you dont make the effort then things pile up and build/build/build and it's not a positive affect, it has a negative effect on the relationship as a whole and it is something you have promised more than once to work on so please try to implement this into the basic relationship so I am not forced to write long emotional letters like this. I don't like doing it this way but feel I have no other choice, no other way, no other outlet. No choice.
I feel like sometimes you only hear me when I write in email form rather than talking it out. I just don't feel like it gets thru to you when I talk. I feel it works better [because of lack of communication] if I write first then we discuss it vocally after you've read and digested what I have written.
When I try to vocally express myself and show that I am emotionally upset at all, I get shut down most of the time by you. It is like you cannot handle any emotional upset or anyone feeling sad/upset/angry and just disconnect entirely from the person and situation which is very hurtful towards the already emotional person, me.
So, for some things, I feel expression thru writing is better and I can only do it while you are at work simply because I have privacy to write out my feelings and time to think, and because we live together, it doesnt make much sense to send it after you get home when you will be here. I prefer you to read it without me in front of you anyway. I feel its less pressure on you for me to not be in the same room and less pressure on me as its anxiety provoking and writing these things are not easy for me but are things I feel so strongly that I need to say otherwise it will ruin/ destroy me to keep it inside and to not be heard by you. Mostly I need to be really really heard.
Anyway, I hope you have a good day and want to make this a stress free week by tackling the things I view as conflictive at the start of the week and by the only way I really know how to do it with you- via email as when I talk, I feel I am not really understood therefore I am not heard at all.
I am sorry for my part in being moody and upset most of the past week and weekend and don't mean to intentionally cause you stress or any hurt, but please understand it is a reaction to how i am treated when sick and when I am feeling really bad. and on top of that I have major anxiety/mood swings because I am not on any psychiatric meds now. I am going to go thru withdrawal. I stopped taking the tranquilizer and it is going to show in how I interact/react and cope emotionally. Soon I will also have my period and this past week Ive had some premenstrual symptoms. All three of those things are enough to make anyone feel moody and stressed out and edgy. I dont mean to take it out on you and I'm sorry for when I have. Just please put into perspective the things I am going thru right now and understand why. I will try to be better but know that if I snap, its not on purpose or because I enjoy fighting or upsetting. I don't enjoy any of it but when I don't feel good, I have little tolerance for arguing, feeling unvalidated and what I most need from the person who loves me is for you to just step in, put your thoughts/opinions aside and just simply make me feel better, even if its just hugs and kisses and kind words with well wishes showing you care and you are concerned, even if you repetitively ask me how I am every day and tell me you want me to get better and hope for my healing etc. They are only words but they make all the difference to me in the world and sometimes are more healing than any sort of chemical medication. Words and love are healing and so is kindness and compassion and any amount is NEVER too much. In other words, it is helpful and beneficial to my healing and restoring of health and I can use all the compassion and love and affection right now that is possibly available. Those things make me feel better, nothing makes me feel better than that. I don't want tv or food or fancy desserts, I want you and your words of comfort, show of affection, care, kindness, watching over me, being instrumental in making me feel better.
I will let you go for now and please don't be angry or take offense to these things I have said. I am not trying to criticize you but rather am suggesting how you can help me best and telling you straight-out what I need in this relationship and is vital to my emotional health. Thank you for listening.
I don't know if I can sleep right now as I stayed up all morning and now its afternoon. I started writing this at 10:30am or so and just finished it now. But I am going to lay down for a bit. some books sold and I will send them your way if I think we have them. I havent opened the email yet as I want to get this sent to you so you read it before you leave. Thanks again for putting up with me lately. I'm sorry if my sickness has caused any strain on you and I don't mean to be a burden on you.
I love you,
April
+++
This is "no notes" as it involves personal problems in my relationship and I don't like notes that critique or tell me what I should or should not do. I do not mind validation and support but feel I am sound enough in my heart and mind to make my own decisions when it comes to my relationships and this is one relationship I believe I know what it takes to make it work and believe it is up to him and I to resolve things, not anyone else.
I've found it isn't always helpful to get advice. Sometimes that makes it worse. Like I said, support is always welcome and understanding/empathy, relating to one's struggles in relationships but I know what needs to be worked on and fixed and I'm not afraid to face it or tackle it with my fiance :)
I share here, just to share. But also largely to vent out frustrations- for myself!
(Next entry will be less serious + more relative to what is going on and upcoming events/ it will be a short catching up entry that is summarized)
For now, here is an example of a lengthy email I wrote him to express myself and resolve problems in our relationship that needed attention. I wrote this last week on 6/23- b/t sickness/asthma and problems like this with Jimmy - I have had my hands full, been up to my eyes in stress/distress. It was a pretty terrible time that I pushed for us to work thru together and for most of my time being sick, he wasn't all that emotionally supportive or nurturing- and that was extremely disconcerting to me. I dont think he was raised that way and feel like after talking to him after he read my letter that it was quite apparent most of his attitude comes from how his parents treated him. I hit the nail on the head and I was only guessng. he was raised with very high expectations and with the mentality esp since he is male, that sickness is weakness and emotion is weakness. therefore toughing it out, ignoring, pretending, hiding feelings is seen as strong. showing feelings or weakness/sickness is seen as being weak/inferior and plainly thinks tougher is better, and that sympathy or empathy is not to be garnered no matter how bad you feel. I strongly disagree as I express to him in my letter and it in fact makes me angry. I think hiding and denying feelings are a sign of weakness. I believe showing and talking about feelings, that is the ultimate sign of strength. I get very frustrated at his ways of thinking, feeling, skewed beliefs but I will just leave it at that. I don't want to tear him down in my diary or have people misunderstand Jimmy or dislike him. I just think sometimes he really doesn't understand and I just don't get it. It upsets me and I have to vent when it does. That's why this one will be no notes. I don't need any advice, because I know what to do and I take action where there are issues and trouble in my relationship before I ever share it on this site. But, I am just recounting what has happened to document what has been happening in my life, what I encounter, and how we are working to solve, fix, remedy that. I share with everyone what is going on to fill in the blanks from time to time and because I am honest and truthful.
This is what I wrote him:
6.23.08
I haven't slept since you left. I only slept a few hrs and couldnt stay in the room cos of that strong scent of deodorant in the room or whatever it was. It bothered my asthma. So I just transfered to the couch but never got around to sleeping.
I am going to lay down now but wanted to just drop you a line and let you know I did all the dishes for you except those few dishes I asked if you could do last week but you didn't. I don't really feel well in terms of breathing but I know you have a busy and stressful week ahead with Michelle gone and I know things have been stressful because of my asthma and wedding planning and everything else that is going on in our lives so I did most of the dishes for you, to relieve some of the stress.
I am sorry Ive been so edgy and angry lately but I truly feel like I am physically suffering and am really struggling with the asthma- its not only that I feel rotten physically but its got me very depressed and at times frustrated so much. I want to sob and cry but it hurts to breathe and I dont have the energy so its like I can barely cry and I feel completely blocked. Not being able to cry is extremely distressing to me because it is the only way I can release tension and when I cannot, I feel even more tense and upset / anxious inside. I have cried on and off all week but there have been times where I just wanted to start sobbing but my chest hurt so badly, I couldn't even physically cry and it was painful to not be able to. That happened yesterday afternoon.
I just want to get better but its so slow and I have continuous hours and hours where I just feel like I am struggling to do anything because I feel so bad physically. Last nite I could barely sleep because after taking a few throat drops for my asthma, my teeth began to hurt really bad to the point I had to numb it with anbesol at 5am - and it was half my mouth, top and bottom that were hurting- intense pain. Maybe that is where the cavity is. I'm going to have to fix that one day but will have to wait til next month I guess cos I just dont feel well enough right now to undergo that sort of unpleasantness. I think eventually the asthma will get better but its going to be slow and its going to take time, at least a week - maybe two wks for the medicine to get fully in my system and work.
All I ask is for your attempt to understand and empathize with me with this situation UNTIL i can fully heal from this and most of all I need your patience and kindness towards me when I really feel extremely bad most of the day and nite. I'm not using this as a way to cause drama or get attention from you.
I really DO feel bad and would never make this up. I want you to believe me and know / trust that I am not making it up or even exaggerating in the least when I say how I feel. Maybe the dr appt will elicit something positive, maybe they will give me something for the breathing or that machine with medicine to help me recover faster. I don't know but I have to hope that that dr visit will make things better for my health.
People with asthma are very emotional people in the first place which is often a link or correlation so when I get upset the asthma does get worse. I'm not asking you to kiss up to me and spoil me, I'm just asking for you to make the effort to not say things or bring up topics that you know might upset me or cause an argument UNTIL I am better. Like making decisions about most BIG things right now [like big life decisions particularly choosing homes to look at and such] is the last thing I have the physical or emotional energy for, its highly stressful and everything that requires deep thought and time, for me, requires a lot of concentration which equals a lot of breathing and it hurts to breathe. I just want you to understand that fact.
You may not have asthma and never understand what its like but it doesnt hurt to go out of your way to attempt to understand and garner some sympathy/empathy when you see someone you love is suffering.
Mostly it hurts me when what I feel is not validated. I want my feelings to be taken seriously, respected and heard. To me, that means showing nurturance and extra kindness the way anyone does or should when taking care of someone who is sick - whether it be a flu or any kind of illness. That is the way loving couples treat one another and it is the way you show love to someone in your relationship and most esp in your future marriage.
Maybe you are accustomed to toughing it "out" when you are sick and don't like sympathy or care from other people around you or your significant other or maybe you have never gotten it. But that is very vital to a healthy and emotionally thriving relationship particularly a long lasting marriage. So anyway, I think sometimes there is a disconnect between you and I as my definition of nurturance is nowhere near yours or what I think nurturance is the definition of in any book on healthy relationships. And possibly it is that you aren't accustomed to being nurtured or werent in the past, but I am accustomed to be treated with nurturance and emotional sensitivity and care in a relationship and I am nowhere near that kind of mentality of toughing anyone out or "appearing strong" by not being weak or needing attention/care/love. I need it, its part of being human and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is normal. Maybe you were raised that emotional nurturance/warmth/care was not used for those sick or not feeling well, but I don't flourish in that sort of environment that lacks nurturance, I die emotionally - I wither. I suffer from emotional deprivation, it kills a relationship for me.
Toughing it out breaks me down and makes me weaker. It does not strengthen me and it makes me very resentful/bitter when those sort of "mentality ideas" are forced upon me just because that is your own self-belief and way of doing things. It is not my self-belief nor my way of handling things and treating me like a child and telling me to be more self reliant when I am sick, is not nurturing, its acting like a mean parent and its cold/rigid and will push me away if you act that way everytime I am not well. It does come across as very harsh, unfeeling and like someone who thinks its wrong to show they are in pain or weak or sick. I don't believe it is wrong and I don't want to be treated like it is wrong to show I am in pain and I need care from the one I love. It is not weakness, it is normal human need that everyone feels whether they admit it or not.
So please understand, the above, toughing out sickness and putting on a brave face /hiding how I feel to make you happy and less stressed- that doesn't work for me and I find that very unhealthy. You should never hide how you feel from your lover or have to pretend to feel or be something you aren't. And, I don't mean this to sound hostile towards you, but I want to be heard and understood that I am not you and am my own person and what works for you does not work for me. I want you to learn to accept me for who I am and understand what I need from you.
Please understand that I am not saying I do not want to better myself but in some situations such as being in the midst of an asthma attack, its very improper and feels extremely cold and unnurturing when you to get angry/stressed at me for me asking you for help with doctors and such. Telling me you are trying to get me to help myself when I am struggling with something as serious and fatal as asthma is very misplaced and not appropriate due to the nature of asthma.
I understand you want me to learn to help myself and become more self reliant but you need to learn to discriminate when you should ask and expect that of me and what situation that pertains to. Logically, anyone who understands asthma fully, would never ask that of anyone they love. When you love someone and you see they are in bad shape, you don't ignore what is right in front of you- you pay attention and you do whatever it takes to nurse that person back to health, to aid in their healing and make things easier for the person who is obviously weaker than you at that moment.
It is the wrong place, wrong time to use that train of thought when I am struggling so much, not just physically but emotionally too and it is counterproductive to ask a sick person to do the things I was asking of you and did not help me get better, in fact it actually has prolonged my asthma and worsened the condition I am in, in the long run. Because without arguing and making such a major issue/argument over helping me, I would have gotten better faster. Less stress= healing and recovering from asthma. Arguing and not helping= me getting sicker and staying sick longer.
I do not rebound well if I don't feel emotional support and nurturance. Without it, I am not resilient, I become the opposite of resilient. I do not thrive. I cannot cope.
You have to stop comparing me to yourself because we aren't one and the same person, we have not had the same life experiences, we were raised completely differently and how I react, cope or deal with things is much different than you due to what I have been thru in my lifetime and it isn't going to ever change because I am April and there is only one of me. So please learn to accept me and love me for who I am.
When you tell me how you see things and how you would do this and this and this so differently, it doesn't come off as being warm or helpful, it comes off as being critical/stiff and close minded and most of all it hurts me which triggers anger inside and then I blow up because I can't handle being judged/criticized.
People who accept and love their partner for who they are don't say things like that or make you feel bad with the way you view, cope or handle things or tell you that their way is the "only right way".
If you truly understood me and accepted me, you would never even tell me how I should cope or react or how you would be if you were me. To me that is an indication that you don't accept that I have a different view than you, different way of handling things, different way of reacting and coping with life and things that are hard and it also indicates that you don't really understand where I am coming from and you don't want to try to. I need you to try to understand me, even if you don't. I need to see you attempt to step outside of your view of things so you can see past your limitation/restriction of what you believe is true for you but honestly is not going to be true for every person in this world because we are all different. Some people will relate to you and some will relate to me but it is a fact that not everyone thinks or believes the same as you and that doesn't make other peoples viewpoints wrong.
When you love someone, you try to see through their eyes and you do make an attempt to "try" to put yourself in that persons shoes realizing that we are different people and deal with emotional/sickness quite differently. You do it because you love your significant other and because part of love means being unselfish, and giving. Sometimes giving means letting go of whatever you believe or think right then and listening / attempting to validate and understand that maybe we see things differently but you hold back those thoughts and attempt to give me the words that I need, emotionally, in an attempt to show that you are validating who I am, and attempting to understand who I am enough to accept that this "difference in thought" is a part of me and you will love me enough to accept this part of my nature.
I am not trying to complain or even make you feel like I don't appreciate you or what you do do for me in our life together because whether you believe it or not- I think about how grateful I am to have you everyday of my life and I do thank god every day for you- I swear. So please don't take this as I am trying to tear you down or devalue you. I know you often say I do not give you enough credit and I keep telling you that I do because I do in my mind and I go out of my way to show my appeciation towards you each and everytime you do anything for me. I made a vow to myself a long time ago that when I found someone to love again, which was you, that I would never take that person for granted and I would always thank them for everything, whether its taking me to a dr, calling for me, making dinner, having sex, I always go out of my way to acknowledge all that you do as its happening but just because I write about problem areas that I want addressed from time to time doesn't mean that I dont appreciate what you do for me. I think sometimes you misunderstand my real message and intention behind any email I write deeply about our relationship like this. It is because no time is made to talk when the issues are happening and you shy away from resolving or addressing anything conflicting. It gets to a point where I cannot keep letting the same conflict reocurr over and over and I simply say something via email only when I feel it is of vital importance to my wellbeing in the relationship and for the sake and health of our relationship in the long run. I don't take the time to write about things that are not a big deal to me. and that I keep seeing reoccur in a variety of fights that involve understanding me, respecting how I feel, validating my feelings which in conclusion signals that there is listening occuring from your side and communication thriving between us. If the same argument keeps coming up, that tells me there is a problem with communication and just simply listening to how I feel and providing validation.
In short, if you would take the time to understand where I am coming from and listen to how I feel, make an effort to accept certain things, many arguments and fights could be avoided and there would be less stress and tension between us. I just want things to be better because I love you and because I want both of us to be less stressed and more focused on being content with one another.
I know I have my own areas to work on but I am always trying and if only one person is trying and isn't addressing the things that cause tension [because it takes two. it isn't a one way street], then things don't get better.
Anyway, I am sorry Ive been moody lately but until I feel better, its going to be rough for me because I don't deal with suffering well at all and I find it extremely hard to cope. All I am asking for is to put it in simple words, some kindness and care - extra effort to physically and vocally show concern and love, while I am sick [and in the future if I should ever become sick again be it a simple flu or a serious health issue] and also to be given a little permission to allow me to show that I am in pain because I am and its how I cope with being sick or unwell, I have to vent to feel better and if I can't, I feel worse. I also believe nurturing someone who is sick that you truly validate and understand, involves less expectation for me to want to run around and do much [ie social events, house hunting etc. outside of necessity- food shopping and emergency places- i dont feel i can handle any outing. its even a struggle just to go to a fast food place or publix. when i go outside, the more i struggle to breathe. when i struggle to breathe, the more dizzy and lightheaded/weak unstable I feel physically. I want to build/rebuild my endurance on my own terms and what works best for my healing and to be supported in this because you want the best for me and you trust that I know what works best for me because you believe in me.
I truly feel this physical ailment is over my head and one of the worst experiences [these last two weeks] in my entire life of any physical illness I have ever endured. It has not only been torturous but also scary, and scarier even more when you feel like the person next to you doesn't validate how sick you are or show constant concern over your wellbeing, and ask how you are day to day showing they care about you and are supporting you emotionally and vocally. I appreciate someone showing care, concern worry over me far more than someone who doesn't let anyone see they worry and wants to appear as "strong" or put on a facade of strength. I don't see that as strong, at all. I see it as hiding and unhealthy, and take it as someone who is unwilling to be vulnerable and intimate out of their own self imposed fears with a need to be "tough" especially in a love relationship where there should be no walls or barriers when there is love involved.
What makes me heal and get better fast is emotional nurturance - support, kind words, attentiveness to me. This means validating I don't feel well and understanding that when you show care and concern towards me- I get better faster.
If someone is emotionally unavailable and not nurturing to me when I am unwell, I do not get better, I get worse because emotionally I internalize everything and it affects me physically so all I'm saying is if you make the effort, I will get better faster. If you don't make the effort and get frustrated at me or dont pay attention/acknowledge that I am sick by acting like I should be able to do normal things I did before I had the asthma attack- then my condition from past experience of any physical illness Ive had while lacking support/care- I do get worse and my condition will not improve and will be slow-moving. It actually makes me regress and it will take double or triple the time for me to get better.
It is not a threat and again I don't mean this in a hostile attacking kind of way- I mean this in "this is how I am. I know what makes me flourish and I know what makes me fall apart and descend downwards. and i am telling you what makes me tick and what is helpful to me and necessary." that is what i need. i don't feel like it is anything to ask at all. it is what you do for someone when you truly love them, because when someone you love is hurting you hurt back and people who love each other want to make the other person happy and if you see the other suffering, you should want to do what you can to ease that. that is what love is and that is how i treat someone i love and how i want to be treated. i believe that nurturance is a pure act of real love and real giving and i wholeheartedly believe in this all the way without any doubt in the world, i believe in this concept like more than one hundred percent. I do not mean to be redundant in all I write here and a lot of it is going to sound repetitive but if it does, it is only because I want to get my message across and it is such an important point I am trying to make for the benefit of our relationship, for the love of it and for our future wellbeing. Please listen and think about it. Talk to me later about this topic if you do not have time now but please do not avoid it or act like I didn't write this. If you don't reply to this, then I would like you to initiate discussion and mention you read this when I see you tonite and discuss thoughts/feelings as it took me two or three hours to write/revise this and I don't want my words to be wasted or pushed under the rug and ignored. Avoiding discussions doesn't create harmony, it creates imbalance and conflict, perpetual conflict and tension/stress and its not healthy.
We need to have more open communication about our relationship on a regular - at least weekly basis. If you dont make the effort then things pile up and build/build/build and it's not a positive affect, it has a negative effect on the relationship as a whole and it is something you have promised more than once to work on so please try to implement this into the basic relationship so I am not forced to write long emotional letters like this. I don't like doing it this way but feel I have no other choice, no other way, no other outlet. No choice.
I feel like sometimes you only hear me when I write in email form rather than talking it out. I just don't feel like it gets thru to you when I talk. I feel it works better [because of lack of communication] if I write first then we discuss it vocally after you've read and digested what I have written.
When I try to vocally express myself and show that I am emotionally upset at all, I get shut down most of the time by you. It is like you cannot handle any emotional upset or anyone feeling sad/upset/angry and just disconnect entirely from the person and situation which is very hurtful towards the already emotional person, me.
So, for some things, I feel expression thru writing is better and I can only do it while you are at work simply because I have privacy to write out my feelings and time to think, and because we live together, it doesnt make much sense to send it after you get home when you will be here. I prefer you to read it without me in front of you anyway. I feel its less pressure on you for me to not be in the same room and less pressure on me as its anxiety provoking and writing these things are not easy for me but are things I feel so strongly that I need to say otherwise it will ruin/ destroy me to keep it inside and to not be heard by you. Mostly I need to be really really heard.
Anyway, I hope you have a good day and want to make this a stress free week by tackling the things I view as conflictive at the start of the week and by the only way I really know how to do it with you- via email as when I talk, I feel I am not really understood therefore I am not heard at all.
I am sorry for my part in being moody and upset most of the past week and weekend and don't mean to intentionally cause you stress or any hurt, but please understand it is a reaction to how i am treated when sick and when I am feeling really bad. and on top of that I have major anxiety/mood swings because I am not on any psychiatric meds now. I am going to go thru withdrawal. I stopped taking the tranquilizer and it is going to show in how I interact/react and cope emotionally. Soon I will also have my period and this past week Ive had some premenstrual symptoms. All three of those things are enough to make anyone feel moody and stressed out and edgy. I dont mean to take it out on you and I'm sorry for when I have. Just please put into perspective the things I am going thru right now and understand why. I will try to be better but know that if I snap, its not on purpose or because I enjoy fighting or upsetting. I don't enjoy any of it but when I don't feel good, I have little tolerance for arguing, feeling unvalidated and what I most need from the person who loves me is for you to just step in, put your thoughts/opinions aside and just simply make me feel better, even if its just hugs and kisses and kind words with well wishes showing you care and you are concerned, even if you repetitively ask me how I am every day and tell me you want me to get better and hope for my healing etc. They are only words but they make all the difference to me in the world and sometimes are more healing than any sort of chemical medication. Words and love are healing and so is kindness and compassion and any amount is NEVER too much. In other words, it is helpful and beneficial to my healing and restoring of health and I can use all the compassion and love and affection right now that is possibly available. Those things make me feel better, nothing makes me feel better than that. I don't want tv or food or fancy desserts, I want you and your words of comfort, show of affection, care, kindness, watching over me, being instrumental in making me feel better.
I will let you go for now and please don't be angry or take offense to these things I have said. I am not trying to criticize you but rather am suggesting how you can help me best and telling you straight-out what I need in this relationship and is vital to my emotional health. Thank you for listening.
I don't know if I can sleep right now as I stayed up all morning and now its afternoon. I started writing this at 10:30am or so and just finished it now. But I am going to lay down for a bit. some books sold and I will send them your way if I think we have them. I havent opened the email yet as I want to get this sent to you so you read it before you leave. Thanks again for putting up with me lately. I'm sorry if my sickness has caused any strain on you and I don't mean to be a burden on you.
I love you,
April
+++
This is "no notes" as it involves personal problems in my relationship and I don't like notes that critique or tell me what I should or should not do. I do not mind validation and support but feel I am sound enough in my heart and mind to make my own decisions when it comes to my relationships and this is one relationship I believe I know what it takes to make it work and believe it is up to him and I to resolve things, not anyone else.
I've found it isn't always helpful to get advice. Sometimes that makes it worse. Like I said, support is always welcome and understanding/empathy, relating to one's struggles in relationships but I know what needs to be worked on and fixed and I'm not afraid to face it or tackle it with my fiance :)
I share here, just to share. But also largely to vent out frustrations- for myself!
(Next entry will be less serious + more relative to what is going on and upcoming events/ it will be a short catching up entry that is summarized)
Sunday, June 29, 2008
strawberries n' chocolate in june- oh my!!
my adorable niece alexcia eating a rich chocolate covered strawberry off of some tantalizing dessert at carraba's. my fiance captured alexcia close up when she was not aware we were taking a picture, eating the strawberry, devouring it and savoring it - we found it hilarious and amusing! he zoomed in for the first two pix across the table as we were at a big booth and it was a bit of a post father day celebration since we werent able to make it out on the actual holiday. the last picture was taken by me, of my mother and alexcia still in love with her eating up every bit of her chocolate messy strawberry surprise!
the waiter was nice enough to surprise us with two free desserts on him for free for us all to share [a chocolate rich kind of layer cake and a whippedcream fruit with banana cake which is the one i thoroughly ate and enjoyed!] we're not sure why he gave us to free desserts but it sure was nice. the only thing we can figure is my dad is a regular customer there and requests this particular waiter all the time and tips him well. he is known by everyone there. LOL we tease him about this at times. anyway it was a good meal overall. jimmy had some brisotto beef entree and i had steak marsalla with mashed garlic potatoes as usual!
the waiter was nice enough to surprise us with two free desserts on him for free for us all to share [a chocolate rich kind of layer cake and a whippedcream fruit with banana cake which is the one i thoroughly ate and enjoyed!] we're not sure why he gave us to free desserts but it sure was nice. the only thing we can figure is my dad is a regular customer there and requests this particular waiter all the time and tips him well. he is known by everyone there. LOL we tease him about this at times. anyway it was a good meal overall. jimmy had some brisotto beef entree and i had steak marsalla with mashed garlic potatoes as usual!
Friday, June 27, 2008
the system is a mess.
mazy \MAY-zee\, adjective:
Resembling a maze in form or complexity; winding; intricate; confusing; perplexing.
my dr appt today was long and frustrating and anger-inducing. i felt fully stressed by the end when i was told i had to make three appts right then - one for xray, two for lab work and three for a follow up with dr on the tests aforementioned.
the area is ghetto particularly surrounding areas which look rough, debilitated and run-down. and it is far from where i live, unfamiliar territory. taking a bus, public bus, would be way too anxiety provoking. taking a cab would be a step up but also extra anxiety provoking due to the fact it is a stranger, i dont trust easily and am scared of men, and i don't know the area i am going to. it makes me feel vulnerable and scared, overwhelmed.
in addition to the three appts i had to make, i was told i would have 3 referrals for 3 separate appts on top of the ones made that i needed to go to and make once i received their letter in the mail. these are for: diagnostic clinic for pulmonary test in spirometry, gynecologist and psychiatrist. all of these appts must be done in two mos. that is impossible to me and i do not have the tolerance or energy for all that. i barely have it for one appt a month. how am i gonna handle six? its f***ing ridiculous.
i got very upset. i hate this screwed up/ welfare system. i feel if my disability offered a better choice of primary care physicians and i wasn't stuck with a clinic that mostly specializes in treating welfare and homeless cases, then maybe i might get better, more specialized care that consolidates appts and makes things convenient.
what if i had a professional job? i mean how do these people expect you to hold a job with that many appts? it makes no sense and seems to be a no-win situation. i cannot wait til i am married. i will be getting on my fiance's health insurance so that i have decent and unwelfare like coverage. i am sick of the second rate treatment bullshit. i deserve decent health coverage and help just like anyone else in this world.
i also was so upset this day, that i accidentally kicked the coffee table. right away the side of my foot where veins are, became green-blue and significantly raised/swollen then bruised. i had to put on an ice pack with towel for two hrs. it really hurt.
i do not know why i bruise so easily but in the past i have been checked for this and came up with nothing. i wasn't anemic or anything and nothing was abnormal in my blood. maybe they will check again when i go back for the labwork/blood tests etc next week.
Resembling a maze in form or complexity; winding; intricate; confusing; perplexing.
my dr appt today was long and frustrating and anger-inducing. i felt fully stressed by the end when i was told i had to make three appts right then - one for xray, two for lab work and three for a follow up with dr on the tests aforementioned.
the area is ghetto particularly surrounding areas which look rough, debilitated and run-down. and it is far from where i live, unfamiliar territory. taking a bus, public bus, would be way too anxiety provoking. taking a cab would be a step up but also extra anxiety provoking due to the fact it is a stranger, i dont trust easily and am scared of men, and i don't know the area i am going to. it makes me feel vulnerable and scared, overwhelmed.
in addition to the three appts i had to make, i was told i would have 3 referrals for 3 separate appts on top of the ones made that i needed to go to and make once i received their letter in the mail. these are for: diagnostic clinic for pulmonary test in spirometry, gynecologist and psychiatrist. all of these appts must be done in two mos. that is impossible to me and i do not have the tolerance or energy for all that. i barely have it for one appt a month. how am i gonna handle six? its f***ing ridiculous.
i got very upset. i hate this screwed up/ welfare system. i feel if my disability offered a better choice of primary care physicians and i wasn't stuck with a clinic that mostly specializes in treating welfare and homeless cases, then maybe i might get better, more specialized care that consolidates appts and makes things convenient.
what if i had a professional job? i mean how do these people expect you to hold a job with that many appts? it makes no sense and seems to be a no-win situation. i cannot wait til i am married. i will be getting on my fiance's health insurance so that i have decent and unwelfare like coverage. i am sick of the second rate treatment bullshit. i deserve decent health coverage and help just like anyone else in this world.
i also was so upset this day, that i accidentally kicked the coffee table. right away the side of my foot where veins are, became green-blue and significantly raised/swollen then bruised. i had to put on an ice pack with towel for two hrs. it really hurt.
i do not know why i bruise so easily but in the past i have been checked for this and came up with nothing. i wasn't anemic or anything and nothing was abnormal in my blood. maybe they will check again when i go back for the labwork/blood tests etc next week.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
chosen wedding invite + proof for order.
We've decided on an invitation by the way for our wedding and did a sample wording of the design/style we are going with to see how it would look. it is the final decision on that and we will probably order it in the upcoming month or two. we love the lavender/lilac color which matches the bridesmaid gowns and the simplistic classic elegant ivory quality paper with cherry blossom imprints for design/decoration. it kind of went with the feel i was trying to create for our wedding. the ambiance.
in recovery- have been very sick. [asthma]
i haven't been around or online all week because i have been in pretty bad shape all week b/t struggling to breathe - extreme tightness of chest to the point where all the muscles around my chest/back and my whole torso area has felt stiff / and possibly swollen/inflamed by the asthma symptoms and asthma attacks. to a point where it has been hard to move, eat, lay down, even pee. anything i have to exert energy into or anything that involves having to breathe including talk has been painful due to lack of air / oxygen to breathe because of tightness around lungs.
for those that don't know, asthma makes it where your air passages are almost virtually blocked. its like trying to breathe thru a straw and can feel like someone stepped on your chest and crushed your air passage. i often think of an example. imagine if your air conditioning vent was stepped on and crushed And how the air would barely be able to get through or out of the system. that's how it feels. then on top of that i began getting heart palpitations and fluttering, racing heart that felt so dangerously high.
i got scared to the point where more than one day i wanted to either call an ambulance or go to the emergency room because i was afraid i might die due to lack of air, not being able to breathe, and a racing heart that made me feel like having a heart attack. i assume the racing heart is a result of the medications i am on for asthma and coupled with anxiety in general.
so each and every day this week, in fact every second, minute, hour has been a struggle where i don't know how i can get thru the day or thru anything much longer. i haven't been able to even relax, read, watch tv, or do hobbies enjoyably the way you can when you are "sick" - at least if you have a cold or a flu you can usually lay down and watch tv to pass the miserable time or even read at some point but with asthma this isn't so.
everything that requires breathing feels like torture. including laying down to sleep because laying down worsens the tightness in the chest/lungs and blocks the air passages. and at the same time, my whole chest is so sore from struggling to breathe, that it has hurt to breathe and has been absolute suffering, misery and torture.
i am still not feeling that well but wanted to drop a quick entry to let everyone know i am alive but i am working on recovering and until the asthma attack has been fully treated and healed, i will need a break and not be able to write here. probably will be back and feeling better by the end of the week at the lastest- hopefully.
i should stress that this hasn't been a minor event as its affected every part of my life and jimmy too for which i feel bad over but have no conrol over. during this time, i've had to steer away from watching any tv that involves too much laughing as it only makes my chest tighter and less able to breathe, anything on tv that would trigger upset or fear/anxiety, anything in general in my daily life that evokes emotional upset. for instance, fighting and arguing with someone [with my fiance for instance] and getting upset will trigger my asthma to worsen.
emotional distress and upset effects asthma and worsens it so ive had to steer away from that but have had some arguments where my breathing got worse and i was crying because i was so upset and frustrated over the feeling i cant breathe or do anything and i feel tormented.
also, i have not been able to go anywhere much all week. i have gone grocery shopping twice but even that was difficult as going out in the humid weather or being in public seems to exacerbate the asthma. it is also completely triggered by hot and humid weather, allergens/pollen in the air and environmental elements which florida is full of esp during this season. it has not been a good week and i am looking forward to where i can breathe again and get past this, heal and recover. i have been really sick to the point where i am pretty much house ridden but even relaxing in my own place hurts and has kept me from doing much at all. because of the asthma attack, i am not able or allowed to even exercise or do aerobics due to the asthma.
i did see a doctor at an emergency walk in clinic on thurs evening and even though they were not supposed to give out prescriptions for asthma as it isn't a clinic that specifies in something that serious or in chronic disease which is what they categorize asthma as, the dr was young, exceptionally empathetic and kind and he believed me when i said i couldn't get a dr appt or anyone to take medicaid in tampa and he was very apologetic but stated the system was a mess and he was sorry i had to go thru this but he would give me the prescription i needed [which was advair, a preventative powder inhaler to go with albuterol for treatment of asthma attack and prevention of attack that i had run out of and precipitated the attack. he said going off of it likely triggered my asthma attack since that is around when it occurred]
in any case, the emergency clinician gave me enough for 2 refills after i filled it so that i could have enough time to find a primary care dr who can give me the full attention i need for something like asthma which needs regularly monitoring and to be consistently on medication. so, ive been taking advair and albuterol along with singulair everyday since seeing the dr. [i was taking the last two prior but it doesnt work much if you aren't also taking advair with it]
i think i will get better but its going slowly which is expected given i didn't get treatment until after a week of severe asthma attacks. i am just glad i didnt end up in the hospital or dead. there have been several times during the last almost two weeks where i was scared enough that i thought i might die from not being able to breathe. of course with my history of panic attacks and anxiety- it has been a challenge because not being able to breathe triggers intense panic and anxiety for someone like myself and someone with my chemical makeup/ background history.
this weekend i haven't been able to go anywhere outside of my apt. and i have felt bad as jimmy wanted to look at more houses [those two we bid on have contracts on them so its unlikely we will be able to get either of them] but it is so stressful and being in the heat in a tiny car for 4 to 6 hrs is the worst thing i could do when suffering from full blown asthma.
jimmy even said he wished we could go to the movie theater this weekend. i thought the same thing myself but sadly knew i am in no condition to go out to any public outing including a movie theater which would be a disaster and nitemare should i feel i absolutely cannot breathe in the theater and want to go home etc. he said he understood that but sadly its taken all week to get that across his mind as he isn't asthmatic and seems to sometimes ignorantly act like i should be able to just get over it.
- mind over matter? yeah, you can take that approach with many things but not when you're talking about asthma and breathing. being able to breathe is like life or death. this is serious and i am not going to take any chance with my health!!
i probably will stay house ridden for most of this week and work on just resting and recovering until next weekend, saving my energy and air for when we can go out house hunting again or anywhere that involves social stimulation. right now, i just want to get better and i don't want to die. if that means refraining from things that are pleasurable or stress inducing then i have to do it for myself.
i am praying for some relief as its been absolute hell and i can't even put it into words for those who have never experienced asthma but if anyone has ever had severe asthma, then they would understand precisely what i am talking about.
it really does suck because i realize i am going to be struggling with this for the rest of my life and there are going to be certain seasons like spring and summer where it is easily triggered and i have to be careful to avoid things that might trigger. this makes it feel like i am restricted and like i can't be like everyone else who is normal without asthma. and it certainly isnt helpful that jimmy doesn't have asthma, because i still don't think he fully understands what it's like and how asthma is a physical illness, and extremely hard to control esp when we live in a tropical climate that is one of the worst states in the United States when it comes to high allergy/pollen count and asthma.
anyway, if it doesn't fall thru, i have an appt this friday with a primary care dr at 11am. i am hoping by then i will be feeling better than today and that i can get things and my health in order and back on track. its hard to focus or concentrate on anything when i feel like this and can't even work on wedding details because focusing means exerting more breathing and its not something i have a lot of now. :(
I am upset but I can't fully tackle the problem or situation right now- over the fact that the psychiatrist we found for me covered by my medicaid/ united healthcare insurance was unexpectedly cancelled this past week. they claimed in their message they no longer accept medicaid. this, after calling about 30 drs who all said NO- they dont take my ins therefore i can't see them.
So now its back to the drawing board. this means a longer wait and no relief for anxiety, manic mood swings i experience. ive also run out of the tranquilizer which helped anxiey and helped me sleep more regularly and lessened my insomnia.
I cannot get that narcotic which is an anti anxiety (benzodiazepene) without a psychiatrist so i am screwed. This means intense insomnia will be back bigger and stronger and worse waves of anxiety because getting off that drug and having nothing to fall back on triggers withdrawal as ive been on it before and yes it is an addictive class of drugs and only prescribed to people [most of the time] who have severe anxiety and usually diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
I don't know what I am going to do or how I will find a dr. but I can't concentrate on that now. I have to focus on getting better physically and restoring my breathing- getting my asthma under control, first and foremost. it might be a month before i feel fully back to normal and it sucks :(((
i will say so long for now and will be back when i am feeling better. i hope everyone is doing well and i promise to catch up when i feel i've overcome this and am back in good enough health. until then, have a great remainder of a weekend everyone! :)
for those that don't know, asthma makes it where your air passages are almost virtually blocked. its like trying to breathe thru a straw and can feel like someone stepped on your chest and crushed your air passage. i often think of an example. imagine if your air conditioning vent was stepped on and crushed And how the air would barely be able to get through or out of the system. that's how it feels. then on top of that i began getting heart palpitations and fluttering, racing heart that felt so dangerously high.
i got scared to the point where more than one day i wanted to either call an ambulance or go to the emergency room because i was afraid i might die due to lack of air, not being able to breathe, and a racing heart that made me feel like having a heart attack. i assume the racing heart is a result of the medications i am on for asthma and coupled with anxiety in general.
so each and every day this week, in fact every second, minute, hour has been a struggle where i don't know how i can get thru the day or thru anything much longer. i haven't been able to even relax, read, watch tv, or do hobbies enjoyably the way you can when you are "sick" - at least if you have a cold or a flu you can usually lay down and watch tv to pass the miserable time or even read at some point but with asthma this isn't so.
everything that requires breathing feels like torture. including laying down to sleep because laying down worsens the tightness in the chest/lungs and blocks the air passages. and at the same time, my whole chest is so sore from struggling to breathe, that it has hurt to breathe and has been absolute suffering, misery and torture.
i am still not feeling that well but wanted to drop a quick entry to let everyone know i am alive but i am working on recovering and until the asthma attack has been fully treated and healed, i will need a break and not be able to write here. probably will be back and feeling better by the end of the week at the lastest- hopefully.
i should stress that this hasn't been a minor event as its affected every part of my life and jimmy too for which i feel bad over but have no conrol over. during this time, i've had to steer away from watching any tv that involves too much laughing as it only makes my chest tighter and less able to breathe, anything on tv that would trigger upset or fear/anxiety, anything in general in my daily life that evokes emotional upset. for instance, fighting and arguing with someone [with my fiance for instance] and getting upset will trigger my asthma to worsen.
emotional distress and upset effects asthma and worsens it so ive had to steer away from that but have had some arguments where my breathing got worse and i was crying because i was so upset and frustrated over the feeling i cant breathe or do anything and i feel tormented.
also, i have not been able to go anywhere much all week. i have gone grocery shopping twice but even that was difficult as going out in the humid weather or being in public seems to exacerbate the asthma. it is also completely triggered by hot and humid weather, allergens/pollen in the air and environmental elements which florida is full of esp during this season. it has not been a good week and i am looking forward to where i can breathe again and get past this, heal and recover. i have been really sick to the point where i am pretty much house ridden but even relaxing in my own place hurts and has kept me from doing much at all. because of the asthma attack, i am not able or allowed to even exercise or do aerobics due to the asthma.
i did see a doctor at an emergency walk in clinic on thurs evening and even though they were not supposed to give out prescriptions for asthma as it isn't a clinic that specifies in something that serious or in chronic disease which is what they categorize asthma as, the dr was young, exceptionally empathetic and kind and he believed me when i said i couldn't get a dr appt or anyone to take medicaid in tampa and he was very apologetic but stated the system was a mess and he was sorry i had to go thru this but he would give me the prescription i needed [which was advair, a preventative powder inhaler to go with albuterol for treatment of asthma attack and prevention of attack that i had run out of and precipitated the attack. he said going off of it likely triggered my asthma attack since that is around when it occurred]
in any case, the emergency clinician gave me enough for 2 refills after i filled it so that i could have enough time to find a primary care dr who can give me the full attention i need for something like asthma which needs regularly monitoring and to be consistently on medication. so, ive been taking advair and albuterol along with singulair everyday since seeing the dr. [i was taking the last two prior but it doesnt work much if you aren't also taking advair with it]
i think i will get better but its going slowly which is expected given i didn't get treatment until after a week of severe asthma attacks. i am just glad i didnt end up in the hospital or dead. there have been several times during the last almost two weeks where i was scared enough that i thought i might die from not being able to breathe. of course with my history of panic attacks and anxiety- it has been a challenge because not being able to breathe triggers intense panic and anxiety for someone like myself and someone with my chemical makeup/ background history.
this weekend i haven't been able to go anywhere outside of my apt. and i have felt bad as jimmy wanted to look at more houses [those two we bid on have contracts on them so its unlikely we will be able to get either of them] but it is so stressful and being in the heat in a tiny car for 4 to 6 hrs is the worst thing i could do when suffering from full blown asthma.
jimmy even said he wished we could go to the movie theater this weekend. i thought the same thing myself but sadly knew i am in no condition to go out to any public outing including a movie theater which would be a disaster and nitemare should i feel i absolutely cannot breathe in the theater and want to go home etc. he said he understood that but sadly its taken all week to get that across his mind as he isn't asthmatic and seems to sometimes ignorantly act like i should be able to just get over it.
- mind over matter? yeah, you can take that approach with many things but not when you're talking about asthma and breathing. being able to breathe is like life or death. this is serious and i am not going to take any chance with my health!!
i probably will stay house ridden for most of this week and work on just resting and recovering until next weekend, saving my energy and air for when we can go out house hunting again or anywhere that involves social stimulation. right now, i just want to get better and i don't want to die. if that means refraining from things that are pleasurable or stress inducing then i have to do it for myself.
i am praying for some relief as its been absolute hell and i can't even put it into words for those who have never experienced asthma but if anyone has ever had severe asthma, then they would understand precisely what i am talking about.
it really does suck because i realize i am going to be struggling with this for the rest of my life and there are going to be certain seasons like spring and summer where it is easily triggered and i have to be careful to avoid things that might trigger. this makes it feel like i am restricted and like i can't be like everyone else who is normal without asthma. and it certainly isnt helpful that jimmy doesn't have asthma, because i still don't think he fully understands what it's like and how asthma is a physical illness, and extremely hard to control esp when we live in a tropical climate that is one of the worst states in the United States when it comes to high allergy/pollen count and asthma.
anyway, if it doesn't fall thru, i have an appt this friday with a primary care dr at 11am. i am hoping by then i will be feeling better than today and that i can get things and my health in order and back on track. its hard to focus or concentrate on anything when i feel like this and can't even work on wedding details because focusing means exerting more breathing and its not something i have a lot of now. :(
I am upset but I can't fully tackle the problem or situation right now- over the fact that the psychiatrist we found for me covered by my medicaid/ united healthcare insurance was unexpectedly cancelled this past week. they claimed in their message they no longer accept medicaid. this, after calling about 30 drs who all said NO- they dont take my ins therefore i can't see them.
So now its back to the drawing board. this means a longer wait and no relief for anxiety, manic mood swings i experience. ive also run out of the tranquilizer which helped anxiey and helped me sleep more regularly and lessened my insomnia.
I cannot get that narcotic which is an anti anxiety (benzodiazepene) without a psychiatrist so i am screwed. This means intense insomnia will be back bigger and stronger and worse waves of anxiety because getting off that drug and having nothing to fall back on triggers withdrawal as ive been on it before and yes it is an addictive class of drugs and only prescribed to people [most of the time] who have severe anxiety and usually diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
I don't know what I am going to do or how I will find a dr. but I can't concentrate on that now. I have to focus on getting better physically and restoring my breathing- getting my asthma under control, first and foremost. it might be a month before i feel fully back to normal and it sucks :(((
i will say so long for now and will be back when i am feeling better. i hope everyone is doing well and i promise to catch up when i feel i've overcome this and am back in good enough health. until then, have a great remainder of a weekend everyone! :)
Monday, June 16, 2008
high anxiety, asthma, other preoccupations + wedding related ideas.
Last week I felt really swamped, we had something to do virtually everyday and Jimmy's 18 yr old nephew staying with us Thurs- Sat. After that I didn't even feel like doing anything or being social and have been too emotionally drained to do much of anything including log into my diary or write period. I will soon when I regain my energy.
It's just lately I've been drained and my asthma has been really bad, sometimes to the point I feel like going to an emergency room or dr. I can barely breathe even with taking the albuterol inhaler :/ And someone has been letting their outdoor cat spray all over their patio or something because when I go out on our patio lately [the past month] you can smell pneumonia like urine all over our own outdoor patio as if it is permeated with that smell and that smell alone triggers an asthma attack. it totally sucks and the heat is driving me insane.
Right now, both Jimmy and I have been reading this book we bought at borders by Jon Krakauer- its called Under the banner of Heaven. Its compelling but disturbing about the mormons and polygamist sects which is tied to a true murder of a mother and child, so it's a true crime book but it has a lot of history and background on the fundamentalist mormons [the ones who practice polygamy and engage frequently in incest like the one that was all over the news a few mos ago where the kids were taken away. It's really quite twisted and sick how this religion is and sounds more like a cult than a religion.]
Other than that, we got a few samples of wedding invitation styles from Invitations by Dawn, three. We aren't sure if we want to go with them though as we are waiting for a few samples from David's Bridal of wedding invite styles and there's this one website called tinyprints.com I want to investigate that Jimmy's friend Colleen sent a card from for her baby announcement that is really nice quality. I went on the site and noticed there are wedding invitations to choose from by them also and want to look into the tinyprints site more before making a decision on wedding invites. We are going to be looking at them together and then we'll make a decision based on both of our opinions.
We also borrowed a wedding vow book that was written by Jimmy's parents cousin, which has some nice ones for the wedding vow, ring vow and blessings. There are some beautiful ones and I'm waiting to see if Jimmy likes the ones I picked out or if he'd rather have a different one before finalizing the decision and emailing the words we want for our ceremony to the minister.
These were the ones I liked- they are simple but romantic, and meaningful with metaphors.
For Wedding Ceremony- from book, these are the ones I liked most:
WEDDING VOW
[below is my most favorite and only favorite as there was nothing else to me that was as beautiful as the one below. this particular vow is probably a fairly traditional style of wedding vow but i prefer this one the most out of everything because all the words are completely indicative of what marriage and love should include and involve.]
I, Jimmy, take you, April, to be my partner in life./ I promise to walk by your side forever,/ and to love, help and encourage you/ in all you do./ I will take time to talk with you,/ listen to you,/ and to care for you./ I will share your laughter and your tears/ as your partner, lover, and best friend./ Everything I am and everything I have is yours/ now and forevermore.
I, April, give myself to you, Jimmy,/ on this our wedding day./ I will cherish our friendship,/ and love you today, tomorrow and forever./ I will trust you and honor you./ I will love you faithfully/ through the best and worst,/through the difficult and the easy./ What may come, I will be there always./ As I have given you my hand to hold,/ so I give you my life to keep.
Ring Exchange Vows [either number one or two]:
1. April, this ring is a token of my love./ I marry you with this ring,/ with all that I have and all that I am.
Jimmy, I will forever wear this ring/ as a sign of my commitment/ and the desire of my heart.
OR-
2. You are more precious to me today than yesterday,/ and you will be more cherished tomorrow than you are today./ Please wear this ring/ as a symbol of my eternal love for you,/ a love that transcends all of our yesterdays,/ all of our todays,/ and all of our tomorrows.
Prayers/Blessings [i think Jimmy preferred no. one and thought the second one was a little tacky]
1. May God bless you with Hope enough to keep sunshine in your love, and Fear enough to keep you holding hands in the dark; Unity enough to keep your roots entwined, and Separation enough to keep you reaching for each other; Harmony enough to keep romance in your song, and Discord enough to keep you tuning your love so it becomes sweet music to all who may hear it.
OR-
2. May these two rings symbolize the spirit of undying love in each of your hearts. Wherever you go, may you always return to one another in your togetherness. May the home you establish be such a place of peace and joy that many will find there a friend. May your love for each other be as a pebble dropped in a pond of water. Like the ripples in the water that cross and recross one another's, may your love touch and retouch all those around you throughout your life together.
+++
Aside from all this- I've been struggling with asthma and this past week was bad and today is still bad. My dr appt with a new primary physician isn't til June 27th and I couldn't make it sooner due to being a new patient and them being booked. But I am now anxiously counting down the days because Ive run out of advair which helped the asthma and chest tightness a lot and only have an inhaler of albuterol which just doesnt seem to help much and is only supposed to be used for emergencies. Right now I am using it everyday according to prescription because I can barely breathe and the humid weather has triggered my asthma.
I also have a dental filling this Friday. and then a psychiatrist appt July 11th, I think.
All these appts are nerve wracking but necessary and I'm dreading this week because I am about to run out of the tranquilizer I have been taking by my last dr. for two months now and I am going to be in trouble when I run out since its helped my anxiety immensely and made me able to sleep at nite and avoid intense insomnia. Without it, I am destined for being up all nite, being anxious and not getting any good restful sleep. I am worried/stressed over that and will have to struggle/suffer til the July appt and even then I cannot guarantee that dr [who will be new to me] will even prescribe the tranquilizer I was put on. Unfortunately I've become dependent on it as I've tried taking benadryl and other herbal sleep drugs for years, none of them worked. Only the tranquilizer [lorazepam] worked. :/
The anxiety about the above thing occurring is overwhelming and dreadful. I have 8 anxiety pills left and am prescribed three a day as needed. I usually take b/t two and three a night and it takes the edge off of my anxiety, manic feelings. What am I going to do when I run out? I am screwed and it IS stressing me out.
I hope to god that new psychiatrist will re-prescribe the benzodiazepene for me OR at least put me on an anti-anxiety medication. I already know it is a given I will have to be put back on a low dosage of depakote and I am less than thrilled but I know no other way to gain control of mood swings or restabilize myself. :/ I promise to catch up as soon as I am feeling better than this.
I woke up having an asthma attack this morning triggered by Jimmy's perfume and hairspraying. He uses both a lot and I asked him last year to use his hairspray in the bathroom separate from our master bedroom because that is how much it bothers my breathing and he has done that ever since but he always sprays perfume in our bedroom and they are very strong scents he wears.
When my asthma is not bothering me or it is a season where I feel less bothered by allergies, I can handle it. But, I am not able to handle it right now because of this past week's INTENSE asthma troubles that have not gone away at all. I know it sounds silly if you've never had asthma in your life as I don't think Jimmy entirely gets it, but when my asthma is bad or present, anything will trigger it especially very strong scents of anything whether it be perfume, hairspray, fabric softener or highly scented candles. among many other things.
I was upset when I was triggered this morning but I don't think Jimmy completely understood it is because I am struggling to keep the asthma under control and it is feeling really bad right now. It felt a little better yesterday but is back to being worse than ever because of the perfume trigger this morning and I barely slept. He apologized and I know it was not on purpose but I got irritated since Ive many a time explained to him what asthma involves and sent him many articles on what triggers it.
I just want to be able to breathe but my chest has been so tight today and almost everyday in the past week. :/
It's just lately I've been drained and my asthma has been really bad, sometimes to the point I feel like going to an emergency room or dr. I can barely breathe even with taking the albuterol inhaler :/ And someone has been letting their outdoor cat spray all over their patio or something because when I go out on our patio lately [the past month] you can smell pneumonia like urine all over our own outdoor patio as if it is permeated with that smell and that smell alone triggers an asthma attack. it totally sucks and the heat is driving me insane.
Right now, both Jimmy and I have been reading this book we bought at borders by Jon Krakauer- its called Under the banner of Heaven. Its compelling but disturbing about the mormons and polygamist sects which is tied to a true murder of a mother and child, so it's a true crime book but it has a lot of history and background on the fundamentalist mormons [the ones who practice polygamy and engage frequently in incest like the one that was all over the news a few mos ago where the kids were taken away. It's really quite twisted and sick how this religion is and sounds more like a cult than a religion.]
Other than that, we got a few samples of wedding invitation styles from Invitations by Dawn, three. We aren't sure if we want to go with them though as we are waiting for a few samples from David's Bridal of wedding invite styles and there's this one website called tinyprints.com I want to investigate that Jimmy's friend Colleen sent a card from for her baby announcement that is really nice quality. I went on the site and noticed there are wedding invitations to choose from by them also and want to look into the tinyprints site more before making a decision on wedding invites. We are going to be looking at them together and then we'll make a decision based on both of our opinions.
We also borrowed a wedding vow book that was written by Jimmy's parents cousin, which has some nice ones for the wedding vow, ring vow and blessings. There are some beautiful ones and I'm waiting to see if Jimmy likes the ones I picked out or if he'd rather have a different one before finalizing the decision and emailing the words we want for our ceremony to the minister.
These were the ones I liked- they are simple but romantic, and meaningful with metaphors.
For Wedding Ceremony- from book, these are the ones I liked most:
WEDDING VOW
[below is my most favorite and only favorite as there was nothing else to me that was as beautiful as the one below. this particular vow is probably a fairly traditional style of wedding vow but i prefer this one the most out of everything because all the words are completely indicative of what marriage and love should include and involve.]
I, Jimmy, take you, April, to be my partner in life./ I promise to walk by your side forever,/ and to love, help and encourage you/ in all you do./ I will take time to talk with you,/ listen to you,/ and to care for you./ I will share your laughter and your tears/ as your partner, lover, and best friend./ Everything I am and everything I have is yours/ now and forevermore.
I, April, give myself to you, Jimmy,/ on this our wedding day./ I will cherish our friendship,/ and love you today, tomorrow and forever./ I will trust you and honor you./ I will love you faithfully/ through the best and worst,/through the difficult and the easy./ What may come, I will be there always./ As I have given you my hand to hold,/ so I give you my life to keep.
Ring Exchange Vows [either number one or two]:
1. April, this ring is a token of my love./ I marry you with this ring,/ with all that I have and all that I am.
Jimmy, I will forever wear this ring/ as a sign of my commitment/ and the desire of my heart.
OR-
2. You are more precious to me today than yesterday,/ and you will be more cherished tomorrow than you are today./ Please wear this ring/ as a symbol of my eternal love for you,/ a love that transcends all of our yesterdays,/ all of our todays,/ and all of our tomorrows.
Prayers/Blessings [i think Jimmy preferred no. one and thought the second one was a little tacky]
1. May God bless you with Hope enough to keep sunshine in your love, and Fear enough to keep you holding hands in the dark; Unity enough to keep your roots entwined, and Separation enough to keep you reaching for each other; Harmony enough to keep romance in your song, and Discord enough to keep you tuning your love so it becomes sweet music to all who may hear it.
OR-
2. May these two rings symbolize the spirit of undying love in each of your hearts. Wherever you go, may you always return to one another in your togetherness. May the home you establish be such a place of peace and joy that many will find there a friend. May your love for each other be as a pebble dropped in a pond of water. Like the ripples in the water that cross and recross one another's, may your love touch and retouch all those around you throughout your life together.
+++
Aside from all this- I've been struggling with asthma and this past week was bad and today is still bad. My dr appt with a new primary physician isn't til June 27th and I couldn't make it sooner due to being a new patient and them being booked. But I am now anxiously counting down the days because Ive run out of advair which helped the asthma and chest tightness a lot and only have an inhaler of albuterol which just doesnt seem to help much and is only supposed to be used for emergencies. Right now I am using it everyday according to prescription because I can barely breathe and the humid weather has triggered my asthma.
I also have a dental filling this Friday. and then a psychiatrist appt July 11th, I think.
All these appts are nerve wracking but necessary and I'm dreading this week because I am about to run out of the tranquilizer I have been taking by my last dr. for two months now and I am going to be in trouble when I run out since its helped my anxiety immensely and made me able to sleep at nite and avoid intense insomnia. Without it, I am destined for being up all nite, being anxious and not getting any good restful sleep. I am worried/stressed over that and will have to struggle/suffer til the July appt and even then I cannot guarantee that dr [who will be new to me] will even prescribe the tranquilizer I was put on. Unfortunately I've become dependent on it as I've tried taking benadryl and other herbal sleep drugs for years, none of them worked. Only the tranquilizer [lorazepam] worked. :/
The anxiety about the above thing occurring is overwhelming and dreadful. I have 8 anxiety pills left and am prescribed three a day as needed. I usually take b/t two and three a night and it takes the edge off of my anxiety, manic feelings. What am I going to do when I run out? I am screwed and it IS stressing me out.
I hope to god that new psychiatrist will re-prescribe the benzodiazepene for me OR at least put me on an anti-anxiety medication. I already know it is a given I will have to be put back on a low dosage of depakote and I am less than thrilled but I know no other way to gain control of mood swings or restabilize myself. :/ I promise to catch up as soon as I am feeling better than this.
I woke up having an asthma attack this morning triggered by Jimmy's perfume and hairspraying. He uses both a lot and I asked him last year to use his hairspray in the bathroom separate from our master bedroom because that is how much it bothers my breathing and he has done that ever since but he always sprays perfume in our bedroom and they are very strong scents he wears.
When my asthma is not bothering me or it is a season where I feel less bothered by allergies, I can handle it. But, I am not able to handle it right now because of this past week's INTENSE asthma troubles that have not gone away at all. I know it sounds silly if you've never had asthma in your life as I don't think Jimmy entirely gets it, but when my asthma is bad or present, anything will trigger it especially very strong scents of anything whether it be perfume, hairspray, fabric softener or highly scented candles. among many other things.
I was upset when I was triggered this morning but I don't think Jimmy completely understood it is because I am struggling to keep the asthma under control and it is feeling really bad right now. It felt a little better yesterday but is back to being worse than ever because of the perfume trigger this morning and I barely slept. He apologized and I know it was not on purpose but I got irritated since Ive many a time explained to him what asthma involves and sent him many articles on what triggers it.
I just want to be able to breathe but my chest has been so tight today and almost everyday in the past week. :/
Saturday, June 14, 2008
one of my most cherished mementos.
here is an example of something my brother did when we were in highschool, prob in his class. he used to always doodle and it was something i found years ago left in my parents home when he moved out, so i made sure to take it with me and its always been in my sentimental collection of those days. i always loved my brother's creative doodlings and especially how he linked it to cool music that we were both into. allister and i were really close in highschool and were very much into the same style, music and film. this is one wonderful example of our connection.
i've always looked up to allister, wanted to be more like him, admired his artistic and creative ways and was inspired by him. he lives in san francisco and right now he is in tokyo, japan for the very first time on vacation and i envy him that. what a cool place to be esp anyone inspired by japanese art, culture, and style. he is a graphic artist by the way and a gifted photographer :)
here is a sample of his work which ironically relates to that song 100 years by the cure that makes me so emotional - this is very sentimental and i share it because it is one of my most treasured and cherished mementos. he'd probably be embarrassed if i were writing so much hype on this and his artistic talents and sharing this because he is modest. and i don't even know if he knows i kept this piece of his and have always loved it.
here it is- i know he is my brother but i still think it is way cool and shows just how artistic/creative my brother is. i'd love to be more like him! :)
ps sorry it is yellowed because it has aged. this must be from back in 1988 or 1989. i tried to preserve it best as i could and its in a sheet protector right now. i love stuff like this. my memories are everything to me and yes, i am extremely sentimental so excuse me for being so mushy :))))
i've always looked up to allister, wanted to be more like him, admired his artistic and creative ways and was inspired by him. he lives in san francisco and right now he is in tokyo, japan for the very first time on vacation and i envy him that. what a cool place to be esp anyone inspired by japanese art, culture, and style. he is a graphic artist by the way and a gifted photographer :)
here is a sample of his work which ironically relates to that song 100 years by the cure that makes me so emotional - this is very sentimental and i share it because it is one of my most treasured and cherished mementos. he'd probably be embarrassed if i were writing so much hype on this and his artistic talents and sharing this because he is modest. and i don't even know if he knows i kept this piece of his and have always loved it.
here it is- i know he is my brother but i still think it is way cool and shows just how artistic/creative my brother is. i'd love to be more like him! :)
ps sorry it is yellowed because it has aged. this must be from back in 1988 or 1989. i tried to preserve it best as i could and its in a sheet protector right now. i love stuff like this. my memories are everything to me and yes, i am extremely sentimental so excuse me for being so mushy :))))
the whirlwind of life + wedding invite designs.
we got our free samples from invitations by dawn today in the mail. when i hear the name dawn, i am always reminded of my friend who committed suicide in feb. of 2007 who shares that name. still haunts me, hard to forget.
in any case, really pleased with colors and styles. not the most expensive quality but definite possibilities. i think i love the first one best although i love the second one almost as much, the lavender butterfly one. and the third one is pretty and its charming however a bit chintzy in design and flimsy in paper, it might easily rip or fall apart so i'm hesitant but i'll get jimmy's opinion and thoughts when he gets home later this evening. he has not seen them yet and i am so excited for him to get home so i can get his feedback.
my fiance is at his parents right now as he took his nephew back. they spent all morning, afternoon and evening yesterday- friday- at universal studios and islands of adventure theme parks going on scary rides. its not my cup of tea so i stayed home alone and just relaxed and revelled in me time. i didn't even log onto my blog as i find it hard to do much of anything where i share my personal thoughts/feelings when we have a visitor.
"G" is 18 and was constantly using my computer. i am just paranoid of my privacy being violated by accident or my personal writings/thoughts being found here. i want my private place away from my fiance and his family although jimmy does know about this diary i write in somewhat and sometimes i share some of my writings with him via email. in any case, he gets home in a few hours.
for now, just sharing these wedding invite styles!!
this week has been a whirlwind and i havent been online to write much in the past week due to constant engagements [social] and having a guest at our place for several days. more later :)
here are the three wedding designs for those interested - i welcome thoughts/opinions on these!!
in any case, really pleased with colors and styles. not the most expensive quality but definite possibilities. i think i love the first one best although i love the second one almost as much, the lavender butterfly one. and the third one is pretty and its charming however a bit chintzy in design and flimsy in paper, it might easily rip or fall apart so i'm hesitant but i'll get jimmy's opinion and thoughts when he gets home later this evening. he has not seen them yet and i am so excited for him to get home so i can get his feedback.
my fiance is at his parents right now as he took his nephew back. they spent all morning, afternoon and evening yesterday- friday- at universal studios and islands of adventure theme parks going on scary rides. its not my cup of tea so i stayed home alone and just relaxed and revelled in me time. i didn't even log onto my blog as i find it hard to do much of anything where i share my personal thoughts/feelings when we have a visitor.
"G" is 18 and was constantly using my computer. i am just paranoid of my privacy being violated by accident or my personal writings/thoughts being found here. i want my private place away from my fiance and his family although jimmy does know about this diary i write in somewhat and sometimes i share some of my writings with him via email. in any case, he gets home in a few hours.
for now, just sharing these wedding invite styles!!
this week has been a whirlwind and i havent been online to write much in the past week due to constant engagements [social] and having a guest at our place for several days. more later :)
here are the three wedding designs for those interested - i welcome thoughts/opinions on these!!
best band ever- local tampa insight on cure show-
see my insights, thoughts on the cure concert along with our personal pix from the show in the following entry.
i thought this copy and paste of other peoples insights on the cure concert in my local tampa area via a blog site was pretty fascinating, and interesting enough to share since some of their sentiments could echo mine. they seemed to have a closer view than us - however- so their experience sounded a little more personalized and up close, more exciting than ours!
read below:
I forgot to factor in the eccentric crowd that would attend a Cure show in Tampa--home of goth clubs like the Castle and full characters like that Peter Pan Wannabee (http://www.pixyland.org/peterpan/). They, along with Porl Thompson, made me think that Hot Topic sponsored the event and gave everybody new outfits.
Like I said about Ultra Fest last year, the band sounds better than ever. If they can keep touring every few years and play like they did last night, that would be the best. I am curious, however, how much longer they'll keep up with as much energy. The previous tour reviews are correct, Robert's unable to keep those high notes on Prayers for Rain and Wrong Number. By the encores, Porl was darting off stage, fatigued, and Robert kept panting from sheer exhaustion.
When I walked out, I also had to think through what the setlist was, I could only recall singles and new stuff at first--but then I remembered they played the Catch, The Blood, Kyoto song. It was a good show, overall, but no big surprises.
I must address, however, the bizarre qualities of this show. It is to no surprise that Cure fans are now in their 40's and even 50's, but it's kind of weird to see a mother/daughter team at the front of the stage holding a sign that says, "Why Can't I Do You?" What is even worse is then when I stood next to them, possible since a lot of people began leaving the floor in the encores, the mom says to me, "You can't be up front here unless you wanna fuck Robert Smith too!"
She kept flapping her cardboard sign at him, and eventually Smith mouthed with a look of annoyance, "Yeah, Okay, I know..." What else could she expect from a guy who has been practically married since the seventh grade.
For the first time ever, I found myself at the semi-truck parking lot amidst a crowd of other Cure fans awaiting the band's exit. Although the security was not lying when they said the band had left, I remained for quite awhile talking to some real pieces of work that wanted autographs and such. I met two women who were friends with an Italian guy who looks just like Robert Smith and sings in a cover band from Italy. They expressed surprise that Robert did not give him backstage tickets. I don't think I would do such at every one of my shows either. After you meet a guy who emulates you so much that he spends his life doing and looking everything the same way you do, with what qualities of such a mime could you ever forge more than a greeting and a thank you for being a fan? I think I would want to get the hell away from someone that so scarily copied me.
I also encountered a middle-aged blond wearing a shirt stating, "Robert Smith is God" who proceeded to jump the fence and hide beneath 65's bus. It is one thing to, by chance, meet a band, greet them, tell them some frame of reference as to why you like them as much as you do, but calling someone God? That has got to be one of the tackiest shirts I have ever come across on ebay.
I think I can only give some credit to the young kids standing out there, quietly, for a glimpse of the band. Hoping they may have a chance to mingle, get a photo, a handshake. As for the obnoxious middle-aged men with voices like Chris Farley who scream for pictures of roadies, wear black eyeliner, and drunkenly staggering... I could only look away from such embarrassing elements.
No wonder why they get into a discreet car and bolt--in a place like Tampa.
And lastly, the merchandising.... Will the Cure just let someone younger design their shirts? The stuff is so in your face. 4TOUR- THE CURE - ALL OVER THIS SHIRT! The one somewhat decent thing I saw was an army jacket that had the cure 4tour logo, but Modest Mouse and Dead Meadow had the same thing. Really.... something more subtle, maybe a graphic without the name? The band would make more money if they weren't merchandising that run-of-the-mill band merchandising company garbage where they just point at "cool" looking stuff in a brochure and order 5,000 in every size. I think the cure shirts stopped looking good 1987.
Keep in mind, that this all comes from probably the worst kind of Cure fan--one critical of the others...
But then again, I didn't see anyone else singing every word to every song except for me, and the head count was, what, 7,600?
Like I said about Ultra Fest last year, the band sounds better than ever. If they can keep touring every few years and play like they did last night, that would be the best. I am curious, however, how much longer they'll keep up with as much energy. The previous tour reviews are correct, Robert's unable to keep those high notes on Prayers for Rain and Wrong Number. By the encores, Porl was darting off stage, fatigued, and Robert kept panting from sheer exhaustion.
When I walked out, I also had to think through what the setlist was, I could only recall singles and new stuff at first--but then I remembered they played the Catch, The Blood, Kyoto song. It was a good show, overall, but no big surprises.
I must address, however, the bizarre qualities of this show. It is to no surprise that Cure fans are now in their 40's and even 50's, but it's kind of weird to see a mother/daughter team at the front of the stage holding a sign that says, "Why Can't I Do You?" What is even worse is then when I stood next to them, possible since a lot of people began leaving the floor in the encores, the mom says to me, "You can't be up front here unless you wanna fuck Robert Smith too!"
She kept flapping her cardboard sign at him, and eventually Smith mouthed with a look of annoyance, "Yeah, Okay, I know..." What else could she expect from a guy who has been practically married since the seventh grade.
For the first time ever, I found myself at the semi-truck parking lot amidst a crowd of other Cure fans awaiting the band's exit. Although the security was not lying when they said the band had left, I remained for quite awhile talking to some real pieces of work that wanted autographs and such. I met two women who were friends with an Italian guy who looks just like Robert Smith and sings in a cover band from Italy. They expressed surprise that Robert did not give him backstage tickets. I don't think I would do such at every one of my shows either. After you meet a guy who emulates you so much that he spends his life doing and looking everything the same way you do, with what qualities of such a mime could you ever forge more than a greeting and a thank you for being a fan? I think I would want to get the hell away from someone that so scarily copied me.
I also encountered a middle-aged blond wearing a shirt stating, "Robert Smith is God" who proceeded to jump the fence and hide beneath 65's bus. It is one thing to, by chance, meet a band, greet them, tell them some frame of reference as to why you like them as much as you do, but calling someone God? That has got to be one of the tackiest shirts I have ever come across on ebay.
I think I can only give some credit to the young kids standing out there, quietly, for a glimpse of the band. Hoping they may have a chance to mingle, get a photo, a handshake. As for the obnoxious middle-aged men with voices like Chris Farley who scream for pictures of roadies, wear black eyeliner, and drunkenly staggering... I could only look away from such embarrassing elements.
No wonder why they get into a discreet car and bolt--in a place like Tampa.
And lastly, the merchandising.... Will the Cure just let someone younger design their shirts? The stuff is so in your face. 4TOUR- THE CURE - ALL OVER THIS SHIRT! The one somewhat decent thing I saw was an army jacket that had the cure 4tour logo, but Modest Mouse and Dead Meadow had the same thing. Really.... something more subtle, maybe a graphic without the name? The band would make more money if they weren't merchandising that run-of-the-mill band merchandising company garbage where they just point at "cool" looking stuff in a brochure and order 5,000 in every size. I think the cure shirts stopped looking good 1987.
Keep in mind, that this all comes from probably the worst kind of Cure fan--one critical of the others...
But then again, I didn't see anyone else singing every word to every song except for me, and the head count was, what, 7,600?
- Eric W.
I bought tickets for this show last year (before the tour postponement) which fell on our first child's due date. I'm confident in saying that I was the only Cure fan happy to see the show rescheduled for June 2008. Saved a LOT of money on a divorce!! So, with my 8 month old home with Mom, safe and sound, I attended the show with my long time Cure buddy from NY, who flew down for the show.
This show was unbelievable!! Goose bumps from start to finish. Underneath the Stars was brilliant. Great opener, really setting the mood for the anticipation of the new CD this fall (hopefully.) I don't know if it was because we were in the 3rd row along side the stage, but this was the best Cure show I've seen since the Prayer Tour @ Giant Stadium. What made this show my absolute favorite of the 14 shows I've seen was finally being able to see 'Shake Dog Shake'. I've been chasing them all over the country for the last 2 tours to try to catch that one, but keep missing it. Thought for sure they would have played it in Miami last year, but no. On my life's 'things to do list', I can finally check off that one! Sounded as good, if not better than the 'Orange' show.
Porl is a madman. If Adam Jones ever leaves Tool, Porl is their guy. In fact, they should recruit him anyway...he's a perfect fit. Simon and Jason were in pristine form. Robert looked especially crazy last night! Last night was the best I've seen him look since '89.
If I'm not mistaken, they played ALL of the new songs (b-sides not included) at this show. All were great, but I think Baby Rag Dog Book was extraordinary. Jason was flawless. He went right from 100 Years into Baby Rag Dog Book! Porl, Robert, and Simon gave him a few seconds to wipe his face with a towel and then it was game on. That was approx. 10 straight minutes of serious hammering away on the drums!! Nothing against Jason, but until last night I've always favored Boris Williams as their best drummer throughout the various lineup changes. I was proven otherwise last night. Jason is to Boris as Ringo Starr is to Pete Best. This is by far the most energetic of the new songs and has me salivating for the studio version. I can only describe this song as 'Push' meets 'Disintegration' on 4 shots of espresso!
I don't want to sound greedy, but I was hoping to catch some other 'oldies' that they've been sprinkling in like Letter to Elise, Play for Today, Figurehead, etc. 'Catch' was a great surprise as was 'To Wish Impossible Things'. Glad Robert attempted that one again now that his voice was tip-top. Sounded much better than the Red Rocks version. He seemed to put a lot of effort into "....it was the hope of all we might have been". Excellent.
Songs like Kyoto, HHH, & Wrong Number are wasted on me, but they did sound phenomenal. During Wrong Number, when Robert says "hello? are you still there? Hello?", he switched up with repeating "HELLO?" "HELLO?" "HELLOOOOOOO?" to get the crowd going, as if it was needed!
You can always spot the long time Cure fans at any show by these three things:
1. During ANY new song, the novices sit down. Old fans remain standing.
2. During 'Fascination Street' when he sings 'move to the beat' the veterans pump their fists 3 times during that part.
3. During 'FTEOTDGS', the veterans "....put their hands in the sky".
4. Forest had an extra long intro and was by far the best version I've ever seen them do. As the band typically breaks down to just Simon at the end, Robert was going OFF!!! He sounded like he was about to fade out, and then went nuts and started back up again! Then Simon went crazy on the bass and dropped it by the amp, walking offstage with feedback blaring! Robert made a grimacing face, and walked over to his pedal and shut if off. Then he went back to his mike and said "Goodnight. See you again soon!"
Let me know when, so we can plan the birth of our next child a little better!!!
Anyone going to any remaining shows are in for a treat, especially the Radio City show.... the closer is usually their best performance! The way they've been mixing up their setlists, that's going to be full of surprises!!!
P.S. SHAME ON YOU, TAMPA!!!! HALF-FULL VENUE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
- Skottydog
I went alone since my wife was in Dallas. The opening band was interesting but I think I got a little tired of them once the sound samples started getting to be too much.
Underneath the Stars was incredible. I also really enjoyed The Blood, Catch, Fascination Street, and wow - Wish Impossible Things. I've waited awhile to hear that one.
No one near me wanted to move or dance at the show. Now I can do an awesome spazmic 'man having a stroke' dance as a tribute to my hatred of rhythm. And since I was the only one doing it for several rows in either direction (I was the spaz in 103 D - passing his binoculars around, and yes, wearing khaki shorts), I'm sure I earned a few snickers. At least I didn't know anyone near me .
Then all the pop songs started and people sort of responded to those.
All in all, I'm glad I went, but I was a little disappointed by all the pop singles. If they'd have traded out Let's Go to Bed and WCIBY for M and Holy Hour it would have been the best show ever.
Last note, I saw the best Robert Smith impression I'd seen in awhile. I think the man, an Italian, said his name was Paulo. He sat a little far from me or I'd have introduced myself.
I hope everyone had a good time.
- Scott M
hey everyone. i just got back from the tampa show, and yes, the crowd was about as enthusiastic as a bowl of soggy corn flakes. my friend and i actually ended up scooting down a bit to a few row of empty seats just to the right of the mixing area. no one, i repeat NO ONE in the area i was previously in stood up at all. lame. kind of a standard set, but it was great to hear kyoto song and catch. freakshow was great live! i especially loved robert's little swimming dance. UTS was epic, but sadly, i don't think the crowd grapsed the oh hell yes! aspect of it. definitely a weird mix of people, with the hardcore fans being outnumbered by fuddy duddys in khakis shorts and what not. the highlight for me...easy. sneaking past an unmanned curtain on the 100 level and watching them soundcheck charlotte sometimes. robert was wearing his shorts! it also seemed that porl's guitar was kind of low in the mix at times, most evident on fteotdgs. robert appeared to be having a great time and was talkative. after freakshow, he said something to the effect of, "we've practiced this one a lot, but i keep fucking up the lyrics. seems simple enough, right?" before hot x 3, he said, "what it's been for the last fucking 3 days or so..." all in all yes, a standard show, but very high energy from the band. let's hope that milquetoast crowd stays at home when they hit sunrise, fl!
- November Trilogy
I bought tickets for this show last year (before the tour postponement) which fell on our first child's due date. I'm confident in saying that I was the only Cure fan happy to see the show rescheduled for June 2008. Saved a LOT of money on a divorce!! So, with my 8 month old home with Mom, safe and sound, I attended the show with my long time Cure buddy from NY, who flew down for the show.
This show was unbelievable!! Goose bumps from start to finish. Underneath the Stars was brilliant. Great opener, really setting the mood for the anticipation of the new CD this fall (hopefully.) I don't know if it was because we were in the 3rd row along side the stage, but this was the best Cure show I've seen since the Prayer Tour @ Giant Stadium. What made this show my absolute favorite of the 14 shows I've seen was finally being able to see 'Shake Dog Shake'. I've been chasing them all over the country for the last 2 tours to try to catch that one, but keep missing it. Thought for sure they would have played it in Miami last year, but no. On my life's 'things to do list', I can finally check off that one! Sounded as good, if not better than the 'Orange' show.
Porl is a madman. If Adam Jones ever leaves Tool, Porl is their guy. In fact, they should recruit him anyway...he's a perfect fit. Simon and Jason were in pristine form. Robert looked especially crazy last night! Last night was the best I've seen him look since '89.
If I'm not mistaken, they played ALL of the new songs (b-sides not included) at this show. All were great, but I think Baby Rag Dog Book was extraordinary. Jason was flawless. He went right from 100 Years into Baby Rag Dog Book! Porl, Robert, and Simon gave him a few seconds to wipe his face with a towel and then it was game on. That was approx. 10 straight minutes of serious hammering away on the drums!! Nothing against Jason, but until last night I've always favored Boris Williams as their best drummer throughout the various lineup changes. I was proven otherwise last night. Jason is to Boris as Ringo Starr is to Pete Best. This is by far the most energetic of the new songs and has me salivating for the studio version. I can only describe this song as 'Push' meets 'Disintegration' on 4 shots of espresso!
I don't want to sound greedy, but I was hoping to catch some other 'oldies' that they've been sprinkling in like Letter to Elise, Play for Today, Figurehead, etc. 'Catch' was a great surprise as was 'To Wish Impossible Things'. Glad Robert attempted that one again now that his voice was tip-top. Sounded much better than the Red Rocks version. He seemed to put a lot of effort into "....it was the hope of all we might have been". Excellent.
Songs like Kyoto, HHH, & Wrong Number are wasted on me, but they did sound phenomenal. During Wrong Number, when Robert says "hello? are you still there? Hello?", he switched up with repeating "HELLO?" "HELLO?" "HELLOOOOOOO?" to get the crowd going, as if it was needed!
You can always spot the long time Cure fans at any show by these three things:
1. During ANY new song, the novices sit down. Old fans remain standing.
2. During 'Fascination Street' when he sings 'move to the beat' the veterans pump their fists 3 times during that part.
3. During 'FTEOTDGS', the veterans "....put their hands in the sky".
4. Forest had an extra long intro and was by far the best version I've ever seen them do. As the band typically breaks down to just Simon at the end, Robert was going OFF!!! He sounded like he was about to fade out, and then went nuts and started back up again! Then Simon went crazy on the bass and dropped it by the amp, walking offstage with feedback blaring! Robert made a grimacing face, and walked over to his pedal and shut if off. Then he went back to his mike and said "Goodnight. See you again soon!"
Let me know when, so we can plan the birth of our next child a little better!!!
Anyone going to any remaining shows are in for a treat, especially the Radio City show.... the closer is usually their best performance! The way they've been mixing up their setlists, that's going to be full of surprises!!!
P.S. SHAME ON YOU, TAMPA!!!! HALF-FULL VENUE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
- Skottydog
I went alone since my wife was in Dallas. The opening band was interesting but I think I got a little tired of them once the sound samples started getting to be too much.
Underneath the Stars was incredible. I also really enjoyed The Blood, Catch, Fascination Street, and wow - Wish Impossible Things. I've waited awhile to hear that one.
No one near me wanted to move or dance at the show. Now I can do an awesome spazmic 'man having a stroke' dance as a tribute to my hatred of rhythm. And since I was the only one doing it for several rows in either direction (I was the spaz in 103 D - passing his binoculars around, and yes, wearing khaki shorts), I'm sure I earned a few snickers. At least I didn't know anyone near me .
Then all the pop songs started and people sort of responded to those.
All in all, I'm glad I went, but I was a little disappointed by all the pop singles. If they'd have traded out Let's Go to Bed and WCIBY for M and Holy Hour it would have been the best show ever.
Last note, I saw the best Robert Smith impression I'd seen in awhile. I think the man, an Italian, said his name was Paulo. He sat a little far from me or I'd have introduced myself.
I hope everyone had a good time.
- Scott M
hey everyone. i just got back from the tampa show, and yes, the crowd was about as enthusiastic as a bowl of soggy corn flakes. my friend and i actually ended up scooting down a bit to a few row of empty seats just to the right of the mixing area. no one, i repeat NO ONE in the area i was previously in stood up at all. lame. kind of a standard set, but it was great to hear kyoto song and catch. freakshow was great live! i especially loved robert's little swimming dance. UTS was epic, but sadly, i don't think the crowd grapsed the oh hell yes! aspect of it. definitely a weird mix of people, with the hardcore fans being outnumbered by fuddy duddys in khakis shorts and what not. the highlight for me...easy. sneaking past an unmanned curtain on the 100 level and watching them soundcheck charlotte sometimes. robert was wearing his shorts! it also seemed that porl's guitar was kind of low in the mix at times, most evident on fteotdgs. robert appeared to be having a great time and was talkative. after freakshow, he said something to the effect of, "we've practiced this one a lot, but i keep fucking up the lyrics. seems simple enough, right?" before hot x 3, he said, "what it's been for the last fucking 3 days or so..." all in all yes, a standard show, but very high energy from the band. let's hope that milquetoast crowd stays at home when they hit sunrise, fl!
- November Trilogy
Monday, June 9, 2008
Anton Corbijn's Control- Means to an End!
Tonite, we are watching the biopic that came out this past year called "control" about both of our fave band of the past!
Joy Division
It is about lead singer Ian Curtis' life, who committed suicide and seemed to suffer from some form of depression or mental illness.
Later the band became New Order- another band we both listened to a lot growing up as teens and both of us have a lot of Joy division and new order cds. these two bands are like my roots and have always been close to my heart.
I will share some mini reviews I scanned on 'Control' in the past few mos which I gathered from a magazine I subscribe to. There have been a lot of great write ups on this film.
See Nylon article below, published in 2008:
A Means to an End.
Joy Division
It is about lead singer Ian Curtis' life, who committed suicide and seemed to suffer from some form of depression or mental illness.
Later the band became New Order- another band we both listened to a lot growing up as teens and both of us have a lot of Joy division and new order cds. these two bands are like my roots and have always been close to my heart.
I will share some mini reviews I scanned on 'Control' in the past few mos which I gathered from a magazine I subscribe to. There have been a lot of great write ups on this film.
See Nylon article below, published in 2008:
A Means to an End.
full speed ahead-- too much coming up!!!
Life has been so busy lately. Last Friday, I had a dental intensive type cleaning and that in itself was draining. I still have to go for b/t two to four intensive scaling/rooting cleanings that will cost thousands of dollars. My fiance was not very pleased about it since I have zero money or credit to pay for any of it and he'd have to pay. So, i have to wait til after we are married to get that done and to get 2 root canals that I was told I need to get. Another few thousand. I bet after everything is done - it will cost almost ten thousand dollars. It's BS!! The only thing my insurance covers is fillings which I need three done. I have an appt for one on June 20th.
Then Saturday, we went and looked at homes and after seeing the major difference in what we can afford, it was downright mostly disappointing and depressing. I was drained after it all and had a bit of argument since I was the one stuck in the backseat with barely any air conditioning while the two of them [real estate agent yvette and jimmy] were up in front nice and cool.
I started to feel sick because it was too hot back there and we spent several hours driving, stopping and looking at About ten homes. Not once was I offered a front seat and actually every time we've looked - I have been in the backseat forgotten and it's as if I am not even really there while the two of them carry on a convo but only make minimal attempts to include me in it. I often wonder why I am there since it seems as if it is the two of them looking and me just in the background -nonexistant.
We were in Yvette's small sporty mercedes car and it was about 97 degrees in florida that day. In any case, I blew up and both of them acted like I was making a big deal of nothing or overreacting. I felt like screaming why don't you switch places and sit back here then maybe you would lose your smug attitude because you have no idea - I was dying and sweating.
I began to feel extremely nauseaus, from heat dehydration, not eating and being in there for hours and developed a mjaor migraine headache. I had a drink and some excedrin which I took in the backseat but I increasingly began to feel sick because of the heat and both of them were oblvious because they were not hot, they were nice and cool in front in fact complaining of being too cold.
By the time we got home, I had spent hrs on the couch trying to get rid of nauseaus stomach and pounding headache and drained heat exhaustion feeling. I had to take a nap for a few hrs before I could even feel better and I was upset about the whole day on the whole and irritated.
She, the realestate lady, made a sarcastic joke to me which nearly made me explode at her but I kept it in because I didn't want to attack her. She said laughing, "maybe we should switch and you can do the driving instead" She was the one driving and knows full well I don't drive so it was sarcastic. She knows I do not have a driver's license let alone do I even know how to drive. She was being rude. Most of that day was ruined by this incident.
We got pix of some of the homes but other than two, that were acceptable and nice, I was none too excited about most of it. We are putting in bids today and I will post pix another time when I know more about what is going on, if its serious, if we have a chance and when I regain my energy from that stress inducing experience. I am still drained from Saturday and emotionally zapped.
I don't want to share pix about the homes bid on until I know things are more final as I'm still irritated about the wasted time since the things I posted in the last few mos are now VOID since they were removed from our list due to being unable to afford any of them because our incompetent real estate agent ditz didn't inform us or lay out any guideline instead she took us to places out of our range. It's not because she was doing it on purpose to waste time, it is because she is a bit of a ditz and not the smartest real estate agent to be blunt. In my opinion- she is not competent or very good at her job based on our last few appts with her and its obvious to me she needs some classes to brush up on her skills and facts.
Btw she also informed us nonchalantly on saturday that the one in sand key lane [6009 street address] was taken off the market because the woman is very pregnant and about to give birth and just didn't want to have to deal with selling a home right now or anything, I guess.
Anyway, so that was our weekend. and we've got a busy week this one. I need to start cleaning right now in fact. I feel my week is going to be overly packed and hope I can handle it.
Mini idea of what is going on this week and other upcoming things that are pertinent:
-June 9th- clean apt
-June10th- Shell's seafood dinner - Shell's restaurant and the ALS foundation is holding a dinner to honor my fiance's father who is struggling and has been suffering from ALS for some time now, maybe about ten years. Most don't live as long as he has. He is lucky he is still alive but he has major problems and in my opinion has become worst. Last week he fell, you lose control of your motor skills. and Jimmy's mom had to take the dad to the ER. He got seven stitches in his head for it. I can't even imagine how hard this is for his mom and dad. It makes me feel so bad for them both.
-June 11th- we are seeing The Cure in concert wed. evening at the st. pete times forum center!!
-June 12th- driving halfway to meet my fiance's parents [about forty minutes. halfway to their home is about forty mins which is long enough to me], to pick up Gage, my fiance's 18 year old nephew who is in town for a week or two now and flew in from IL last week. We are having dinner with them at some italian restaurant and then getting him on thurs. nite. He will spend the nite. Then, Friday Jimmy is taking his nephew to possibly universal studios islands of adventures or some theme park in Orlando with rides. I'm not going cos its not my cup of tea LOL
I hate roller coasters, fast rides, scary rides. any rough rides LOL... I only like rides that are like for babies or little kids like the carousel or ferris wheel or a very basic "kid friendly" roller coaster that doesn't go to dangerously sideways or anywhere that would feel like or be "upside down." In general, any wild rides will cause my heart to race, palpitate, and cause a panic or asthma attack. The anxiety is unbearable and the way I feel on those rides, scared, dizzy, nauseaus w/ a headache afterwards will never be worth it for me to suffer thru.
Jimmy loves these rides and I think he thinks its strange I dont like amusement parks or rides. Once in the past, he had tried to get me to try some fast race car ride (at Epcot) and I felt so pressured by him that when we got up to it, I was having an anxiety and asthma attack and ran off - told him forget it - and that I would not be going on that, and as far as I was concerned, he could go by himself. I was angry cos he had been pushing me and saying even little kids and little girls were going on these rides therefore if they could, I could too. etc etc. He pretty much diminished the way I felt. Whatever. I made sure to let him know that night how unvalidated he made me feel and how wrong I felt he was. I mean, if I say something causes me anxiety, panic, and I can't breathe, then It DOES. I dont care how f***ing old I am or if a little kid can go on w/o any fear, sickness or anxiety. Just because a kid can do what I cannot do (and likes it) doesn't mean that my feelings are not real and doesn't mean I have to make myself like something I do not like. It doesn't and should not make my feelings any less credible and it certainly doesn't mean how I feel should go by unvalidated. He learned big time after this incident last year.
I get frustrated sometimes because I feel that J. doesn't easily see other people's viewpoints aside from his own. In other words if he loves a certain food that I hate, then its irrational to him why I hate it. Same goes for if I hate fast scary rides, it's hard for him to understand why - it is as if he feels that I haven't given something enough of a chance or tried hard enough. I get very frustrated and angry whenever I feel him insinuating this about anything I tell him i dislike [be it food, film, scary rides or whatever my personal tastes or dislikes in life]
Anyway, my fiance is having his nephew Gage spend the nite thursday. I hope it goes ok since he is so shy , quiet and I wouldn't know what to talk about or do. Also I am accustomed to being able to watch tv late after two am in the living room, go out there to smoke if i want or on my computer if bored or cant sleep but with him staying here, I won't be able to do any of those things and will prob be trapped in our bedroom all nite by midnite which sucks. I don't like feeling caged in my own place and since he is sleeping on our couch in the living room and its an open room, its like you can't go to the kitchen, office, patio or living room w/out disturbing the person sleeping there.
Then friday- June 13th they are going to some Orlando theme park like universal studios. I opted to stay home as it would be useless for me to go since I hate all rides. Also I hate lines, loud people in crowds and most of all I hate hot weather and standing in it for hours. That is what it will be like from what I can recall and I would much rather not have to go, so I'm not. Plus, it is expensive and not worth it to go if you aren't going to participate. I don't know when they will get home, maybe that nite and Gage will spend the nite one more nite and stay part of saturday so as I said it will be a busy week without much privacy. I dont really look forward to that aspect but hopefully it will be good.
I have a lot of dr. oriented appts upcoming and that in itself will be draining, I think. Plus, we still have so much to do with our upcoming wedding which we havent done yet [find and order invitations/ choose groomswear/ hire florist/ choose and order our wedding cake at alessi bakery/ find and contract with photographer/ choose songs we want at reception/wedding, find pianist to play bride entrance to before vows, wedding song theme down the aisle and prob something else I forgot!
I also need to hire a hairstylist at a salon for updo and wedding makeup, need to have eyebrows tweezed/waxed to shape. So much to do!! In addition..I need to find shoes and undergarments/lingerie for the strapless wedding gown so the dress will look right on me and fitted and also need alterations for the wedding gown itself.
Anyway doctor oriented appts I have in the next month are as follows below:
~June 20th filling at dentist appt
~June 27th first appt with new primary care physician doctor in tampa, need advair refill for asthma
~July 11th psychiatrist- first time appt for bipolar disorder. need refill of ativan [tranquilizer], possibly consider options for a low dose mood stabilizer such as depakote. possibly but still very hesitant.
Anyway, that is all for now. i will update as new things occur. Right now, I have some house work I have to start on before our house guest comes this week and too much to do to get ready in general LOL !
+++
We saw "I'm Not There" over the weekend. it was artistic in part but some of it we didn't get really because it kept mixing stories of others and seemed more fiction/fantasy based than factual. I'm not a bob dylan fan at all, in fact I dont get his music or style at all and it annoys me however my fiance loves his stuff :) Cate Blanchett was incredible as expected but she was the only part of the film that was good to me. The end part was overall confusing to both Jimmy and I. It lost us totally. the part with the little black kid and country cowboys- I didn't quite understand that part of the film or what it meant and neither did Jimmy.
We also saw "Grace Is Gone" with John Cusack. Jimmy said he thought it was good but I thought it was bland, mediocre, severely lacking more depth and substance altho I agree with him that it was sad and it made both of our eyes tear up. I just felt it was really lacking. I feel like since Jimmy idolizes john cusack, he gave it a higher rating than it deserves LOL I love john cusack too but the film would be considered a definite bomb by my standards!!
Anyway that's it for now :)
Then Saturday, we went and looked at homes and after seeing the major difference in what we can afford, it was downright mostly disappointing and depressing. I was drained after it all and had a bit of argument since I was the one stuck in the backseat with barely any air conditioning while the two of them [real estate agent yvette and jimmy] were up in front nice and cool.
I started to feel sick because it was too hot back there and we spent several hours driving, stopping and looking at About ten homes. Not once was I offered a front seat and actually every time we've looked - I have been in the backseat forgotten and it's as if I am not even really there while the two of them carry on a convo but only make minimal attempts to include me in it. I often wonder why I am there since it seems as if it is the two of them looking and me just in the background -nonexistant.
We were in Yvette's small sporty mercedes car and it was about 97 degrees in florida that day. In any case, I blew up and both of them acted like I was making a big deal of nothing or overreacting. I felt like screaming why don't you switch places and sit back here then maybe you would lose your smug attitude because you have no idea - I was dying and sweating.
I began to feel extremely nauseaus, from heat dehydration, not eating and being in there for hours and developed a mjaor migraine headache. I had a drink and some excedrin which I took in the backseat but I increasingly began to feel sick because of the heat and both of them were oblvious because they were not hot, they were nice and cool in front in fact complaining of being too cold.
By the time we got home, I had spent hrs on the couch trying to get rid of nauseaus stomach and pounding headache and drained heat exhaustion feeling. I had to take a nap for a few hrs before I could even feel better and I was upset about the whole day on the whole and irritated.
She, the realestate lady, made a sarcastic joke to me which nearly made me explode at her but I kept it in because I didn't want to attack her. She said laughing, "maybe we should switch and you can do the driving instead" She was the one driving and knows full well I don't drive so it was sarcastic. She knows I do not have a driver's license let alone do I even know how to drive. She was being rude. Most of that day was ruined by this incident.
We got pix of some of the homes but other than two, that were acceptable and nice, I was none too excited about most of it. We are putting in bids today and I will post pix another time when I know more about what is going on, if its serious, if we have a chance and when I regain my energy from that stress inducing experience. I am still drained from Saturday and emotionally zapped.
I don't want to share pix about the homes bid on until I know things are more final as I'm still irritated about the wasted time since the things I posted in the last few mos are now VOID since they were removed from our list due to being unable to afford any of them because our incompetent real estate agent ditz didn't inform us or lay out any guideline instead she took us to places out of our range. It's not because she was doing it on purpose to waste time, it is because she is a bit of a ditz and not the smartest real estate agent to be blunt. In my opinion- she is not competent or very good at her job based on our last few appts with her and its obvious to me she needs some classes to brush up on her skills and facts.
Btw she also informed us nonchalantly on saturday that the one in sand key lane [6009 street address] was taken off the market because the woman is very pregnant and about to give birth and just didn't want to have to deal with selling a home right now or anything, I guess.
Anyway, so that was our weekend. and we've got a busy week this one. I need to start cleaning right now in fact. I feel my week is going to be overly packed and hope I can handle it.
Mini idea of what is going on this week and other upcoming things that are pertinent:
-June 9th- clean apt
-June10th- Shell's seafood dinner - Shell's restaurant and the ALS foundation is holding a dinner to honor my fiance's father who is struggling and has been suffering from ALS for some time now, maybe about ten years. Most don't live as long as he has. He is lucky he is still alive but he has major problems and in my opinion has become worst. Last week he fell, you lose control of your motor skills. and Jimmy's mom had to take the dad to the ER. He got seven stitches in his head for it. I can't even imagine how hard this is for his mom and dad. It makes me feel so bad for them both.
-June 11th- we are seeing The Cure in concert wed. evening at the st. pete times forum center!!
-June 12th- driving halfway to meet my fiance's parents [about forty minutes. halfway to their home is about forty mins which is long enough to me], to pick up Gage, my fiance's 18 year old nephew who is in town for a week or two now and flew in from IL last week. We are having dinner with them at some italian restaurant and then getting him on thurs. nite. He will spend the nite. Then, Friday Jimmy is taking his nephew to possibly universal studios islands of adventures or some theme park in Orlando with rides. I'm not going cos its not my cup of tea LOL
I hate roller coasters, fast rides, scary rides. any rough rides LOL... I only like rides that are like for babies or little kids like the carousel or ferris wheel or a very basic "kid friendly" roller coaster that doesn't go to dangerously sideways or anywhere that would feel like or be "upside down." In general, any wild rides will cause my heart to race, palpitate, and cause a panic or asthma attack. The anxiety is unbearable and the way I feel on those rides, scared, dizzy, nauseaus w/ a headache afterwards will never be worth it for me to suffer thru.
Jimmy loves these rides and I think he thinks its strange I dont like amusement parks or rides. Once in the past, he had tried to get me to try some fast race car ride (at Epcot) and I felt so pressured by him that when we got up to it, I was having an anxiety and asthma attack and ran off - told him forget it - and that I would not be going on that, and as far as I was concerned, he could go by himself. I was angry cos he had been pushing me and saying even little kids and little girls were going on these rides therefore if they could, I could too. etc etc. He pretty much diminished the way I felt. Whatever. I made sure to let him know that night how unvalidated he made me feel and how wrong I felt he was. I mean, if I say something causes me anxiety, panic, and I can't breathe, then It DOES. I dont care how f***ing old I am or if a little kid can go on w/o any fear, sickness or anxiety. Just because a kid can do what I cannot do (and likes it) doesn't mean that my feelings are not real and doesn't mean I have to make myself like something I do not like. It doesn't and should not make my feelings any less credible and it certainly doesn't mean how I feel should go by unvalidated. He learned big time after this incident last year.
I get frustrated sometimes because I feel that J. doesn't easily see other people's viewpoints aside from his own. In other words if he loves a certain food that I hate, then its irrational to him why I hate it. Same goes for if I hate fast scary rides, it's hard for him to understand why - it is as if he feels that I haven't given something enough of a chance or tried hard enough. I get very frustrated and angry whenever I feel him insinuating this about anything I tell him i dislike [be it food, film, scary rides or whatever my personal tastes or dislikes in life]
Anyway, my fiance is having his nephew Gage spend the nite thursday. I hope it goes ok since he is so shy , quiet and I wouldn't know what to talk about or do. Also I am accustomed to being able to watch tv late after two am in the living room, go out there to smoke if i want or on my computer if bored or cant sleep but with him staying here, I won't be able to do any of those things and will prob be trapped in our bedroom all nite by midnite which sucks. I don't like feeling caged in my own place and since he is sleeping on our couch in the living room and its an open room, its like you can't go to the kitchen, office, patio or living room w/out disturbing the person sleeping there.
Then friday- June 13th they are going to some Orlando theme park like universal studios. I opted to stay home as it would be useless for me to go since I hate all rides. Also I hate lines, loud people in crowds and most of all I hate hot weather and standing in it for hours. That is what it will be like from what I can recall and I would much rather not have to go, so I'm not. Plus, it is expensive and not worth it to go if you aren't going to participate. I don't know when they will get home, maybe that nite and Gage will spend the nite one more nite and stay part of saturday so as I said it will be a busy week without much privacy. I dont really look forward to that aspect but hopefully it will be good.
I have a lot of dr. oriented appts upcoming and that in itself will be draining, I think. Plus, we still have so much to do with our upcoming wedding which we havent done yet [find and order invitations/ choose groomswear/ hire florist/ choose and order our wedding cake at alessi bakery/ find and contract with photographer/ choose songs we want at reception/wedding, find pianist to play bride entrance to before vows, wedding song theme down the aisle and prob something else I forgot!
I also need to hire a hairstylist at a salon for updo and wedding makeup, need to have eyebrows tweezed/waxed to shape. So much to do!! In addition..I need to find shoes and undergarments/lingerie for the strapless wedding gown so the dress will look right on me and fitted and also need alterations for the wedding gown itself.
Anyway doctor oriented appts I have in the next month are as follows below:
~June 20th filling at dentist appt
~June 27th first appt with new primary care physician doctor in tampa, need advair refill for asthma
~July 11th psychiatrist- first time appt for bipolar disorder. need refill of ativan [tranquilizer], possibly consider options for a low dose mood stabilizer such as depakote. possibly but still very hesitant.
Anyway, that is all for now. i will update as new things occur. Right now, I have some house work I have to start on before our house guest comes this week and too much to do to get ready in general LOL !
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We saw "I'm Not There" over the weekend. it was artistic in part but some of it we didn't get really because it kept mixing stories of others and seemed more fiction/fantasy based than factual. I'm not a bob dylan fan at all, in fact I dont get his music or style at all and it annoys me however my fiance loves his stuff :) Cate Blanchett was incredible as expected but she was the only part of the film that was good to me. The end part was overall confusing to both Jimmy and I. It lost us totally. the part with the little black kid and country cowboys- I didn't quite understand that part of the film or what it meant and neither did Jimmy.
We also saw "Grace Is Gone" with John Cusack. Jimmy said he thought it was good but I thought it was bland, mediocre, severely lacking more depth and substance altho I agree with him that it was sad and it made both of our eyes tear up. I just felt it was really lacking. I feel like since Jimmy idolizes john cusack, he gave it a higher rating than it deserves LOL I love john cusack too but the film would be considered a definite bomb by my standards!!
Anyway that's it for now :)
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