in recovery- have been very sick. [asthma]

i haven't been around or online all week because i have been in pretty bad shape all week b/t struggling to breathe - extreme tightness of chest to the point where all the muscles around my chest/back and my whole torso area has felt stiff / and possibly swollen/inflamed by the asthma symptoms and asthma attacks. to a point where it has been hard to move, eat, lay down, even pee. anything i have to exert energy into or anything that involves having to breathe including talk has been painful due to lack of air / oxygen to breathe because of tightness around lungs.

for those that don't know, asthma makes it where your air passages are almost virtually blocked. its like trying to breathe thru a straw and can feel like someone stepped on your chest and crushed your air passage. i often think of an example. imagine if your air conditioning vent was stepped on and crushed And how the air would barely be able to get through or out of the system. that's how it feels. then on top of that i began getting heart palpitations and fluttering, racing heart that felt so dangerously high.

i got scared to the point where more than one day i wanted to either call an ambulance or go to the emergency room because i was afraid i might die due to lack of air, not being able to breathe, and a racing heart that made me feel like having a heart attack. i assume the racing heart is a result of the medications i am on for asthma and coupled with anxiety in general.

so each and every day this week, in fact every second, minute, hour has been a struggle where i don't know how i can get thru the day or thru anything much longer. i haven't been able to even relax, read, watch tv, or do hobbies enjoyably the way you can when you are "sick" - at least if you have a cold or a flu you can usually lay down and watch tv to pass the miserable time or even read at some point but with asthma this isn't so.

everything that requires breathing feels like torture. including laying down to sleep because laying down worsens the tightness in the chest/lungs and blocks the air passages. and at the same time, my whole chest is so sore from struggling to breathe, that it has hurt to breathe and has been absolute suffering, misery and torture.

i am still not feeling that well but wanted to drop a quick entry to let everyone know i am alive but i am working on recovering and until the asthma attack has been fully treated and healed, i will need a break and not be able to write here. probably will be back and feeling better by the end of the week at the lastest- hopefully.

i should stress that this hasn't been a minor event as its affected every part of my life and jimmy too for which i feel bad over but have no conrol over. during this time, i've had to steer away from watching any tv that involves too much laughing as it only makes my chest tighter and less able to breathe, anything on tv that would trigger upset or fear/anxiety, anything in general in my daily life that evokes emotional upset. for instance, fighting and arguing with someone [with my fiance for instance] and getting upset will trigger my asthma to worsen.

emotional distress and upset effects asthma and worsens it so ive had to steer away from that but have had some arguments where my breathing got worse and i was crying because i was so upset and frustrated over the feeling i cant breathe or do anything and i feel tormented.

also, i have not been able to go anywhere much all week. i have gone grocery shopping twice but even that was difficult as going out in the humid weather or being in public seems to exacerbate the asthma. it is also completely triggered by hot and humid weather, allergens/pollen in the air and environmental elements which florida is full of esp during this season. it has not been a good week and i am looking forward to where i can breathe again and get past this, heal and recover. i have been really sick to the point where i am pretty much house ridden but even relaxing in my own place hurts and has kept me from doing much at all. because of the asthma attack, i am not able or allowed to even exercise or do aerobics due to the asthma.

i did see a doctor at an emergency walk in clinic on thurs evening and even though they were not supposed to give out prescriptions for asthma as it isn't a clinic that specifies in something that serious or in chronic disease which is what they categorize asthma as, the dr was young, exceptionally empathetic and kind and he believed me when i said i couldn't get a dr appt or anyone to take medicaid in tampa and he was very apologetic but stated the system was a mess and he was sorry i had to go thru this but he would give me the prescription i needed [which was advair, a preventative powder inhaler to go with albuterol for treatment of asthma attack and prevention of attack that i had run out of and precipitated the attack. he said going off of it likely triggered my asthma attack since that is around when it occurred]

in any case, the emergency clinician gave me enough for 2 refills after i filled it so that i could have enough time to find a primary care dr who can give me the full attention i need for something like asthma which needs regularly monitoring and to be consistently on medication. so, ive been taking advair and albuterol along with singulair everyday since seeing the dr. [i was taking the last two prior but it doesnt work much if you aren't also taking advair with it]

i think i will get better but its going slowly which is expected given i didn't get treatment until after a week of severe asthma attacks. i am just glad i didnt end up in the hospital or dead. there have been several times during the last almost two weeks where i was scared enough that i thought i might die from not being able to breathe. of course with my history of panic attacks and anxiety- it has been a challenge because not being able to breathe triggers intense panic and anxiety for someone like myself and someone with my chemical makeup/ background history.

this weekend i haven't been able to go anywhere outside of my apt. and i have felt bad as jimmy wanted to look at more houses [those two we bid on have contracts on them so its unlikely we will be able to get either of them] but it is so stressful and being in the heat in a tiny car for 4 to 6 hrs is the worst thing i could do when suffering from full blown asthma.

jimmy even said he wished we could go to the movie theater this weekend. i thought the same thing myself but sadly knew i am in no condition to go out to any public outing including a movie theater which would be a disaster and nitemare should i feel i absolutely cannot breathe in the theater and want to go home etc. he said he understood that but sadly its taken all week to get that across his mind as he isn't asthmatic and seems to sometimes ignorantly act like i should be able to just get over it.

- mind over matter? yeah, you can take that approach with many things but not when you're talking about asthma and breathing. being able to breathe is like life or death. this is serious and i am not going to take any chance with my health!!

i probably will stay house ridden for most of this week and work on just resting and recovering until next weekend, saving my energy and air for when we can go out house hunting again or anywhere that involves social stimulation. right now, i just want to get better and i don't want to die. if that means refraining from things that are pleasurable or stress inducing then i have to do it for myself.

i am praying for some relief as its been absolute hell and i can't even put it into words for those who have never experienced asthma but if anyone has ever had severe asthma, then they would understand precisely what i am talking about.

it really does suck because i realize i am going to be struggling with this for the rest of my life and there are going to be certain seasons like spring and summer where it is easily triggered and i have to be careful to avoid things that might trigger. this makes it feel like i am restricted and like i can't be like everyone else who is normal without asthma. and it certainly isnt helpful that jimmy doesn't have asthma, because i still don't think he fully understands what it's like and how asthma is a physical illness, and extremely hard to control esp when we live in a tropical climate that is one of the worst states in the United States when it comes to high allergy/pollen count and asthma.

anyway, if it doesn't fall thru, i have an appt this friday with a primary care dr at 11am. i am hoping by then i will be feeling better than today and that i can get things and my health in order and back on track. its hard to focus or concentrate on anything when i feel like this and can't even work on wedding details because focusing means exerting more breathing and its not something i have a lot of now. :(

I am upset but I can't fully tackle the problem or situation right now- over the fact that the psychiatrist we found for me covered by my medicaid/ united healthcare insurance was unexpectedly cancelled this past week. they claimed in their message they no longer accept medicaid. this, after calling about 30 drs who all said NO- they dont take my ins therefore i can't see them.

So now its back to the drawing board. this means a longer wait and no relief for anxiety, manic mood swings i experience. ive also run out of the tranquilizer which helped anxiey and helped me sleep more regularly and lessened my insomnia.

I cannot get that narcotic which is an anti anxiety (benzodiazepene) without a psychiatrist so i am screwed. This means intense insomnia will be back bigger and stronger and worse waves of anxiety because getting off that drug and having nothing to fall back on triggers withdrawal as ive been on it before and yes it is an addictive class of drugs and only prescribed to people [most of the time] who have severe anxiety and usually diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

I don't know what I am going to do or how I will find a dr. but I can't concentrate on that now. I have to focus on getting better physically and restoring my breathing- getting my asthma under control, first and foremost. it might be a month before i feel fully back to normal and it sucks :(((


i will say so long for now and will be back when i am feeling better. i hope everyone is doing well and i promise to catch up when i feel i've overcome this and am back in good enough health. until then, have a great remainder of a weekend everyone! :)