mapping out things + making the most of friday.

Friday night instead of going out, or doing anything of leisure, we stayed in and got to work on several things that needed to be tackled in regard to our wedding which is now just right around the corner and we are both feeling the pressure of running out of time to conquer everything in time without forgetting something or screwing up due to so much on our plates.


So, Jimmy spent much of our friday nite doing spreadsheets of guests [since he has the program on his laptop and i am not familiar with how to do a spreadsheet or work that program- excel and he does it for a living at work..]

Anyway, I put together a list of those we had sent invites to for the wedding, compiling his and mine together and then gave him the envelope that we had been carefully placing all our replies from as of late. Btw so far most of the people seem to be opting out of coming which we expected since most of our invites are out of state to IL and most people would not go out of their way to travel here for us, especially on a thanksgiving wkend- in fact several people on both sides of our families have complained about the timing of the wedding being on a busy and expensive holiday.

In all honesty, I didn't want my wedding around a holiday much less thanksgiving [being around so many FOOTBALL games + such since i abhor that sport and do not want it interfering with my wedding/honeymoon or yearly anniversary with him] It was Jimmy that was insistent on choosing this date however as he just had to have it his way. and he claimed he needed to structure the date around his work and when he would have time off. This never made sense to me since he works a 9-5 job monday thru friday and always has weekends off. He was just being well - Jimmy- rigid and it was his way or no way. He suggested two other dates in december, but both of them were on my mother and brother's bdays and I felt that really tacky and inappropriate. Plus I did not want a DEC wedding, I wanted a wedding in the month I was born which is November. That is my favorite month- but he would only agree to thanksgiving weekend so I was stuck with doing what he wanted in the end.

I believe he could have been more flexible but Jimmy is stubborn at times and he kind of made it like either we had it when he wanted to or it might not happen. In fact, it was me who kind of put an ultimatum last fall, either he was going to make a serious commitment and show me that the relationship was headiing in a forward direction [engagement and marriage] or I didn't know if I could continue this way or stay in the relationship.

I was on the verge of turning 36 last year when I said this and I told him, Look, I am not young [neither is he, he is almost a year older than me actually] and we don't have time- or rather I do not have time to play around or play games and I wouldn't have it.

There is a certain point where you decide to settle down and if you don't intend to do so, then you do not get into a serious relationship with someone, live with them or do things that suggest a future commitment of permanence. I didn't plan on waiting forever as I refused to marry after I was forty. Not just that but what if I actually want a child [which I do, one], I knew he would not even consider having a baby with me IF we were still unmarried and I know I do not want to get pregnant after 40, because I refuse to put my life in danger, risk chance of child being retarded, and EVEN MORE, refuse to raise a child and then never get to see the child grow up because I had my baby at such a late stage in my life.

Anyway life is way different since I gave that ultimatum and we had some serious relationship talks and intense fighting, mostly me screaming, demanding, and crying-- its been over a year since all that occurred and so its all blown over and seems like a distant memory now- an unpleasant one.

He has changed a lot in the way that he views me and this relationship. He has embraced the role of making this commitment and in small steps all along the past year has gradually shown this by growing thru many tough times with me and by learning how to integrate a life with another, realizing what is important in life and that he is willing to sacrifice some things in order to join our lives together.

I feel he was very resistant in the beginning due to fear and truthfully I believe it was largely over the fact that he didn't want to truly grow up or have the responsiblity of a wife and marriage. I think he has gotten past this and realized there is a time to grow up and there is a time to settle down and that you can't spend your entire life partying and running away from anything that could be permanent. otherwise you grow old and alone.

There is still a lot he has to learn about partnership, compromise, sharing and priorities when you marry someone and make them your wife but I guess it's a work in progress and he never really had a serious relationship or one that was compromised of living together or being engaged prior to me and because he is a late bloomer, it just seems he is slow at things that concern relationships and he doesn't always understand or see things my way. We've gone thru some major ups and downs since living together and I'm happy to say that currently everything is going well.

So back to what we did on Friday..Jimmy also made a sort of graph spreadsheet of all the people potentially invited to the wedding, colored in the ones who have sent their response saying they will be there, and then made a sort of circle graph of how the tables for the guests, food table, cake table, guestbk table, dj table and the like will be layed out in the room. He then started compiling a roughdraft of how people will be seated and who will be at which table, together etc. He did that for hrs upon hrs. It is still in the roughdraft stage, though.

This week we will have to work on filling out and sending thank you cards to everyone for bridal shower gifts but just never found time to do it during this past wkend. We found some really cute ones at Target, last week. I took pix of it for my memories and cause I am documenting everything connected to this wedding!

Thank You Cards we bought at Target for bridal shower guests- we thought the illustration and color was pretty and I am obsessed with butterflies in art illustration or anything associated with them so I was very happy to choose these :)

More about the rest of weekend tomorrow as Ive run out of time and must sleep for now- our entire weekend was filled from start to finish and i haven't caught up with all the latest or been able to finish catching up on notes yet. will work on this more tomorrow when i am more alert and full of energy. :)

for once, postal service was quite good.

passport arrived in my mail box this weekend!

three things-

1. that was fast and it looks really cool, they've changed it to a really nice design,updated, accdg to Jimmy. His is not like mine.

2. I did not get my original passport returned to me from when I took a trip to philippines as a teenager which was very sentimental to me and upsets me that I lost it. I didnt even scan or take a pic of it for memories sake. I am a little upset about it. I think maybe it might be because my original passport had my maiden name, this one has my married name as i never changed my last name after divorcing. [i've been divorced for approx 5 yrs now]

3. it was the best piece of mail i got this weekend and quite a surprise!

have a looksie :)

AFTERNOTE: Turns out, I did get my OLD passport returned to me yesterday in the mail, days after I got the new one. HUGE sigh of relief!!!! :D

p.s. been waiting for this since last season ended.

looking forward to sunday fall season premiere of this, see below!!!

'Desperate Housewives' recap: Fast forward We find out what the ladies of Wisteria Lane have been up to for the last five years in the season opener

yesterday's today show + brush with fame.

Jimmy was on the Today show when Matt lauer and Al Roker were at Univ. of Tampa where he works so he recorded it at home and we are going to save it. He was all excited becos he is in the crowd. It was funny cos he had to pause it before I could even see him but it totally is a good view of him and its obvious its him if you pause the film :)

He was hoping Obama would have a secret interview but it didnt turn out the way.

Earlier in the daytime, Jimmy had written me about the excitement of the today show filming and seeing some of it early this morning. he left an hr early to try to be there, before work! This was his email to me today!

Hi Babe,


Obama wasn’t here. There was a rumor going around all morning that he was going to be here and that “someone” was supposed to make a special appearance at 8:30am, but nobody showed. The show started at 7:00am, but I didn’t get here until almost 7:30am. I did manage to work my way into a few spots behind where they were filming, so I may have made it on TV once or twice if you can see me behind the big signs that were blocking my view. Debbie and Lynne definitely made it on because they were up front and got phone calls from family that saw them on the show. I took a few pictures of Matt Lauer and Al Roker, and Matt asked me how I was doing when he walked by. Not my biggest celebrity moment, but all of the ladies were swooning over him and getting his autograph. A Tampa politician, Bob Buckhorn, introduced himself to me and shook my hand…maybe because I was wearing my Obama button and he knew a few older ladies in Obama shirts that were standing by me.


Jimmy also got this handout flyer at the university that we both found highly amusing and funny. I couldnt help but scan it so I could share with others. I love the little dinosaur I must admit.

I titled the photo file on my computer as 'he's a dinosaur of a man' then uploaded it on my photo account. check it out :DI don't know if anyone has heard but its all over news about McCain trying to cancel tomorrows much anticipated debate with Obama which we had set to record on our DVD-r. Personally I think it is a crock and its obvious he is stalling. His ratings have gone considerably down in the past few days and accdg to polls, Obama is more favored based on various news report, cnn news and articles i have read online in the past two days. I think its suspect as to why he is asking for a postponement. Obama has spoken live just recently and he wishes to go on. I wonder what the outcome will be. This political year sure is heated and full ot twists and turns. I think this is one to watch, and will be monumental to USA's history- for sure.

ps i am still not back to normal or recovered from illness. its been hard to eat the last few days and ive even given up soda. only drink gatorade or water which is hard for me since i am a total coca cola addict and need caffeine. sucks. my stomach still feels unsettled. it may take all week to feel better. sigh :/

passports + pastors!

[jimmy wrote me the email below from work earlier in the day so now the passport appt is official [i dread the picture becos i know it will come out ugly] - this coming weekend, saturday morning. and the pastor finally has had some communication with us in regard how to work out vows and our wedding ceremony coming at the end of november. since we met him via our historic wedding chapel site and by recommendation and since neither of us are active in any church- we do not know pastor jack very well, just that we had a meeting with him a while back, he is well respected and highly praised by the facility we are holding our wedding in, is retired and has performed many religious and spiritual ceremonies. a refresher for those who don't know. i was born and raised catholic although am not currently practicing. jimmy was raised baptist and became anti-organized religion as he came of age- prob in his twenties much like me. the difference b/t him and i is this: id have liked a catholic wedding but becos hes not catholic, is unwilling to put the work in to even convert [unlike my exhusband] and i am divorced it truly IS a NO-GO!!

 

Plus, his family looks down on catholics since his mother was raised one and hated it and converted and she thinks its silly that people pray to statues YET is a so called devout christian, a baptist. i find her attitude irritating, insulting and hypocritical. i dont see praying to statues or a rosary as silly at all, and think catholic religion evokes something very mysterious, romantic in ways because of its use of ritual. i just feel strongly about what i was born as. and just cos i dont approve with every facet of catholicism doesnt mean i agree with his families anticatholic prejudices/ rants nor does it mean i will change who i am for anyone. so, my compromise with jimmy is to be married by a noncatholic pastor but one who is religious- i think he's methodist and it sounds like they are not as rigid as other more headstrong christians ive met and seen in the past. mainly i refused to have a wedding without any religious based ceremony.  it wasnt too hard to convince since he does come from a strong christian background regardless of his beliefs today, and because he knows in his heart, his mom and my mom would like to see a ceremony that involves god and the sacredness of marriage that is always best expressed in terms of scripture and prayer.

 

that said, this is what my fiance wrote me, technically yesterday about pastor jack!

 

Hi babe,

 

I wanted to share this forwarded message with you.  The officiant, Jack, that will be doing our ceremony wrote me back after I asked him about the rehearsal time.

 

I also just called for a passport appointment.  They only had an 8:15 or 8:30am (can't remember what she said) and an 11:45am, so I scheduled the 11:45.  Hopefully, that is OK with you.  I know it's a little early for you, but I don't want to wait too long to get it taken care of or we'll be even more stressed.  The lady I spoke to said it would only take 10-15 minutes and she said to NOT sign the application.  I think you have to sign it in front of them.

 

Remind me to work on the map tonight.  If I can finish it tonight, I'll make copies here at work tomorrow. 

 

Does the Michael's coupon expire on the 20th?  We can either go tonight and tomorrow, or tomorrow and Saturday so we can buy a few things.  I would like to go to the baseball game on Saturday if that's OK.  It's a 3:30 pm game, so we could either go to your parents or brother and niece's after the passport appointment or come home for a one hour nap and then go if you'd like to do something.  You're welcome to come to the game with me, but I didn't think you'd want to go. 

 

 

I just got back from lunch a little while ago and my head is pounding.  I thought some food would make it go away, but I guess I'll have to take an Excedrin or two.  Anyway, I have a bunch of things to work on, so I'm going to let you go.  Hope your day is going good.  I'll see you in a few hours.

 

Love,

Jimmy

Forward---



From: Jimmy

To: Minister Performing Our Wedding

Sent: Tue, 16 Sep 2008 2:36 pm

Subject: November 28th wedding





Hi, Jack.  I just left you a voicemail message, but figured I'd try you here as

well.  My fiancee wanted to touch base with you on a few things regarding our

wedding on November 28th at the Palm Harbor White Chapel.  First of all, we

wanted to know if 6:00 p.m. would be a good starting time for the rehearsal on

Wed, Nov 26th.  We have some family coming in from out of town and wanted to

make sure they can get to the chapel in time for the rehearsal.  Also, we wanted

to let you know that we will be emailing you our preferred vows in the next week

or two and will also send you a copy of the program about a month or so before

the ceremony.  Finally, we wanted to know if you have a new home phone number or

just the cell phone, as the previous home phone on your business card is no

longer valid.



If it's easier to reply by email, that's fine.  Otherwise, feel free to call me

at your convenience at ***-***-****.  We hope you are doing well.



Sincerely,

Jimmy W. and April K.



Sent: Thursday, September 18, 2008 12:07:53 PMFrom: Pastor Jack

Subject: Re: November 28th wedding





Dear Jimmy, the 6pm will be fine for the rehersal time. We are on a trip up in Maine and New England and willbe back home on October 16th...my cell is with me and the home phone is out till we get back home and thenwill be back in service. I am able to get some wifi here and there in our travels. So email me your vows orsend to p.o. box 28 there in tarpon springs...and I can meet with you guys some time in October beforethe big date, ok? Pastor Jack

alessi's wedding cake- reserved-quick n easy!

Wedding Cake

over the weekend, we had our appt with alessi bakery on saturday, ordered/reserved cake for wedding day, they will deliver for 60 charge. its pretty reasonable at under 300 for a strawberry shortcake wedding cake with whipcream- includes first tier for bride/groom and she is going to make it ivory with maybe some classic looking scroll design, one huge victorian lilac bow on the side and a few tiny butterfly designs on the side of the cake.

afternote:

we will be going back to michael's this wkend since we have a 50 percent off coupon + prob either get bubble thingies and cake topper or guest book or something. we are both going to use coupon separately

We should always live in the dark empty sky. The sky is always the sky. Even though clouds and lightning come, the sky is not disturbed. Even if the flashing of enlightenment comes, our practice forgets all about it. Then it is ready for another enlightenment.

-Shunryu Suzuki, "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind"

i haven't written because i haven't been online due to emotional struggles with the symptoms of manic depression which seeped out during the second smashing pumpkins concert in recent weeks due to all the ingredients of a disasterous nite. i won't go fully into this only to say it stormed hard, he did not tell me we would be standing without any shelter for 20 to 30 mins in the pouring rain. he did not bring an umbrella either. i did not think to suggest it since i was unaware we'd be standing in the open sky unsheltered. 'losing my cool' would be an understatement.

i got completely soaked and stayed that way all nite. all my makeup went in my eyes that took me over an hour to apply. my hair was all over the place. my contacts got so irritated i had to take them out and wear crappy glasses all nite. there were lots of other things to make me angry and pissed off but mostly i just think when i feel socially overloaded, i can't handle it emotionally.

i felt like i was wearing a wet diaper from head to toe all nite because that is how much rain poured over me. it was the most uncomfortable feeling in the entire world. he understood why i was upset and was apologetic but he felt like i should get over it because he and every one else was. but the kind of clothing he was wearing was thicker material and did not get as wet as mine. also other people aren't finicky, high maintenance or picky. i am and he knows it. so i felt to compare me to others was ridiculous. obviously other people will do anything for a free smashing pumpkins concert. i am not in that category.

i am not a teenager or in my twenties. i am 36 yrs old. i don't have the stamina or the energy for it and honestly as a teen and young adult, i would have never gone to a concert that would mean millions of people, being outside all day, or being in any kind of nasty weather. it's just never been my personality.

i will share the smashing pumpkins pix we got from the first concert [the one that went well and was inside in a fancy music hall, NOT the hard rock cafe one. they are kind of far and blurry for most part but still interesting and worth sharing here]

i'm only regaining energy this week and starting to feel better now. i think i am getting a wisdom tooth in, and spent all week of last week plus this entire three day holiday weekend sick with mouth pain.

jimmy determined he thinks the gum at the back of my mouth is impacted, and a tooth is coming thru. i just cant afford to do anything about it. i have no credit cards or money to pay for it at all. and unless jimmy pays for it, im kind of stuck suffering.

my mom had an absessed tooth last month and so she had a prescription for penicillin antibiotics from her dentist which she knew would help me, so she filled it for me and i picked it up over the weekend. i am grateful for that.. its helped a little but i'm still feeling pain on and off and have been feverish the past several days. im constantly on advil, tylenol and excedrin it seems - for the pain.

i have lots more to say and share, but i've been so bogged down emotionally lately and just out of energy to do anything especially write online so i haven't been here in a while. i will be back to finish updating as soon as humanly possible.

wedding looming overhead + flurry of ideas ensue.

We got our florist quote last week and have to finalize that by the end of this month and finish that up, take my mom there to put money down and such as we havent set up the formal contract yet or even reserved the day yet and that must be done by September.

One idea we had- we liked these hanging lights we saw at target made of metal, in a butterfly style, dragonfly and these clear white chinese style little cubes that light up with chinese characters on it [cant describe but if i find a pic on target.com, ill email you it] they are meant for patio decor but we were thinking of for our reception decor at wedding and also considering some chinese lanterns. this is of course dependent upon if we can do this without disturbing the reception halls walls and without breaking their codes and rules. Jimmy said he needs to talk to the lady Janice at the chapel again before we do this or go ahead with that idea. We'd of course like some feedback on what you think on this idea.

Oh here are some pix of ideas off target.com in reference to what I mentioned to u above!!

dragonfly lights- ten piece



there were some butterfly ones with a darkened tarnished silver look and a sort of teal color for butterfly stem but i cant find picture of it on target online

also the chinese white cubicle like lights arent to be found online either so i cant show u what i mean!

last, here are some lantern styles but want to look at other stores that sell lanterns before deciding. its an idea anyway :)

We spent Sat at Jimmy's parents for his dad's birthday and Sunday we finally got our Target Bridal Registry done. that was great fun. they had so much more fun, cute things than bed bath and beyond which is so proper and a bit snooty- plus it was a more relaxed experience since people werent hounding us to buy the most expensive brand or following us everywhere we turned to manipulate the choices we made so it was way better!

Also, we did receive the wedding invites via UPS last week so we have to start working on that this week. things are going to be so busy and stressful. I hope we can get everything done in time before the wedding. I am a complete nervous wreck these days and feel upset quite easily- its just been overwhelming lately!

olympics crazy!! (not me!!)

[i wrote this earlier in august, during the constant coverage and obsession that some americans had over the olympics via television. for the record, i find things like olympics overhyped and overrated. it's not really my cup of tea although i do enjoy gymnastics and some diving]

August 12.2008

Has anyone watched the olympics? Jimmy is a fanatic about it and about american teams. and thats all his family watched 24/7 when we visited last Saturday. after hrs of it, I decided to go into the guest bedroom and watch a real tv show I liked by myself alone and then went to sleep there. I was so bored. they spent all day watching olympics and then all nite baseball. then olympics after I woke up from the nap and I had to argue just to get him to leave the tv so we could make our drive home.

I dont mind the olympics a little [like once or twice a week or at least spread out so its not everyday] but not every single day. however jimmy is not the same. he would like to watch it every single nite and day but has RECENTLY tried to compromise because of me [well see how long that lasts] but only because i got angry on Tuesday and pissed off after 4 or more days of constant sport coverage and olympics and not having a say in watching something NON olympics when it is my place too and I live here. i couldnt take it and it gave me a headache/migraine strength.

I just couldnt imagine 17 days, day and nite of olympics which is originally what Jimmy intended and planned on doing/ watching it every nite til he went to bed and nothing else. meaning he didnt care if i wanted to watch something else other than sports and if i was stuck watching olympics the entire nite everyday until the olympics ends, it would not bother him at all. I found it highly selfish. and immature. I believe in taking turns and sharing but like a typical male, that concept is hard for him to fathom or practice with me.


I just couldnt tolerate this. i want some variety on the tv and to be able to watch some things that we both like and that are relaxing. sports is noisy and involves a lot of yelling/cheering. i cannot even read a book or do anything relaxing when that racket is on and everything i enjoy doing is in the living room not in the back bedroom. I felt he was being very unfair and man-like, one sided, reminded me of dad and having no say in my own house.


Anyway after i blew up earlier this week, he took a break from the olympics but he has recorded it everyday and that is about 3-5 hrs of sports to watch and since he wants to be caught up everyday on olympics, it means that I have ended up watching it more than i even cared for or intended to.

When we fought earlier in the week, he told me he had never seen anyone NOT into the olympics [i looked at his parents and family friends and knew exactly why. all of them are sports fanatics and remind me of the jocks/cheerleaders i hated in hschl who NEVER understood me and looked down on me for not being athletic or liking athletics. they bullied me, made fun of me, and ridiculed me for being nerdy and NONathletic in highschool. his family attitude reminds me of the people who made me ashamed of who i was and who never truly accepted me for being different and who also judged me harshly and were very superficial mean spirited people. I have never been into sports and never will be. they need to learn to realize im not them, i am myself and to accept who i am. everyone is different and just because i dont like sports doesnt make me a bad person or abnormal or lower than them.]


In the same above fight, Jimmy told me I was abnormal for not being into the olympics. he also said its abnormal i never watched it much before him. the times i did watch it was like one or two nites out of the entire summer and only the competitions i liked like the gymnastic dances and the diving. so it wasnt like i was forced to watch the parts i felt were boring and i certainly didnt have to watch it every waking moment i was alive. When someone is forced to like something or forced without any choice to do or watch something- its only human nature that you become turned off to it and begin to hate it and eventually despise/resent whatever is being forced on you.

Jimmy also had to watch the entire olympic chinese opening ceremony last Friday. i was so bored, and lonely that nite. I was mostly was on the computer, outside smoking or fell asleep during the nearly five hrs of coverage.


a lot of the olympics is incredibly boring- like volleyball and canoeing and stuff like that. but jimmy LOVES it all. even the boring sports.


tonite, we were watching the gymnastics portion and this was the only time I enjoyed watching the olympics since it started last week, I have to admit.


I liked this series better because i find it more exciting/challenging when its more than just floor exercises as it can be a little boring and tediuous to watch for hours. and i also think watching the men perform is more exciting than the women and the beginning focused mainly on the men gymnasts on balance beam and on the trapeze thing.


I preferred the balance beam competitions in the men and women's divisions that we saw tonite. i could not watch it for days in a row though like jimmy.


Also I tend to like the NON american teams- like the russians and the chinese and he is the type who puts down anyone who isnt american and makes annoying rude comments while they are performing, like yelling screw up to that chinese girl who is actually one of my faves after watching her tonite along with the russian girls who I think really have a natural grace and agility to perform more than the american girls do !!


I hate people like that, who will only cheer for americans and will BOO anyone from any other country in the USA. i think its stupid, immature and almost catty/childish, snobby. superficial judgemental. closeminded.


That's probably why i hate sports and jocks/ sport-fanatics because they are only for one team or one state or one country and arent interested in seeing others and like to make put-down rude sarcastic remarks towards anyone not on the team they love [whether it be USA or the state of FL].

i like to watch performers and make my own decision that isnt always dependent on IF they are american or not. i tend to like the european performers best.


jimmy would prob be annoyed if he knew i was saying this. but i just do NOT get what the big deal is about olympics or why anyone would be that obsessed!! I really dont care. I would not care if I missed it at all and it wouldnt change my life but the way he acts, he cant live without seeing the olympics every single day it is aired and if he does, its like he might have a heart attack because he has to be watching it so he can talk to everyone around him since it seems everyone he associates with in life are all sport fanatics. everyone except for me!! I simply dont get it or understand why he even wanted someone like me if sports and being into sports is such an important priority for him and for the girl he spends his time with.


Jimmy's mom calls everyday and when he isnt watching a sport game or prob the olympics, she quizzes him and acts like there is something wrong if he isn't because she is!!! I feel like if he isnt watching it that she secretly believes I am manipulating him into not watching sports and that she resents me and blames things on me since she knows Im not into sports and I know by her past reactions, she thinks its weird and abnormal that I am not and taht Jimmy picked a girl who isn't sporty or into that kind of thing.


His mom as usual made some sarcastic comments about the fact that I do not cook, towards me. Her along with her two female friends ganged up on me - making sarcastic comments how they cant believe I am not into cooking as if every woman is. and also how they think I should love to cook and his mom again insulted me with her: "Well you just have to learn to LOVE it. I DID because I had to, I was forced to. Thats what you have to and need to do." I didnt respond much but I wasnt going to let her manipulate/pressure me with that and said simply, Its not for me and when they kept pushing, I made sure to say things in a tone that they could tell I was going to get very angry if they kept pushing my buttons.

I nearly blew up. i told them i found food uninteresting and boring and didnt really care about eating much or food, it didnt excite me. I was sarcastic back towards them and I believe they noticed it. I was sarcastic because they were telling me how i should feel and very rude, putting me on the spot and trying to belittle me, scrutinize who I am in front of everyone and in the pool. It felt very humiliating and I feel she does it on purpose. Its NOT the first time.


I overheard her critiquing jimmy yesterday that i dont cook and he does and that its wrong and he is quote, "too easy". [in other words she thinks he lets me get away with murder and taht I dont treat him right. which means she feels I am not good enough for her son. I always feel she thinks that about me and I know its not my imagination. I am annoyed over this still. I could never handle living in the same vicinity as her or having to be in her home for more than a few days. I would go insane. She is controlling and constantly critical, judgemental of others. she may not realize it but its the sort of energy I do not want around me. I cant stand people who make me feel like I am lower than they are and that no matter what you do, its not impressive enough. No wonder Jimmy has so many issues of self doubt and lacks confidence in himself, never thinks he is good enough or successful enough. I feel sad for him that this is what makes him that way.


His mom was also trying to insist i need to go to a tanning salon for my wedding day to have tan skin since i got sort of burned. and she said if i wanted to be perfect, id want to go tanning once. i dont want to be tan and i tried to tell them all i hate tanning esp fake tanning and dont think it looks good, think it looks fake [ugly, leathery like lizard] they told me i was weird. i know why they said this. its cos they look like the ones i think look horrible, overly tanned, leathery and aging from being overly in the sun. i bit my lip but i felt like i was going to blow up.


+++


I got this VSL that seems to echo my sentiment about the olympics, that its truly OVERrated and that there are actually some normal intelligent people who are NOT into olympics and whose lives do not revolve around silly sports!! HA- I sent it to Jimmy during his crazed obsessive days with cramming as much olympic activity into our days/nites as he could!

Why we’d rather watch the Olympics in Britain

WEB VIDEO: "BBC Sport’s Olympics Monkey"

Tonight’s the big kickoff for the Olympics. But before you’re sick of NBC’s whole theme-songed, video-packaged enterprise (the network plans 36,000 Hilton-Coke-ExxonMobil-sponsored multiplatform hours of coverage, the equivalent of four years of 24/7 broadcasting), check out this brief and fetchingly odd Web-video alternative.

Created as a promo for BBC Sport’s Olympics coverage, “Monkey” is the brainchild of Damon Albarn (lead singer of the band Blur) and Jamie Hewlett, the pair behind the virtual art-pop supergroup Gorillaz. The wryly animated video is based on the classical Chinese novel Journey to the West as well as the alt-rock opera Monkey: Journey to the West, another Albarn-Hewlett collaboration. It follows Monkey, Pigsy, and Sandy as they travel to Beijing. Along the way they must battle various foes by using their skills in (naturally) swimming, javelin-tossing, running, pole-vaulting, and hurdle-jumping.

If we were giving out medals for network promos, there’d be no competition: BBC Sport’s Monkey would get the gold.

“BBC Sport’s Olympics Monkey”

The New Yorker’s profile on Damon Albarn

Ask.com for more information about “BBC Sport’s Olympics Monkey”

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upcoming weekend + randomness in pictures.

Stay tuned for following entries to be more catch-up related entries.

I am planning to do a series of pictorial entries based on our July two day trip to Sarasota. We got some really pretty pix, some cool ones and I've been really eager to share this with everyone ever since we got back from that trip but life has been so crazy and non-stop that I just haven't had the time til now.

I'll try to post and share the Sarasota trip in segments but it will be either tonite or later in the weekend that I start on that. I only have about an hour left to write in here before Jimmy gets home and our wkend begins so I have to be quick...

By the way, it is gonna be a busy weekend again. We head out to Jimmy's parents in Inverness tomorrow to see them and his dad for his birthday. JOY!

I hope I will not have to hear her [his mother's] incessant harping and criticizing otherwise I might burst.

I really mean it- she sometimes has a way of pushing me that makes me feel I might explode on her and in front of everyone there. It has gotten close in the past and I try to keep my cool but I am always on the edge of losing it. I admit.

Nothing grates on my nerves more than someone harping and telling someone how they should run their lives and making that person feel small and tiny and worthless. It fucking PISSES me off.

I also do not enjoy it over there since the tvs are always on in the living room, huge surround sound one and outside by the pool. I feel they are at times dominated by TV and have nothing better to do. they arent interested in other things, interactive things, games, reading, talking, doing other things besides tv.

The worst part of it is the tv is always turned on to ESPN sport channels and nothing else and I am stuck watching or ignoring something on the screen that bores me to tears, makes me wish I could go home, and I don't find it relaxing, fun or exciting. I don't get it and its impossible to read with a loud hoot and hollering crowded game going on. I just cant so often I will nap or sleep while they spend hrs watching.

He has remarked sarcastically that I always sleep when I'm there well its cos we are there for one or two days and I am stuck bored out of my mind because the only thing they do is watch tv and watch the thing i hate and am bored by the most in the world, sports.

If anyone was forced to watch tv the entire time they were visiting someone and could only watch a channel or show that bored them or they hated, I think they would give in to sleeping to escape as well. It's just logical natural human reaction. I don't look forward to visiting his parents because there's very little to find excitement over. Maybe if we actually watched movies or things I liked my attitude would change but everything revolves around what the father wants and the mother caters to it all. thats why I get frustrated at times with Jimmy.

I sometimes feel he expects me to be like his mother, voiceless, unassertive, does only what father likes, forgets about her own ideals/likes/wants - puts husband over herself, has no self identity. I absolutely REFUSE to be that sort of woman. Most of our fights are really about my fear of being oppressed as a woman. I am feisty yes, but I am feisty because growing up I had to be.

I hope our time at Jimmy's parents goes fast without incident. He hasn't stated if we are spending the nite. Often he likes to do that if possible and I absolutely hate it, hate being in someone elses place with someone elses things and someone elses rules. I am not comfortable, can never sleep or feel relaxed. I hate it. They only live an hour and a half away , driving so there isn't any reason why we need to spend the nite other than Jimmy is very close to his family and also his parents nag him when he is not spending the nite and make him feel guilty. yes they are controlling in my eyes but he'd probably say that this means they are loving. I kind of see it differently but I don't say a word.

Oh and some very RANDOM pix before I end this one!

Some pix of my cutie kitty noelle in my closet in the office room :D

..and Jimmy bought these funny snacks over at Walgreens last weekend. I found them really hilarious and amusing so I took a few pix of them to share with everyone :D

And...Jimmy taking a load off on our futon couch last weekend.



I mainly took this picture to show off our new futon cover which I love - the softness, and color/pattern- it fits so perfectly with a lot of the colors we already have in our place..its brown/champagne yellow/bluegreen/ sage green shades in stripes. we got this cover on sale and with ten dollars off at Bed, Bath and Beyond last month. I find it so so cute :D

More Misc. Random Pix:




Really happy and excited to get these stackable bins in one of my fave colors in clear plastic at Target on sale last weekend. the top was so cute and was meant for a dorm, stackable plastic little bins that looks like a makeup kit when its all put together.

I like to compartmentalize everything I have and enjoy organizing and obsessively reorganizing things in general [kinda ocd but not really, jsut relaxes me. I know I'm strange] and thought this was so cool for when we do go on little trips like visiting jimmy's parents and I need my beauty products and shower stuff with me- perfect for travel and it was only 5.99.

The other two storage I plan to use for my sentimental journals, mementos and to put away clothing im not wearing right now in my closet to make more space. I love anything that promotes space saving. im always looking for new and innovative space saving furniture everytime we visit target or bed bath and beyond.





I LOVE my new converse manilla colored canvas tote bag which I bought last weekend. That was my impulsive buy of the month for 19.99. I think its so cute and cool looking and quite different than anything I own currently- that is why I wanted it plus perfect for the pool, beach, traveling, and the list goes on.

I love bags that can be used in many versatile ways and are practical enough to be used in many different life situations! Plus I gravitate towards the brands and styles related to surf and skateboarders alike! Love other brands like roxy, billabong, + the like! :)

I most love the snaps on the bag with outer pockets and also the star symbol log on the snaps itself. If anyone hasn't guessed, very into fashion and design.

One of Jimmy and I's most favorite shows we watch every single week is Project Runway. Ive been a fashion junkie since a teenager and collect fashion mags and have files of stuff and binders of favorite fashion photography from the past 10 or so years.

In highschool, and early college, I was gravitating towards going into the career of Fashion Merchandizing and being a Fashion Buyer but due to antisocial personality and lack of business sense, that dream was quickly diverted into psychology and then into writing. All there are still strong interests and desires and talents of mine.

I still am fascinated most by fashion illustration, fashion editing and fashion photography. It'd be my dream to delve into any of those subjects. I'd love to put together a magazine. that may even dabble into graphic design but I feel technically- I suck and without a photo or graphic design degree- it is nothing more than a mere dream.

My brother allister in cali is a graphic designer and also has a dual degree in photography and is an artistic gifted person. I always wish I were more like him. I think he takes amazing pix and he just shared with us the other day all his pix and videos from his trip to Japan, it was both interesting and entertaining and the architecure design and detail of the buildings was exquisitely beautiful in craftmanship and design.

I think both Jimmy and I dream of going there one day, Jimmy even more so who is a big sushi lover [ps I hate sushi, it makes me want to vomit LOL but i am interested in japan for its beautiful visuals, technology, and artistic buildings and architecture. the food, unless cooked, i have minor interest in LOL]

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New Journals I bought mostly from Borders last month and elsewhere [ps Im a journal junkie too, I collect and use them for various projects, words, thoughts, feelings and things of inspiration. Ive been this way ever since a child. I am and have always been truly a writer and recorder of memories, experiences, and influences all around me in pop culture, media, fashion, film, music/songs/lyrics and literature/symbolism/metaphors and dreams- whatever is going on at that time can always be found in my personal at home journals. I am one of those nostalgic people that is very attached to everything I experience and thrives on remembering past and present- often. especially past. whether good or bad. I thrive on feelings and memories. Its what keeps me and brings me truly ALIVE.



a borders journal above i found on clearance at borders in july. its spacey and out of this world, so it appealed to me :D


Some pages from my new notebook which I've designated for my scrapbooking project of styles I love in terms of haircuts, color, and makeup/beauty as well as fashion. i just began creating this last week.


below is the first page of the section for haircuts i love for myself, the second one after this is of a makeup style that i tend to be drawn towards. i like the sultry smokey eyed look with natural or mauve colored toned down lips. that is what i am gravitating towards for my wedding day. its an evening look that i think is very flattering on my coloring and representative of my personal style when i am made up. i most prefer the black eyeliner cat-eye or french lined look whether natural or made-up.i also am inclined towards the gothic cleopatra style black lined eyes with a lot of black mascara. i love dramatic looks!




In the past ive always had my hair in bob cut styles that angle towards the chin, and they flattered my facial features and shape. however now that ive gained weight, i dont think i could pull it off. ive had long hair for several years and most of my life have oscillated b/t short cuts like above and my long sorta natural wavy styled hair. most of the time i have it up in a scrunchie mainly for convenience and because its always hot here weather wise. But lately because I think I look fat if my hair is down. I feel it overemphasizes how round and heavy my face really is now that ive put on pounds and feel very unconfident to wear it down nowadays. my hair is pretty close to as long as it was in previous entry but not quite. If i don't cut it til the wedding, it would prob be as long as the 2006 picture i posted last nite if not longer than that. i think i will trim it up an inch or maybe a few inches prior to the wedding though!





Other Journals I got:






[the end--- for now!!]

alexcia sweet alexcia, you remind me of me.

below back in july, a few pix of alexcia my niece and grammie [my mother] when we paid them a visit at my brother corky's in clearwater. he is not featured in the pix, my bro as he hates being in any! the last few are jimmy with alexcia that are quite adorable.

little alexcia has decided to give him and everyone massages whenever we come over now. she started doing this two visits ago and her new thing is to do give us foot massage and then back massage. she is so gentle, loving, cute, innocent and nurturing- warm.

of course my bro was getting mad at her for being so loving to jimmy as she is always kissing him and touching him. my bro kept repeating that she didn't belong touching anyone and that people would take advantage of her or hurt her down the road.

i understand his alarm and fears however he is the one who puts on inappropriate films and licks his lips and wags his tongue asking alexcia if he can have that girl wearing the thong or next to nothing clothing!! his taste in women are stripper, cheap porn looking hoochie type women. it makes me disgusted, to be quite honest and hate to have alexcia subjected to that at six yrs old but there's nothing u can do.

i am sure in america this is the norm of people -both men and women - in our current generation. all you have to do is take a look at whats out there in the latest reality tv shows and then you can see why people are how they are and why they glorify, put so much worth into women who are slutty, strippers, porn types. the simple truth is sex sells and sex is money.

i just think kids are overexposed to too much today and it really does unsettle and disturb me. and i'm not a prude really - i just have values and want to protect my own self worth.


in any case, i think alexcia gets a lot of mixed messages and hypocritical lessons from my brother her father. hopefully it doesnt warp her too much. i worry about when she starts dating and becomes interested in boys. i fear she will pick someone who will abuse her or control her or harm her, violate. i am hyperaware and hypersensitive because of my past history w/ sexual abuse and domestic violence and because i see clearly that my niece isn't being raised with very strong or protective foundations / nurturance and guidance from a positive male role model and i worry. if i were closer, to her, i'd feel a little less fearful but i am too far away to make much of an impact.



this is something i worry over constantly and every day.

anyway alexcia currently in pix below! she is 6 and turns 7 at the end of september 2008! I love the way her little tiny feet are crossed under her seat and those adorable little whtie sandals she is wearing- they are so so cute and she is growing up so fast!!! sometimes i see her, i mean often i see her, and she reminds me so much of myself as a child- we look a lot alike in my opinon-

floral + stress.

This entry was written prior to last weekend- on Wed. July 30th as days off are consumed by wedding planning and finding some downtime to recover from all the stress. That is why I haven't been online much friday to sunday as of late.

It is because every second of our time is filled with obligations, appts, and a wanting to just vegetate once the day is over as its been exhaustive. Add home hunting on top of all this-- and the stress is just BRUTAL. That's been frustrating and depressing too but guess what? I think Jimmy is beginning to wake up after seeing some close friends over the wkend- who just had their first baby and gave him some wise tips and advice over the weekend which back up what I have been saying to him all along (but he chose to ignore).

I WILL most definitely share a full update on the above paragraph, full detail of the house hunting dilemma and how his friends pretty much validated everything I had tried to say to him in the future. HA! Feels great to be validated and say -Told you so!!

So, here is latest wedding update which was written about a week ago!

Jimmy booked the photographer LAST Monday and put down the 535 deposit. We will be going to Citrus Park Publix floral dept on Friday and have an appt at 2pm- they do do weddings.

Note, he wrote me this last week:

Hi babe,
I just got off the phone with Randy at Celebrations and booked the photography, DJ, and music for the ceremony. I told him that we'll stop by sometime to listen to the different music selections they have. It ended up costing $1605 including tax, so I paid $535 for the deposit and the remaining balance is $1070.

I also talked to a lady at Publix (Apron's) and scheduled an appointment for the flowers at 2:00 pm on Friday. She said they normally have appointments up until 6:30 pm, but I didn't want to have to rush over there after work especially since I don't normally get home until 6:15 pm as it is and don't know if I may have to work late.

Well, I hope you got some rest. I probably won't stop by storage until I pick you up if you think your photos will be ready. Let me know if you talk to them and they still aren't ready and I'll get the book (and any others) that sold.
Love,
Jimmy





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Oh, we've put in our Wedding Invitation Order last weekend - it was over $200. [The proof came today via email and we will receive them at the end of August- we only ordered 75 invites.)
We are very behind and Jimmy has been stressed over being behind and money but I kept warning him we needed to do things and he ignored me. He likes to say he never wanted a formal wedding and I was the one- so things have been tense and I blew up over that over the weekend before last weekend.

It IS hurtful because he keeps rubbing it in my face everytime he is stressed [esp when my dad acted how he did-didn't want my mom helping us much financially with wedding. So now J feels funny around dad and seems to resent me even more because of how my dad humiliated him and it is as if he wishes he never committed to having a formal wedding becos of my dad and how he acted etc.) This is simply NOT fair to me and it has got me completely stressed out! I am caught in the middle. I can't help what my dad did and it's really not my fault. I have no control over what others say or do, regardless of blood ties. I feel like my dad has screwed up Jimmy's chance of being close to him or having a good relationship and it really upsets me inside but I can't really talk to anyone because all the ones I would talk to are involved (mom/dad jimmy)and it just seems I have been put in the middle against my will. I resent this and feel agitated/upset over the entire thing. It should not be like this.

All this makes me feel my fiance's heart isn't into this wedding planning and makes me realize that he is NOT appreciative of what a special day this will be. He has no idea that everything we are doing to make this wedding a reality IS preparing us for the real meaning of marriage and that this is an exercise on how well we work together as a couple, and gives us a tiny idea of what it is like to conquer hardships/stress/ in life as well as what its like to make plans, set goals and to compromise as a couple as we will need these skills during our marriage and future life together. This is preparation and a build up to something so meaningful and its a once in a lifetime thing, a learning experience that is beyond valuable to our future together.

His attitude has been the wrong one and hurt me lately because this should be a gift of his love to me and instead of complaining and making me feel guilty for having a wedding, he should be supporting me in this and appreciating all we're doing to make this special for him. Not to mention love IS making the other happy not thinking ONLY of yourself. Love is not selfish..but he is immature and self-absorbed. He cannot see past anything but the money aspect and how it is taking up all his precious selfish social time.

It just makes me sad and feel resentment that he doesn't care about what this means to me + has to act like an immature child throwing a tantrum and only thinking of himself. He doesn't seem to realize how special this day will be.

I feel like he is going to regret his actions when that day comes and he is moved by the ceremony and everything at the wedding. He will be sorry and I have warned him of this very thing - in a recent outburst/ fight.

Jimmy has promised to try to be more supportive but I have felt very overwhelmed and stressed, constantly upset as he is trying to cram us buying a home before Oct. 1st to make the deadline before the FHA loan expires and to move in everything before the wedding.

I think trying to find a first home and having to move in right before the wedding is a BIG mistake. I feel it is TOO stressful for me and I have tried explaining this to him. I cannot handle both moving and a wedding!!!! It IS stressful enough as it and I fear that my mental state of being will not be able to handle this much stress. I am drained with everything going on and it IS over his head. He thinks I can toughen up and get over it but I cannot.

We had a fight over this yesterday. I am resigned. He wants what he wants even if it causes me distress and doesnt want to hear how I feel or consider me. He says he will try his best to minimize stress for me in house hunting but the last several mos have been high stress and the closer it gets to him all panicked over this house loan deadline, the more frenzied and stressed everything will be. He just does not get it!! It is purely logical common sense.

He doesn't want to wait and is convinced he will NEVER be able to buy a home if he misses this Oct 1st 2008 deadline as they are doing away with FHA. I feel that is a ridiculous and irrational line of thinking and he is allowing fear to control him and it is impairing his judgement severely.

Jimmy has a good job and good credit. I've seen people on welfare get homes with tons of kids. But whatever!!!! He feels he knows more than I do. It is a waste of breath to say otherwise.

I just hope things get less stressful cos I am overwhelmed right now and my mood swings are increasing because I have no psych medication and no psych who will treat me with my insurance so I am really struggling :(

Next I am going to share some pix I copied from the white chapel website where our wedding will be held. These give an idea of how some people decorated the chapel for the ceremony and also how they chose to do the reception room.

Jimmy still needs to talk to Janice to find out the amount of chairs/tables and what color or how they look. I hope it is in a neutral color because in one of the pix the chairs were bright tropical green and that wouldnt match our wedding colors of ivory, champagne and lilac!!

Update: WELL Jimmy talked to Janice last wkend. Turns out chairs are a bright bluegreen color- so this will NOT do. Jimmy is the one who called her and talked out things while I was asleep over the past wkend. He told me that he got a recommendation from the chapel/reception coordinator [Janice] for linen seat covers for our chairs and that it was a really reasonable price so he said we will go with that, at 3.50 a chair plus they do set up for you. We are estimating approx 8 tables, give or take and I think 8 tables holds an estimate of 8 people to one table. We needed to find out that information for other various wedding planning appts such as florist and for when we start shopping at michael's for arts/crafts DIY wedding decorations and party favors since that seems to be the more affordable route to go at this point!!

Here are the picture examples in chapel + reception hall at White Chapel in Palm Harbor:

CHAPEL FLORAL ARRANGEMENT IDEAS (see examples below from past weddings there:)








(two different styles from different weddings- it appears)






RECEPTION HALL IDEAS (for floral arrangements in hall and at tables:)

(those hanging bouquets (with lights or mini chandaliers) are unique but don't know if we could do this, how expensive it might be, and J thinks it looks too complex and we should stick to simple. but I like unique. We'll see, I suppose.)



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Thinking further and more in term of the bridal party bouquets and what I want..after some net surfing and research, here are some floral bouquet trends this year that I would most consider for my own potential bouquet for this wedding.

In all honesty, I am most drawn to the second one. This is mostly because I think there will be gold in my colors based on possible accessories. It depends if i go with necklace and shoes I am thinking of. This is of uncertain yet and I am hesitant as I don't really like gold all that much in terms of jewelry- I prefer white gold or silver to yellow gold so this could change and is very up-in-the-air at the moment!

BOUQUET TRENDS

ballerina bouquet: