We should always live in the dark empty sky. The sky is always the sky. Even though clouds and lightning come, the sky is not disturbed. Even if the flashing of enlightenment comes, our practice forgets all about it. Then it is ready for another enlightenment.

-Shunryu Suzuki, "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind"

i haven't written because i haven't been online due to emotional struggles with the symptoms of manic depression which seeped out during the second smashing pumpkins concert in recent weeks due to all the ingredients of a disasterous nite. i won't go fully into this only to say it stormed hard, he did not tell me we would be standing without any shelter for 20 to 30 mins in the pouring rain. he did not bring an umbrella either. i did not think to suggest it since i was unaware we'd be standing in the open sky unsheltered. 'losing my cool' would be an understatement.

i got completely soaked and stayed that way all nite. all my makeup went in my eyes that took me over an hour to apply. my hair was all over the place. my contacts got so irritated i had to take them out and wear crappy glasses all nite. there were lots of other things to make me angry and pissed off but mostly i just think when i feel socially overloaded, i can't handle it emotionally.

i felt like i was wearing a wet diaper from head to toe all nite because that is how much rain poured over me. it was the most uncomfortable feeling in the entire world. he understood why i was upset and was apologetic but he felt like i should get over it because he and every one else was. but the kind of clothing he was wearing was thicker material and did not get as wet as mine. also other people aren't finicky, high maintenance or picky. i am and he knows it. so i felt to compare me to others was ridiculous. obviously other people will do anything for a free smashing pumpkins concert. i am not in that category.

i am not a teenager or in my twenties. i am 36 yrs old. i don't have the stamina or the energy for it and honestly as a teen and young adult, i would have never gone to a concert that would mean millions of people, being outside all day, or being in any kind of nasty weather. it's just never been my personality.

i will share the smashing pumpkins pix we got from the first concert [the one that went well and was inside in a fancy music hall, NOT the hard rock cafe one. they are kind of far and blurry for most part but still interesting and worth sharing here]

i'm only regaining energy this week and starting to feel better now. i think i am getting a wisdom tooth in, and spent all week of last week plus this entire three day holiday weekend sick with mouth pain.

jimmy determined he thinks the gum at the back of my mouth is impacted, and a tooth is coming thru. i just cant afford to do anything about it. i have no credit cards or money to pay for it at all. and unless jimmy pays for it, im kind of stuck suffering.

my mom had an absessed tooth last month and so she had a prescription for penicillin antibiotics from her dentist which she knew would help me, so she filled it for me and i picked it up over the weekend. i am grateful for that.. its helped a little but i'm still feeling pain on and off and have been feverish the past several days. im constantly on advil, tylenol and excedrin it seems - for the pain.

i have lots more to say and share, but i've been so bogged down emotionally lately and just out of energy to do anything especially write online so i haven't been here in a while. i will be back to finish updating as soon as humanly possible.