what followed was several days of intense fighting over this. it was very unpleasant and though he may have not "meant" to upset me, i felt it was way unacceptable and way way way wrong. its been resolved but it still hurt me deeply.
it is some way connected to smashing pumpkins and is definitely the reason the girl even came up or was accidentally revealed to me, triggering all the upset. for the most part it ruined a lot of my excitement for wanting to go as it came up several days before the first concert at ruth eckerd and i tried to keep it inside but i felt he hadnt disclosed everything and some things werent making sense, as i started to recall certain things connected to this girl's name and felt he wasn't fully honest about something and in a way he was not.
these are the full facts:
in 2007, we'd been living together for about six mos when he one day showed me on his computer the new friend who had contacted and added him from his past on myspace.
her name was bobbi.
from her note, it sounded like someone who either had a crush on him or had one in the past - i sensed this as i teased him about her having the 'hots' for him and insinuated maybe something had gone on in the past i didnt know about since they went way back etc. the typical type of girl teasing.
i was only half serious and not threatened as she did not look to be someone who he would go for physically based on knowing or having some sense of the actual type of women he finds attractive and based on the fact that he had stated in the beginning of our relationship that one thing he'd never done is date someone overweight and he'd never be attracted to someone who was heavy set. it was a bit bothersome when he said that in the past because: 1. it seems superficial 2. what if i get fat? 3. my exhusband was overweight and would have been considered 'fat'. but i did not judge him for his weight nor did it keep me from wanting or loving him so i am way less judgemental/superficial when it comes to physicality obviously. that said, i probably teased him because i sensed she liked him or found him attractive in the past but that he didnt feel the same and realistically nothing had happened.
sad thing is i was wrong.
worse yet, when i teased him, he denied her liking him like that or ever having any crush on him and proceeded to tell me for years she had been after his brother in seattle jay, and had the hots for him. he laughed over this and made fun. i remember at one point him telling jay this on the phone and teasing him but never disclosing what the real truth was. this to me felt intentionally hidden away from me therefore it felt like he consciously lied to me.
shortly after he added this bobbi in spring of 2007, he had mentioned him and i [we were not engaged yet], were traveling to chicago where we are both from and she still lives. he made mention we might want to see some shows and since she worked in a place that sold concert tix, felt maybe she could get us a discount or even maybe meet up with us. keep in mind at this point, he had painted her as a good friend of his past and nothing more than this, a girl who chased after his little brother, NOT him.
imagine the fury when clues lead me to accidentally put together the truth and he didnt immediately volunteer the truth, the full truth to me, and i flashbacked to that day he had shown me her myspace page and all. how she looked. how she was a sport fanatic and not the kind of girl who even remotely looked to be his type.
i flashedbacked to the moment and memory of how he had completely denied she had any crush on him while i teased him and how he had purposely not shared with me the whole story of their past, that there had been drunken kissing b/t them in the past and everyone teased them that they were dating. he said she was just a friend but you dont kiss 'just a friend' who he claimed was ugly and not attractive.
let's get to the point:
- he had been reminiscing of the six times hed seen smashing pumpkins in concert and one of the first times, going thru his keepsake box. it was after we had had intense erotic sex. he started pulling stuff out when i'd walked out of the room to shower.
-when i came back, i found him on the bed in our master bedroom looking at a smashing pumpkins box set with knick knacks, concert tix. i asked what he was doing. he asked if i wanted to see some stuff. i said, "not if its from the past or exgirlfriends!!" since he never shares anything nostalgic with me and i feel insecure of what he actually has because so much is unknown to me and kept from me..so when he does, i feel anxious as i know he is the type to keep things of the past gfs and well, i'd rather not have to see things that remind him of someone that is not me. that is hurtful.
-he insisted it was nothing like that and there was nothing of his exs, just concert stuff from smashing pumpkins and autographs. he was holding a gish concert decorative paper which had writing on it. he turned it over to show me and i got a quick glance - it said 'to bobbi's boyfriend' i said, feeling shock then anger then humiliation knowing it meant "something"..i said, agitated, "what is that?" he said "what?" as if to act stupid. i said, "who's bobbi boyfriend?" he said- "me" my mouth dropped as i felt my anger grow, and said, trying not to scream, "i thought u said there was nothing attached to your past gfs.." i absolutely could NOT believe my ears after he had assured me there was nothing there connected to his ex's and yet now this was something but he was trying to evade the topic and downplay things/ avoid my questions.
-he quickly tried to change the subject and brush it away like it was nothing. he simply said- when i reacted in anger, "who the fuck is bobbi?" no one, some girl.. i was angry because i know of his main relationships but he had never told me of this 'bobbi' the bobbi on myspace hadn't clicked into my mind at this point. five mins later, i t would though. he quietly and quickly said, "some girl i dated."
-i was so angry, i stormed out of the room, got a drink and lit a cigarette. then as i was smoking, i recalled bobbi on myspace and stormed back into the apt, bursting into the bedroom where he was, shouting, "bobbi?! isn't that girl from chicago on your myspace page, isn't she????!!!" i was infuriated to the max. he said, "no" like it was ridiculous i could think such a thing.
-a short time later he came out to apologize for upsetting me. he hadn't realized that writing was on that 'gish' paper and by the way, what felt more intimidating and upsetting was the fact that as he explained further- it was actually James Iha who wrote that on the autograph, teasing him about Bobbi.
-apparently Bobbi was a good friend of James Iha of smashing pumpkins. my fiance and his close friends at that time were friends who hung out with the smashing pumpkins at shows, like friends apparently. so anyway, it made me feel all the worse. I certainly have never met the smashing pumpkins let alone have ever hung out with them or been 'friends' in real life like this Bobbi. still, at this time, he had told me when abruptly asked she wasn't the same bobbi on myspace.
-a week later after it bubbling and boiling over inside of me, and too much to drink, vodka coctails at hardrock cafe are potent and I had drank way too much just from one drink at that place apparently...i confronted him when I least expected [it was the alcohol releasing all inhibitions] and since he didnt expect it or see it coming, he answered without even realizing he had told me the opposite answer only five days prior.
he admitted when I confronted him that the bobbi on his myspace page and he'd been in contact with since 2007 we'd been living together and engaged, was the same girl he'd kissed and everyone thought was his GF, the same girl friends with james iha, yes she was indeed that same fucking girl he had denied to me. and he claimed he was drunk, lonely, desperate and didn't really remember it. I thought, thats nice, I felt angry for many reasons. He hadn't been fully honest with me and had denied it was the same girl earlier in the wk for one.
Second, he had been the typical male i hate who uses girl when they are drunk and lonely and horny. he claimed they never had sex but who is to say when he claims he doesn't even remember the kiss but just knows it happened. he claimed he didn't want to remember and he later got angry at me, he told me it was an experience he wanted to forgot and humiliated him, it humiliated him he kissed some 'ugly' girl. those were his words, not mine. Thing is WHY in the fucking HELL would you add a person u would like to forget and call them a friend and show them to your fiance if you really didnt want to remember, relive the past or have to tell me all about it. It makes no fucking sense but I guess he just doesn't think.
You know, i hate liars. he doesnt think omission of facts = lies or lack of disclosure/ being upfront with me= dishonesty but I do.that's where we don't see eye to eye because our definitions are obviously vastly different.
Then more was revealed the nite of the hard rock show when i drank too much and pulled out all the real truth from him and it confirmed everything i sensed he held back, pretty much and pretty much told me that that unsettled feeling and 'intuitive feeling' that all wasnt said and he was purposely vague- well i was right which fueled the fire of my already burning anger and resentment. jealousy.
The rest of wkend went from bad to worse. it was a pretty bad fight and i was vigilant in making my point because he was so resistant in admitting any wrong doing let alone seeing where i was coming from. its not a way i can live and i told him he needed to change, to stop dismissing how i feel and diminishing what my feelings are and validating the way i feel when i say i feel that way regardless of whether he agrees or not.
I left unnecessary stuff out but obviously the incident touched on major issues of trust, security, and respect. it was extremely hurtful to me even if unintentional and not maliciously done to purposely hurt. i feel the way in which he handles some things and doesnt honestly share is very hurtful to my trust in him, to this relationship, and shows a pattern of being untruthful when convenient for him, and when it involves 'saving' himself from my anger, disapproval, or when he fears what i will think. even if innocent, i find this way of 'being' as very dangerous and a pattern i do not want repeated anytime he fears my reaction to something. his way of solving things is simply hiding things from me and that will not work with me. ive made this painfully clear to him. it bruised me severely.
+++
this is what i wrote earlier today in regard. i elaborated above because i left out a lot. i avoided saying everything because its still raw and hurtful. and i am still disgusted although i realize jimmy is not a malicious hateful person and didnt intend to deceive/ seriously hurt me in the way that he did. I just think he is at times thoughtless and careless in a way that I cant understand.
relationship issues/fights of recent moments surrounding smashing pumpkins concert week actually: i absolutely HATE when someone omits the full and whole truth just to spare my feelings or for some petty/selfish reason. my fiance tends to land on that side of the coin. where he doesnt tell the full details and i find out and then i feel lied to and absol. pissed and enraged at him. an incident occurred recently where a girl was on his myspace page which was his 'friend' but he failed to mention in the long distant past they'd kissed before and he was teased about dating her for many years. i didn't know about her previously or any of the insides jokes but i recalled his cousin telling jimmy in front of me a few yrs back when he first met me, that jimmy could stop and see his OTHER girlfriend BOBBI. i thought it was some name that was made up or a person that didnt exist. i never thought it could be a girl jimmy really knew or anything to worry over. i was wrong. it was a real girl and an inside joke apparently made by jimmy's family and friends since something was going on but apparently it was something he was ashamed of and embarrassed over because the actions occurred due to extreme desperation/loneliness not out of real attraction or any feelings.
So I didn't know this whole story and he doesn't share things with me so it was not offered up to me so when something triggered it to come out inadvertently - the whole story came tumbling out but not without me pulling to get the pieces and fighting. He tried to downplay things and he omitted stuff, denied stuff at first. Anyone who knows me knows I have a huge hang up with anyone who chooses to lie to me and people who will say anything to cover up the truth. that is what I felt he was doing. I knew in my heart she wasnt a real threat to me but I felt hurt by his dishonesty, deceptiveness and bothered by the fact that it seems to be a pattern he acts out when he feels afraid of me or intimidated and it seems to revolve around selfishness. Nothing makes me more angry.
Apparently Bobbi wasn't his type and is a big girl. masculine like. ive seen her, unfortunately viA picture...but Jimmy never volunteered the info. that they'd kissed when he showed me an old friend had found him in 2007 on myspace and had added him. He wrote her back right in front of me and even said maybe we should get together when we came into town that spring. If I had known they had any history together [anything that involves touching or physical affection is more than a friend to me. platonic means not touching, not kissing, nothing sexual at all] - I would have NEVER been okay with him adding her as a friend, him making plans to meet up with her when we went on our vacation together. None of that is acceptable to me and it is even MORE wrong because he was never honest with me about her in the first place and its humiliating and hurtful that he would have allowed me to be in the same room with someone whom he once kissed romantically where both of them knew in their heads remembered each other in "that way" YET failed to tell me which meant the joke was on me and I'd have been the only one in the dark. There is nothing more humiliating than that, to me.
I was furious at him and I drove home the fact that it was wrong and I will not tolerate being treated this way and it is a matter of respect. He didn't feel it was a big deal because he didn't have real feelings for the girl, wasn't atttracted to her, no love/no real lust attached but it bothered me that he was so pathetic to resort to someone he didn't even really like or feel attraction towards. It made me sick. Maybe cos i feel like that is using someone and because i simply do not understand, altho he claims it wasn't that yet he didn't like her that way [he did try to stress they were only friends but as far as im concerned when alcohol kissing and making out come into the picture, that's not only friends and once u go past a certain point, its NEVER the same. this based on my own experience with men as friends who pursued more with me]
He played her up as this buddy whom he used to go to concerts with him. i found out by accident that there had been something slightly physical b/t them when he had been drunk a long time ago [like ten years back] cos he accidentally showed me something with her name on it and her name is not a common one. i questioned it and a big fight ensued. i was furious and made him take off the girl off his page.
I absolutely wont tolerate dishonesty even if innocent! she was taken off of his page in front of me and after driving it into him for three days of fighting, how he hurt me, how he disrespected me, and how I was not going to stay in a relationship with someone who had so little regard for me and my heart and couldnt show me any dignity- and after crying, sobbing, and raging- he finally got it and apologized.
It was resolved but it was ugly, unsettling and something i want to forget but probably won't. i purposely avoided writing on here just because i don't want to talk about it or be judged or even criticiqued. i feel like most people won't understand him or will blame him and most won't understand me and will think my reaction is abnormal and melodramatic. i don't really need the weight of what other people think or to know how others disapprove to be on my back right now, so thats why this one will be NO notes!!
You don't need to get anyone else to agree with your truth. You just need to live it.
Alan Cohen
Inspirational Author and Speaker
More 'Truth' QuotesBook Idea: 'Dare To Be Yourself'
