i will possess your heart -

Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.

-Ovid

we got death cab for cutie's latest cd this past weekend and listened to it on a long drive home. it was sweet, romantic, brought back memories of how we got together- which in many ways was quite unexpected, full of excitement, anticipation. i resisted his advances for more for about six months. thats kind of why the song reminds me of him, i feel like the song could have been written for me by him. i feel like the girl in this song is the girl i was in jimmy's life in the beginning.

everything about the below song [featured in my project playlist for all to hear] in music, emotion, and wording reminds me so much of my fiance [it is one of his favorite songs right now actually and i feel it is a song that makes him think of me] - and it has quickly become a favorite of mine as well. the long instrumental introduction is beautiful mesmerizing, emotional and captivating all at once. i love the piano in this and the melody of it all.

it's one of those songs that gives me chills, moves my heart, takes me back, reminds me of how we met and how we formed. the way our love has grown over time. the words in the song convey very much how he projected himself towards me before i allowed him to pursue a relationship with me. i was extremely resistant and hard to get. it's incredible to me that things turned out as they did and it still amazes me how things can do a complete 180 degree turn when you least expect it...and the way feelings can change.

i was very closed off to him, emotionally, romantically and that is why i resisted him. due to previous past hurt and abuse by men i had been with, i felt seering bitterness and absolute divine hatred towards men, and in all honesty, i didn't think we'd click. out of fear, i oscillated between doubt and certainty in an inconsistent way which is why i pulled back from him for some time to sort myself out and figure out what i wanted.

in ways the push and pull, tug of war, back n forth reminds me a lot of pride and prejudice. something like that.

it was that i was determined. i was determined to be rigid, stubborn, not let any man easily in especially him and for some reason i'd chosen him to challenge myself with. i felt my mind was set, and what i was attracted to was the opposition of him and the feelings that came along with it all.

i can't really make anyone understand but can only say that i was extremely determined in the fact that i wasn't going to let another male hurt me again and so i began to teeter back n forth between showing some mild vague interest in him and gently innocently titillating him in some restrained way. i refused to be perceived as a slut but hints of sexual flirtation did seep out due to my inability to control my sexuality which is often intense. i thrive best on stimulation, danger, mystery, but i have learned to keep myself very controlled and under wraps since being in a seriously committed relationship and i do not allow myself to stray.

[in my past, i was wildly careless, impulsive, flirtatious and unrestrained.]

with him, i wanted to be perceived differently so i think i made him work harder and didn't give of myself so carelessly, so freely, so easily. i wasn't going to let anything be easy this time. i think part of that was anger towards the men before him who had ruined, damaged, destroyed everything inside of me. that's why at a certain point, i pushed jimmy away and said i needed space and i avoided him literally for three months.

he must have given up. and out of the blue one december day right before christmas was to roll around, i suddenly woke up with realizations and regret. i suddenly knew what i wanted and that was a chance with him. i suddenly realized i'd been blind as to what was right in front of my eyes and i'd been insensitive.

i wish i could explain all the ways in which he tried to 'be there ' for me, cheer me up, wanting to take away my pain, make me happy, and continually asking to take me out, cook for me, take care of me but i had declined the one who was generous and kind out of stubbornness and distrust/mistrust in men, anger, bitterness and jadedness.

it was months before i realized my mistake.

it was lucky i was able to reconnect and he was able to look past my neglect, disdain, mis-sight in things. i did explain to the fullest the whys of my reaction and action towards him and apologized profusely. i feel in ways i really did hurt him with my rejections at his advances. and i mean numerous rejections. i felt horrible over that for a long time. i wasn't the honorable person i so prided myself in - at the start of us forming a potential 'relation-ship' although neither of us knew if we wanted romance or not.

the only thing obvious was that we were both looking for someone to love and to be loved, deep down and with jimmy, it was also the allure of challenge, the feeling that comes after resistance, the build up of tension that creates suspense and in ways, excitement.

when you fight something sometimes it seems like maybe it was really yourself you were fighting against. and it builds real suspense, and arousal in ways. the tension creates the need for release which results in sexual tension and then, afterwards there's always that immense rushing feeling of giving in, but not in a bad way, in a way that feels almost orgasmic like some heavenly release. like, you've opened your heart to something, someone new. that feeling of opening, and finding- surprising yourself, doing something you thought you'd never do, going outside of yourself, going deeper- that in itself is the highest of highs -

sometimes the best aphrodisiac are my memories- hands down!

i can't quite explain the exhiliration i felt when this all occurred and the nite we first met. lets just say we did click in every way and it was electric.

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/11988325643/standalone

How I wish you could see the potential,

The potential of you and me

It's like a book elegantly bound,

But in a language that you can't read just yet

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

There are days when outside your window,

I see my reflection as I slowly pass

And I long for this mirrored perspective,

when we'll be lovers, lovers at last

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

You reject my advances and desperate pleas

I won't let you, let me down so easily, so easily

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

-Death Cab For Cutie