bikini kill:desensitize the mind [illusion vs real]

I never got to share this as I could barely get myself motivated to wear LET ALONE 'share' such things, LOL, but when I first got my three new bikinis from Target at the start of the summer, I tried taking self-portraits of myself in them to convince myself my body wasn't that bad.

I have this slightly weird way of thinking...

...Somehow I think if I can get used to seeing what I see myself as - fatty and sloppy then maybe I can begin to get used to my body and eventually see it as normal. Is that strange?

Let me explain, anyone who sees me or meets me in person tells me I am crazy to think I am fat but yet all I can see myself as is fat and sloppy. I want to get over that "belief" and somehow learn to feel I am okay and that being natural is being beautiful.

Is it unrealistic? LOL Maybe. But I still want to try..




[pix from earlier in summer: June/July 2008]

I still feel uncomfortable when I see these pix and it doesnt help matters much that I am makeup-less and therefore feel unattractive and SO NOT pretty LOL.

Somehow I'm hoping these pix will convince me that I'm not hopeless or really fat, and that it's all in my head. I have this weird idea that if I see the pictures enough times maybe I can become desensitized to those uncomfortable/unsettling feelings and change the way I think about myself, change the way I see myself so poorly or negatively.

Here's hoping one day I can conquer this!

I just think with the wedding approaching, I feel even more self-critical than usual and that anxiety has developed into extensive worrying over if I will be beautiful enough, thin enough, young/youthful enough to be the perfect bride for my groom. I wish I could get over the feelings that leave me feeling yucky and just stuck. It's not a good place to be in.