contrast + compare.

reminiscing, i found this past entry from my birthday on november 1st of 2006-- it ties to my recent previous entry on the gifts i am giving alexcia on saturday for her 7th birthday as that was the first time I saw Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas and since I am nearly a Halloween baby LOL-

Since, I am nearly a Halloween baby [born day after] LOL- i found it a perfect way to spend my birthday back in 2006. my fiance took me to watch the special release for the holiday season in 3D at a really big theater in a hip area in st. pete.

you can see what i mean by the pictures below. i've just copied the past entry in order to share this memory with current faves. :) some of these are my most favorite pix of myself from that year!

this is how i used to be and look, prior to moving in with my fiance. [that's why i get depressed over the way i look as of late!]

i was a lot thinner there by ten pounds. 10 sounds tiny but on my body, its been huge + horrible. once i tackle all this wedding stuff and get situated in life, emotions sorted, treated- i intend to overcome this and conquer it. just from being sick recently, i unknowingly LOST some weight. its the lowest ive weighed in a few yrs so i was pretty shocked. im sure it has to do with cutting out coke, and drinking small servings of gingerale, water or gatorade in exchange. as well as barely eating due to pain and disinterest in food.

i am still sick as i've been all week in that i have been crampy, nauseaus, weak, feverish, coldsweat, migraines, upset stomach and all that but also just got my period so i've found a new pain to battle, the cramps have been horrible.

midol isn't even working. i still can't believe i could lose weight while i've got my period and am bloated. it always puts on a few pounds extra. i guess i really have been sick. :(

i just still can't believe that i am down to 101 pounds.

i weighed 107 in july or august.

because of being sick and also having alexcia's birthday to celebrate tomorrow- everyone felt it best i cancel my bridal gown alteration appt because my stomach is tender, sore, bloated, i have my period + my weight is uncertain now. it would have been my first fitting but it's way too overwhelming and stressful after what i've been thru this week and i am so drained from being sick that i can't emotionally handle a whole lot.

we've rescheduled for next wkend. i will be off my period by then and hopefully i will have recovered from this sickness so i can be strong enough to tackle what i need to do for my wedding. sigh.

anyway back to sharing this past memory..

i loved how these came out and it makes me wistful to be like this again.. but it's been impossible ..i am hoping i can get back to this, in the near future. i had a lot of confidence back then and this was only 2 yrs ago. i've really become so burned out lately.

anyway, i DID have so much fun posing for these..i hope i can experience that one day again :)

+++

Pictures From my birthday this evening with Jimmy- he took me to Bay Walk in downtown St. Pete and we had dinner at a nice place called- Too Jay's. He had a chicken salad sandwich while I had a salmon fillet entree with roasted potatoes and asparagus. It was pretty good.

Afterwards, he thought he'd take me to a movie that was specially being offered there and not by him and a favorite one of his from the past- (I had never seen it but liked it and thought it was cute) Tim Burton's The Nightmare before Christmas in 3-D film.

After, we took a few pix around bay walk and then by venoi park in st. pete, here are the pix from that nite!

Oh, he also gave me a very sweet and touching beautiful I love you card for my birthday and he wrote how much I mean to him, how happy he is to have me and how proud of me he is with the progress I've made in the past yr and that he will continue to be here to help me in the next yr and then wrote how lucky he is to have a beautiful, brilliant, caring and loving person like me and that he couldn't ask for more. I didn't open it til he had dropped me home and I was alone so it was very touching to my heart as I wasn't expecting it. (he has been expressing love to me since the beginning of october after we had an important talk but this was the first time he ever gave me a love card or anything so romantic and associated with love so it makes me very happy!)

He did give me my birthday present a week early (gucci - rush perfume) and is taking me to two concerts and included that as part of my bday gifts (the cult this friday and on tues, the twilight singers) and I think he wish he could've given more but I was very happy with what he gave me and most importantly that I got to spend any amount of time with him on my birthday. It was very sweet, nice and romantic. Anyway I just wanted to share my day and share some pictures below.

(i color fixed most of the pix, some of them I will include the original with the closer cropped version afterwards, and certain ones if they were sharp and vibrant enough- I also converted to black and white. They came out really beautifully! Enjoy :))

see below! (this was before we lived together and in our first year of dating, by the way :))

Before Jimmy picked me up with alexcia:

Then, off we went to see the special 3D version of 'the nightmare before christmas' at a theater by the pier in downtown st. pete:

+the end+

i could've done without nurses' condescension!!

this is an afterthought in reference to entry on my recent ER experience and should have been written with it when posted but i was too sick and overwhelmed to get it all down and of my chest.

so here is another chunk of that experiences which coincides with my ER entry.

the nursing staff was less than professional, this is for sure.

The two nurses I had were a bit aggravating. They were both condescending towards me for some reason. Just because I asked what it meant if I had to have a pelvic exam since the first nurse mentioned this, she got all weird and annoyed at me and started talking really slow, ennuciated like I was stupid or a baby and said she was just telling me that I might have to get one since I said I had some pain in that area and she was letting me know if I did that I would need to do it so they could find the problem etc. I thought her tone was way OUT OF LINE, RUDE and totally unprofessional.

I don't care if she is annoyed or irritated that I didn't get what she was saying. I am sick and it is her job to understand that when you aren't feeling..well, you don't understand everything so quickly and maybe cannot comprehend as fast. Also it is her job to be caring and nurturing because she IS a nurse!! I was quite appalled. but Jimmy seemed unmoved by it all and didnt seem to notice the things I did.

I just felt at that point it was obvious I was very ill, feverish, unable to focus because of pain, out of it because I was very sick and just fraught with anxiety and upset.

I realize the ER is a very stressful place to be and to work in that sort of environment however...C'mon! There is absolutely NO excuse for not doing what you trained to do- and that is to care for and help people who are sick. This includes being ethical and professional. It was severely lacking here but I've had other ER experiences in Chicago and I admit that was not the greatest but I am thinking it was better than here looking back on it now.

Those times in Chicago, I was there for inability to stop throwing up and given a huge painful shot right in my upper thigh/buttock. My reason for going to the ER was very much like this time minus the vomitting and except it was snowing + my ex + I had to take cab at 5am] With all that said...I feel like this recent experience in the ER was wayyyy worse and I was way sicker than the Chicago episode which happened about 10 or so years ago.

Back to the nurses assigned to me in this ER visit..I just felt it was no way to talk to me. I felt it incredibly rude and unrealistic to expect me to be in a chipper mood let alone that I was able to understand everything she was saying when Ii felt so overwhelmed after having to tell my story, what was wrong, symptoms, my medical history to at least anywhere b/t 5-8 different medical professionals (I lost count at some point).

One more thing about the first nurse that very much disturbed/bothered me was that when I expressed fear in what putting an IV entailed and if it meant a needle in my arm and such- her reply was anything but soothing and seemed taunting and almost subtly mean-spirited/hostile.

Expressing fear of needles and not recalling having an iv in my arm in any of my past brushes with ER incidents [which I later remembered I had had back in chicago but it was so vague I forgot and that nurse wasnt as scary plus the IV didnt stay that long in my arm while this was in my arm for hours on end] Anyway the nurse's reaction towards me was unnerving, anxiety provoking and NOT comforting at all. In fact, it seemed sarcastic and made me uncomfortable. I felt very put off with her forceful insensitive personality. She went on to say yes there would be a needle in my arm and what do u mean? this was her FAVORITE part of her job. She laughed. I did not. I did not think she was funny at all. In fact, it upset me but I kept it to myself.

She also made effort to say- "oh i see where you've had blood drawn before there is a scar there..." then went on to say she was trying to get that vein to show by tapping it as since I was dehydrated it was not standing out very well and she'd hate to have to stick me more than once or make a mistake. She went on in this form of talk for minutes only increasing my unease, anxiety, nervousness, and fear.

I did NOT feel like she was a good nurse at all for doing this. I have had many caring nurses who soothe and comfort you, say things to lessen anxiety and calm you BUT this one actually seemed to enjoy producing more fear and anxiety knowing I was someone who was obviously already very nervous and ill at ease. I felt it uncalled for.

The second nurse got mad at me when I was unable to produce a stool sample. She basically was near yelling at me and agitated as if I had done it on purpose. She also spoke to me like I was a baby and like she was pissed off at me and frustrated. The thing that upset me was that I had tried very hard even though I felt I may not be able to do it and went thru the grossness and humilation of it all and still it was not good enough for her.

I felt if she had seen I'd tried she should have been satisfied with that as she had told me to just try, and it was ok if I didn't get it but to at least try..however it didn't seem it was ok when I couldn't get the sample. In fact, it seemed like she felt I had done this to HER on purpose and was trying to go out of my way to inconvenience her and make her job hard. She seemed very nervous as if in training, and inexperienced as if new.

Later this nurse got nicer when I thanked her gratefully for connecting my IV to fluids and taking my blood pressure. After that she seemed to be nicer towards me and dropped that attitude. She was a little asian woman but I couldn't figure out if she was Japanense or Filipino. I wasn't sure but in my mind was wondering the entire time she was in my presence..I never did get her name.

in recovery- have been very sick. [asthma]

i haven't been around or online all week because i have been in pretty bad shape all week b/t struggling to breathe - extreme tightness of chest to the point where all the muscles around my chest/back and my whole torso area has felt stiff / and possibly swollen/inflamed by the asthma symptoms and asthma attacks. to a point where it has been hard to move, eat, lay down, even pee. anything i have to exert energy into or anything that involves having to breathe including talk has been painful due to lack of air / oxygen to breathe because of tightness around lungs.

for those that don't know, asthma makes it where your air passages are almost virtually blocked. its like trying to breathe thru a straw and can feel like someone stepped on your chest and crushed your air passage. i often think of an example. imagine if your air conditioning vent was stepped on and crushed And how the air would barely be able to get through or out of the system. that's how it feels. then on top of that i began getting heart palpitations and fluttering, racing heart that felt so dangerously high.

i got scared to the point where more than one day i wanted to either call an ambulance or go to the emergency room because i was afraid i might die due to lack of air, not being able to breathe, and a racing heart that made me feel like having a heart attack. i assume the racing heart is a result of the medications i am on for asthma and coupled with anxiety in general.

so each and every day this week, in fact every second, minute, hour has been a struggle where i don't know how i can get thru the day or thru anything much longer. i haven't been able to even relax, read, watch tv, or do hobbies enjoyably the way you can when you are "sick" - at least if you have a cold or a flu you can usually lay down and watch tv to pass the miserable time or even read at some point but with asthma this isn't so.

everything that requires breathing feels like torture. including laying down to sleep because laying down worsens the tightness in the chest/lungs and blocks the air passages. and at the same time, my whole chest is so sore from struggling to breathe, that it has hurt to breathe and has been absolute suffering, misery and torture.

i am still not feeling that well but wanted to drop a quick entry to let everyone know i am alive but i am working on recovering and until the asthma attack has been fully treated and healed, i will need a break and not be able to write here. probably will be back and feeling better by the end of the week at the lastest- hopefully.

i should stress that this hasn't been a minor event as its affected every part of my life and jimmy too for which i feel bad over but have no conrol over. during this time, i've had to steer away from watching any tv that involves too much laughing as it only makes my chest tighter and less able to breathe, anything on tv that would trigger upset or fear/anxiety, anything in general in my daily life that evokes emotional upset. for instance, fighting and arguing with someone [with my fiance for instance] and getting upset will trigger my asthma to worsen.

emotional distress and upset effects asthma and worsens it so ive had to steer away from that but have had some arguments where my breathing got worse and i was crying because i was so upset and frustrated over the feeling i cant breathe or do anything and i feel tormented.

also, i have not been able to go anywhere much all week. i have gone grocery shopping twice but even that was difficult as going out in the humid weather or being in public seems to exacerbate the asthma. it is also completely triggered by hot and humid weather, allergens/pollen in the air and environmental elements which florida is full of esp during this season. it has not been a good week and i am looking forward to where i can breathe again and get past this, heal and recover. i have been really sick to the point where i am pretty much house ridden but even relaxing in my own place hurts and has kept me from doing much at all. because of the asthma attack, i am not able or allowed to even exercise or do aerobics due to the asthma.

i did see a doctor at an emergency walk in clinic on thurs evening and even though they were not supposed to give out prescriptions for asthma as it isn't a clinic that specifies in something that serious or in chronic disease which is what they categorize asthma as, the dr was young, exceptionally empathetic and kind and he believed me when i said i couldn't get a dr appt or anyone to take medicaid in tampa and he was very apologetic but stated the system was a mess and he was sorry i had to go thru this but he would give me the prescription i needed [which was advair, a preventative powder inhaler to go with albuterol for treatment of asthma attack and prevention of attack that i had run out of and precipitated the attack. he said going off of it likely triggered my asthma attack since that is around when it occurred]

in any case, the emergency clinician gave me enough for 2 refills after i filled it so that i could have enough time to find a primary care dr who can give me the full attention i need for something like asthma which needs regularly monitoring and to be consistently on medication. so, ive been taking advair and albuterol along with singulair everyday since seeing the dr. [i was taking the last two prior but it doesnt work much if you aren't also taking advair with it]

i think i will get better but its going slowly which is expected given i didn't get treatment until after a week of severe asthma attacks. i am just glad i didnt end up in the hospital or dead. there have been several times during the last almost two weeks where i was scared enough that i thought i might die from not being able to breathe. of course with my history of panic attacks and anxiety- it has been a challenge because not being able to breathe triggers intense panic and anxiety for someone like myself and someone with my chemical makeup/ background history.

this weekend i haven't been able to go anywhere outside of my apt. and i have felt bad as jimmy wanted to look at more houses [those two we bid on have contracts on them so its unlikely we will be able to get either of them] but it is so stressful and being in the heat in a tiny car for 4 to 6 hrs is the worst thing i could do when suffering from full blown asthma.

jimmy even said he wished we could go to the movie theater this weekend. i thought the same thing myself but sadly knew i am in no condition to go out to any public outing including a movie theater which would be a disaster and nitemare should i feel i absolutely cannot breathe in the theater and want to go home etc. he said he understood that but sadly its taken all week to get that across his mind as he isn't asthmatic and seems to sometimes ignorantly act like i should be able to just get over it.

- mind over matter? yeah, you can take that approach with many things but not when you're talking about asthma and breathing. being able to breathe is like life or death. this is serious and i am not going to take any chance with my health!!

i probably will stay house ridden for most of this week and work on just resting and recovering until next weekend, saving my energy and air for when we can go out house hunting again or anywhere that involves social stimulation. right now, i just want to get better and i don't want to die. if that means refraining from things that are pleasurable or stress inducing then i have to do it for myself.

i am praying for some relief as its been absolute hell and i can't even put it into words for those who have never experienced asthma but if anyone has ever had severe asthma, then they would understand precisely what i am talking about.

it really does suck because i realize i am going to be struggling with this for the rest of my life and there are going to be certain seasons like spring and summer where it is easily triggered and i have to be careful to avoid things that might trigger. this makes it feel like i am restricted and like i can't be like everyone else who is normal without asthma. and it certainly isnt helpful that jimmy doesn't have asthma, because i still don't think he fully understands what it's like and how asthma is a physical illness, and extremely hard to control esp when we live in a tropical climate that is one of the worst states in the United States when it comes to high allergy/pollen count and asthma.

anyway, if it doesn't fall thru, i have an appt this friday with a primary care dr at 11am. i am hoping by then i will be feeling better than today and that i can get things and my health in order and back on track. its hard to focus or concentrate on anything when i feel like this and can't even work on wedding details because focusing means exerting more breathing and its not something i have a lot of now. :(

I am upset but I can't fully tackle the problem or situation right now- over the fact that the psychiatrist we found for me covered by my medicaid/ united healthcare insurance was unexpectedly cancelled this past week. they claimed in their message they no longer accept medicaid. this, after calling about 30 drs who all said NO- they dont take my ins therefore i can't see them.

So now its back to the drawing board. this means a longer wait and no relief for anxiety, manic mood swings i experience. ive also run out of the tranquilizer which helped anxiey and helped me sleep more regularly and lessened my insomnia.

I cannot get that narcotic which is an anti anxiety (benzodiazepene) without a psychiatrist so i am screwed. This means intense insomnia will be back bigger and stronger and worse waves of anxiety because getting off that drug and having nothing to fall back on triggers withdrawal as ive been on it before and yes it is an addictive class of drugs and only prescribed to people [most of the time] who have severe anxiety and usually diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

I don't know what I am going to do or how I will find a dr. but I can't concentrate on that now. I have to focus on getting better physically and restoring my breathing- getting my asthma under control, first and foremost. it might be a month before i feel fully back to normal and it sucks :(((


i will say so long for now and will be back when i am feeling better. i hope everyone is doing well and i promise to catch up when i feel i've overcome this and am back in good enough health. until then, have a great remainder of a weekend everyone! :)