a bit better.

i am starting to feel a bit better. not one hundred percent back to normal yet, but recovering. i feel about 75 percent better today than i have these past few wks. i am on medication. and i have three appts with this new dr/health clinic in the next two mos because this place is sort of welfare oriented, that means you have to have a million appts to take care of one issue. i have separate appts for: follow up, chest xray and blood/lab work. i think it is fucking ridiculous and nearly lost it. as in stressed and fucking pissed off. it shouldn't be this hard. but that is how the system sucks when you are on disability and also the place is not in the best area, surrounding areas rough/ghetto and unfamiliar to me. its not near either and i do not drive or have a car . jimmy cannot take me to every appt. i am anxious going somewhere i dont know well and is rough in areas. he doesnt get it and has a problem with giving sympathy or seeing thru my point of view so it caused some extensive arguments. do not feel like going into it right now although we've had some good talks about what i need in this relationship in terms of empathy, kindness and care when i am sick or do not feel well or feel strongly about something but even though that went over well which i will share another day when my energy/health has fully recovered- he is very slow to learn, understand and change his attitude/actions/behavior.

For now, here is an example of a lengthy email I wrote him to express myself and resolve problems in our relationship that needed attention. I wrote this last week on 6/23- b/t sickness/asthma and problems like this with Jimmy - I have had my hands full, been up to my eyes in stress/distress. It was a pretty terrible time that I pushed for us to work thru together and for most of my time being sick, he wasn't all that emotionally supportive or nurturing- and that was extremely disconcerting to me. I dont think he was raised that way and feel like after talking to him after he read my letter that it was quite apparent most of his attitude comes from how his parents treated him. I hit the nail on the head and I was only guessng. he was raised with very high expectations and with the mentality esp since he is male, that sickness is weakness and emotion is weakness. therefore toughing it out, ignoring, pretending, hiding feelings is seen as strong. showing feelings or weakness/sickness is seen as being weak/inferior and plainly thinks tougher is better, and that sympathy or empathy is not to be garnered no matter how bad you feel. I strongly disagree as I express to him in my letter and it in fact makes me angry. I think hiding and denying feelings are a sign of weakness. I believe showing and talking about feelings, that is the ultimate sign of strength. I get very frustrated at his ways of thinking, feeling, skewed beliefs but I will just leave it at that. I don't want to tear him down in my diary or have people misunderstand Jimmy or dislike him. I just think sometimes he really doesn't understand and I just don't get it. It upsets me and I have to vent when it does. That's why this one will be no notes. I don't need any advice, because I know what to do and I take action where there are issues and trouble in my relationship before I ever share it on this site. But, I am just recounting what has happened to document what has been happening in my life, what I encounter, and how we are working to solve, fix, remedy that. I share with everyone what is going on to fill in the blanks from time to time and because I am honest and truthful.

This is what I wrote him:

6.23.08

I haven't slept since you left. I only slept a few hrs and couldnt stay in the room cos of that strong scent of deodorant in the room or whatever it was. It bothered my asthma. So I just transfered to the couch but never got around to sleeping.

I am going to lay down now but wanted to just drop you a line and let you know I did all the dishes for you except those few dishes I asked if you could do last week but you didn't. I don't really feel well in terms of breathing but I know you have a busy and stressful week ahead with Michelle gone and I know things have been stressful because of my asthma and wedding planning and everything else that is going on in our lives so I did most of the dishes for you, to relieve some of the stress.

I am sorry Ive been so edgy and angry lately but I truly feel like I am physically suffering and am really struggling with the asthma- its not only that I feel rotten physically but its got me very depressed and at times frustrated so much. I want to sob and cry but it hurts to breathe and I dont have the energy so its like I can barely cry and I feel completely blocked. Not being able to cry is extremely distressing to me because it is the only way I can release tension and when I cannot, I feel even more tense and upset / anxious inside. I have cried on and off all week but there have been times where I just wanted to start sobbing but my chest hurt so badly, I couldn't even physically cry and it was painful to not be able to. That happened yesterday afternoon.

I just want to get better but its so slow and I have continuous hours and hours where I just feel like I am struggling to do anything because I feel so bad physically. Last nite I could barely sleep because after taking a few throat drops for my asthma, my teeth began to hurt really bad to the point I had to numb it with anbesol at 5am - and it was half my mouth, top and bottom that were hurting- intense pain. Maybe that is where the cavity is. I'm going to have to fix that one day but will have to wait til next month I guess cos I just dont feel well enough right now to undergo that sort of unpleasantness. I think eventually the asthma will get better but its going to be slow and its going to take time, at least a week - maybe two wks for the medicine to get fully in my system and work.

All I ask is for your attempt to understand and empathize with me with this situation UNTIL i can fully heal from this and most of all I need your patience and kindness towards me when I really feel extremely bad most of the day and nite. I'm not using this as a way to cause drama or get attention from you.

I really DO feel bad and would never make this up. I want you to believe me and know / trust that I am not making it up or even exaggerating in the least when I say how I feel. Maybe the dr appt will elicit something positive, maybe they will give me something for the breathing or that machine with medicine to help me recover faster. I don't know but I have to hope that that dr visit will make things better for my health.

People with asthma are very emotional people in the first place which is often a link or correlation so when I get upset the asthma does get worse. I'm not asking you to kiss up to me and spoil me, I'm just asking for you to make the effort to not say things or bring up topics that you know might upset me or cause an argument UNTIL I am better. Like making decisions about most BIG things right now [like big life decisions particularly choosing homes to look at and such] is the last thing I have the physical or emotional energy for, its highly stressful and everything that requires deep thought and time, for me, requires a lot of concentration which equals a lot of breathing and it hurts to breathe. I just want you to understand that fact.

You may not have asthma and never understand what its like but it doesnt hurt to go out of your way to attempt to understand and garner some sympathy/empathy when you see someone you love is suffering.

Mostly it hurts me when what I feel is not validated. I want my feelings to be taken seriously, respected and heard. To me, that means showing nurturance and extra kindness the way anyone does or should when taking care of someone who is sick - whether it be a flu or any kind of illness. That is the way loving couples treat one another and it is the way you show love to someone in your relationship and most esp in your future marriage.

Maybe you are accustomed to toughing it "out" when you are sick and don't like sympathy or care from other people around you or your significant other or maybe you have never gotten it. But that is very vital to a healthy and emotionally thriving relationship particularly a long lasting marriage. So anyway, I think sometimes there is a disconnect between you and I as my definition of nurturance is nowhere near yours or what I think nurturance is the definition of in any book on healthy relationships. And possibly it is that you aren't accustomed to being nurtured or werent in the past, but I am accustomed to be treated with nurturance and emotional sensitivity and care in a relationship and I am nowhere near that kind of mentality of toughing anyone out or "appearing strong" by not being weak or needing attention/care/love. I need it, its part of being human and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is normal. Maybe you were raised that emotional nurturance/warmth/care was not used for those sick or not feeling well, but I don't flourish in that sort of environment that lacks nurturance, I die emotionally - I wither. I suffer from emotional deprivation, it kills a relationship for me.

Toughing it out breaks me down and makes me weaker. It does not strengthen me and it makes me very resentful/bitter when those sort of "mentality ideas" are forced upon me just because that is your own self-belief and way of doing things. It is not my self-belief nor my way of handling things and treating me like a child and telling me to be more self reliant when I am sick, is not nurturing, its acting like a mean parent and its cold/rigid and will push me away if you act that way everytime I am not well. It does come across as very harsh, unfeeling and like someone who thinks its wrong to show they are in pain or weak or sick. I don't believe it is wrong and I don't want to be treated like it is wrong to show I am in pain and I need care from the one I love. It is not weakness, it is normal human need that everyone feels whether they admit it or not.

So please understand, the above, toughing out sickness and putting on a brave face /hiding how I feel to make you happy and less stressed- that doesn't work for me and I find that very unhealthy. You should never hide how you feel from your lover or have to pretend to feel or be something you aren't. And, I don't mean this to sound hostile towards you, but I want to be heard and understood that I am not you and am my own person and what works for you does not work for me. I want you to learn to accept me for who I am and understand what I need from you.

Please understand that I am not saying I do not want to better myself but in some situations such as being in the midst of an asthma attack, its very improper and feels extremely cold and unnurturing when you to get angry/stressed at me for me asking you for help with doctors and such. Telling me you are trying to get me to help myself when I am struggling with something as serious and fatal as asthma is very misplaced and not appropriate due to the nature of asthma.

I understand you want me to learn to help myself and become more self reliant but you need to learn to discriminate when you should ask and expect that of me and what situation that pertains to. Logically, anyone who understands asthma fully, would never ask that of anyone they love. When you love someone and you see they are in bad shape, you don't ignore what is right in front of you- you pay attention and you do whatever it takes to nurse that person back to health, to aid in their healing and make things easier for the person who is obviously weaker than you at that moment.

It is the wrong place, wrong time to use that train of thought when I am struggling so much, not just physically but emotionally too and it is counterproductive to ask a sick person to do the things I was asking of you and did not help me get better, in fact it actually has prolonged my asthma and worsened the condition I am in, in the long run. Because without arguing and making such a major issue/argument over helping me, I would have gotten better faster. Less stress= healing and recovering from asthma. Arguing and not helping= me getting sicker and staying sick longer.

I do not rebound well if I don't feel emotional support and nurturance. Without it, I am not resilient, I become the opposite of resilient. I do not thrive. I cannot cope.

You have to stop comparing me to yourself because we aren't one and the same person, we have not had the same life experiences, we were raised completely differently and how I react, cope or deal with things is much different than you due to what I have been thru in my lifetime and it isn't going to ever change because I am April and there is only one of me. So please learn to accept me and love me for who I am.

When you tell me how you see things and how you would do this and this and this so differently, it doesn't come off as being warm or helpful, it comes off as being critical/stiff and close minded and most of all it hurts me which triggers anger inside and then I blow up because I can't handle being judged/criticized.

People who accept and love their partner for who they are don't say things like that or make you feel bad with the way you view, cope or handle things or tell you that their way is the "only right way".

If you truly understood me and accepted me, you would never even tell me how I should cope or react or how you would be if you were me. To me that is an indication that you don't accept that I have a different view than you, different way of handling things, different way of reacting and coping with life and things that are hard and it also indicates that you don't really understand where I am coming from and you don't want to try to. I need you to try to understand me, even if you don't. I need to see you attempt to step outside of your view of things so you can see past your limitation/restriction of what you believe is true for you but honestly is not going to be true for every person in this world because we are all different. Some people will relate to you and some will relate to me but it is a fact that not everyone thinks or believes the same as you and that doesn't make other peoples viewpoints wrong.

When you love someone, you try to see through their eyes and you do make an attempt to "try" to put yourself in that persons shoes realizing that we are different people and deal with emotional/sickness quite differently. You do it because you love your significant other and because part of love means being unselfish, and giving. Sometimes giving means letting go of whatever you believe or think right then and listening / attempting to validate and understand that maybe we see things differently but you hold back those thoughts and attempt to give me the words that I need, emotionally, in an attempt to show that you are validating who I am, and attempting to understand who I am enough to accept that this "difference in thought" is a part of me and you will love me enough to accept this part of my nature.

I am not trying to complain or even make you feel like I don't appreciate you or what you do do for me in our life together because whether you believe it or not- I think about how grateful I am to have you everyday of my life and I do thank god every day for you- I swear. So please don't take this as I am trying to tear you down or devalue you. I know you often say I do not give you enough credit and I keep telling you that I do because I do in my mind and I go out of my way to show my appeciation towards you each and everytime you do anything for me. I made a vow to myself a long time ago that when I found someone to love again, which was you, that I would never take that person for granted and I would always thank them for everything, whether its taking me to a dr, calling for me, making dinner, having sex, I always go out of my way to acknowledge all that you do as its happening but just because I write about problem areas that I want addressed from time to time doesn't mean that I dont appreciate what you do for me. I think sometimes you misunderstand my real message and intention behind any email I write deeply about our relationship like this. It is because no time is made to talk when the issues are happening and you shy away from resolving or addressing anything conflicting. It gets to a point where I cannot keep letting the same conflict reocurr over and over and I simply say something via email only when I feel it is of vital importance to my wellbeing in the relationship and for the sake and health of our relationship in the long run. I don't take the time to write about things that are not a big deal to me. and that I keep seeing reoccur in a variety of fights that involve understanding me, respecting how I feel, validating my feelings which in conclusion signals that there is listening occuring from your side and communication thriving between us. If the same argument keeps coming up, that tells me there is a problem with communication and just simply listening to how I feel and providing validation.

In short, if you would take the time to understand where I am coming from and listen to how I feel, make an effort to accept certain things, many arguments and fights could be avoided and there would be less stress and tension between us. I just want things to be better because I love you and because I want both of us to be less stressed and more focused on being content with one another.

I know I have my own areas to work on but I am always trying and if only one person is trying and isn't addressing the things that cause tension [because it takes two. it isn't a one way street], then things don't get better.

Anyway, I am sorry Ive been moody lately but until I feel better, its going to be rough for me because I don't deal with suffering well at all and I find it extremely hard to cope. All I am asking for is to put it in simple words, some kindness and care - extra effort to physically and vocally show concern and love, while I am sick [and in the future if I should ever become sick again be it a simple flu or a serious health issue] and also to be given a little permission to allow me to show that I am in pain because I am and its how I cope with being sick or unwell, I have to vent to feel better and if I can't, I feel worse. I also believe nurturing someone who is sick that you truly validate and understand, involves less expectation for me to want to run around and do much [ie social events, house hunting etc. outside of necessity- food shopping and emergency places- i dont feel i can handle any outing. its even a struggle just to go to a fast food place or publix. when i go outside, the more i struggle to breathe. when i struggle to breathe, the more dizzy and lightheaded/weak unstable I feel physically. I want to build/rebuild my endurance on my own terms and what works best for my healing and to be supported in this because you want the best for me and you trust that I know what works best for me because you believe in me.

I truly feel this physical ailment is over my head and one of the worst experiences [these last two weeks] in my entire life of any physical illness I have ever endured. It has not only been torturous but also scary, and scarier even more when you feel like the person next to you doesn't validate how sick you are or show constant concern over your wellbeing, and ask how you are day to day showing they care about you and are supporting you emotionally and vocally. I appreciate someone showing care, concern worry over me far more than someone who doesn't let anyone see they worry and wants to appear as "strong" or put on a facade of strength. I don't see that as strong, at all. I see it as hiding and unhealthy, and take it as someone who is unwilling to be vulnerable and intimate out of their own self imposed fears with a need to be "tough" especially in a love relationship where there should be no walls or barriers when there is love involved.

What makes me heal and get better fast is emotional nurturance - support, kind words, attentiveness to me. This means validating I don't feel well and understanding that when you show care and concern towards me- I get better faster.

If someone is emotionally unavailable and not nurturing to me when I am unwell, I do not get better, I get worse because emotionally I internalize everything and it affects me physically so all I'm saying is if you make the effort, I will get better faster. If you don't make the effort and get frustrated at me or dont pay attention/acknowledge that I am sick by acting like I should be able to do normal things I did before I had the asthma attack- then my condition from past experience of any physical illness Ive had while lacking support/care- I do get worse and my condition will not improve and will be slow-moving. It actually makes me regress and it will take double or triple the time for me to get better.

It is not a threat and again I don't mean this in a hostile attacking kind of way- I mean this in "this is how I am. I know what makes me flourish and I know what makes me fall apart and descend downwards. and i am telling you what makes me tick and what is helpful to me and necessary." that is what i need. i don't feel like it is anything to ask at all. it is what you do for someone when you truly love them, because when someone you love is hurting you hurt back and people who love each other want to make the other person happy and if you see the other suffering, you should want to do what you can to ease that. that is what love is and that is how i treat someone i love and how i want to be treated. i believe that nurturance is a pure act of real love and real giving and i wholeheartedly believe in this all the way without any doubt in the world, i believe in this concept like more than one hundred percent. I do not mean to be redundant in all I write here and a lot of it is going to sound repetitive but if it does, it is only because I want to get my message across and it is such an important point I am trying to make for the benefit of our relationship, for the love of it and for our future wellbeing. Please listen and think about it. Talk to me later about this topic if you do not have time now but please do not avoid it or act like I didn't write this. If you don't reply to this, then I would like you to initiate discussion and mention you read this when I see you tonite and discuss thoughts/feelings as it took me two or three hours to write/revise this and I don't want my words to be wasted or pushed under the rug and ignored. Avoiding discussions doesn't create harmony, it creates imbalance and conflict, perpetual conflict and tension/stress and its not healthy.

We need to have more open communication about our relationship on a regular - at least weekly basis. If you dont make the effort then things pile up and build/build/build and it's not a positive affect, it has a negative effect on the relationship as a whole and it is something you have promised more than once to work on so please try to implement this into the basic relationship so I am not forced to write long emotional letters like this. I don't like doing it this way but feel I have no other choice, no other way, no other outlet. No choice.


I feel like sometimes you only hear me when I write in email form rather than talking it out. I just don't feel like it gets thru to you when I talk. I feel it works better [because of lack of communication] if I write first then we discuss it vocally after you've read and digested what I have written.

When I try to vocally express myself and show that I am emotionally upset at all, I get shut down most of the time by you. It is like you cannot handle any emotional upset or anyone feeling sad/upset/angry and just disconnect entirely from the person and situation which is very hurtful towards the already emotional person, me.

So, for some things, I feel expression thru writing is better and I can only do it while you are at work simply because I have privacy to write out my feelings and time to think, and because we live together, it doesnt make much sense to send it after you get home when you will be here. I prefer you to read it without me in front of you anyway. I feel its less pressure on you for me to not be in the same room and less pressure on me as its anxiety provoking and writing these things are not easy for me but are things I feel so strongly that I need to say otherwise it will ruin/ destroy me to keep it inside and to not be heard by you. Mostly I need to be really really heard.

Anyway, I hope you have a good day and want to make this a stress free week by tackling the things I view as conflictive at the start of the week and by the only way I really know how to do it with you- via email as when I talk, I feel I am not really understood therefore I am not heard at all.

I am sorry for my part in being moody and upset most of the past week and weekend and don't mean to intentionally cause you stress or any hurt, but please understand it is a reaction to how i am treated when sick and when I am feeling really bad. and on top of that I have major anxiety/mood swings because I am not on any psychiatric meds now. I am going to go thru withdrawal. I stopped taking the tranquilizer and it is going to show in how I interact/react and cope emotionally. Soon I will also have my period and this past week Ive had some premenstrual symptoms. All three of those things are enough to make anyone feel moody and stressed out and edgy. I dont mean to take it out on you and I'm sorry for when I have. Just please put into perspective the things I am going thru right now and understand why. I will try to be better but know that if I snap, its not on purpose or because I enjoy fighting or upsetting. I don't enjoy any of it but when I don't feel good, I have little tolerance for arguing, feeling unvalidated and what I most need from the person who loves me is for you to just step in, put your thoughts/opinions aside and just simply make me feel better, even if its just hugs and kisses and kind words with well wishes showing you care and you are concerned, even if you repetitively ask me how I am every day and tell me you want me to get better and hope for my healing etc. They are only words but they make all the difference to me in the world and sometimes are more healing than any sort of chemical medication. Words and love are healing and so is kindness and compassion and any amount is NEVER too much. In other words, it is helpful and beneficial to my healing and restoring of health and I can use all the compassion and love and affection right now that is possibly available. Those things make me feel better, nothing makes me feel better than that. I don't want tv or food or fancy desserts, I want you and your words of comfort, show of affection, care, kindness, watching over me, being instrumental in making me feel better.

I will let you go for now and please don't be angry or take offense to these things I have said. I am not trying to criticize you but rather am suggesting how you can help me best and telling you straight-out what I need in this relationship and is vital to my emotional health. Thank you for listening.

I don't know if I can sleep right now as I stayed up all morning and now its afternoon. I started writing this at 10:30am or so and just finished it now. But I am going to lay down for a bit. some books sold and I will send them your way if I think we have them. I havent opened the email yet as I want to get this sent to you so you read it before you leave. Thanks again for putting up with me lately. I'm sorry if my sickness has caused any strain on you and I don't mean to be a burden on you.

I love you,
April

+++

This is "no notes" as it involves personal problems in my relationship and I don't like notes that critique or tell me what I should or should not do. I do not mind validation and support but feel I am sound enough in my heart and mind to make my own decisions when it comes to my relationships and this is one relationship I believe I know what it takes to make it work and believe it is up to him and I to resolve things, not anyone else.

I've found it isn't always helpful to get advice. Sometimes that makes it worse. Like I said, support is always welcome and understanding/empathy, relating to one's struggles in relationships but I know what needs to be worked on and fixed and I'm not afraid to face it or tackle it with my fiance :)

I share here, just to share. But also largely to vent out frustrations- for myself!

(Next entry will be less serious + more relative to what is going on and upcoming events/ it will be a short catching up entry that is summarized)