Last week I felt really swamped, we had something to do virtually everyday and Jimmy's 18 yr old nephew staying with us Thurs- Sat. After that I didn't even feel like doing anything or being social and have been too emotionally drained to do much of anything including log into my diary or write period. I will soon when I regain my energy.
It's just lately I've been drained and my asthma has been really bad, sometimes to the point I feel like going to an emergency room or dr. I can barely breathe even with taking the albuterol inhaler :/ And someone has been letting their outdoor cat spray all over their patio or something because when I go out on our patio lately [the past month] you can smell pneumonia like urine all over our own outdoor patio as if it is permeated with that smell and that smell alone triggers an asthma attack. it totally sucks and the heat is driving me insane.
Right now, both Jimmy and I have been reading this book we bought at borders by Jon Krakauer- its called Under the banner of Heaven. Its compelling but disturbing about the mormons and polygamist sects which is tied to a true murder of a mother and child, so it's a true crime book but it has a lot of history and background on the fundamentalist mormons [the ones who practice polygamy and engage frequently in incest like the one that was all over the news a few mos ago where the kids were taken away. It's really quite twisted and sick how this religion is and sounds more like a cult than a religion.]
Other than that, we got a few samples of wedding invitation styles from Invitations by Dawn, three. We aren't sure if we want to go with them though as we are waiting for a few samples from David's Bridal of wedding invite styles and there's this one website called tinyprints.com I want to investigate that Jimmy's friend Colleen sent a card from for her baby announcement that is really nice quality. I went on the site and noticed there are wedding invitations to choose from by them also and want to look into the tinyprints site more before making a decision on wedding invites. We are going to be looking at them together and then we'll make a decision based on both of our opinions.
We also borrowed a wedding vow book that was written by Jimmy's parents cousin, which has some nice ones for the wedding vow, ring vow and blessings. There are some beautiful ones and I'm waiting to see if Jimmy likes the ones I picked out or if he'd rather have a different one before finalizing the decision and emailing the words we want for our ceremony to the minister.
These were the ones I liked- they are simple but romantic, and meaningful with metaphors.
For Wedding Ceremony- from book, these are the ones I liked most:
WEDDING VOW
[below is my most favorite and only favorite as there was nothing else to me that was as beautiful as the one below. this particular vow is probably a fairly traditional style of wedding vow but i prefer this one the most out of everything because all the words are completely indicative of what marriage and love should include and involve.]
I, Jimmy, take you, April, to be my partner in life./ I promise to walk by your side forever,/ and to love, help and encourage you/ in all you do./ I will take time to talk with you,/ listen to you,/ and to care for you./ I will share your laughter and your tears/ as your partner, lover, and best friend./ Everything I am and everything I have is yours/ now and forevermore.
I, April, give myself to you, Jimmy,/ on this our wedding day./ I will cherish our friendship,/ and love you today, tomorrow and forever./ I will trust you and honor you./ I will love you faithfully/ through the best and worst,/through the difficult and the easy./ What may come, I will be there always./ As I have given you my hand to hold,/ so I give you my life to keep.
Ring Exchange Vows [either number one or two]:
1. April, this ring is a token of my love./ I marry you with this ring,/ with all that I have and all that I am.
Jimmy, I will forever wear this ring/ as a sign of my commitment/ and the desire of my heart.
OR-
2. You are more precious to me today than yesterday,/ and you will be more cherished tomorrow than you are today./ Please wear this ring/ as a symbol of my eternal love for you,/ a love that transcends all of our yesterdays,/ all of our todays,/ and all of our tomorrows.
Prayers/Blessings [i think Jimmy preferred no. one and thought the second one was a little tacky]
1. May God bless you with Hope enough to keep sunshine in your love, and Fear enough to keep you holding hands in the dark; Unity enough to keep your roots entwined, and Separation enough to keep you reaching for each other; Harmony enough to keep romance in your song, and Discord enough to keep you tuning your love so it becomes sweet music to all who may hear it.
OR-
2. May these two rings symbolize the spirit of undying love in each of your hearts. Wherever you go, may you always return to one another in your togetherness. May the home you establish be such a place of peace and joy that many will find there a friend. May your love for each other be as a pebble dropped in a pond of water. Like the ripples in the water that cross and recross one another's, may your love touch and retouch all those around you throughout your life together.
+++
Aside from all this- I've been struggling with asthma and this past week was bad and today is still bad. My dr appt with a new primary physician isn't til June 27th and I couldn't make it sooner due to being a new patient and them being booked. But I am now anxiously counting down the days because Ive run out of advair which helped the asthma and chest tightness a lot and only have an inhaler of albuterol which just doesnt seem to help much and is only supposed to be used for emergencies. Right now I am using it everyday according to prescription because I can barely breathe and the humid weather has triggered my asthma.
I also have a dental filling this Friday. and then a psychiatrist appt July 11th, I think.
All these appts are nerve wracking but necessary and I'm dreading this week because I am about to run out of the tranquilizer I have been taking by my last dr. for two months now and I am going to be in trouble when I run out since its helped my anxiety immensely and made me able to sleep at nite and avoid intense insomnia. Without it, I am destined for being up all nite, being anxious and not getting any good restful sleep. I am worried/stressed over that and will have to struggle/suffer til the July appt and even then I cannot guarantee that dr [who will be new to me] will even prescribe the tranquilizer I was put on. Unfortunately I've become dependent on it as I've tried taking benadryl and other herbal sleep drugs for years, none of them worked. Only the tranquilizer [lorazepam] worked. :/
The anxiety about the above thing occurring is overwhelming and dreadful. I have 8 anxiety pills left and am prescribed three a day as needed. I usually take b/t two and three a night and it takes the edge off of my anxiety, manic feelings. What am I going to do when I run out? I am screwed and it IS stressing me out.
I hope to god that new psychiatrist will re-prescribe the benzodiazepene for me OR at least put me on an anti-anxiety medication. I already know it is a given I will have to be put back on a low dosage of depakote and I am less than thrilled but I know no other way to gain control of mood swings or restabilize myself. :/ I promise to catch up as soon as I am feeling better than this.
I woke up having an asthma attack this morning triggered by Jimmy's perfume and hairspraying. He uses both a lot and I asked him last year to use his hairspray in the bathroom separate from our master bedroom because that is how much it bothers my breathing and he has done that ever since but he always sprays perfume in our bedroom and they are very strong scents he wears.
When my asthma is not bothering me or it is a season where I feel less bothered by allergies, I can handle it. But, I am not able to handle it right now because of this past week's INTENSE asthma troubles that have not gone away at all. I know it sounds silly if you've never had asthma in your life as I don't think Jimmy entirely gets it, but when my asthma is bad or present, anything will trigger it especially very strong scents of anything whether it be perfume, hairspray, fabric softener or highly scented candles. among many other things.
I was upset when I was triggered this morning but I don't think Jimmy completely understood it is because I am struggling to keep the asthma under control and it is feeling really bad right now. It felt a little better yesterday but is back to being worse than ever because of the perfume trigger this morning and I barely slept. He apologized and I know it was not on purpose but I got irritated since Ive many a time explained to him what asthma involves and sent him many articles on what triggers it.
I just want to be able to breathe but my chest has been so tight today and almost everyday in the past week. :/
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