We do not want our final home choice to be the result of pressurized selling or the home of our nitemares simply because we settled feeling desperation to pick anything just to get a home period.
[that is more jimmy than i. im not desperate and refuse to settle. i believe that anything good is worth the wait. i also believe in making a decision that i can commit to for a lifetime and not being rash when it comes to choosing a home and buying one. i refuse to settle. if nothing is coming my way OR prices raise or its NOT meant to be right now, then i am content to accept that. id much rather wait until the time is right and have a home i love than end up with a dump i settled for just because i made decisions based on fear and desperation. jimmy thinks differently. he wants a home right away and he thinks in the negative, that he will never be able to afford a home if he doesnt buy now. i have to disagree. he has a high enough income that he can afford a home and will one day and he has pristine credit. there is no reason why down the road he couldn't ever buy a home but hes so restless, anxious, antsy to buy a home before the market changes and prices raise that he has lost sight of his prior ambitions to find a dream home that is affordable which we both love and has almost thrown away those values and is ready to settle for homes i couldnt even see him ever wanting to live in if it were an apt we were renting. its just his ideals have gone down the drain due to desparation and FEAR of never owning a home. he lacks trust in himself and the future and I don't know how to instill some faith and hope which I do have.
I've tried to make him see and I think its opened his mind a lot as he even wrote yvette a lengthy letter explaining we wanted a break and didnt want to settle for just any home [all the things i told him i felt recently] and that he had decided he'd gotten lost in the excitement of it all and lost sight of what was important to him and ourselves so he wanted to reevaluate his choices and start over from scratch, stick to his ideals and not settle even if we have to wait til something pops up that we can afford. he realizes its better to wait than regret.
Unfortunately Yvette's reply to him was short and impersonal/unfriendly, abrupt. I dont think she is happy about the decision and she has never wrote anything saying she understands where we are coming from or supporting our decision. He even expressed his regret in wasting her time and apologized in two different emails saying he felt awkward with her and hoped she understood. He showed me her replies and none of them acknowledged his apology or her giving us any understanding. I dont feel she wants to work with us anymore and really do not want to work with her anymore after some of her actions/behaviors in all this and she has hit a nerve on more than one occasion with me coming off catty and snarky in an effort to get a rise out of me. she's hardly organized, professional or competent at her job and frankly i am at the end of my rope with her and sick of having to deal with the likes of her . i dont care to see her face again. i get angry.
Jimmy on the other hand thinks he will ask her in the future to show us more houses again once we take a little break. He acknowledges he senses the same discomfort in her replies or lack of acknowledgement or hurt and seems to think she will get over it and seems completely oblivious to the fact that his decision was taken very personally by her, in my opinion and he has in a sense damaged the business relationship and cut the ties by saying what he did to her.
Its NEVER going to be comfortable now even if time passes and she lets it go. i feel its time to move on and find someone else esp someone who is not connected to his best friend. i feel that was a big mistake. this whole time ive felt his eagerness to do what she says, no matter how rash and irresponsible and hasty, has been effected by the fact that she is his best friend's sis in law. its almost as if he is obligated to impress her or he feels he has to impress her and give her a good sale. i know how he thinks and he is hungry to be liked by everyone esp people connected to his family/friends. I do not want to buy our first home with someone he is out to impress or consumed with the fear of disappointing her just because she is connected to his personal life. i feel and believe it is a HUGE mistake to go with her. because if it doesnt work out or he makes a bad choice, he is going to have to see her in the future outside of the business relationship because its his best friend's relative.
I can't force him to do-away with yvette because of his loyalty to her which seems quite wrongly misplaced due to i believe it is only that she is his best friend's sis in law and he feels pressured to not disappoint. but I am a person who has a real dislike of people who "kiss-up" or put on a facade just to make someone else like or respect them just because they are afraid to be themselves. The truth is I can't and I won't tell him what to do but I will not keep quiet about the fact that I do not like Yvette and do not wish to continue with her and that if he does, he can expect more and more future outbursts/arguments in front of her from me if provoked by her w/ sarcastic/catty remarks because my patience will wear thin and my level of tolerance is growing weak. she has already seen me blow up in controlled ways a few times and I was sarcastic and snappy towards or indirectly irritated at her and it showed - it was subtle but anyone could feel the sense of tension spilling over in the air. I do not like her and nothing he says or does will convince me otherwise.
When Jimmy did tell me he wrote Yvette a lengthy letter about us making a decision to take a break from house hunting and pull homes we had bidded on that week and cancel them based on realizing we were settling and making bad decisions and needed to re-evaluate our priorites etc, I felt so relieved. These were all the things I have been saying for months now and had argued over with him.
It moved me to know that he finally listened to what i was saying and on his own came to the realization that i was right and that he was being very hasty and him waking up has helped lessen some of the tension that gets kicked up in our relationship
HOWEVER his mother has already butted her head in this weekend, and it sounded like from what i could see [he was on the phone with her], that she was showing EXTREME disapproval of his decision to take a break from yvette. Its almost like she was telling him to rush in finding a home and to settle for any home and be unsensible, rather than waiting for the right home. his mother was lecturing him about how he needs to find a home now before the rates increase and how he's running out of time.
After this talk, Jimmy seemed anxious over getting a home prior to our wedding in november this fall, all over again, AFTER we had spoken of taking a step back and going slower with this only days before. i don't know what is in his head today. he is going back n forth. between rational logic and going with what his mother is pushing him to do and i am aggravated as hell that she has got him all stressed out again making him feel as though he will never find or afford a home in his lifetime ever and that she has undone, unravelled all my work and all the sense i had finally talked into him and into his head. I am frustrated with it all and don't even know what we are doing now. he is so all over the place and indecisive about being decisive that Im confused/lost.
Gee, I wonder why Jimmy struggles with self-doubt and has a hard time making decisions?! Could it be because his mother is always criticizing his every move [and if his father spoke more as he is ill, i know he'd be even more critical of jimmy than his mother. it is their way. and i have to say i see it as very toxic and the reason for a lot of jimmy's inability to communicate or make decisive decisions without feeling doubt in himself or feeling like he is a failure. ] He doesnt see it though as everytime I point it out, he dismisses it, downplays it, and defends her/them.
For instance, I mentioned recently that he prob felt desperate to buy a home because of his mother's constant calls everytime we look at homes to see if we found one yet and have we bid on it? and then when we haven't found anything, lecturing him he's got to hurry and buy a home. HE totally denied this when I mentioned this gently last week but then my point was proved when his mother called and he said his decision this past wkend and she kept him on the phone for longer than usual to lecture him about how she disagreed with him waiting etc.
I didnt hear her exact words but I was sitting next to him the entire time and I saw his face, his reaction and you could tell, that she was pushing him and pressuring him and making him doubt himself. and I could tell after that convo - that it affected him because weve looked at more online homes after this to add to check out in the near future AND he made statements a few times after making the decision to cool things off that sound like he is getting desperate again and i sense that he is ready and ripe to contradict his decision. in fact, i have the distinct feeling he will talk to yvette via email today and fix things in order to make near future plans. I feel anxious over this and think he will not voluntarily tell me about it or will ease it in soon, subtley to prepare for a soon-to-be outing with her. i sense that the resolve he and i decided on, is slowing slipping away and disintegrating and that he is going to retract all that he had said about taking a break because we have so much to do with planning the wedding and all and it is quite stressful. the way i feel the wedding is top priority and our marriage and making sure everything is together for our day- should come first. we committed to this date way before we even started looking for homes and that should be our primary focus. planning a wedding causes extreme stress for most and to top it with trying to find a home before the wedding is asking for it. things are stressful enough and even he is coming undone over the stressors of putting a formal wedding together and it really bears no logic to try to add more stress to your life by doing the second most stressful thing in the average couples' life- buying a first home. i am not certain my mental state can handle that much stress and strain. it is just too much for me and i feel it is causing enough distress in the relationship to cause damage. i just feel the timing is all wrong. there is no emergency, no rush to find a home before our wedding, but i can't convince him otherwise and he doesnt see the affect it is having on everything.
Its all because of his mother I believe. and it makes me really angry. I am not making any hasty decision in terms of buying a home where we will share our future lives together. I'm sorry - I am not going to allow a mistake to be made. Its not just his life, its mine too and I refuse to be pulled down into someone else's mistake when we are a unit and most esp when its all based on an irrational fear of never owning a home.
I feel he is too fixated on impressing everyone. He needs to let go a bit on this. Not just this, but we have enough stress with wedding planning and he has complained constantly. I feel its stupid on his part to try to add finding a home on top of all that.
Its like asking for suicide to add that to the mix and his idea originally was to get a home and move in, a month before the wedding. that is sooo crazy and makes absolutely NO SENSE at all.
I can be a person who lacks common sense in areas that involve emotion and scary decision-making HOWEVER in this situation, i feel we have switched roles . he is the person i typically am and i am the logical one this time. it baffles me because jimmy is very grounded, logical oriented person, stable. he doesnt jump to conclusions, make hasty choices, do things he regrets and he is slow, safe, cautious, guarded - slow to take big steps and make decisions, perfectionist about what he buys or chooses [must be flawless] so when i think of all this and i have told him this, i am completely confused as to why he has not been this way in the arena of choosing a home/buying our first home together...it's as if he has thrown out all his sensibilities, logic, values and smart decison making strategies in this situation. i just cannot pinpoint why and can only assume it is sheer desperation and fear of looking like a failure to everyone in his life and feeling he doesnt measure up and im sure its largely attributed to the jabs his parents make that convince him he is not good enough or successful enough but he'd deny this til the day he dies.
I love him and feel angry when i see how his parents have created this confliction in himself and dissatisfaction in life because their opinions have become his and i think sometimes they are overly critical, judging and superficial in their values and its everything i am against. i feel jimmy is a successful person in many facets of his life and has wonderful potential for more success but his parents attitudes have seeped into him and they block him. it makes me both sad and angry and also frustrated that i cannot do anything and i am helpless to make him see this without offending him.
