(soul.blue.print.): staring at the sun [a sunny sunday + pix]

Sunday:

Started the day by waking up around noon. Jimmy was still asleep hilariously as this is ABnormal for someone like him who rises early everyday even on his day off. He is typically up at 9am and I am generally lucky if I can wake up by 12 noon Haha. Not a morning person at all which grates on his / and his parents nerves when we visit them. I have always been a night person so sorry if they don't get it but that is my nature. I think he finally accepts me as I am and his parents have given up, but every now and then they take a jab at me, inserting that I have a problem with being up all nite and showing clear displeasure and disregard to how their insults make me feel. I usually change the subject or just say YEP with a little sarcastic laugh. I refuse to react to them OR explain myself- I don't need to define my reasons for anything. They already know why I am the way I am but fail to understand. That is not my problem. It is theirs and I don't have time to be bothered by their judgements. Could really care less if they love me or not - anyway- but of course it would be nice if they liked me just a little bit and said something that made me feel like I was good enough for their son and that centered on praise rather than criticism.

Anyway, I digress...

So we got the sunday paper which I recently got him into the routine of getting in order to get the Michael's sunday paper coupons to use towards our wedding and to cut out grocery coupons so we could save money. It amazes me that he never did this prior to me ever or used coupons. I grew up with parents or rather a mother who did this all the time and raised me to do the same as a grown up.

In my first marriage all we did was live for saving money and using coupons as much as possible where as Jimmy kind of didn't want to be bothered by the hassle because he has always made enough money to live comfortably and personally I just don't feel he has any idea what its like to struggle financially or to even be so poor you don't have enough food or are starving. Anyway, after gathering coupons and deciding which ones we wanted to use that day, we made a rough list of what we needed to buy at the store.

This was a day of chores- spent it vaccuming the whole living room and main area of apartment which was a job in itself since things are tight and it's become cluttered and disorganized as of late due to being so busy and mentally overwhelmed with so much wedding planning And other ongoing things.

I then took a shower, put some minimal makeup on and got dressed as we had to take a much needed trip to the grocery store to stock up on food and such for the week.

I have decided that on weekends even if its just chores or errands running around, i will from now on make the exerted effort to try to dress nicely, wear makeup and look nice because I want to try to break out of the rut Ive been in for the last few yrs and the last few times I attempted to do this - inc. past weekend- I have found that it greatly improves my self confidence and makes me feel a lot happier within myself.

I gather he thinks its silly...to dress up, put makeup or look nice just to go grocery shopping because he kind of made a remark like - why was i wearing makeup and taking pix just to shop at publix? he doesn't entirely get my line of thinking.

I feel like if you allow yourself to stop trying and you accept that you are in a rut but do not do anything to change it, that you make the choice to remain miserable and stagnant. I am not doing it as much for him as I am for myself.

Someone has to uplift me and I realize it isn't dependent entirely on him although it would be nice if he would make more of an effort. I take responsibility for making myself feel better about me, by changing the way Ive let myself go and swapping my old attitude out for a new one. Its odd how fall this year is feeling a lot like spring - in that I feel more positive, like I am shedding some of negative and becoming renewed by starting over again, feeling reborn.

I think its partially the impending marriage and the symbolic meaning underneath it all for me, but something in this makes me feel like the way spring feels. when the old dies and begins to grow anew after a cycle of cold mourning and death. renewal and rebirth.

I feel I am going thru something very transformational and significant.

Sunday shopping at Publix

We did our usual weekly shopping at our local grocery store which we've been going to for about two yrs now. This is a place we often go to and the main grocery store we choose to shop at. everything else is far or in unfavorable areas. I know its a sort of unexciting photo, but it was such a lovely day and felt like autumn in the air, that i couldn't resist getting a few pictures.

I know I may be strange, but I like having pix of the area I lived in so that in the future I can look back and remember what I was doing, where I was at and what period of my life I was in.

I realize in the two yrs Ive lived in this city, I have very little of pix of "my area" whereas when I lived in my parents city and in chicago, I had numerous pix in the areas I frequented and I find that now when I see that I have these, and look back on it, I am so grateful for those memories. recorded forever.

No matter how trivial or cliche, boring, plain it may seem to others, it isn't to me. I have a mind that easily flashes back to memories and it is triggered by a number of ways related to senses. It is most triggered aurally and visually for me.

My memories are heavily marked and preserved by way of visuals, sounds, smells, things connected to the senses. This is probably why I am so sentimental and nostalgic in personality. It's just the way I have always been and the way my mind and heart works and it is one of my favorite things about myself. I cherish this.

[I have often been told that I have a photographic memory. Over the years due to trauma/abuse/emotional distress, I believe that my perfect memory has suffered some and I find sometimes grasping for things I used to know or remember so well, but for the most part, I have the most vivid precise detailed memory of anyone I know or anyone I have encountered and I am often complimented for this by others because they notice it also.]