(inner voice)

Listen to your inner voice

Even if it speaks to us softly and faintly, we should always listen to our inner voice. It may give us an important warning. These warnings - a.k.a. gut feelings - often tell us that something's not quite right with what we have just been told or have just experienced. If our inner voice tells us that we should not get involved with certain people, projects, or investments then we have to take it seriously. If we ignore it, we may live to regret it.

To see things in the seed, that is genius.

- Lao-Tzu



Your mind knows only some things. Your inner voice, your instinct, knows everything.

If you listen to what you know instinctively, it will always lead you down the right path.

- Henry Winkler

But if these warnings are so important, why do we ignore them? Perhaps because they are so faint that it's easy to brush them off. Or because heeding them would require us to go against our own desires. Or because we're too concerned about someone else's feelings. Start taking your inner voice more seriously and listen to it intently until you can hear it clearly. Then reassess the situation. If you inner voice quiets down, proceed as planned. If it gets even stronger, plan a new course of action.

Has your inner voice whispered to you recently? Listen harder. Make sure you hear it clearly!

Reminder to Self:

Learn the Art of Letting Go, before It Kills You.

Write the wrongs that are done to you in sand, but write the good things that happen to you on a piece of marble. Let go of all emotions such as resentment and retaliation, which diminish you, and hold onto the emotions such as gratitude and joy, which increase you.

Arab Proverb
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Word of the Day for Thursday, September 4, 2008

immolate \IM-uh-layt\, transitive verb:

1. To sacrifice; to offer in sacrifice; to kill as a sacrificial victim.
2. To kill or destroy, often by fire.

(live local review: smashing pumpkins)

August 20, 2008

LIVE REVIEW: Smashing Pumpkins

Smashing Pumpkins drummer Jimmy Chamberlain and singer Billy Corgan perform at Ruth Eckerd Hall. [EDMUND D. FOUNTAIN Times]

CLEARWATER – There was a time, a much different time, when the Smashing Pumpkins were the biggest band in the world. Led by the bold, often bald Billy Corgan, the Chicago band bridged the gap between the disillusionment of the ’90s grunge rebellion and the hook-banging optimism of a shinier tomorrow.

Using a rambunctious form of melodic mayhem, the Pumpkins urged you to trash the bedroom (and boredom) of your single-parent home -- then forgive your working mother when she told you to clean it up.

In between now and then, however, the famously head-trippy Corgan has battled depression and bandmates, sending the Pumpkins into a state of perpetual fracture. As a result, Wednesday's sold-out show at cozy Ruth Eckerd Hall was more curiosity than comeback, as the 41-year-old former voice of his generation continued working out his demons for those who still care.

From the sound of it, many in the crowd of 2,039 still do, although let it be known that this was mostly a show for diehards only, as Corgan and his crew, including original drummer Jimmy Chamberlin, made two-plus hours of noise akin to a 747 landing on your lanai. It was often brutal, a thrashing melee of the singer's soaring yelp and his band's tumultuous playing. It was also rather annoying, although give the band credit for giving it their all.

When there was a hook underneath the racket, the show was occasionally stellar. Taking the stage in a long skirt seemingly made out of Jiffy Pop foil, the smooth-pated Corgan launched into the prickly "Tarantula" (lyric: "I don't want to fight, every single night") then followed with the new "G.L.O.W." (lyric: "I'm so alone...").

Despite the classy environs, it all had the feel of a reckless club show, the kind where it's mandatory to slosh beer on your shoes and your date. There weren't many "hits," but when Corgan dusted off a smattering of well-knowns, the crowd went loopy, a refreshing reaction in the typically staid hall.

Corgan bunched up his best songs, trying to gain a momentum that might carry through the obtuse new stuff. Early on, the Pumpkins played the searing ballad "Mayonaise," from 1993's multiplatinum "Siamese Dream." That was followed by the grandiose thunder of "Tonight, Tonight," from 1995's ambitious "Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness."

After a ramshackle barrage of forgettables, the band offered up a quiet, near-acoustic segment. This included the bittersweet lament "Today," which Corgan sweetly dedicated to "all our soldiers, spiritually, literally."

Before a confounding art-rock finale that often sounded like a fleet of ferrets scampering across a sea of guitars (oh, and the kazoo-driven cover of "In the Summertime"), Corgan unloaded the heavy-metal goodness of "Bullet With Butterfly Wings," with that unforgettable chorus, "Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage." It was sublime, a blast of what could have been.

At the very end of the show, Corgan brought out his father, a blues musician, who wailed on guitar. It was a sweet family moment. It was also really bizarre. Oh, that Billy. He may not sing for a generation anymore. But give him this: The dude is never boring.

August 20, 2008 in Live Shows, Reviews Permalink

the world is a vampire, sent to drain-

Btw, though it sounds like I complained, the Ruth Eckerd Hall concert was phenomenal and the atmosphere so much more relaxing and enjoyable. I had a good time and all their music was great. Our fave song was Eye off the lost highway soundtrack and other more known songs like: Siva and Bullet with butterflywings. The Batman soundtrack song they did was also haunting and amazing. Also, the Pink Floyd cover they did for 'Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun' which was about twenty minutes long and intense. I was glad I could sit down for that one. The most interesting thing of this show was that his father came down during the second or third encore to play blues and do a song with the band. It was well received. Not exactly my cup of tea but Jimmy loved it as Billy is his hero!!

The Hard Rock Cafe sound and quality were as good if not even better [although shorter and not many encores or special appearances like Ruth Eckerd] but getting soaked in the rain, having a headache, feeling hungry, and being surrounded by a million people hot and sweaty drunk and loud was very unenjoyable therefore I couldn't enjoy the music no matter how good it sounded just because the atmosphere was too overwhelming for me, too stressful, too much. I can't explain it but I do know it has alot to do with manic depression and anxiety and overstimulation makes me short circuit very quickly. I just cannot handle a lot.

If of interest, this was the setlist at ruth eckerd and it was pretty identical at hard rock as well:

August 20, 2008 - Ruth Eckerd Hall at Clearwater, FL





Click here: Siva : Tour Dates : August 20, 2008 - Ruth Eckerd Hall at Clearwater, FL

Previous Gig - Next Gig

Information : Tickets on sale Friday July 18th at 9AM EST

Main Set :

Tarantula

G.L.O.W

Siva

Eye

Mayonaise

Tonight, Tonight

Speed Kills

Transformer

Superchrist

United States

Once Upon a Time

Again, Again, Again (The Crux)

The Rose March

Today

Bullet with Butterfly Wings

The Beginning is the End is the Beginning

Heavy Metal Machine

Glass' Theme

Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun [Pink Floyd]

Encore :

We Only Come Out at Night

In the Summertime [Mungo Jerry]


Smashing Pumpkins At Ruth Eckerd Hall- August 20, 2008

Jimmy and I- I hate how I look here. I look SO tan!!!

Here is a peek at the tour shirts I collected from both shows:

Zero





Red Statue of Liberty Tee

I got a red girly t-shirt to try to soak up all the rain at the hard rock live concert where I got saturated to the core. It looks just like the cover of Zeitgeist album as seen below:



This one was Jimmy's:

His was black with white design with a drawing of something like death. I don't know if I can find a site that has a picture of this. I think it's this one, the Holy War t-shirt.

The world is a vampire, sent to drain

Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames

And what do I get for my pain?

Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game

(chorus)

Even though I know - I suppose I'll show

All my cool and cold-like old job

Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage (2x)

Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved

Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage

Now I'm naked, nothing but an animal

But can you fake it, for just one more show?

And what do you want, I want to change

And what have you got when you feel the same
(chorus)

(chorus 2)

Tell me I'm the only one

Tell me there's no other one

Jesus was an only son

Tell me I'm the chosen one

Jesus was an only son for you

(chorus)

(chorus 2)

Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage

Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved

Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage

And I still believe that I cannot be saved

-Smashing Pumpkins

Billy Corgan's Live Journal

I am a master of a nothing place

a preface to smashing pumpkins + the issue.

the hard rock cafe show was an absolute nitemare for me and it was partially over an issue accidentally brought up by him of a past girl and so we were fighting over that and i felt furious at him/angry- i dont want to recount the details that upset and anger me in here- its not as big of a deal as it may sound like and its usual jimmy stuff [ie its not malicious or intentional hurt but his way of sharing and not disclosing certain things and then trying to brush over it, downplay it and not give full truths is a sure-fire way to trigger a fight + stir alot of trust/security issues which is precisely what occurred.

what followed was several days of intense fighting over this. it was very unpleasant and though he may have not "meant" to upset me, i felt it was way unacceptable and way way way wrong. its been resolved but it still hurt me deeply.

it is some way connected to smashing pumpkins and is definitely the reason the girl even came up or was accidentally revealed to me, triggering all the upset. for the most part it ruined a lot of my excitement for wanting to go as it came up several days before the first concert at ruth eckerd and i tried to keep it inside but i felt he hadnt disclosed everything and some things werent making sense, as i started to recall certain things connected to this girl's name and felt he wasn't fully honest about something and in a way he was not.

these are the full facts:

in 2007, we'd been living together for about six mos when he one day showed me on his computer the new friend who had contacted and added him from his past on myspace.

her name was bobbi.

from her note, it sounded like someone who either had a crush on him or had one in the past - i sensed this as i teased him about her having the 'hots' for him and insinuated maybe something had gone on in the past i didnt know about since they went way back etc. the typical type of girl teasing.

i was only half serious and not threatened as she did not look to be someone who he would go for physically based on knowing or having some sense of the actual type of women he finds attractive and based on the fact that he had stated in the beginning of our relationship that one thing he'd never done is date someone overweight and he'd never be attracted to someone who was heavy set. it was a bit bothersome when he said that in the past because: 1. it seems superficial 2. what if i get fat? 3. my exhusband was overweight and would have been considered 'fat'. but i did not judge him for his weight nor did it keep me from wanting or loving him so i am way less judgemental/superficial when it comes to physicality obviously. that said, i probably teased him because i sensed she liked him or found him attractive in the past but that he didnt feel the same and realistically nothing had happened.

sad thing is i was wrong.

worse yet, when i teased him, he denied her liking him like that or ever having any crush on him and proceeded to tell me for years she had been after his brother in seattle jay, and had the hots for him. he laughed over this and made fun. i remember at one point him telling jay this on the phone and teasing him but never disclosing what the real truth was. this to me felt intentionally hidden away from me therefore it felt like he consciously lied to me.

shortly after he added this bobbi in spring of 2007, he had mentioned him and i [we were not engaged yet], were traveling to chicago where we are both from and she still lives. he made mention we might want to see some shows and since she worked in a place that sold concert tix, felt maybe she could get us a discount or even maybe meet up with us. keep in mind at this point, he had painted her as a good friend of his past and nothing more than this, a girl who chased after his little brother, NOT him.

imagine the fury when clues lead me to accidentally put together the truth and he didnt immediately volunteer the truth, the full truth to me, and i flashbacked to that day he had shown me her myspace page and all. how she looked. how she was a sport fanatic and not the kind of girl who even remotely looked to be his type.

i flashedbacked to the moment and memory of how he had completely denied she had any crush on him while i teased him and how he had purposely not shared with me the whole story of their past, that there had been drunken kissing b/t them in the past and everyone teased them that they were dating. he said she was just a friend but you dont kiss 'just a friend' who he claimed was ugly and not attractive.

let's get to the point:

- he had been reminiscing of the six times hed seen smashing pumpkins in concert and one of the first times, going thru his keepsake box. it was after we had had intense erotic sex. he started pulling stuff out when i'd walked out of the room to shower.

-when i came back, i found him on the bed in our master bedroom looking at a smashing pumpkins box set with knick knacks, concert tix. i asked what he was doing. he asked if i wanted to see some stuff. i said, "not if its from the past or exgirlfriends!!" since he never shares anything nostalgic with me and i feel insecure of what he actually has because so much is unknown to me and kept from me..so when he does, i feel anxious as i know he is the type to keep things of the past gfs and well, i'd rather not have to see things that remind him of someone that is not me. that is hurtful.

-he insisted it was nothing like that and there was nothing of his exs, just concert stuff from smashing pumpkins and autographs. he was holding a gish concert decorative paper which had writing on it. he turned it over to show me and i got a quick glance - it said 'to bobbi's boyfriend' i said, feeling shock then anger then humiliation knowing it meant "something"..i said, agitated, "what is that?" he said "what?" as if to act stupid. i said, "who's bobbi boyfriend?" he said- "me" my mouth dropped as i felt my anger grow, and said, trying not to scream, "i thought u said there was nothing attached to your past gfs.." i absolutely could NOT believe my ears after he had assured me there was nothing there connected to his ex's and yet now this was something but he was trying to evade the topic and downplay things/ avoid my questions.

-he quickly tried to change the subject and brush it away like it was nothing. he simply said- when i reacted in anger, "who the fuck is bobbi?" no one, some girl.. i was angry because i know of his main relationships but he had never told me of this 'bobbi' the bobbi on myspace hadn't clicked into my mind at this point. five mins later, i t would though. he quietly and quickly said, "some girl i dated."

-i was so angry, i stormed out of the room, got a drink and lit a cigarette. then as i was smoking, i recalled bobbi on myspace and stormed back into the apt, bursting into the bedroom where he was, shouting, "bobbi?! isn't that girl from chicago on your myspace page, isn't she????!!!" i was infuriated to the max. he said, "no" like it was ridiculous i could think such a thing.

-a short time later he came out to apologize for upsetting me. he hadn't realized that writing was on that 'gish' paper and by the way, what felt more intimidating and upsetting was the fact that as he explained further- it was actually James Iha who wrote that on the autograph, teasing him about Bobbi.

-apparently Bobbi was a good friend of James Iha of smashing pumpkins. my fiance and his close friends at that time were friends who hung out with the smashing pumpkins at shows, like friends apparently. so anyway, it made me feel all the worse. I certainly have never met the smashing pumpkins let alone have ever hung out with them or been 'friends' in real life like this Bobbi. still, at this time, he had told me when abruptly asked she wasn't the same bobbi on myspace.

-a week later after it bubbling and boiling over inside of me, and too much to drink, vodka coctails at hardrock cafe are potent and I had drank way too much just from one drink at that place apparently...i confronted him when I least expected [it was the alcohol releasing all inhibitions] and since he didnt expect it or see it coming, he answered without even realizing he had told me the opposite answer only five days prior.

he admitted when I confronted him that the bobbi on his myspace page and he'd been in contact with since 2007 we'd been living together and engaged, was the same girl he'd kissed and everyone thought was his GF, the same girl friends with james iha, yes she was indeed that same fucking girl he had denied to me. and he claimed he was drunk, lonely, desperate and didn't really remember it. I thought, thats nice, I felt angry for many reasons. He hadn't been fully honest with me and had denied it was the same girl earlier in the wk for one.

Second, he had been the typical male i hate who uses girl when they are drunk and lonely and horny. he claimed they never had sex but who is to say when he claims he doesn't even remember the kiss but just knows it happened. he claimed he didn't want to remember and he later got angry at me, he told me it was an experience he wanted to forgot and humiliated him, it humiliated him he kissed some 'ugly' girl. those were his words, not mine. Thing is WHY in the fucking HELL would you add a person u would like to forget and call them a friend and show them to your fiance if you really didnt want to remember, relive the past or have to tell me all about it. It makes no fucking sense but I guess he just doesn't think.

You know, i hate liars. he doesnt think omission of facts = lies or lack of disclosure/ being upfront with me= dishonesty but I do.that's where we don't see eye to eye because our definitions are obviously vastly different.

Then more was revealed the nite of the hard rock show when i drank too much and pulled out all the real truth from him and it confirmed everything i sensed he held back, pretty much and pretty much told me that that unsettled feeling and 'intuitive feeling' that all wasnt said and he was purposely vague- well i was right which fueled the fire of my already burning anger and resentment. jealousy.

The rest of wkend went from bad to worse. it was a pretty bad fight and i was vigilant in making my point because he was so resistant in admitting any wrong doing let alone seeing where i was coming from. its not a way i can live and i told him he needed to change, to stop dismissing how i feel and diminishing what my feelings are and validating the way i feel when i say i feel that way regardless of whether he agrees or not.

I left unnecessary stuff out but obviously the incident touched on major issues of trust, security, and respect. it was extremely hurtful to me even if unintentional and not maliciously done to purposely hurt. i feel the way in which he handles some things and doesnt honestly share is very hurtful to my trust in him, to this relationship, and shows a pattern of being untruthful when convenient for him, and when it involves 'saving' himself from my anger, disapproval, or when he fears what i will think. even if innocent, i find this way of 'being' as very dangerous and a pattern i do not want repeated anytime he fears my reaction to something. his way of solving things is simply hiding things from me and that will not work with me. ive made this painfully clear to him. it bruised me severely.

+++

this is what i wrote earlier today in regard. i elaborated above because i left out a lot. i avoided saying everything because its still raw and hurtful. and i am still disgusted although i realize jimmy is not a malicious hateful person and didnt intend to deceive/ seriously hurt me in the way that he did. I just think he is at times thoughtless and careless in a way that I cant understand.



relationship issues/fights of recent moments surrounding smashing pumpkins concert week actually: i absolutely HATE when someone omits the full and whole truth just to spare my feelings or for some petty/selfish reason. my fiance tends to land on that side of the coin. where he doesnt tell the full details and i find out and then i feel lied to and absol. pissed and enraged at him. an incident occurred recently where a girl was on his myspace page which was his 'friend' but he failed to mention in the long distant past they'd kissed before and he was teased about dating her for many years. i didn't know about her previously or any of the insides jokes but i recalled his cousin telling jimmy in front of me a few yrs back when he first met me, that jimmy could stop and see his OTHER girlfriend BOBBI. i thought it was some name that was made up or a person that didnt exist. i never thought it could be a girl jimmy really knew or anything to worry over. i was wrong. it was a real girl and an inside joke apparently made by jimmy's family and friends since something was going on but apparently it was something he was ashamed of and embarrassed over because the actions occurred due to extreme desperation/loneliness not out of real attraction or any feelings.


So I didn't know this whole story and he doesn't share things with me so it was not offered up to me so when something triggered it to come out inadvertently - the whole story came tumbling out but not without me pulling to get the pieces and fighting. He tried to downplay things and he omitted stuff, denied stuff at first. Anyone who knows me knows I have a huge hang up with anyone who chooses to lie to me and people who will say anything to cover up the truth. that is what I felt he was doing. I knew in my heart she wasnt a real threat to me but I felt hurt by his dishonesty, deceptiveness and bothered by the fact that it seems to be a pattern he acts out when he feels afraid of me or intimidated and it seems to revolve around selfishness. Nothing makes me more angry.

Apparently Bobbi wasn't his type and is a big girl. masculine like. ive seen her, unfortunately viA picture...but Jimmy never volunteered the info. that they'd kissed when he showed me an old friend had found him in 2007 on myspace and had added him. He wrote her back right in front of me and even said maybe we should get together when we came into town that spring. If I had known they had any history together [anything that involves touching or physical affection is more than a friend to me. platonic means not touching, not kissing, nothing sexual at all] - I would have NEVER been okay with him adding her as a friend, him making plans to meet up with her when we went on our vacation together. None of that is acceptable to me and it is even MORE wrong because he was never honest with me about her in the first place and its humiliating and hurtful that he would have allowed me to be in the same room with someone whom he once kissed romantically where both of them knew in their heads remembered each other in "that way" YET failed to tell me which meant the joke was on me and I'd have been the only one in the dark. There is nothing more humiliating than that, to me.

I was furious at him and I drove home the fact that it was wrong and I will not tolerate being treated this way and it is a matter of respect. He didn't feel it was a big deal because he didn't have real feelings for the girl, wasn't atttracted to her, no love/no real lust attached but it bothered me that he was so pathetic to resort to someone he didn't even really like or feel attraction towards. It made me sick. Maybe cos i feel like that is using someone and because i simply do not understand, altho he claims it wasn't that yet he didn't like her that way [he did try to stress they were only friends but as far as im concerned when alcohol kissing and making out come into the picture, that's not only friends and once u go past a certain point, its NEVER the same. this based on my own experience with men as friends who pursued more with me]


He played her up as this buddy whom he used to go to concerts with him. i found out by accident that there had been something slightly physical b/t them when he had been drunk a long time ago [like ten years back] cos he accidentally showed me something with her name on it and her name is not a common one. i questioned it and a big fight ensued. i was furious and made him take off the girl off his page.

I absolutely wont tolerate dishonesty even if innocent! she was taken off of his page in front of me and after driving it into him for three days of fighting, how he hurt me, how he disrespected me, and how I was not going to stay in a relationship with someone who had so little regard for me and my heart and couldnt show me any dignity- and after crying, sobbing, and raging- he finally got it and apologized.

It was resolved but it was ugly, unsettling and something i want to forget but probably won't. i purposely avoided writing on here just because i don't want to talk about it or be judged or even criticiqued. i feel like most people won't understand him or will blame him and most won't understand me and will think my reaction is abnormal and melodramatic. i don't really need the weight of what other people think or to know how others disapprove to be on my back right now, so thats why this one will be NO notes!!

You don't need to get anyone else to agree with your truth. You just need to live it.

Alan Cohen

Inspirational Author and Speaker
More 'Truth' QuotesBook Idea: 'Dare To Be Yourself'

i will possess your heart -

Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.

-Ovid

we got death cab for cutie's latest cd this past weekend and listened to it on a long drive home. it was sweet, romantic, brought back memories of how we got together- which in many ways was quite unexpected, full of excitement, anticipation. i resisted his advances for more for about six months. thats kind of why the song reminds me of him, i feel like the song could have been written for me by him. i feel like the girl in this song is the girl i was in jimmy's life in the beginning.

everything about the below song [featured in my project playlist for all to hear] in music, emotion, and wording reminds me so much of my fiance [it is one of his favorite songs right now actually and i feel it is a song that makes him think of me] - and it has quickly become a favorite of mine as well. the long instrumental introduction is beautiful mesmerizing, emotional and captivating all at once. i love the piano in this and the melody of it all.

it's one of those songs that gives me chills, moves my heart, takes me back, reminds me of how we met and how we formed. the way our love has grown over time. the words in the song convey very much how he projected himself towards me before i allowed him to pursue a relationship with me. i was extremely resistant and hard to get. it's incredible to me that things turned out as they did and it still amazes me how things can do a complete 180 degree turn when you least expect it...and the way feelings can change.

i was very closed off to him, emotionally, romantically and that is why i resisted him. due to previous past hurt and abuse by men i had been with, i felt seering bitterness and absolute divine hatred towards men, and in all honesty, i didn't think we'd click. out of fear, i oscillated between doubt and certainty in an inconsistent way which is why i pulled back from him for some time to sort myself out and figure out what i wanted.

in ways the push and pull, tug of war, back n forth reminds me a lot of pride and prejudice. something like that.

it was that i was determined. i was determined to be rigid, stubborn, not let any man easily in especially him and for some reason i'd chosen him to challenge myself with. i felt my mind was set, and what i was attracted to was the opposition of him and the feelings that came along with it all.

i can't really make anyone understand but can only say that i was extremely determined in the fact that i wasn't going to let another male hurt me again and so i began to teeter back n forth between showing some mild vague interest in him and gently innocently titillating him in some restrained way. i refused to be perceived as a slut but hints of sexual flirtation did seep out due to my inability to control my sexuality which is often intense. i thrive best on stimulation, danger, mystery, but i have learned to keep myself very controlled and under wraps since being in a seriously committed relationship and i do not allow myself to stray.

[in my past, i was wildly careless, impulsive, flirtatious and unrestrained.]

with him, i wanted to be perceived differently so i think i made him work harder and didn't give of myself so carelessly, so freely, so easily. i wasn't going to let anything be easy this time. i think part of that was anger towards the men before him who had ruined, damaged, destroyed everything inside of me. that's why at a certain point, i pushed jimmy away and said i needed space and i avoided him literally for three months.

he must have given up. and out of the blue one december day right before christmas was to roll around, i suddenly woke up with realizations and regret. i suddenly knew what i wanted and that was a chance with him. i suddenly realized i'd been blind as to what was right in front of my eyes and i'd been insensitive.

i wish i could explain all the ways in which he tried to 'be there ' for me, cheer me up, wanting to take away my pain, make me happy, and continually asking to take me out, cook for me, take care of me but i had declined the one who was generous and kind out of stubbornness and distrust/mistrust in men, anger, bitterness and jadedness.

it was months before i realized my mistake.

it was lucky i was able to reconnect and he was able to look past my neglect, disdain, mis-sight in things. i did explain to the fullest the whys of my reaction and action towards him and apologized profusely. i feel in ways i really did hurt him with my rejections at his advances. and i mean numerous rejections. i felt horrible over that for a long time. i wasn't the honorable person i so prided myself in - at the start of us forming a potential 'relation-ship' although neither of us knew if we wanted romance or not.

the only thing obvious was that we were both looking for someone to love and to be loved, deep down and with jimmy, it was also the allure of challenge, the feeling that comes after resistance, the build up of tension that creates suspense and in ways, excitement.

when you fight something sometimes it seems like maybe it was really yourself you were fighting against. and it builds real suspense, and arousal in ways. the tension creates the need for release which results in sexual tension and then, afterwards there's always that immense rushing feeling of giving in, but not in a bad way, in a way that feels almost orgasmic like some heavenly release. like, you've opened your heart to something, someone new. that feeling of opening, and finding- surprising yourself, doing something you thought you'd never do, going outside of yourself, going deeper- that in itself is the highest of highs -

sometimes the best aphrodisiac are my memories- hands down!

i can't quite explain the exhiliration i felt when this all occurred and the nite we first met. lets just say we did click in every way and it was electric.

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/11988325643/standalone

How I wish you could see the potential,

The potential of you and me

It's like a book elegantly bound,

But in a language that you can't read just yet

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

There are days when outside your window,

I see my reflection as I slowly pass

And I long for this mirrored perspective,

when we'll be lovers, lovers at last

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

You reject my advances and desperate pleas

I won't let you, let me down so easily, so easily

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

-Death Cab For Cutie

Chick on acid dancing in a cess pool. Enough said.

Another cool concert review I read over the weekend.

This one below is just absolutely hilarious for the picture of the girl dancing in the cess pool of rainwater in hardly anything but mere bikini-

Strange to say the least.

These set of photos are so funny and entertaining. the ting tings is a band ive been meaning to check out because a lot of people who like similar bands i like seem to like them. there's just too many new bands to catch up on and check out and i have so much new music, i cant keep up with it all!

Ting Tings' Katie White
with a cowbell....?

Chick on acid dancing in a cess pool. Enough said.

Yoko Ono called and she wants her look back

Next up MGMT bounded onstage- as the rain began to let up- they played a short but sweet set- and left many with shivers (from the music, not the chill).

Ben was the first one onstage- behind his podium of sound. Showing off some 80s retro style. Whatever's mellow-

Messing Up Metaphors? It was an apple Andrew...Eve ate an apple....

Somewhere in the act, Andrew unfurled a bundle of ladies pink satin underwear (the kind noone asides from your grandma still wears) and unveiled an orange. No one knows the symbolism but it was cute.

What you don't see here is the bassist did a wicked kick of the beachball- while still playing. impressive.

Too cool for school. Are those grills on his necklace? or fake dentures?

An intimate moment amongst thousands....

occupation + consumption.

Quick list of what I've been occupied with and will write about on some future date:

Music:

The Kills- "Midnight Boom", The Decemberists- "The Crane Wife", Death Cab for Cutie's latest album- new fave song 'I will possess your heart'


Found this music post / video post via a favorite on a music site MOG which i belong to, highly amusing and entertaining.

See below:

How Siouxsie Sioux brought a tear to my eye..by Neill

Ailments:

Wisdom tooth dilemma and Jimmy pulled his back, so I took care of him all wkend. He is struggling with serious back pain and he doesn't know how it happened aside from a nap on the futon. It is so bad, its interfering with relaxing at home and he was in pain all wkend and couldn't do anything. He has a dr appt this Thurs. I guess this is what happens when you get older. lol. I feel old right now, all these problems. It does suck! I am hoping he gets better as it's been horrible for him and I hate to see him suffer so.

Film:

Under the same moon [mexican subtitled film- sad, moving, relevant to today's political issues, about mother and child- the bonds]

TV:

Latest new hilarious tv show that debuted, we discovered via VSL and our BBC cable station IS Gavin and Stacey- which I highly recommend to fans of the office [bbc] and quirky comedy like that.

News:

Tropical storms/hurricanes Fay, Gustav, and newly formed Ike and Josephine keep us riveted to local news, cnn, msnbc, and weather channel constantly. What can i say? Somex it's how you get when you are a Floridian. Those unfamiliar with constant hurricanes or living in a state with major hurricanes every year, probably can't or won't relate but that's how it is when you live in this sort of state.

CourtTV/ Current murder trial:

The Sean Fitzpatrick murder trial in Boston ended in a mistrial after he took the stand in defense of himself. The accused guy was older, weird, charistmatic, obviously charming but with an air of cockiness, arrogance and self righteousness. He seemed to be guilty but the lack of evidence/ dna was unable to sway the judge to come to any judgement. They simply felt too conflicted and that's why it ended with a hung jury. It will be retried and Phil Spektor's retrial begins at the end of September which will be of great interest especially since I spent months watching it last year and like everyone else was disappointed when he got off scott-free when we all know this man is psychotic and he did kill her. He's guilty! So now maybe justice will come this time around!

Politics:

Obama; democratic national convention last week [jimmy was more obsessed with this than i. its just since we live together, I kind of end up being sucked into things I normally would not take the time to watch on my own HA]

I am for obama though and I found most of the speeches very inspiring + moving but could have done with the HOURS a nite for an entire wk of constant CNN coverage that I was forced to watch because Jimmy couldn't miss one minute of any of it. He had to be in on each and every action -- thank god he has slowed down this week with the republican conven. - true its because he is not for the republican party as I am not either, but still if he had his chance, I think he'd watch it 24/7- he just knows I will explode on him if I have to watch another week of political junk nite and day. There is a certain amount of anything I can take and I'm sorry but my tolerance is LOW.

TV/Olympics:

Since I was stuck watching olympics everyday for almost a month becos of HIS obsession with that and if I complained over this and how it dominated our tv, I was ridiculed because I am UN-American to not be "INTO" the olympics. Whatev- LOL I have to disagree with that. I am not into sports period. So what?!!
To each his own, right?

I did enjoy the diving and gymnastics but when someone wants to watch 4-6 hrs of olympics everyday for 3 weeks, I hardly think u can expect anyone to be enthusiastic for very long. It gets boring and begins to feel like you have no choice but to watch that.

If I wouldn't watch it, he'd simply record it on our DVD-R but he'd have to watch it the next day to keep up with the latest olympics scores and to not use all the dvd r space up- so it wouldn't matter. I would still be stuck watching it the next day. I got aggravated a lot simply because he dominates the tv for his sports games on a regular basis, then it was olympics and now its politics. I just get irritated but that's life I guess. He isn't very good at taking turns or sharing and we get into frequent fights over that because he is often selfish in my opinion and lacks the ability to see past himself or to even offer compromise. I often have to get angry and fight to get any positive outcome. It is frustrating sometimes.

Wedding Planning:

*We will have a meeting with florist to finalize ideas and put downpayment down in mid september.

*We have an appt with Alessi bakery for wedding cake same weekend. We must also go to David's Bridal for alterations on my bridal gown during the last weekend of September.

*This month, also need to buy: clear contacts, bridal strapless full slip for gown etc.

*Research party favors and reception decor, send out invites by end of month, decide if there will be any wedding shower at all dependent upon his mother.

*We also investigated hotels near the wedding chapel/reception hall for our upcoming wedding, for our out of town guests that will be here and will need a place to stay the nite of the wedding nearby. We came up with the following, but in the end we chose the Oldsmar one for our out of town guests (we will stay in clearwater in sand key hotel)- It's the bolded Courtyard at Marriott one and looks pretty nice. We've reserved ten rooms for our out of town guests and if there are less than ten guests, we can lower the amount of rooms we are holding, accdg to receptionist.
Here's the list of the hotels within 10 miles of the chapel and reception hall. The one in Tarpon Springs would be by the sponge docks if anyone wants something interesting to do on Saturday. There are two in Oldsmar that I think are right by the big flea market, so maybe a few of you would be interested in that. I'll have to see if it would be open that weekend, but I imagine it would.Blue Moon Inn - Dunedin (1.59 miles/approx. $99)http://www.thebluemooninn.com/Best Western Lake Tarpon - Tarpon Springs (4.13 miles/$94)http://www.bestwesternlaketarpon.com/index.htmHoliday Inn Express - Clearwater North (4.76 miles/$119)http://www.hiexpress.com/h/d/ex/1/en/hotel/ddnfl?rpb=hotel&crUrl=/h/d/ex/1/en/hotelsearchresultsComfort Inn - Clearwater (4.8 miles/$88)http://www.clearwatercomfortinn.com/Best Western Yacht Harbor Inn - Dunedin (5.11 miles/$112)http://www.yachtharborinn.com/Courtyard by Marriott - Oldsmar (7.21 miles/$99)http://www.marriott.com/hotels/travel/tpaol-courtyard-tampa-oldsmar/Residence Inn by Marriott - Oldsmar (7.22 miles/$109)http://www.marriott.com/hotels/travel/tpaod-residence-inn-tampa-oldsmar/Fairfield Inn & Suites - Clearwater Bayside (8.71 miles/$99)http://www.marriott.com/hotels/travel/tpacr-fairfield-inn-and-suites-clearwater-bayside/Belleview Biltmore Resort - Belleview (9.63 miles/$99)http://www.belleviewbiltmore.com/
I'm not sure where we're staying yet, but it might be the Sheraton Sand Key Resort in Clearwater. It's a little more pricey ($200 or so) and about 9 miles away. (http://www.sheratonsandkey.com/index.php)
+++

Labor Day:

I spent labor day sick, but so filled with anxiety [had a wedding day anxiety provoking dream], that i put together all 75 wedding invitations following correct model setup via box and putting in appropriate gift registries [was 25 short on gift registry cards so not all invitations are complete].

I felt so relieved for about ten mins like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders, chest, heart....but it wasn't long before that feeling disappeared and was replaced with renewed anxiety/worry, stress. Now, all we have to do is print directions, add them, add postage to reply envelopes, and then hand address them. YAY take one step forward, fall two steps back. Gotta love that feeling!

Honeymoon planning:

We met with travel agent at borders in tampa on friday. St. Lucia is way out of our budget and so is Turks and Cacaos. They are close to four thousand dollars even w/ discounts. So it looks like we are stuck going to jamaica, looking at Whitehouse Sandals all inclusive resort which Jimmy has hesitated on because he says its too expensive at $2800 which includes 5 nites, plane fare for two, hotel for two, all food, liquor, etc.

I hardly think its expensive and think its unrealistic to think u can find anything under 2000 that includes all that in the carribeans. he complains that i didn't want to take a cruise which is only a few hundred dollars. sorry but thats not romantic to me, being stuck on a ship with people i don't know is unromantic, limiting, claustrophobic.

My idea of romance and relaxation on a vacation far away is being able to have privacy, plan your time as u like, plan your days without anyones rules , get up and go to bed when you like unlike a cruise. In any case, he had reserved our hotel room and pkg price with the travel agent over the weekend with my approval. She wrote today saying the reservation ends tomorrow and money must be put down to seal package and book our trip if we are to have one for our honeymoon so i mentioned this on the phone when he called on the way home from work.

We got in an argument when i mentioned it as he told me he didn't know if he wanted to go all the way with it [after we wasted all our time talking with her and he told her we were seriously interested and reserved the room etc- this made NO sense to me], and that it seemed unaffordable to him even though we got major discounts since right now flights are free and you get a free nite plus a honeymoon suite on first floor upgrade for a limited time if u go with sandals, so thats what we were getting. It normally costs over a thousand dollars more than this. But anyway, he began complaining saying maybe we could find another deal cheaper somewhere else online. I said you've got to be kidding me!

We've been looking online for six mos now, all of them are close to this price range given by the agent if not mroe than this and the ones NOT all inclusive simply are not worth it and will end up more in the end. But no, he had to insist he knows more than I. And then he went into how we could have an affordable trip if i wasn't so picky and we went on a cruise.

I'm not even going to go into all the anger I felt then. This is supposed to be my future husband's gift to me -his wife. It is supposed to be romantic, a gift. It is supposed to be something I love. Is taking me on a cheap cruise that makes me sea sick and i find UNrelaxing and unromantic and NOT fun what you do to show your future wife you love her and she is special? I don't think so. I blew up, cried, then apologized after hanging up.

Later when he got home, we did look up prices on Jamaica Sandals pkgs. It pretty much proved what I had said. I think he was resigned because he wrote the travel agent saying he'd like to discuss booking the trip but there is still some hesitation because he wants to know the full price with tax which makes me feel he doesn't know how to finalize anything and is afraid, looking for an excuse not to make that decison yet. I don't know.

I didn't say anything but in our earlier argument I told him that I was resigned to have no honeymoon cos it clearly was too much for him, too much for me to ask and it seemed I was undeserving with the way he acted of something romantic, nice, and special. He said he wanted that for me and said he didnt feel this way but his actions/reactions tell a different story and I feel as I do because of how he makes me feel. No one should be this stressed over a honeymoon, most importantly, the bride to be. It makes me feel guilty for wanting to have and get what most normal people in this world get when they get married. It makes me angry that I am made to feel this way. i have a hard time coping with emotions under any sort of duress or stress and wonder if i ever can get any better than this. Most of the time, it seems hopeless and I feel it, inside. Hopeless.

I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think.
-Rumi

We should always live in the dark empty sky. The sky is always the sky. Even though clouds and lightning come, the sky is not disturbed. Even if the flashing of enlightenment comes, our practice forgets all about it. Then it is ready for another enlightenment.

-Shunryu Suzuki, "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind"

i haven't written because i haven't been online due to emotional struggles with the symptoms of manic depression which seeped out during the second smashing pumpkins concert in recent weeks due to all the ingredients of a disasterous nite. i won't go fully into this only to say it stormed hard, he did not tell me we would be standing without any shelter for 20 to 30 mins in the pouring rain. he did not bring an umbrella either. i did not think to suggest it since i was unaware we'd be standing in the open sky unsheltered. 'losing my cool' would be an understatement.

i got completely soaked and stayed that way all nite. all my makeup went in my eyes that took me over an hour to apply. my hair was all over the place. my contacts got so irritated i had to take them out and wear crappy glasses all nite. there were lots of other things to make me angry and pissed off but mostly i just think when i feel socially overloaded, i can't handle it emotionally.

i felt like i was wearing a wet diaper from head to toe all nite because that is how much rain poured over me. it was the most uncomfortable feeling in the entire world. he understood why i was upset and was apologetic but he felt like i should get over it because he and every one else was. but the kind of clothing he was wearing was thicker material and did not get as wet as mine. also other people aren't finicky, high maintenance or picky. i am and he knows it. so i felt to compare me to others was ridiculous. obviously other people will do anything for a free smashing pumpkins concert. i am not in that category.

i am not a teenager or in my twenties. i am 36 yrs old. i don't have the stamina or the energy for it and honestly as a teen and young adult, i would have never gone to a concert that would mean millions of people, being outside all day, or being in any kind of nasty weather. it's just never been my personality.

i will share the smashing pumpkins pix we got from the first concert [the one that went well and was inside in a fancy music hall, NOT the hard rock cafe one. they are kind of far and blurry for most part but still interesting and worth sharing here]

i'm only regaining energy this week and starting to feel better now. i think i am getting a wisdom tooth in, and spent all week of last week plus this entire three day holiday weekend sick with mouth pain.

jimmy determined he thinks the gum at the back of my mouth is impacted, and a tooth is coming thru. i just cant afford to do anything about it. i have no credit cards or money to pay for it at all. and unless jimmy pays for it, im kind of stuck suffering.

my mom had an absessed tooth last month and so she had a prescription for penicillin antibiotics from her dentist which she knew would help me, so she filled it for me and i picked it up over the weekend. i am grateful for that.. its helped a little but i'm still feeling pain on and off and have been feverish the past several days. im constantly on advil, tylenol and excedrin it seems - for the pain.

i have lots more to say and share, but i've been so bogged down emotionally lately and just out of energy to do anything especially write online so i haven't been here in a while. i will be back to finish updating as soon as humanly possible.

bikini kill:desensitize the mind [illusion vs real]

I never got to share this as I could barely get myself motivated to wear LET ALONE 'share' such things, LOL, but when I first got my three new bikinis from Target at the start of the summer, I tried taking self-portraits of myself in them to convince myself my body wasn't that bad.

I have this slightly weird way of thinking...

...Somehow I think if I can get used to seeing what I see myself as - fatty and sloppy then maybe I can begin to get used to my body and eventually see it as normal. Is that strange?

Let me explain, anyone who sees me or meets me in person tells me I am crazy to think I am fat but yet all I can see myself as is fat and sloppy. I want to get over that "belief" and somehow learn to feel I am okay and that being natural is being beautiful.

Is it unrealistic? LOL Maybe. But I still want to try..




[pix from earlier in summer: June/July 2008]

I still feel uncomfortable when I see these pix and it doesnt help matters much that I am makeup-less and therefore feel unattractive and SO NOT pretty LOL.

Somehow I'm hoping these pix will convince me that I'm not hopeless or really fat, and that it's all in my head. I have this weird idea that if I see the pictures enough times maybe I can become desensitized to those uncomfortable/unsettling feelings and change the way I think about myself, change the way I see myself so poorly or negatively.

Here's hoping one day I can conquer this!

I just think with the wedding approaching, I feel even more self-critical than usual and that anxiety has developed into extensive worrying over if I will be beautiful enough, thin enough, young/youthful enough to be the perfect bride for my groom. I wish I could get over the feelings that leave me feeling yucky and just stuck. It's not a good place to be in.